I don’t know where I should start or if I should even start but this topic has opened up some wounds that I have tried to bury a long time ago.
These past few weeks I have been seeing it on the news, even on my feed and timeline. It took me a long time to speak or even to let myself remember. But I am tired. It is coming back all at once and I can feel it physically.
Why should I let my perpetrators be free of what they did to me when everyday I feel like I am about to suffocate just thinking about how worthless and dirty they all made me feel. It took a toll on me while it didnt even affected any of you in any way. Did any of these men even remember what they did to me? The shame, the guilt, the self-loathing, the pain.
My very first encounter happened when I was in grade school. One of the boys inside the class I was in dragged me inside a prayer room and closed it all the while locking his arms around me while rubbing himself to me. I was screaming the whole time trying to get out until some girls passed my and helped me. I knew this boy. We go to the same school every year since we were in nursery. Heck, I even treat him as my friend. We were only in 2nd grade.
The time where I was on my way home on a jeepney on a busy rush hour, everybody was just trying to get home and then a man in his 40s sat beside me. I put my bag on my lap as I always do and then out of nowhere I felt it getting heavier and when I looked I saw this old man’s hand, who’s old enough to be my father, trying to put his hand inside my skirt by holding the other side of my bag and using it to cover what he was doing. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even breathe, I felt stuck like everything was on pause except we weren’t. All I was able to do was wait. I did not know and I cannot even remember what I was waiting for but I waited and then with a shaky voice I said “para po”. My stop wasn’t even until two blocks away but I got down and walked. I didn’t cry. I just walked. I came home told only a single soul but not until years after. I was 10 then.
The time where I found out that when my then ex bf would take a video of us doing intimate things but he would later show it to his friends without my consent. I was 17.
The time where I met this guy who I thought was my friend. I met him when I was in a very dark and vulnerable place. My long term boyfriend had just cheated on me. I confided in him. He seemed to listen and understand. I trusted him. One day, he picked me up at work, said he just wanted to hang out & then he’ll drop me off. I agreed. Went to jump in to his car. We drove around for a little while and then out of nowhere he told me he knew a way how I can get a revenge. By fucking him. I was appalled. I said no. He insisted. I still said no. By this time I was scared because he was literally driving to places I wasnt familiar with. He was being pushy. I felt like I had no choice. I was tired. I just wanted to go home. I gave in. The whole time I just felt like I was just getting rammed. It was painful. It made me feel stick to my stomach. I was not in my body. I just wanted it to be over with. After that, he kept being friendly with me but I was just disgusted with myself I was quiet the entire time. He kept messaging me but I just ignored him. Took a hot long bath and cried myself to sleep. Only told my sister about ut because I was so ashamed. I felt like it was my fault because no one forced me to hop on his car. I agreed to having sex with him. I didnt know what coercion was back then. Even until now, everytime I see someone who even just look like him or built like him i freeze. I will literally shake. I was 18 then.
There are also other things that I am still not ready to disclose but right now, this is what I can give. A big fuck you to each and single one of you!
snowghoul
andulkaphoto
tangentwithtanner
izzy806
vaporwave
