* * * GLOOM BOY !

why , what's the matter , that you have such a february face , so full of frost  , of storm , and cloudiness  ? (   LEE TAEHYUN   !   )

[dowonist-blog]

[xkhoreiax]

                                                                        Taehyun & Nari

“i would stay awake every single night of my entire life to make sure that bird inside your chest is still beating its wings.” [ @empathets ]

[dearbangtansonyeondan]

koala jimin ♡ 

[parkjaewonn]

@empathets

[lth-archived]

@dowonist​ !

                 UNDERSTANDING  HIS  OWN  FEELINGS  has never been his forte , mostly because taehyun rarely gives himself enough time in a day to think on them. things with dowon have to be different , of course , if he’s to give him a solid answer that he’s certain is the right step to take. taehyun’s found himself distracted by the thought of him during all times of the day , sometimes needing things to be repeated to him twice before he’s back in the present. the only thing on his mind is dowon’s offer , one that he never thought he’d receive from him. sometimes he reaches for his phone and almost calls , but there’s always a sense of hesitation that overtakes him and leaves him staring at the screen until it shuts off on its own. by the fourth attempt , it’s been a week since he saw dowon. he misses him , misses his face and the sound of his voice. somehow , he’s already addicted to his presence again , no matter how much seeing him again has made him ache. if being around dowon again is an option that’ll make this empty feeling of longing for him go away , then maybe it’s worth the risk that being friends with someone he’s still in love with will inevitably come with. like most of his decisions , this one is being made at two a.m. , when he’s most vulnerable and happens to miss dowon the most as of late. his thumb lingers over the green button before him for a few seconds before he presses it , phone held to his ear in nervous anticipation. 

[lth-archived]

dowonist·:

this isn’t horrible. this doesn’t leave dowon with the feeling of things unfinished. there isn’t a closure on anything, not really. but it does stop dowon from feeling like the complete failure he did before. it hurts, oh it hurts, but taehyun hasn’t just left him standing there. his venting hasn’t kicked in so he isn’t overheating, and his crying has practically stopped now. only the occasional tear leaks down his cheek, but these aren’t heartbreak tears now. it’s relief. it might not be a promise for something to go right between them, but it’s a promise for the chance  of it. and dowon will do just about anything for a chance. his arms ache to hold taehyun, to hug him goodbye, but that’s stepping over the line. he’s done enough for the day. between flip flopping back and forth with feelings to hurting taehyun, then giving him hope. it’s enough. so dowon just smiles a little more for taehyun and nods his head slowly. “yeah…” he starts softly, “anything’s fine… i’ll take anything.” he sounds desperate, and it’s because he is. he rubs at his arm. “my number hasn’t changed… so you— you can call, or text. either’s fine. whatever is comfortable for you…” looking on the situation, someone would probably think dowon’s giving taehyun too much power — but dowon stripped taehyun of all power two years ago. he’s giving it all back, setting his heart down on the table while taehyun has the hammer in his hand. there’s two choices — set the hammer down, or smash the ticking heart. and it’s up to taehyun to decide which to do.

                IT  WAS  ALWAYS  DIFFICULT  for taehyun to keep himself from touching dowon in one way or another. even if it was something as small as running his hands over his back or grazing his knee against his while they sat together , he couldn’t stay away from him. even now , after all of this time , he finds himself aching to hold him like he always did if they were together at this time of night. it’s hard to know that he’s been the source of all of his distress tonight , and even once it’s all over , he can’t comfort him and tell him that things will be okay.  taehyun has always been one to protect the people he loves , and not being able to do so with dowon is a new sort of pain that he’s not handling very well. he blinks a few times as dowon is talking , trying his best to focus on his words and nothing else for a moment. he sounds so sweet and reassuring that it only makes everything harder , but what else could he have expected from someone like dowon ? he was always so good at making taehyun feel better when they had some sort of falling out , but that same tactic being employed here only makes taehyun miss him even more. he nods a few times , watching dowon rub at his arm before looking up at him. “ okay , yeah. i’ll let you know. ” he still has dowon’s number saved on one of his old phones , one that he held onto for that exact reason. he didn’t think he’d ever end up needing his number again , but he could never bring himself to get rid of it either. after a brief pause , taehyun exhales audibly , swallowing hard as he takes two steps back. “ i’ll , um . . . let you get some rest now. goodnight , dowon. ” his voice is soft and somewhat exhausted , but he manages a small smile , his lips barely pulled upwards but still genuine in their cause.

[dowonist-blog]

picnic | past

[lth-archived]

dowonist‌:

dowon holds no shame whatsoever in his outburst at the customer who had crawled all over taehyun’s ass like a fucking leech. if he can help it, no one speaks to taehyun that way. it’s sad he can’t be there with him to help him all the time, but even if he were, would taehyun allow it? he knows he has to be careful so taehyun doesn’t lose his job. given what he knows, it’s hard for taehyun to keep a job. even with his annoyance at how he’s treated, dowon has to be careful; more careful. it’s quickly laid to rest for now, pleased with having taehyun all to himself now. “you’re  cute,” dowon replies with ease, squeezing taehyun’s hand gently as they walk along the sidewalk. he doesn’t move for passersby, they move for them. it’s good. “and yes, i had to. i wanted to take you on a date.” dowon gives taehyun a playfully wounded look that’s more pout than offended. at the question, dowon smiles again, eyes almost sparkling with how much he wants to hold off on telling taehyun just to tease him. but he’s a weak man to his sweet boyfriend. he guides him further on, the park sign in sight now. “it’s for a picnic,” he finally reveals, tilting his head a little to look at taehyun while also paying attention to where they’re walking. “i cooked for us to eat here… and watch the sun set together.” all those internet ideas on romantic dates had to come in handy someday.

                 AT  HIS  REMARK, the boy rolls his eyes, attempting and miserably failing at holding back a smile that falls somewhere between timid and amused. he tugs at dowon’s hand a bit, serving as a slap on the wrist for making him react in the way that he did. no matter how much time has passed since they first met, taehyun still responds to his compliments the same way he did the first time he heard them. it’s hard not to , considering how much dowon has come to mean to him. he’s about to respond with something equally as sweet , but what comes next doesn’t make his heart flutter any less and he’s at a loss for words for a moment. the doe-eyed look that’s become somewhat of a signature for him immediately takes over his features before he sighs contently , lips forming a prominent pout. “ really ? ” he asks , realizing about how much thought dowon must have put into all of this without an incentive. he leans in and kisses him on his cheek, hovering near the side of his face. “ thank you. that sounds like heaven. ” with that , he moves away slightly , though he’s still close enough to him that their shoulders brush up against each other while they’re walking. “ i love your cooking almost as much as i love you , ” he adds with a small chuckle. “ and sunsets are pretty high up there , too. seriously , i don’t know how i’m going to keep myself from going gross pda mode in the middle of the park . . . i might die. ” 

[lth-archived]

he’s  chained  forever  /   to  a  world  that’s  departed .

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

I understood the true fate of Orpheus, that love is a constant terror of loss.

Kazimierz Wierzyński, tr. by Czeslaw Milosz, “A Word of Orphists,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

[outofcontextarthur]

[jjiminssi]

[lth-archived]

taejcngyang·:

Tae couldn’t help but laugh at the little character break, and rolled his eyes. “How could you ever think that I would lie to you?” he asked. Tae didn’t think twice to answer. A smile still on his face. “I trust you with my whole life. Hence why I’m quite distraught you think I’d lie to a face such as yours.” His smile widened to a grin. Unable to try and be serious even if it was for a joke. Tae can clearly see the wheels ticking away in Taehyun’s head as he tried to understand and his thumb brushed along his pout. Tae pouted in retaliation. A faint smile came back to his face and he nodded. “Pinky promise.” He said and he linked their pinkies, curling his around Taehyun’s rolling his eyes.  “Like I do with you. You could never annoy me in any way.” He explained. “Enough about my stupidity. Why don’t we get you relaxed? Your hands are still freezing.” 

               TAEHYUN  SHRUGS , playing up his innocence. “ fine , i’ll let you win this time , but only because it hurts my feelings when you roll your eyes at me like that ,” he remarks in a teasing tone. he shakes his head at the pout he receives in return , holding onto his pinky with his own and swaying it back and forth before finally letting go. “ who knows , maybe i will one day and you’ll want to fight me too. ” his tone is lighthearted , making light of the situation now that taeyang’s agreed to not let it happen again. “ i’m already pretty relaxed , but i guess more wouldn’t hurt. ” with that , taehyun moves closer towards him , the right side of his body pressed against his , head titled in his direction. “ i know , i didn’t wear enough layers because i wasn’t expecting to walk all the way here. the things i do for you , taeyang. the least you can do is hold them while they warm up , ” he suggests , holding out his right hand first.

[lth-archived]

d-narcissus‌:

Arc felt a shiver run through him, and if he had been human, goosebumps would have risen against his skin, under Taehyun’s touch and the deepening of the kiss. He continued kissing him slowly, fingertips reaching out, fingers gripping the hem of his shirt. Naturally, he wanted more, but he kept himself at bay, from moving too quickly. As the kisses continued, Arc finally parted. He pulled away, but not for long. He shifted, moving to slip into his lap, knees on either side of him as he straddled him. Then, he connected their lips again, this time, deeper, still slow, but wanting more than before. Instead of his fingers gripping at the hem of his shirt, his fingers gripped at his hair, tangling gently into the locks. He wasn’t concerned that this was what he was suppose to be doing, but for free. All he was concerned about was how right it felt, and how much more he wanted. 

                  ALTHOUGH  HIS  MIND  IS  usually bustling with multiple thoughts at once , he feels oddly at peace with the moment , savoring the way the droid’s lips feel against his.  in the moment , it’s easy for him to forget about all of his other worries and concerns. when he pulls away , taehyun exhales deeply ,  catching his breath in between the small break. taehyun moves back slightly when he climbs on top of him , allowing him more room on his lap before he presses his lips against his again. one of his hands moves to cup his cheek while the other is set at the back of his neck , hastily pulling him in closer towards him. after another few moments of kissing him , taehyun drags his lips down the boy’s skin until he reaches the crook of his neck , hungrily pressing kisses onto every inch of it.

[lth-archived]

parkjaewonn·:

                jaewon glances at his friend and he smiles at him and nods. “ i guess it is something that happens. i think at the time i just thought it was stupid … hence why i didn’t talk much about it. “ he says,, though that’s not an excuse he trusted taehyun a lot and he knew he should’ve talked to someone about it. then again feeling like a burden wasn’t something he wanted to do either. “ yeah… we’re pretty bad at communicating. “ he says and smiles at him again,, noticing the attempt at lightening the mood and jaewon goes with. “ uh yeah,, i didn’t either. i don’t usually have will power but i didn’t want to be annoying. “ he says and he tilts his head a little to the side while they’re walking. he nods slowly. “ still. sometimes things aren’t easier the second time around,, sometimes they’re harder. “ he shrugs at the thought not wanting to make taehyun feel worse than he clearly does and he nods looks to his feet and kicks at the ground until they finally reach the pizza place. he takes hold of the handle and opens the door to allow taehyun to go in first. “ you’re welcome. i wish there was too,, because i would in a heartbeat. “ that was without a word of a lie he’d always want to help if he could. “ do you … have any idea how you feel ? about the situation ? or about dowon ? “ he asks. 

               TAEHYUN  SHAKES  HIS  HEAD , taking a moment to think over what jaewon said. “ i guess that’s what happens with arguments sometimes ——  you don’t really realize they’re not worth it until it’s too late. ” he understand why jaewon didn’t want to bring it up to him , especially if the conflict really was as small as he’s made it out to be. even if he wishes he could have been there for him , he hopes that next time things can be different , should something like this happen again. “ i doubt your boyfriend could find someone like you annoying , ” taehyun replies genuinely , smiling over at him. when jaewon mentions that things can be harder the second time around , he blinks slowly , lips parted for a brief moment before he gives himself a chance to speak. things can be , but taehyun’s been avoiding the possibility entirely. “ sometimes , yeah. i’m hoping it won’t be , for my sake. it’s been so long that it feels kind of shitty to not be over it by now. ” even though the topic is serious , taehyun still smiles softly , appreciating jaewon’s comforting words. after walking in the building , he finds them a table near the back corner , away from most of the other customers. once they’re sitting , taehyun finally answers the question. “ honestly ? i don’t know. he offered to be friends , but . . . i just feel like that would complicate things even more. doesn’t everyone say it’s a terrible idea to be friends with your ex ? ” he muses , aware of the fact that he’s rambling , but it’s something he can’t control when he’s trying to get his thoughts in order.

[revenaant]

night hotel

[lth-archived]

revenaant·:

for the longest time, kaoru’s known that he’s hard to handle. even as a kid he was, his parents would tell him that every morning as they got him up to go to his schedules. when they got dowon, he was happier because dowon always woke him with a smile and kiss to the forehead. but now, he likes being difficult, he wants people to be uncomfortable around him. all the better when they’re being crude or ugly to droids — kaoru wants them to think twice about doing it again. tonight, however, kaoru’s just simply being like this because he can be. “i know i’m fine,” kaoru chuckles before bringing the cigarette back to his lips and taking a long draw from it. why he feels the need to bother a lowly worker at a sex hotel is anyone’s guess really, kaoru has other people he can go and annoy — like the bartenders at rapture. but this kid seems rather fun to fuck with, so of course kaoru’s going to take time to make him as uncomfortable as possible. “damn… people actually using people  for a change… i might have to come here more often to give them my thanks… maybe next time i won’t trash a room.” he smirks, blowing smoke up into the night air. “so anyway… you seem familiar. guess you’ve worked here a while? no getting a better job? not interested in moving up, or,” kaoru grins a little, “you just can’t  move up?”

                        TAEHYUN  HAS  A  GOOD  AMOUNT  of patience for people , patience he had to develop given what he puts up with both at home and at his jobs. even if he had an unlimited source of patience , though , he wouldn’t be able to remain impartial to people like the boy in front of him. he can be professional with them , even kind if he has to be , but sometimes people’s faults overshadow everything else about them , leaving taehyun with a bad taste in his mouth. this is one of those instances , without a doubt , except he’s not getting paid to put up with it and he’s also not a loved one , which makes it all that much worse. before he realizes , an  “ um . . . okay , ” slips out his mouth , perplexity difficult to hide. taehyun spends the next few seconds wondering if this could be a joke , or if he’s genuinely this way with strangers all of the time. either way , he’s an ass , but taehyun doesn’t take most of what he says to heart. “ that’d be cool , ” he replies at the mention of not trashing his room , figuring that he has to be one of the people who cause him to spend an extra ten minutes trying to tidy up a room. he seems like the type , at least. for the sake of not seeming too displeased with the other’s presence , he decides to answer his questions honestly. “ once people come here often enough they tend to recognize the staff . . . sometimes we recognize them too , ” he responds with a shrug , attempting to keep his tone neutral. “ it’s been a few months , but no moving up. some jobs don’t work like that. ”

[bl00miing-deactivated20210506]

delivery.

[lth-archived]

bl00miing‌:

“there’s no need to worry about me being impatient. my owner warned me that i might be waiting a while.” jiho responds kindly to the other male. it’s the best way he can possibly phrase what yongchul actually told him– that, of course, being that jinyoung is an avoidant little rat who purposely holds off on arriving to tend to his affairs as long as possible without drawing too much attention from his workers. he’s estimated, given yongchul’s previous mentionings of these errands prior to his repairs, that he’ll be waiting *at least a couple of hours. his task list for the day is clear until tonight when dinner preparations are in order so it doesn’t matter – he has time.

the droid settles a bit more on the seat with the assurance that his presence won’t be bothering anyone, quiet as he observes his surroundings and takes them in, before the other speaks up again. he starts to shake his head only to nod instead, the smallest grin appearing on his lips. “of the utmost privacy, according to my owner,” he answers, pausing briefly to add with a slightly bigger grin, “but then again he also claims that about his handwritten chess moves to his friends. so i suppose we may never know.”

                 TAEHYUN  DOESN’T  KNOW  much about the hotel’s operations , but he’s managed to pick up on certain details here and there. he’s kept most of his observations to himself , though , mostly for the security of position. there’s a certain sense of desperation that a kid like him has to have to put up with what he does , so whatever it is that goes on behind the scenes is the least of his concerns. when the other mentions that he’s fine with waiting , taehyun nods. he doesn’t know very much about what the other’s schedule might be like , so he figures this has to be the only thing on his plate for the moment. “ right. well , i guess you’re stuck with me until then. i’ll try not to bother you too much. ” taehyun’s never been one to mind company , so while he could move somewhere else and savor his break by spending it alone , he doesn’t. it’d be rude of him to leave the droid on his own , anyway.  instead , he chuckles at his response , looking over to him with a smile. “ almost sounds as secretive as my boss . . . chess moves aside , of course. that kind of stuff is a little difficult , ” he comments , keeping his tone light , but it’s easy to tell that there’s some degree of seriousness to his words. 

[jiminrolls]

[lth-archived]

taejcngyang·:

Tae rolled his eyes. Again. Although Tae had never been one for being a people person as the only one he’d ever wanted to impress was his father. Taehyun however was on a different scale. “You gotta learn to trust what I say, I find it offensive that you don’t.” There was still a hint of a smile on his own lips. He enjoyed his company. His hands still remained on Taehyun’s face. Thumbs stroked over his cheeks and one swiped under his plump lip. He sighed. “Annoyed at Jaewon. Yeah. It’s a regular occurrence, I can’t explain it.” Tae shrugged. It wasn’t like he couldn’t actually explain it, he could. He just didn’t want to. Nor did he see the point because in reality and deep down it was pathetic. A story for another time. His eyes flickered shut at the contact of Taehyun’s  rub over the bruise and he nodded and opened his eyes back up to look back him. “I Pinkie Promise, Taehyun. It won’t happen again.” 

          TAEHYUN  CAN’T  HELP  BUT  break character and laugh a bit , and he takes an extra moment to think taeyang’s response over. “ i’ll trust you once you start telling the truth , ” taehyun counters , eyebrows raised and head tilted to the side. “ i mean , how much do you trust me ? ” he only asks out of playfulness , not really expecting a genuine answer. he’s still trying to understand the circumstances between taeyang and jaewon as he takes in taeyang’s touch on his lips , pouting slightly. it doesn’t seem like something that taeyang wants to get into , and taehyun trusts that it won’t happen again. he exhales sharply before nodding and holding his pinky out. “ pinky promise , then. next time just try and talk things over , yeah ? like you do with me. ” he says the last part teasingly , knowing fully well that they’ve never had any sort of conflicts with one another , at least not so far , and he hopes it’ll stay that way.