KEEP ON KEEPING ON!

a sideblog for our life and journey in plurality

[lucciolas]

returning to grad school after taking a 5 year break has been rough. it's frustrating seeing how much my writing & research skills have degraded. it takes so much more brain power and time to finish an article and a book, process it, write reflections, participate in discussions. i feel like i shouldn't have come back... or at least that coming back in the spring semester was a mistake, i should have started in the fall and maybe it would have been an easier adjustment/

i'm sitting here struggling with a minimum 5pg reflection paper... i don't know what to do. i have all my notes and a rough outline in front of me but i feel so stuck and i feel like nothing that i write sounds smart. it also isn't clear what exactly he wants from this paper. it's not a research paper so i shouldn't just infodump, i should focus on my takeaways from the readings and connect them to the overall theme. yeah,yeah. how???

so we'll see how this paper turns out.

right now i'm writing whatever down for a first draft with the hope that it will lead me to some clearer thoughts.

lots of anxiety about everything haha. good luck.

[lucciolas]

wishing that i didn't tell my coworker something because privacy is a nonexistent concept in her brain. once she was directly told not to tell anyone else about an old coworker's life, she proceeded to call the old coworker and directly tell them the life detail that was supposed to be a secret/held in confidence.

so i know this bitch is gonna tell everybody else in less than a week

ugh

[lucciolas]

i was fully too anxious to attend a workshop today that i paid a whole $100 for but i reached out to the organizer & they're letting me attend the 2nd session thank god. i'm going to mentally prepare extra hard, wake up early and get to the venue early and make sure i get a good meal in beforehand.

icb i was just going to let that opportunity and money go to waste. whenever i think that i'm faking anxiety or making a big deal out of nothing, i have insurmountable moments like this. i know that i can do it, i just need to have everything planned out to make it less intimidating

[lucciolas]

oh wow i forgot this was our plural blog and not a rant/vent space. sorry, it’s been a while

~m

[lucciolas]

i don’t know how i’m still alive these past 3 years

[lucciolas]

"how are you?" i'm listening to sfjan stvens I Want To Be Well on repeat drinking wine after napping and not eating a proper meal all day. stupendous.

[lucciolas]

had a weird, detailed dream that i’ve mostly forgotten now. all my vivid dreams are always dystopian though.

[lucciolas]

random notifs reminds us that this blog exists (: hi

[lucciolas]

Hi hi! Wow we’ve gotten some notifications here and there recently? People are always curious about romance relations between hosts and headmates huh~ This is Honey btw! It’s been a long long time since I’ve fronted AND posted about it.

I won’t talk about relationship stuff yet!

Well I’m happy to talk about my relationship. I’ve been engaged to June for a few years now.

(I’ve forgotten all the Tumblr keyboard shortcuts help.)

I do want to clarify that even though we tag tulpamancy in our posts, none of us are actually tulpas? The host began exploring not being a singlet through tulpamancy 2-3 years ago but never actually managed to make a tulpa ^__^ just gained some tools that made aer awareness of the system and existing members better. If that makes sense! Tulpamancy guides are so detailed it’s amazing, and tulpamancers have a good presence on discord. The whole creation process seems like a lot wowow.

It’s always a journey and us headmates are usually the ones to say “Hey! You’re not alone!” over and over until acceptance really happens.

We’re totally inclusive for all systems no matter the origin!

[lucciolas]

anyone have experience with host/headmate relationships and dating?  we might make a post about our experience.

[lucciolas]

if any black plurals out there need an ear or some support, feel free to reach out. host and the body are black and we all have the emotional energy to lend an ear if needed. stay safe and take care. 🤎

[lucciolas]

any tulpamancers on twitter or discord, groups maybe...?

[lucciolas]

june: wrote up some origin stories and info about us but then host lost or deleted it because this is what happens when we don’t organize word docs kids

Honey: THEY’RE TRYING

listen, i’m trying, i started up a journal and therapy and thought that i would stop using tumblr to blog. mistakes were made! you guys will be introduced eventually! someone else do it.

june: i literally wrote the thing and you destroyed it

Honey: You’re tearing this family apart

[lucciolas]

anyone else ever feel drained after a tulpa fronts?  to be fair, it was the first time that honey very actively fronted 100%, even if the tasks were simple and done in a relatively short amount of time.  her cheer and energy levels are simply much higher than mine.  when i came back i crashed pretty hard & honey took some big steps back because she felt guilty about possibly burning through all my spoons.  (i had no spoons that morning, hence the decision to let her front.) since we “share the same kitchen” so to speak, we didn’t really think about the effects this sharing could have on me afterwards, if any.  it wound up causing some distance between us (in repair now, dw! this was a while ago) where she took a bit to come back without a lot of forcing.

fronting isn’t something that i need my tulpas to do at this point, but we’d definitely love to avoid a crash next time we try.  does the host and tulpa(s) share in a similar way for you?  since then we’ve joked about sharing a neural load & chasing rabbits.  i have no idea if that’s a valid comparison, but it’s sufficiently nerdy and pac.ific rim.

june: its not valid because wed make the shittiest jaeger trio

touche

[lucciolas]

002. apr 26

i want to see pac.ific ri.m but honey wants to see a qui.et pla.ce and i have never watched a thriller/horror in theaters before so i may be VERY SCARED but by god i’ll make myself do it for her. as soon as i can steal some time in this chaos, i’ll definitely try to stay on top of things for an outing next week!

june will probably tag along too

[lucciolas]

001. apr 20-21

june and i have been bonding over being able to write together again after his hiatus. it’s been super nice and i missed his style and brand of humor a lot! but honey has been distant lately and i’m worried? she gets like this because of current events and just ... too much media saturation & compassion fatigue. honey’s always generous and kind no matter what’s going on in her own life, but i’m afraid that if i give too much space she’ll linger away for too long.

i messaged her earlier just to say that i love her & haven’t gotten anything back yet, which is fine because it was ass early in the morning and she’s taking a break from a lot of social media. i’m trying to think of something to do that she would like, even if she doesn’t participate in it. i have some ideas.

i also think that i felt a flicker of Evening Star while june and i were debating what we could do for honey. i haven’t even started working on E.S. as a tulpa yet so having them pop in with a sense of firm responsibility/balance like that was ... whoa. definitely something that we need. definitely predicting they’ll be my most unearthly tulpa, with a voice like that.

last night i said out loud that i’m trying to do more, to not treat them like a repository of comfort. mental health and school, school, school is no excuse to fall off the wagon. i don’t need high energy to give back to them for everything they’ve done for me over the years.

[lucciolas]

sorry for the delay in posting here. life has become rather hectic lately. in the meantime, i will be following back the blogs that interacted with my first post