Lucian the Destroyer

I'm mum to a (currently) 6 month old little boy called Lucian. I'm not an expert at all this parenting business, far from it, but every now and then I have an idea that actually makes sense.

[lucianthedestroyer]

Revelation of the day: If you leave the sticker on the pack of wipes they actually come out ONE BY ONE!!!

[lucianthedestroyer]

Well I'm clearly not 18 anymore...

I have a hen do to go to on Saturday, and I'm pretty much back down to my pre pregnancy/getting-an-office-job-and-putting-on-loads-of-weight size, so I busted out the box of clothes from under the bed that went away well over a year ago when they got too tight.

I think I should have left them there.

Most of my 'going out clothes' are bits and pieces that I've had since I first started going out when I was 18. I'm clearly not 18 anymore. I've never really been that bothered about getting closer to 30 or whatever (still 2 years to go). But when I'm trying to find something to wear and all I have is short skirts, corsets and hot pants, I don't think I could pull it off anymore. I might be able to just squeeze back into a size 12, but they just don't look right after you've had a baby and no longer have a flat stomach or skinny thighs.

*disclaimer* Even when I was 18 I never actually thought I had a flat tummy or skinny thighs, but looking back on old pictures, I clearly did!

So I'm sitting here googling what 'old' people wear on a night out. But I'm not old... I'm 28! I don't want to have buy loads of new going out clothes that I won't wear because I don't go out anymore.

Maybe I'll just settle for a new pair of decent going out jeans and a floaty top (that will probably end up being black)

[lucianthedestroyer]

Birthdays are different once you've become a parent: Gone are the days of a weekend away, a family meal and a big night out. Instead you make do with a family friendly day out, a cheeky chinese and a trip to the cinema. Plus my birthday list genuinely had a pair of slippers on it (which I didn't get). I've had a good day. I got a lay in (Lucian didn't wake up til half 7). I managed to have an uninterupted shower and shit combo. We had a nice day out in the sunshine, some good food, and Deadpool was awesome - as expected. So we pick Lucian up from my mum's, get home and I'm giving him his bedtime feed, and Dan comes in singing happy birthday to mummy, with a pokemon cake that has 29 on it. Now I must point out, I'm 28 not 29. This is a little joke, because back in December when Dan turned 28, Lucian was only 3 weeks old and I was having a full blown baby brain episode when I went out to get him a cake and some number candles. I thought he was turning 29. I was really chuffed that I'd managed to get out to the shop on my own to pick up his bits and get him a nice caterpillar cake etc etc. Until 2 days later I realised I was wrong and just randomly burst into tears. This was nothing new at the time, as I'd just had a baby and my hormones were all over the place, but obviously I couldn't tell Dan WHY I was randomly crying, so he must of thought I was being a bit odd (odder than usual). I'd then managed to nip out and get different candles, but hesitated about getting an 8 incase I was right the first time, ended up second guessing myself and just got ones that said 'happy birthday' instead. So a couple of days later we went for a family meal the Chinese (Lucian was brilliant and pretty much slept through the whole meal) and at the end they bring out the cake and I come clean about my stupidity, and everyone had a good giggle at the expense of my baby brain. Moral of the story: Baby brain is real, hormones are stupid and boyfriends don't forget when you make a tit of yourself.

[lucianthedestroyer]

What a load of bollocks! Tried it this morning. What did I end up with? A gloopy mess of orange juice and pulp everywhere. And that was before Lucian got a hold of it. Breakfast is too early in the day to faff around with baby led weaning. Back to porridge tomorrow I think.

[lucianthedestroyer]

It's currently 5.21 am I've been awake since half 3 Lucian is still ill Lucian doesn't need a bum change Lucian isn't hungry Lucian doesn't want his dummy Lucian just wants to cuddle mummy for 5 minutes before falling asleep Lucian wants to wake up 2 seconds after being put back in his cot and start crying again... Mummy wants to sleep Mummy isn't even tired any more Mummy is actually kinda glad baby group is cancelled tomorrow (today) because it mean she gets to have a nap while judge rinder is on. Mummy knows she's NOT going to get a nap Daddy better bring home some chocolate after work

[lucianthedestroyer]

I have genuinely been singing this song to Lucian, and it's been stuck in my head for over a week now. I've even made up the next two verses: The chicken in the coop goes cluck The chicken in the coop goes cluck Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up and that's how we get chicken nuggets! The pig in the pen goes oink The pig in the pen goes oink Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up and that's how we get sausages!

[ineffectualdemon]

“Babies only cry if they are hungry, need changing, or need to be picked up”

Lies

Babies (and small children) also cry for reasons such as:

1. “I am tired and that makes me angry”

2. “I scared myself with a fart”

3. “You are the wrong parent”

4. “I ran into something with my face”

5. “I’m facing the opposite direction then the one I want to”

6. “I fell asleep in one place and woke up somewhere completely different”

7. “I am a very small person in a very big world”

8. “I got scared because YOU farted”

Babies have more then 3 states of being and sometimes you just have to hold them and bounce them gently while saying solemnly “yes it is very hard to be a baby” because frankly it is

[lucianthedestroyer]

9. I chewed on my sock and now it's wet

10. My t-shirt is the wrong colour (I'll just dribble/sick all over myself so you have to change it)

11. I just threw my toy on the floor but I still want to play with it

12. What do you mean you need the toilet? You're not allowed to leave the room I'm in

[lucianthedestroyer]

Old MacDonald and his rather strange farm

Lucian is a little poorly today, so we're having a sofa day. In between his many naps this morning we've been having rendition of Old MacDonald, but where do you go after you've done all the usual animals like pigs, cows and sheep?

Well on Old Macdonald's farm today he has a:

Cow, duck, sheep, pig, donkey, dog, cat, horse, rabbit (fairly standard)

Elephant, monkey, snake, giraffe (does he need a zoo licence to keep these?)

And a batman!

(And if you're wondering what noise batman makes its the theme tune from the Adam West TV show)

[lucianthedestroyer]

When you get excited over a poo...

As I mentioned earlier. We haven't had a visit from the poo fairy for a couple of days now. And here's the reason why:

Lucian has just done his very first grown up person poo!

And me being the saddo that I am, got really excited about it and had to call Dan (daddy) in from the kitchen to have a look.

We'll at least I didn't take a picture and Snapchat it to everyone.

*Update: He's just done another one, and it was MASSIVE! No idea how it all fit inside of him. I was proud. That one went on Snapchat!

[lucianthedestroyer]

Lucian and the poo bucket

A little bit of background and context for you: Lucian is a suspiciously good baby. He's slept through the night since about two months old, he's got a rediculously laid back personality (just like daddy) and generally quite good at eating when he's supposed to... But... Boy can the boy poo!

In the past six months, there's been so many poosplosions that I've lost count.

After the first few you start to get the hang of a wetwipe bath and whipping off the shitty clothes without getting it everywhere. Then there's the problem of what to do with the clothes afterwards.

My solution: a poo bucket!

Now I'm not claiming to have invented this method, but when I mention it to people I get funny looks and end up having to explain it.

So basicly, I keep a bucket in the kitchen in front of the washing machine. When there's a poosplosion/poonami/shit storm whatever you want to call it, after you've cleaned up baby, you rinse the lumps off the dirty clothes, rub in a liberal amount of fairy liquid (it cuts through the grease in the poo) and leave it to soak in the bucket until the washing machine is free. You can then wash the clothes as normal, and the poo generally ends up coming out.

It's not always fool proof though (whoever thought white was a good colour for baby clothes was a sadist). Sometimes they need a second wash, or hanging up outside so the sunlight can bleach the stain away, but I seem to have perfected the process and I've not had to throw anything away since little man was about a month old.

That being said. We've started weaning over the last couple of weeks, and there's not been a propper poo in a few days. So Lucian is currently on the floor playing with his favourite toy (a bloody wooden spoon of all things) in his 'I haven't done a poo in a while' outfit consisting of dark clothes that I'm not overly attached to.