God Winks, Part I
Sleep chaser. That's what I've been calling myself, privately- silently. The past few months my life has boiled down to attempting to get enough, and by enough I mean minimal needed for basic survival, sleep; helping Hubs to the bathroom and then cleaning up; fixing or, many times just warming up, our meals; physical therapy stretches and basic grooming. It's felt like a burning off of what's not important to bring into focus the sacredness of a simple life. My Course in Miracles teacher, who is also a caregiver to her husband, gave me some really powerful and deep advice. She said to treat every day as if it's the First Day of this caregiving journey. The repetitiveness can be exhausting and frustrating, if I allow my mind to go down that thought path. When I think about how much Love and resolve I had in those First Days of caregiving, I find that I'm more patient, centered, graceful with Hubs and with myself. I can experience and give love as a verb. It's been my deepest work the past couple months. Accepting and embracing this simple life, noticing that emotional triggers that are coming up, feeling the feelings, doing my best to manage my stress, and loving myself and Hubs through it. All this sleep chasing brought me to search out overnight respite care for Hubs. I didn't even know that overnight respite is a thing. I toured a few places and called many others. Most memory care centers require a minimum of a month which is too long and too expensive. However, I found 1 place that has no minimum overnights, affordable, well rated and has a good vibe. I know all the other stuff is really important, but if I don't sense good vibes it's a no go. That goes for pretty much everything in my life now. Deciding to explore overnight respite brought up lots of emotions and beliefs to work through, shift and heal. What I always come back to is this: taking the absolute best care of myself is crucial especially as a 24/7 caregiver. When I realized that I haven't been able to or even willing some days to give myself that level of care, I knew I needed more outside help. My mentor encouraged me to visualize and pray for droves of people to help and support me. I've been doing that every day for weeks. They are arriving and it's lusciously wonderful. God is winking. I decided a couple weeks ago to start the admittance process for Hubs at the memory care center with overnight respite.The Executive Director wanted to fax over the application to the VA PCP, but after a few days of trying to get the VA doc's office to give her, or me, their fax number I took the matter into my own hands. I went to the memory care place, way across town, and picked up the doc's packet so I could hand deliver it at our next VA appointment. I was supposed to go on a Tuesday, but it didn't work out. So I went on Wednesday. On my way there I ended up right behind a friend of mine that I rarely get to see at a red light. I called her and she was going someplace across the street from the memory care place. She said she would come over to hug me after her errand. God Wink. I got to the memory care center and there was a lady behind the front desk who I didn't recognize (though I'd only been there once before). She was talking with a potential client's caregiver when I came in. She was explaining that the dementia day care hours were flexible. The caregiver was listening intently, and expressed concerned that what the front desk lady was saying would be honored by the actual day care workers. The lady said that SHE is the owner so she knows. ha! Boom! She was so kind and patient... really loving energy. Then she talked to me and easily found the envelope I needed. But the owne, Mrs. A started a conversation. She asked what prompted me to start bringing Hubs in, and told her about how he stopped sleeping through the night a few months ago. She went through the usual suggestions and asked if I had asked his doctor for a sleeping aid pill. I told her that I've asked, begged, cried and asked again, but the VA psychiatrist who is in charge of his meds doesn't seem to fully grasp what's happening with Hubs and won't give him anything for sleep. She said, "that's criminal". And it hit me. It IS criminal. It IS ridiculous and insane that my requests for help from Hubs' VA doctors isn't being heard. And a fresh resolve bubbled up in me. My perspective of the care that Hubs has been getting at the VA shifted. I realized that he deserves better. I think I hadn't let myself come to this realization clearly, because I didn't know there alternatives. Mrs. A could easily stand for Angel. Then Mrs. A starts telling me about this wonderful doctor who comes to the memory care center. She raves about how much he cares about patients and how he's always available. She and her husband have the doc's personal number. She assures me that this doctor would help with sleeping at night, and probably more. I wrote down the doc's name. I chatted with Mrs. A for another couple minutes and felt so much compassion from her. Another God wink. I left and met my friend outside. She hugged me and we chatted a few minutes. I felt so cared for and supported in that moment. A simple hug from friend who showed up at the precise right moment, by no mistake was love as a verb to me. It meant so much that she was willing to take a few minutes out of her day to wait by my car to hug me. I have to say, too, that I honor myself for allowing myself to be hugged, cared for and loved. Instead of not wanting to bother my friend and telling her to just go on with her day, I accepted her offer with grace. Love expanded and God winked.