Shoyalizza

understanding that there is a difference between knowing and understanding.

[love-shoyz]

I've Been Locked out of Heaven....

The Adventures of Having No Money....

I don't know whose more mentally and spiritually depressed those with money because they lose value of things, especially the things that can't be bought. Or poor people, merely because they are poor and sick of being poor.

I want to know all the things you can do without money. Because money seems to be the center of the universe right now. You can't eat, you can't be entertained, you can't travel, you can't do a lot of shit without money. SO that begs the question of what you can do without money? what opportunities are given to the poor that the poor are to blind to see because we have the glare of the riches wealth blinding us. Is it really just the way we look at things? Could there be an amazing adventure awaiting those who have NO money.....Is it possible that there is such happiness that awaits the poor and the poor don't know about it, because if they did then the poor would be happy....and we can't have happy poor people. Because if you have happy poor people, then it would indeed prove that money cannot buy happiness.

I believe this opportunity does exist. And perhaps this is the reason and the purpose behind the struggle i'm experiencing now. (cause it has nothing to do with that sale going on at forever 21 or the mental addiction of smores blizzards I have) 

Money cannot buy happiness. But money can buy a Michael Kors purse and a pair of Louboutins, which is pretty damn close...pretty damn close. 

[love-shoyz]

Look at the stars...look how they shine for you....and all the things that you do.....and they were called yellow.

Sometimes I am amazed at my own little heart. I would sit up, every night, alone. contemplating at the silence....while the rest of the world is fast asleep, I sit here. & allow myself to just be. allow my heart to feel everything at once. allow my mind to rummage through the cornucopia of senseless thoughts. allow myself to be destroyed by the overwhelmingness of it all. and yet, here I remain....as invincible as ever.

Here I am, I have given all that I could give. all that I am...to the world. in return they've taken more than I have to offer. they've walked all over the broken pieces of my heart that I leave on the floor. yet here I am, still in love....with these people. still able to see the beauty, unspeakable and undeniable beauty and humanity in these very people. here I am, giving myself, again...hopelessly hoping it would be enough... yearning to love and be loved in return. here I am, loving beyond what I thought I was capable of. 

[love-shoyz]

Sunday morning dreams....

Being in love.......it's the quintessential purpose in our lives. Even growing up, it was grasped that we, ourselves, weren't enough. That we weren't whole, we were half of a whole and it was part of fulfilling our purpose to find that other half. Wherever they may be whoever they may be.....we needed them to be complete.

It is almost an inevitable universal law...adam and eve, cinderella and the prince, the king and the queen.....its a tradition. 

Some of us, despised that concept. The idea that I, myself, was not enough...that I needed another person to complete me. I am who I am, why on earth did I need anybody else. We set out with a goal to prove that we don't need anybody else that we can accomplish anything and accomplish it on our own. We can go to work, cook dinner, keep roofs over our heads, food on the table, climb the mountains of success. Mothers play both mother a nd father roles. Fathers play both father and mother roles. We learn to love ourselves, and we find affection elsewhere....yet what seems to be the solution to our problems is the problem within itself.

Just because we can do everything on our own, doesn't mean that we should, and it doesn't mean that we are suppose too. The problem with the world is things were meant to be used and people were meant to be loved, but instead people are being used and things are being loved. Perhaps if we can grasp and accept the simple notion that we are only human, nothing more, nothing less, then we can grasp the also simple concept that other people are just as human as us. Feel our pain, cry our tears, bleed red. Perhaps our lonely hearts would stand a chance.....

We fall in love, and its like falling down the rabbits hole. Being in love is like being under a spell. Because you start to do things you wouldn't do. You start to become who you originally aren't. Being in love is like...is like a dream. And being around the object of your affection is when this spell takes affect, and for a moment...just one moment...the weight of the world is no longer on your shoulders...you feel free, you feel empowered, you feel lighter, protected and most importantly you don't feel alone....you don't feel alone, theres somebody that cares...that one somebody who cares in a world filled with people that you convinced yourself didn't give a damn. For moment things were okay, even if things were;t okay. The problem with this fantasy world is, the longer you stay here, the more you forget that it is in fact a fantasy...you want so bad for it to be real, and if you keep telling yourself it is, perhaps one day you will believe it...a day that you escaped this wretchedness we call reality. But such things aren't meant to last, and falling out of love is like slowly waking up from a sundays night dream....you're standing in the in-between, whats real and what never was, and real loneliness blows like a chilly wind across your skin. And real weight starts to sit back on your shoulders. And you really don't want to wake up....but you have too....

[love-shoyz]

An empty room, that once smelled sweetly....

It caught me off guard.  It wasn't like the normal falling I was use too, when I landed on the ground. I felt pushed, pushed hard and before I knew it I was attempting to pick myself up off the floor wondering just how I got there in the first place.

I underestimated heartache.

When I realized what was going on I was trained to react in a certain manor. A manor that didn't allow me to be sad, or cry, and be angry because all of that was a sign of weakness and that wasn't acceptable. I was just suppose to let go, as if it all meant nothing and let it kill me inside....but no, not this time. I went against what I was trained to do and decided to accept the pain it was meant to cause me. I cried and cried and cried until I was both physically and emotionally exhausted that I could produce any more tears and then I just sat there and stared into nothing and listened to the silence. Not only the silence in my room but the very uncommon silence in my head as well. I got angry and lashed out and allowed my emotions to rise above my better judgement. I tried to hold onto something that was obviously slipping from my hands. I classically tried to make someone who didn't love me, love me....

I knew this all too well, but I could never understand it. So I allowed myself to be destroyed to understand it. I allowed my heart to be shattered into pieces that couldn't begin to be put back together. I didn't shun not one emotion, if I felt it, I felt it whole heartedly whether I should have or not....allowing myself to naturally be a victim of heartache and all it was.

But the pain starts out as a shock, not being able to feel anything because you still are trying to figure out what exactly is going on. Then once it does hit you, it hits you like nothing has ever hit you before and you want to scream out into the heavens due to the excruciating pain. You can almost feel your heart being ripped out. The floor has once again fell out from under you, the moment you decided to look up and into his eyes. And you don't know who you are mad at more, him for doing this too you or you for allowing it too happen. 

It still hurts. Hurts like hell. Hurts like nothing I've ever felt before. But it's a beautiful sadness...and I remind myself during this storm of how much I love the rain. I have to remind myself in this inherent darkness about how much I adore the stars...

[love-shoyz]

Questions without Answers.

Little Kid: I read your blog.

Me: Which one?

Little Kid: The one when you were guilty.

Me: Oh really....well.

Little Kid: I don't understand.

Me: What don't you understand?

Little Kid: How you could be guilty..

Me: That depends on what you perceived me to be guilty of.

Little Kid: Apparently you felt guilty for being human.

Me: Go On....

Little Kid: I don't understand how you can be guilty of something you were obviously born to be...

Me: I don't understand it either...

[love-shoyz]

...Hold my breathe, and I'll count to ten.

Days like this. Leave me feeling empty. The voices in my head and outside of my head have screamed so loudly, demanding my attention that by the time they have stopped shouting I am left, scrambling and scouring for the words that have been left behind. I attempt to use these leftover words to put some part of myself back together.

I know what it's like to not care. Not caring, was usually a defense mechanism from when caring was beginning to hurt beyond what I believed I could handle. I am no longer in a position where I have the luxury to not care, and I sometimes do envy those individuals who retain the ability and luxury to not give a damn. But when you are living in a world where too many people don't care, somebody has too. & sometimes you have to be that somebody. 

Sometimes you are put in a position where you have to be the person to care, when everyone else doesn't. You have to be a little bit better than the best. It's not an easy task, especially in a technological world. Everything thats done now, is almost always done robotically in attempt to get them done quickly and perfectly. Man's idea in progression and evolution, and in order to make a difference or keep up in this high-paced society we, must also act robotically which logically contradicts with every and any humane thing within us; we are not robots, we are people and when we act robotically or systematically we discern ourselves from our natural humane nature, and we have done it so much to the point where we have normalized it. It's sad really, we have made it almost unacceptable to be human. So what do we do about it? accept it. We accept this knowledge and find a way to survive in this place past the point of no return.

So many people require us to be something more or nothing like who we are, and they all require it at the same time. They tell us that we don't have to be perfect, yet their actions tell us that they don't accept anything less. And as the person, who cares, we'll put on a facade and we'll put on a show, and it would be the best show you have ever seen. But we are only human, so when those curtains close we need someone who will allow us to be sad. we need someone who will allow us to be depressed. we need someone who will allow us to be angry. we need someone who will allow us to scream. we need someone who will allow is to cry. we need someone who will allow us to fall. we need someone who will allow us to be weak. we need someone, just one someone, who will allow us to be human.

Because these are human emotions, and we should be able to feel these human emotions without everyone lashing out that we're no good anymore, treating us like computers that have broken down after years of service and now being thrown away and replaced. So what if we are falling in to pieces. The one thing about humans, unlike robots, is after falling into pieces we have the ability to put those pieces back together again, BUT until then....we need someone.....someone who,

will tell us that its okay...

to not be okay. 

[tropical-moonlight]

Sagittarius-Capricorn are highly intuitive and are likely to be endowed with gifts of clairvoyance, prophecy, and are astronomically inclined. They have strong mental power and are emotionally oriented. They are masters of the art of silence and have no need for speech to get their point across....

[love-shoyz]

I screwed up.....I'm not sorry.

I screwed up. you're gonna screw up.....there is no un-denying that cause. But thats how you learn, thats how you grow. I am not perfect. I'm going to fall, I'm going to scream, I'm going to cry, I'm going to hurt some peoples feelings, I am going to fall short. There's nothing wrong with that, because thats a part of being human.

There is a problem however with making mistakes unacceptable. When you tell people that they aren't allowed to screw up in life. No, you probably didn't tell them that word for word verbatim but, when you punished them for screwing up. When you hung it over their head and never let them forget it. When you rubbed it in their face. When the punishment didn't fit the crime, you make the the natural state of making mistakes in life a sin, and unforgivable one at that.  So instead what happens, since it is inevitable that we are all going to make mistakes and fall short; when we do, instead of accepting it. Instead of embracing it. Instead of confronting it. We come up with excuses and reasons justifying why whatever we did was not, technically speaking, our faults and that it's ok. 

Unfortunately, if you don't play by those rules of todays modern society, you're outcasted. Doomed to feel a shame, and apologetic for being human. I shouldn't have to say I'm sorry for being human...THATS WHAT I AM....what are you?

I screwed up. it's nothing I'm proud of, but it's something I can't undo and if it's a bad habit, those aren't broken over-night. Yes, I am through with making up excuses and reasons, and justifications. but I am also through with being sorry. I'm not sorry...... 

[love-shoyz]

I've felt loneliness. I've been lonely. Being lonely is like being cold, constantly shivering....I have never felt alone...being alone is like, being cold with no hope of ever getting warmer..a cold thats turned into a painful numbness. I feel.....I realize just how alone I was, I am, I will be.

[love-shoyz]

I cry every time I hear this song...it's so emotional.

[love-shoyz]

its better to keep silent. because the one thing that hurts worst than loneliness is knowing they can hear you, but cannot understand....

Silence has always been a friend of mine. a faithful companion.

Whenever something went wrong, or my heart became to heavy, or my eyes filled with tears, I was always comforted by loneliness and silence. I had no one to talk to, no one to confide in. no one to understand. no one to listen. no one to comfort me. no one to run too. no one. But life doesn't stop, or pause for the sake of your grief, so I had to bury those emotions or thoughts and put them on the back shelf in order to get through the days ahead, and I kept putting them on the back shelf in the form of journals, notebooks, & blogs.

I'm not perfect, I never claimed to be but I do try....I try to be perfect, and when people ask me why? I look back to them and reply because you require me too. They stare at me with shocked expressions, stating they never asked me too be. I look at them and nod my head in agreement. No you never asked, but the moment I wasn't. The moment I slipped. The moment I failed. The moment in which I was less than perfect....you punished me for it. and you've never let me forget that moment. So in a way, yes, you have required me to be perfect because you don't allow me to be anything less. 

Life doesn't allow me to be anything less. I can't afford to make a mistake. I can't afford to be off my game for two seconds, I'm not suppose to feel tired, or sad, or angry, or aggravated and when I am, people tell me to let it go. 

They tell me to let it go as if I haven't already tried to. They tell me to let it go as if I enjoy feeling miserable. They tell me to let it go, like it's so easy to do. 

I wonder, I just wonder. You know the story of the devil? Brief summary states that he was once one of Gods best angels, until he became jealous or something that happened that caused him to fall for grace. Damned to hell and consumed with envy and rage and hatred he became the leader of all things evil. I wonder what happened before? I mean if he was once good, what happened to make him even question to not be good anymore? where was that feeling born? What made him so angry and why? 

I mean it's one thing to be in the wrong & have some reason to justify it. But i'm tired of looking for reasons, and coming up with excuses or ways to justify why we or I do wrong things. Maybe I am a bad person? did we ever stop and consider that. That there is no excuse and we're just corrupt human beings who embrace our dark sides simply because we can? 

So for anyone and everyone that I ever hurt that I ever disappointed that I ever let down that I insulted that I ever gave up on that I ever snapped on I apologize.......

I apologize for not being perfect I apologize for being merely human. 

[secretlyunbridled]

[love-shoyz]

In your eyes I see, all the love I'll ever need...what makes you different? makes you beautiful to me.

It's funny how perfection is a state that we have constantly attempted to accept to be un-attainable however, no matter how un-attainable we make perfection, it is the very thing we demand of ourselves and of each other. I think this creates a constant sense of disappointment, a crutch we create to lean on that convinces ourselves that not only are we not good enough, but we may never be.....

So we do we persist? Thats like someone telling a 300 lb individual who runs on a treadmill every single day that they are never going to shed a pound due to some random cause yet they stay on the treadmill. Why? 

I get tired of being perfect. I get tired of trying to be perfect all the fucking time....I get tired of trying to prove things to people who have proven nothing in their lifetime. I get tired of talking to walls. I get tired of listening and going through the same bullshit everyday like it's broken record. I get tired of always being so damn tired. 

I get tired of feeling guilty for being tired of feeling tired. 

I'm trying....I really am trying. I'm trying to do whats right, I'm trying to do well and do good. I'm trying to seek truth and live by it. I'm trying to be somebody you would want to be proud of. Somebody who could get into heaven, if there is such a thing. I am trying,  but.....

I am so tired.

[love-shoyz]

...but joy comes in the morning?

There's a moment. An in-between, the turning of the page. An undefined space meant to be taken in a deep breath, a deep breathe you would usually take before you begin to embark into something deep.

I think this moment comes at the break of dawn. When the stars are longer are illuminating the sky, and the sun has cast a gentle glow across the land before rising. The day is about to begin but hasn't yet truly started....you're tears have dried and your eyes are swollen and puffy but you're heart doesn't hurt, only aches with a soreness much resembling a soreness all muscles get after strenuous work. You don't want to get up, and you don't have too...you can lay there because this moment only requires you to be awake.

In the break of dawn, things may not be okay, but in this moment they aren't falling apart they're still. Still and quiet like the million voices that run through your head, voices that kept you up at night, voices that cease to speak in this moment. You are given an opportunity to indulge in an illogical, indescribable peace. 

It's still cold outside, but the birds sing anyways. This. is. joy.

[love-shoyz]

I've learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken, the world does not stop for the sake of your grief.

[love-shoyz]

self portrait drawing

[crumpledwhitesheets-deactivated]

there are lots of things I can’t change, things I have no control of, like how the rain falls the way it does, or how the wind blows. and there are also questions I have no answer to, like why my heart still beats when my soul is already dead.