I feel like all I am right now is my anxiety.
I feel I'm a person without feelings.
I feel like I've never achieved any goals.
I feel like all I am is every thing I've done that happened to be good was only done to be used as spite.
I feel like there was no excuse to be as anxious as I was as a child and still am now. Like I had every right to be bullied and no reason to be sorry for myself because I put myself there.
I feel like I don't deserve to be loved. That soon enough the disgusting piece of trash I am will come out and show to the person or people I want to love will come out to bite them.
At the same time I wanna brag to someone that when I was little I didnt give a shit about being popular as long as the people I hung out with were nice. Then I wonder if I thought so badly about myself that I seeked out people that felt worse about themselves, just to feel better about myself. Am I that digusting.
I feel that I shouldn't be saying this. I don't have any right to feel bad about myself. I dont have any right to feel anything.
Then there's this boy. Who might like me. Shows every sign. My instincts tell me I'm right and not to brag but they are almost always right. "Why though?" I think. "Think logically. You aren't pretty. You barely talk. Why in gods almighty world would someone like you for what you consider your absolute imperfections?"
Am I making that up? Am I making him up?
Is my friend yelling at me because I'm a piece of shit and I just dont get that?
I tell my dad and she shuts me down before I can barely start.
I must be the wrong one I think. This guy that likes me must be making me think completely illogically. The world is nothing. What I've seen? What I've heard? must not have been right.
Depression is a mighty mighty evil and no matter how bad I think about myself at times, I must remind myself it's not true. It's not. It's not. It's not.
I am floating in a pool of scattered emotions.
Must force myself to fully believe what I believe to be real to be real.
But I don't know how to solidify these feelings.
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