come out and only go only until the pain comes she says as I begin to twist again into the next yoga asana. I have been carrying this inexplicable chest pain around with me for weeks now until it flared up yesterday, making many asanas impossible to access without pain.
I close my eyes, not out of pain but because I feel so vulnerable, cheeks hot and burning, I cannot bear to be seen in the middle of a process of figuring something out. the pain of feeling vulnerable and 'not enough' is almost physical. eyes cast down I try to hide in the middle of the room, hiding away in my own body.
as the class progresses the asanas get more and more challenging and I feel more and more insecure with every asana I can't do fully.
the class finishes and I take a moment to process what just happened. there is so much shame but also determination to keep practising to improve, but something else is asking for attention: why
this simple word keeps coming into my head. why is it so excruciating for me to be seen in the middle of a process, trying a pose for the first time and expecting it to be perfect. as a dancer and former gymnast I realise that I carry a lot of conditioning around with me, expecting to just be able to do anything at any time. anything less would mean that I am not good, or well trained, or in 'shape'.
there was no simple cure to seeing how my own conditioning affects the ways I practise not only yoga but also life in general. there was only the repetition of 'why'.
oftentimes in these 'aha' moments we expect to find a solution at the ready as to how to deal and solve the problems and conditions that come from our conditioning, yet most of the time there are no answers or obvious approaches. we know that we can only change what we face, so becoming aware is the first step.
sometimes simply asking 'why' already brings us to a new headspace and even if we don't readily find an alternative to what we currently practise, simply asking 'why' opens us up to knowing that there are other ways to practise whether we can see them right away or not.
why is the first step into opening up to becoming aware of what we practice and whether that serves us or not.
