A probably very long post
Once again, I have this real urge to write. I imagine this is partially due to all of the stuff that’s happened to me lately, but also because I very recently went and got myself a laptop. A laptop with a real fucking keyboard.
Tablets and phones are excellent, but I just can’t use the fucking things. I like usb ports, keyboards, a mouse. I certainly shouldn’t have bought myself this laptop- I’m flat broke and running on pennies at the moment. I left the house with Christine, muttering the words ‘don’t let me buy anything today. I can’t afford to spend anything else.’ Then I returned four hours later with a laptop on the credit card. But sod it, what a great decision, it feels beautiful, and it has definitely made me feel like writing, and creating again.
Anyways. My main focus of this post is going to be this bad news that was briefly touched on in the last post, but I just didn’t feel like getting in to it at that point. Plus that post was written from my phone and I knew that this would be a long one.
So. On with the story. To set the scene, I had just dropped the other half off at the pub to go and play darts in the league and I was heading over to Luke’s for a drink, save sitting on my own all night. I headed over and knowing that I was driving, kept it to the one can of cider that I dragged out for however long while we chatted bollocks about nothing in particular. Thinking on it, I believe we were discussing John Lewis, for some reason. Anyway. My phone buzzed- call from mum. So obviously I thought nothing of this, expecting it to just be a check-in, make sure I’m alright, as I do have a habit of falling off the radar a bit with the parents. I don’t recall the exact conversation, but it was something along the lines of:
“Are you at home?”
“No, I’m at Luke’s”
“Okay, so you’re not on your own? Can you talk for a minute?”
”Yeah, it’s just me and Luke, it’s fine. What’s up?”
“Just found out your Dad’s been having an affair”
“Oh, shit. Right.” Moving the phone away from my ear, I turn to Luke and ask if he’ll excuse me to go talk to mum in his room for a minute. He politely waves me away and I shuffle away upstairs, not quite sure how I’ll react to this.
So I have a quick chat with mum, nothing too in-depth but she briefly explains what’s going on, and I try to control the slight feeling of palpitations and nausea that creep up on me. We keep it short, as she knows I’m out, and I wander back downstairs.
“Everything alright?” Luke asks me, almost but not quite looking as if he’s interested. So I explain. He asks a few questions about how it all came about and what’s going on and then he gives me the exact response I wanted at that point and I couldn’t have wished for better.
“That’s pretty awful, isn’t it?” He shrugs and passes me another drink.
For those of you who know me, I like to brush stuff off for a bit. I’ll deal with this kind of thing in my head, in time, and I don’t like people making a big fuss over anything. So we had a few drinks and chatted bollocks about John Lewis for a bit longer.
I was alright throughout the next day and explained to mum that I’d call her after work and we’d have a chat about it all. I got to sit outside the main section with Luke at work, which was good because he knew what was going on and we were able to just sit and talk rubbish as usual, which was distracting for me.
I called mum when I got home. Considering it would be the obvious answer, I was still somewhat taken a-back when I did speak to mum and she told me that it was all over. I could hear my previously sympathetic tone turn cold and despite her not having done anything wrong, I definitely couldn’t help but feel a little angry towards her for being so final about it all. I finished the call quickly, resenting the words and the tone that she was using, just wanting to be on my own. I hung up, stepped outside, lit my cigarette and cried for a bit. I struggled to sleep that night, without the help of a little too much alcohol, and overslept for work. I realised the time, phoned and told them I’d leave as soon as I could, put my shirt on and went in to the bathroom. I got my toothbrush out, looked in the mirror and absolutely sobbed.
Now that isn’t like me at all- I’ve certainly turned cold and bitter over the years and my coping mechanisms are far less than healthy, but there we have it. I called work again, a snivelling mess this time, and profusely apologised as I attempted to keep it together enough to tell them I wouldn’t be going to work. Thankfully, I had spoken to the senior about it all the day before and she understood what was happening, which made it all a lot easier.
I thought about what was actually bothering me about it all. i think the hardest part was thinking about going back home to visit and it not being... how it always has. My parents are both my real parents and have been together for a ridiculous amount of time, so all I have ever known is that. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there through arguements and fights that I never thought they would make it through but also I’ve seen how strong they can be and how much fun they can have, so it was certainly difficult to digest that this really might be it.
As much as I was aware that technically this was dad’s fault, I found it difficult to be angry with him. I fully understood the concept of how and why he was wrong, and how I probably should be angry, but really I just... I felt impartial. God knows I’ve never been a saint, and I have this awful tendency to adopt this ‘don’t give a fuck’ attitude about things like that. He hasn’t done wrong to me, so it was difficult to be bothered by it.
As mentioned, I did feel some resentment towards mum, bizarrely, and I still feel bad about this. I know exactly what she’s doing and why she has concluded that this is it. I respect and appreciate that decision, but that felt like it affected me far more directly. I also just wasn’t a fan of her general tone and attitude about the whole ordeal, which again, was completely understandable considering what she had been through, but it just wound me up.
So I concluded I’d ignore them both for a bit.... Like an adult.
So my lovely grown up response was to tell them both that I would be ignoring them for a while to deal with it on my own. I worked a shitload of overtime and then I spent a few days getting really drunk and getting a bit moody with the other half, who put up with me fairly well, really, I’ll give him that, though he had his less understanding moments, too.
It was actually during Sofa Surf #2 from the previous post that I actually decided to speak to them again. Some shit song came on in Popworld that reminded me of dad so I sent him a quick drunk message, and we had a very short chat. Keeping things fair, I spoke to mum in the morning briefly. I’m still mostly ignoring the main issues as I wait for my mind to become completely numb to it. I won’t be visiting home for a little while I think, due to the fear that I’ll actually have to acknowledge how everything is different.
All in all, it’s been a funny few weeks and I certainly wouldn’t have gotten through it all without a few of my favourite people. I’m definitely not quite there yet but I think I’m slowly starting to get over it, until I’m forced to think about it properly again, anyway. I’ve been find writing this though, but I think I’ve developed that healthy, cold and dead outlook on life. We’ll see how long I go before inevitably having the mental breakdown of a life-time, but hopefully that won’t be for many more years.
Anyways. What a long post! Well done if you read all the way to the end as it was mostly just to vent, really. But yeah, so that was my shit news! Anyways. Hopefully the next post will be a far cheerier one!
