Mindless and Full of Thought

All the writing on this blog is my property. Wrote exclusively by me for me (maybe for someone who needs to hear the same thing). It is my life, my mind, my morals, and what truly swirls through me. You do not like it well write your own. THIS IS MY STORY I write under another pen name of ~Too Young To Know~. You can find shorter more poetic writings here. That is another side perhaps to be on here one day as well. Read on Darlings. Hopefully one of these you can relate too. Dream the art you want to be.

[lostinlonging-blog]

Bully Mentality

When someone comes to you who is in trouble but instead tell them to stop making themselves the victim, therefore putting them down when they’re reaching out for help.

[lostinlonging-blog]

Something so small as not having a real wedding when I really wanted one sucks. We couldn’t afford it. We can’t and probably never will. It literally tears me to shreds. I feel embarrassed. I’m not trying to keep my marriage a secret. I’m just poor. I’m living paycheck to paycheck. We paid for safety and job dependability. So most of our check is gone. There’s never enough and I’m sad all the time. I can not do a fun thing but watch everyone else. They all seem like they do things and have real adventures. Of course we’re the only ones with a toddler too. If he can’t go I can’t. I have been gone very little without my toddler. Very little. Now I sit and wonder if this was all not meant for me. I’m not wanted and working and trying but it’s not enough I can’t make any of the ends meet.

[lostinlonging-blog]

Having a lot of problems with people thinking they know me

I'm gonna say it. Ain't nobody know me like me. No ONE NO ONE Has been in my life 100% I worked my ass off all my life and when I still wasn't good enough I finally started other things to make me feel better. They were distractions. You don't go telling the world your distractions if you want to grow. They become secrets which my fam is so fucking good at. So secrets happen. You grow up and associate and disassociate with people. NOW PEOPLE WANT TO ACT LIKE THEY KNOW ME LIKE THEY KNOW WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH I THOUGHT MY HUSBAND KNEW ME BUT FOUND OUT ABOUT SOMETHING I NEVER TOLD HIM BECAUSE IT WAS PAST SHIT. I know what happened. That's why I am the way I am. Everyone thinks I had it fine. Ain't nobody but me know the real. Fuck other people's opinions of you. They don't know shit! That said don't be going on Facebook and so on being a little bitch every time you trip. Deal with it and stop pushing your negativity to these other people. For real. Done. Keep ya nasty ass opinions about other people, their bodies, and their lives out of your mouth.

[lostinlonging-blog]

I have a confession on my backstory

I need to let go This is going to be long, but important. My family growing up was extremely negative, judgmental, cruel, and frankly racist. I remember getting told what I couldn't do. Whether it be not being able to get a job until this or I was too short to ever play basketball. When I joined a club after school I was a burden even if it was to get tutoring or help with my college resume. I'm not talking ever once in awhile. I'm talking consistence in getting told no. I felt like I was never good enough. Even worse, I was not only told what I couldn't do, but that I was wrong. I was too big (I worked out daily) and my acne needed to be fixed. It made me have an obsession with hate for myself. I wasn't good enough physically or mentally. I did darn good in school. I was a damn Air Force academy candidate. As I get older I go wow I wish I could've silenced it BUT THIS IS WHAT I WAS TAUGHT EARLY IN LIFE. I was less important than others because I wasn't pretty. I wasn't tall. I wasn't skinny. I wasn't a complete genius (once again I wasn't a failure I never ever got anything lower than a C and it was extremely rare and halfway due to because I was scared of being a burden if I went to tutoring). I eventually felt like a burden to everyone. I felt like I couldn't be anyone. I felt like I shouldn't breathe. I felt like I should've been gone. I remember the day my dad told me I looked like a slut for wearing short jean shorts. I was in middle school. I barely knew about anything sexual. I didn't have sex until I was 18 and it was with someone I looked at engagement rings with. I think it's fair to say it was my first love. I was told who I liked as a friend or boyfriend wasn't right. Because they were a certain race. I KNEW IT WAS WRONG. This is literally the only thing I fought. I let them destroy me but how dare they destroy people I cared about because of their race. It made me disturbed and made me distrust and hate people. This leads to one of the best things in my life now. Because I fought for others I loved, I no longer hear from some of my family and honestly it's so freeing. I wish I could be free of the hate I have had weighted on me, the anxiety I feel from not ever feeling good enough or when I make a little mistake that I have ruined everything and don't deserve anything. I am still terrified today. With a husband and baby, I still have anxiety and get scared and defensive around family that is not my husband and son. I really wish it wasn't like this. More than anything. It has made it so hard for me to make relationships that I want so bad. I want others to know your family is NOT everything and always correct. Sometimes they are what's truly hurting you and you can leave them. You can be better. Most of all if you need help or are scared message me. You deserve to be happy.

[lethbian]

me: I should go to therapy probably (later at therapy) therapist: so how are you? me: fine! I’m great actually I don’t know why I’m here I’m so great

[lostinlonging-blog]

I've had some insane anxiety lately

I started something new and am just so unsure about it. I just want to be someone. I feel like I'm in a hole. I honestly don't know if I ever make the right decisions. I just want to be great.

[lostinlonging-blog]

For real though

Parents complain about school expenses like crazy but hold up. How much were you paying for daycare before they got to school????? Because I am lucky in how little I pay but know it won't take that much while he's in public school. Like why are you even complaining?

[lostinlonging-blog]

I just feel useless

I don't want to be the punching bag of the world anymore. With every small victory I have I am given a day of tears and feel lucky if it's only one. I am tired. I feel alone in my fight. I feel like a failure to everyone around me. I feel like I should've died but modern medicine stopped it and maybe it wasn't for the best.

[lostinlonging-blog]

I hate myself but I can't tell anyone

I hate myself but I can't tell my husband because it makes him feel like a failure and I feel like he gets mad it me. I hate myself but I can't at home because my son is just a baby and needs a strong support and I have to pretend I'm brave and okay. I hate myself but I can't say anything to work or anyone there because to keep my job I need to work perfect. I hate myself but I can't tell my doctor because then it's on my medical record and affects my job. I hate myself because I can't tell a friend because I don't have a single one I trust. I hate myself because I feel there is so much wrong with me and I can't get help. It destroys my whole life. It makes everything so much harder. I realize I am always a foundation to others but just that. The underfoot of them. Nothing to them but yet keeping everything afloat. I wish I was dead. Not to show anyone off but just so I could stop hurting but then I know I'd be destroying my husbands career as he knows it and leaving my son motherless. I'm here because people need me. The limp tired sad stink dishrag.

[cosmicwizdom]

I’m always afraid of opening up when my mind is louder than my heart; afraid of what the monsters will let slip. I want to get the story out, but I keep swallowing my words and they crumble before I can put them down on paper.

Joshua Greenaway (via cosmicvibe)

[lostinlonging-blog]

I have a "good" job

I am currently crying in my car shaking from anger. I almost want to quit my job but I need the money. I have multiple bosses with undefined lines of a "chain of command". With one boss I'm right with another I'm wrong. I am constantly questioned. I am exhausted. I am mentally drained. I am physically becoming tired. It's a good job but because I am less experienced for the exact same work I am paid about half. I am in far too much pressure to earn less than others. I feel sick and done.

[lostinlonging-blog]

So I have this problem

So I have this problem where I'd like to go back to school so people stop looking at me like an uneducated peasant even though I literally have a pretty important job.

[lostinlonging-blog]

I really don't know if I'm supposed to be happy. I try so hard to be positive but it's made me a push over and people are really taking advantage of me. I'm losing it.

[lifeasmedium]

Quick Weight Loss Results

I don’t know about everyone else but as I struggle I get so nervous and uncomfortable and these quick weight loss solutions get as tempting as a chocolate cupcake.

Even worse when you look at them there always a subscription/auto ship program constantly taking your money.

You don’t know if you even like them and haven’t seen them in person.

There’s these results but how can you be sure they’re true?

It’s easier to become a seller than a buyer.

There’s all these flags that say no and you’re still so desperate to try it to see if it will help.

I’m trying to stay away but idk how much longer I can hold out?

Has anyone had honest to God encounters with stuff like this?

[kayswiz]

YES YES YES. I am constantly conflicted on wanting to try something but scared it’s a scam.

[lostinlonging-blog]

Does anyone use anything? Does it help?

[lostinlonging-blog]

Isn't it disgusting how others want to tell you what you should and shouldn't do? I saw an argument for a license plate saying "In God, We Trust" becoming an option. Someone said how is it affecting you as an argument for it. How does abortion, gay marriage, mixed marriage, the graduates walking out of Pence's speech effect you? Does everyone's reactions/actions effect you? Why slander the people you don't even know? How about talk about the actions instead of calling people ignorant or snowflakes? Seriously watching full grown adults acting childish is so sad. It makes me lose a significant amount of respect for the person attacking a person. PSA: No one likes someone abusing anything. Everyone likes free speech. Don't take advantage of things.

[lostinlonging-blog]

I'm exhausted.

I have busted my ass for so long. I have helped bring someone up almost with me but now they're slipping and I don't know what I can do to help anymore. I'm so tired. I'm by myself doing work for at least 1.5 of me. Really 2. I don't want to relax but I just wish I could not be sick or sleep well so when I wake up I feel refreshed. I'm nodding off at work and not caring anymore just mad and fed up with my life.

[lagonegirl]

white people using their privilege to educate, a concept!