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@jess-amelia
For months I believed that the reason he left was because I wasn't enough. But the reality is, he couldn't handle my wild and the way I dive headfirst into the things that scare me. He admired my fearlessness, but my waters intimidated him so much that he strayed to safer shores and I apologized for my waves.
I'll never make this apology again - Jess Amelia Coe
I’m here tangled in your sweatshirt breathing in whiffs of the cologne that ignites a fire in an unseen place. With a heavy mind and eager heart, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve fallen too hard, too fast, too entirely. The self-protection mechanism built deeply into my sub-conscious is almost strong enough to overcome everything else. But my intuition says that, despite the potential devastation that losing us may result in, what we have is worth any price. Because what is the point of living if I hide in the shadows rather than fight for what I believe in? What is the point of having a beating heart if I ignore it, cast it aside, cage it in glass all in the name of safety? What are emotions good for if I spend my time running from them rather than embracing them?
I’ll spend as many days as I can with you bathing in the sunlight, and I’ll use the bright memories to fend off the inevitable darkness.
-Jess Amelia Coe
The air sweetened as he hovered over me and I felt our connection shift like two tectonic plates moving towards each other. When our eyes locked, he wore this smile of pure joy and pleasure, unlike anything I’d ever seen before, and my bones melted in the same way that the poets described. Suddenly, all the poems made sense and I thought “oh, this is it”.
-Jess Amelia Coe
From the very beginning, I knew that I could spend forever with you. That’s a crazy thought, isn’t it? But I knew it from the way the butterflies fluttered not in anxiety, but anticipation. The way my soul exhaled with relief when you first hugged me. The way a taut cord that I wasn’t even aware of loosened every time you laughed. I just knew that you were everything that I was looking for.
Now there’s so much I’m at risk of losing and I grapple with the fear, I try to bear the uncertainty, as the world sleeps. While I wait for the sun to chase away the shadows, I find comfort in your existence. I hold this gratitude dear to my heart and I know that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. It’ll be okay because I had the chance to know you and you showed me that the magic I’ve spent my life subconsciously looking for does exist.
And so, I know I’ll love you forever.
-Jess Amelia Coe
When I wished you well, it was not with despair but peace. When the flood gates opened, it was not in sorrow but relief. When I let us go, it was not out of helplessness but hope.
Jess Amelia Coe
Slipped into your shirt with the hope that it'd rescue me from the weight of missing you. As I breathed in your scent, I learned that hugs from ghosts are painful too.
Jess Amelia Coe
You are back 😄🤩💖
Yes, hello again 😄🥰 I hope you’ve been well 💞
On the dark, heavy days, I pull myself out of bed by imagining your hand tugging on mine. When I've misplaced my smile, I find it by remembering yours. When the world feels cruel and vile, I look at the sky and remember your eyes. When loving hurts too much, I remember how beautiful your love felt and that I'd like to make someone feel as special as I was to you. When living feels too hard, I remember your resilience and that you'd want me to be happy. So on these days, I live for you.
Jess Amelia Coe
I genuinely believed that the most difficult part of recovering from the abuse would be to trust another partner again. I was wrong. The hardest part was to trust my own judgment and to have faith that I would recognize the signs, that I would have the strength to walk away this time. They all talk of healing and giving love another chance, but they don't mention giving yourself another chance to break your own heart. They mention the risk of falling in love again, but never the risk of being wrong again.
Jess Amelia Coe
Discomfort said, "Was it really abuse though? We chose to love him, defend him, to be with him through it all." I replied, "We chose to love him, but we didn't choose to be lied to, gaslighted, threatened, bruised, and baited with empty love. We chose to fight for someone we loved, but that didn't give him the right to destroy us." "But despite him doing all those things, we stayed," she countered. "Yes, because we believed all of his manipulation. We truly thought that we were in the wrong, and so we did everything we could to fix ourselves. He was able to deceive and control us since he knew all our weaknesses. We didn't give him permission to do any of that. He said he loved us and we believed him, but one doesn't purposely break and ruin the person they love. That is abuse." Fear said, "I don't want to be powerless like that ever again." "We won't. We'll recognize it next time. We'll be okay. He's gone and we're safe." Anger said, "How could he have done that to someone who only wanted to love him?" "I don't know. But I do know that it highlights the stark contrast between his character and ours." Pity said, "I feel sorry for him. I wish he would change for the better." "Even though he hurt us, it's hard not to feel bad for him. We will heal, but until he realizes his faults, he will remain stuck. In the end, he's hurting himself the most." Shame said, "I wish I had loved myself more and treated myself better." "We made a mistake. We've learned from it and we have our whole life to right that wrong." Disgust was judgmental and asked, "How could I even love someone like that?" "We didn't know." Anger returned but couldn't form any words. It was too much. We sat together in silence and waited for it to pass. Shock couldn't stop repeating the same words over and over: "He never actually loved me." "That's true, but him not loving you, helped you love yourself." Hurt was the hardest to listen to because she asked the most difficult question of all: "How could he have been so heartless and cruel?" "We'll never know. And that's okay. That's not what matters. Despite all the wounds he gave us, our heart it still strong; we are still capable of loving and I think that's beautiful." Sadness was overwhelming. She cried for the girl we were then, for the woman we are now and for the boy he still is and probably always will be. I held her and reminded her that it was terrible but it's over now. We're not there anymore. Grief was the last one to the party. We mourned the death of our past self. We were trying to mourn the boy we loved when she asked, "How do we mourn someone who never really existed?" "He might not have existed, but there were moments when he was real to us. So we'll mourn him the same way we've mourned everyone else: we'll remember and move on."
Conversations with my Emotions after Identifying the Abuse - Jess Amelia Coe
~excerpt from my novel~
Wow. I've just separated from a long term partner and I'm reading through your writing and some of them stab like a knife. But in a good way. It's like you've put aspects of our relationship perfectly into words in ways that I've never been able to. Thank-you for sharing your words. It's really healing to know that someone else has felt the way I do right now.
I always feel so conflicted when I get messages like these haha
It saddens me to hear that you're going through a hard time and that you relate. I'm sorry, I hope your pain eases soon. But I'm also happy that my words were able to bring you some kind of comfort.
Thank you for reading my posts! Please remember that you're not alone 💜 feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.
-J.A.
Don't expect honesty from someone who can't be honest with themselves. Don't expect your feelings to be safe with them either since they can't even handle their own.
Jess Amelia Coe
Maybe it's all my fault. Maybe I run from the ones that care to the ones who don't because I still haven't mastered the art of receiving love.
Jess Amelia
I just want to say that I really appreciate your poetry. I can relate to most of them and its helping me to put my thoughts together. Thank You! :)
Aww thank you so much for telling me! Made my morning haha I’m glad that my poetry is able to help you! 💖
you know what i dont quite understand? is how someone can say they miss you or they love you but justify there hurtful actions by saying its for the best. Especially when it seems as if its not for the best because it doesnt benefit either of us
I understand how that can be confusing.
I think it depends what the hurtful actions are. Do you mean that they say they love you and miss you, but they left anyways and said it was for the best? Because it’s possible to miss and love someone, but still decide that ending the relationship is the best thing to do. I know that sounds contradictory but sometimes things don’t make sense right away. Maybe in a few weeks or months from now you’ll find some clarity 😘
xoxo J.A.