in the dark ;

( - never forget the brightest moments and you'll never get lost in the dark )

[lucaservine]

jackfuckingmonday‌:

Location: Fox Tower parking lot

Date: March 17

Time: After game

Jack hadn’t made up their mind. Fox Tower was just steps away and their bed was in there, which certainly called to them after the game. The smart thing would probably be to head up and down enough NyQuil to stop thinking about the loss, but the buildings on campus felt practically claustrophobic even out here. The more tempting thing to do would be to get in their truck and drive out into the country, somewhere the sky wasn’t drowned out by orange streetlights.

For now, though, they sat on the tailgate of their truck. Most people had filed back in from the game or were out at the various parties, so there wasn’t all that much foot traffic to be watching. Probably for the better though, at least until they spotted a familiar face in the crowd.

“Got a cigarette?” they called out, trying their best to look like they were neither pathetic nor stalling. “There’s– uh– nothing in it for you but good karma, sorry.”

Lucas is humming softly as he left the stadium. The Foxes didn’t win--a tragedy in his eyes--but he was proud of himself for his cheering during the game. That was something he could at least take as a win and give him some bit of happiness for the night. Now the bigger question is whether or not he could find something to do with the rest of the night. Going back to the Den would likely be his best option. Someone was bound to be around and he’s sure he could find something to do if not.

He’s got two games sitting on his computer that he needs to finish....

“Huh?” Lucas is pulled out of his thought by Jack and offered them a shake of his head once he processed the question. “Sorry, I don’t. Smoking isn’t really my thing,” he said with a shrug and a genuine sad smile. Maybe he should carry some around for other people, then he could just give them to people in situations like these. “Tried it a few times and pretty sure my chest thought it was freaking out.”

[lucaservine]

secretpatchword‌:

Patch liked to tease Lucas. He’d never do anything about it; Raph was a bro to him, and even though the two of them are taking it nice and slow, Patch wasn’t a complete and total asshole, despite the evidence. He gave the other a salute and popped off of the seat, trotting towards the door. “Wear those shorts I like so much darling!” he sang before the door shut. 

Even though Patch knew he needed to work on chants, he found himself bending down into a stretch. The gentle burn helped work off some of the anxiety still bubbling under his skin. Working his body was something he did as often as possible, just to get rid of this constant building sense of fear.

Lucas was red in the face--undeniable if anyone came into the room but Lucas was easily flustered as it was. But it still brought a laugh out of him and he headed up the stairs. It didn’t take him a long time to get himself switched over, donning on his leg in case they did anything acrobatic. He’d need a new liner soon enough. Changed out of his morning outfit and back downstairs, Lucas found Patch and joined in on working out some tension and getting him limber with stretches.

“Have you been working on your cheering?” Lucas asked as he stretched his legs out to either side and leaned over, arms outstretched to reach as far as he could. “Most of our cheers are written down so you can always go over them again and again whenever you have free time, sorta try out different things.” Leaning back up, Lucas moved to stretched to his right foot. 

[lucaservine]

sashahartashby‌:

Location: Outside on campus Date: March 15 Time: Post-Game (open)

After their back to back wins, the mood is understandably somber tonight, but Sasha didn’t want to spend her night moping with the others. They’re still in Championships, and Sasha had a great time playing striker, while also getting a good hit in without getting kicked off the court. That’s how she finds herself in some house party she’s pretty sure belongs to a group of football players. It’s a little too frat boy for her, with keg stands and beer pong, but has a few shots and finds a way to enjoy herself.

But eventually, it’s stops being fun, and just hot, sticky, and sweaty, so she waves off the random person she was talking to and escapes out the front door. She shivers when the cold air hits her cheeks and zips up her leather jacket before pulling out a cigarette, lighting it as she heads down the driveway. 

All she hears as she starts her walk back to the Tower is the muffled music and her heels clicking against the pavement, and it’s weirdly peaceful. Each drag from her cigarette only further relaxes her, and the few shots leave her pleasantly buzzed. She doesn’t get too far when she spots a familiar figuring walking in the direction she just left. “If you’re heading for the party, I’d turn around. It’s a bust,” She advises as she flicks ash from her cigarette. 

The night is bittersweet for Lucas. The Foxes might have lost but the points were what mattered and Lucas believed each Fox played their best that night. It would only get harder as time went on and each game Lucas would cheer louder and louder for every one of them. But the game is now over and Lucas finds himself alone. He hates being alone. Especially as of late.

His only option seemed to be going to a party, prowling the houses along campus that held all the college students for the opportunity to find one that might be throwing a good party. It seemed as if luck would not be on his side considering Sasha met up with him and he stopped in his tracks with a deep sigh. “Another bust?” Lucas ran a hand through his hair. “I’ve stopped by two others with the same result. Does no one throw a good party anymore?”

In reality, if it wasn’t the Vixens was it really a party? Besides, Lucas would only be able to stay at the parties for so long before there was the uncomfortable feeling of being surrounded by so many people he didn’t know. And people who might not want him around.

“Know of any other good parties that might be going on around this time?”

[lucaservine]

secretpatchword‌:

Patch threw his head back and laughed a little bit, before letting his eyes purposefully linger on Lucas to tease. “You’ve got me there,” he said with a grin, before he wrinkled his nose a little bit. He was still trying to avoid figuring out what he was going to do, so he settled for saying, “Nothing outside, probably,” he said, almost sour as he said it, before he beamed at Lucas.

“A distraction?” He purred with a wink, catching his tongue between his teeth in a smile. “Well, I’d have to say you’ve come to the right person,” he continued, before he folded his hand under his chin and fluttered his eyelashes at Lucas. 

“Gonna teach me a little more on what a good cheerleader does?” he asked.

Lucas flushed and busied himself with grabbing one of the apples from the fruit basket on the counter. All the cuties were gone; a travesty. “I thought you’d probably be the best person to go to,” he said with a soft chuckle before he turned back around more composed. “Do you want to learn some more?” That was something that Lucas could easily do without too much of a worry about everything else.

“The backyard has the tall fence so we wouldn’t really have to worry about any prying eyes out there.” At least... most of them. Lucas wouldn’t put it past someone to try to look over the fence. It wasn’t like any of the Foxes were inside. Well... Lucas couldn’t be entirely sure about that.

“We can work on some of your stunts or we can work on some cheers. If you’re up for it, I’ve just got to go change real quick,” Lucas added as he stuck out his prosthetic leg. “Should only take a few minutes, I can meet you out there and you can get all stretched out.”

[lucaservine]

secretpatchword‌:

Where: The Den

When: Morning, Wednesday, March 13

Who: Open

The vans pulled up around nine in the morning, just as Patch was finishing his morning cigarette out on the front porch of the Den. It set his teeth on edge immediately, even though the vans didn’t do much but slow down to take a few pictures of the Fox Tower and move on. Still, he knew exactly the kinds of people that would be on the campus that day, and he wanted no part of it. Like a cat sighting a spray-bottle, he slunk back inside with a disgusted noise.

He wandered into the kitchen sat down at the table and picked at the nail polish on his nails. He knew instinctively that this was a good thing. That many of the Foxes, many of his friends, needed the publicity. But Patch had already had too much, and all it took was one good picture of him to flame fires that had died years ago. Even if he wasn’t guilty, there would be questions. Where did he go? What was he doing? Why was he here? None of which he wanted to answer.

The sound of footsteps on the stairs had him glancing up lazily, attempting to relax the tension that had crept up into his shoulders and settled in between his brows. He threw and elbow up on the table as he turned the upper half of his body towards the newcomer. “Well, good morning, sunshine. Make sure you lead with your good side today; the cameras are on campus,” he said, tilting his head to the side with a small, genuine, if bitter, smile.

At some point it would end, Lucas knew that much. He wasn’t sure how unsettled he would be by all the cameras and attention on the Foxes--but it had put him on edge. Mostly due to the fact that Lucas couldn’t help but wonder what would happened if the Vixens had the spotlight on them at all. Would his mom see something on television? While scrolling through her phone? Would she call him? Or would she ignore him and pretend he doesn’t exist?

Would his dad see something about him?

There were too many questions and the one person Lucas usually went to was preoccupied. But keeping to the Den had made Lucas a little stir-crazy. Someone would have to keep him entertained. Distracted.

And not too surprising, the perfect person was downstairs. Patch would probably keep him entertained for a few hours. “Good morning to you sunshine,” Lucas greeted as he hopped down the last step and made his way over to Patch. “I’m always leading with my good side. What are you plans for today?” Lucas asked, tilting his head in the opposite direction of Patch’s. “I’m bored and need someone to distract me.”

[lucaservine]

sashahartashby‌:

It takes everything in her not to let her jaw drop when he tells her he’s asking Raph on a date, otherwise known as the gremlin under the banquet table. She wouldn’t imagine him going on a date with anyone, especially someone who seems as well-mannered as Lucas. It definitely throws a wrench in her plans. She could probably dress him in a Santa hat, and Raph wouldn’t care. 

“Well,” Sasha begins, wrinkling her nose. “It doesn’t. If anything, I’d say we don’t have to try that hard to dress you,” She shrugs before stepping closer and lowering her voice, “I mean, are you sure? There’s a lot of available Foxes out there.”

Still, if he’s set in his choice of date she’ll help, because this is one of the few things she’s willing to do for other people. “Outdoors,” She nods in thought. “We’ll look at some nice outdoor wear then. Maybe, a hat.” 

Lucas quickly shook his head. “I’m sure. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the other Foxes are very nice to look at but I’m not on their radar and Raph...” Again, words seem to always fail him. “I know a lot of people are rubbed the wrong way when it comes to him but he’s a good person and he cares in his own ways. When you actually take the time to watch him, you pick up on it. Crazy, but I don’t even think he realizes it.”

Raph is certainly a puzzle, but one that Lucas has happily spent his time getting to know and learn.

“But I want to actually try when it comes to an outfit. I get it, the whole thing might be lost on Raph and he might not actually care... but it matters to me. I don’t think he’s ever even been on a date before and if he says yes to going with me, I want it to be special like any other date.”

Granted, there was a potential for it to be anything but normal. Lucas wasn’t sure if he was going to have to explain the process of a date but he’d cross that bridge when he got there. “To be honest, it’s been a long time since I even went on a date. Hooked up, sure. A date? Nope.” Most people turned him down. 

[lucaservine]

sashahartashby‌:

Sasha pauses outside the door and gives Lucas a curious look. She likes gossip, she likes to be in the know, so she follows things like FoxWatch to see what they say about her and her teammates and the Vixens. So the fact that she can’t immediately guess who Lucas is going on a date with bothers her, prompting her to pry a little. 

“Okay,” Sasha begins, a smirk reaching her lips. “I can find something for that too, but it would be helpful to know who the date is with. Just so I can pick the perfect outfit, you know,” Sasha lies smoothly. It’s not really a lie though. She looks good in everything she owns, so back when she went on dates with her new target of the month, she didn’t overly concern herself with what to wear. But certain people respond more to certain looks, so she would be an idiot not to use that to her advantage. 

Sasha begins leading the way out of the building, her heels clicking against the floor. “And do you know the place? There’s a difference between good looking casual while bowling and good look casual while going out for coffee.” Maybe, she’s been going on dates she didn’t really want to go on and with people she didn’t really want to be with, but she would still consider herself somewhat of an expert on dates. She definitely knows how to put on act for them, at least.

Well, that door’s been open. Lucas isn’t sure who--if anyone--has been paying attention and he knows they’ve been in their own little world so he wouldn’t be surprised if not too many people noticed. But Lucas had been spending a lot of his time with the particular Fox. As much possible with how hectic things have been. The last thing Lucas wanted was to pull anyone from practice.

“Uh, well...” Lucas ran a hand through his hair as he hesitated, eyes nervously looking at everything but Sasha. “I don’t know if it’s going to help you much cause it certainly didn’t help me much, but I’m hoping to ask Raph on a date. Depending on...certain things.” Really depending on how things went between the two of them. Lucas wasn’t even sure if he would call it a date and just have the two of them hang out. Like normal. But he really did want a date.

“And I’m sorta thinking of taking him to go see the christmas lights at the zoo. Everything’s going to be lit up and super pretty. They’re supposed to have a lot of cool things to see and do there too. Maybe it’s lame but I don’t think he’s done anything like that before... but I also want to look really good.” Lucas laughed at himself, wondering how he’d ended up so worried about looking nice for someone.

[lucaservine]

raph-peruggia‌:

He barely notices Lucas Ervine’s hands sliding up over his own. He does notice when Lucas Ervine moves to touch his face. 

He isn’t worthy of being trusted. He doesn’t know how to trust someone else. He expects people to hurt him on principal, sometimes intentionally sometimes without meaning to. The intention has never changed the experience of pain. 

Lucas Ervine’s touch is so gentle that it aches. There’s no way it can’t. Raph’s skin doesn’t know how to be treated tenderly. Every touch, no matter how soft, feels like a fragment of a fight. Raph knows that he is losing this one. But it’s okay if Lucas Ervine hurts him, Raph decides. Anything that Lucas Ervine choses to do to him will be fine because it will be coming from Lucas Ervine and no one else.

 This is how it works. It was the same way with Frank. Lucas Ervine can ruin Raph if he wants to and Raph will accept it gratefully, as long as he can remain beside him just a little longer. 

He does not understand what is happening, why it is happening. There’s a hand beneath his chin, gently moving his face into position. Raph wonders for a single, dizzying a moment if Lucas Ervine is going to bite through the thin skin of his neck. Raph steels himself for the killing blow. It does not come. There is only a moment of contact, quick and bright and painful as the lit end of a cigarette. It brushes against his face close to where his neck meets the corner of his jaw. He means to keep completely still but he cannot stop himself from swallowing, hyperware of the bob of his Adam’s apple, the way the muscle near his jaw jumps and twitches beneath his skin.

This is Lucas Ervine’s mouth, he realizes with sudden, shuddering clarity, these are Lucas Ervine’s lips. They are currently engaged in the act of kissing his face. 

Lucas Ervine is kissing him.

Raph will remember this moment all his life. He will be disappointed that he did not try to commit more of the details of it to memory. He will only remember the panic and the warmth and the tender kind of ache that sits inside of his chest and burns at every point of contact he has with Lucas Ervine.

At present though, Raph can do little more than stare at Lucas Ervine, mouth agape. He’s smiling at him, saying something that is no doubt kind and soft and more generous than Raph deserves. It takes Raph several seconds to respond once he’s done speaking.

“I-” he starts in a strangled voice that dies in his throat. He coughs and tries again.

“I, you-” This is like the Winter Banquet. Raph is completely and utterly disarmed, unable to even string words together into a sentence. “W-why?“

The question doesn’t surprise Lucas, only makes him smile again and bow his head in shyness. He doesn’t know how to explain it to Raph—not in words that will make sense but the most he can do is try. More and more he’s learning these days that sometimes spoken words aren’t ever enough. Not with his mother. Not with his friends. Not with Raph. Sometimes it’s about the unspoken words, the actions that he takes, and the decisions that he makes.

Like the decision to open his heart to Raph.

Time would only tell what would happen. They’re friends—that much Lucas is sure about and he’ll hold onto that as tightly as he possibly can.

“You noticed me,” Lucas starts as he tries to figure out what words would actually make some sense. “Not like everyone else. People just pass over each other, they never really pay attention or care. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who care. But you actually notice and pay attention. You care in your own way that makes me feel like I’m worth something.”

He sighs and leans back in the chair. “I don’t know. I’m not good at words, Raph. I ramble and can’t string words together the right way. It makes sense in my head and… it makes sense in my heart as stupid and cliche as that sounds.” Lucas is laughing at himself, shaking his head as he runs his hands over his face in embarrassment.

“I can’t explain it. You’re special. You make me feel special.” He takes another deep breath. “But… I’m also not expecting anything from you, Raph. I don’t want you to think that. I’m just… I’m here for you if you need me, whenever that is and just getting to spend time with you if enough for me. I finally have someone in my life who cares and the last thing I ever want to do is scare you away so please… tell me if I’m overstepping.”

[lucaservine]

sashahartashby‌:

Lucas has her at “shopping.” If she could, Sasha would buy the Foxes all new wardrobes, so she wouldn’t have to look at their questionable, or lazy fashion choices. There’s nothing wrong with casual, but if she has to see Brayden in sweats and hoodie one more time, she’s setting his dresser on fire. She’s taken people shopping before, but it’s not often someone seeks her out for it, and she can’t help but bristle with pride.

Sasha distantly listens to his explanation. Something about dancing kids, it all sounds very charitable. She doesn’t really care about the reason why Lucas needs to a new outfit, just that he does. Though, it is important for her to know what kind of event it is, so she hits the mark. 

Taking the paper, she furrows her eyebrows. She isn’t exactly sure what to do with Iron Symphony, but she’s sure something will call out to her once they’re browsing. It reminds her of the Met Gala, interpreting an outfit from a vague statement. 

“Say no more. You came to the right person,” Sasha grins before handing him the paper back and going back to the couch to collect her things. “Is now a good time? I’ll drive.”

“Now would be a great time,” Lucas answers with a sigh of relief. He’s very happy that he went to Sasha to help and he’s hoping that both their heads together will help him find a perfect outfit. Lucas wants to go above and beyond for the charity fundraiser, to support the dance studio that he spends so much of his time helping at whenever he has free time.

Lucas tucks the paper into his back pocket. He’s suddenly much more excited about the idea of shopping rather than dreading it. The first three times he’d gone, it had ended in turmoil each time. Tragic considering he used to think of himself as fashionable and could at least pull an outfit together.

“I also have another question,” Lucas starts as he walks back to the door to hold it open for Sasha. “While we’re out shopping, I might also need advice on what would be a nice outfit to wear on a date if I were to go on one... something casual but also like ‘hi i’m good looking’“

That would be an outfit for another day but if Sasha’s up for some shopping and willing to help, Lucas wants to take advantage of it now.

[lucaservine]

itsoliviafinch‌:

LOCATION: Gym at Hotel in Vegas WHEN: Morning after game WHO: Open

Embarrassment.That was all Olivia felt for her performance in that game, sure they won and that was the point, but she’d let too many things slide. How could she have been so careless, especially this far into the championships. Her performance was mediocre at best, she could’ve played harder, and they wouldn’t have tied if she had just kept her focus. Scouts were always watching, they’d been watching her since a young age, and even if she’d won this game with the Foxes, it was clear that she had barely helped to secure that victory. Exy meant the world to her, slip ups just weren’t in her dictionary, so when they happened she tended to be a little hard on herself. Maybe it was because her father drilled that into her, that messing up meant you were weak, that giving your absolute best with the only option. That game was far from her best, and she felt like she’d let everyone down.

She could’ve done better.

So she woke up at the crack of dawn per usual, only stopping by the after party for a moment last night before slipping out the back to head back to the hotel, and got to the gym before anyone else could. Olivia needed to sweat out her self pity, and she did just that with every pump of her legs on the treadmill, every lift of a weight, and now currently laying into a punching bag with all her might. Quick jabs, one-two’s, boxing was something Zia had taught her…and something that she took way more seriously whenever the Penn State boys did their damage. It wasn’t long until her knuckles started to ache and she let out a heavy sigh, wiping the back of her hand along her forehead before realizing someone had joined her in the gym. Clearing her throat, she began to unwrap her knuckles as she nodded towards them, “Er, good morning….I was just finishing up in here.”

Lucas is very tired. He’d had a little too much fun the previous night, celebrating to the point where he woke up with very little memory of the night. He wasn’t even sure if he’d spent time with anyone--although he wouldn’t be surprised if he just spent the night partying by himself. Lucas Ervine, party of one!

A quick shower in the morning didn’t make him feel good. The advil wasn’t kicking in. And to top it off, Lucas had other things to worry about. Even though he’d taken a shower, Lucas needed something to help make himself feel better so he opted for going for a run. It was a bit chilly in the brisk morning and Lucas had to be careful not to lose his way in the streets. By the time he did make it back to the hotel, he was finally starting to feel better.

Not quite ready yet to call it quits just yet, Lucas went to find the gym. He wasn’t sure how big it was but he hoped that it had enough equipment to at least give him a decent workout before everyone else started to wake up and they would have to head out.

“Oh, hey!” Lucas greeted Olivia when he’d walked in and spotted her. “Don’t worry about it, I just came in for a few more minutes of a workout. I went running but I still have all this pent up energy and I need this hangover to go away.” Lucas moved over toward the punching bag. “Getting some good punches in?”

[lucaservine]

nguyenalanna‌

“Trust me, I am not someone who can judge you about hours a day spent on Instagram,” Alanna said. There was a reason why she’d chosen this topic from this list, after all. Yes, it seemed easy, but it was also something she knew plenty about from her own free time. How many times had Alanna scrolled through her Instagram feed today, jealously watching other women with perfect lives and perfect lighting? “That sounds great! I should get the snacks though. You’re doing me a favor here.” If she was going to subject Lucas to this messily planned interview, then it was the least she could do, right? 

Alanna lead the way to the student union, gratified to find it wasn’t yet crowded inside. Maybe most people were still in classes. It meant they had their pick of the seats, and it also meant there wouldn’t be too many people around to witness Alanna clumsily pretending she was a researcher. At least it was only Lucas. She trusted him not to laugh.

“What are you craving? I’m not picky, don’t worry.” Her tastes trended towards overly sweet or overly greasy though, a remnant of the days when McDonald’s was the ultimate budget treat. Even now, Alanna’s dorm room had multiple stashes of candy and snacks, ostensibly for movie nights or sharing with friends—but more often, it was for midnight snacks. If she was going to stay up late with her textbooks—or with Netflix—then she always needed a sugar rush.    

It’s reassuring to hear that Alanna isn’t a person Lucas has to worry about being judged when it comes to his time spent on Instagram. Or any social media platform. He knows adding up the time spent would be an embarrassing total. Everything is on the internet these days and to some degree, there’s on choice. Whether it’s school or jobs or entertainment… everything is revolving around the online world.

“If you’re offering, I’m not going to say no… that just means next time I pay for snacks.” It would be the least he could do for Alanna. Lucas tries very hard to keep things fair when it comes to his friends. He aims to try to be better than his own mother when it comes to things like that. She’s never once been fair.

Inside the union, Lucas is happy to be in the warmth and surrounded by the smell of food. Alanna’s question trips him up, entirely unsure of just what he’s craving. If only he could answer everything. But he’s not going to take advantage either. “Honestly, just give me a basket of fries and I’ll be the happiest person around. You can ask me every question you want to ask.” Really, if anyone wanted anything, Lucas could easily be swayed with food.

[lucaservine]

( sashahartashby‌ )

Sasha sprawls out on the couch in her rock room like she’s claiming her territory, and she kind of is. There’s a constant battle between her and Sterling over who gets this room. Maybe, she has no real claim to this room, she doesn’t have a single class relating to geology, but she the display cases filled with rocks calms her somehow. Like the earth is grounding her. 

Sterling is nowhere in sight, so she takes advantage of the opportunity, letting her music fill the room without headphones, tapping her foot along to the beat as she reads the required chapters in her textbook. 

Her sense of peace is ruined when the door opens, a threat ready on her lips in case it’s Sterling, but she pauses when she sees Lucas at the door. She has no idea what the Vixen could possibly need from her, it’s not often anyone comes to her for help, but her first guesses are it’s either money or media related. Pushing herself to her feet, she gives him a calculating look. “Depends on what it is,” She responds with a raised brow. She can be surprisingly charitable, like buying her teammates clothes and passing on her makeup she doesn’t use, but she won’t just do anything, especially if she doesn’t get anything out of it.  

It’s an opening and Lucas decides he can take that as his cue to continue and hope for the best. Rehearsing the conversation in his head might have been a good idea, but winging it is how he’s always operated. No point in changing now. “I need help shopping,” Lucas starts as he pushes the door wider and steps further into the room, trying to get the nerves away by shaking his hands out a bit.

Why did Sasha make him nervous?

“I teach kids at this dance studio and they’re having a benefit. It’s this big fancy dinner thing thanking the owner of the studio but also raising money to help keep it going. They do a lot of amazing things for kids who otherwise might find themselves in trouble or lost.” Lucas holds up the letter that’s in his hands. “I got the invitation and the theme for the night. I tried to go shopping myself for something but I have no idea what to do that would even fit the theme but still make me look good.”

Lucas hands out the paper, pointing to where the theme is typed in bold print: Iron Symphony.

“So... think you can help me?”

[lucaservine]

nguyenalanna‌:

Location: Campus Date: Tues, Feb 26th Time: Late afternoon (open)

Alanna was trying harder in her courses this semester. She didn’t have much of a choice: retaking a course like Statistics once could erase the bad grade on her transcript, but if she failed it twice? Then it would follow her. More importantly, that would mean admitting to her mom that she wasn’t doing as well here as she’d said, and Alanna wasn’t ready for that. Wouldn’t ever be ready for that, in all honesty. 

But today wasn’t about Statistics, thank God. She had to worry about Sociology instead, another aimless choice from her list of courses for undeclared majors. For the most part, it had been a breeze, even for Alanna—except for now, when she was required to interview far too many people for a pseudo-research project. Alanna had already called her mom and John, but they’d only been able to sit through a few questions before her mother had to go, claiming that she wasn’t feeling well. From anyone else, Alanna might’ve assumed it meant her questions were boring. From her mom though, she believed it.

At least she had the Foxes and the Vixens. It was nerve-wracking to ask anyone for an interview, but it would’ve been worse with strangers. Clipboard in hand and questions ready to go, Alanna waved down a familiar face.  “Hi! How are you? Uhm, so, I’ve got this dumb project—well it’s not dumb—but I’ve got to ask people a bunch of interview questions and type up their answers. Are you free? Do you wanna help? I promise there’s nothing invasive in here. It’s just about social media usage.”

A successful afternoon later, Lucas was flying on cloud nine for the first time in a long time. After weeks of turmoil and feeling at the end of his rope, he’d taken a step back to look at his life again and try to get it back under control. Not entirely successful just yet, but he was getting there slowly and surely. Today, however, he managed one good step toward positivity by submitting the game idea he’d been working on for a project and now that meant a week of relaxing before he would have to start cracking knuckles and getting down to business.

He’d need to go to the stock and stock up his mini-fridge. Probably buy Noah some treats to as a future I’m sorry for being annoying and up so late all the time apology.

On his way back across campus to head to the Den, he caught sight of Alanna who looked like she was waving. Lucas looked left and right and spun all around to confirm she was waving at him before he smiled and took out his earbuds, slipping them into the pocket of his jacket.

Helping Alanna? Lucas was willing to do that any day. “Social media usage? Sure, I can answer some questions! Although it might be embarrassing how much I use it...” Lucas sheepishly laughed. It was the best way to promote his games that he put out for testing though.

“Do you wanna go to the student union?” Lucas asked, pointing to the building. “We can sit down and I’ll get us some drinks or a snack.”

[lucaservine]

when: february 22nd where: palmetto campus who: @sashahartashby​

Trying to find a Fox sometimes was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Then again, it wasn’t often that Lucas sought out Sasha but when he’d thought about who would be able to help him--well, she was one of the first to come to mind. He just hoped that she wouldn’t actually mind helping him. Lucas had already been trying to put together some plan to make it worth her wild but not much luck yet considering he didn’t even know what would interest Sasha.

What didn’t help was the short frame of time Lucas had to get the errand done. He’d already tried to go once himself but after two hours of failing miserably--he needed help. 

It took asking multiple people and getting lost once to finally find Sasha. But thank goodness he’d found her in a study room in the geology building versus not. He’d been a little worried that she would have ended up being in her dorm room and that would have made this a bit more difficult. Lucas poked his head into the study room, giving Sasha a shy smile. “Hey Sasha. Sorry for interrupting... if you’re super busy I can leave, but I wanted to try to get your help with something?”

[lucaservine]

raph-peruggia‌:

Raph has never had anyone who is supposed to care about him. He has never belonged to a family. 

He has only ever belonged to Frank and that relationship was transparent from the start. It was never a secret that Frank kept Raph because he was useful, not because he cared for him. And that was alright. As much as Raph had wanted Frank to love him he’d never expected him to. Expecting someone to love him is as absurd as expecting someone to love a knife. 

Raph knows that he can live without being loved because he has survived in the absence of it for over 21 years. He does not know if he could survive what Lucas is going through right now.

His relationship with Frank is an ugly, merciless thing, but at the very least it is real.

But Lucas Ervine grew up believing in a lie that was never going to be true. He put his heart in the hands of people who would never treat it dearly. He trusted them to love him, to protect him, to never hurt him, and now he is crumbling beneath the weight of their betrayal.

Raph has learned that it hurts more to lose something than to never have had it at all. Frank taught him that. He is still teaching him that it seems. First by leaving, and now by returning for him when he’s grown so close to so many p-

Something inside of Raph cracks and slides out of place because, suddenly, he knows he is just like all of the other people that have hurt Lucas Ervine in the past. If anything he is worse. He will disappear someday. That is inevitable now that Frank has returned. When he does he will leave Lucas Ervine alone. 

And Lucas will realize that the man he confided in, cared for, and comforted was nothing more than a thin coat of lacquer painted over a murderer and a thief. He will realize that he was lied to again, trusted someone unworthy again, and was abandoned again.

Raph is gripping at Lucas’s face now. He is snarling. Lucas Ervine’s skin is warm beneath his palms and for once he is not careful. He is not scared of hurting Lucas because he already knows that this too is inevitable. Hurting people is what he does after all.

“You are not horrible,” he hisses, dragging Lucas Ervine’s face closer to his. He can feel the other man’s breath fan against his cheeks, he can see every facet of color in Lucas Ervine’s eyes. He will probably never be this close to him again.

“You are not the one who is wrong or defective. It is them. It has always been them. Because if they cannot see that you are good and that you are worth loving then they must be defective because there is nothing wrong about you.”

He is certain of this. Everything about Lucas Ervine is worth loving, all of his kindness and his honesty and his softness.

He rams their foreheads together as if he’s trying to push that knowledge from his brain into Lucas’s, and snarls from the very center of his chest. 

This is bad, objectively. He was never supposed to touch Lucas Ervine in this way. He’s always wanted to keep him insulated from this kind of aggression.

But the man beneath Raphael Peruggia is incapable of moderation or gentleness. Everything about him is severe and it is him that is speaking now. It is all of them: Raphael and Amir and Henri and countless others. He does not doubt that Lucas Ervine will never want to speak to him again after this moment, and even if he does he knows he will not have many moments with him left. He needs to do this now.

His left-hand slides to cup the back of Lucas Ervine’s neck, settling in the soft hair that grows at the base of his skull. He shifts to grind their foreheads together. He knows that it must hurt but he does not care. Part of him wants it to hurt. He knows from experience that pain is a reminder and he wants Lucas Ervine to remember this. If there is anything about him that Lucas remembers he wants it to be this.

“Listen to me,” he commands in a voice that slips indelicately out of the neutral accent he’s managed to hold onto for all the time he’s been at Palmetto. “There will be other, better people who love you because there is nothing about you that is too much or too little or too heavy to love. All of you is good. All of you is worth it.”

“Do you understand?” he asks, almost desperate now. Lucas is so warm. He is so pretty. He is so, painfully, perfectly good. There is nothing he could have ever done to deserve him.

“Lucas Ervine it is impossible not to love you.”

It’s startling. It’s the first time Raph touches Lucas so abruptly and a noise of surprise escape his lips. But Lucas doesn’t move away. Not even when the grip of Raph’s fingers are a bit too tight and the words that leave the other’s lips feel heavy in the air around them. Something shifted after what Lucas had said and he’s not sure what pieces he’s missing. When it comes to Raph, it’s always a guessing game for Lucas. He’s always staring at a puzzle where he only has half the pieces and he’s trying to figure out the bigger picture.

Raph keeps talking and the words strike chords inside of Lucas that are dusty and fragile. It’s the part of him that has desperately wanted someone to tell him he’s not the person at fault, that he’s worthy of being loved. How many years has he constantly told himself that there has to be something wrong with himself? Why else would his family abandon him in the way they had? There’s still a part of him that keeps telling himself that there is something wrong. That he’s annoying. A burden. Useless. And while Raph’s words can’t fix it all, they create a little light of hope... the idea that maybe, just maybe, those thoughts he has aren’t true.

There’s tears in Lucas’s eyes that are threatening to spill over and he tries to blink them away. He doesn’t want to cry. The tears aren’t from the pain of their heads together, the roughness from Raph’s touch. That, Lucas can handle. It’s still jarring and different from every other touch they’ve had, but Lucas can handle it. He doesn’t know Raph’s past in detail, but he knows it’s full of pain and roughness. What Lucas can’t handle is Raph telling him that he isn’t too much. That he’s good. That he’s worth loving. The more Lucas hears it, the more the walls inside of him crack and he realizes how much he needed to hear the words.

Lucas tries to nod his head but it’s hard with Raph’s grip and he doesn’t trust himself to speak just yet. He does understand. He wants to hold onto those words and let them replay over and over again until he believes them wholeheartedly and confidently. Until he never doubts himself ever again.

This moment. It’s stripped down; the two of them bare and raw. Every other moment had been taking away one layer at a time, taking one step at a time. But this felt different. This felt like everything had been ripped away suddenly and it was the honest and raw versions of themselves. Together.

Carefully and gentle--a sharp contrast to Raph--Lucas reaches a hand back to ghost over the back of Raph’s hand at the base of his head. He’s crying now. He couldn’t stop the tears after hearing those last words. Partially because he’s overwhelmed with emotions but also because there’s something in those last words that make Lucas’s heart skip a beat. He wants to tear into those words, the meaning of them. Raph’s feelings. But he also wants to ask why they sound horribly like a goodbye. No... no, he can’t do that. He can’t think that way. This is what happens every time his mind tries to take over and spiral him down the negative hole.

“I-I understand...” Lucas finally manages to say. “I promise, I understand.” The words come out a little more confidently as he calms down.

His vision is clear now as the tears start to slow and his eyes find Raph’s again. These are the dangerous moments. The ones where Lucas can easily get lost in those eyes and the feeling that Raph makes stir inside of him. But in this moment... after those words... 

Lucas moves his hand away from the back of Raph’s hand and instead moves his hand between them--slow to not startle Raph--and uses his thumb and index finger to grip Raph’s chin. It’s the first time that Lucas’s touch is something more than gentle. It’s firm. Confident. His eyes never waver from Raph’s, soft and warm as always.

“Trust me.”

The words don’t come out as a question. Lucas is hoping everything between the two of them from the first day they met until this moment has built up enough trust between the two of them that Lucas has no intention of hurting Raph. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

Raph’s chin still in his grip, Lucas leans forward and turns his head before his lips find Raph’s cheek. He’s far from the other’s lips--he’s already pushing the line more than he ever has before and he knows that he’s taking a big risk. Lucas’s lips instead ghost the soft skin of Raph’s cheek, closer to his ear. And he leaves it at just a ghost of a kiss before he falls back to press his forehead to Raph’s again. He does so with pressure--not enough to hurt but to mimic Raph’s earlier action.

“Thank you. I know I’ve said it before... but thank you. For everything you’ve said and done... God, thank you for pulling me under that stupid table at that banquet because I can’t imagine not having spent all this time with you. You mean so much to me...”

[lucaservine]

( jenbrookhart‌ )

Jen used to think they were one of those people who knew what they were supposed to do for the rest of their life. Not because they found something they genuinely loved and was passionate about, but because their dad determined their future for them. They were supposed to go to Penn State and go pro, hopefully make it on the US Court, but Jen crushed that dream. They aren’t sorry, but it leaves them feeling like they’re stuck in limbo. What are they supposed to do now?

“I’m jealous of the people who know they want to be a doctor before they even go to college,” Jen laughs. They wouldn’t mind being a nurse, they like helping people, but they’re very sure they aren’t smart enough for that kind of job. The last thing a sick person needs is a nurse without an attention span. 

“Maybe dance?” Jen phrases it like a question, as if they need approval that it’s okay to think about. “I keep changing my mind, because I don’t know what I’d do with it after I graduate. Maybe, I should do something general, like Communications,” They shrug as they pull out the textbook they keep ignoring. “What’s yours? I can steal it.”

Lucas couldn’t imagine being one of those people--the ones who already had their whole future figured out and knew exactly what they wanted to do. Lucas felt pretty confident about his own path, but he still regularly has doubts more times than he would like to admit. How could anyone know exactly what they wanted to do this young? “Those are very special people, Jen. But I also think those are people who get to like forty and decide they should have done something else,” Lucas pointed out with a shake of his head. “You have to be super crazy sure of yourself to know what you want to do so young.”

There’s nothing wrong with not knowing what to study and Lucas hopes they understand that. The beauty of college is being able to try different things to figure out what to study. There’s just the unfortunate... time limit on it. “I’m studying video game design. And I’ll be honest with you... I have no idea what the future holds in store for me. But I love video games and the design element of it. When I decided on my major, I went with what I was going to enjoy doing for the rest of my life. Or most of it.” Lucas shrugged his shoulders.

“What’s the point if you’re not doing something you love? You’ll get the future figured out later. Right now it’s just about setting those stones. You want to study dance? Study dance! The opportunities will come later.” Lucas knew it was easier said than done. Especially in a world where everyone had to worry about their future and what job they would get.

[lucaservine]

raph-peruggia‌:

His connection to the Foxes was supposed to be a superficial one, made for his own benefit and easy to break. It is not. He has bound himself to these people through his own carelessness. As he did the person he was before Palmetto has degraded.

The person he was before Palmetto would not freeze at the sound of Lucas Ervine’s voice. He would not care about Lucas Ervine at all. He would view the other man as he viewed all other people, featureless and unimportant, an outsider to the circle of concern that only contained himself and Frank.

But that circle has expanded now and Lucas sits resolutely within it, with all of his kindness and warmth and fragile, stuttering affection.

He says “I need you” as if it’s true, as if it’s undeniable, as if Raph is someone worth needing and Raph does not know what to do. All he has ever wanted is to be needed by someone. He wants this with Lucas so badly that it makes him ache, but he knows that he cannot keep it.

He cannot stay Raphael Peruggia forever. He knows that with certainty now. It was a mistake for him to ever consider the possibility that he could. But he cannot abandon this fragile life he’s constructed for himself just yet. At his core he is weak and he is selfish and he has loved this dearly even if it is not something he was ever meant to keep. He will cling to his life as Raphael Peruggia even as it collapses around him because he knows that once it is over he will never have anything like this again. He will never be anyone like Raphael Peruggia again. 

He forces himself to move to Lucas Ervine and sit in the seat beside him. Every movement is slow, deliberate, edited for Lucas Ervine’s sake to be more gentle. He keeps his eyes on Lucas Ervine’s face, hidden by his hands and turning ruddy at the parts that Raph can see through the gaps in his fingers. 

“I am here,” he says, because it is something he can say that is true, if only for now. He focuses on making himself into someone useful to Lucas Ervine in this moment, soft-edged and dependable. 

“I care that you are upset. I…have missed you as well.” That part is difficult to admit, painful in its vulnerability, but Raph has never liked allowing Lucas Ervine to think that is his feelings are unreciprocated. He knows that it hurts him. He also knows he will have to hurt him in the future, when Frank finally comes to collect whatever it is he wants from Raph. He doesn’t want to hurt him now.

“How can I make it better?” he asks, leaning a little closer to try and at least make eye-contact through the barrier of Lucas Ervine’s hands.

I am here.

How many times has Lucas found himself standing alone and wishing that he had someone at his side? A younger Lucas who spent too much time staring out the window trying to imagine what it would be like when his father would come back home. Or just come back to be there for him. Lucas hoping to be able to raise his head and dance with his grandmother to outshine everyone only to have a door shut in his face and know that she would never be there for him again. His own mother, time and time again swooping in for her own needs but somehow twisting it to make it seem like it was for him… until he was flat on his ass once again.

I am here.

Lucas wants to cling onto those words and never let them go. At the same time, he fears the day that he becomes a burden or Raph decides that Lucas isn’t worth the trouble anymore. Isn’t that the problem with being emotional? With being anything but smiley and happy? People got tired and stopped caring. They don’t want to hear the bad things, the problems, or the sad thoughts.

With a sigh, Lucas lowers his hands and sniffles quietly. It takes him a moment before he can finally meet Raph’s eyes and when he does, it’s too late. He knows his feelings are different, that he has feelings for Raph but they’re feelings that have to be kept at bay, let out one small wave at a time. But those eyes… they’re home in a way that no one else’s eyes have been home. It’s comfortable. It’s warm. It’s safety. Lucas knows Raph would likely disagree, but Lucas believes it wholeheartedly.

I am here.

“Just… being here,” Lucas mutters softly as he tries to compose himself again. “There’s not really anything anyone can do. Just hurts to know people who are supposed to care about you… don’t.” He picks up his pencil again, sketching a random box on his page before shifting it slightly to sketch a set of hands instead.

“I got used to my dad not being around. I still wonder every day why he just left me the way he did. I always got along better with my dad than I did my mom and it never made sense but people surprise you, you know?” Lucas huffs as he looks back to Raph. “My grandmother makes sense in a sad way. She’s a hard-pressed lady. If you can’t really benefit her, she doesn’t want anything to do with you. When my mom stopped dancing, she stopped caring about her. When I… well… I couldn’t dance anymore and she stopped caring.” That had hurt, but it hadn’t been a surprise. If anything, Lucas wanted to prove her wrong.

“My mom’s just… She’s the only one I had left and it hurts because she never really did care and she said I’m… somehow I’m a horrible son because I owe her for taking care of me all these years.” Lucas never asked for any of this to happen. He never wanted to be a burden. “You know, she told me to never speak to her again? I cut her off completely from money and she doesn’t ever want to speak to me again…”