lou's testament

but she did look back.

[loustestament]

do you ever think about all the ways you could die and then just how sweet it would be to see a nick on your tombstone? another imperfection laid to rest.

my grave will not be shallow. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

i show my teeth when i smile they say it shows confidence so i smile a little wider, bare my canines, make sure  the fear's pressed tight  underneath my tongue. they say it shows confidence they say it takes guts

smile (l.p.)

[loustestament]

let your men before me let them cower in my grace i was made to behold, a sun too splendid for a destiny like this. - you caged me in your halls tried to contain me now my heel is dipped in gold and a thousand ships have launched your cities will fall just to see me smile.

helen of troy. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

i was made too hot to touch, my skin a pattern of soot of the men who tried. my breath is heavy smoke burying cities with pumice and ash. i was crowned by hydrogen bombs, and my kingdom is the sun.

my arteries run with fire. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

as you lie there, pale and clammy and broken a stupid thought hits me - and i lean forward, and place the sweetest of kisses on your lips. - but you don’t wake up. true love can’t fix anything.

it was supposed to be you and me for ever. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

along you came all sunlight and laughter and i didn't see your dark past and your fragile bones and i was drawn into the light as if redemption was real and finally your fingerprints were as bloody as mine

i should’ve seen it coming. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

somewhere between fight or flight there’s me. and whilst my heart beats like summer downfall against the rattling windows of this home, you reach out and break the panes.

this house will fall down with me. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

i kind of thought you'd change in the years since we last met but you still take your coffee black, swing your right fist first, left eye shut as you pull the trigger remember me? i'm gone the ledger's burned and i'm sitting in the ashes - the nights are worse for me now i'm choking on kindness and you  - you hold me like i matter

my nightmares are memories and you. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

i want to die by your hands tonight i want bruises so dark you can see your own fingerprints growth rings painted black and blue; a history of life. i want them to find my body in the woods with my skin a perfect cast of the shape of your knuckles i want tonight to be the night you push it too far, too hard, and i can die knowing they'll see what you did.

i’ll lay on the autopsy table like an open book. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

he's a ghost story i tell myself at night to remind myself of the place where dreams fell like the bullet shells i picked like flowers. - he's a ghost story, but so am i.

we’re all just ghost stories. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

he was a skinny little thing his hands were small and soft (later they’d hardened with callouses from the splintered wood he worked) he was my son, first of all, he was my boy.

i did not birth him for your sins. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

we were children playing make-believe in our mother’s make-up and the cheapest pairs of heels from the store we fumbled with lighters and stolen cigarettes skipped out of school when we thought we knew everything boys whose voices just broke kissed my flat chest, hands aimless inside my underwear, and i pretended to enjoy it just to have the rumour started

you only wish age in youth. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

your hands don’t shake when thrust upon with guns but i’ve never seen someone quite like you tremble at the thought of love

if it makes it easier i’ll let you hate me. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

i remember you were small, fragile then  in the way you wore webs around your hips your red hair down your back and the snow was falling the first time you drew blood from me with spider legs you held onto me i remember the cool of your knuckles against my cheek and in the night i went to you just to see and remind myself there was still good in this world even if it wasn't us.

you could at least recognise me/i do. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

concept: you and me, madly in love as the morning comes. you, begging me not to go concept: romcom storyline unfolding as i wear sundresses and pink lipstick, and you in rolled up shirtsleeves and chinos concept: me, you and drunken confessions as minor misunderstandings become our main plot twists concept: a perfect scene, the rain pouring down and you're chasing me, catching me to kiss me in the only clean alleyway we can find in this city concept: admissions of love, a perfect white wedding, the screen fades to black, goes to one year later where you help wipe off ultrasound gel from my stomach concept: happily ever after reality: me, madly in love as the morning comes. you, already gone.

love addiction 101. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

i’m too good for you i’m kindness and sympathy love and lightness i’m soft caresses and long kisses - and you’re nothing like me. you are sharp edges and snide remarks and your lips are hard and far too loud but i love you. and i’ll gladly sully myself in blood just to have you love me back

kiss my knuckles before i swing them. (l.p.)

[loustestament]

you love me with brass knuckles and gold teeth i'm stitches and bruised ribs the snap of clavicles - kisses used to be soft now the only tender you do is a meat mallet

and the world wants our fairytale love like nothing else matters. (l.p.)