Lost In Termina

Ash Xander. He/They. 30. I love anime/manga, fanfictions, cosplaying, cats, videogames, & skating. Feel free to talk to me. 🖤

[lost-in-termina]

Don’t Let The Forest In was so good and I could write an entire essay on the impact the story has. I’m going to be thinking about this book for a while.

[lost-in-termina]

Incredibly depressed and unsure if it’s from seasonal depression, the chronic pain, or a mix. Going to try to spend the day reading and trying not to think about any of it.

[lost-in-termina]

My chronic pain is so so bad today. Couldn’t shower. Barely was able to brush my teeth. Heated up some food but feel too nauseous to eat it. All I can think and feel is the pain stabbing across my body. It hurts it hurts it hurts.

I’m glad I was able to go on my trip yesterday but I clearly pushed myself too much with that long drive and I wasn’t even well enough to hike or explore so it didn’t even feel worth it. And now I just feel exhausted and guilty for pushing my body trying to do something nice for myself. I want to move around and do things and I hate that I can’t. I can barely hold onto my phone.

[lost-in-termina]

I just finished reading Hazelthorn and I’m already thinking of some parallels and fanfic opportunities for Qifrey/Olruggio.

[lupusbaby]

Hey, if you’re not as mentally quick as you used to be because of your illness- that’s okay. If you’re can’t think as fast or handle as many tasks that’s okay. You aren’t stupid, you aren’t unintelligent, and you aren’t less worthy of love or respect. It’s okay that your brain won’t or can’t go back to how it used to be. It’s different now, but it’s okay.

[lost-in-termina]

It’s incredibly frustrating that I’m left to do chores by myself, especially on a bad flare up day.

[lazer-exe]

I'm gonna say it, I do think that even the laziest person imaginable should have a roof over their head, food in their stomach, and access to healthcare

[istillwishforyouateleveneleven]

Better live your life were running out of time

[lost-in-termina]

Dealing with chronic pain feels like being in a constant state of grief - especially grieving things you want to do but can't.

I love video games. So much. But my hands have been hurting so much lately, it's hard to even grip the controller. I love reading, but the brain fog makes following a story difficult. That one I can still do, just not as often or as quickly as I used to. I wanted to learn ASL but again, the hand pain made that so hard. I want to go hiking and walking and exploring but lately I get so tired and get so much leg pain walking more than like ten steps. I feel bad that sometimes all I can really do is lay in bed on my phone.

I have some time off coming up and I'm struggling to even plan anything for it with how bad my flare ups have been. It's really taken a toll on my mental health.

[little-miss-rasputin-pageant]

having chronic pain is just like. ur sitting perfectly still doing nothing meanwhile the space above your head keeps flashing -1hp -1hp -1hp -1hp -1hp -1hp -1hp -1hp -1hp -1hp

[lost-in-termina]

Some small thiings that have happened this week during my flare up that made things difficult/inaccessible for me:

(prefacing that I'm not blaming anyone for these things, they just happen and suck sometimes)

I ordered a small drink but was given a large at no additional cost, which was nice in theory but I ordered the small so it would be easier to lift

I wanted to watch an anime (dubbed) on Crunchyroll but while the captions had been working during other episodes, they have not been consistent (I do blame Crunchyroll for this one - do better)

I tried to keep some lights dimmed in the office but they keep getting turned up

Spent some energy going to get a drink and breakfast but the spot changed its hours

It is warm and humid outside so my office is warm and humid ):

[lost-in-termina]

I am going on a straight week with chronic pain flareups. This morning it was difficult to shower or brush my teeth. Even eating food has been difficult between the nausea and the physical pain in my hands. I have been exhausted all day and constantly feel as though I need to sleep. It has been difficult even just scrolling on my phone. Just to write this I am using speech to text. I am hopeful that between my labs and my x-ray this week, I am able to see my doctor again soon. I am just so tired. 

[ashes-callenreese]

me: for christmas i want a dragon

santa: be realistic

me: ok i want a banana fish dub

santa: what color do you want your dragon

[ashes-callenreese]

ITS HAPPENING!!!!!!!!! SANTA DID IT!!!!!!!!!!

[lost-in-termina]

I left work early today to get some labs done and was happy to get home earlier than usual. I rested and felt well enough to play games. But then my hand pain got much much worse and I felt ill and exhausted so now it’s bed time. 😔

[lost-in-termina]

Chronic pain so bad today that my face literally hurts 🙃

[lost-in-termina]

I hada thought about Qifrey this morning - spoilers for chapters 40+ ahead.

For some context, this past week I've been having a really bad chronic pain flare up, and as I was showering this moring I felt a sense of comfort when the water was hitting me. That's pretty common with chronic pain, especially fibromyalgia - water therapy is a common coping mechanism.

Throughout the manga we can see how Qifrey's curse from the silverwood tree is akin to experiencing chronic pain - there's many instances where he shows that he is hurting, and we know that comfort makes it worse.

I know his hatred of water is deeper than that, but I was just thinking about how a piece of it could be the sense of comfort one can feel when in water, even just the feeling of it running over your hands. We saw that scene of him esentially drowning himself at the Great Hall as a child, and I was just thinking - what if that feeling of being submerged in water only made it worse?

[lost-in-termina]

My appointment went really well today - my doctor was very validating and empathetic to me describing my pain. We’re going to start with some labs and X-rays to rule out arthritis, lupus, and rheumatoid diseases but if that’s all negative she is thinking it’s fibromyalgia. Unfortunately with my allergies there’s not a lot that can help me medication wise, but an official diagnosis would help with getting some accommodations.