Lost Little Aussie

Just somewhere to put my thoughts. Sorry I’m so depressing tho x (She / Her)

[lostlittleaussie]

I’ve made a personality around being a good time.

I paint pictures and spin narratives.

A fun girl on a Saturday night.

Someone who likes sex and takes what she needs without shame or guilt.

Easy.

A whore.

It’s a mask I’ve given up hoping someone will see beyond.

Lonely and achingly fragile… but it’s of my own doing.

And I don’t know how to escape it.

All I know is that when I’m on my knees… even just for a minute… I can pretend I belong.

[lostlittleaussie]

I have secret dreams.

Things I barely dare to daydream.

Fragile.

Delicate and deadly.

If I linger… if I let myself dream…

It hurts too much. It will never be real.

Looking at those secrets feels like looking into the sun.

Pointless and painful.

Leaving lasting damage if not carefully avoided.

So they live in a box.

Expertly hidden under casual flippancy, vanity and carefully masked longing.

[lostlittleaussie]

I just wish

someone would take the time

To look at me.

To see me.

And know just how badly I need saving.

Just how close I am to the edge.

The edge of what,

I’m not yet sure.

I only hope

That when I finally go over it

I become

Someone Else.

[lostlittleaussie]

I really want to kill myself.

But I don’t have time.

I have work in the morning.

[lostlittleaussie]

Sleep - sacred oblivion

[lostlittleaussie]

I’m too much of a coward to do it.

But I don’t know how else to get someone to listen. To hear me.

I swear I’m trying.

[lostlittleaussie]

When I lay beneath him, his body pressed to mine, I want to ask:

“Will you still like me after this?”

But instead I just say:

“Lights off, please.”

[lostlittleaussie]

I wish someone read this stupid shit.

I wish there was at least one witness… one person to give a shit about the pain I’m in.

[lostlittleaussie]

The problem is that I understand.

But it still hurts my feelings. I just wish I had the guts to say it.

[lostlittleaussie]

Every time I give up my body, I feel all the more lonely.

I just don’t know how to connect anymore.

I feel really alone.

[lostlittleaussie]

I’m getting medically sterilised next year.

I hear all the time, “oh you’ll change your mind.”

Or, “I don’t blame you with the state of the world.”

I won’t change my mind. And the absolute shit show that is this modern world is only part of the reason. Why would I bring a child into the world, knowing they will become martyrs in this war? Knowing they will be forced to become soldiers to fight in a battle they cannot win? No. I won’t.

But the main reason…

I will never, ever allow a seed of hope, of pure love and light, to grow in the filth of my putrid body.

I will never allow such purity as an innocent soul to be marred and twisted and mangled by something so polluted and dirty.

I will never allow my children to know the darkness that lives within me. Will never let it touch them.

No.

My children will stay in the stars where they are safe.

My children will never suffer the way I have. They will never know the insidious rot that lives in our blood.

My children will never be tainted by my sickness.

This darkness dies with me.

[lostlittleaussie]

Once, as a child I cried in my mothers arms.

“Mama, I’m scared. I don’t want to grow up.”

Now… as a grown up…

I am more afraid than ever.

[lostlittleaussie]

I don’t know why no one can hear me.

I don’t know how much louder I can scream;

“PLEASE HELP ME. I AM DROWNING.”

I don’t know how much clearer I can be when I tell people how much I’m hurting, how hard I’m struggling.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I need help. I’m begging for it.

But it seems to just echo in the void.

Perhaps I’m not meant to be helped. Maybe I’m just supposed to end.

[lostlittleaussie]

I would totally get sucked into a cult.

Absolutely no doubt.

I want to belong somewhere.

To something.

To someone.

I want to believe in something. I want to feel faith.

I want to not be lonely.

[lostlittleaussie]

As an ultra independent woman, it is so hard to admit this, but…

I just want someone to take care of me. I just want someone to look out for me. To provide for me. Someone to just… let me be dependent on them and to be safe and loved.

I need someone to take care of me because clearly I’m not qualified for the fucking job.

[lostlittleaussie]

I’m too tired to be angry.

And because of that…?

I fear they have won.

[lostlittleaussie]

In my dreams, you’re still alive.