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[radiantviolet]

In my mind:

I find some quirks that I am inclined to feel are not so usual. One confusion I have is that, I feel I approach things first-hand logically. However, I find the ethics of considering others and trying to understand them to be the most sensible thing. I do things for others more often because I mentally know it is good to do so, than from an emotion. This is not to say that I do not have the feeling of caring for others, but often with strangers I do not feel an emotional response. I do it because I would want to be treated the same, and so it is just.

[dontcallmeidontexist]

Where do we look

When it’s dark all around

Where do we go

But inside our minds

If you look hard enough

At your late night reflection

You might get a glimpse of

The soulless, empty vessel

Of introspection

[peculidar]

Blank pages threaten my existence. Without words, I am a shell. Not hollow, however. Never hollow. More like one of those small beach shells tiny crabs carry around on their backs. I’m on a conveyer belt being carried along to nowhere in particular. Writing something (anything) puts a bookmark in the journey. A tiny flag that reads “I was here”. Not being able to do that at the end of a day is more frightening than I can express.

[peculidar]

inside out

skin me alive as I writhe in my dreams pulled apart, I come undone at the seams

pick out my organs with delicate care lay them out on the table leave my soul bare

so now you have it, the guts & the gore which you dissect and examine like no one before

after locating the mass in my glands you extract the tumor with delicate hands

don’t stitch me back up I don’t want the mask not when I’m open at long fucking last

[peculidar]

loss

like grief, it comes in stages. sneaks up on morning walks where my phone rests in my pocket, no longer a portal, but a  boring device. no apps for escapism, none to take me back to the spring-time haze,  where the world broke down while we soared above, oblivious. the dreariest of butterflies, knowing only the beauty of their own wings, the flight. speaking an eternal language when, in fact,  we were so very mortal, so very fragile, easily destroyed by nature itself.

I mourn the loss of wings almost as much as the eternity that should have been ours had it not been impossible, improbable, pure lunacy, in fact.

the hardest part is knowing you feel the same, watching the same Northern sky, knowing you’re trying to figure out if there really was no way to stay in the clouds, be they grey and thunderous, dreadful in their danger, delightful in the suffering we could have shared. I wonder too. I feel the pull every day, shoulder blades tingling,  aching for another season of skies with you.

[peculidar]

in hiding

keep your cool

when the words he strings together fall into your lap like missing pieces from an unfinished puzzle you forgot you started

joke about it

when his attention cradles you in a warmth so intense, it sprouts  an affection that consumes  your whole being

find distance

when his silence torments you like a moving shadow on the wall seconds before you close your eyes to go to sleep

hide

when you know you can’t  fucking go through all of this again.

[peculidar]

quiet nothings

it’s in all the ways I say nothing and do nothing, when I’m trying not to be selfish, when my mere presence feels overwhelming, imposing, a chore.

I cannot assume, expect, or even desire reciprocity for these explosions inside, so I must stifle them, harbor them, hold them close to my chest as they scorch the fabric of my being dear, I choke on them when they come scratching, creeping, squirming up my throat in futile attempts to verbalize the kinds of words used by narcissists to wield control. words I feel at my core, as they dance and mix with my bone marrow, as they hang heavy in the air around me, unspoken words that could only ever be a burden to you

[peculidar]

you don't know me

but I live by the sea now and wear floaty long dresses with flowery prints

you’ve never seen me, but I can run pretty fast or stand perfectly still, depending who’s watching 

you’ve never heard my voice, cursing up a frenzy, when I chop the tomatoes wrong,  squishing them to a spatter

you haven’t yet met me with all my frays and loose ends, with my loud snorty laughs and wide-eyed intensity

and

I still don’t know you, with all your quiet wisdom and subtle assurances. 

One day we might run into each other. your smiles might be a bit toothy and you may be excellent at cutting all vegetables. I just really hope that one day you might actually exist.

[peculidar]

midnight mistakes

He’s online and I know I shouldn’t. nothing good can come from the damage, from the baggage, the wreckage, the hurt.

He’s online, but surely I wouldn’t just open up that window and type everything I feel.

He’s online, but I’m not drunk. so, there are no excuses,  nothing to point a finger to, no possible reason.

He’s online. I shouldn’t. He’s online. I wouldn’t? He’s online. 

I did.

[her--words]

Chapter One.

I used to think disappointing yourself was better than others disappointing you because at least you could change the outcome. You can’t change other people, no matter how many parts of yourself you break into pieces and give to them. They’ll take those pieces and manipulate them to the point you don’t recognize they once belonged to you. Were apart of you. Were you. Unfortunately for me, I’m realizing this isn’t always the case, sometimes you’re the problem, which is why I’m sitting at an empty gate in Pearson Airport at six am, watching the sky turn from orange to a deep crimson red. Just like the blood gushing down my wrist last night. I’m the first one at the gate and more than three hours ahead of my flight’s scheduled boarding time, but I need this time to compose myself. Security didn’t look twice at me, and I know I should be thankful because if they did, they might have asked if I was okay. They might have asked what happened. You can’t exactly wear sunglasses when you’re walking through the metal detectors at the airport, and my eyes are still bloodshot from last night. Their pinkness stands out like a pack of flamingos in murky water. But I doubt they would have cared anyway. No one ever does. Just as my mind is settling and my hands have stopped shaking, my phone begins to ring. I look down and see my dad’s name across the screen. I pause for a moment before answering. I’m not leaving on good terms, and I know he wants to talk about last night. I hit accept and brace myself for what’s to come. Correction: for what I know is coming, because I’ve been in this situation a million times before.

[j-swrites]

First Heartbreak

The first time your heart breaks,

it doesn’t really break,

it would feel like it,

It would feel like your heart

Had been snatched out of your chest,

and crushed in the fists of those you love,

You will feel a gust of wind

through a hole,

perforated in your heart,

You will think your organs

will quit working altogether,

since you’re dead anyways,

You will feel your soul

sucked out of your body,

And your blood standing still,

not seeing an effort in racing

for someone who doesn’t want to live,

But it doesn’t happen,

Your heart is still intact,

Your organs still perform perfectly,

Your soul is buried deep

within your bones,

And your blood is as fast as ever.

–your heart never really breaks, you only think it does//j.s

Follow my Instagram account @j.swrites

[j-swrites]

Love hurts more than it heals. How do I know that? I’ve seen pain in eyes that used to shine, a frown embedded on their face where there used to be a smile. I saw grief replace happiness in their souls, and I saw their spirits dim down and shut off. I saw tears stain untouched cheeks and I saw consistency, after all the pain and all the hurt, if you asked them if they’d repeat it all again; they definitely would. This is to all those who loved till death, you’re the bravest people I know.

—reality of love//j.s

Follow my Instagram account @j.swrites

[j-swrites]

“Loneliness it’s always there, even when you’re surrounded by a million souls, and familiar faces, it’s always there, with its’ claws around your throat, suffocating you until you wither and die, it’s peculiar that as alone as you are, you still have one companion, one that wishes you gone”

— i’m lonely but not alone//j.s

[j-swrites]

“is it escapable? I wondered if I could ever escape its grasps, every time I begin to think I did, it returns full force, shattering my soul and thundering my bones, its agony, its pain, but most prominently, it’s fear, not of the unknown, now i know what’s coming, it shakes my very core”

— i no longer fear the unknown, i fear what i now know//j.s

[universalmemoir]

i shared the song that reminds me of you and you laughed. 

laughed at my pain. 

laughed at my heartbreak. 

as much as you’ve hurt me, as greatly as you’ve let me down, i’d never laugh at your pain. 

i thought after all this time i’d mean more to you than laughter. 

h.rae

[404writewords]

Suffering Majority

Our leaders bent the knee to industry Intent to forgive the debtor’s due Pursuing profits viciously While the workers languish in a queue Do blue-collars not deserve security? Must the fortunate ceaselessly accrue? We labored with no warranty Just servants toiling to produce their revenue The rentier class commands priority While our many are neglected by their few Members of a long-suffering majority A tinderbox to spark the rebel flame anew

Cognitive Harvest Follow on Twitter Follow on Facebook

[writteninspace]

it’s not true when they say everything ends or lasts forever

for one thursday in september you’ll think of your friends and the treasure

you found on a hill in july in the back of a blue car a girl with the same hair dye a crumpled memory put in a jar.

you’ll think about it in december bittersweet at most little by little will remember summer’s merely a ghost.

from life, a lesson to learn if you trust be careful, it tends to burn but like stardust falling, there, by your side she’ll ignite a flame in the cold of the night and i guess nobody’s to blame for most things change but a few stay the same.