Ever Evolving

A diary of me and my goal to get to a healthier way of life. Mind, body, and spirit in balance.

[luckypennyno1]

Changing

Volunteering for me is slowly coming to a close. Last year I started to look for a job. Developed my resume, cover letter, and joined LinkedIn. I was all ready to put my resume into the place I volunteer and other organizations related to what I do for them. Except, I knew even though I have passion for volunteering maybe I wouldn't have passion working for them.

So, I starting my own company. I have been working everyday develping, creating and doing what I need to do, in order to make my dream of owning this business a reality. Deep down I am excited and thrilled at starting a new company. It has been so long since I did this and it is already a roller coaster of an adventure.

Goodbye to volunteering! Hello new business!

[luckypennyno1]

Looking at the big picture

This morning, I was sitting in a restaurant listening to a couple of old men. They were discussing a wall between the United States and Mexico. How that would be the greatest thing to happen. As I was eve's dropping, I was thinking about my spiritual belief system. I know we do not have a system that is based on my beliefs but still it is in my mind. Legal, illegal, past people and people to live will eventually live in areas I now reside. Everything will keep changing but that fact remains that my God gave the entire planet to those created freely. Land, water, air, plants, and even my mind, body, spirit. All these were provided to all living creatures, freely. So when I hear about a wall I think about how limited we are as a species in the way we think. We setup a system of survival based on not being able to sufficiently provide for ourselves with the gifts we were given by the creator. Instead we live in a world of men, with selfish endeavors, selfish meaningless things, and ideas that what the creator has given us is entitled to us through ownership. Even though I think these things I don't take personal responsibility for my part in playing in man's world. I consume to much product buying clothing, jewelry, gas, watching a over abundant amount of TV, game too much on my pc ect. While I know people are going hungry, homeless, and have no clean water to drink. Even though, I do try to be good to others I believe that is not enough. I need to take steps to improve the world I live in and make an commitment to action.

[luckypennyno1]

To forgive

I went to a rally the other day. Packed with people of all ethnic varieties, but lead by indigenous people. The drum beat in the background along with the rhythmic chimes of jingle dress dancers. Smoke from sage filled the air, putting me in a relaxed disposition. Feeling the rhythm and hearing the voices raised in song, filled me with gladness. It was one of those rare moments in time where I thought, "I am so glad to be sober". As the day proceeded with a feeling of being right in a world of chaos, standing up for a cause worth listening. I smiled at a man close to me. The rally was winding down and soon I would be heading home. He wore a head band over a shock of Midnight black hair, he had on a worn out shirt and jeans. The look of determined resolve on his face, of changing the world that he was familiar. He smiled back at me. I knew he was about to say something to me, so I patiently stared at him waiting expectantly. He said, "Hey, how are you? My name is...who are you?" I told him my name, he quickly stated, "I can't stand white people. They are everything that is wrong in the world. You being a native American can understand that right?" I put on a fake smile and gathered my thoughts, because no, I don't feel that way. I leaned in to reply, "No, I don't think that way". We talked for about a half hour, him pointing out all the past mistakes in history, about why I should dislike white people. Still I could not agree. I finally got around to tell him that it was more about those in power, miss-using their power, that I don't care for. If we could change as a people toward a greater good, we could possibly make a better world for our children. Learning to become non dependant on resources and more dependant on living within our means is what I think is the change that needs to happen. Where someday living in a world dependant on becoming one with the environment we share with other living beings is a must. Needless to say, we agreed to disagree. I think we are a human problem and to forgive our past is important so that we can try to obtain a better world. All working together with less resources, with less waste, and with trying to all work toward healing a polluted, dangerous environment. The environment that we live in today is not going to be sustainable to future generations and to me that is unexceptable. I want my children's, children, and their children to have a world they can live a good and healthy life. If we are going to look to the past, we need to seek forgiveness and then ask a important question. How did native people's of this continent 400 years ago sustain a viable environment that was pristine for 10,000 years? That is what I want to know.

[luckypennyno1]

Using muscles

I have been out of state now for a few days. Some days dealing with different personalities can be a challenge, I believe there should be only one Chief in a tribe. Watching some people that want to claw their way to being the queen, makes no sense during these times for me. I just want my orders, go about my business and hope that they are not my partner. Usually I am lucky and I am teamed with a person that has the task on hand with experience. Not this time around. She loves to chase her tale and sometimes I need to break it up with a bit of fun. On the plus side, she has a lovely personality when she settles down. Some other volunteers will not work with her. They give her the look of death. I hate to see animosity within a group but it happens. Whenever I see others go through these times, of bad interaction. I realize how much I have learned going to meetings. It let's us replay certain situations. Some people learn thier part in the situation and others learn they are still on the right track to becoming a healthier person. Even though others will not partner up with her, I would have it no other way. I wish others can see her the way I do, as a beautiful human being.

[luckypennyno1]

A long drive

Volunteering again, something I have not gone out to do, for a year and a half. It is a high stress, high pressure, and at times tiring life experience. Sure I volunteer every week at the main office but had decided not to do them nationally anymore. I changed my mind, going to try this out... again. I am driving a vehicle they need down south and it has taken two day...so far, so good.

[luckypennyno1]

A experience to remember

When I first wanted to go to Dakota a part of me was afraid, would there be violence? Would I get arrested? Would I have to defend myself against a attack dog? I went anyway, supporting my fellow earth protectors was a must for me. Instead, it was a beautiful experience. I was sleeping in the passenger seat when we arrived to the reservation. I heard voices and slowly awoke to the national guard at my window. A young man in his 20's dressed in uniform greeted us to the reservation. I thanked him for his service, because I love seeing people love our country enough to defend it. "So far so good" I thought. It only became a better experience. People thanked us for the donated coats, blankets, sweaters, and ceremonial items. Each morning I would wake up at 7:30 and help with breakfast. Then go back at night to help with dinner and clean up. So many blessings did I witness. People enjoying camp fires late into the evening. Different tribes were camped out in groups and would do war cries. I asked the men I was with why the did not do a war cry. They said, "We can't compete". I laughed at that. One afternoon they set up a free hair cutting service. It was great to see young people, old people, middle aged all come to get a cut. At first they would not say much but after a while they had all of us laughing with their jokes. "Don't mess my hair up, I have a lady I am going to see at her camp later on." I would smile and they would blush. The last day I offered water to the spirit by the lake from a spring that runs under Lake Superior. I had to pray in front of everyone at the spirit camp. I was nervous but did what was put in front of me. When I looked up, a man had tears in his eyes. Another woman came and hugged me saying, "You mean so much". It warmed me inside. Sometimes going out of my comfort zone gives me new extraordinary experience. I worry about the damage we as a people do to the planet. Plastic contamination, liter, over population, depletion of natural resources, waste in land fills, ruining of forests and water...the list goes on. The only way I know how to change is by starting with me and teaching my children a different way. I don't have answers to how to be self sufficient and use no waste, but I can learn from others on how to make slow changes over time until it becomes a habit.

[luckypennyno1]

It was another day in test land

Test bring about blanks with no information coming to fruition. I sit still in the hard seat, quiet surrounds me even though there are people sitting all about. There is no smell except the perfume that I applied earlier, it is a bit musk with hints of Rose. It reminds me of my childhood and being outdoors. My mind keeps spinning, trying to put the puzzle Language in front of me together. Learning Spanish has become a big complicated puzzle of putting just the right pieces in the correct spot. The only problem is remembering the words, sentence structure and the nuances. I find it beautiful. Time clicks and the class is done. I know I did not remember but I will continue to learn.

[luckypennyno1]

Taking my inventory

I've been feeling a bit down about my relationship ending with my best bud.  Part of me was hoping we would be able to talk, but I knew we were beyond those words.  I knew I had to do a inventory sheet and be honest with myself about the role that I played in the relationship ending.  Only looking at the actions I did that were the key points in it ending.  I know him, he is a good man with a big heart.  He is also a fragile soul that needs someone to listen and spend the time with him.  I have not been that friend.  He lives with such a passion that I seldom show in life.  It was one of the things that drew me to him.  I had to start from the beginning of our time together.  It is my lack of relationship maintenance that usually gets me into having no friends.  I did not do my part in maintaining our relationship, it is the one weak point in having a relationship with me.  I am glad I did my list of the good points in our relationship, even if it made me miss him so much it hurts.  Then I moved like a dance throughout who we became together.  I hate to see the wrongs I do to those I care for, but I do it so I can learn.  It is my core truth.  Today, I need to see me as I am and except that as my reality.

[luckypennyno1]

Being open to learning

I love being open to learning.  It expands my life so much.  It is being renewed, learning is a refreshment to me.  I just learned a new personal growth boundary. I can't control how a person treats me but when it becomes unhealthy I can remove myself from their life.  I've been hanging out with the same person for a few years.  A close friend, except each time I would see him, he would insult me each time.  It would bother me but I would just keep quiet about it and would not spend too much thinking about his rudeness.  I finally was dreading to meet with him or spend time talking to him.  He would talk negative about others continuously.  People that we were around would comment on how un-happy he was.  I had to agree.  I knew our relationship was un-healthy so I finally stepped away.  We had a good relationship while it was good but I don't want to involve myself in a verbally abusive relationship with someone.  Wow, that is growth and learning for me. 

[luckypennyno1]

Carry the weight

"Man is so made that he can only carry the weight of twenty-four hours, no more" from Twenty-Four Hours A Day.  We are never certain whether we will be given another 24.  We let our minds live in the past, or think too much into the future.  How often do we think about appreciating one day?  I do get mixed up in living chaotic.  It seems easy to do.  Lately, it has bothered me when I go through my day and all I hear from people are complaints about their life.  Can it be so bad if you live in today?  Maybe it is the time of the year where I get irritated by others.  I think it is time for me to change it up.  To realize that how I view my world is how my brain is processing the information that I am putting into it, each and every day.  I've been reading about things that inspire me, sharing my time with those that appreciate me, and hopefully do that to others.  I wake up and have the opportunity to make life good.  It's hard to keep it, for me in that perspective, but now I've been thinking of it more as a challenge.  How can I change how the world is for me?

[luckypennyno1]

Even a happy day can make you miss a drink

It’s strange how some days when your celebrating and the thought goes through your head about how great it would be to have a glass of wine. These periodically fog into me and slowly I think about how I hate alcohol. It is my greatest enemy and I can never underestimate it’s power. Separating from my addiction I stopped driving myself crazy, it’s our dwelling on how it contributed to good times.

I do that stupid thinking with many things. My ex’s, for example, whenever I thought about the good times with them, before I knew it I was talking to them again. How does my brain do that! So instead I think about how everything about them is undesirable.

[luckypennyno1]

So your bored

Whenever a addict tells me they are bored I know they are telling me that they miss whatever they are addicted to. I tell them to go out and figure out what is magical about the world that doesn't include people. It's important for a addict to learn to be comfortable alone, not isolating exactly, but getting in touch with their inner child. We all have something that makes us happy and at peace when we are alone. My happy place is walking my dogs, anywhere. Walking clears my mind, gets me motivated, and I get in some much needed exercise

[luckypennyno1]

When you fall apart

It sucks when you know your kinda of falling apart. Maybe it is stress mixed with lack of time. Falling apart a bit seems to be a negative, but for me it is usually a positive. It is when I know that I have reach a certain limit and need to readjust my life. Some people give up and how do I notice this, because they are in a 12 step program of life. They come to me and tell me exactly how they feel. They are falling apart. Instead of seeing the positive they give up and actually fall apart. The program gives us ways to look for the solution to not falling apart but that is not a quick fix like addiction offers. If we don't change the way we think we end up stinking thinking and falling apart.

[luckypennyno1]

A good family

I went to my Uncle's funeral visitation. My Aunt told me it just did not seem real. Even when she looked at the casket it just seemed surreal. I told her that my mother felt the same about my father. Spending that many years together, loving one another, then one goes on to the next stage. Goodness, I can't even imagine. They love so deeply and cherish thier love. I even became teary eyed, I remember I felt that feeling after my father passed. I guess you will always want one more memory with those you adore.

[luckypennyno1]

It's another day

My biological mother passed away. I was sad, cried. It was hard knowing she died even though we did not have a good relationship. She was hard to know and I did not take the road to get to know her. I was distant and protective of myself. She would go out of her way to help me if I asked. I once had to ask her genealogical questions and she informed me. There was not cancer in the family. There was alcoholics, but I believe there is one in most families. I suppose we are as most U.S. families, disfunctional. It is getting past all those and finding a way that works. I know that is what we did. I was one of those moments in her life that was hard to be a part of, it can't be good to have all your children taken from you before even turning 20. I sometimes try to see things from her perspective and it is scary. I know having my children separate from me would be heart renching. She is gone but her memory will remain carried in my thoughts, until I pass. It's all we have of those that have come and gone, memories. Some are cherished and others a lesson.

[luckypennyno1]

You know your growing

I,ve said the prayer many times. Even believed I was doing what I was saying. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference, just for today." I came to a turning point this morning as I was taking a shower. For 20 years I had been thinking I can change how my relationship is, I thought I had courage to do so. I was looking at it wrong. I finally got the wisdom to accept the things I can not change. How my relationship is, no sex, no emotional intimacy, no spending time together because he is to busy doing those things with somebody else. It's been this way for so long that I have trained myself just to except it. Well, now I need the courage to change it. I don't know where to begin and that has always been my biggest problem. I am comfortable being in this relationship because I don't have to invest much into it. I do what I want, when I want. I don't have to "check in" to see if we are doing something. That means I get to hang out with my best friend whenever I want. I get to flirt and imagine being with someone else, but what about the investment? The thing is, I don't want a relationship with someone, so having someone that is there, but not really there works for me. I've never been good at intimate relationships. So I figured that is why I have let all the affairs go, but lately I have been realizing that I can be alone. I don't need to be in a relationship. Sure my family will come and say I should stay with him. So today I need to put J in the category of one of my addictions. Sure I've known he is one for a long time. (Excuse 1) I had this feeling when I stopped drinking, that I would lose all my friends, but being with him I have no more left, except my best friend and he is not going to leave me. Just like when I drank...had no friends. (Excuse 2) Can not afford my lifestyle. Well, then I better get a paying job and stop volunteering at everything I do. (Excuse 3) My grandchildren won't understand. They will because eventually they will see that being alone is better than being with a ass. Well that is done. I am finish venting for today. I am going to get out the big book and work on another addiction that I have...Woe they never stop coming.

[luckypennyno1]

Happy to have a beautiful day