summary: you fell for jay when you had sworn you were not looking for anything. you thought meeting jay after years of toxic, abusive relationship would be the key to eternal love and happiness. yet, the shadows of his past and your fear never really left the picture.
warning: -
wc: 1.2k
You met Jay during college. How he tried not to attract attention, his thoughtfulness, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, and god... his dimples. Yet somehow, even from the start, shadows lingered.
He was kind to everyone. To his friends, to strangers, and, most painfully, to the girls who came before you. He never said it outright, but you could see it in the way his friends talked about her. Or didn’t. How they didn’t really talk about you at all. How they still saw him as the boy who’d loved her, the boy who’d been different before you.
The first time you saw that photo tucked into his wallet, a picture of them, smiling so brightly, a moment where they seem so happy to be around each other frozen and carried around in a glossy paper. You’d teased him because you and Jay weren’t official yet at that time. “Oh, you’re still carrying her around?” He’d just laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck, “It’s not like that. Well, I paid for it, kind of wasteful to throw it away.” It’s funny. The amount he paid for the picture wasn’t much, so you know it’s not the reason. Yet again, you wanted, needed to believe him. And you did.
You had known a lot about her, of course you had. She was someone he’d once loved deeply, and Jay wasn’t the type to pretend that part of his heart had never existed. “It’s nothing, really. She just wanted to ask me things,” he’d said the time you saw the chat room on his phone. You choose to understand. After all, you love him so much that you trust him more than anything.
Jay was never the one who asked for the breakup with her. That part of his story, he never spoke of openly—but you learned in fragments. The way his voice always softened at the mention of her name, how his gaze drifted somewhere distant whenever old memories surfaced. It was she who walked away, leaving him clutching at air, trying to understand where he went wrong, desperately begging for chances, despite knowing it’s not his fault — not wanting to lose her.
And maybe that’s why Jay never let himself fall too deep again. Maybe that’s why, even when he loved you, tried to love you the way you deserved... he kept pulling himself back before he could get lost. Because in his mind, losing himself in love meant losing the person too.
He treated her kindly, even long after the end. A soft spot he couldn’t erase. He helped when she asked, answered when she called, stayed kind. And you saw it. You saw the lengths he went for her, the gentleness that lingered, and it made you wonder if why you were worth the same softness, the same staying power.
And then there was the girl he liked after getting his heart broken. The “almost”. The one his housemates always teased him about, the one he’d convinced to come to the same college. The one he said he had no feelings for, not anymore. But when she messaged, he’d respond.
You still remembered that night — when she asked to see him, and he chose you.
But his heart wasn’t there. His body sat next to you, but his mind was elsewhere. And you hated yourself for noticing.
Fear does strange things to people.
No matter how hard Jay tried, the ghosts of your past fears, and his past clung to you. And sometimes, without meaning to, you pushed him away.
You asked for breaks; not because you didn’t want him, but because you needed to know he’d stay. You needed to know he wouldn’t throw you away at the first sign of your cracks.
Until he didn’t, until that one last time.
You were with him for three months.
Jay didn’t end things because he stopped caring. He ended it because he was exhausted — exhausted of watching the person he loved hurt, and feeling like he was the reason why. He convinced himself that you deserved someone who could make you feel safe without trying so hard, someone who could love you without their love feeling like a weight on your chest.
You tried to understand. You tried so hard.
When Jay said those words, “I think you’ll keep hurting if I hold on. I’m not enough for you. I’m tired of seeing you hurt because of me.” — you wanted to scream.
Because in that moment, all you wanted was for him to fight. You wanted him to see past the fear in your eyes, to reach out and pull you closer. You wanted him to stay. You wanted him to choose you, not walk away. You wanted to heal him too. You wanted him to decide, that both of you is worth to fight for. To grow, to learn, to love, together.
But at that moment? He didn’t.
And now, no matter how much time passes, it still hurts.
It hurts because you didn’t ask for perfection. You asked for him. You know he’s trying, and you’re trying too. Which should be more than enough. But instead, he left you standing there with your heart wide open, waiting for someone who no longer believed he was what you needed.
You held on. You were ready to stay, no matter how messy, no matter how scared. Because he was worth it. He was your reason to keep on living, after all. The one who made you finally yearn for a future together after years of hating the idea of living. After he left, what’s more to live for?
You met again after Jay ended things.
“Why?” he asked. “Why did you always pull away?”
You met his gaze, eyes wet with unshed tears.
“Because I wanted to see if you’d stay. Because I needed to know I wasn’t easy to throw away. Because I wanted to be what they were to you. The one you kept choosing, even when it was hard.” How badly you wanted to say it, yet you kept quiet. Just staring, really looking at him, afraid that this might be the last time you see his face, the one you loved so much, and to be this close to him, where his presence is your home, for the last time.
Jay waited for your answer. He didn’t pushed you, he waited. After a while, you finally answered, “I never wanted to. I tried to understand. And it used to feel like… I am yours, but you’re never mine.”
You told yourself it was for the best. That maybe, now, he’d finally find what he was looking for. That maybe you’d finally stop feeling like you were holding him back.
But the hurt didn’t stop.
You saw him sometimes, across campus. Still talking to that girl after his ex. Still smiling when she messaged. Interacting on each other's post, commenting “when’s the next date?”, knowing damn well his friends still teased them.
And that was what broke you the most; not that he moved on, but that maybe he never had to. Maybe you’d always just been filling space in his heart, space that had never really been yours.
You broke up hoping that maybe, finally, he’d give you the kind of care he gave to ones before you. That he’d see, treasure, choose you, in the way you’d always longed for.
But nothing changed.
If anything, it felt like he was freer now.
And still.
Still, you waited.
You waited for him to realize that it wasn’t too late. That he could come back. That you’d been waiting all along. That you chooses him no matter what.
⭑ lvfrstar’s note: i wanted to write for sunghoon, but knowing how gentle jay is with women, i chose him for this (please differentiate au and real life ❤️🩹) i hope yall love this as much as i do cuz i cried while writing this…
Soobin sat on the edge of the bed, hunched over, fingers tangled in his hair like he could hold himself together if he just gripped hard enough. The room was dim, the only light coming from the glow of the city outside, cold and distant, just like what he felt.
You watched him from the doorway, heart aching. He hadn’t noticed you yet, too lost in the storm swirling inside him. Slowly, you approached him.
“Soobin?” you said softly, almost whispering.
His shoulders tensed, but he didn’t look up. “I’m fine.”
Both of you know he wasn’t. His voice cracked on the last syllable, and you could hear the exhaustion in it. Not the kind that come from long hours of practice, but from carrying the weight of expectations that felt too heavy for one heart to bear.
You crossed the room quietly, kneeling in front of him. His eyes finally met yours, glassy and lost.
“I don’t even know if I like this anymore,” he admitted, voice breaking. “But if I stop… if I say that out loud… what if I let everyone down? What if I’m just disappointing everyone?”
You reached up, cupping his face gently, your thumbs brushing away the tears he didn’t even realize had fallen.
“Soobin, you’re not disappointing anyone. Least all of me.”
He closed his eyes, leaning into your touch like he’d been starved for comfort.
“You don’t have to love it all the time,” you whispered. “You just have to be kind to yourself. That’s enough.”
And for the first time that night, he let himself fall forward, into your arms, where the world’s weight feels lighter and bearable, with you by his side.
⭑ lvfrstar’s note: my first drabble ever and i dedicated it to precious soobin as this is something he felt before 🥹 more drabble to come ^^ please support me by reposting, comment, feedback, or leave a request on my inbox <3
“…why can’t you see? i’m closer to you than you think.”
pairing: seungcheol x f!reader
genre: fluff
summary: cheol doesn’t give space for any girls in his life and only hangs out with his friends. when he starts to fall in love with this gamer girl he recently played with, he tries to court her without knowing her identity in real life.
warning: cursing
wc: 2.1k
Cheol has been waiting for 20 minutes, yet Wonwoo still didn’t appear in their base. Feeling impatient, he opens the global room chat and send a duo invitation button. Less than two minutes, a user [radiantstar] entered the base. “Hey, cherrycheol. I’ve been wanting a female friend for so long! Glad I saw your invitation on global chat,” upon reading that, Cheol pouted, “Uh, I’m not a girl. Why are you assuming I’m a girl?” the user radiantstar left the base, immediately a second after popping back in, just to say “Sorry for misgendering you, nice meeting you by the way, cherry ;)” then the user left again. Cheol was flustered. It was kinda funny, and he just felt like he wanted to know the person more. He pressed the ‘add users’ features and entered the id radiantstar. Once he was accepted, he sent a message
cherrycheol: why’d you left? let’s play
radiantstar: i’m looking for girls…
cherrycheol: wah, are you gaming or dating?
radiantstar: wdym 😭 i’m a girl… i wanted some girl friends to play
cherrycheol: oh. uh, i mean we could play? i’m not a girl, but i wanna play with you, if it’s okay
radiantstar: um, i guess a friend is a friend. okay. add me to your base, i got nothing in mine lol
cherrycheol: gotcha girl
And just like that, it’s been three months you started playing with Cheol. It was always fun, until one day he asked for your twitter username. You panicked, not wanting him to know who you are in real life. Gladly, you managed to dodge the question and continue playing. There are days you would trio with Wonwoo as well, and it’s very fun to you because they would carry you until winning. Upon logging off, you thought to yourself that you wanna try to slowly approach him in real life despite knowing his icy cold persona with girls. Here’s how you know that user cherrycheol is Seungcheol, the guy you had a crush on at school.
flashback ⋆౨ৎ
cherrycheol: hey, playing tonight?
radiantstar: bet
radiantstar: i saw you in duo mode jn, who is it?
cherrycheol: ey, are you jealous? :D
radiantstar: keep talking bullshit and i’ll block you
cherrycheol: calm down girl 😭 i was playing with my friend wonu.
Wonu… as in Wonwoo, your class president? You blinked a few times, trying to make yourself calm down and believe this is all just a coincidence. There must be a lot of people named Wonwoo, right? But again, the user cherrycheol… Cheol…? Oh no. This is not it, right?
radiantstar: ah i see
radiantstar: cherry, what’s your full name?
cherrycheol: that’s suspicious. why are you suddenly asking me this 🤨
cherrycheol: are you trying to hack me rn. bffr.
radiantstar: i dont even know how to 😭 just tell me 😭
cherrycheol: hm… i don’t know…
cherrycheol: okay, you tell me yours first, and i’ll tell you mine.
radiantstar: i’m kim hyori
cherrycheol: hyori.. i guess i’ll stop calling you star and call you hyori instead. my name’s seungcheol. choi seungcheol.
damn, you’re fucked.
after the chat, you contacted your long-distance best friend, the only one who’s willing to listen all your fangirling to cheol who doesn’t even bat an eye on you in real life.
end of flashback ⋆౨ৎ
You woke up extra early, to try and look prettier, since you’re going to try and approach him at school today. After finishing putting on a faint pink lip balm, you went to school while thinking about him. You saw Cheol with his friends at a gazebo, but you decided it’s not time yet. When everyone entered the class, you went to his table and stood without saying anything. Wonwoo looked up first, “Y/n? Is there anything you wanted to say?” his sweet smile reassured you a bit, then you spoke “oh, it’s nothing, just wanted to talk to Cheol…” despite you still wanting to talk more, he interrupted you, “it’s Seungcheol for you. and i don’t have anything to talk with you.” his cold demeanour doesn’t discourage you, as you know this is his persona in real life. You just smiled at Wonwoo before walking away, considering Cheol doesn’t even look at you for you to smile at him. Yet again and again, you never stop trying to approach him. A week has passed since the first attempt you tried talking to him, yet you’ve been rejected without mercy at all. A part of you felt annoyed but you still wanted to make him favour you in real life before exposing who you are. Later that night, he asked for your twitter once again.
cherrycheol: hey hyori, can i have your twitter please? i want easier access to talk to you
radiantstar: idk cherry, i don’t really have anything on twitter
cherrycheol: pleaseeee
cherrycheol: i don’t wanna ask for your number yet so twitter is okay for the time beingg
radiantstar: o so you plan to ask for my number soon 🫵🏻🤭
cherrycheol: yes hyori, but i’ll take it slow….. please please please ☹️
radiantstar: hm… okay, but i have a request
radiantstar: don’t call me hyori, call me star just like how we first talked.
radiantstar: i still call you cherry until now, so it’s fair for you to do the same
Despite his attempt to sulk, you tempt him using your twitter. At last, he gave up. You just hate it when he would call you hyori. You wanted him to say your name. There are days where he and Wonwoo would open their mic, and you wanted him to say Y/n. So it’s better to listen to him calls you by your nickname. Well, it’s time to dig an old unused twitter account so you don’t have to create a new account and make it more suspicious.
The following days felt like torture in school. Cheol’s coldness was like a wall, but every night he was the warm, playful Cherry you couldn’t stop thinking about. You started noticing small things like how his laugh sounded softer in voice chat than at school, how he’d always wait for you at the base, how he’d always hype you even if you died early in the game. One night, after a long gaming session, he sent a message that made your heart skip.
You shut down your phone, not wanting to be swayed. His words hit you harder than they should. You hated that he didn’t know you were right there beside him every single day. You decided to try again, tomorrow.
During break, you saw him alone, scrolling his phone. You took a breath and walked over.
“Seungcheol…”
He didn’t look up. “What?”
“Do you… want help with that math assignment? I noticed you were stuck yesterday…” you offered, keeping your voice gentle.
Cheol finally lifted his gaze, looking at you like you were nothing more than air. “No need. I can handle it.”
You bit your lip, nodded, and whispered, “Why can't you see? I'm closer to you than you think...” before turning away, heart heavy. From behind you, you barely heard him murmur under his breath, “Why does she keep trying…”
But he didn’t sound as annoyed this time. Before school ended, you caught him looking at you from across the hall, just for a split second, before he turned away, pretending you weren’t there.
He didn’t hop on the game that night, and you keep on waiting. So you texted him first.
At school the next day, you were at your locker when you heard his voice, closer than usual. He called you, voice quiet but firm. You turned, heart racing. This was the first time he’d said your name. “Y-Yeah?” His eyes were sharp, studying you. “Why do you always try so hard with me? Don’t you get tired?”
You felt your throat tighten, but you forced a small smile. “Because I want to be your friend. That’s all.” He blinked, like your answer threw him off.
“…Fine. But don’t expect me to go easy on you.” and he walked away, leaving you confused. And flushed.
That night, instead of texting you, he started in the base chat.
cherrycheol: star.
cherrycheol: i kept thinking about what you said, would i still want to be friends if you weren't what i imagined.
your fingers hesitated. and another bubble popped up.
cherrycheol: i would. i really would.
And then something unexpected happened. His mic opened.
“…Star?” His voice was softer than at school, almost shy. Your hand hovered over your own mic. Your heart pounded. Slowly, you clicked the mic on. “Y-Yeah?” The silence between you was deafening.
“…You really do sound familiar.” Cheol’s voice was just a whisper.
You couldn’t sleep. His voice saying “Star?” echoed in your head. You hugged your pillow, thinking about how close you were to him figuring it all out. And Cheol? He lay in bed, phone screen glowing as he stared at your Twitter profile — the one you finally gave him. He scrolled through your random retweets, your silly thoughts, the photos of your cat plushie.
At school the next day, he kept glancing at you. You felt it every time. In class, in the hall, during lunch. Like he was trying to really see you, inside out. Even Wonwoo noticed, “Cheol, what’s up with you? You keep staring at Y/N.” Cheol snapped his gaze away, muttering, “It’s nothing.” But inside, he was connecting the dots.
Wonwoo caught you alone in the library, your head buried in a book but your mind far away. He gently called out your name. You looked up, startled. “Oh, hey, Wonwoo.”
“Are you okay?” he asked, sitting down across from you. His gaze was gentle, but there was something behind it, something you didn’t quite see. “I’m fine,” you said, but he could tell you weren’t. “Is this about Cheol?” he asked, almost too quietly. You blinked at him, too speechless to speak. Wonwoo give you an unreadable smile, “Y/N… I’ve known for a while. You’re Star, right?” Your eyes widened. “How did you—?” “I just know,” he said, cutting you off before you could panic. You watched him walk away, his figure a little lonelier than before.
That night, he chatted in the base again.
cherrycheol: star, can we meet? i think i’m ready.
radiantstar: soon. promise.
cherrycheol: you know what’s funny? i think i already know you in real life.
radiantstar: oh?
cherrycheol: yeah. and if it’s who i think it is… i hope she likes me, both in game and irl.
You instantly gave an excuse to log out of the game. Your face was flushed, yet you forced yourself to sleep, not before hearing a notification sound, one that you set for Cheol’s twitter.
As tomorrow came, you entered class, nervous. But when you passed Cheol’s desk, he looked up at you. Really looked at you. And for the first time, he smiled—small, genuine. Wonwoo, sitting beside him, saw it all. He smiled too, but his heart ached quietly, hidden behind his kind eyes.
Cheol couldn’t stop thinking about you. About Star. About you and Star maybe being the same person.
So he hatched a plan.
cherrycheol: star, let’s duo somewhere IRL. like a game cafe. i really want to meet you
radiantstar: game cafe?
cherrycheol: yeah, i’ll wait. tomorrow. 5pm. [he sends the location]
Your heart raced. It was time. No more hiding.
You walked into the cafe, hands slightly shaking. And there he was. Seungcheol. Sitting at a booth near the window, nervously tapping his fingers on his phone. You swallowed your fear and walked over. “Hi, Cherry.” Cheol’s head snapped up, his eyes widened. He looked at you like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Y/N…?” You nodded, heart pounding. “Surprise?” He blinked, then broke into the softest smile you’d ever seen from him in real life. A little shy, a little amazed. “I knew it,” he said, laughing softly. “I had a feeling it was you. Star.” Your face heated up. “Sorry for not telling you sooner…” Cheol shook his head. “I’m glad it’s you. I’m really glad.”
And just like that, all those nights of playing, all those messages, they made sense. Cheol grinned, pulling the spare chair out for you.
“Come on, duo with me, Star.”
From across the street, unseen, Wonwoo stood quietly, watching through the window. He saw how Cheol looked at you, how his best friend’s eyes softened, how he smiled like you were the only person that existed. Wonwoo exhaled slowly, shoving his hands in his pockets.
Of course it’s you.
Because he’d fallen for you a long time ago, before the game, before Cherry and Star. He’d liked you when you were just Y/N, the girl who stayed behind to help clean up after class, the girl who smiled at him even when no one else noticed he was there.
And now… he watched as his best friend got to be the one beside you. He smiled, but this one was for himself — bittersweet, quiet, full of the kind of ache that no one would ever see. “I’m happy for you, Y/N,” he whispered. “Really.”
“… let this ending of ours be the bloom of your beginning.”
pairing: jaemin x f!reader
genre: angst
summary: in which you and jaemin has been best friends for years, until one random day he decided to distance himself. a month later, he published something you never thought you’d witness.
warning: -
wc: 1.7k
You’re passing notes with Jaemin, not focusing at all on what Mr Lee is saying. It’s no shock, considering you both hated sociology class. ‘Wanna play badminton later?’ you smiled when you read the note, and you wrote back, ‘sure, a badminton date sounds nice ><’ you hesitated to pass it back to him, too afraid that he’d thought you were weird thinking it’s a date when it’s just playing badminton with a friend. Yes, best friends. You had been dropping subtle hints that you liked him for two years now, yet Jaemin has always been so oblivious.
The moment you almost passed the note, Mr Lee spoke, “Jaemin. Y/n. What are you guys doing passing notes in my class?” Jaemin just grinned and replied, “It’s a love letter. Want me to read it to the whole class, sir?” Your face has been red thinking about how you’ll spend your time with Jaemin, and now it’s even redder when he says it’s a love letter. “Out from my class. Bring your books too,” you’re supposed to be mad, getting punished for something that is not true. Yet here you are, smiling, and the whole hour you’re standing outside with Jaemin, both of you playfully nudged each other to the point giggles are heard and Mr Lee had to create a ‘barrier’ for both of you.
It has always been this way. He’s your everything. And he would always remind you that he feels the same. The problem is, that the line between being friends and lovers is always blurry. He’ll come as fast as he can to your house with your favorite snacks just because you called him while crying? As a friend. He kisses your forehead and both of your cheeks when he is leaving your house? In a friendly way. Both of you cuddling so lovingly while deciding whether to watch a movie or just talk? That’s what best friends do. He calls you baby? Well, he loves babying you, so that makes you his baby. He ditched the girls who asked him out just because “they can’t compare to you, why can’t they just be more like you”? Yes, totally what a guy who doesn’t have feelings for his best friend would do and say! You liked him long before these blurry lines existed. You decided that twelve years was more than enough to confirm what you feel for him, and you know for sure that you want him forever, not just as best friends, but as your husband. Your future. You once asked him if he thought about if you would randomly end up together, hoping that he’d catch the point in you asking. He just teased you back saying, “What? You’ve been thinking about that lately?” Of course, you couldn’t answer, he’s indirectly saying he never thought of it, right?
Two months passed, yet both of you are still best friends. Just best friends. One week, and then you’ll graduate. You became anxious to think that this might be your last chance. Yes, you’ll still be friends, both of you applied to the same university; yet you want a fresh beginning with him, this time, as his lover. You were thinking about how to confess when he texted you.
While you were waiting for his drink, he texted you with a simple “Y/n, don’t come over. I’m not in the mood to watch movies. I think I need some space,” and to say you're shocked was an understatement, considering how he was so excited and this never happened before. You tried calling him twice but decided to stop when he kept rejecting your call. Why was he asking for space? It never existed between both of you. Holding his iced green tea, you decided to drop it off in front of his house, hoping that he’d feel better from whatever he was feeling. You texted him informing him that you left the drink and were already walking away so he wouldn’t bump into you. And he didn’t reply.
Since the day he asked for space, he no longer talks to you, never replies to any of your texts, and the worst part is he acted like you both are strangers who never knew each other at all. It’s as if you were invisible. You on the other hand are desperate to get him to talk again, almost going crazy because you missed him and how you guys were. This went by for three weeks, until you decided enough is enough. So you go to his house, and it’s so foreign for you to ring his doorbell and wait for him to open. You’d never have to do that since you both have no secrets. You both know the passwords of each other's phones, houses, and even social media. The moment the door opened, he asked, “What are you doing here?” you sighed and just stared at the floor. When he almost shut the door, that’s when you said, “I miss you. What happened? What is it that made us this way?” he laughed sinisterly, “You just miss someone always being there for you. Find someone else. Oh, and don’t bother being afraid to ruin us, you already did,” wanting to ask for explanations, he slammed the door not leaving any space for discussion. You’re standing there, confused. And you know this will be the only thing you can think about until you get an answer.
It’s been a month since the coffee shop incident. Meaning it’s been a week since he said you ruined the friendship. You’re scrolling through your old conversation with Jaemin, mainly because you miss him and you’re hoping you could find where it went wrong. A notification pops up.
[na.jaemin0813 uploaded a post!]
You could not be angry even if you wanted to; all you felt was sadness. Everything—the teasing, holding, kissing, gesturing, and so on. It means everything to you, but nothing to him. You decided to wear just a hoodie, but what slipped your mind was that it was your matching hoodie with him that he gave you for your birthday. You went to the coffee shop that used to be your and Jaemin's go-to spot for dessert and a drink. Your eyes automatically saw a cup of americano and an iced green tea. When he pushed the cup toward you and said, "Your favorite," you badly wanted to splash him in the face. Taking deep breaths, you can feel tears threatening to spill, "Why did you do this to me? I guess twelve years means nothing to you.” He stared right into your eyes before saying “Y/n, you meant a lot to me. You’re my priority. If I had to choose between you or anybody else, you’d always be the one I’d choose. I wanted to make us official. I thought you felt the same way over the years. I can’t be with someone who just enjoys my company without wanting to commit to me,” you’re becoming more confused. Noticing your expression, he continues, “I heard your conversation with Yena. I’m sorry. I came as a surprise, I wanted to pick you up, then I heard what you said.” Your eyebrows furrowed, “Jaemin, if you really heard what I said, why would you go and find someone else?” now he’s the one confused. You asked him to tell you about what happened.
“Have you thought about telling him?” Yena was your desk mate, that was before Jaemin practically begged to change desks. “What? To Jaemin? No! What if I ruin our friendship? Ruin us? I don’t want him to freak out.” “You should at least try. He would understand. I’m sure about that,” you sighed, considering what Yena said. “This is not easy. I don’t want us to be awkward. I enjoy his presence. I don’t want to lose him as my best friend.” That’s it. Jaemin couldn’t bear to listen any longer. You have a crush on someone and see him as a platonic friend. He storms out and texted you afterward.
“You’re so stupid, Jaemin. You didn’t even listen to the whole thing. You skipped the important parts. I told Yena I liked you since our second year being friends. Yena was just helping me with how to talk to you before graduation. What I meant by I’m afraid of losing you as a friend is… I’m afraid you’ll reject me. Then we’ll stop being friends. My point is, I’ll bottle my feelings so I can stay with you for a long time without messing up. Yet here we are,” Jaemin’s eyes were watery. “Can we still.. I don’t know, fix this? I mean, am I too late? Are we like, done? No wait, because I truly don’t.. My new girlfriend isn’t.. I don’t want to lose you,” his words don’t make any sense, but you can understand the desperation in him. Jaemin has always been like this. Whenever he tries to cheer or comfort you, he always blabbers nonsense because he’s desperate to make you feel better. Sometimes he’d blabber until you giggled because of how cute and funny he was. “Jaemin, you can’t do that. You’re with someone right now. I’m happy if you’re happy. I feel grateful that I got closure about why you acted that way. Would’ve been painful for me to lose my once best friend without knowing what went wrong,” you smiled as wide as you could, but both Jaemin and you knew it was fake.
“Y/n, I want you. Please,” hearing Jaemin say that made you speechless, so you just stared at the americano he bought you. When you finally made eye contact with him, you slowly stood up. “You can’t leave someone just to be with someone else. I know you’re not that kind of person. We just needed closure, Jaemin. This is our last chapter. Let’s close our book together. I pray that your new beginning will be filled with happiness, comfort, and warmth. Let this ending of ours be the bloom of your beginning,” and you walked away, with the hope that this closure would heal your heart of losing your ‘almost’.
“... may you find the serenity that my presence couldn't give to you.”
pairing: minghao x gn!reader
genre: angst
summary: he’s tired of hurting you and decides that it’s best if he leaves, not knowing that will hurt you more.
warning: cursing
wc: 1.2k
“Y/n, please. Let me go,” he said softly, almost sounding like a murmur. You remained silent as you stared back into his eyes, hoping against hope for a glimpse of affection. You’re not holding him, as much as you wanted to, so you know he meant it literally. “I can’t, Hao. I want to fight for us. It’s okay if you can’t. Just… Just let me try to be strong for both of us,” you took a step forward, reaching out to hold his hand, just for him to step back. “Don’t touch me, you’re making it harder than how it should be, Y/n,” it sounds harsher than what he intended, seeing how your expression became more hurt, he felt like he was punched in the gut. “I want the best for us, Y/n. I can’t keep hurting you. Hurting us. I’m letting you go so you’d be happy,” his eyes were fixed on the floor, hoping you won’t notice his vulnerability.
“Hao, did I do something that hurt you? Please tell me so that I can fix it. Please, my love… We promised to hold tight and never let go, no matter what. I…” the words spilling from you are now incoherent, and you’re not stopping, desperately wanting Minghao to understand how badly you wanted this to work. “I’m the one who hurt you. And those fucking hurts. You can’t keep on pretending just to protect this relationship. You can’t keep on hurting yourself and your feelings, and act like everything is fine just because you wanted to take care of mine!” he shouted, but his tired eyes were different from before, not from rage, but from guilt. “I’ll stop doing that, I’ll be more open about what I feel, so let’s go home and…” you keep on saying things that Minghao can’t even comprehend because he can’t take it. He just stares at how shattered you are while trying hard not to embrace you. Once again, he made the love of his life brokenhearted. “Y/n,” he called, yet you still don’t stop talking. “Y/n.” he repeated, this time a bit louder, snapping you back to the current situation. Not knowing when, Minghao is standing right in front of you. You’re holding back from touching him, not wanting him to distance himself again.
“I hate it when you call me by my name,” because you love it when he calls you sweet names, ‘baby’, ‘love’, and… ‘my universe’. You feel so distant whenever he calls you by your name, and not even a nickname, just purely your name. He hesitated before speaking up again, “I believe that you’ll find someone better-” “Fuck that, Hao. What the fuck with hoping I’ll end up with someone else when I only want you? You’re making me feel like… you don’t want me,” the way your heart clenched while saying it makes your head dizzy. “Do you think I'm letting you go because I don't love you? I love you more than what you could imagine. I just can't offer you the genuine happiness I wanted you to have. Can't you see? I'm pure poison to you,” you tried to hold his hand once again, and surprisingly, he let you. “You're never poison to me, my love. You’ll always be my escape, my medicine, my solution, and my home.” Your eyes move from staring into his eyes to your linked hands when you feel him tightening them. “You’re lying to yourself again. You’ll find comfort and warmth from someone who deserves you,” upon hearing this, you can’t even raise your head, “You deserve me, Hao. Even if you think there’s someone who can give more than you, why can't you be the person? Why can’t you be my person?” and that’s when you feel droplets. It’s raining.
“You’re so blinded by what you choose to believe. I’m hurting you.” his firm voice turns shaky. You hate how this makes you feel. He’s the one who’s blinded. You feel like he focuses too much on the dark side that he forgot to even realise there’s bright side too. “Hao, do you not love me as much as you always say?” and he answered exactly what you expected, “That’s what you don’t understand. I’m letting you go because I love you so much. This is the best. For you, Y/n.”
This is not fair. Who is he to decide what’s best for you? And the worst is, it’s not even a good decision! You love him so much and you’re willing to do anything. For him, for the sake of both of you. But why is he leaving? Why does he think that is the best solution, and ironically, he claimed it’s for you, when you never even thought of leaving him once. “I think I can decide on my own, Hao. If you’re bad for me, I’d leave you willingly, without you telling me to. I don’t know. I hate the fact that I really feel like you’re leaving me for your own sake,” with shaky breath, you continued, “It’s okay. I love you so much. If this is the best for you, I’ll accept it. I’m so sorry. I’m so…” the words can’t escape your mouth. It’s raining, you both are crying while holding hands, but from your perspective, you thought it was droplets of rain on his face, because Minghao remained expressionless, hoping this will make it easier for you to hate him, though what he doesn’t realise; you’ll never hate him, no matter what he did.
From Minghao’s perspective, he’s trying so hard not to embrace you. Even holding your hand was out of his control, because he promised to himself not to make this hard for himself and most importantly, you. “It’s not your fault, Y/n. It never will. I’m the problem here. I hurt you a lot, so I’ll put an end to your pain.” you smiled weakly, and you disentangled your fingers, and funny enough, you swear that his hand hesitant to let go. “Hao, you don’t need to explain. Like I said, I’ll accept it. It’s okay. But promise me, please. Be happy. Find yourself again. Take care of yourself, I love you so much, Hao. May you find the serenity that my presence couldn’t give to you.” Letting him go was never what you wanted. You were going to persuade him that you’ll fight for both of you. But you slowly understand that he needed this. He needed to put an end to his pain. You didn’t even want to hear his response, too afraid that you’ll be selfish again, by asking him to stay when he decided that he wanted to leave. Maybe it is the best for you. Or maybe, you’re just validating everything that he did to you, because you really love him, and you know at some point, he loved you too. When you disappeared from his sight, that’s when he replied,
“You’re the only serenity I need. I’m sorry I need to do this. Please hate me, please never call and say you miss me. I’m afraid I’ll pick up. I love you so much more, my universe.”
⭑ lvfrstar’s note: let’s be real this happened to a lot of you guys irl too right?!?! btw this is my first work here, i’m so happy to release it heheee <3
