Finding My Way

[lostshellan]

Shock #2

Brian: I hated the waiting game. That's exactly what this was. Wrath left a bit ago with Goatee Man, or...in my opinion the guy who rubbed his face with one too many rats as a towel. Shaking my head, fuck this.  He said I couldn't leave, that didn't mean I couldn't walk around the place. I was restless by nature, and with this...it made me ask the same question, why did he need to warn people? My mind went back to the photo of the kids and the fact that Broody and Mr. Bossman never really answered my question about why he never aged. Wrapping my mind around that, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, and i ended up in the kitchen, where the food smelled absolutely delicious. “Can we get you anything?” Someone asked,

“Can I get a shake, and whatever you guys are preparing?” They nodded and left me to my mind, which was a really bad idea. @LostShellan

Marissa: *I had been working on my training for a while now but needed to spare with someone until Parry was back on her feet. I knew Wrath wasn't all that keen on my wanting to go out into the field. He kept saying the Butch wouldn't want me to go out. Well Butch isn't here and this war needed to end already. So here I was, looking for him at the Audience House to see if he would spare with me. My guess is that it would be a no but damn I was going to try.

“Hello?” *After the war got out of hand, Wrath wasn't here much but a few nights a week he still kept open for the race to come to him for guidance or whatever. Tonight was supposed to be one of those nights, but it looked like he got done early.*

Brian:  The scent knocked me on my ass and I jerked up quickly. Apparently I wasn't the only one who noticed it. My cop guard came up, and I quietly stepped around, only to freeze at the woman who apparently was looking for someone, “Can…” I cleared my throat, “Can I help you with something?” I asked, she looked familiar to me, but I just couldn't place her, and it was bugging me.

Marissa: *The scent was so familiar but different. When the male turned to face me all the blood rushed out of my head. No….he was dead. But sure as night he was standing in front of me.

“Butch? How? What?” My heart hammered in my chest. My lungs struggled for air. How was my dear Hellren standing before me?*

Brian: The name caught my ears, so did the tone. “I'm…” Someone said behind me, “He's not Sire, Miss. He's his great grandson with a human.” Well thank you asshole. I gave him a dark look over my shoulder, there had to been a better way to tell her than that. “My name is Brian O’Neal,” I said softly, “As he said, Butch is my great-grand father, I came by, from what I was told, to look for him.”

Marissa: *I stumbled back a bit when the doggen and then Brian confirmed that he was Butch’s great grandson. That would mean Butch had a son at some point. We never had young though, Butch didn't want to risk it. How could he have a son if not with me? I mean I knew about his trist with Xhex and his other escapades when he was human but…*

“This cannot be possible. He would never...no he couldn't have.”

*The older doggen came to my side and helped me sit in a floral armchair. He called for someone to bring water then asked if he should call for someone. All I could do is shake my head while my what was left of my heart shattered.*

Brian: I stepped closer, slowly. “He did not cheat on you. This I know to be true, if what Wrath says to be believed. My great-grandmother was named Abby. She was a bartender at a bar when they...screwed around.” That's when two things dawned on me, one: They were together, he was the female Wrath was talking about. Fuck. Me. Second, she never aged as well. “I'm sorry, Wrath left here to go somewhere to warn...tell, fuck if I know, about me.” I bit my lower lip and watched carefully.

Marissa: *His words did little to calm my racing mind. How could Butch not know he had a son? The name Abby was slightly familiar but I couldn't place her at the moment.* I am sorry to tell you but your….Butch is dead. He died over two years ago. *Looking up at him, his hazel eyes staring at me much like Butch’s did* I am Marissa, his Shellan.

Brian: “Two years ago? How...he would have been over one hundred years of age? I'm afraid I don't understand He went missing over a century ago.” Something wasn't right, I heard a sharp intake from one of the butlers behind me and I turned around to confirm that I wasn't supposed to know that. I looked back Marissa, eyes narrowing. “What are you? What was he?” That seemed to be the only thing I could latch on too.

Marissa: *The inhale from the doggen told me I had said too much, yet I could care less at this point. Here was Butch’s great grandson and if he is of Butch and Wrath’s line, there was a very good chance he could be a half breed.* You spoke to Wrath correct? What has he told you of Butch?

Brian: “He was a great man, who lived a great life. He...uh...loved his family a lot. If he had known about me and my family, that our lives would be completely different.” I rattled on a few other things as my head spun and my fight or flight instinct kicked into high gear. Not being able to understand, he was alive until two years ago? Did Dad really see him then? How...how could Butch not have known then? “He also told me I had distant family…” At that, I took off. I was done with the information overload and I ran out the back door,  ignoring everyone.

#ShockNumber2 #ISBDBRP

[lostshellan]

Training with Parry

Marissa: *After we got Lyric back, my determination to become a fighter became stronger. We couldn't stand to lose more of us but right now we had too many down to fight. I needed to get out there. I needed to help. Knowing that Parry was out of commission for a little while, I decided to see if she would help me get up to speed. I had been working out with the other trainees but I needed more. Tossing on my yoga pants, a tank and sneakers I went down to her room and knocked softly.* Parry?  @1st_AmongEquals

Parry: ~Stretching as I roll onto my side, cuddling my pillow, with closed eyes, I couldn’t stop a loud groan escape my lips. Opening my eyes, sliding out of bed slowly and hang my feet over the edge of the bed taking slow shallow breaths. I knew I’d be out of commission for a while, I have to prove to the others I was fine. Hopping in the shower, the words of the doctors and of the male giving me a good asswhopping back in the medsuit was playing repeat in my mind.

Stepping out of the shower, hearing a soft knock and a feminine voice call my name coming from the direction of my bedroom door, quickly pulling on my yoga pants,a workout tank. Opening the door to my surprise I see Marissa smiling back at me~

Marisa? Everything alright, sweetie? @LostShellan

Marissa: *I drop my head, fidgeting with my hands as I wait for Parry to open the door. My head snaps up and a sad smile crosses my lips when she does. She had some bruising and looked in pain while she stood against the frame.*

I should be asking you that. *I chuckled softly before continuing* I wanted to talk to you about something. May I come in? @1st_AmongEquals

Parry: ~ opening the door I hold my side, the pain pulling against my side. I look to Marissa as she stands at my door. I was not much help to anyone at the moment and it was causing me to go a little stir crazy. I had only just been allowed out of the Medical suite because I had promised not to do anything stupid~ Of course you can come in. ~ steps aside holding my side, this needed to stop. The pain was so bad I tried to keep my balance~ what did you want to speak about? @LostShellan

Marissa: *I noticed her wince as I stepped inside. She was still recovering from the Lyric mission.* I've been thinking, and I already talked to Wrath and started working out, but I want to be a fighter like you. So I was wondering if you would help me train. We've lost so many. Our numbers to fight are dwindling. *I couldn't handle it if she said no. I needed to be out there with the others fighting. Butch would have pitched a fit but I didn't care. This was how I was going to honor him and his memory as the Dhestroyer.* @1st_AmongEquals

Parry:

I pressed my back up against the back of my bedroom door. I stood there, I could see the determination in her angular face when she turned and looked back at me. My grey-faced and sullen, barely keeping my emotions in check. The scared female in me wanted to say hell no but the warrior inside me wouldn't deny her her choice. But I certainly would not make it easy. As I can't send others to their deaths not again. We had lost too many we were going to send Shellan’s or ex shellans now too.

“Marissa, are you sure? You honor me with your kind words wanting to be a fighter like me. I’ll ask again are you sure?” I continued before she could respond. “I will train you, help you since you already have Wrath’s blessing. But Marissa, I will will be straight with you. You will need to let go everything you hold dear, Your soul, your heart all your beliefs and upbring. You will change in many ways, mentally and physically. If you believe you would be capable of sacrificing your own life, your soul and your body for a fellow family member, a teammate. Not let emotion overtake you when you see them, shot, stabbed or die in front of you. Then meet me in two days time in the gym,  you will still need to be tested first and there are no guarantees that you’ll be fighting out in the field. This will not be easy.” Scribe help me if Butch doesn’t haunt my ass for what I have agreed with his shellen. I can understand why she felt that she needed to honor Butch’s memory but what she didn’t realized was, she was doing that and much more running the l Safe Place. Helping the innocent with refuge and protection. I waited nervously for her response, i probably scared the hell out of her but I would not lie to her. @LostShellan

Marissa: *Taking in her words of caution, I steeled myself. I already lost all emotion. I was numb to feelings I once had the day Butch died. Seeing more and more family and friends injured bothered me but on a different level. I was pissed to hell. I didn't want anyone to go through what I had gone through.*

I'm not going to lie. I am numb to everything except anger. And its not anger that Butch died. Its anger that we have lost so many. Its anger that our family is coming back injured. Its anger at the lessers. I want to use that to fight. I can no longer stand in the wings and wait to see who comes back alive or dead. Whatever you throw at me I will gladly accept. And if I can't pass your training to go in the field, I will go back to Safe Place. Until I know though, I will work my ass off. @1st_AmongEquals

Parry: ~I stand up to the female I must admit I was impressed. I knew the signs she was going through grief it was the same I went through with Craeg but I had the brothers to fall back on. I knew that I had to paint the facade that I was okay for them. For years after the lost of Craeg I had the facade that I was doing okay only a few truly seeing that I wasn’t that I was still in a lot of pain. Even now, for you never truly get over the lost of a Hellren like you never do the lost of a young~

“I would still like you to take a few days to see if you still want to do this. It also gives me a few more days to recover from this. I know how you feel and I know that you want to take the anger you feel out on the others. I get it. More than you know. Take the two days and I will meet you in the gym after classes. I will train you if it is something you still want. I will not object to your training if that is what you truly want, you have my word on that. Please take a few days just to be sure.” @LostShellan

Marissa: *Why did everyone want me to take a few days to think about it? My mind was made up. But seeing how Parry still needed a couple days to recover, I would wait. Masking my growing frustration, I nodded.* I will meet you in the gym in two days. While you recover though, I will continue what I was doing. I can't sit idle.

*I hoped she wasn't injured more than she was letting on. Her color scared me as did her weakness.* Have you been fed Parry? No offense but you really don't look good. @1st_AmongEquals

Parry: ~I shock my head not caring at Marissa’s growing frustration flashed across her face, She will soon realized how true my words sound when / if / she truly sees what rotation is like for us all. A sigh escaped my lips and I nodded at her tone of concern questioning my looks and if i had feed ~

“Honestly, I am still a little weak and that’s why i will see you at the gym in two days. Oh, and the issue of feeding I thought you were the male that would be feeding me when you knocked on my door.” I offered her a soft sweet smile hoping that that would have convinced her that I will be okay. @LostShellan

Marissa: *If I were being honest with myself I would say she was lying about the feeding. However, I needed her to train me so I kept my mouth shut.*

“Thank you for doing this Parry. I hope your male will be here soon and you recover fast.”

*With that, I gave a quick hug and turned to leave, my feet carrying me to the gym for another workout session. I wanted to be ready for whatever Parry threw at me.*

[lostshellan]

Cutting Away the Pain

*Pain makes you stronger or at least that's what they say. They also say that it is to lessen over time. They lie about both. The pain that was in my heart would never fade, never lessen. And sure as hell not make me stronger. I did however find a way to make it go away for a time. And that was by physical pain. Training helped. Pushing my body to its limits until all I could do was collapse in exhaustion was how I spent most of my days. I mastered to eight minute mile. My arms were becoming defined from the weights I lifted. My body still had curves, but was leaner and becoming more muscle and hardness than soft and feminine. But when the soreness of a work out faded, I reached for a blade.

The first time I found this outlet was an accident. I was sparing with a dummy on my own when I pulled the dagger back to quick and sliced my thigh. The burn of the metal slicing through my flesh made me curse out at myself. But for a few moments, my heart didn't hurt. I didn't start right after that. Actually I didn't remember when I truly started cutting myself.

Yet here I was, sitting on my mated bed, holding Butch’s dagger in my hand. I just stripped out of my workout clothes. I had to be discreet with where I cut. Scratches and bruises were common in training and since I wasn't feeding regularly, I did heal slower. Looking down at my bare thighs, I counted seven white lines on the right and six on the left. Left it was.

I took a deep breath in, looking over at the picture of Butch and I at our mating, before I pressed the sharp blade into my flesh. The sting of the cut, lowered my anxiety a fraction. Slowly, I pulled the blade back across my skin leaving a thin line of blood on my ivory flesh. I let my breath out between clenched teeth. The rush of calm crashing over my body while the heat of the cut blazed my skin. And for the few moments my skin tingled, my heart didn't hurt. I could actually take a full breath without my chest feeling like an elephant was sitting on it. This, this was why I cut myself. For those precious few moments of relief from the heaviness of sorrow I carried around with me.*

[lostshellan]

Arguments and Sorrow

Marissa: *They say time heals all wounds. Well, whoever “they” are are fool of shit. Time has made my wounds only fester and grow. The loss of Butch has sent me into a tail spin of emotions. At first I was in shock and despair. Now, two years later I was pissed. Pissed that he left me alone. Pissed that V and Jane couldn't save him. Pissed that I didn't follow him. Sure the anger was pushing me through my training but it only helped so much. I needed to vent or I would explode. The only one that would remotely understand the loss of Butch was V. We had been dodging each other most of the time since that night. But no more. I needed to get everything out of it was going to eat me alive. Knowing he was still recovering a bit, I went to the Pit. Storming in the door, I went over to where his “toys” were and stood with my arms crossed, looking over top his computer.*

We need to talk.

V:

*Sat at the computers, my toys, I heard Marissa's thoughts going back to that night two years ago. No she can't go back there, I don't, I am not going back to that night. Fuck the memories came flooding back, Butch in my arms as he bled out, the life draining from his eyes, Jane trying her hardest to save him but to no avail. Coming back to the pit I felt water on my face realising I had been crying for him. Life just hasn't been the same since. The door of the pit flew open, Marissa stood by the computers “We need to talk” “About what?” I knew where this was going “You know about what” “No we don't. Now leave me to my friend the Grey Goose bottle thanks”

Marissa: *Inhaling deeply to control myself, I released a slow breath* That’s right V, you use your toys and Goose to bury your emotions. Can you even feel? Did you even grieve? How can you sit there, night after night and tell me you don't miss him? That you don't think about him? Oh that's right, your brain is too diluted with goose to remember him. So no, I won't leave you be. I can't any more. Its been two years and you have avoided me and this topic for far too long.  Feel me? *If looks could kill I'm pretty sure I would be dead but I frankly didn't give a shit. At least I would be with Butch in the Fade*

V:

“What you think I'm doing with the Goose bottle? I've mourned for him the second he passed into the Fade! I've done nothing but think of him every second of each day, when I've said something I expect to hear his wisecrack come back. I miss him dearly Marissa. I may not show it on the outside but fuck I'm in bits on the inside. As for avoiding you, yeah I was cos every time I see you I can smell him on you. So there you have it, laid bare. Fucking happy now” I take a long pull from the bottle

Marissa: *Stunned for a moment, I take a step back. I didn't know I still smelled of him. Or that seeing me brought him pain.* No!! I'm not fucking happy! I don't think I will ever be happy again! But what would you know if it? You still have your mate and your brothers. You know they say a bonded male is like a wounded animal when they lose their mate. They never say how a female is without her Hellran. In the glymera, you mourned for the proper time and moved on, hopefully to the next. I will never move on. My heart is shattered to the core. I have such an emptiness inside me it hurts. Why? Why is he gone? Why did he take that bullet that night? Why couldn't Jane fix him? Can you answer me that? Can you?!

V:

“I may have my mate but honestly I cannot remember the last time I was with Jane, so yeah you can say I've lost my mate. As for the rest I don't know why he took that bullet but we did all we could to save him. I know it's not what you want to hear, true?” I go back to drinking the Goose, I feel your eyes burning into me as you stare at me “Your pain will never truly go Marissa, but you'll find comfort in another, true? And don't bother looking at me for that. I'm too damaged. I'm not even fucking whole.” I couldn't give a fuck anymore, I was being the bastard that everyone hated

Marissa: So that's it. You are just going to give up and more than likely go suicidal in the field? *I take the bottle off you, wrapping my lips around the neck and take a big swig of the clear liquid. I needed something to dull the pain and while it burned all the way to the pit of my stomach, I wasn't going to show it* You are wrong, or should I say mostly wrong about two things. One, I will never find another and two you may be damaged but you aren't broken. *I take another swipe before handing the bottle back, my balance a little off from the booze and the fact that I  haven't fed in forever.* Did you know? Did you see it before it happened?

V:

I snarl at you when you take the bottle from me, but what got to me was when you ask if I saw this happening. I dreamt of Butch coming to the Brotherhood and I dreamt of his demise, but I wasn't going to let you know that “It wouldn't of made any bit of use if I'd known what was going to happen, true?” I went to my room, I got ready for a night on the streets, arming myself with my daggers, guns, knifes, ammo and lengths of chain. At this moment in time I couldn't give a fuck with Wrath and his no fighting shit. I needed out before I shattered in front of my best friend’s shellan. Coming back into the lounge “Keep the Goose I've got plenty more, true?” I headed towards the door of the pit

Marissa: *I watched him stand and go to his room. I heard the ‘click’ of his guns and knew he was going out. Not on my watch. I wasn't about to lose him too.* V, don't do this… *I ran behind him, catching him before he stepped outside with my hand on his arm* I can't lose you too. You go out there now and you are signing your death warrant. You haven't fed, you're injured and your head is in the wrong place. Do you really want Jane you be like me? Do you want your brothers mourning you? Fuck V, if for no one else, what would Butch do? *Yeah it was a low blow, one I expected backlash from but I was prepared to take it.*

V:

“How fucking dare you bring all that up? I need to burn all this off but you wouldn't understand that with you being a female, true?” I was angry at you for bringing the Brothers and Cop into this. “My life I do what the fuck I want with it, as for feeding I’ll go to one of the chosen or to Cormia herself” I flung the door open getting ready to walk out of it “And don't even think of going to Wrath to tell him where I've gone, I won't ever forgive if you did, feel me?” I storm out of the pit, my anger rising, fuck I need to kill something now

Marissa: *The Pit shook on its foundation with the slam of the door. I may as well have held the barrel of the gun to his temple. I couldn't let that happen. If he was hell bent on going out and fighting I could at least give him my vein. Not that he would take it. Dematting to the outside, I stopped right in front of him, scored my wrist and held it out.* I won't tell Wrath on two conditions, one you fed from me and two I come with you. Otherwise Wrath will have your ass in a sling faster than you can hack into the street cameras. So what will it be?

V:

“Don't do this Marissa” I smell your blood, the bloodlust raises its ugly head, swallowing I suppress it for now “I won't take your vein, I'd rather starve than take what you offer, feel me?” I drag my gloved hand through my hair. If I could I'd pull the fucking stuff out of my head “You're not coming with me, I'm not going to babysit your ass while theirs the new threat out there, true? Do me a favour Marissa, leave me the fuck alone” I walk past you heading towards the Escalade.

Marissa: I really don't want to do this V but you leave me no choice. *dematting once more, I reform with both fists clenched. Catching you off guard for a split second, I clock you in the jaw, hard enough to hurt my knuckles and turn your head but that's all the reaction I get from you.* You think you are the only one who needs to fight? Think again. But you are not going out alone. I have his daggers. I've been training. And fuck you very much. Drink.

V:

My head is thrown back from your hit, it didn't hurt much but fuck it did catch me off guard. Rubbing my chin I look straight into your eyes “Fuck you Marissa. I'm not taking you with me and that's it. Go tell Wrath cos I don't give a fuck, feel me?” I know I shouldn't be to harsh on you but I couldn't help it, I've already laid the Cop to rest I wasn't going to lay you to rest too. “I don't give a fuck if you've been training out there is a lot different than in the gym, true?” I unlock the SUV, getting in I shut the door, before you can stop me, I start the engine and drives off #ArgumentsAndSorrow

[lostshellan]

Christmas Miracle

*After things finish up in the clinic, I head back to the Pit, exhausted physically and mentally. I pour myself a glass of Lag, Butch’s favorite drink and stare off in the distance, only to be met with a calendar. A date was circled in red. Christmas Day.

Christmas wasn't something our race celebrated but with Beth and Butch in our family we celebrated. Lass even played Santa for the young. My chest tightened thinking of the past holidays. Smiles and laughter. Gifts, both thoughtful and funny. Songs sung.

None of that would be happening this year. Hell I wasn't even sure if anyone remembered. I did though. And there was one thing I could do. Midnight mass at the church Butch and I would go to.

Downing my drink, I place the glass on the table beside my bed and gently touch the frame with Butch’s picture. “Merry Christmas Nallum.”

I go and clean up, putting on a red sweater, black leggings and my boots. I scribble a note for V before stepping outside and dematting to St Mary’s. Looking up at the Gothic style cathedral, I send a silent prayer to the heavens just as the bells were ringing.

Stepping inside, I take a seat in the last pew and listen to the priest talk of the birth of their Savior and the good word. My mind wanders, taking in the carols sung and the bright decorations of the church. I don't even realize the service is over until the priest is next to me.*

“I'm glad you came tonight. He is always with you, in your heart and watching over you from heaven. If you ever need to talk, I'm always here dear child. Stay as long as you like. Merry Christmas.”

*With that he turns and leaves, leaving me to my thoughts. As he disappears behind the altar, I see Butch standing there, smiling at me. His mouth moves, a whisper of “I love you” filling my ears and then he is gone.

I don't know how long I sit there. It isn't until I feel a large hand on my shoulder that I feel dawn approaching. V is there, his icy blues eyes filled with unshed tears. “I saw him to Marissa. Let's go home.”

Following him outside, I take one last look at the cathedral before blowing a kiss to the clouds and go home.*

[lostshellan]

You Can do This

*The smell of blood and death enveloped me when I got down to the Clinic. Jane was shouting orders to Ehlena and Manny, trainees were scattered in various degrees of injury and the rest of the house was trying to help or waiting to hear of loved ones. All the commotion brought back the memories of the night that Butch died.

Panic took over. My vision started going black. My breath was shortening with each inhale. Without thought, I started backing out of the hall, only to back right into V. The smell of his cigarette was the only thing that told me it was him. His gloved hand gripped my shoulder, spinning me around to meet his icy stare. “You can do this Marissa. Breathe with me.”

He started doing exaggerated breaths in and out, all the while reassuring me. His hand never left my shoulder. It grounded me, kept me focused with the slight pressure it pushed on me. His eyes never waivered from mine, keeping me engaged and calm.

“That’s it Marissa, slow and deep, just like that. You good?” When I nodded he cracked a small smile before putting his scowl back in place. “Good, now keep your head on and go help. Supplies need to be handed out, blood is needed. You got this.”

With that he walked into the chaos and so did I. Grabbing an arm full of supplies I went where directed and did what I could. I focused on one task at a time, repeating V’s words in my head. ‘You can do this Marissa’*

[lostshellan]

Heart to Heart

*I wasn't sure how long I sat slumped on the floor crying after my attack on the practice dummy. I was so withdrawn from the outside world that I didnt hear the door open or the heavy footsteps approaching me. All I knew was my heart was shattered and the pain I felt crushed me. Only when strong arms surrounded me did I snap back to reality. The smell of Turkish smoke filled my senses and gave me a clue who was there. Vishous. We didnt really speak since the night Butch died. If we were both at First Meal or in the same room, one of us left before the other could say anything. This was the first time since that night that we made contact. I could smell blood, both vampire and lesser, along with leather and his scent. Immediately I began searching his body for injuries.

“I'm good Marissa. Its not mine.” He pulled me into his chest, his strong arms supporting my weight. The tears came faster then. Tears for Butch. Tears for myself and V. Tears for whoever’s blood was on his clothing.

“I miss him too Marissa, but he wouldn't want you living like this. In your grief. He would want you living your life, doing what you do best, helping people.”

My head snapped up at that. My ocean blues meeting his icy stare. I could see lines starting to form around his eyes, his jaw was set tighter than normal.

“I AM living my life! I am helping people! Or I will be once I get out in the field. I can't just sit back and let more of us die V. I can't sit behind a desk and pretend everything is ok when its not. Nothing will ever be ok again. Nothing.”

He brought his face to mine, his eyes bright and shining through unshed tears. In my grief, I didnt realize how much he was grieving. I lost my hellren but he lost his trahyner.

“I'm sorry V. I'm so sorry. I should have come to you sooner. You lost him too and I never asked how you were doing.”

I lowered my head, ashamed at how selfish I had been. A gloved finger lifted my chin up before pulling me into a hug.

“You don't have to be sorry Marissa. True? Yes I lost my best friend but you lost your hellren. I cope by lots of Goose and kicking lesser ass.” He smirks before continuing, “I'm sorry we couldn't save him. I should have seen it coming but my fucking bitch of a mahmen decided not to clue me in on the death of those I love. And for that I truly am sorry. I can understand if you don't want to talk or see me, but I heard you screaming when we brought JM in and I had to check on you. If you want me to go, I will. Just say the words and I will be out of your life.”

It looked as though he was holding his breath, waiting for me to kick him in the balls and run. That was further than the truth.

“V, I do not blame you at all for what happened to Butch. You can't blame yourself either. He was a warrior and went out fighting. I'm just glad I was able to say goodbye to him. As for seeing you, do not make me use a dagger on you in your sleep. I know we have been skirting around each other since he passed but I believe he would want us to be friends and help each other. As long as you are alright with that.”

It was my turn to hold my breath as I watched the emotions he tried so hard to hide play in his eyes. Guilt, anger, grief...they all flashed for the briefest of seconds before he composed himself, clearing his throat and reaching for a smoke. He lit the cigarette and stared at the burning ash before nodding.

“I think you’re right Marissa. He would want us to help each other. Anytime you want to practice or talk, just come find me.”

With that he rose to his feet, putting out his hand rolled on his shit kickers and headed back to the clinic, leaving me a bit better than he found me. Just as the door swung closed from his retreat, I felt a pressure on my shoulder and a whisper in my ear.

“Help him let me go my Sunshine. He needs you.”

I stood and went to the clinic, knowing that JM was wounded, I waited with the others to hear if he would be another victim in our war. Catching V’s eye, I gave a small smile and a nod, knowing it was going to be a long time before either of us was alright again.*

[lostshellan]

Training Therapy

*As I laced up my sneakers, I couldn't help the chill that went down my spine. Almost like a warning. I shook it off though and went out to the gym. Most of my nights were spent down here, even when there wasn't class. I went over to the treadmill to get warmed up before I began my grueling workout. Pure exhaustion was the only way I slept anymore. My body needed to be completely exhausted before my mind finally shut down. Shoving in my ear buds, I hit my playlist and jumped up on the belt. I started out at an easy jog, the base of the music helping me keep my rhythm. Once my legs were warm, I increased my speed. The sound if my Nikes slapping the belt almost drowned out Rhianna's "Umbrella". My breath was coming faster but I no longer felt winded as I once did. My stamina was improving along with my skills. I hit the button to increase the incline along with the speed just as Butch's favorite song came on. Damn! As if that wasn't enough to slow my stride. The treadmill was too fast though. I stumbled over my feet, falling flat on my face, the belt slapping my cheek a couple times before the safety switch stopped it. Tears sprung in my eyes, not from the physical pain I was in, but the pain in my heart. Sitting up, I pulled my bruised knees against my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Quietly I sang along to the song, wishing Butch was here.

"Get up my Marissa. Get up and continue to fight. I am with you"

BUTCH!! Looking around the gym, I check to see if he is here, alive somehow. Grasping hold of the heavy chain around my neck, it feels as if it is on fire in my palm. The heat so intense I swear it is burning right through my skin. I don't let go though. Right now I need to feel Butch with me.

Slowly I get up once the song is done. I grab Butch's daggers from my towel and head over to the practice dummy. There I leave out my grief, slicing at the rubber man with everything I have. The tears run down my cheeks, blurring my vision but I don't stop. My arms begin to burn, the weight of the daggers increased seven fold with every swing I take. It is only when I can't raise them do I drop to my knees and scream.*

#TrainingTherapy

[lostshellan]

That Night

*The night Butch died would be one that was would be forever engrained in my memory. I had been working at Safe Place, catching up on the piles of paperwork when my cellphone rang. It was Butch’s ring tone so I picked up, excited to hear from my Hellran in the middle of the night. My smile quickly faded as I heard V on the other end. “Marissa, you need to get back to the manse and fast. Butch...I'm so sorry. Just hurry.” Click. My heart stopped. My chest ached from holding my breath. I gathered my things and told my assistant that I was needed at home. The drive home was a blur. I'm not even sure how I made it there in one piece. I parked the car, got out and was met by V outside. His icy blue eyes were filled with pain and regret. He didn't say a word, just took my hand and lead me to the clinic. The rest of the brothers were there lined up against the wall like they always were when someone was injured. Except this time all their eyes were trained on the floor and there was a lot of coughing and clearing of throats. Damn this wasn't good. It was a this point Doc Jane came out and placed a gentle hand on my arm. “He is comfortable but there is nothing else we can do.” On spaghetti legs I walked in the room he was in and immediately my breath hitched. Machines and wires were everywhere. Blood soaked bandages covered his skin. Bruises were deep purple and cuts raw. Sure he had been in bad shape before but this… One large bandage was over his chest, soaked in blood. His heart. Dearest Scribe! I made my way to his side, trying to keep the tears at bay. I had to be strong for him. For the brothers. I took his hand in mine and smoothed back his disheveled hair from his brow. It was then he opened his eyes and smiled at me the only way he could. “Fuckers had back up tonight. Took them all down before….before the one with the gun came. I'm so sorry Marissa. I should have worn my vest like you asked me to. Promise me…”   “Oh Butch! You're going to be ok. I'm here now. All you need is to feed and you will be ok. “ I scored my wrist and held it over his lips. He drank some to pacify me, but his lips were already turning blue. It was too late. “Promise me you will keep living and find love again. I will always be with you.” In his hand he held his cross. The one he wore around his neck. Softly he placed it in my hand, kissed my knuckles and smiled once more before the machines started going off. Doc Jane and Manny came rushing in, along with V. I remember someone screaming out his name. It was only later, when my throat was raw, that I knew it was me. V wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his broad chest as his mate worked to try to save mine. It was all for naught though. The bullet had severed his main artery and it was only because of V's field medicine and his will to say goodbye to me he lasted as long as he did. Since that night, I wear his cross around my neck. I sleep in one of his tshirts, when I can sleep. I've buried myself in my work, determined to keep busy so I won't think of him. But when I return to the Pit just before dawn, I see his smiling face staring at me from a picture next to our bed. I have yet to go through his things. V has tried to help me, but he is dealing with his own grief still. This war has to end. Too many lives have been lost. Too many loved ones left behind. This is why I decided to fight. I need to kill those that have hurt me and my own. And one way or another I will take them down. *

[lostshellan]

That Night

*The night Butch died would be one that was would be forever engrained in my memory. I had been working at Safe Place, catching up on the piles of paperwork when my cellphone rang. It was Butch’s ring tone so I picked up, excited to hear from my Hellran in the middle of the night. My smile quickly faded as I heard V on the other end. “Marissa, you need to get back to the manse and fast. Butch...I'm so sorry. Just hurry.” Click. My heart stopped. My chest ached from holding my breath. I gathered my things and told my assistant that I was needed at home. The drive home was a blur. I'm not even sure how I made it there in one piece. I parked the car, got out and was met by V outside. His icy blue eyes were filled with pain and regret. He didn't say a word, just took my hand and lead me to the clinic. The rest of the brothers were there lined up against the wall like they always were when someone was injured. Except this time all their eyes were trained on the floor and there was a lot of coughing and clearing of throats. Damn this wasn't good. It was a this point Doc Jane came out and placed a gentle hand on my arm. “He is comfortable but there is nothing else we can do.” On spaghetti legs I walked in the room he was in and immediately my breath hitched. Machines and wires were everywhere. Blood soaked bandages covered his skin. Bruises were deep purple and cuts raw. Sure he had been in bad shape before but this… One large bandage was over his chest, soaked in blood. His heart. Dearest Scribe! I made my way to his side, trying to keep the tears at bay. I had to be strong for him. For the brothers. I took his hand in mine and smoothed back his disheveled hair from his brow. It was then he opened his eyes and smiled at me the only way he could. “Fuckers had back up tonight. Took them all down before….before the one with the gun came. I'm so sorry Marissa. I should have worn my vest like you asked me to. Promise me…”   “Oh Butch! You're going to be ok. I'm here now. All you need is to feed and you will be ok. “ I scored my wrist and held it over his lips. He drank some to pacify me, but his lips were already turning blue. It was too late. “Promise me you will keep living and find love again. I will always be with you.” In his hand he held his cross. The one he wore around his neck. Softly he placed it in my hand, kissed my knuckles and smiled once more before the machines started going off. Doc Jane and Manny came rushing in, along with V. I remember someone screaming out his name. It was only later, when my throat was raw, that I knew it was me. V wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his broad chest as his mate worked to try to save mine. It was all for naught though. The bullet had severed his main artery and it was only because of V's field medicine and his will to say goodbye to me he lasted as long as he did. Since that night, I wear his cross around my neck. I sleep in one of his tshirts, when I can sleep. I've buried myself in my work, determined to keep busy so I won't think of him. But when I return to the Pit just before dawn, I see his smiling face staring at me from a picture next to our bed. I have yet to go through his things. V has tried to help me, but he is dealing with his own grief still. This war has to end. Too many lives have been lost. Too many loved ones left behind. This is why I decided to fight. I need to kill those that have hurt me and my own. And one way or another I will take them down. *

[lostshellan]

That Night

*The night Butch died would be one that was would be forever engrained in my memory. I had been working at Safe Place, catching up on the piles of paperwork when my cellphone rang. It was Butch’s ring tone so I picked up, excited to hear from my Hellran in the middle of the night. My smile quickly faded as I heard V on the other end. “Marissa, you need to get back to the manse and fast. Butch...I'm so sorry. Just hurry.” Click. My heart stopped. My chest ached from holding my breath. I gathered my things and told my assistant that I was needed at home. The drive home was a blur. I'm not even sure how I made it there in one piece. I parked the car, got out and was met by V outside. His icy blue eyes were filled with pain and regret. He didn't say a word, just took my hand and lead me to the clinic. The rest of the brothers were there lined up against the wall like they always were when someone was injured. Except this time all their eyes were trained on the floor and there was a lot of coughing and clearing of throats. Damn this wasn't good. It was a this point Doc Jane came out and placed a gentle hand on my arm. “He is comfortable but there is nothing else we can do.” On spaghetti legs I walked in the room he was in and immediately my breath hitched. Machines and wires were everywhere. Blood soaked bandages covered his skin. Bruises were deep purple and cuts raw. Sure he had been in bad shape before but this… One large bandage was over his chest, soaked in blood. His heart. Dearest Scribe! I made my way to his side, trying to keep the tears at bay. I had to be strong for him. For the brothers. I took his hand in mine and smoothed back his disheveled hair from his brow. It was then he opened his eyes and smiled at me the only way he could. “Fuckers had back up tonight. Took them all down before….before the one with the gun came. I'm so sorry Marissa. I should have worn my vest like you asked me to. Promise me…”   “Oh Butch! You're going to be ok. I'm here now. All you need is to feed and you will be ok. “ I scored my wrist and held it over his lips. He drank some to pacify me, but his lips were already turning blue. It was too late. “Promise me you will keep living and find love again. I will always be with you.” In his hand he held his cross. The one he wore around his neck. Softly he placed it in my hand, kissed my knuckles and smiled once more before the machines started going off. Doc Jane and Manny came rushing in, along with V. I remember someone screaming out his name. It was only later, when my throat was raw, that I knew it was me. V wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his broad chest as his mate worked to try to save mine. It was all for naught though. The bullet had severed his main artery and it was only because of V's field medicine and his will to say goodbye to me he lasted as long as he did. Since that night, I wear his cross around my neck. I sleep in one of his tshirts, when I can sleep. I've buried myself in my work, determined to keep busy so I won't think of him. But when I return to the Pit just before dawn, I see his smiling face staring at me from a picture next to our bed. I have yet to go through his things. V has tried to help me, but he is dealing with his own grief still. This war has to end. Too many lives have been lost. Too many loved ones left behind. This is why I decided to fight. I need to kill those that have hurt me and my own. And one way or another I will take them down. *