Of Tinder Jaws and other flaws.
Well after I finally decided to start dating, I reopened and modified my Tinder profile. You know what they say, you should be your best self, and your best self is really not you. So following my friends advice I changed my biography and pictures, for more respectable ones, that made me look a little less “Cock Hungry Pig” (quote from a dear friend), and more Boyfriend Material.Â
On my first day, I got several matches, and actually was able to book 2 dates, one with an “Urban Cowboy” (A.K.A. a guy that kind of sorta went to a Blake Shelton concert once), and one with a contractor.Â
Mr. Cowboy, was very polite, we went to the movies, a dinner and then he asked me if I wanted to go back to his house to watch some movies... As old habits are hard to get rid off, we went back to his place. It was this cute little apartment that was decorated by Yosemite Sam (I am like 99% sure of that). We had a glass of wine, we started kissing, well this isn’t a porn blog so you might guess what happened next... We played checkers!!... no, obviously we started having sex, and he said... would you like to get kinky, and I said sure. Big Mistake, Huge. It turns out Mr. Cowboy the perfect gentleman was a hardcore S&M fan. It all started pretty mellow, ties, some candle wax, some butt slapping, but then came the heavy stuff, and well, all you need to know is that I ended up under the bed, with some bruises and running for safety. You know it was really an encouraging experience for a first date in more than 5 years.
So one week or so later I met Mr. Jaws, the contractor, he seemed like a nice enough guy, if not the best good looking, he had the charm of a boy you take home to mamma. We went to have some lunch, and I noticed his underbite, but whatever... none of us are perfect right? He decided to order broccoli chowder as an entree, and I swear the soup started dripping from the edge of his grand balcony mouth. Nevertheless, his conversation was O.K. and he didn’t want to burn me with a cigarette, so I considered it an upgrade. We had a good lunch and even went for coffee afterwards. The trouble arouse when we were saying goodbye and he wanted a goodnight kiss, OMG!!! I was terrified, I literally felt like in the movie Jaws, just seconds from being devoured by the shark. The kiss was not just bad but plain weird, it had too much tongue and somehow too much teeth and I realized then that when he spoke there was this whistling sound that came from his inability to close his mouth. I promised to text him... Never did.
Sorry bout it.
Love Always,
L.Â










