“oh, we are?” going to the waterpark? this is news to him but what choice does he have? he’s not really in a position to say no. his facial expression says it all, though, dropping as if she’d just informed him they were about to take a trip to teheran. “mhm, is that so? you do? how very thoughtful of you,” he muses but there’s not much confidence in his voice, sensing the shorts are most likely part of this whole payback thing. pale blue eyes flickering to the bright green fabric that she’s holding up, the pounding in his skull getting louder just from looking at the color. lord. this is bad. “oh, wow, how nice! thank you so much. i love scooby-doo.” well, he did love scooby-doo when he was six. he’s not necessarily thrilled about the opportunity to rock these shorts as a grown man. but again he can’t let her know that. “whoa, and the other option is… teddy bears?” fuck his life. “well, now that’s what i call a tough choice. how am i supposed to pick? matilda, would you mind helpin’ me out? which ones do you like best, huh?” taking his role as a dad seriously just to prove he’s ready for fatherhood, billy turns the baby around so that she’s facing the other way and can see the colorful shorts. the girl ends up reaching for the lavender shorts first and he cheerfully declares, “alrighty, the expert has spoken! we’re goin’ with the bears. great job, tildy.” he stands up, carefully transferring the baby to his hip, and grabs the awful shorts. people are gonna think he sucks cocks! “that’s true. you know what? by the end of the day, you’ll have the worst case of baby fever.” he somehow feels even worse standing up, temples throbbing, stomach twisting. it’s only by some miracle and sheer will that he doesn’t faint or throw up all over himself. he picks up the sling and tries to put it on. after several failed attempts, he places the baby on the couch and once both his hands are free, he finally manages to put it on. “let’s go on a little tour, matilda, shall we?” he picks her back up, puts her chubby legs through the holes and makes sure she’s comfy in the sling. pft, a piece of cake! “ohh, what’s that? a bathroom! yay!” he tickles the girl’s little feet to make her laugh, strutting to said bathroom, wishing he was dead. what do parents do when they’re hungover? hire a babysitter for the day. surely, they don’t walk around like this. “my nestling. you’re my nestling, matilda,” he laughs despite the pain, liking the sound of lucy gray’s giggles. the only good thing about this whole situation is the fact that she hasn’t yet broken up with him.
“she sure ain’t mine so… i’m kinda sad but don’t worry, we’ll raise her together. you won’t be a single mom,” he plays along, knowing her too well to fall for a prank like that. “i’ve heard of a water birth. this is the first time i’m hearin’ of a woods birth.” and it’s making him cringe on the inside. there’s no way he’s letting this fuckin’ hippie give birth somewhere out in the woods when the time comes. “we’re bondin’, alright? it’s a bondin’ experience, havin’ no dad. no dads club! yay!” he’d laugh but the sound of his own laugh only serves to make his raging hangover worse. “you know what? this is goin’ to be the best day of my life. she looks just like you. this is all i’ve ever wanted. we’ll have a blast,” he decides, giving himself a pep talk and praying he survives this amazing day. he flicks the lights on and walks into the bathroom, the baby in the sling. he points at their reflection in the mirror, beaming and cooing, “who’s that, huh? billy and tillie? can you wave? hi, matilda, hi.” he’s horrified, seeing he must have slept in yesterday’s clothes as they’re still on, his hair’s a mess, there are dark circles under his bloodshot eyes and… yeah, he definitely needs to shave. “am i a single father or are you playin’ house with me?” he calls out, wondering if lucy gray’s going to follow him or watch from afar. “alright, means we’re makin’ a baby tonight,” he insists confidently, even though a part of him is almost certain he’ll want no babies by nightfall.
