Warning: Contains spoilers of Madoka Magica the Movie: Rebellion, so read at your own risk!
Note: I was really lost that whether I should post this here or not, since this is a very, very old work of mine. I wrote this about 3 years ago I think? Well I did it anyway, please enjoy this! What was I thinking when I wrote this you may ask? I always wanted to make a scenario where I can take Dazai out and see my all-time favorite series, up till now it’s still got some pretty heavy impact on me, so I whipped this up randomly, I couldn’t recall how did I manage to go this far. Again, I’m sorry if there’s any grammar mistakes, or in some case did I make Dazai seems OOC.
It's been a while since you two have a movie night, and since both of you got the day off tomorrow, Dazai decided that tonight will be movie night. He texted you to choose the movie on the way home and he'll prepare the popcorn and stuffs. It didn't take too long for you to answer, instead of popcorn, you told him to prepare some tissues and hot chocolate with marshmallows. Dazai was surprised, usually you'd be the one who ask for popcorn, but maybe you just want some change once in a while.
When you're back, everything is already set up. Dazai even place a few extra pillows around the sofa too, so you won't be sore even if you fell asleep. It's about 7pm, the perfect time to start. Yes, you two skipped dinner for movie night. You inserted the disk then went back to the sofa with Dazai.
Puella Magi Madoka Magica
"A magical girl anime? Now that's rare. Why did you choose this, (y/n)?"
"I just wanted to share some new things with you, Dazai. Is there anything wrong?"
"Nothing, let us get back to the movie, shall we?"
The first, then the second episode passed, everything seems normal, at least it was until the third episode. That part when Mami confessed that she wasn't all reliable and that she was only forcing herself to man up made you cry, even though it's the third or fourth time you seen it.
"I don't deserve anyone's admiration."
"I'm just forcing myself to man up."
Eventually, you two reached the eighth episode, where Sayaka lost herself and let the despair take her, so that she became a Witch. It took more than just a box of tissues and hot chocolate for you to calm.
"When wishing for someone's happiness, someone must be cursed in order to keep the balance."
"The balance between hope and despair remains at zero."
"That's how us Magical Girls work."
No matter how many times you seen this scene, it always manage to strike you right in the heart. You could say that you can understand the Holy Quintet's pain. To Mami, it was loneliness, to Sayaka, it was the feeling when you realized you've done everything for the man you love, but ended up didn't have the courage to tell him about how you feel, to Kyoko, it was the guilt when you did something you thought it'd be good but then fucked up. To Madoka, it was a bit lack of self-confident and sacrifice because of the wants to help everyone ends their suffering. Last, but not least, to Homura, it was the burning desire to protect the one you love, using every methods you have to, even if it was the cruelest thing you ever did.
Dazai stays silent as you two reached the next episode, when Kyoko took Madoka to fought against Oktavia, hoping they could get Sayaka back. There was that line Kyoko said, in the Witch's barrier that made Dazai remember his old days back in the Dark Era, when he was still a mafia executive.
"Only people who have been forced into a corner would do this kind of job that disregards their lives."
He, too, wasn't given a choice. Joining the Mafia was his only choice then. Mori took him under his wings and trained him to be an exact copy of him, so Dazai could one day took the position of being the Mafia Boss. He despise both that man, and himself, who would have become an another him if it wasn't for his friend's death.
Those who've been forced into a corner, huh? It's true that there are many people joined the Mafia almost being forced. For example, himself, Kyouka, Chuuya, and the Akutagawa siblings too. They do the kind of job that disregards their lives, knowing they could die any moment if their guard was left down. Well, again, if it wasn't for Odasaku's death, he wouldn't have left the Mafia and would probably be the Boss now.
"Hey Dazai? Are you alright? You have been staring into space for twenty minutes already.."
The sound of (y/n) calling for him pulled him back to the reality, where the movie was stopped and she was looking at him worried. Dazai just pat her head, saying that he's fine and reach for the remote to continue. It was getting late, but neither of you want to stop, so you wrapped the blanket around the both of you and leaned your head on his shoulder as you two continue watching Madoka.
"As long as you protect the one you want, to protect them to the very end is enough."
Why? They're just little girls, right? If that's the case why did they understand life that much as if they've been living for a really long time? Dazai didn't want to admit it, but he feels as if he is going to cry. Their words lingered in his head, reminding him of his past, those were the days that he wanted to forget for good. After Oda died, he went to Lupin almost everyday like a basis, drink until he's drop and then went back to his empty apartment, passed out on his bed before waking up middle of the night because of nightmares.
The tenth episode, which explain pretty much everything about Homura strikes both of them. That part when Homura fell into despair and began to imagine when she and Madoka became Witches, just right after when they battled Walpurgis Night.
"Hey.. How about the two of us become monsters like that, and ruin the entire world."
"Taking bad things, sad things, and wiping all of it clean."
"Destroy. Destroy. Destroy without end. Don't you think that's good too?"
She was desperate to the point that she had thought about becoming a Witch wouldn't be that bad. She can keep on destroying things, no matter it's good things, bad things, sad things, or happy things. Why did it have to become like this? They were so young and pure and filled with hope and dreams.. Just like him. At least before he tried committing suicide.
"I'll definitely save you!"
"No matter how many times I go back! I'll always protect you!"
It risen a thought in his head, he wondered that if he was gifted with time-manipulation power, would he choosen the path like Homura did to save Odasaku? No matter how many times he have to go back, and probably see him die. Would he still be able to feel anything? Or would he became numb and eventually give in to the despair? No, the real question is, will he be strong enough to choose that path. Homura may looks fragile and weak, even a bit timid, but she was the strongest one. Normal people wouldn't be themselves after seeing their important person dies right in front of their eyes without being able to do anything once, left alone times after times.
"I don't want to be a Witch."
"Although I've seen terrible and bad things, there are still many things I want to protect in this world."
Strangely, this reminds him of his deceased friend. He was always the one looking on the bright side of the problem. Why did he have to die? He was in the Mafia, yet he refused to kill anyone. But everything changes when Mimic came. Because of them, Mori thought of a way to use him like a pawn to get the license, and ended up dragging the innocents in. He couldn't forget how he looks when the owner of the diner dies along with his adopted children. If it wasn't for him that founded out about Ango, then things probably wouldn't go this way, and Oda would still be alive by now.
"Madoka. If someone came to tempt you with miracles, never be manipulated by them!"
"There's no one to rely on anymore."
"There's no need for anyone to understand."
This.. Feels so familiar. He didn't need anyone to understand the circumstances he was going through. He can't rely on anyone as well. How can he possibly tell them? Would they understand anyway? So there's no need to do such a thing. It'll only be a waste of time.
"No matter how many times, I will always choose to return. Repeating the same period of time over and over again, searching for the only exit. For you.. A path out of the destiny of despair."
Will there be a timeline, or a world out there where Oda is still alive, and was able to achieved his dream to become a writer and have his novel published? All of the sudden, he wanted to become a little girl and find that Incubator creature, so he can form a contract with him just to see his friend once again. To see him living the life he had always been wanting. A Mafia non-related life, staying in a house with his room that can see the sea clearly, even in days with bad weathers, writing novels, maybe having one or a few cats. But..
"Why does she fight and risk everything?"
"Because she's still pursuing hope."
"No matter how many times, she refuse to quit; therefore repeating this meaningless and endless cycle."
"To her, stopping is equivalent to giving up."
"As long as she believes there's still hope, she can't be saved?"
After the series ended, you two had a short break before continue with the third movie, Rebellion. You simply said that it was the best thing that ever happened in this entire series to Homura. Was that she finally reached Madoka and get to see her again? He can't know.
At the beginning, it makes Dazai wondered was this an alternative universe where they can all live happily. But things aren't that simple, when Homura's journey to find the truth begun. When she regained her memories about Witches, their barriers and her previous battle against them, even about Madoka becoming a God to save every magical girls and she, along with Tatsuya, are the only ones whose memories of Madoka remained.
Her battle with Mami reminds him of when Oda and Gide fought. No magic, no abilities, just pure skills and weapon. But in the end, Mami still have the upper hand. The way she used her ribbons to tie Homura reminds him of the third episode in the series, when she was about to go against Charlotte, Homura did offer to help her, since Mami was lack the experiences and aren't strong enough to deal with such a strong Witch. She ended up losing her head.
"Would you really be okay destroying this Mitakihara City? You should think hard on that before you decide. So you won't have any regrets."
That was what Sayaka asked her. Since she had became a Witch, she would know how it feels like when the despair swallow you whole, filled your veins and become the blood that flows inside your body. Regrets. Pain. Desperate. It feels like your body became the vessel for every single negative emotions out there.
"It really hurts me to see you suffering so much and being unable to do anything about it."
"You see, I had a really scary dream."
"In it, you had gone to a place so far away that I had no chance of seeing you again. And everyone else in the world forgot all about you. Only I could remember you in the whole wide world!"
"I was so lonely and sad. But no one could understand how I felt. Surrounded by that, I started thinking my memories of you were things I'd made up. And I began doubting myself."
It reminds him of when Oda died, almost no one remember or know who he is. To the outsiders, he's just an unknown man. To the members of the Mafia, he's just a low-level member that they don't need to care about. But to him, and maybe Ango too, he was a friend. An important friend who enlightened their paths and their souls. He was luckier, that he didn't doubt himself, because there was something that proves Oda really exist is always with him. The photo they took together for the last time in Lupin, just a day before the storm.
"But you see, I became a magical girl solely to save Madoka. And that holds truth until now."
"So this is a Witch. My emotions have all come back to haunt me."
"I can't remember anything but glimmers of light and regret."
"Ah.. So this is my despair."
He cried. Dazai cried for the first time watching it. He didn't notice tears were rolling down his cheeks until you pulled him in your arms, holding him tight, pecking his forehead and caress his cheeks in the gentlest way possible. You said that it's okay to cry and let it out like this. You wanted to show him this because Homura reminds you of him in many ways. He needn't to ask for the reason, since he had witnessed it already.
"Despite her appearance, she's the most hurt."
You told Dazai that, the first time you saw him, you didn't think he'd be broken this badly. The truth that everyone thinks that way. He seems to be a happy-go-lucky guy and knows how to irritated serious people, lazy and likes to play around. But inside, he suffered from many things. Ghosts of the past that reminds him of the days in the Mafia, his shadow which guilt-trip him over every single small things happened, his anxiety that caused him to fear for failure therefore he has to think of every single possible that can or may happen to deal with them. Yet people think he is the genius, back when he was in the Mafia, he was called "The Demon Prodigy" because all of his plans worked. But they know nothing about him and what he is suffering from.
"I have to die in this world."
Yes. He has to die. That's what he has been thinking ever since a long, long time before. He had countless suicide attempts, yet none of them succeed. They all failed. Why is that he can't die? Why is that the world is trying to prevent him from dying to atone for his sins?
"I had a sickening dream. A dream where you were dead."
"Because I actually do have one regret. The fact that I left you behind."
He cried again, did Odasaku has any regrets when he died? If he had, then what would it be? You turned to him, whispering that he wouldn't want you to die and his regrets probably was that he left him behind all alone back then.
"That's no good, Homura."
"I told you that you shouldn't go off by yourself."
"No matter what happens, you'll always be you, Homura. And I would never abandon you. So don't give up."
"I'm sorry.. I'm so spineless.. I wanted to see you one more time.. And if I had to go so far as to betray that wish.."
"That's right, I knew I could shoulder any sin. No matter what I became, I knew I'd be fine with it. As long as I could have you by my side."
This.. He only wanted to see his friend again.. But it's impossible. He almost screamed due to his emotional burst out.
"Why did such a good person have to die? Why didn't I the one who dies instead?"
You simply pat his head, pulling him closer and embraced him tightly.
"It's alright. I'll always be here for you. No matter what happens, you'll always be you, and I would never abandon you or stop loving you. I love you, Dazai. So please, don't let the ghosts from the past get to you.. No. I won't let them get to you. I swear that I, (y/n) will bring you happiness with my own hands! Even if I have to turn myself into a mere concept, I will still take all those despair from you, I will be your only God that brings happiness."
He was stunned. There hasn't been a single person who has said something like that to him. He was touched. Even though you two have been dating for quite a while already but he had never heard such a bold decision from you. Immediately, Dazai pulled you into a tight hug, his face buried in your neck.
"Thank you, (y/n).. I couldn't imagine how I'd become or what I'd become if you didn't come into my life. You don't have to go that far just to make me happy, all you have to do is stay by my side, that's more than enough already."
You kissed him before getting back on the ending of Rebellion. You knew what was coming, and you're sure Dazai would be surprise by it.
"It was not even curse that soiled my Soul Gem."
"It's the pinnacle of all human emotions. More passionate than hope, far deeper than despair. It's love."
"She was as sacred as a god, and I couldn't help but pull her from heaven and undermine her."
"A being that perform such threat could only be called a demon, I suppose?"
He smirked, paused the movie before turned to you, who was dumbfounded of what just happened.
"(Y/n), did you just say that you'll be my God?"
"Yes..? What's wrong with that, Dazai?"
"Oh, there is. Because I'm a demon that couldn't help but pull you down from heaven and make you mine, forever."
