ramblings of an insane woman

vent acc bc i have no one to vent to lol 19 she/her med student

[lunespewsgarbage]

I am a child of envy.

Now that im back w my family for summer ive come to realise how much i hate it here, i dont like living with them, its so tiring.

My stuff has been looked thru, reorganised, and put away without my permission, im not allowed to close my doors or spend time alone. Ive been criticised every single day for my grades (my gpa dropped to a 3.88 so yippie !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) ,my hair, my clothes, my weight.

All of this is because my poor poor grandma, everyone walks on egg shells around her, trying to please her. Ever since ive been alive shes control every aspect of our living conditions. The house is organised to how SHE views it (shes a borderline hoarder, i think our house is exhausting) ive never went out late or on my own because she worries, im not even allowed to sleep in my own fucking room, i have to sleep next to her because she doesnt like sleeping alone.

I am just so incredibly tired and exhausted and done, i have never lived, i dont have the experiences my friends have and that makes me so envious.

All my energy has been depleted, i wanted to go out and have fun and explore, especially because now im ised to doing these things alone (since ive been living on my own for like 9 months) but i feel like a kid again.

[lunespewsgarbage]

My favourite book of all time has to be no longer human by dazai osamu.

I think its really cathartic, i find a great comfort in it. Keep coming back to it everytime I feel numb.

I never understood what people meant when they said they see themselves in a character or represented. I understood it when i read about yozo. I felt so seen and understood,like all the thoughts ive never had words for were finally on paper.

Is this a terrible terrible thing for me?yes. Does it help that i finally have words for how my brain wires itself? Also yes.

[lunespewsgarbage]

I feel greatly incompetent and inferior in alot of aspects in my life

It feels like no matter what i do, even simply writing down something, it feels off-Like absolute shit-, like i have the shittiest handwriting in the world and no matter how neat i write it still manages to feel off. But if i see someone else writing, it feels..idk 'human' or 'right'.

This applies to every aspect of my life, like studying,drawing,writing,freindships, hygeine,whatnot.

Its like everything i do is naturally bad, i cant get anything as perfect as i want. I feel like a big insect walking around with my friends (hahahahhaha kafka reference). But fr, my freinds look so good together aesthetically/physical appearance wise,and i.... look disgusting. Ive never really veiwed myself as ugly, but i have such a childish baby face it doesnt look college age. Idk im not ugly but im not pretty.

I guess my body is ok,my girl friends always joke abt how my ass is huge so i guess i have that going for me. My hands r baby hands like they stopped growing at 12 and so did their use (i have very poor pincer motility, idk why) and i always manage to get hurt so theyre all cuticle and dead skin filled. So not attractive.

Not to mention i feel disgusting, like i have to scrub myself raw to be clean and even then i still feel like theres layers of dead skin and fat on my skin. Ive never been good at hygiene, i never smelt bad, but i feel like im doing the bare minimum sometimes. I have a habit of forgetting routines because ive never had routine.

I barely brush my teeth, i forget alot. I wear deodorant alot and i douse myself in perfume. I dont think ive ever went outside the house dirty ot smelling bad but whenever im outside and i get a whiff of sweat or smth i instantly assume its me and get anxious the entire outing.

I need to put alotta effort into getting into a shower, it feels like a chore, especially my hair n stuff. But i like the hot water pouring onto me so i spend hours in there and dont wanna leave.

I used to prolong going to the shower as long as i can when i was on vacation and didnt have anywhere to go. Didnt make sense putting that exhausting effort into something when no one was around to judge me, i think the reason i don't do that anymore is because I'm in a dorm, aka I'm around people all the timeand i fear judgement more than anything else.

Its been a long while since i talked abt my interests to someone,i feel like im forgetting who i am. Everytime i tried explaining one of my hobbies i get confusion and judgement abt how i spend my money. Idk that shit hurtted. I dont think my friends rlly know me outside our convos

Like, they know i like anime,or video games. But not what genre or my favourites. And i dont think ill ever be able to discuss it w them because theyre not into that stuff. Maybe im asking too much and that obviously theyre not gonna care cus its not what theyre into, but ig i just want someone to know what i like.

I dont get whats so hard wity me trying to make friends, i dont get whats not clicking into my head to make me not be able to smoothly talk with people, even online. I used to have a friend group on amino, they didnt really like me, or they treated me like a child. I know this because they told me to my face. Since then i started getting scared of people ig.

I tried talking on discord servers, and i was active as hell. I was known in the server but not like...not good freinds with the other known people there. Like theyd all talk and i was just there too.

Now i dont like joining servers as much, everyone already knows each other. And i dont think theres anything particularly special abt me thatd make them like me.

[lunespewsgarbage]

I hatebiochem sm im gonna rip my hair out

My prof is such a bitcg genuinely, her book (thats more expensive than all the other books) is factually wrong all the time and has spelling errors. she has a book for ewch semester, but we dont always take the contents of the book. And she adds the same chapters multiple times with zero editing, exact same text.

[lunespewsgarbage]

Yknow the reason i feel like shit rn is sooooo funny its pathetic

Ok so i have this guy freind, hes like my 1st uni freind ever. We were hanging out and he said the reason he sat w me in the start is bc he 'saw me drawing sad faces n writing i wish i had freinds on my ipad' furing a lecture

I felt rlly embarrassed bc of it but later i kept overthinking. I hated that he forced himself to be friends w me out of pity, especially bc at the start it was js me and him and i was so insanely quiet we js sat next to each other.

Then i kept overthinking more, are all my friends like that? Did they all feel bad for me and thats why theyre friends w me?

Im very rejection sensitive, one hint of rejection and suddenly everything ive ever done is bullshit.

Ive been like this for basically 3 weeks ish, crying everyday bc i feel like shit. I have zero motivation to even leave my bed and i stopped going to my roommates rooms. Shitty time to be in a depressive episode especially since im in the middle of fucking finals.

What makes it worse is that, as in a pervious post, one of my roommates is very cold with me and idk why. It physically makes me sick i feel acid in my throat. Yeah im always scared of grades but nothing makes me have a physically reaction like fear of having people either replace me or be upset at me.

Honestly i think ive been depressed from a young age. Ive never imagined myself to live past 16 or 18. I js thought id cease to exist. Ive never had motivation for anything, id be rlly into something then drop it and forget it even exists, ive always had a tough time getting out of bed. My whole life the only thing i had was my phone or ipad or laptop.i never really went outside or had any extracurriculars aside from school itself.i barely take care of myself unless theres other people involved. I feel very numb and emotionless unless im around people.

[lunespewsgarbage]

I dont think im a fun person honestly

I think im inherently unloveable

I can be mean,loud,cringey,obnoxious and i never mean to be.

I have no idea how to carry a conversation, im insanely quiet bc my mouth cant fucking open by itself. And i feel so dry.

One time i hung out w two friends who never hung out w each other, and their conversation was going so smoothly and i had nothing to add. Because ive spent my whole fucking life in my house and dont have any life experiences.

My words jumble and i stumble on them alot. I cant even remember the last time i had a smooth one on one conversation with someone.

My interests arent mainstream,and even when i find someone w shared interests,i feel cringey talking abt them.

Im so childish sometimes and not in a cute way, my voice, my face and the way i act are disgusting. I get babied by my freinds n roommates it doesnt feel like im the same age as them.

Ive never fully a hundred percent opened up to someone, theres always somepart of me i have to hide, because they find it either cringey or disgusting, ive never had a best friend who gets me.

Im smart academically kinda, i have a fucking 4.0 gpa, but im so astronomically stupid at everything else that everyone says im stupid.

And ohhhh grades, i hate talking abt grades so much. Its the only thing ive ever been good in,and im on the edge of losing that 4.0,one mark away. Im so terrified of losing it in my 1st year bc i know its only gonna grt harder in the 2nd year.and my moms gonna be so disappointed in me. And that ill lose the only part of me that's good at something.

I can never open up to any of my friends abt this, all of them get average grades. It makes me guilty talking abt it bc i feel like i should be grateful for my grades.

2 days ago,i started bawling in my room and and throwing stuff around bc i couldn't take it anymore.

A roommate practically forced her way in to comfort me. And i told her how i felt. She comforted me but she also threw in a 'other people are barely scraping by'

Today she cried because of grades too, she failed 3 subjects and she muttered under her breath 'shes complaining abt losing the 4.0 while someone of us are failing'. I felt terrible and guilty abt ever opening my mouth. I feel like some part of me was responsible for causing her to breakdown.

[lunespewsgarbage]

Therapist prescribed me prozac today, i can finally have mental stability!!!

In abt 2 to 4 weeks.....

God why cant these things work immediately

I have to be really sneaky while taking them though, my mom would freak out abt how im messing w my hormones and how itll effect my fertility, shut up

Last time i went to a therapist i was like 13, he gave me antidepressants from the 1st session,idk the drug name but when i looked it up i remember it was a dose for adults.

This time it took me two sessions to get written a drug!! Either the therapists see my problem as seriously catastrophic or they js wanna drug me up. Either way i hate feeling like this so ill take the drugs.

I asked her if i can get an autism assessment cause im pp sure im some sort of neurodivergent and she was rlly hesitant abt it.

Ive always felt like something was srsly off abt me, like im severely more underdeveloped than the rest of my peers, both socially and js developmentally. Maybe im hoping for a diagnosis so i can finally pinpoint what was wrong w me all these years.

[lunespewsgarbage]

Something thats been eating at me for awhile is that im 80%sure onr of my roommates is mad at me

Idk what i did,but shes very cold to me in a way that really makes my heart sick. I asked her if she was mad at me once she said no. I thought 'ok, she needs some space' but now shes on talking terms with everyone except me, i rlly wanna know what i did.

I wanna confront her and have a talk, but one of my others roommates is having some troubles and shes there for her. It feels too entitled to talk to her rn, like 'yeah ignore our friend thats having a mental breakdown and talk to me!!!' but im scared that putting it off will make her think i dont care.

Ah yes my two worst nightmares: having someone be upset w me, and not knowing what i did wrong.

Ughhhh i hate myself so fucking much, ive had too many people be upset with me at the same some and none of them wanna give me a straight answer, it feels like no matter what i do im bound to make someone upset.