Lost in Thought

[lostinthought-summer2011-blog]

Day 2: Hurtful Words

I would like to start off by recognizing that today was not all bad. It started off very well. I rehearsed this morning with my high school band and I was very pleased with it. I stuck around for the next class and sat in with their trumpets. Going back to your high school band as someone who is studying music education is always nice; I always find myself in observation mode and my band director can be very resourceful and insightful. Afterwards, I came home and unintentionally took a 4 HOUR nap!!! (woops...) I only meant to sleep for about an hour...

I woke around 5 and my mom was already home. My brother was sitting there working on some math homework and then my mom started talking about how disappointed she was in him. In my opinion, it got a bit carried away. She had said things like "thanks a lot" and "you've made me so upset that I threatened someone's life today at work. I said 'Don't mess with me; I'll kill you'" Hmmmm...

This is yet another one of the frustrating things about being home. As I said yesterday, my brother is not doing well in school and I could understand the yelling... for yesterday. It's hard when you don't agree with the parenting styles of your parents. I mean... they're my parents. But seriously! I began to reflect on the way that my parents talk to him and I don't understand how they can treat him like they do. They always say that they have to be harder on him than they were on me because I was more self sufficient. However, they don't have any trust in him. I listen to the way that my step-dad talks to him and about him and the way that they will both yell at him. It pains me to watch. I think that if I were in his situation, I would've given up a long time ago. A person can only take so much. 

Aside from the constant yelling from parents and their negative words, they have also managed to take nearly everything away from him. I fear that he may develop a mindset in questioning what he has to live for. He doesn't even have a bedroom and has actually taken on more responsibilities around the house, mostly in regards to watching my sister. 

When I looked at my family today, I saw something I had never so strongly seen before. The relationships in my family are very close to, if not, dysfunctional (illogical at the least). I have a step-dad who is addicted to poker, had recently been drinking more, isn't very understanding, and has a need to be "one of the bros" whenever possible. My mom will do everything she can to make him happy, which disappoints me, and she sometimes fails to see the bigger picture. I have always seen my brother as a good kid, but have recently developed disappointments in him. His work in school, attitude with my parents, lack of effort, he's beginning to hang around the wrong kids and I don't like it. The way that my family members affect each other scares me. I see the way they interact and it doesn't seem as though they are in any way a positive impact on each other. With each person, I can see them wearing away.

*These issues have only been this extreme recently. Obviously, things weren't always this way. They are good people who don't know a better way to deal with these situations. *

[lostinthought-summer2011-blog]

Beauty in Words

Last night, I had found a beautiful quote from Bob Marley that nearly had me in tears. And, of course, I had to send it to my amazing boyfriend:

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." 

~ Bob Marley

[lostinthought-summer2011-blog]

Day 1: Welcome home...

This blog is meant to serve as an output for my feelings and concerns over the summer. I don't expect anyone to be listening, but I can't sleep at night and need to address my feelings somehow. 

Today was my first full day home from college. The day started out fine; I went to lunch with my best friend, Rebecca, and then I went to my high school to talk with my band director. I came back home around 3 and by 3:15, my day took a turn and I was reminded of why I dreaded coming home in the first place. There was 2 straight hours of yelling in my house. Normally, I wouldn't think too much of it, but this really bothered me. The yelling was towards my brother and his efforts in school. He is in the 9th grade and is failing/has failed almost all of his classes this year. He gets lazy. It's frustrating because my mom is doing way more than she should need to to help him; she's talked to all of his teachers, figured out tons of resources for him, tried to work with him. (My mom is a single mother of three children with a high school education. She does  what she can and I commend her for being as strong as she has been) Even when he does his work, he doesn't always turn it in. His excuse: "I forgot"... How do you forget when teachers collect it or you see others go to turn stuff in? To add on to those frustrations, on one of his progress reports, it said that he was caught trying to make a shank in woodshop... really?!?!?! Later this evening I was helping him change his password for his email account because he forgot it. I glanced over in time to notice an email that contained some VERY disturbing dialogue between him and a friend. My brother is almost 15 years old... I never wanted to hear, or read, him talking that way. 

In short, today was a frustrating day that contained some disappointments. Welcome home. 

[lostinthought-summer2011-blog]

"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier, and simpler"

Friedrich Nietzsche