agender with agenda

I've always been an open book, why not make my diary one.

[lovinglyricsdiaryigb]

You're different when we lie together and have sex.

You seem happier.

Warmer

It feels like sometimes like we lean into the grey more and more. The first time was just physical.

Recently though. It feels different. At least to me.

Maybe im feeling what isnt there or im just trying to do this to survive.

"Trying to be careful with the words I use

I say it cause I'm dying to

I'm so much more than just a friend to you"

[lovinglyricsdiaryigb]

When you say I have things to work on before I move forward, I take that to heart but I also feel it sets me back a step.

Im critical of myself. And critical of you since you asked me to be.

Im trying to ask more questions and less.

Im trying to keep feelings away.

This current life, I want to share with you. And I cant shake the feeling that in another life we've done the same thing over and over again with the same outcome.

I just want to know if we are going to mess up this life aswell.

I just want to know if I'm feeling the same way I did before and if you are too.

I just want to know how far we can take this. And if this is a leap of faith for you too.

[lovinglyricsdiaryigb]

If I have the virus

I could be killing my best friend/ lover/ partner??

I could be killing my husband

I could kill my roommate

I could kill myself.

[lovinglyricsdiaryigb]

I don't like being told "I dont want you to do this but I can't stop what you want to do"

When you tell me this and close the door in my face I feel like I don't have a place to talk anymore.

It feels silencing.

I used to love the way my voice sounded and now, when I speak with you and try to rekindle something I don't even know we lost I feel like my voice falls flat.

I feel flat.

I feel.

I feel I dont have agency with my body outside of it being used to worry you.

[lovinglyricsdiaryigb]

Jimmy

To the tender is to be careful. After a year I've made myself alone again. And I'm scared I wasn't made for love. One so kind and one so sweet showed me what it meant to be considered. And ever since meeting him I'm scared I'll always become the product of statistics. I promised you I wouldn't be what you wrote for me but I've always been behind while you walked ahead of me.

[lovinglyricsdiaryigb]

I realize part of growing up is letting go of childish thoughts and fear. But I low-key wish I didn't have to plan my own birthday with a nice breakfast and coffee for myself. I'm kinda ranting and I'm sorry about that. But I've always felt misplaced, or left aside. I want someone to consider me more than what I consider myself