why?

My soul is tarnished. My spirit is weak. My heart is restless. And I can no longer sleep. I wail and I cry. And inside I die. And I wait and wait, for all things to fade.

[lurkqueeng]

Like Crazy

I just finished watching this movie called ‘Like Crazy’, which is such a wonderful wonderful depiction of how a sad sweet romantic love looks like between two people. It’s bittersweet and the heartaches it delivered to me was just impeccable. I could savor for a long time those longing, loving, looks they just give each other. 

It’s such a wonderful delivery, I loved how the two characters showed what infatuation and being helplessly connected and in love with each other is. It’s sad and sweet.

[lurkqueeng]

Night Time Longing

I have been dreaming a lot lately, and a few times it was about my boyfriend. These dreams were not nice and yeah I felt sad when I woke up and remembered those dreams.

One time it was him and he’s looking afar with his back in front of me and beside him was another girl, I knew this tall girl is a friend of his who was in love with him in highschool. And I was a few meters behind them and I was just looking at them. I knew that my boyfriend loved me from there but I was just kinda sad looking at the two of them like that. You know what, the next day my boyfriend told me that the he had chatted this girl to ask something about a friend’s work (which was really fine).

Well, anyway...

I had another dream but I forgot about it but he’s there and all I can remember was that I didn’t like it that much and I felt sad.

The most recent one was last night. In my dream, I was calling him on the phone. After a couple of rings a girl answered his phone. I didn’t know who this girl is but her name starts with the letter ‘M’. Well anyway, she told me that they are working but she gave the phone to him anyway. When my boyfriend answered I asked him what time will he come home and he said that he’s on his way and that he’s already on the bus, but then I told him that the girl told me that he’s working and he clarified to me that yes they were working with a group of workmates, and they are on a bus, working, and that he’s on his way home. On the phone was no suspicion, it was like a normal conversation. I, too, remembered that I wasn’t suspecting of anything against him and the girl during my dream but when I woke up and remembered that was my dream, I felt a bit sad.

Maybe, all these dreams only point to how I was feeling about him, about unsureness, about doubt.

Also, I miss him.

[lurkqueeng]

Another Dream

It was night time and I'm at home. It was a different home but in the dream it felt like it was my home. There were three guys in my dreams, they were my friends in the dream but I never talked to them. I wasn't with them either, I just knew they were there and I knew what's happening to them. They were kind of like playing around outside. And I think they were kind of attractive, although it was night time. I think I have feelings for each of them in the dream but the feeling is heavier for one of them. I don't know. They even had names but I forgot. They were playing around, even hurting each other physically for fun, but everything was fun for them. They were friends. I was only watching them but in the dream they cannot see me. Then from where I was, I decided to see them and walk to them. When I got outside they weren't there. And I was thinking of one of my nephews, 'Ikoy' and someone told me that Ikoy wants one of the rooms installed with air conditioning. Weird. I was alone and I was looking for someone I know a friend. Then a friend, Jaymee texted me saying that she is in some place called Ms. Charitos. I knew she was buying something, an ingredient to something. In the text she also told me that the items in the store doesn't have tax and she was kind of disappointed with that because it seemed she needed goods with tax. Then I walked home, which is not far, and then I came at the living room of the house. It was dark, the light wasn't turned on. But I just stood there. Then I turned on the TV to watch something and different cable channels opened, some were movies and some were tv shows. At the window was a curtain and a bit of light and outside at the porch I could see from the window curtains that there were people sitting, drinking beer. They were my relatives having a beer session. I know they were very loud outside but inside at the living room it felt quiet. I just stood there at the darkness, not wanting to watch any of the movies, I didn't talk with the men outside, I did not turn on the light. Then someone poked me twice on my elbow then my arms moved to remove the blanket on my face and everything is bright in my room and it's 8:00 am. I woke up.

[lurkqueeng]

Guilty

I don't feel okay today. I feel so guilty on the inside for having done it again with my boyfriend, in my room, while my mommy/aunt is downstairs. I know she was asleep and she couldn't have had a clue but she might. And it hurts me inside, like I have betrayed her. I love my boyfriend and I know my family likes him too. But whenever we do it at home or in his home, I always feel guilty afterwards and it sucks. It sucks because I know I shouldn't do it because I'm not married yet and that was how I was taught but I know now that it is okay, but that's not how my mommy would see it, or perhaps even my mother. And I always feel guilty for doing it and I feel bad about how my boyfriend always sees me being guilty after we do it :(

[lurkqueeng]

All the sad feelings, I feel...

Like you’re not thinking of me at all Like you’re not doing anything to make me feel better Like you ignore my sadness and you’re not doing anything to help me or comfort me Like you’re not really giving your best to show me you are worthy of all the love I give Like you’re no longer making efforts to show me your appreciation

[lurkqueeng]

At times we don't connect.

Yes there are times like these. And yes I think of us going seperate ways sometimes. With daydreams of you and I smiling at each other, as friends. Of you and I holding the hand of our own significant others. Of you and I and our separate lives. It was not good to think of that but the thought passes my mind sometimes, and those times were the times we don’t connect. When my soul is seeking for something that yours do not give out. When my heart aches for something that yours do not show. Those times I think of someone out there who could give me all that, who can connect with my every thought, feelings, daydreams, excitements, wanders, with my soul.

Is it evil of me to think of such things? Is it wrong? Yes actually, I think it is wrong. And I should not entertain such thoughts. And only think of the times when you show your love to me. Those times when you try to understand me, those times when you are always there, times when you give your time to me, spend time with me, when you’re always present physically, when you’re being honest…

[lurkqueeng]

So there I dreamt so many dreams and so much of them I forgot to note down here. Bu anyway, I've had interesting ones lately, two, specifically so here I will write what I can remember from them. The first one was a dream from 3 nights ago. There are many sequences in the dream that I have forgotten already. What I can remember was there was a time when I was peeing in front of other people. And they were not just 'other people', they were the family of my boyfriend. At dinner. I was peeing in front of the family members of my boyfriend while they are at the dining table. Like whoa. I cannot remember my feelings then during that dream. After that was a totally different sequence of dreams. The sky was dark, like it was going to rain. And I was on top of a mountain with some people, and apes. Like really huge apes. And then we were dropped down the mountain like we were skiing in the mud, down and down, and it was like a roller coaster, an adventure, and we were going in and around mountain ranges, like inside a game, with many levels and in each level we were going inside something like a town, still skiing, and it felt like it was enemy's camp so we were going very fast while inside so we wont get caught. We did that for so many times, I can also remember skiing on water and it felt so dangerous but I did everuthing perfectly, I didn't fall, all my landings are done perfectly. And then the next sequence was that we were wading in water. I was with a man, a girl, and other people I can't remember. And we were in the dirty part of a town, a flooded town. And we have to get out from that. So we waded on the dirty water. The water was up to my waist. And there was a time when we rode a huge palanggana but we ended up still wading on the dirty water. Then there was something like an exit area where a man with a straw hat was waiting to help us and then suddenly, upon exiting, the dirty water was not dirty any longer. It was clean and there were so many flowers. The waters was filled with so many flowers floating and we were still wading and it felt like a relief when that came. And then we walked and walked until we arrived at some placethat I no longer remember. And yup, that's it. The first dream. I will write the next one from the other night in a while. :)

[lurkqueeng]

I know I have to come to terms with this. I still feel insecure about his love for me. Yes, he chose me. Yes, he's always saying he loves me. And yes, in his own little ways, he shows it to me. Yes, I know, what he's doing is already a lot of effort for him. But the truth is there. I still feel insecure. I still feel uncomfortable. Yes I may not be happy at all times but maybe it's going to be like this always. I mean, maybe, the hurt of being unappreciated and the hurt of jealousy will always be present in a relationship. Is it? Is it worth it? Is he worth it that I endure these ugly feelings?

[lurkqueeng]

It's been a while

Hi, it’s been a while huh, it has been more than a week since I wrote here. And so many things has happened. I am now dating my highschool sweetheart, the one I kept on rejecting for years. But he kept coming back and after I gave him a chance, we are no longer a him and I, but an us. I have loved him, I think I always have. But the love that was preserved wasn’t as passionate as before. I committed and now I am happy, perhaps the happiest, but definitely the calmest. But not at all times. His friendly relationship with two of his female friends bother me. He did tell me that they tell him intimate things, that when they have a problem he is the go-to person. Should that bother me? He kept reassuring me though, but it still bother me at times.

[lurkqueeng]

Oh I hate you. I hate you so much. What kind of heart do you have? Jumping from one to another, mine wasn't a trampoline my dear how cruel of you to just leave me like that all kinds of curses I wanted to say to your face you hurt me so much but I have to be kind because I should be kind because I want to be kind and it hurts so much to be kind I fell for you and you promised to catch me what happened to the words you left for me? my heart held on tightly to those words you carelessly gave me I should have known better But now that I'm getting better you have lost me and never will I let you find me again.

[lurkqueeng]

All that was

I've written poems, I've drawn, and now I think I'm done. I fell in love with a man I considered to be God's blessing because indeed, he was. He helped me in so many ways and I owe him a lot of life lessons. He showed me love I never imagined I would get and I feel thankful to him. But he broke it. He made promises he never kept. He said things he would do but he didn't. He was a man of so much words. Words, the very thing I loved about him. And he's good with words. I wouldn't say he wasn't good with actions because I genuinely felt that he cared for me. And I thank him for that. Only his love for me didn't last. I'm not even sure if he did love me. But right now, I don't wanna care anymore. I am moving on and letting go. I have to forget him.

[lurkqueeng]

8/23/14

Today I had a humbling experience. I wa a fool. I had confidnce yet I lack te skills. And my reasoning was ignored by my pride. I've always been like this and this should stop. I was a fool and what happened this morning should definitely be a learning experienc for me. What a shame!!! Thankfully egeryone was kind towards me hay grabeeeee.

[lurkqueeng]

I met this guy and he seemed to be like a wonderful blessing from above. We are kindred spirits.

And then suddenly something came off, like a dead end of a rainbow, where nothing seemed magical anymore.

I don't know.

I think the problem is within me.

[lurkqueeng]

Hello Augustus, it's been a while. After that annoying heartbreak, things have been pretty great lately :)

Yeah I feel really happy :)

I hope this goes on and thank You God, all this is because of You.

[lurkqueeng]

What Annoys Me so Much

Listing down the things that you don't like may not be a great way to start a weekend. But the heavy week I've had led me to this, so for some release here's my list of irksome kinds of people:

1. Those who are full of themselves. "I am, so give me this." "I am, so do this totally work-unrelated thing I want you to do" Ugh.

2. Insecure People Like how do you handle them? You give them praises, you applaud them because you think they might use some boost of confidence but when you start to work on something, you don't get a tiny bit of support from them. Ignored even.

3. Hugas Kamay people Yes we know what you did. And what you did was a terrible thing. Why can't you just admit your mistakes so we can all move on quietly, with a heart less heavy.

4. Show Off There's nothing bad about telling people that you did something good. But showing off this good deed of yours like it's some trophy work in a parade would only make you look like you're doing it for fame and not about simply doing a sacrifice. Giving inspiration to others is another thing because you do that without boasting. Don't put yourself on a pedestal please. Also, don't you want to receive your rewards on heaven instead of here on earth?

5. Greedy Ones Where's your conscience dude? People are dying, and still you want edrything for yourself? Just be careful because the Lord is watching. I'm not saying that I'm perfect and that I have no mistakes. I am merely writing what I don't like about other people. It's just so sad that all these people and I exist in a small world. Ugh. Taena.

[lurkqueeng]

Batanes Memoirs

I'm here in one of the most beautiful places here on the Philippines for a vacation. I would be very excited and tremendously thrilled if not for this little thing: I'm having this wonderful vacation with a female friend, who took the heart of the guy I like so much. There are still intermittent heartaches. Though the previous ones were so painful, these ones are more tolerable. We arrived at Basco before 7:30 am and then we had some rest at the lodge where we're staying. An hour before lunch time my friend taught me how to ride the bike. I was having a difficult time though, in both physical and emotional aspects but I think I appear doing well for the latter one. The first i could not hide. Honestly though, I'm getting better. At lunch time I accidentally saw from her phone that she got a new message. It's from the guy I like so much. Yeah I know they're already dating and she knows I like him so much but I told her it's how life is, I knew him first, I liked him first and we were textmates first, but once he saw her, his eyes and his heart were all on her. She knew it was painful for me but I told her it will pass. It's a little disappointing though that after two months the pain is still there. Thankfully it's shrinking. And I owe it all up to Him. When I saw the text notification, I breathed deeply and I looked at the clear surroundings of the Basco park. It was so lovely and the weather is so clear. I remember how I always tell myself that I'm lifting all the pain and heartaches to Him and I guess it's working.

9:06pm Bit not every sinle time. It still hurts. and it's very difficult to share smiles with that person who exchanges sweet messages and calls with the guy you like, considering she's a friend who knew you like that guy very much. And I think tonight he's calling her.

[lurkqueeng]

I'm not going to dwell on the pain anymore. Lord help me, this pain is miniscule compared to the pain of others. The world doesn't need a sad me, instead help me become more useful to good goals and to others who need my energy. Please help me forgive easily and love constantly. This is truly humbling and Lord, I need You please help me find peace again.