Life after Grindr

The adventures, tales, and disgraces of coming back to the dating scene, as a gay man. 

[lulo4815-blog]

Of Tinder Jaws and other flaws.

Well after I finally decided to start dating, I reopened and modified my Tinder profile. You know what they say, you should be your best self, and your best self is really not you. So following my friends advice I changed my biography and pictures, for more respectable ones, that made me look a little less “Cock Hungry Pig” (quote from a dear friend), and more Boyfriend Material. 

On my first day, I got several matches, and actually was able to book 2 dates, one with an “Urban Cowboy” (A.K.A. a guy that kind of sorta went to a Blake Shelton concert once), and one with a contractor. 

Mr. Cowboy, was very polite, we went to the movies, a dinner and then he asked me if I wanted to go back to his house to watch some movies... As old habits are hard to get rid off, we went back to his place. It was this cute little apartment that was decorated by Yosemite Sam (I am like 99% sure of that). We had a glass of wine, we started kissing, well this isn’t a porn blog so you might guess what happened next... We played checkers!!... no, obviously we started having sex, and he said... would you like to get kinky, and I said sure. Big Mistake, Huge. It turns out Mr. Cowboy the perfect gentleman was a hardcore S&M fan. It all started pretty mellow, ties, some candle wax, some butt slapping, but then came the heavy stuff, and well, all you need to know is that I ended up under the bed, with some bruises and running for safety. You know it was really an encouraging experience for a first date in more than 5 years.

So one week or so later I met Mr. Jaws, the contractor, he seemed like a nice enough guy, if not the best good looking, he had the charm of a boy you take home to mamma. We went to have some lunch, and I noticed his underbite, but whatever... none of us are perfect right? He decided to order broccoli chowder as an entree, and I swear the soup started dripping from the edge of his grand balcony mouth. Nevertheless, his conversation was O.K. and he didn’t want to burn me with a cigarette, so I considered it an upgrade. We had a good lunch and even went for coffee afterwards. The trouble arouse when we were saying goodbye and he wanted a goodnight kiss, OMG!!! I was terrified, I literally felt like in the movie Jaws, just seconds from being devoured by the shark. The kiss was not just bad but plain weird, it had too much tongue and somehow too much teeth and I realized then that when he spoke there was this whistling sound that came from his inability to close his mouth. I promised to text him... Never did.

Sorry bout it.

Love Always,

L. 

[lulo4815-blog]

The beginning of the end...

So after my Holy Night with Jesus I started thinking about why I felt ashamed, like Silkwood shower ashamed of my passionate night, I mean it wasn’t the first and it certainly wouldn't be the last. Anywho I felt bad, so evidently I shook it off by sleeping with the first dude I could find, I know this may sound super slutty but I actually know this guy, last name and everything. He is my neighbor and we had been having sex on and off for about 2 or 3 months, which for me was basically a marriage.

This guy, let’s call him “The Neighwhore” was really, really good in bed, and he had a boyfriend and honestly it was kind of a turn on. One time I actually had to escape through the rooftops cause bae decided to cut his trip short. Anyway, I went that afternoon with him and had a good session. Then he told me about how we needed to stop and how he loved his boyfriend and all that shit that people say when they wanna end an affair. At the moment I didn’t feel bad or anything, but after watching The Royal Tennenbaums for like the 100th time I started feeling a strange feeling.

I realized that I honestly wanted all that sugar and spice that come with a boyfriend, even the heartbreak, so I erased Grindr and decided that it was time to start dating. Except that in the way I encountered the Married Jew, the Lawyer, the troubled artist and the power bottom, always with the full support of my friends. Then I went on a trip for like a weekend and when I came back everything had changed, my companion was dating a guy and really excited about it, so I was really happy for him. Finally that gave me the push and the drive to actually go for it I opened Tinder and set dates with every match. And that is when it got amazing, weird and weirdly amazing.

[lulo4815-blog]

Fucking Jesus, literally.

Batman, Spiderman, the Flash, and even Hilary Clinton. All great heroes have an origin story, full disclosure I am not a super hero (sorry about it), but I also have an origin story about going back to the dating world. 

It was a dark cold night, and Mr. August and I were going to our favorite gay club, well the one we could afford. It was All Hallows Eve, and as always, ghouls roamed around, from Cruella De Ville to Hannibal Lecter, every character of dreams and nightmares was there. I was drinking, perhaps a little bit too much, and an Asian Jesus caught my eye, I was not prepared to go and talk to him, thankfully my friend pushed me towards him, the chemistry was immediate and he asked if I wanted to go home with him. I mean, How could I say no? Who gets to fuck an Asian Jesus? I was quite happy and the sex was great if a little surrealist, it was Mickey from Fantasia giving it to Jesus. But something weird happened, for the first time, when dawn came, I went outside and felt a little empty doing the walk of shame, normally I take in stride, but this time it was different, it was at this moment that I realized, something had to change, and well, it did. 

[lulo4815-blog]

Introducing the guy with the dating handicap.

First, a short introduction, I am a 25 year old gay man, that hasn’t been in a committed relationship for lack of interest, I am what society might consider, a SLUT and quite frankly proud of it, I have no regrets. Here is the thing, for the longest time I have been single and happy about it, I have great friends and when I had a really bad day at work, feeling blue or just fucking horny, I just opened Grindr, Scruff or other similar apps and find a guy to have sex, not all of it great... actually, most of it quite bad, but it got the work done. 

I am by no means the apex of gay perfection, in fact, I have struggled all my life with body image issues, but that never stopped me from finding a hook up with a cute guy or a not so cute one in less than an hour. Full disclosure I have had more than 80 sexual partners, but never a deep everlasting connection with a guy. 

I had never needed that, or at least I thought so, until Mr. August, my best friend, fellow slut and confident, began falling for a guy, he made me realize that I needed to step out of my comfort zone, try to get rid of my insecurities and go back, or actually start a new stage, introducing to the dating world. I had always been happy with staying in the sidelines when we went to a club, partially because of my insecurities and partially because I knew that at the end of the day I could just go back home, open Grindr and find a guy to fuck almost instantly.

So starting on Halloween I have been going out on dates and this blog tells the stories of those afternoons and nights, of the eternal coffeehouse quizzes to the great surprises. I know this is a cliche of the worst kind but right now I am tired of looking for Mr. Right now and I wanna find Mr. Right... I know it will be rough and hard, but well, who doesn’t like it a little rough.  I hope I can find some tips here and that my stories entertain you.

Always yours, L. 

And remember is OK to fall in  love and is ok to be a SLUT, just be safe and tell me about it ;)