Alfred strikes me as somebody who will drop the most insane lore about their lives or past with zero context. Like Alfred yes had a life before the Waynes but he doesn’t exactly bring it up for obvious reasons. And like, no member of the Bat family is safe or prepared for the lore Alfred will drop on a random Sunday afternoon.
Tim comes home from school with a permission slip to go on a school trip to Belguim and Alfred just goes, “I liked Belguim. Had to parachute in, landed in a field. This woman started beating me, I thought it was to quench the flames but no, I landed in her tulips”
Jason is watching Lord of the Rings in the living room, couch rotting essentially and Alfred is dusting in the background, only to glance at the TV and go “Oh, that’s where Ian ended up. He was a fantastic lover.” And Jason just almost breaks his neck because Alfred and Sir Ian McKellan???
Steph is doing her history homework and asks Alfred what he remembers about the war and Alfred who is sewing up a cut in a cape just goes, “Technically I didn’t fight in the war. But off the record, Hitler cried like a bitch when I pulled out the revolver.”
Damian gets invited to a classmates’ Holy Communion and he’s got zero clue what to do so Alfred volunteers to explain and Damian is like, I thought you were an atheist and Alfred shrugs, “I was going to be a priest but I got excommunicated by the Pope. I think I’m still barred from the Vatican, because I tried to break into their archives.”
Duke is reading A Song of Ice and Fire and he jokingly asks Alfred has he ever met a real life knight and Alfred just gives him the weirdest look and goes “Master Duke, I am a Knight of the Garter?”
Alfred recieves a birthday card very year, always smiles faintly and then pops it into a box in the kitchen. The kids think Alfred has a love interest but no, it is Queen Elizabeth II? When asked, he rolls his eyes and says it was a summer fling to him and even though that “Lizzie married that nice Greek boy” she always remembers his birthday.
Dick loves the band Queen and always has them playing in the car. One day, he volunteers to pick Alfred up from a thing in the city only for Alfred to turn up the radio and start singing the song word for word and Dick isn’t really that surprised because Alfred has sung along to them before. But what Dick does like expect is Alfred saying that he helped them write Bohemian Rhapsody. “I was pretty sloshed but when you work with Master Mercury, there is no excuse to not match his creative energies, Master Dick”
Bruce also loved Doctor Who growing up because Alfred got him to watch a lot of English classics but he rememebrs the absolute whiplash he got when watching one episode where they travelled back to meet Shakespeare and Alfred just says, “William didn’t look anything like that” and Bruce just snarks “you’re old Alfie but not that old” and Alfred, knitting a winter jumper just goes, “of course not Master Bruce, this was when I had to time travel for MI6”
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