a reflection of berlin avery salehi / memories:
a memory of when they felt HAPPINESS
her eyes drifted up from the neck of the guitar , neels’ fingers desperately trying to find the right chords of his favorite song . they’d stopped the official lessons a while back , but they continued to hang out , berlin letting him pick up her guitar and try to play fleetwood mac for the umpteenth time . there was something about the way his brow scrunched or the way his tongue darted out to wet his lips when he was deep in concentration that made her smile . she didn’t get to hang out with people , not usually , she was either helping her mom or teaching , but the time she spent now with neels didn’t feel like another weight on her shoulders . the clashing of the wrong strings being strummed broke her from her daydream , laughing while reaching out for the guitar . “ you know i can just play songs for you right ? ” she asks while taking the guitar’s place in his lap . her hands run through his hair , tilting his head back so he could look up at her . berlin’s voice dropped to a whisper , leaning down so her lips brushed his as she continued to drag his playing , “ or must you insist on wrecking my ear drums every time you come over ? ”
a memory of when they felt GRIEF
her mom sat her down on the couch , her smile nervous , her eyes watery . the first thing she asked her was ‘ what’s wrong ? ‘ nervously waiting for a response from her mom . nearly a month ago she had given berlin what she thought could be the worst news of her life , but her mother’s demeanor now almost suggested otherwise . her mom’s hands reached out for her own giving them a squeeze before brushing hair away from berlin’s face . her next words were calculated , trying to think of the best way to break the news to a ten year old . “ so i got a letter from your father today , ” her mom starts slowly , not waiting for her daughter to ask questions before she continues , “ um ... he said things were too complicated for him . but that he loves you very much , and that he hopes one day you can forgive him . ” berlin’s face had wrinkled with confusion , but knew she should be upset about it . “ maman , what do you mean ? ” the question leaves her softly , scared that if she spoke too loud her mother would start crying . the look she’s given is gentle , apologetic , and sad . instead of cushioning the damage it only made it worse when she finally told her . “ he left us ... i’m sorry . ”
a memory of when they felt TRUST
she stared at the hand outstretched to her , eyes revealing her uncertainty . she didn’t trust people , not really anyway . alejandro stood there patiently waiting for her to take his hand . if their agreement was going to work she had to trust him . so she placed her hand in his , giving him a small smile as he helped her out of the car . the hand he placed on her back was comforting , protective , she felt like she was his despite the fact they were sinking away towards the back of the restaurant , away from prying eyes . it was his charm and the way he called her beautiful , that made resisting him difficult , especially when he offered to help , offered to care . it’s over the course of dinner that berlin feels herself relax , finding talking to him easier than it had before . he was arrogant , self - absorbed , and thought the world revolved around him . he thought he deserved every nice thing to exist and she was lucky enough to be considered one . they made their deal , she had to believe that he would actually keep it .
a memory of when they felt ANGER
a week . her brother had waited a week after she turned sixteen to pack up his things and leave them . instead of letting her find a job so she could help contribute he decided he needed to be selfish and leave her with their mother and her mountain of medical bills . he had tried to slip out while she was at school , but hadn’t finished packing his things in time , berlin finding him standing over his bed with two half packed suitcases . it was wrong , to let the hot anger consume her as quickly as it did , but it was her only other option next to crying , which she wasn’t about to do . his weak excuse only fueled the fire already ignited , berlin’s hands tearing through the drawers of his dresser , throwing whatever articles of clothing she happened to land on towards him . “ i bet you sat here for ages thinking about what you were going to write on some fucking letter for me and mom right ? tried to remember what dad did and said and took a page from his book ? ” her hands found the bottle of cologne that sat on his dresser and aimed it at his head , watching his hands come up to catch it only infuriating her more . she was about to pick up something else that decorated his dresser top when the tired sound of her name came from the door way . “ berlin , just let him go . ” her mother looked at her begging , pleading . her eyes asked her mom the question she couldn’t , being met with an equal reaction to answer . berlin turned to look her brother dead in the eyes one last time , her words cold and unwavering . “ you’re a coward . just like dad . ”
a memory of when they felt LOVE
she’s four when her mother brings her onto her lap , sitting her in front of the piano . instead of letting her mess around with the keys like she used to , she starts pointing out names of notes and keys and putting them together in chords . her hands fit easily over her own , guiding her through a short and sweet song . the excitement in her mother’s voice is evident as she encourages her daughter to keep learning how to play telling her that as long as she has music , she’ll never be alone . of course , berlin’s attention had run dry by the time her mom finishes , letting her eagerly run back off to play .
a memory of when they felt LONELY
more often than not , alejandro couldn’t be bothered to walk her out , leaving her to figure out her own way of the elaborate mansion he called home . she typically left as soon as possible , avoiding any staff , and especially any potential of running into his wife or his daughter . this time on her way out , she happened to look up , her eyes lifting from the floor only to land on a picture of him and his family posted above their fireplace . it was rare that she ever cared enough to take a moment to realize she was helping someone cheat , and this wasn’t exactly that . it bordered on guilt , but really all berlin felt was an overwhelming loneliness . after the few hours he kept her around for entertainment , she meant nothing to him . her mind danced between the people she knew , thinking of which might even consider her a friend , berlin positive the only person who ever cared for her as more now hated her . a chill of fear runs through her body with the realization that she’s completely alone . that once her mom is gone and alejandro moves on to his next toy , there’s no one that would bat an eye at her . as quickly as she came to the realization , she’s forcing herself to forget , blinking quickly to dry her eyes . her foot falls are faster than before , eager to get to the front door .
