.Lux

Ask me abt my writing projects They/them Sandman + phandom 19

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Myradel

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23.04.26 - Honesty

When you grow up feeling alien, you learn quite quickly how to recognize what people want from you. Once you finally develop friends, there seems to appear an easy answer to the question "how does one make themselves likable without being truly likable" : thoughtfulness. With only some thought, and foresight, one can make themselves appear six times as kind as they truly are.

Many actions i carry out now carry the sole objective of appearing intentional. The energy consumed, the level of detail, other little things, help you seem intentional, though they are not driven by any real love or warmth for the purpose— not in the usual way they should be. They are instead driven by a cold, neutral, and somewhat pathetic approach of asking oneself: "what would a lovely person do?" If, sure, this is done in the favor of the people i love, there is no real sentimentality behind them. It's all brownie points.

This hidden intention behind my actions, these silly little machinations, do not— as one might hope or think (with a knowing smirk, 'you overcomplicate things')— make them intentional. They are dishonest, in their sole focus on appearance. The appearance of honesty, the warmth of the smile i try to give, does not make me honest. It only makes me a good and reasonable liar.

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I WILL DO IT ALL!!

I will do it lazy, and afraid, and miserable!

I will do it manic, and confident, and driven!

I will do it rested! I will do it tired!

I always have, and i always will,

not because it is in my nature to do so,

But because it is in my nature to grovel, and squint, and try to

It is in my nature to walk anywhere,

sore and gloomy,

or full of life.

I will do all I must because I know i must :

This is the cost of living a life meant to be lived.

To require upkeep and maintenance is to be novel and high in quality.

I will not throw it all away when it breaks down;

I will swear under my breath, get on my knees, and fix it.

I will do it all!

I will walk a thousand miles and hum on the way back.

I will smoke, and drink, and complain all the way there—

I am as good as any human at that,

And what a wonderful thought!

To be a part of something so universal as life.

I know mine is slowed and weighed down.

I will live it anyways,

and i will live it tired,

And i will do it all!

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How i look at my dad knowing we opened the bottle of wine two hours ago and we finished it (we're the only two who drink) (i drank 70% of it)

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I kn wow my roommate is trying to sleep but luckily for her any time I get depressed i talk to myself and i am CHATTTYYYYY tonight

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Sometimes, the desire to self-destruct stems from a desire to be seen. You need so badly to be known- it's been so long- but it seems so impossible, you think you must manage the impossible in order to achieve it. You must manage to completely annihilate yourself. This way, when you ripped open your ribcage, those you've hidden all that blood from may see what was really inside. They will be horrified, yes; but dont you find yourself horrifying? Perhaps this destroyed version of you was a real you, hidden away all along behind intact skin, you tell yourself. You are wrong.

Your self-hatred perverts your self-love. You believe that in dying, you may offer yourself the chance to bloom, to be beautiful in that way ideas, dreams are; in the way things are when they are (no longer) real. You are wrong.

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Ok i haven't written anything yet, nor have i ever watched more than six episodes of Good Omens, but im bored. Would anybody be interested in reading a fanfic where Crowley is a bartender/ failed musician and Aziraphale is a classical composer? I keep thinking back to it and now i wanna start writing lol

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Latest video feels so personal bc what do you mean Thomas sanders, Ethan Nestor AND trixie + katya in one video??? Or does all of lesbian tumblr/twt just watch the same gay men on yt???

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Is this new????? I have shit memory but this feels new 😭

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Phil replied to these tweets!

8 September 2025

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"It isnt a costume she's a real nun" Andrew in drag starts playing in the background /j

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It's actually gotten to that point in worldbuilding obsession where i have to make a map so i know where to put my characters hometown... bc i want to know how rich the city is.... nooo...... no map... why.....

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As a second year law student, nothing brings me more happiness than seeing all the first years excited to go to class because from where im standing, y'all have no reason to be happy;

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116 files in my obsidian world building folder and i havent even written everything yet. I love worldbuilding bro.

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Some weird, cackling god has blessed Phil with ability to form the strangest, most unnaturally funny sentences without having to use his brain and i dont think he's aware of this power yet

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"Lmao people used to put uranium cream on their face thats so stupid", i laugh. I take a bite of mu burger. There are several types of microplastics in my bloodstream.

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When you think about it, Aziracrow walked so Enid x Wednesday could run

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One year on tumblr and I've gone from depressed anorexic student to depressed student, we'll see which descriptor falls off next year! And then the year after that i just will cease to exist im pretty sure.