if you want to find me, flip the pages of my story

[lostinmynotebook]

a fresh start

like snipping dead roses off the bush so

new blooms can flourish

to taking care of yourself for your own good instead of a standard for beauty

a new beginning

taking in more knowledge

and letting your words flow out from your mind into the world again

a quick pace

no more letting life take you by

or mourning what could have been

I am fresh

I am new

I am quickly reborn into large shoes that I refuse to leave unfilled

I am scared and insecure and overwhelmed I will constantly get it wrong

I will do all of those things.

but I am ready to persist and try again

-Knoxville in the Fall

[lostinmynotebook]

I did not realize my flower was sick until I changed the water

My water looked like crystal at first

Then slowly it began to change

So slowly I couldn’t see

Only when I forced myself to uproot did I see the grime

The clean water, without toxicity, has allowed my flower to bloom

I moved from a cloudy case to the bright sunshine

Surrounded myself with other flowers

I am expanding in my own garden

I am radiant

-flowering heart

[lostinmynotebook]

Clouds cover up my sun

It is dreary and grim

Day to day I lose my fun

As my light inside goes dim

They are not nice clouds

Not puffy nor white

Nor in cute little shapes

They are loud

They give fright

They are the kind to make you close your drapes

My clouds haunt me

And I miss my sun

-inner storm

[lostinmynotebook]

Pillow wet with tears

Crying in the work bathroom

And lost promises

It always seems to go wrong

[lostinmynotebook]

That night

[lostinmynotebook]

upper class trailer trash worth nothing more than three empty fast food bags and broken promises saying Christmas and your birthday will be small this year since I was 7 years old mice crawling in the walls eating better than us on a bad week overflowing trash on the back porch because there’s no time and no money to take it to the dump feeling as worthless as the bags themselves knowledge is power to those who don’t have the money to buy it reading every scrap of letters I can get my hands on until they were handed to me movies and those knowledge letters tell the stories of what our lives will never be upper class trailer trash don’t have flashy cars they don’t have starbucks every morning upper class trailer trash worries about the bills getting paid no mama I don’t need breakfast this morning every morning of the week even though you know that 5 dollars wont make a dent in those unpaid bills 5 dollars wont buy happiness holidays roll around and 5 dollars isn’t even there anymore Christmas and your birthday will be small this year praying family and friends won’t get you anything because you can’t do the same nothing to offer but those knowledge letters you’ve somehow gotten good at writing double-wide that’s my house a fancy name for a slightly bigger trailer in a slightly better place yet we still can’t pay the bills because they aren’t only slighter higher they tower over us like a cartoon villain pressing down on our shoulders and making us count every penny “are you sure you don’t want some lunch money” comes in handy two days later when the car is almost out of gas 5 dollars isn’t much but it’ll hold hold until dad gets paid it gets a little easier those next few days when the money comes in we get some food and some more gas we can pay on those bills but then the money gets tighter as your jeans do the same a little money buys food with a lot of weight jeans squeeze and upper class trailer trash doesn’t have money to buy new ones jeans get a bit loser by next week when you don’t eat as much to preserve what you have I’ve had a nice life parents trying hard to keep us happy with what we had but life catches up to everyone especially the little writer the upper class trailer trash kid who smiles pretty and writes her knowledge letters hoping it will get her somewhere in life hoping it will get her parents out of debt hoping to ease the burden of the mindset of who they live as because upper class trailer trash isn’t who anyone wants to be

upper class

[velcroheartstrings]

“I do not wish to find a love like a double vodka and coke- bitter towards the end. I want a love like a purple cocktail- the kind that tastes like a slush puppy. I want someone to choose me out of choice, not habit. Please do not consume me if you know you cannot handle what I bring to the table.”

— we all have an element of bitterness; the trick is to find someone who’s bitterness mixes well with yours.

[jess-amelia]

“This is why I don’t want to let anyone else in again. You let them get close to you and you start to expect things from them. You expect to see them, you expect them to reply or call you. You expect and expect but all you’re really left with is disappointment and why? So he or she can make you feel complete? I can feel that way on my own. So they can make you smile? I do that fine on my own as well. I have my best friends and most importantly, I have myself. And unlike everyone else, I don’t let myself down.”

— You let someone in and all they do is break you before they abandon you, leaving you to clean up the mess on your own - Jess Amelia 

[lostinmynotebook]

brightly colored stars falling from the sky and tangible happiness there is a bass shaking the ground the foundations of our music and the last heartbeat of those dying stars cannons bursting in the distant past we've forgotten where we started morals and freedom twisted to our amusement what are we really celebrating

independence day

[lostinmynotebook]

They say the moon is in love with the sun That their beauty and affection can be seen from even the furthest star I don’t know if I believe that Maybe I’m a sadist or a cynic Maybe I’m realistic Or maybe I’m jealous They say that the sun sets each day to let her love, the moon, shine I’m not sure I believe that either Maybe I do not understand Maybe I don’t care to The sun, the moon, the stars Each more capable of love than I So many adoring eyes gazing at her lover The sun burns bright with envy...or is it pride? All on her own, the moon twinkles in the night sky She wants to show she is more than the sun Or how her love makes her glow brighter than the stars I do not understand I’m not sure I ever will Maybe it is folklore Or maybe it is a tale only two lovers can know

sapphic love within the stars

[lostinmynotebook]

I think I heard you say I love you, but it must have been a dream

little talks

[lostinmynotebook]

Why should I bother trying when it’s clear that you don’t care anymore

unsent texts

[lostinmynotebook]

I’m too much for you to handle but not enough for you to want

give me up

[lostinmynotebook]

In the cold of the night

And the heat where you lay

I can feel your fingertips

Sending my nerves in a craze

Warm breaths huffed against my skin and yours

Too tight grip never tight enough

Soft glancing touches never soft enough

I dream about you in the dark

Your skin pressed against mine

The heat between our bodies stifling

As we try to do the same with our voices

Hush they’re sleeping

Hush I’m on fire

Lighting up the too dark room to see your smile

Your fingers as they brush along without a care and with too much

I long for the feeling of hands in my hair and teeth on my neck

Indulge me

Drink me up like the warm coffee you sip every morning

Inhale me like cigarette smoke and let me settle in

Touch me

Feel me

Let me breathe you in because

I’m drowning

And you’re my oxygen

Late night talks in the dark

[lostinmynotebook]

Misunderstandings can be a knife

Digging into your skin and leaving you cold

Alone and bleeding in the silence

No matter how many times you say I’m sorry

It’s never enough

Your stomach is still in knots, twisting and turning with every misread look

No matter how many times you say it

It never feels better

They may forgive you

But can you forgive yourself

alone in a side room

[lostinmynotebook]

I haven’t looked at a scale in months. Not because I don’t feel the need, but because I am scared. I don’t want to see those numbers go up like I know they have. I see it every day in the mirror, or the tightness of my jeans. I refuse to sit on someone’s lap because I don’t want to press them down with my weight. I don’t want to feel the differences of our bodies. I don’t wear tight shirts. I don’t like the red press marks on my hips. I don’t look at scales.

Secrets of the mirror

[lostinmynotebook]

write about your most recent kiss

it was honestly my dog, but that’s not what you’re asking ;)

it’s new years eve, and the clock reads 11:09 at night. you both know that you won’t have midnight and it’s only a matter of time. you’re both laying in their bed, staring at each other in the dim light of the lamp.

“stop staring at me” you whisper and you can already feel your heart beating hard from nerves and a little something extra. it only beats harder when they whisper “but you’re beautiful”

you shove their face aside but quickly ask for their attention back once they start teasing you

the clock says 11:14 and you both know that the car is waiting outside for you to leave. sitting up feels like more than it is when they stare at you like that. meeting their lips feels like it always has: soft, magical, and familiar in all the best ways. it doesn’t last long, but it doesn’t have to.

the clock says 11:18 when you’re standing by the door, sneaking one last kiss before saying happy new years and walking into the cold, feeling warmer than any coat could provide