falling in love is so fucking stupid. everything on earth is glowing honey-bright. i am easily charmed by small things. i am obsessed even with the shadow formed by her eyelashes. i can't get over the magic of this: that humans can feel something like this.
and yeah in the history of humanity we still can't seem to talk about it enough. because i can tell you about it - about her - and it won't surround the experience. it can never be big enough.
i am feeling something people have maybe always-felt. who knows when the first person fell in love. i am also feeling something that feels new and silly and extreme. like maybe we're the first people to really understand it, truly.
i know the science of it; why her smell is so good to me (something about our compatible genes). oxytocin and whatever hormones. and still it is incredible - i didn't think my body did this kind of thing. i thought it was an invention of romance-book marketing.
things make sense that didn't make sense before. songs about how love is an addiction or possession or insanity. orpheus had to turn around, of course he did, i would turn for her too, just to see. my mom and i watch a rerun of a murder mystery; for the first time i understand the line he did it for love - instead of being trite, it feels like a genuine tragedy.
and of course i am feeling the same way millions of people have maybe felt and know i cannot write enough about it, that it won't quite surrender to poetry. why do i think i'm gonna be the one who can finally communicate this thing that resists definition so ardently. this girl in my kitchen, humming. who walked so casually into my life. this girl pulls the rain down from even a cloudless sky.
what i can say is that i feel something impossible, and stupid. what i can say is that nothing about this is unusual, and yet i am so caught in it that i keep waiting for some terrible evil - something so good surely must come with some kind of retribution.
we get high and watch zombies 4 (it's terrible). the main characters sing a song about love; how theirs feels wild and impossible. the kind of thing i used to think was insipid, bad writing. baby that's us, she says into my ear.
that's us, she says, but with us the true love thing is actually real.
one of my professors once off-handedly told us that the moment before an animal dies it's given one single "knowing" thought. and later we brought this up again in a different discussion and asked what that was supposed to mean . so she said that, for example, if a deer lay dying in the woods, it's very last breath comes with a final, very human thought- something other than the pure instinct to survive. and the thought, she told us, is rarely anything other than, "i want my mother."
You squeeze your eyes shut before opening them again, letting out a sigh of frustration.
It's late into another sleepless night or, rather, far too early in the morning. You've lost track of time at this point.
You're no stranger to nights like these. In fact, they've become normal to you. Perhaps your usual short temper could be attributed to your lack of sleep.
Although you're usually able to sleep in five seconds flat when Mattheo is with you, it's not working tonight for some reason.
You sit up, huffing in frustration. You've long since tossed and turned your way out of Mattheo's grip.
You look down at your side, watching as Mattheo sleeps all too peacefully. The way his eyelashes kiss where his eye bags should be or whatever is so not fair. Beauty like his isn’t fair, you decide.
You gently lift your finger to his face, tracing from his eyebrows to his cheekbones. You take the rare opportunity that he isn't alert and awake to admire him, no worry of inflating his massive ego.
Mattheo lets out a sigh and your hands still and hover over his face, you relax when you realise he's still asleep.
Your heart swells as you listen to the sound of him breathing and you frown. You love him a lot, you think. You lean down and press a soft kiss on his shoulder before leaving the most featherlight of kisses on his throat.
You'd usually never be caught dead being this soft with your affection but, you're tired and, it's not like he's awake to tease you.
You lay down again with your body half on top of him, trying to settle into his arms; you hope it'll settle your mind as well.
You feel a headache coming on and you wince, you're exhausted but your body won't let you sleep. That alone makes you want to cry or yell at someone.
You sit up decidedly, looking down at him again.
You do feel guilty about waking him but he's your only hope of getting any rest.
You poke his bicep with the tip of your nails, slowly scratching down.
Your brows furrow when his eyes stay shut, you sigh and roll your eyes again.
You shove him hard.
Clearly, you don't feel that guilty waking him...
He doesn’t budge.
“What the fuck." You hiss under your breath, shoving him again.
“Mattheo, wake up!” You whisper-yell, shaking his body back and forth. He groans but his eyes still don’t open.
“You'd better be dead.” You hiss, glaring at his sleeping form. You're about to retreat and give up when you hear him chuckle.
“Careful, princess, that might end up being true and you’ll be very sad.” He mutters, still half asleep.
“You’re awake?” You say, eyes squinting.
His eyes slowly open. “Yeah, somewhere between you shaking me and wishing me death, I had time to regain consciousness.”
He grins at you and you roll your eyes. He sits up slowly to be face to face with you. You don’t meet his eye, suddenly bashful and embarrassed that you woke him up over something so silly. You're not used to needing people and you hate yourself for needing him so much — it's unlike you, you're not one to feel apologetic or even self conscious.
He wraps an arm around you, tugging you so that you're sitting up in between his legs with your back pressed against his chest.
“Why aren’t you asleep, baby, hmm?” He murmurs low in your ear, trailing his hands down your bare arms, leaving goosebumps in his wake.
Mattheo’s looking at you softly, like he was created just to sit here with you, patiently waiting for you to open up. Gone is the lopsided, lovesick, almost obnoxious grin he usually has on around you and in its place — a patient understanding.
His eyes drag over your face, as he tries to study you, and you turn your head away.
You don’t like being perceived when you’re not wearing your makeup and your jewellery and your bling. You feel bare in front of him — not put together — and you hate it.
You huff again, crossing your arms over your butter yellow tank top.
“Talk to me.” He says, with a small lilt of amusement.
Your lower lips juts out, petulantly. “I can’t sleep.”
"Tell me what you need." He murmurs against the skin of the back of your neck, he nips softly at all your sweet spots. Your eyes flutter close and you tilt your head back.
Mattheo disconnects his lips from your neck, using his finger to gently tilt your chin in his direction. Now that you're less resistant and more willing to talk, he waits for you to do so. He raises his eyebrows expectantly, ready to give you whatever it is you need, as long as you ask him for it.
"I need you." You say quietly, his mouth begins to quirk in a lazy smirk at the connotations of the sentence and very different circumstances you'd say that phrase, when he see's your eyes glaze over with tears of frustration.
"Stop it, Mattheo, I just want to sleep." Your voice sounds more like a whine as tears spill out of your eyes. "I'm so tired."
His smile drops instantly and he's instantly tightening his hands around you, doing anything to soothe you.
"You've got me, baby, I'm here." He says, using the back of his hands to wipe your tears away, shushing you.
He brushes your hair with his hands as he slowly shifts with you still in his embrace, until the both of you are lying down in his bed again.
He continues to rake his fingers through your hair.
"Close your eyes, baby." He orders gently.
“This isn’t going to work.” You say stubbornly, though your shoulders relax in his embrace. “I'm not a cat.”
“S’that so?” He murmurs, tone light. “You sure act like one.”
You’re about to bite back with a catty insult (that would most definitely prove his point), but his touch feels too good to move away from.
Before long, you feel your eyelids droop.
“You’re a bitch.” You say, with no real bite to it. You don’t mean it — and you hate that it's your fight of flight response — but you can’t stand to be so vulnerable for too long.
He chuckles, ever so kind to you.
“You’re an angel."
You almost scoff, you're really not. But he’s whispering sweet nothings in your ear and he’s brushing your hair like you are one.
The way he worships the ground you walk on and the venom you spit, you might as well be one.
Maybe you could be soft, just for him, like a real angel.
Your breathing evens out and your eyes stay closed, you slump against his chest a little more.
"Thank you, Matty." You murmur, so quiet he would've missed it had his dorm room not been so quiet.
He smiles and presses the softest of kisses to the top of your head when he's sure you're asleep.
"I love you." He whispers against your hair, before tucking his chin against your head and sleeping in tow with you.
You're really not one to sleep smiling like a loser.
But if you do that night, no one can see it but Mattheo anyway — which you can live with.
You don't mind Mattheo seeing you.
rare glimpse of her being vulnerable lol i hope you like this one <3 mattheo (& bitchy!reader honestly) are supersuper soft in this one !!! #need me a mattheo
yn being a swiftie for (almost) 7 minutes straight (ft. the marvel cast)
warnings: none
summary: exactly what the title says
pairings: marvel cast x reader (platonic), taylor swift x reader (platonic)
MASTERLIST
press tours were hard. long hours of sitting, smiling and answering the same four questions can get tiring.
so after a long day of interviews, you were looking forward to just relaxing.
of course by relaxing you meant lying in your hotel bed, mindlessly scrolling through social media.
you turned on your phone to find a text message from none other than olivia rodrigo, it was a link to a youtube video.
yn being a swiftie for (almost) 7 minutes straight (ft. the marvel cast)
you laughed and clicked on it.
the familiar wii theme song played and the words, 'yn being a swiftie for (almost) 7 minutes straight (ft. the marvel cast)' appeared on the screen.
cut
the first clip was from a panel with the whole cast, you were sitting in between tom holland and elizabeth olsen.
"hi," a girl with bright blue hair, whispered into the mic, giggling nervously, "umm, my name is kayla and my question is for yn,"
you nodded and smiled.
"go ahead kayla, love your hair by the way," you said,
kayla giggled more at the remark, smiling shyly.
“well, i saw the interview you did a couple months ago, where you shut down a sexist interviewer and you do that a lot and i was just wondering if you ever felt guilty? or unsure?”
"oh, good question,” you said, taking a quick sip of your water, “i don't really feel guilty because, honestly, if a man talks shit then I owe him nothing.”
the audience cheered, getting the reference.
the camera panned to the rest of the cast looking confused, with the exception tom (holland), elizabeth olsen and sebastian stan who had grown used to your references.
cut
the next couple of clips were from an interview you did with ELLE a couple months ago, more specifically song association.
"i’m really nervous, because i sing a song everytime i hear a word that’s in it but i’m not so great under pressure," you said, “i think my goal is to not just sing taylor swift.”
cut
the word, 'blame' appeared on the screen.
"oh, easy," you said, jokingly flipping your hair, "don’t blame me, love made me crazy, if it doesn't you ain't doing it right,"
"don’t blame me, taylor swift,"
cut
the next word was, 'king,'
"oh god, why can I only think of taylor swift lyrics," You said, "whatever, it’s fine."
"all the king's horses, all the king's men, couldn't put me together again," you sang, "the archer, again taylor swift,"
“i feel so attached to that song specifically because it came out right before i released my debut album and it came out at a time where i was worried i wouldn’t be taken seriously as an actor or a singer if i did both,” yn said, “anyway, bottom line is taylor swift gets it,”
cut
the next word was, "shirt,"
"after plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own, now you mail back my things and I walk home alone,"
"all too well, but specially the ten minute sad girl autumn version because i’ve been really obsessed with that lately,"
cut
you were sitting sandwiched between anthony and sebastian in a interview.
“also, yn, i’ve heard you’re a fan of taylor swift?”
“fan is such an understatement, she would kill us all no questions asked if taylor asked,” you swatted anthony’s arm causing the interviewer to laugh.
“do you have a favourite album?”
yn’s face lit up immediately.
sebastian and anthony groaned.
"oh no, we're going to be here for hours,"
"screw hours, we're going to be here for days,"
the video sped up as soon as yn started talking, making her voice sound like a chipmunk and after a couple of seconds, it was back to normal.
“the thing is, i’ve never really liked red as much as the other ones - i know, you should kill me - but that was until taylor’s version came out! i’ve always loved all too well but the 10 minute version is just-”
the video sped up again.
“and folklore is my everything. i would sell my soul to hear the entire thing again for the first time. there’s something about the opening beats of ‘peace’ that just- and this is me trying! don’t even get me started-”
"oh! but evermore-”
the video sped up again.
at this point, anthony and sebastian just looked so done.
“lover is just so everything though. it makes me sob and laugh at the same time i can’t explain it,”
“i can, it’s called being unhinged.” sebastian said.
you ignored him, “and i had a whole phase where i got really into origami just so i could make little paper rings - i bought so much origami paper.”
“that’s true, she handed them out on set,” sebastian said, nodding to confirm her story, “i still have mine, it’s squished a little in my wallet.”
“the kids have theirs on their shelves, it’s so cute,” anthony added.
cut
the next clip was from an interview where you played with puppies.
“i might start crying, they’re just so cute.” you gushed, playing with a small golden retriever that made it’s way towards you, “hi baby.”
‘in your opinion, who is the greatest lyricist of all time’
“i’m very lucky, i grew up with so many incredible lyricists like lana del rey and any winehouse, but to me, it will always be taylor swift because i don’t know any other artist who so perfectly captures the experience of girlhood to womanhood,” you said, looking down at the puppies on your lap,
“like, ‘you call me up again, just to break me like a promise’,” you clutched your heart dramatically, “like who writes that? who hurt her?”
“just kidding,” you said, staring down at the puppies, “i know it was jake gyllenhaal,”
cut
“what is one thing that annoys you?” the interviewer asked you,
“probably when people put artists - mostly female - into one box, for example taylor swift. everyone’s always talking about how she only writes about love and breakups when she’s written so many others. like ‘this is me trying’, ‘cowboy like me’, ‘the lucky one’, ‘this is why we can’t have nice things’, ‘the last great american dynasty’, ‘long live’ - the list goes on,”
cut
“what is your motto in life?” another interviewer asked,
“swiftie first, human second” you answered,
cut
“you’re quite close with your marvel cast, besides them, who would you say your closest friends are?”
“i’d say, music industry-wise, i’m really close with conan gray and olivia rodrigo,” you added, “especially because they really get me with the taylor obsession.”
“i’m also really good friends with gracie abrams, she opened for me on tour and i just love her so much.”
cut
it was a clip from your tiktok, a video of you, conan and olivia jumping on a bed, screaming the lyrics to ‘all too well’ (10 minute version).
“i’ll get older but your lovers stay my age!” you all yelled in somewhat unison.
the video showed a screenshot of taylor’s comment: “my children 🥺”
cut
the next clip was a video of your instagram story from when evermore was released, it was a cover of you singing champagne problems.
cut
“you actually met taylor recently at the VMA’s right?” an interviewer asked over zoom,
“yes i did,” you said excitedly, “i was just so starstruck, i may have blacked out for most of it.”
“oh i bet!” the interviewer agrees.
“she gave me her snake ring from the ‘look what you made me do’ music video from the reputation era,” you said, showing off your hand to the camera, “i will literally never take this off. i’m so serious.”
the interviewer, “and how did you react to the sudden album announcement.”
“i’m not even joking, i screamed very loud.”
cut
“what was your first favourite song?” an interviewer off screen asked you,
“i’m pretty sure it was either ‘you’re so vain’ by carly simon or ‘picture to burn’ by dr. taylor alison swift.”
“slight tangent but ‘folklore’ and ‘evermore’ may be sister albums, but ‘lover’ and ‘rep’ are definitely dating.”
end of video.
recommended:
yn yln and olivia rodrigo being best friends for 5 minutes straight
tom holland and yn yln proving true love is real for 8 minutes straight
taylor swift announces new album “midnights” at VMA’s
3, 994, 701 views ● november 23rd 2022
98.7K 👍 24K 👎
1, 065 comments
user104 omg she’s one of us
user37 she’s so cute
user12 her acknowledgment of Evermore is well appreciated
user13 her friendship with olivia!!
user48 i’m a lover x rep believer
user2 yn wearing the ring in her most recent photoshoot!! she was so serious about not taking it off
user111 imagine if yn, gracie and olivia opened for taylor swift
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