what it means to be alive...

let's all just spread love, its free.

[lostinforeignfields-blog]

Is There a Difference?

October 19th, 2018

Interactions between men and women in my perspective is extremely interesting. Each side comes with a ton of walls and pride yet they come together to slowly destroy those barriers and potentially form a healthy, trustful bond. BUT what does that look like for a pair that are complete opposites? Let me make more sense here. I don’t mean to make this about race but is there a difference between minority men and white men in terms of how they interact or date minority women? Well in my perspective I believe there is. Here’s why. In my past I have only interacted with minority men. Not because I have a specific type or preference (I totally don’t have preference) but simply because that is what seemed to come my way. I have never been with a white man in any form of intimate relationship or even dated. Now what’s interesting about that is that I would love to experience that because of how much I would want to share my culture with a white man and see and learn how he thinks BUT I haven’t yet had that opportunity. There would be so much learning and growing that could potentially happen in an interracial couple! Currently I recently met someone who I am very interested in but I find that there is a huge difference in minority men and white men so far at least based on this current interaction. Minority men are extremely forward, blunt, and straight to the point when it comes to demonstrating affection or interest. I believe white men are more to themselves about affection and interest and think more than act first and then they act which in a way in my perspective is sort of respectful? I’ve never had that experience before. For example, since I’ve have only interacted with minority men they have all been straight to the point and have demonstrated affection almost immediately. Now as I mentioned before I am currently interested in a white man I met recently and I can tell that it is super reciprocal but his approach is held more within. It could simply be that his walls are up from crappy past experiences or I could be on to something and there could really be a difference in behavior here. At least I think so. He is extremely polite and listens more than he speaks and makes every interaction about me and what I want first. He shares his thoughts and beliefs in way that does not dive to deep so it sort of keeps me on my toes wanting to learn more. He’s affectionate with words but not with actions; his approach is slow and not aggressive. Now that could just be his way or it could be relevant to being white? I also could just be formulating and over analyzing all of this in my head. But I sort of like this approach whatever it is; it is allowing me to actually LEARN THE PERSON SLOWLY versus getting right to it which has been my past experiences. I love paying attention to human connections and how different people are depending on their upbringings and RACE. I love talking about cultures and race if you couldn’t already tell...  If you’re reading this branch out of your norm. Try what you have never tried before, go for what your into even if you may feel it is out of reach, you may be surprised! Don’t have a type, don’t be picky, don’t limit yourself or your love life! 

[lostinforeignfields-blog]

Up and At IT! 

October 15th, 2018 

Fitness has somehow always been a part of my life. I have always been an active kid. I wasn’t always good at whatever activity I involved myself in but I sure always brought a lot of effort. I fell in love with volleyball in 6th grade and never really let it go. I went on to play in college and during that time frame is when I really “grew up.” Sports require so much heart, dedication, hard work and even simply our soul. There is truly no better feeling then being fully engaged in an activity that not only brings you joy and fulfillment but that also challenges you physically and mentally. The skills and hard work invested in a sport is practically practice for your first real adult job; at least in my perspective... Anyhow if your reading this get out there and find a sport/gym/fitness class that you think you would enjoy. Never worry about being good or bad just get out there and try something. While your there force yourself to be as present as humanly possible you’ll get the most of it that way. I promise you it will feel so damn good to engage your mind and body! For some motivation check out this video that I had the pleasure of being a part of and left the set completely drenched in sweat!

PS: I’m not even a boxer! But had no problem trying something new and giving it my best effort! 

[lostinforeignfields-blog]

Violence

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.” – MLK

October 12th, 2018

As human beings we depend on each other. No one wants to be alone and neither does anyone ever want to feel left out. It is certainly important to know how to be alone but that isn’t necessarily how we would like to end up. In my perspective a lot of violence that occurs today I believe has to do with filling some sort of void. What do you think? For example, someone who’s had a rough upbringing in terms of food; stability; housing; etc then suddenly commits a crime on an innocent victim. For some crazy reason the media or others are all shocked. I always wonder why people are shocked by that when it is clear based on the person’s history that that could have been a possibility. Anyways, something within is what drives violence. Whatever component that is missing in one’s life can have a massive effect on how they deal; manage; and cope with things. What leads to violence is the inability to cope therefore verbal or physical harm is then placed on another. I believe that there is a direct connection between violence and this idea of “alone.” When I say alone I mean the feeling of something missing or wanting something there that is not. That could be objects, humans, whatever it is that is missing for that one person. Or even something that they long for that they never received. Again violence and “alone” correlate in my head. When you really think about it isn’t it sad that something missing within a person is what could potentially drive violent behavior? If you knew what every single person was missing wouldn’t you want to help fill it so that violence would never be something they perform? Well, I would. I think the only reason I would is because of my strong fear for violence. I myself have never been the violent type and it really takes a lot in me to act violently. I usually tend to shut down or walk away instead of physical or verbal violence. It’s like my brain has a hard time going there. I’ve been there before briefly but never ever for a long time. I wonder how the brain of a violent person works or looks like. That is a weird way to put it. I think I am rambling now. Anyhow, I deeply deeply and truly truly fear violence. It is actually one of my biggest fears. In the past I’ve been involved in various violent episodes performed to me and honestly when I think back to those times it’s hard to describe it because you when you experience any sort of violence it’s amazing how your brain forgets all the small details. Guess that’s what they call trauma right? Well if you’re reading this stop for a second to think about your life as a whole. Think about any forms of violence you’ve endured either physical or verbal and also think about any form of violence you’ve performed. Once you are able to identify either or ask yourself what emotions came up for you during that moment of reflection. Then make a difference. Either forgive yourself or tell someone else that you forgive them. Make a pact within yourself to spread more love instead of violence or hate. Lastly, remember to walk away from extreme situations where you feel that you may be losing control of yourself because this world is fucked up enough no one needs to experience more TRAUMA so don’t be the person to add some to someone’s life.

[lostinforeignfields-blog]

 Seeing Color

October 11th, 2018

Growing up in the inner cities I was constantly around people of all different colors, shapes, and sizes. It never really occurred to me that there even was a difference. Even after learning about race and gender and the horrible things in our history during my time in high school I still never really paid attention to that. I had friends of all ethnicities and because of my skin color I always identified as black. When someone asked me what my nationality was I would inform them that I was Brazilian but generally identified as black solely on my skin color. I eventually made my way up to college and ended up at Merrimack College in North Andover. I immediately was able to tell the difference. The school was mainly white my freshmen year and on top of that I was the only person of color on my volleyball team. It’s funny because although I quickly noticed that I was very different then everyone else externally I still didn’t think anything would feel different. Boy was I wrong! My experience in college was the first time in a long time that I actually felt like I did not fit in. I had a hard time really bonding and meshing with the girls on my team and when I thought I was in I really wasn’t. For the first time in a long time I finally felt the difference. For most of the time I felt like the people whom I interacted with made me feel like they liked me and that I was certainly their friend but they would always gravitate more to those who looked like them. They trusted them more and bonded way more. I remember going home one summer and working my ass off just to save some money so that when I got on campus I could buy brand named clothing like Lily Putlitzer and The Black Dog just to see if I would feel more included. But that didn’t work. It wasn’t until junior year that I realized that there is nothing wrong with me and that I don’t need to work so hard to be something or someone I am not. Looking back at that time they may not see this as a “color thing” but when you are someone of color it certainly feels that way. No one likes to feel left out especially when they are already so obviously different. I learned a lot about social interactions and what it means to be underrepresented in a community. Unfortunately, due to my experiences I now hold back a lot or have a lot of prejudgments for others who do not look like me. I now see color more than ever before.

[lostinforeignfields-blog]

Remember how you saw life as a kid? That was the right way.

October 8th, 2018 

Remember when you were kid and you would constantly complain either about your toy or wanting to go somewhere and you would get a hard NO and then you would freak out and say things such as, “This is the worst day ever.” Or remember in your teen years when you would disagree with a parent and you would feel your insides collapse and you would blurt things out like, “I can't wait to get out of here.” Or or your first little white lie that you tell to your parents and then you finally get caught and you feel like the world is ending around you. Well looking back at those days BOY WAS I LIVING THE DREAM! I actually miss how things USED TO BE, LITERALLY. I look back to my childhood and reflect on how lucky I was to have grown in a generation where playing outside was actually enjoyable and watching shows such as Full House or iCarly would actually crack me up. It’s freaking scary how fast this world is evolving. Children are so much more advanced! Kids under the age of 10 years old know about SEX! Gosh, back in my days I couldn’t even comprehend what that could possibly mean. But then again I was always bad at science... Anyways, my point is I love kids. There is nothing I want more in the world then to have my own children. And I am sure lots of you feel the same way. But it isn’t it daunting to think about what their future will look like? What their school interactions would be like? What they would talk about with their friends? Ever stop to think about WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WORLD? WHEN DID EVERYTHING CHANGE SO SUDDENLY? I honestly lost track... Well if your reading this I hope you can help me do something about it or at least try? For every interaction you have with a child whether that be your own or a relative or a friends child try to reenact with them what you valued most about your own childhood. For example for me what I valued most about my childhood was playing outside or crawling on my dads back while he pretended to be a horse inside our living room. Whatever comes to mind, reenact that with that child. As often or as much as you can. I know this sounds crazy silly or that it may not make a difference but maybe it can? I just think children nowadays are lacking genuine human contact. They are getting exposed too quickly to the “real stuff.” Their KIDS and reality does not have to move that quickly for them. It’s supposed to be slow. For example, I didn't learn to use a computer until I was about 9 or 10. Nowadays thats unheard of BUT I was too busy being a KID and playing outside versus learning how to get to a game on an app at age 3. INSANE! Kids need to play; sing; dance; cry; ride; they need to live an actual childhood. SO if your reading this, help bring back that culture in anyway that you can... 

[lostinforeignfields-blog]

Hierarchies

October 5th 2018

Today I walked into a room full of professional adults. Some were social workers, some were court officers, some were judges, and some were police officers. I myself was a program manager for a nonprofit organization called Roca who works with troubled young adults. BUT in this same room were about 6 young men. 6 young men who are heavily involved in the streets; 6 young men who have had extremely traumatizing upbringings; 6 young men who simply want what we all want BUT they themselves may not know that just yet. As all of these different departments introduced themselves I couldn’t help but to stare at each individual young men. Inside I could feel my heart pounding; my hands getting sweaty; my throat clogging up; all because as I sat there I envisioned what it would be like to be one of them. I envisioned what it felt like to sit there listening to “important officials” give there introductions and speak about their work. I instantly was able to feel how these young men must feel. Day in and day out they are encountered or involved with different institutions. Good ones like educational programs or nonprofits and bad ones like courts or jails. As I sat there I couldn’t help but feel there pain. I kept thinking how exhausting it must be to encounter so many different people who do so many different things but yet none of those things is actually what they need… They really just need a hug. They need love. They need ears that actively listen. They need a million chances. They need structure. They need patience. They simply need strong, authentic, real caring human connections that will never leave. THEY NEED SOMEONE WITHOUT A TITLE. They just want humans to feel their pain. They want someone to share their pain with and to help them carry some of it too. As I sat in that room while every other professional adult discussed the wrongs and rights and this or that requirement to stay out of jail and succeed I simply sat there reflecting on how horrible their lives are. It’s interesting how we as humans pride ourselves for our accomplishments. I mean of course we would right? We worked hard for them! BUT, sometimes consistently talking about how far you’ve come or simply introducing yourself with your name and current job title can instantly make another feel below you. A setting such as what I just discussed is a perfect example of that. If all of these professionals entered this room full of troubled young men and everyone simply introduced themselves with their names that would have created a much better environment. Where everyone feels equal and of course it may be obvious to the young men who does what BUT there is something about not saying it out loud that makes the world a difference. I don’t know I could also be completely wrong and this could be a stupid point to even be making. But I do believe being aware of your surroundings could make an impact. I do believe human connections can be stronger when you even out the playing fields. For example, I was able to connect with this young person in court today to a pretty solid level for someone who doesn’t even know me and I started the conversation by simply stating my name and asking him his. There is no need for me to tell him my job tile and what I want for him and what he needs to do to succeed… I’m sure he already knows that. My only job in that interaction should be to LEARN which requires LISTENING. That’s the problem. NO ONE listens therefore NO ONE learns…  

[lostinforeignfields-blog]

August 16th, 2018

So UNREAL... I am certainly a girl of many passions. But for me modeling or acting is a form of art! In every job I have ever booked I essentially get to express an artistic and creative side of me that I don’t normally get to do every day. It is really an unreal feeling to know that that side of me is even there! Nowadays modeling isn’t what it was before. It is no longer about passion, hard work, and love for the industry. It has simply become about who has the most followers or who is willing to take their clothes off for the most exposure and attention. Women who could careless for the industry all of a sudden are models. Women who never dreamed of modeling now put on this façade of “Oh I’ve always wanted this.” It is pretty clear who has always dreamed of something and who has not. Our generation is a fucking mess. People will do whatever it takes for a little bit of attention even at the stake of their own dignity. Nobody truly follows their own passions everyone just follows the passions of others because that looks better than their own. It’s pathetic. On another note, every single gig I go to is like the BIGGEST DEAL EVER TO ME. I fought so long and so hard for this. I gave up so many times due to my personal insecurities and numerous NO’s from various agencies. But I kept getting back up. This stuff for me is not for the money, fame, popularity, or followers. This for me is about self-fulfillment. This is my dreams coming true one small success at a time. And for every YES that I get it is a fucking celebration because I instantly think back to all of those who told me NO and who doubted me. This work feeds my soul and fires me up. With that being said, BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN PERSONAL GOALS; FOLLOW YOUR OWN PASSION AND NOT WHAT OTHERS DO BECAUSE YOU THINK IT’LL FULFILL YOU, I promise you it won’t… Be original.