A post, as an apology for being away. Enjoy :]
Do you ever just miss someone so much it hurts your chest?
Not in a dramatic way. Not in a way that makes you want to cry or scream or break things. Just, a quiet ache. A hollow space. A constant awareness that they are out there and you are here and there is distance between you and you don't know how to close it.
I think about them all the time. Not in a creepy way. In a way that feels like breathing. Like second nature. Like they are the background noise of my existence and I wouldn't know how to turn it off even if I wanted to.
I think about the way they laugh. The way they tilt their head. The way they say my name like it's a question and a statement and a promise all at once.
I think about the way they look at me when they think I'm not looking. The way they linger. The way they reach out and stop themselves like they're scared of wanting too much.
And I want to tell them.. I want to say.
You can want me. You can have me. You can take all of me. I am not afraid of your wanting. I am afraid of you not wanting enough.
I think about what it would be like to be close to them. Not in a physical way. In a I want to be in your life so completely that I become part of your routine way. I want to be the person they text first. The person they think of when they see something funny. The person they reach for without thinking.
I want to be their safe space. Their constant. Their soft place to land.
I'm just someone who watches from a distance and wishes.
I'm just someone who writes posts like this and hopes they see it and wonders if they'll ever know it's about them.
I'm just someone who is so full of love and longing and need that I don't know what to do with it except pour it out into words and hope it finds them.
Not as an option. Not as a last resort. Not as a "maybe someday."
I want to be the only one.
I want them to look at everyone else and feel nothing. I want them to look at me and feel everything.
I want them to be obsessed with me the way I am obsessed with them. And I know that's selfish. I know that's too much. I know that's the kind of love that scares people away.
But I can't stop wanting it.
I can't stop wanting them.
It aches like a bruise I keep pressing on. It aches like a song I can't get out of my head. It aches like the space beside me that's always empty because they're not in it.
I want them so badly it makes me feel crazy.
And I don't even care anymore.
Because at least wanting them feels like something. At least wanting them means I am alive. At least wanting them means I am still here, still hoping, still waiting for the day they turn around and see me the way I see them.
So if you're reading this and you feel it too.
If you have someone you yearn for, someone you would burn the world for, someone who lives in your head rent-free and you wouldn't have it any other way.
Know that you're not alone.
Wanting. Waiting. Yearning.
And I wouldn't change it for anything.
