synopsis: you fucked up and got hurt on a mission trying to save jason, but he was too busy fuming that it went wrong to notice how you were bleeding out.
a/n: this is my first jason fic :p
walking back to the batcave felt like utter agony.
the sides of your ribs pulsating and the gash under the bottom right rib was burning. but you almost forgot about it with how loud jason was screaming at you.
almost.
jason tosses his mask onto the couch unceremoniously and continues his rant that had been going on for half an hour now, âdo you have any fucking idea how royally you just fucked up?!â
now that you were in the batcave, you just felt tired. exhausted and in need of sleep. maybe, even a trip to bruceâs liquor stash.
you blink at him, shifting closer toward the couch, itching to sit down, âi know i fucked up-â but heâs not having it.
jasonâs voice gets even louder, stampeding over yours, âyou know?! well then why the hell did you do it?!â
âi-i donât know i just did it okay,â you huff, voice trembling slightly.
trying to stifle any sound that you were in pain from rising. you knew damn well why you let it happen and let those loser goons spot you.
you and jason were out on patrol and happened to stumble upon the group of goons running the cocaine batman had been looking for months for. you had them cornered until they had the shot of jason from the building directly behind him and they threatened to take the shot if you didnât let them take the drugs.
itâs not like youâd let those fuckers have the drugs and resell them throughout gotham. no. but you werenât gonna let them shoot jason either and thatâs what got you hurt. after he shifted from behind jason to grab the duffle bags of cocaine being exchanged, you lunged back towards him, slicing through the bag. and in anger, he sliced through you. that was enough for the rest of them to chase after you while you shouted for jason to, âfucking run todd!â
he hasnât shut up about it since then.
his jaw clenches as he steps closer to where you hovered over the couch armrest, âyou lead those assholes right to us, i need to know why,â
you slip onto the couch, keeping a firm hand to the stab wound, âi didnât mean for them to follow us, they just did!â
âfor a smart girl, jesus, you do some idiotic things sometimes!â he moves even closer, towering over you now. you nod as you sink into the couch.
at this point you were hardly listening, just trying to keep yourself upright and awake. you were a little surprised to how he didnât notice you holding your side, but maybe it was your black and red suit masking the blood seeping through it or maybe jason was just to mad to care. either way way, you keep nodding at him, trying to get rid of him so you could lay down.
he furrows his brows, âwhat the fuck are you nodding at me for?â to which you didnât have an answer.
he shifts closer, âyouâre really gonna mess up patrol, nearly have us killed, and then lay on the couch? like you did nothing?â
biting back a seething wince, you retort, âwhat do you want me to say jason⌠i know i messed up, iâm sorry, can we move on?â leaning your head back on the couch, letting it rest on the edge of the headrest. you let out a soft groan from the stretch but he doesnât notice, still too angry to realize.
you knew you were being stubborn by not telling him, but jason was being a complete ass too. you also knew him well enough that he would be even more pissed at you for not telling him what happened in the first place.
it was like a cycle at this point, and youâd recognized how he could filter through them and ultimately end on self depreciation. first heâd get mad, then heâd get sad, finally heâd reach his crescendo of brooding that made you question if you should make him finally see a therapist. of course he wouldnât let you though, he was convinced reading something on psychology would probably be better. because, he was just as stubborn as you after all.
and honestly, at this point, you were damn exhausted and wanted him to shut up so you could lay down.
but alas, heâs standing over you now, finger in your face.
âwhy the hell did you do it then hmm? you led those dickheads right to us! they fucked with my damn bike!â he pouts slightly.
you canât help but huff out a laugh, biting the inside of your cheek when it rumbles your stomach, âyou care more for the bike then? donât worry toddy, iâll get you a new one.â your head lolling back again.
âjust give me a minute would you? you can use mine for now.â you vaguely gesture to the key in your pocket but are too lazy to pull it out.
thinking you were just being cheeky, he moves closer, grabbing your chin. his grip was not hard. it was just enough to make you face him.
âah ow, fuck jason!â you exclaim, pushing at his grip but it tightens.
he brings his face close to yours, âthe next time you pull that shit on patrol, it will be your last,â his eyes briefly flicker to your lips, where you were biting hard enough to draw blood.
your hand slips from your wound before pressing back in and hissing at him, just enough for it to be mistaken for just a sneer at his attitude.
the hot headed idiot still doesnât notice.
âyouâre not even sorry are you? we blew the operation and youâre still,â he eyes you shamelessly and scoffs, âsmug as ever.â
you pull your chin from his grip. his hand lingers there, following your movement and gently grazing your face. his thumb swiping away the drop of blood youâd drawn from biting your lip too hard. as if taking in your appearance for the first time, his eyes flicker to your lips again.
âwhyâre youâŚâ he trails off looking you up and down, âare you okay?â his demeanour completely shifting.
his eyes shift up to yours and he looks at you with less anger.
was it concern?
âwhat happened?â he deadpans.
ânothing,â you shift uncomfortably, not used to the proximity with him.
his hand near your face stays in the air, hovering. he narrows his eyes and stares for a moment. then, suddenly heâs sitting next to you and touching up and down your arms trying to feel for something wrong with you. you donât answer him, he sighs.
âwhy wonât you ever just give me a straight answer?â
âoh god, please just spare me the fake caring act alright? iâm here because i want the black mask gone as much as bruce does,â you say with a bitter tone.
you and jason had never really gotten along. he was always reserved and didnât have patience, rushing into things without thinking them through first. jason would head into a gunfight with nothing but his fists just to feel something.
but so would you. and maybe thatâs why he scared you so much.
he reminded you of yourself.
he scoffs at you, anger seething from his tone, âwhat makes you think i donât care huh?â
you blink at him, knitting your brows together. fingers still pressing into the wound thatâs sending white hot flashes up your body, âi know you donât care let alone like me todd, so just save that shit for someone whoâd believe you.â
he shifts roughly on the couch, causing it to dip slightly and you groan softly as it makes you move too.
he notices this time.
âyouâre hurt,â he states rather than asks you.
you do your best to glare at him, âiâm fine,â he immediately interrupts, âlike hell you are.â
âdonât change the subject jason.â
âme? youâre the one trying to confuse me!â he throws his hands up exasperated, âlook okay, i do care. more than you know.â
âyou sure have a funny way of showing it,â you mutter and he brings his ear closer to your lips.
âwhat was that? youâre mumbling sweetheart, say it with your chest,â heâs practically pressing his ear to your face.
you knew what he was trying to do, cause itâs what he always does to get you to stop ignoring him. heâs trying to annoy you. trying to get a reaction out of you.
typical of someone with brothers.
you shove him away from you with your gloved hand, weaker than usual so it hardly moves him.
âi said you treat me like shit. so excuse me for thinking you donât care about me,â you say staring right at him, faces far enough to see every feature but close enough to feel his breath against your cheek.
âand youâre a cunt,â you say finally, just wanting to get that bit out.
he barks out a laugh and rests his hand on your thigh. the action sending shivers down your spine. almost distracting you from the pain.
almost.
until jason moves abruptly again.
his hand wraps around your shoulders as he pulls you into a side hug, the movement pulling on the muscles and the skin of your wound. it felt like a dagger was being dragged down your ribs and salt was poured directly inside. a metallic taste floods your mouth immediately. but you show no indication of your suffering. not yet.
âthings like this arenât easy for me okay,â he admits and you freeze.
was jason talking about his feelings?
âgâgo on,â you prompt him, not feeling confident enough to speak right now and also wanting him to open up to you more.
he sighs, âi care⌠okay? i care a lot more than iâd like to admit.â
you keep staring at him, partially because youâre worried if you say something, you might make him stop. also because you didnât know if it would come out as a pained groan.
he takes your silence as an invitation to keep speaking because jason doesnât like awkward air hanging between them. he lets go of you and runs his hand through his hair.
âi didnât mean to get mad at you, you justâyou just frustrate me okay!â
you nod again as if you were understanding and he continues.
âyou question me and push my buttons, and try to take shots for me like iâm not a grown man whoâs literally come back from the dead!â he says his voice growing a little louder, âand today you did it again! you blew our cover and you donât even have the decency to tell me why, so iâm forced to assume youâre just fucking with me again.â his voice softens at the end.
âjason, i swear, i only blew it cause i knew it was gonna end badly alright,â you say and sit up straighter, the feeling of sharp pain being pushed up your side and down your spine, you settled back down, âyou have to believe me.â you say through partially gritted teeth.
he looks at you like heâs pleading with you now, âiâm trying to, but youâre still lying to me. i know it.â his irises blown wide, âitâs not easy for me⌠to trust i mean.â
your gaze softens at the sight of him.
his vulnerability was rare.
âokay, fâfine,â you say forcing yourself to sit completely upright with the support of your free hand, the one clutched to your wound on the opposite side to him, âthey were gonna kill you. alright?â
he laughs humourlessly, âkill me? yeah, iâm sure, they could try though. iâd like to see it,â you roll your eyes at his confident demeanour.
âno asshole, they had a gun. on you. you just didnât see it cause you were too busy watching me,â you finally admit, letting the reality sink in for him.
he thinks on it, you swear you can see the gears turning in his head.
âthatâs why you ran at me? why there was powder on your knuckles?â he says softly.
when you nod, his eyes soften, âyou didnât want them to have the drugs either so you cut through their coke supply didnât you?â you nod again.
he runs a hand through his hair, the white streak bouncing back forward onto his forehead.
âi guess you want me to thank you now huh? for saving me?â he says reluctantly. he was used to people doing things only as favours for him. always wanting something in return.
he was used to being used. his interactions before you were mostly transactional.
you shake your head, âno, i just want you to understand. iâm sorry i blew our cover but iâm not sorry for how i did it.â
he blinks at you and then purses his lips. letting the truth sink in and tangle with his reality.
you saved him.
you care too.
he smiles to himself then to back up at you, taking your hand in his. slowly, he brings your hand up to his lips, pressing the soft plump skin of his lips to the gloved leather of your hand.
âthank you, princess.â
the action makes your breath hitch, butterflies fluttering in your stomach. his irises blown out in adoration.
you push that feeling down and ignore the blood rushing to your core.
you abruptly stand and clear your throat, âyouâre uh, youâre welcome. iâm gonna go change.â and you leave him there as quickly as you could.
your body protesting as you stride hard away, ignoring the burning in your stomach and the feeling of jasonâs lips having touched your skin.
jason stays there, watching you walk toward the bathroom, dumbfounded. youâre already down the hall and closing the door when he quietly murmurs.
âand iâm sorry.â
the cut wasnât too deep and the bleeding had stopped. at least.
youâre sitting on the floor of the bathroom, your black suit already pushed down to your hips as you bite off a piece of thread.
youâd been struggling to thread the needle for almost 20 minutes now, groaning quietly to yourself when it would miss again. your fingers were trembling at this point and stained as your gloves laid on the tiled floor.
with shakily hands, you finally give up on threading it and opt for stapled stitches.
whatever right? same shit?
you pull out bruceâs first aid kit from the cabinet and rummage through it. you know he has it, youâve seen alfred use it on him before. but even bruce winced when alfred stapled his wounds shut and you knew that if he was wincing, you might as well be screaming.
your fingers dance over the plastic holding the metal stapler. you unwrap it. blooding covering everything you touch, but you werenât worried about that now, you can clean it up after.
you pick up the leathered glove and stuff it in your mouth, biting down to muffle your sounds.
hands still trembling, you slowly pull the skin taut and groan into the glove. you press the metal to the skin and close your eyes, knowing itâs probably not a good idea to close them now but you know itâs about to hurt. then take a deep breath, clicking the staple down quickly. sharp steering pain shoots up your body, lingering through your fingers.
you did not know what you were doing at all.
you canât help the yelp you make as the first staple closes down and the glove slips from your teeth. the whimpers that leave your throat were quiet. soft and barely audible.
but jason still heard them.
jason is on the couch, staring at his red mask heâd thrown there earlier.
he was beating himself up for being mean to you when youâd been trying to help him. he was also trying (and failing) to not think about how youâd basically just shut him down.
he bites the inside of his cheek.
a sound in the bathroom distracts him from his thoughts. he turns his head immediately when he hears a whimper.
soft and muffled, but he hears it.
heâs on his feet, stealthily moving towards the door. he knocks when he hears another muffled sound.
he calls out your name, âyou okay?â
you call back from behind the door, âfâfine,â your voice shaky enough for red flags to raise in his mind. he presses a hand to the door. thoughts racing. he asks the first question on his mind.
âyou on your period?â he scratches his head with his other hand.
you snicker despite the pain, ânoâŚâ
âtaking a shit?â
you laugh again. this time ending it with a wince.
he furrows his brows, knowing youâre hiding something, âfuck it, iâm coming in regardless.â
you panic, the room was not nearly clean enough for him to come in without suspecting a thing.
you yell out before he can twist the knob, ânoâyes, i am. iâm on my period and iâiâm taking a dump jason, stay out thereââ
but itâs no use.
you forgot to lock the door and he pushed it open.
his eyes land on you and they immediately drop to the sight on your torso. his mouth gaping at you as you sit on ground, a bloodied metal stapler in your hands. fingerprints of blood across the white tiles and staining your hands.
it looked like a fucking crime scene.
âjesus, why didnât you say something?â he kneels next to you, taking the stapler from your shaky hands. heâs being extra gentle. careful not to move you.
âi didnât wanna worry you,â you breathe out, brows knitting together at his genuine concern. your hand rests on your leg now that he took the stapler.
âand this? why are you using this? i couldâve stitched you up properly,â he shakes his head head, stammering, âfuck, did this happen because of me?â
when you donât answer he sucks in a breath, already knowing the answer and shifts closer to you. he gently touches the skin around the wound and winces as if it hurt him too.
you huff out a weak laugh, âsorry, iâm making a lot of mistakes today.â
he shakes his head and shifts even closer to you, âshut up.â his hands move, one under your knees and one to your back, lifting you off the ground. keeping you close to his chest, he stands.
he walks out of the bathroom door and further down the hall, reaching his bedroom. he gently places you on his bed. a fuzzy grey blanket greets your aching skin as you settle on something soft rather than the hard cold floor. heâs careful not to agitate your wound.
âdonât move,â he warns before giving you one last look, disappearing in his closet. you werenât about to protest. you drop your head back on his pillow, breathing in the scent of him lingering from the comforter. the faint scent of him lingers in the room and greets your nostrils, you canât help but revel in it.
he returns a moment later with supplies in his hands, his suit pushed down to his hips. a black compression shirt peeking out.
âiâm gonna stitch this up properly alright?â you nod and he starts working.
leaning over you and moving with practiced precision, he stitches you up like he knew exactly what to do. he takes the single staple you had put in out with a tool you didnât quite understand. telling you to squeeze his hand when it hurts too much but he takes your hand without you having to. he had been taking care of his own wounds for years, so he really did know what he was doing. and he was much gentler than you were being to yourself earlier.
he looks up to make sure he wasnât hurting you every few seconds. eyes threatening to water at the sight of you getting hurt, for him. he works quickly stitching you up, trying not to prolong it for you. he knew youâd been in pain and covering it up for him and you knew how in his head he could get.
gently removing the dried blood around the wound, he pulls out a piece of gauze and a bandage, carefully wrapping the wound.
âthere. all done.â his hand lingers on your hip a moment too long before straightening himself upward.
he moves to get off the bed.
âwait, jay,â the nickname makes him freeze and turns toward you, âiâm sorry.â
he seats himself back down fully, still on the edge of the bed, âwhat do you have to apologize for? i was a dick to you and here you were, taking a knife to the rib for me.â his words laced with malice toward himself.
you huff, âi did that, not you. you didnât know,â he says nothing so you continue, âand i meant for earlier, when you were being vulnerable with me.â
he gulps at your words.
âpfft, its fine. donât worry,â he starts, trying to downplay it but youâre not having it.
âno, dammit, itâs not fine. you were being honest and i was just avoiding it,â you admit, stepping out of the your avoidant tendencies you both had.
he raises a brow, âand what were you avoiding exactly?â
âthat i care too jay. maybe a little too much.â
he stares at you for a moment, contemplating. then his hand moves to take yours, squeezing gently when he laces his fingers with it.
âwhatâs wrong with caring about eachother?â
you blink at him sitting up against the headboard right now. both your hands still clutched together, âi dunno, i guess i just thought you hated me before.â
he shakes his head, shifting himself closer to you, knees brushing against yours, âi could never hate you princess.â
âyou donât hate me?â
he shakes his head in response.
âi thoughtâi thought you didnât like me or maybe cassandra had a problem with me since we always have missionsââ he cuts you off.
âwhat does cassandra have to do with any of this?â he says coldly.
âarenât you guys like⌠a thing?â you genuinely ask. youâd been suspecting them together for months, and they definitely seemed comfortable.
his response is immediate, âfuck no. what? what would give you that impression⌠i donât like her at all.â exaggerating with his faked scoffs.
âwell donât go belittling her now⌠i just thought you were together.â you sigh, feeling embarrassed for suspecting them together.
he presses his lips together before giving you a stern look staring like he was reading your mind. he knew you too well, maybe better than you knew yourself.
he shifts one of your legs to the side, maneuvering you gently by your knee, before settling himself between them. you gasp softly but donât stop him. his hands shift from yours to your hips, making mindless circles as his eyes bore into yours.
you could see them softening at the sight of you.
you could feel his demeanour shifting at your proximity.
âitâs always been you.â his irises blown out just like before when he was watching you.
âm-me?â stammering your words and he confirms it with a nod, trailing his hands up to your waist.
holding you there.
âyeah, you. itâs always been you,â a soft kiss to your cheek sends a shiver down your spine.
then works his way down.
his lips trail down your jaw then to your neck, pulling out a soft moan.
âjason,â the heat pooling between the two of you. he smiles against your neck and you can visualize his expression without even seeing his face.
âtell me you donât want me. tell me to stop. iâll stop right now.â
then he looks back up at you and you bite you lip. jason looked so beautiful, his skin flushed slightly, voice dripping with desire. he smiled at you and you felt your heart skip a beat.
it was rare.
and god it was a beautiful sight.
âi want you,â the breathless words come out effortlessly, even though heâd barely touched you.
like a moth to a flame, he wastes no time crashing his lips into yours. he breathes you in deeply and moans into your mouth. rough calloused hands work gently as they trail up to hold your head in place. the gasp that escapes you is utilized as an invitation to put his tongue inside, slipping against yours as his fingers lace through your hair and tug to open you up more. heâs slowly getting more aggressive with his kisses, like a man starved. you could feel him shaking with the anticipation, or maybe it was him holding back. you couldnât tell and you didnât care right now. the only thing on your mind was him.
he lays you back down on the mattress and you drag him down with you by the neckline of his shirt. he stays between your legs, careful not to put his weight on you, momentarily parting from you but you pull him back down harder, biting his bottom lip between your teeth. like a promise.
he groans so beautifully.
finally, he pulls back. heavy panting and lips swollen.
âfuck baby,â his pink lips stayed parted as he took sharp gulps of air. youâd made him breathless.
you stare back up at him. with his cheeks slightly reddened and his lips swollen from kissing you too hard. you canât help but bite your lip. he groans again at the sight.
âdonât do that,â he almost whines, ânot when i canât really have you right now.â
âwho says you canât have me?â you retort, your hand moving up to the nape of his head, holding him there.
he hisses at the feeling, âme, i do. iâm not risking hurting you.â
this time you groan and let go of his hair, âiâm a grown woman jason, i will be fine. iâm telling you that i want you.â
he stares down at you, his hair draping over his forehead as he leans over you, âiâm not fucking you like this. not until youâre healed.â
youâre about to protest again when he shifts down to the balls of his feet, hands grazing over your thighs.
âbut i never said i couldnât make you feel good.â
you feel heat rise to your cheeks as he pulls his black shirt off and reveals his toned abs. mouth watering at the sight.
you have seen him shirtless before, but not like this.
your eyes follow the faint lines of his autopsy scars.
you snap back to what heâs about to do when he hooks his fingers into the fabric of your suit. he tugs the fabric at your hips and starts dragging it down.
âjason, you really donât have to,â you start, watching him pull the suit completely off your legs and tossing it to the floor. it falls on top of his black shirt.
âi want to.â
he immediately presses kisses to the inside of your knee, âiâve wanted to for a long, long time.â his lips dragging up your inner thighs.
you let out a soft whimper when he reaches a sensitive spot. he purposefully sucks the skin there, leaving a love bite. you arch off the bed and his hands drag up your body, gripping at your hips to keep you from moving too far.
âyouâre so beautiful,â he breathes against your skin, moving his lips to your bare stomach, âso gorgeous.â he licks down to the trim of your panties.
his fingers hook themselves with your panties and pull them down slowly. he sucks in air with every new inch of you he can see. his tongue darts out and wets his lips. once he finally pulls them off, he tucks them in his back pocket.
âfuck, youâre hot,â he says staring down at you laid out for him.
you giggle and his eyes flicker back up to yours, coming up to kiss you again. more passion and desire evident in his kisses now, before he moves to settle back down on his knees for you.
he pushes your legs apart again, ghosting his breath over your core. his stomach nearly flat on the bed while heâs looking up through his lashes, âyou can still tell me to stop okay? at any point.â
you run a hand down your stomach and up through his hair, he leans into it, âjason, iâm not running away.â
you make sure heâs looking at you when you speak, âi want you.â
eyes full of desire and heat. he gives you a grin and kisses the skin on your lower stomach.
âgood,â and he licks a stripe up your core and you jolt up.
âfâfuck,â you gasp out as he continues, groaning into you. he licks up again, eyes never shifting from yours.
he wants to drink in every reaction, every gasp, every moan.
he doesnât wanna miss any of it.
âyou taste so fucking good,â he moans into you as you arch your back again, gripping his hair tighter. heâs groaning into you and lapping at you with a purpose, like this was more for him than for you.
âtâthis isnât fair,â you whine.
he chuckles, the sound rumbling and vibrating through your core.
âwhatâs not fair?â he stops moving his mouth on you and suddenly bites your inner thigh. you gasp again, âhmm? tell me? cause i can tell you whatâs not fair.â
he dives back in, eating you out like heâs starved.
writhing beneath him, one of his palms flat on your stomach to keep you from running away.
he speaks between licks, grinning up at you like this was his new favourite task, âyou shouldnât be taking hits for me, thatâs whatâs not fair.â his hands cup your ass and pull you in closer to him like he couldnât possibly get enough, âyouâve been holding this out from me, and thatâs really not fair.â
moaning out, both of your hands now reach down for his hair. begging at this point, âjay, oh god, please.â
he hums appreciatively into you as you whimper at how the vibrations feel against you.
âyeah?â he parts again for a moment. âplease what, princess?â you look down to see the devilish grin on his face, his chin glistening with the essence of you. he looked so good you couldâve came right there.
oh my god, heâs gonna be the death of me.
âplease donât stop,â you breathe out staring down at him through glossy eyes. he already had you where he wanted you.
âyou donât have to worry about that, pretty girl. iâm not going to stop,â he turns his head and places gentle kisses to your palm that juxtapose to when he leans back in, sucking at that bundle of nerves that make you cry out.
he softly takes it between his teeth, still staring up at you with his pretty eyes. he tugs and watches you squirm, sucking it in again and groaning, knowing its effect on you.
letting go with a little pop, he shifts back down to where you wanted him the most. a breathy moan escapes you again, panting out soft calls of his name as he works you. his palms rub at your backside as he works his muscle into you.
then without warning, he slips a finger in and your head drops back into the mattress, unable to watch him anymore. heâs like a man on a mission, trying to get you there like he would die if he couldnât. one of his hands snake between you and he runs circles around your clit. the reaction is immediate, you grip his hair so tight, you thought you might rip his hair out. but you didnât care and neither did he. he moans into you, rutting himself into the mattress. another finger slips in effortlessly and you moan obscenely.
the pressure was building fast. he was lapping at you as if it was the only meal on earth and he had been starving. his eyes remains on yours as his thumb rubbed faster.
and faster.
âcome on, give it to me,â he pants into you, not stopping his ministrations.
he kept grinding into the mattress as he worked you harder, chasing his own high. but you were already there, tears forming and your body convulsing. pushing his head further down on you as he worked you through the high.
he was relentless, not stopping until you finally came just like he wanted. he moans against you again and his hips falter, stopping their movements.
his mouth didnât stop though, kittening licking at you until you were practically crying at the stimulation and pushing his head away. finally he pulls from you, with a few wet kisses up to your lower stomach before he looks back up to you.
you waste no time pulling him up into a kiss, not caring for the taste of you on his lips. the kiss was slower, like he was trying to memorize the feeling of you.
when you parted, you finally took in how flushed he was, how worked up you made him.
you reach down for him and his hand stops you immediately.
âno, tonight was about you,â he says still breathless, a satisfied smile lingering on his handsome face.
âbut what about you?â you protest, trying to reach again but he doesnât let you.
his fingers lace with yours again.
âoh trust me, iâm okay,â he gestures sheepishly to the wet stain on his crotch. your eyes widen in realization.
he got off on getting you off.
you smile so wide, it might look like it hurts. then you pull him back down into a sweet kiss. he returns it, deepening the kiss impossibly before you pull back to speak.
synopsis: Stark Industries took everything from you, and you're determined to get your revenge backâby killing Tony Stark. The plan was simple: infiltrate the Avengers, gain trust and get Tony alone. You didn't anticipate how you'd fall for Bucky Barnes, having to break his heart in the worst way possible. Years later, you're faced with him again, but if you can't forgive yourself, how can he?
tags: ANGST. slowburnish. betrayal. hurt!comfort. smut; hatefucking, crying during sex. reader is morally grey. violence; mention of blood, guns. panic attack. trauma bonding. kinda found family. unreliable narrator.
a/n: life got in the way but hey, Iâm back! This is not proofread, and i need to get this out cause itâs consuming me and i kinda hate it but fuck it, we ball. Glossing over the blip here so itâs left more for interpretation.
If anyone knew how to ruin something good, it was you.
All that you had to do was get inside and make friends with some of the people in the Avengers tower. But the mighty Avengers were a group of saps, and that made your plans so much harder to carry out.
They practically melted for you.
Against your better judgment, you let yourself into their lives. Everyone there loved you, and you let them think you did too. Even though deep down a part of you wanted to let it be real, you remind yourself of what they lacked, and what you'd lost in the face of these so-called âheroes."Â
At first, Steve was the one who felt the most for you. He took pity and empathized with you like a kindhearted moron, thinking he'd made a grave discovery and recognized the potential you posed for the team. As if you didn't plan for that to happen all along and planted that seed in his mind the moment he met you.
You were trained for this kind of manipulation, and you weren't going to feel bad for it, not when you had something to achieve and no one to fall back on.
With nothing to lose, what's a little heartbreak?
You told them of your parents' passing when you were young, leaving you with no family other than the immediate ones who were already dead. What you didn't tell them was how they were killed, just brushing it off as something that happened too young for you to remember. Though you knew it all too well, and you were there for a reason.Â
You let Steve take credit for your idea of becoming an Avenger, and they all fell perfectly for your little plan.Â
It was Steve who introduced you to Tonyâthe man you were there to kill.Â
You put on a fake smile and tucked your hands behind you, keeping yourself from inching forward and carrying out your mission. You'd spent so many years of your life having Tony's image drilled into your mind as the villain who was posing himself as a hero, telling yourself that he was utterly deserving of the smear campaign you originally planned to put him through. That was before you got close to the team. Before you landed on the idea of killing him, because you were finally close enough. The proximity that joining the team allowed you, it tempted you regularly, but you had to wait for the right moment. Pretending like you didn't hate Tony's guts was probably the hardest part.Â
You infiltrated their trust and broke into their space. You took root inside their lives from the inside, and they welcomed you in with open arms. Like the perfect orchestration of a gorgeous tune, you drew the trap and they all fell inside, letting the kindness you showed them translate into trust and love. But you? You played the greatest trick on yourself.Â
The grandest part of the scheme was the relationships you formed and the love you pretended to have for too long. Until that became real, because the truth was, you were never faking.
Bruce offered up his friendship and Clint his home like you were one of their own. Far too trusting for people who were meant to be protectors and careful assessors of danger. It was hard to pretend like the warmth you felt wasn't real when Clint baked cookies with his family and brought you some, or when Natasha would peel an orange and hand you half quietly. Natasha made it infinitely harder to hate her when she'd train with you endlessly as though she wanted to prepare you for when she wouldn't be around. She became your closest thing to a best friend you were sure you ever hadâ until she died.
They were all family that you loved despite it all. You let yourself believe that maybe you could have some sense of normalcy, that you could let your guard down even a little bit, and you let too many people in.Â
Some people more than mostâ like Bucky.Â
You didn't plan on falling for Bucky; you didn't even want to pretend like you loved him until you really did. But you had your own plans, your own mission, and your own vengeance to achieve, so stepping on some toes and hurting some feelings didn't mean shit to you. Even if it was the man that you didn't mean to fall for, who was carrying the brunt of the bargain.Â
Bucky made it so hard to ignore him, with his soft smiles and his hand on your hip when you'd spar. His warm palm on your shoulder when you were out gazing on the balcony too long, and calling you to come inside for a cup of tea that he knew you would like. When your guard would fall, just for him, and he wouldn't push you for information, sitting in your silence with you. Because Bucky knew what it was like to get lost in your thoughts, and your mind is a war in itself.
Bucky watched you and knew you had your demons; he just hoped that in time you'd tell him about them. Slowly, you stopped calling him Barnes. You didn't know it yet, but you helped him take back his name, calling him James when others would call him Bucky.
Just being around him made you feel more humanâmore alive.
And damn him for making you care.
You hated how he made your heart flutter around him and your stomach drop when you'd worry for him. You shoved him into a wall once after he returned from mission, when he wouldn't answer you because he was occupied with disarming someone. One gruelling hour of him not responding over the comms on a mission you took as partners.
He came back to the jet with a few scratches on his face, but nothing major, and you still felt like you couldn't breathe at the thought of him not coming back. His chest heaved as you put a finger in his face, and his gaze seemed to soften in recognition that you were afraid, that you were scared of losing him.
It didn't take long for you to push him again and for him to catch your wrists, pulling you in, flush against him.
That was the first time he kissed you, swallowing your whimpered protest when youâd fisted his shirt and drawn him further into you. Desperately, you couldnât even pretend like you didnât want him once youâd touched. The two of you moved in unison toward the jet's couch as he walked you backwards, stripping you from your clothes without breaking the kiss. He lay you down like a careful art, taking his time while you calmed from the bottled-up emotions you refused to express out loud.
He loved you gently and softened the rough ends of his exterior so you could let yourself sit in the feelings that he also struggled to outwardly express. When you finally let him in and stopped pushing him away, he didn't just sleep with you, but he made love to someone for the first time since Hydra took him away. Truthfully, it was the first time he ever loved someone so deeply, and it scared him, but he knew it scared you too, so he let it consume him wholeâ for both of you. He did it again, and again, and he would've kept doing it if you'd let him.Â
Bucky took you apart and put you back together as though you were his favourite mystery, caressing you like a Goddess on Earth.
Every touch felt like a blessing and in his mind leaving any part of you untouched was a sin.
Leaving bites over the scars on your skin, buried under layers of clothes that no one else had touched this delicately. You were completely and undeniably his. Neither of you ever told anyone about it, and how he held you after missions went wrong or how you sat with him when his nightmares wouldnât let him sleep. Bucky never pushed you for anything more. He was afraid of you losing interest, so he tried to build your relationship silently.
When you wouldn't come out of your room for dinner, he'd bring it to you, cooking things he knew were your comfort food. He'd knock silently and linger there just to make sure you really did eat it. He made quiet dinners for just the two of you, leaving specks of food on his shirt or his brow as evidence of his labour.
After going to the bar with the team one night, and you drank too much, and he offered to take you home. You, however, were entirely wasted and couldnât give proper directions.
Bucky took you to an apartment that no one else knew he had and let you sleep it off there. Except you cried like a wounded, inconsolable child, and he felt the heaviness of your sorrow like it was resting on his chest. He gave you a key to keep going there the next day, and you never gave it back.Â
Part of you knows you'll always be his, even after you have to break his heart. He would unwrap you over and over again like a gift he was grateful to receive. He held you after it all, and you knew it wouldn't be the last time because of how safe you'd felt in his embrace. And Bucky knew from the moment Steve introduced you that he wouldn't be able to let you go. That you were and are the reason he'd wake up in the morning despite his nightmares and demons. You made it all worthwhile for him.
You fell hard for him, head over heels and disgustingly in love. But Bucky fell so much harder, unravelling for you after years of conditioning and trauma that ran deep. You chipped away at his walls by letting him love you and letting yourself love him back.
It wasn't because of your mission that you did it. You truly did care for him and you wanted to tend to his wounds that cut through his mind like a plague. It all happened so fast that you couldn't stop it. You couldn't help the way you loved him so deeply that you wanted any part of him you could have, even if it was for a little while. Even if the love was built on lies and deceit.
You knew that once he found out, nothing would be the same, and the two of you would never be able to go back. So you settled for now, stealing kisses between missions and meeting him in his bedroom when everyone else fell asleep. He settled for holding your hand under the briefing table and bringing you snacks that he knew you loved, even when you'd push him away.
Despite your reluctance, he wanted you the same way you wanted him. He would take any bits you offered him because, in his mind, he wasn't worthy of anything else â and you helped him break that barrier of self-deprication by loving his scars like your own.Â
It was Bucky Barnes who had to stop you when you cornered Tony in the lab. It was Bucky who caught you in the grand act of your plan and had to witness everything about your relationship crash and burn in front of him. You didn't want to do it like this, but you had no choice now.Â
After the annual Gala that Tony threw in honour of his father, Howard Stark, the sack of shit who mindlessly supplied weapons to the most immoral people across the country, and even larger weapons of destruction overseas. It didn't fucking matter that Tony didn't do it himself, but he was aware, and that was more than enough. Tony worked with his father, did demonstrations of his destructive weapons, and had years of experience helping with the supplies before he was abducted.
It took seeing the destruction, feeling the pain that had been felt for decades through his own suffering, for him to understand the gravity of the shit he was part of. The fact that he couldn't come to that conclusion without all of that unnecessary suffering that made your blood boil.
After he praised his father and Stark Industries' history at the Gala, you couldn't take it anymore.Â
You were getting too emotional.Â
So you followed him into the lab, using your stealth training to sneak in behind him, just before the doors would have locked. Using the training the team had helped teach you against him, you made your move. Your hand on your holster, you silently pulled it out and pointed it towards the back of his head, mind full of doubt and unsteady conviction that told you this was what you had to do.Â
His voice startled you as he was still facing the computers, "You've finally come to finish the job, huh?"Â
You scoff, gripping your gun a little tighter, "You knew that I was going to do this, and still you let me join."
Tony turns to face you, his hand still holding his glass of whiskey he'd been coddling all night. You were watching him while everyone else conversedâ while Steve asked if you were alright, and Bucky tried meeting your gaze. This anger was bright and intense, and it was all his fault. Maybe if he weren't alive, it might calm your thoughtsâÂ
"Well, it's taken you what? Over a year to muster up the courage to kill me. You really think I don't do intensive background checks, sweetheart? Go on then, take your shot." He brought his glass to his lips and drank, testing you. "But you know this is quite ironic, right?"Â
Tony was always skilled at this type of thing, riling people up and seeking a reaction.Â
Shoving the magazine into place fully, your finger danced over the trigger, "Don't tempt me, Stark. Iâve wanted to do this for a long time."
He steps closer to you, "then why the hell didn't you? You could have, hell, you probably should have done it before you got the rest of the team attached to you."
You didn't let your expression fall, remaining as stoic as you could as you spoke, "I'm only here for you."Â
Despite your differences and wanting him dead, you'd grown fond of Tony.
Tony says your name, the sound slightly slurred from drinking too much all night, which you were banking on. A hint of tenderness behind his voice, as though speaking to an old friend. Having him not entirely lucid would've made this easier, but alas, Tony was always even more talkative than usual when he was drunk.
"I know what Stark Industries did to your family and what they," he pauses to correct himself, "what we took. I know I'm not perfect, but you have to acknowledge that what you've done is evil just as the rest." Though his words felt harsh, he spoke as though he wanted you to know it was okay. That he understood. "Just tell me, is revenge what you truly want?"
You didn't trust your voice, so instead you nodded. He continues with the soft scoff, "Did you ever even really care?"
Your breath hitched as the words sank in. You did care, you cared so deeply that it hurt. Still, you let your hurt evolve and eventually involve the people you'd gotten to love. The people you were supposed to hate. But that didn't matter now; you knew you were too far gone. The only thing that should have been on your mind was killing the man in front of you for the crimes of his company. The crimes of his father and his father's father, even if you knew your judgment was bordering on playing God.Â
Taking on the role of judge, jury, and executioner, because someone had to, right? If you had to be somebody's villain, then fine, as long as you finally felt like you'd done something. Done anything to ease the pain of the younger version of yourself that lost so much and vowed to do something about it. You shift the weight of the gun in your hand and look back up into Tony's eyes, unrelenting on you.Â
You're about to answer him when the door slides open, shifting your focus from Tony and taking in the two men storming in. Bucky and Steve emerged in the midst of a conversation as they took in the scene before them and froze. Bucky's eyes immediately fell on you â gun in your hand, cocked and pointed at Tony. It was unmistakable that you had been playing them, but Bucky didn't want to believe it, not even when Steve put a hand to his shoulder and tried to keep him from moving closer to you.Â
He says your name, his voice careful and soft, "What are you doing?"Â
You take a shaky breath, trying not to meet his gaze and feigning unamusement, "What does it look like, Barnes?"
The sharpness of your tone made his brows knit into a pained expression. The use of his last name and not calling him James, like you usually would, punched him in the gut. You weren't here to coddle him or anyone else, including yourself. He says your name like he's pleading for you, and you shut your eyes, masking your emotions and swiftly swiping a forming tear away.Â
"Don't do this," his voice a pleading whisper as he inches closer to you, but you don't let him.
You ignore him and kick Tony in the back of the knee, knocking him over. You turn to face Bucky, just as he's about to touch you.
The gun turns to him, and he inhales sharply, his resolve crumbling, "baby."
"Don't," you try to hide the shakiness in your voice as Steve also inches closer, "don't call me that and just stay right fucking there. I'm not here for either of you, just Tony."
Bucky's face drops further, a bitterness forming in his mouth as he repeats your harsh words back, "you were never here for me," repeating after you like each word was ripping his throat raw as he said it, "you're here for Stark."
Reluctantly, you nod. This was your mission, this was the vengeance you needed since you were a child, and you'd gone and made it a hell of a lot harder. He nods back, the gears in his mind turning, and his breathing uneven. You knew his tells when he was nervous or in pain, or on the verge of an anxiety attack. This was the ladder, and you were fighting the urge to run to him and explain yourself, but there was no time. There was no point now.Â
You bite back the words; I love you, James. I'm so sorry. But you never say it.Â
You fire a single round next to where Steve was, making him flinch. Warning him to stop inching closer when he thought you were distracted. Tony looks up to Steve, and they both look at each other like they were asking the other what to do. But Bucky, his gaze never falters from yours. He watches you like he knew this would be the last time, and you swore you could hear his heart breaking. You lower your gaze from his.Â
"Both of you need to leave," taking cautious steps away from them and pointing the gun back at Tony.Â
"Like hell we are," Steve says as Buckys voice fails to find him.Â
Tony looks up at them, "Yeah, guys, listen to the lady. Save yourselves and leave. This is my fight. I made my bed, didn't I, sweetheart?"Â
"Shut up, Stark, we aren't leaving." Steve stands, and this time you let him. He says your name like he's reprimanding you, "You need to think about what you're doing, think about the team."
You say nothing, and Steve's eyes catch Buckys briefly. The frustration inside you boils over when Steve speaks again, "Think of how you're hurting Bucky."Â
"This isn't about him or us." The sharpness is heavily evident in your tone.Â
Bucky's voice seems to find him as your gaze meets accidentally his, his eyes glazed over like he was on the verge of tears, "Isn't it always about us?"Â
You don't respond, you can't.Â
His big, beautiful, blue eyes were blown out despite how little you seemed to care in this moment for his feelings, or how little you chose to show.
He sees your internal turmoil and inches closer, "Please, I love you. Don't do this."
You bite your lip to stop it from quivering. He hadn't ever admitted his feelings so raw to you, just shown it in a lack of the words he couldn't find just yet. You ignore the loud pattering of your heart as you press the barrel of the gun to his chest, and he just lets you, leaning into it and wrapping his hand around yoursâ not believing that you'd really shoot him.Â
You knew that after this, after killing Tony, Bucky would be far from loving you for what you had done. You weren't sure if you could even blame him for it. If you were in his shoes, you'd assume the same, that you had used him; his time, empathy, and courage to love again. If you were him, you'd hate yourself for making him love like this, and for what? Revenge? Peace of mind?Â
You made him feel utterly used all over again, even after he had exposed all his scars to you and told you about his past. You listened with open arms and welcomed him into your embrace, kissing his hands, both metal and flesh, and whispering to him that he was worthy. Breaking his walls down just to make him build them up even higher.Â
This is why you weren't supposed to let yourself get too close and too attached to the life you could've had with him and not the one for your own preservation. Vengeance had consumed you whole since the night your parents had died from a senseless attack carrying weapons etched with an Stark Industries on the barrel. How easily accessible these weapons became for people in your neighbourhood to find and purchase, and for worse individuals to buy in mass. All because the Stark family name had to be the top weapons manufacturer, no matter the cost and no matter the lives lost.Â
You thought of the bloodshed, of the killings and the destruction that they caused and your blood boiled again. All because Stark Industries didn't do background checks on who they sold their weapons to. Bloomed bright with intentful retribution, you had convinced yourself; this was the only way.Â
You let him lean in close, one last time. The familiar scent of him filled your lungs as he gazed into your eyes as though he were begging for you to snap out of it. But you were more yourself now than you had ever been, and you swallowed down the lump in your throat, inching a little closer to him.
"Then you're an idiot for loving me." You pulled your head back just enough to slam into his forehead and send him staggering a few feet backward, and he let your hand go. Before you knew it, he was focused on you again, whispering your name like a call to prayer.
Your hand moved too quickly for him to catch you, and you shot at Tony, striking him between the shoulder blades. Before Tony even falls over and grunts in pain, and Bucky grabs you. He knocks the gun from your hand and topples you over to the ground.Â
"Get off of me!" you thrash but he doesn't relent.
He hovers over you, his legs on either side of your body. He thinks he's successfully disarmed you, leaning over and giving you an emphatic look despite how harsh your words and tone was. Despite how you had just shot Tony right in front of him, proving your lack of loyalty to the team.
Desperately clinging onto the hope that you still love him, or that the love was ever real. You buck your hips up high, trying to get him off of you, but he was far heavier than you. You're thrashing beneath him, and he holds your left arm with his flesh one, the metal one caressing your faceâan action you helped him learn to do to prove every part of him was worthy to you.Â
Steve was holding Tony's wound tight to keep him from bleeding out, but the crimson was spreading fast. The blood is pooling and reaching where you and Bucky were.
Bucky's eyes were glazed over and teary, threatening to fall down his face. The same face that you had become so enamoured with.Â
"Please, baby, I don't wanna hurt you," he pleads.Â
But you do the one thing you knew would hurt him most. You reach up with your free hand, grazing over his metal arm like you used to, soft and tender with your gaze still on his, a reminder of your intimacy before ruining the trust between you.Â
"But I have to hurt you, James," you admit before a mechanical click shifts from beneath your fingertips and his arm dismounts his body, clattering to the floor.Â
He leans back off of you, his gaze falling to the vibranium arm before up to your face. Shocked and pained. His expression was beyond broken now, and you wanted so badly to take it back just as you did it, but this was how you made him hate you. A tear slips from his face and lands on your cheek as he stares down at you, never blinking, just staring in utter disbelief.Â
Your heart aches and hate yourself for what you were doing, but you seize the opportunity while he is distracted. Shoving Bucky off of you fully, and he doesn't do anything to stop you, his eyes remaining on where you were just lying beneath him. The warmth of your cheek lingering under his phantom arm as he looks to it.Â
You don't look back, you don't grab your gun off the ground, and you don't wish to meet anyone's gazeâespecially not Buckys.Â
You ignore whatever Steve was shouting to Bucky and stride your legs forward. Panting hard, you push yourself toward the glass windows, throwing a chair and causing it to shatter. You were prepared to jump when a bullet flies and grazes you in the side, coaxing a pained shriek from you as your legs work mindlessly, pumping and continuing to push you forward. Adrenaline fuels you as you glance briefly over your shoulder, just in time to see Bucky, with your gun in his hand and his expression utterly shattered like you'd never seen.Â
This couldn't be love, because love shouldn't hurt like this. Love shouldn't bleed like this.Â
He has to hate you now.
You turn back and leap through the broken glass, Buckys face the last thing on your mind as you descend from the tower. When Bucky ran to look over the edge of the shattered window, looking to where you had landed, you were already gone. The only thing you left behind was the pool of blood Tony was rasping in and a trail of yours, from the wound Bucky had given you.
New York quickly became the place you hated most, so you left the busy streets behind.Â
The following weeks left you on a manhunt, from the Avengers, law enforcement, and Bucky Barnes.Â
For the next several months, you avoided all places they frequented. After betraying all your friends, you didn't feel the most enthusiastic to return to any place they might be or risk incarceration. Especially not after attempting to kill Tony and finding out through news channels that he had died in a way that you hatedâ because it was honourable. He did the one thing you never thought he could, and was a hero in the very end.Â
This sent you into a spiral that felt endless, and you became a mess of yourself. You started to get sloppy and started seeking old comforts. Natasha's voice would play in your head, nagging you to watch your six and mind the corners of buildings when you crossed the street. She would be the voice of reason in your head when you reached for the phone with no SIM card in your bedroom drawer and contemplated using it to call Bucky.Â
She would play in your mind when you went to the deli with the sandwiches Bucky loved and bought his order just to imagine how it would feel to be him. How would it feel to be defiled by the woman you loved? To relearn love just to be used to get to someone else?
You would ruin your own appetite often, and you weren't sure if it was cause of your spiralling thoughts or the fact that you were hallucinating the voice of your dead best friend.Â
One winter night, you wore an old jacket that still smelled faintly like Bucky, missing his touch more than usual. Your hands shoved into your pockets, and the jacket zipped up high, covering your nose. You felt the cold metal of something in your pocket. With peaked interest, you pulled your hand out and stared at the key in your hand, the one to the apartment Bucky had. The one he hardly went to. In your mind, it felt like a sign to go there, to feel the air that you both once breathed together in and memorize the smells. You couldn't help it; your legs carried you there without considering the consequences.Â
Carefully, you unlocked the door with a swallow creak that echoed in the dark and nearly empty space. Bucky was never one for much decoration, so the apartment only had the necessary furniture and appliances and throw pillows you lent him that never went back home with you. Kicking your shoes off, you walked over to the kitchen, drawn by the hum of the refrigerator. Once you walked close enough, you froze. The fridge was open, the light still on.
Fuck, someone was here.Â
Your name is said so softly, so gently, spoken as though afraid it might scare you away. Like he wasn't sure if it was you or a dream. You already knew who it was without even seeing his face.
You turn slowly to meet his eyesâevaluating.Â
"James," you breathe, hands clenched inside your jacket pockets.Â
The look on his face made you feel all the more worse. His eyes were sunken in like he hadn't slept, red and rimmed. In his hand was a case file with your name on it.Â
"I thought you were really gone," the file drops to the floor as he reaches for your face, "I thought you were dead."Â
Not expecting him to touch you, you take his hand off of you, "I shouldn't have come here," you sputtered, moving out of the kitchen.Â
Bucky followed you out of the room, hot on your tail. You could feel the sharp daggers of his gaze prickling at your back.
He calls out after you, "Hey," you keep walking, ignoring him. he says your name, footsteps heavy after you, "I am talking to you, dammit!"Â
Still, you pretended not to feel his presence behind you, walking fast through the hallway. But he wouldn't let you get away from this conversation, not again, and he grabs you by your arm, pulling roughly. "Stop ignoring me," he spat out, glaring at you, "quit shutting me out, you left for months,"
"I can't do this right now, Bucky." you hiss
He flinches at that use of his name, grip tightening, "You can't do this right now, huh? You came here to what, then? Torment me further? Kill me like you tried with Stark? You leave me in the dark for seven months, and you're the one who can't do this right now?"Â
You pretend like his tone wasn't puncturing your heart and pull your arm, but he doesn't relent.
His eyes were piercing with intensity and frustration, "Do you have any idea what it's been like, wondering why you pretended to love me? Wondering why you left me like that when I would've given anything you wanted?" his voice rose quickly.Â
You try to interrupt him, "You don't understandâ"
"You're damn right, I don't understand! Fuck, why did you even come back here if you want to leave so badly? You wanted to disappear, so why come back?" His emotions rose in his tone.
You try again, mumbling his name, but he stops you, yanking you closer, "Shut up and fucking listen! For once in your life, listen to me!" his chest rises and falls, "You could've talked to me and told me what was going on, but instead you just ran!"
"You shot at me!" you counter.Â
"You took my arm off of me!" he practically screams your name at you, "If I wanted to fucking shoot you, we both know I wouldnât have missed.â
You gulp at the realization; he presses closer.
âYou used me to get to him, and you knew," his voice breaks, "you knew what that was going to do to me, and you did it anyway."
Everything in his face looked sunken in, like he wasn't taking care of himself since you disappeared. Suddenly, your surroundings overwhelmed you like skeletons in the closet. Dozens of empty cans of beer and bottles of whiskey. Even though he couldn't get drunk, it looked like he had desperately tried. Packages next to the front door, labelled in Sam's handwriting, urging him to eat something inside them. Cardboard boxes full of cases, papers etched over the ground from when he had been frantically rummaging through for any kind of clue.
You hadn't gotten to see just how affected he was until now, and it was eating you alive more than you had already been doing to yourself.Â
"You've ruined me. I'm ruined and you're here just to leave me, again." His thumb stroked your cheek lovingly and tenderly, while his words came out broken.
"The worst part is I would let you use me so long as you came back. Why wouldn't you come back for me?" his words sounding utterly broken and more of a statement than a question.
"I should have, James. I didn't mean for it to happen like thatâ"Â
He pushes you against the door to the bedroom, your back hitting it with a thud. Arms on either side as his hips press against yours, pinning you there.
"Don't. Just don't lie to me anymore," he rasps, "you did what you had to, right? You had to use me like a pawn, and I just rolled over for you."
You can't help how your words get lost on you, and you drown in the intensity of his sharp gaze. The tenderness in those blue eyes that you grew to love was gone, but still you desired him more than anything else, and you couldn't help how your eyes flickered over his perfect, plump lips. Even in this moment, you burned for him and only him. His gaze turns into something deeper, something between hurt and lust that you barely recognized. Everything about his body language screamed that he was restraining himself from you.Â
He catches your gaze, and his hand mindlessly lifts, caressing the side of your face.Â
"God, if you wanted to hurt me, shooting me in the head would have hurt less." chest heaving against yours.Â
Tears prickled at your eyes, "I am so sorry, Bucky, I really am."
He shakes his head slowly, "You don't get to apologize, not when you still have me undone for you." His eyes are boring into yours, but his words contrast with his actions: "I fucking hate you, and I want you just as broken by this as I am."
You gulp, "I am broken by this," his hand finds the doorknob and pushes it open, pulling you inside with him.Â
"No, you wanted to use me," he walks you backwards and shoves you onto the mattress, and you let him. "I'll show you what it's like to be used."
"Jamesâ" you try as he flips you over onto your stomach.
"You want me to stop? You tell me now. Otherwise, I don't wanna hear anymore lies from you."
But you can't tell him to stop. You want him, you'll always want him.
When you turn your head to look at him and nod, he pulls at your hips and keeps you on the edge of the bed as he practically rips your pants off you. Gasping as his metal knuckles grazed up your spine, pulling the fabric up with it and sending shivers like he knew it would.
The way he feels makes your core ache for him despite it all. You missed thisâ you missed all of him like an addict to his touch. Arching as he presses into you from behind, fisting your hair as he ruts himself against you, reminding you of what could have been.
Bucky was more than just a means to an end, and you wanted him to know that, but how could you? That you are capable of using him despite knowing his past? How do you convince him that you loved him when you'd shown him that you didn't want him? That he shouldn't want you?You've already shown your care to him, and he's well aware of how you'd used him, so maybe hating you was the only answer. Love might not be in your cards, but in this moment, your resilience was pouring through the cracks. If he hated you, then he would be okay, and the damaged parts of you couldn't reach him anymore.Â
He leans over your back and shifts his hand from your hair to your throat; tight enough to threaten.
"You wanted this all along, didn't you?" breaths hot against your ear as his belt clinks open, "I've just been a bit of fun for you? An easy, broken man you could use over and over? A quick fuck?"Â
Your lip quivers, "You were always more than that."
He releases your throat. Reaching over and down your chest to rip your shirt open easily. The fabric is thinâthe buttons pop open and scatter across the room. With one quick, practiced move, he unhooks your bra without even looking at it. You gasp despite yourself and let him pull you up, bare back flush against his.
Your heart crumbles for him, and the damage you'd done that seems to follow you everywhere you go. In his mind, he already had his answer as to why you wouldn't come back, but he still didn't want to believe it. He still wanted you, even if it really were one last time before you left him again.Â
Warm, soft tears roll down your cheek and onto his fingers, "James, I really am sorry, you didn't deserve this."Â
His heavy length is pressed against your back as he grips your hair roughly, just enough to see your face. Bucky's gaze softens despite how tense he was, but you could still see the uncertainty in his eyes.Â
"I told you, I don't want your apologies," tears threaten to spill from his eyes. He runs his fingers up your core, testing the wetness pooling there before he pulls your panties off, "I just want this."
You swallow your tears and the urge to try convincing him again. You nodâneeding him just as badly, "Okay."Â
The feeling of him alone makes you throb for him, aching for him like you have been for months.
Running his thick and angry red tip through your folds once, he collects the slick and watches your face contort in pleasure. Heâs watching as you shut your eyesâsavouring the feeling like you were deprived and storing the image in the back of his mind. He aligns himself and pushes the tip inside, making you writhe into the pillow.
But he doesn't coo at you like he normally would, he doesn't praise you the way he knows you like, and he doesn't try to make it slow and passionate.Â
This was pure take and desire that consumed you both.
The stretch of him was as glorious as always, but fuck, you wanted to see him. He doesn't give a warning before thrusting in to the hilt, bottoming out and coaxing a sharp gasp from you. His lips close the distance to your neck, leaving wet, sloppy kisses that quickly become rougher as he sucked purple marksâmarking you in a physical manifestation of what you'd done to him.
Leaving something behind for you to be reminded of in the morning.Â
Gripping your hips tight enough that it would leave bruises, and you didn't care. His hips sank hard, movements meant to reach a peak that could prove something to him or to you somehow. Punishing in his thrusts, rocking the headboard against the wall in every movement.
The soft exterior of the man you loved so badly was gone. He was taking you apart in every way he knew how, because Bucky knew how to make you sing for him and had your body memorized like the back of his hand.Â
The sounds he made were between a whimper and a groan, as though everything about this was ripping him apart. You knew him so well, studied him like a roadmap you could never forget. You knew his body like it was tattooed inside your eyelids, never escaping the softness.Â
Being rough wasn't something Bucky liked to do with you, unless you asked for it. So this? This was tearing him to shreds. After months without feeling the sweet plush of your skin, Bucky so desperately wanted to take his time, but he couldn't trust himself with being able to leave you alone afterwards.
If he took any more time, he knew he wouldn't be able to let you go.Â
You whined his name, wanting to touch him. Reaching back for him, grazing your fingernails over his forearms, and he takes your hands, kissing them like he was sorry. You cry out for him again, but he shoves your face into the pillow, shutting you up and muffling your helpless moans. Putting down his full weight and your hands over your head, whispering breathlessly into your ear.Â
"You wanted to use me, so take it. Take all of it."Â
Puncuating his words by snapping his hips even deeper into yours and reaching the spongy spot that made you see stars. You push back into him to meet his thrusts, he moans so beautifully for youâand he hated it.
He hated how you had him undone for him and could hurt him so deeply.
Holding both of your hands with his flesh arm so you couldnât touch him, the metal one comes between you and circles over the sensitive bud, making you jolt. But he won't let you escape the way he made you feel, so he plants a knee on either side of you to cage you under him. He urges you on while keeping his punishing thrusts, snapping even harder, faster.Â
Overstimulating all at once; the rigorous pace brings you there faster than you began, and you scream his name as you fall apart. He groans like it hurts as your walls flutter around him and the slickness urges him on. He doesn't relent, pushing deeper into you again and again, chasing his high as you writhe beneath him, cooing at him that it was too much to no avail. He grunts in your ear, and you swear you could've came again just at the rasp of his voice.Â
âJames please,â you whimper.
Suddenly, he hooks an arm under your knee and flips you onto your back. When you meet his gaze, you see the tears in his eyes just before he crashes his quivering lips into yours. His tongue swipes over your lip before he tangles the muscle with yours, sweeping every crevice of your mouth in a desperately possessive manner. He swallows your whimpered moans and ruts himself in short, deep movements, reaching into you like he could understand you like this. Like he could finally reach your mind and unravel you in this bed.
In his bed.Â
The taste of salty tears touches your tongue as he devours your lips. His pace becomes uneven and sloppy as you feel yourself reaching that peak again. He pulls back just to attach his lips to your neck, sucking and biting to leave his mark purposefully. His teeth sink in, and you moan his name loudly as you came again, grabbing at him now that you could. Hissing at your nails against his back, his moans are broken and he twitches and sputters your name quietly, spilling hot inside.
Still thrusting slow and deep like he just couldnât help himself, he keeps his spend inside, not letting a drop escape as he remains sheathed in between your slick walls. He looks back down, taking in the deep marks he left there, a hint of apology in his eyes. He seems like he wants to say something, but he stops himself, leaning down and kissing you againâsofter this time.
He swipes his tongue along your lips to coax you into opening your mouth for him again. He pulls back just enough to spit into your mouth. You swallow it for him, digging your fingers into the nape of his neck and pulling him back down like you couldn't let him go.
This time, Bucky whimpers at the contact you make, biting your bottom lip enough to coax another gasp and then pulling away entirely. He gets off of you, running his hand through his hair and dragging it over his face. He stands up fast and pulls his jeans back on.
"Where are you going?" you ask, but he doesn't look at you.Â
"This doesn't change anything," he adjusts his belt through the loops, the sound clinking through the quiet air, besides the sound of both of your heavy breathing.Â
You sit up, the evidence of the sanguine and desolate encounter dripping onto his sheets, "James, please, if you would just let me explain."Â
He turns quickly, eyes red as he says your name like it physically pains him, "I told you, I fucking despise you. Loathe isn't strong enough to describe how I feel about you."Â
You stop breathing for a moment, stuck in place.Â
He continues, watching the pained expression on your face grow, "You're like a fucking plague on my mind, and I can't stand you anymore."
He takes backwards steps to the door, turning away from you, "I don't ever want to see you again, so you better be long gone by the time I come back here."Â
You can't help the soft scoff that escapes you, gripping the sheet tighter, "and if I don't go?"Â
He looks at you for a moment, his eyes trailing over your face and studying each feature. After a beat, he looks back into your eyes. The look he gives you is colder than anything you'd ever seen before from him.Â
"Then I will kill you myself."Â
He slams the door shut behind him, the sound deafeningâmaking you flinch as you close your eyes.Â
You were right before; this wasn't love. Love doesn't hurt like this.
Tony Stark became a name that would send a shiver down your spine, but your fists didn't clench like before.Â
You refused to acknowledge it with the same fierceness you had before, since your oversight had blinded you. Now, you could see how partial you were and how you'd let anger cloud your judgment and nearly kill a man for the crimes of people before he was born. You still had hate in your heart for himâ how could you forget it? But at least now, that sharp pain shifted to an ache dulled that you only felt in your bones when it was cold and you thought of Manhattan.
Nearly half a decade after you last saw Bucky, your life is much different now. Half the Avengers are either dead or retired. Somehow, you still felt some responsibility for what you'd done back then, and how you could never explain yourself, but you were convinced that you were worthy of it anymore. Apologizing to anyone would be selfish because you knew it was for yourself.Â
The apartment you lived inâif you could even call it thatâwas cluttered with clothes and takeout from weeks prior. You hardly left your place now, even after Tony Stark sacrificed his life for the world and died.
An honourable death, for someone you thought to be the opposite of it entirely.
You didn't know how to deal with that or how to take back the things you'd done on your vengeful path. So instead, you stayed home and watched bad television. You were on your couch, licking ice cream off your spoon, when you saw the face that could've killed you on sight.
The bewitching face of the man you dreamt of more often than you'd ever admit, the piercing blue eyes of his unmistakable face above his scruffy appearance, and neatly tucked hair. He wore a crisp suit that you'd never seen him in before, besides a borrowed one from Steve at the many Galas you'd attended. He walked across wearing his stoic expression, the hint of sadness only you'd recognize behind his brief smile, before he spoke to an audience about a bill you didn't know anything about.Â
James Buchanan Barnes was now a Congressman.Â
You couldn't help the laugh that rippled through you at the thought that your James, your grumpy and impatient James, was now working a job that required him to not only talk to people often but also attend meetings regularly. The livestream of the video captured him shaking hands with people as he walked down the hall with other politicians, and then stopped. There you saw a short-haired woman, hair cut at her shoulders and a polished smile as Bucky bent down for her to whisper in his ear.
You felt an unfamiliar jealousy bubble in your stomach as you put the pint of ice cream on the table, spoon clattering on the coffee table, muttering to yourself from weeks of having no social interaction. Crossing your arms over your chest just as Bucky leaves the frame, and the woman does too. You throw your remote at the screen in an annoyed groan, hurling it harder than you intended. Wincing as you hear a soft crack and realize you've broken your television.Â
When you got restless, you went on runsâalways alone.Â
That was how Yelena found you, cornering you at an intersection and somehow knowing who you were beneath the layers you wore to conceal your identity. She ran next to you, matching your speed, and you didn't have to turn your head to know it was her.Â
"Yelena, long time no see, Sestra," peering over at her as you pull your headphones off.
Yelena smiles at you, "You remembered."
You don't smile back, but give her something in between, "Of course I do."
Yelena was an old friend, a person you knew through her sister Natasha and kept in touch with just barely. After Natasha died, you spoke to Yelena only once, to check on her and for your own peace of mind. You sought her out and cried with her for your fallen friend. You never got to explain yourself to Natasha, but Yelena still trusted you. You pulled her out of a low she didn't know how to navigate while you were going through one of your own. Yelena was the only person you told about what you had done to Tony. She listened carefully when you explained your true intentions for joining the Avengers, to see if she was truly empathizing with you. If anyone knew what it was like to face-to-face with someone who was the reason for your solace, it was her.
Clint was her Tony, and Tony was your Clint.
Though at least Yelena got to talk to him about it and found comfort and closure through it, you didn't even get to say goodbye.
She didn't judge you, not even when you brushed off more personal questions, mentioning the rest of the team, and purposefully glossing over Buckys' part in your story. She knew there was more missing, but she didn't push. You gave her general answers, and you told her of your vengeance and reasoning for doing what you did. You told her she wouldn't be hearing from you, and she did not protest.
But she told you she would come looking for you one day and apparently, today, was that day.Â
She says your name, guiding you towards an alleyway. You oblige because you knew that Yelena wouldn't ask for anything from you if it wasn't serious. Yelena and you didn't have to see each other often for the two of you to converse like normal all over again, and you appreciated her for it.
"Are you alright?" you ask her, shoving your phone into your pocket.
"Oh, me? Fine, great. Working with idiots, but I dealt with worse before," she points at your pocket, "give me that."
"What? My phone?" but she's already reaching in your pocket, wiggling her fingers and pulling it out, "oh pfft, sure, yeah, go ahead."Â
She types in the password without you having to tell her, saying your name when you're about to protest again, "Oh, shush, I have seen you naked. And you are too sloppy, too predictable," shaking your phone in your face, "you have not changed your password in 5 years."
You pout slightly.
Okay, maybe you have been getting sloppy.
She returns to going through your phone and reading over something aloud to herself before staring up at you. Shaking her head, she continues, swiping and swiping.Â
"You have not texted or called anyone in, what the fuck, 6 months?" She pulls the phone case off and takes one of her earrings out, "What happened to having a life?"Â
Popping out the SIM card and dropping to the floor before smashing it beneath her boot.
You exclaim, "Yelena!"
"What? You didn't have much on it anyway. Although I guess that means breaking it was useless," she tosses your phone into the bin as well. "I need your help, and we cannot be followed."Â
You look entirely annoyed and wide-eyed at her, "You basically just called me a loser and broke my phone. You are going to be followed, whether you like it or not, Lena."Â
She smiles then, putting her earring back into her earlobe. "Great, follow me then."Â
Grumpily, you take one last look at your poor phone, cracked and at the bottom of the grimy garbage bin, before following after her. Taking a heavy footstep after the other as you follow behind her, just before she turns the corner out of the alleyway and onto the streets again. The familiar presence of her allowed you to roll your tensed shoulders back just a bit, still holding up some of the walls you'd built up high and mighty. You stared down at her shoes as she walked and noted how polished her clothes were, her suit brand new and tailored perfectly to fit her like she was ready for a fight right now.Â
She walks across the street, and you suddenly realize where she was taking you, "Why are we going to my place?"Â
"You have to change. I cannot take you looking like a teenage boy to meet Valentina," her eyes trailing over your outfit and then back to your face.Â
You squint at her as you enter the courtyardâher movements too aware of an apartment building youâd never taken her too. She walks with too familiar a practice and holds the door open for you with a knowing smile, but you don't question it. Not yet at least.
Yelena plops on your couch and picks up a sock from the corner, staring at it, then you. "You live like this? Like slob?"Â
You roll your eyes, walking over to her and taking the sock from her hand, tossing it into the laundry basket that you said you were gonna put away two weeks ago,
"I live alone, so who gives a shit."Â
She hums at you like she knows something you don't, putting her hand under her chin and watching you, "You used to care how you lived. I don't get how nearly killing Stark made you this depressed."
You say nothing, pulling your hair back from your face and padding back toward the hallway, stripping off your hoodie. You make your way to your room to change, and Yelena stood and followed after you, replacing the couch with your bed. You try changing the subject,
"So, Valentina, huh? You still work for her?" you say as you rummage through your closet, struggling to find something that wasn't a hoodie or a shirt younger than ten years.
"She is the lady who's been giving me jobs, sheâs reliable that much and she knows youâre still alive.â twirling her thumbs on the edge of your bed.
You stop moving and turn to face her. "Yelena, I don't do that shit anymore,"
Yelena sits up, "You don't just give that life up, don't kid yourself."
Rubbing the bridge of your nose, "Last time we worked together, neither of us had eyebrows."
She shrugs, "Eh, they came back." When you sigh, exasperated, she continues, "Come on, just this once. Come with me. I just do my job, clock in and clock out. Anyway, you are clearly not busy, so don't tell me you are because I know when you are lying."Â
You mentally noted the exhaustion on her face and the bags forming under her smudged eyeliner. Yelena always got through her shit through humour, but something told you to go through with her ask and go anyway.Â
Plus, you were bored out of your mind in your apartment.
You nod, "Yeah, sure, will you just come tell me what to wear then? I'm at a loss here."
Yelena stands and stretches her arms, making her way over to you. When she looks into your closet, she snort, "Your closet looks like mine. Lack of fulfillment and desperation."
Yelena purposefully ignores the menâs jacket sitting there, several sizes too big for you. She pulls out an old mission suit from the back of your closet, hidden behind a pile of boxes.
When she turns to hand it to you and sees the look on your face, she rolls her eyes, "I said my closet looks like this too. Jeez, you really don't get out much, can't even take jokes now."Â
As you approached the bunker with Yelena, she began briefing you on her target. She explained, very poorly, who the Ghost was and how Valentina had sent you both to take her down by any means necessary.Â
Yelena spoke just as you approached the hall.Â
"She's stealing the files that Ghost lady. I need you to find them while I take her down, or you take her down, whatever floats your boat or whatever."
With quiet footsteps, the two of you crept into the bunker. The room was filled with boxes you assumed had documents and gadgets you hardly understood. Filing in after Yelena, you followed her to a packet of documents on top of a box, frowning at the symbols etched on the paper. Multiple designs for a suit and the letter S in different fonts stared back at you as you turned your head to her in bewilderment. Just as you looked at her, you caught a glimpse of a gun pointed at her by a tall man in a suit in dirty tones of blue and red.Â
"Lena!" You shouted before grabbing her by her shoulders and rolling just in time for the bullets to fly past you.
Both of you huff as you land behind a box, still over Yelena. Getting off of her, you peer over the box, and the man shoots again, making you duck.
Still, you recognize himâ John Walker.
While you don't know Walker personally, you know of his history and how he didn't even make it a month as Captain America before killing someone and having his shield revoked. Mentally, you noted how his replica shield wasn't made of vibranium, the same indestructible metal of Buckys arm.Â
He says your name as though he knew you, and you snap your eyes up to his. You don't miss the frown on his face as he says your name again.Â
"You were in the Avengers. I thought you were dead," clipping his gun into his holster, "Everyone does."Â
Yelena peeks out, "You know him?"
You shake your head and step out, also leaving yourself exposed for Walker to establish some kind of connection. Yelena stands behind you when you hear a shadow. She yelps as someone new joins the three of you, flipping her over on her ass. Ghost, you recognized her from Yelenas brief description when another person emerges from the shadows, flipping a gun in their hand. When you turn, the Ghost is gone, and Walker is in your face.Â
"Why the hell are you here? All official records say you're dead." His hand was on his holster, close to drawing it out again.Â
Stepping backward, you scoff softly, "As you can see, I am very much alive, Walker."Â
His eyes widen slightly at your use of his name, partly impressed that you even knew him and half-wary of you. The two of you remain staring at each other as Yelena dusts herself off and starts towards you, pointing at the Ghost who was fighting another person out of your line of sight. Walker draws his gun quickly to point at Yelena.Â
"An ex-Avengers death isn't on my conscience," tilting his head at Yelena, and she looks unfazed, "but I am here for you," he says just as a sudden, deafening gunshot snaps the attention of all three of you.
Instinctively, you also draw your weapon, keeping the pistol pointed at Ghost. The three of you focused on the gunshot behind you and the hard thud hitting the ground.
Then you gasp when you see it.
The Taskmaster, someone you did know before and worked with after leaving the Avengers, is dead. Blood pooled over her mask and began spilling on the floor.
In your line of work, this was a common occurrence, bound to happen. But it has been a while since youâd seen a body of someone you knew, even vaguely. Your eyes shift up to the Ghosts as her mask cyphers off.Â
"Well, my job is complete," she announces, stepping over the body.
John scoffs, disregarding the body like he were used to the sight, gun still in his hand, "mine isn't. Valentina was clear about needing you gone, Yelena."Â
Just then, the sound of retching and dry heaving catches everyone's attention. You'll turn in unison, guns drawn and pointed at the new found voice when you see a man in blue scrubs, hair dishevelled and looking utterly afraid.
He keeps his hands up, a dry nervous laughter leaving him before he speaks, "um, is she, are they really dead?"
John ignores his question and walks towards him, boots heavy with practiced military precision in each step, "Just who in the fuck are you, guy?"Â
"Bob, I'm Bob," he gulps as John waves his gun to urge him to continue explaining himself, "I just woke up in here. One minute I was doing a medical study, the next I'm here.â
You all exchanged glances, uncertain and confused.
Bob stammers as he racks his brain, trying to convince the menacing group in front of him of his innocence, âPlease, you gotta believe me."Â
You look over to the capsule behind him, the mould of a body in a high-tech casing that makes your thoughts race. If he were telling the truth, then he was a definitive experiment for Valentina just as you suspected John Walker to be. His enhanced strength only something youâd seen from your former AvengersâSteve Rogers and Bucky.
You thought back to when Bucky told you about the super soldier serum and how people continued to test in cruel ways to see just how far they could push the human body and create the perfect human.
The perfect experiment and weapon.
Your brows knit together, and you met Yelenas gaze. She's frowning like the gears of her mind have clicked into place and made the same realization as you. Of course, Valentina was playing you, she was always playing both of you.Â
Valentina was killing people she had working for her previouslyâthis was cleanup and you were doing the fucking dirty work for her.
"Okay," Yelena says finally, her gun going into her waistband and her other hand reaching to yours, lowering the weapon, "it's clear we have all been played here and all worked for Valentina in some capacity."
John grumbles, lowering his gun too, "What are you saying?"Â
The Ghost rolls her eyes, "Are you a dense, dime-store Captain America? Valentina clearly sent us here to die," gesturing around the room.Â
John stares at her, evaluating and intense, "I didn't know that Ghosts could speak."Â
She smiles, a small hum of a laugh that was entirely humourless, "It's Ava, actually."
John scoffs again just as alarms blare and the bunker goes into lockdown. Bob scurries closer, and no one stops him.Â
Yelena breathes out heavily, "We don't have time for this, you guys," staring at the elevator shaft, then at Ava, "We have to get out of here."Â
Then they're all moving.
Without really telling anyone what to do, they were working in unison, as though this was what they were meant to be doing. John breaks open the power source, Ava unlocks the door, and Bob has the bright idea to get out of the Bunker by climbing. After listening to them bickering and scraping your knees against the elevator shaft a couple of times, you eventually do get out.Â
In the car, Yelena shot an apologetic look at you from the front seat.
You gave her a tight, slightly annoyed smile back. You were sitting next to John Walker and the Ghost lady you now identified as Ava, and the loud man driving the car kept nudging Yelena and asking her questions, whispering about her having found her calling. You smirk to yourself a little when you see Yelenas' look of annoyance, not missing the silent acceptance there that she had found something worth fighting for. Ava adjusts something on her suit, while you stare out the window over John's head to watch the landscape. But he catches your eye, staring at you.
You frown, "What?"Â
"You're Bucky Barnes's ex," he announces, and the pair in the front stop talking.Â
"What does he say? Winter Soldier has a girlfriend?" Alexei catches your eye in the rear-view mirror, "You are Winter Soldier's girlfriend?"
You stammer, "No, I'm not."
"She is right technically, she's not his girlfriend." John says again, never shifting his gaze from you, "She's the one who backstabbed the Avengers."Â
You wince, and Alexei gasps. Yelena doesn't even move because she already knew about this, even without you telling her about the part about Bucky. Ava doesn't budge either, unfazed by the declaration of your disloyalty as though she had anticipated it or had known somehow.Â
Alexei suddenly laughs, "You are badass, like Lena, like Tasha!" he looks to Yelena, then you in the mirror again, "No mercy like the Soviet Union!"Â
Yelena cuts him off, "Okay, Dad, please just stop. Let's just get out of here and go home."Â
"Go home?" Alexei says, looking personally offended by her declaration, "No, no, no, this is a beautiful group, a new friendship and family to have and cherish. You cannot go home and forget all about this, Lena."Â
"There is no point, they took Bob already," she says, looking out the side mirrors.Â
"This is a glorious team! Just like when Natasha was Avenger!" Alexei gleams. Yelena shakes her head and groans at him.Â
John snorts from next to you, "Yeah, go Thunderbolts."Â
Alexei gasps dramatically, "You tell them of your little league team? Oh my, you already bonded." he snaps his head to look at you all, making the car jerk, "You know, one time someone pooped in the middle of the game, right there, on the field. It was so funny, they were so bad." Yelena grabs the steering wheel, steadying them.Â
Ava suddenly announces that; "someone is following us."
Without waiting for anyone to say anything, she puts her mask back on and geo-leaps to the trunk of the car, facing the vehicle chasing you.Â
Everyone quiets to look.
Yelena glances out her window, spotting three bulletproof vehicles roaring behind Alexlei's shitty taxi car. Despite his claim that it was bulletproof earlier, the shells whizzing past you now and shattering the windows proved otherwise.
A deafening screeching sound is played over the speakers of the truck behind you, and Ava nearly falls out of the car when you and John yank her back in through the broken window. She's disoriented over your lap as the shooting ensues.
In a swift move, Yelena peels out of the car, shooting out one of the tires and sending the vehicle crashing. Amongst the fiery crash, the other two roar closer to Alexei's terribly slow car.
Yelena sits back inside, fiddling with her gun, "That was my only bullet."Â
John reaches for his gun, the magazine missing, "shit, I'm out too."
He glances back through the broken window, a roaring motorcycle appearing from the smoke of the crash, chasing behind the last of the three.
The name he utters makes the colour drain from your face, "Bucky?"Â
You turn with him, and there he was. You feel your body run cold again, blood freezing in your veins. Bucky suddenly stops his motorcycle, grabbing the hitch of the other vehicle and pulling it to a taut. Anyone else wouldâve been ripped in half but the sheer strength of him, Bucky yanked the enormous tank backward, punch the chain hard into the concrete below him. The car is then flying away from you and rolling into another fiery crash before you knew it.
John and Alexei laugh in relief as Bucky launches something beneath the other car, causing it to explode. Alexei hits the steering wheel, hollering something about âthe Winter Soldier never retiring.â
The cheering dies down as Bucky turns his focus on Alexeis' car, pointing his weapon at it.Â
But it felt like he was pointing right at you.
Suddenly, something is launched beneath Alexei's car and John curses. The explosion booms white as the car is airborne. Then you're sliding from the backseat, gasping as the car begins to flip. Ava and John hold onto the grab handles of the car, but you don't grab anything in time.Â
You groan awake, wanting to rub your head.
Cuffs digging into your wrists as your eyelids flutter open.
Chatter makes your ears perk up, recalling what had happened, turning your disoriented head around and taking in the faces around you. You glance to your left, looking at John as he notices you lucid again, shooting you a reassuring smileâ something you weren't sure about just yet. He mouths, asking if you were alright, and you nod, giving him a tight smile before turning your attention to a loud Yelena and Ava.Â
"Yes, Bob!" Yelena exclaims as Ava continues for her, "We have been trying to tell you that!"Â
But you feel eyes on you, piercing and intense. The hairs on your neck stick up. Looking into his eyes, you felt like all of your old emotions were back in full force, like they had never even left. His hands were on his hips, listening but not really hearing them as he watched you. Looking past all the other obstacles and through you like he knew what you were thinking. Probably because he knew you better than anyone elseâand it felt like you were alone in the room when you looked up into his eyes.Â
Shamefully, you looked back down, not wanting to meet his gaze. It was too hard, and you didn't know if you could take it. The last time you'd seen him, he said he never wanted to see you again. Said that if he saw you ever again, he would kill you. You betrayed him, broke his heart and made him feel like he was when controlled by Hydra; used and weaponized.
After a beat, he speaks, interrupting the rest of the group's bickering, âwe have to move then.â
To your surprise, he walks over and uncuffs Yelena, breaking off the cuffs swiftly then Avaâs. "Valentina won't expect us to go together, let alone work together."Â
Ava narrows her eyes, "You're letting us go?"
He moves to uncuff Alexei and Walker.Â
"No, not exactly. But I'm trusting you guys won't betray me," he says, and you bite back a wince at his words.
Still, you avoid looking at him, staring down at your shoes as though it could get you out of this situation. John leads them outside as theyâre too focused on their own quiet discussion to notice the tension between you and Bucky.Â
Finally, Bucky stops behind you as everyone else regroups. He bends close to your ear, hands undoing your wrists, taking more time than you knew he needed.
He says your name, "So, will you?"Â
"Wâwhat?" you rasp, rubbing your unbound wrists together and trying not to look into his piercing blue eyes.
Watching you intently, he tilts his head ever so slightly, as though he were studying you. Looking over just enough to catch your eyes.
"Betray me again. Can I trust that you won't do that?"
You couldn't stop staring at the facial hair on his face and how his scruff had grown fuller. You wanted to badly to lean into him again, feel the touch of the one you'd been aching for and finally force him to listen to you, even if you knew it was self-serving to do it now that he'd clearly gotten over you.
You nod your head at him, biting the inside of your cheek. The sound of Yelena calling you guys to hurry up and come out from outside doesn't make him flinch, and he leans in a little closer.
The familiar scent of himâcedarwood and rich suedeâengulfs your senses.Â
An unexpected tug at the corners of his lips makes your skin bloom bright as he eyes the features of your face, stopping over the curve of your lips. He steps away enough to give you space to move. Reluctantly, you stand and walk over to the door, needing a breath of fresh air from his sudden proximityâwhen you catch something he says something just before you walk outside. A foot out the door and you still hear him with the smirk in his voice evident.
"You're so beautiful, even when you lie to me."
A familiar sense of bitterness filled your mouth when you entered the Watchtower.Â
You probably should've been more specific about when asking Yelena about where she was leading you up to, because she failed to mention that the Watchtower was just the Avengers towerârenamed.
As you got out of the elevator, you couldn't help but notice the same features in the building you once resided in. Your eyes trailed over to the kitchen, where you'd cook with Natasha and Steve. Where you'd walk in at an ungodly hour for a snack, and Bucky would find you. The place Bucky cooked the meal for your first not-date, setting out wine, pasta and saladâ before Sam and Steve had crashed it and ate more than either of you. It was once domestic and safe, but you could never fully let yourself simmer in it. Nagging in the back of your head like a virus that had no cure, you would never relax entirely.Â
Distant discussion grabs your attention as you emerge from the elevator.Â
"We are taking you in Val," John crosses his arms, staring over at Valentina, who had shifted her attention to you as you walked in with Yelena.
"Hmm, I don't think so, Junior varsity, Captain America." She smiled wickedly as John angrily pulled his gun out of his holster.Â
A familiar velvety smooth voice called out to John to stopâBuckys.
"Walker," Bucky warned, and John let his gun fall back into his side.Â
Valentina giggled, swirling her drink in her hand and looked to Ava, "Ah, Ava, it's nice to see you again," she shifted her focus over to Yelena, "Yelena, you look awful."
Before turning back to you and saying your name slowly, "I knew you wouldn't stay dead."
You give her a tight, unamused smile, "Still a cunt then, Valentina?"Â
She smiles right back, turning to Bucky, "One betrayal wasn't enough, Congressmen? You want her to actually kill someone from your adorable little team this time?" and his jaw tightens uncomfortably. She continues, looking back to Yelena, "And you, are you sure you're still ready for that public-facing role?"
Yelena steps forward, "Hmm, eat shit, Valentina. Where is Bob?"
"You mean Sentry?" She tilts her head, and you turn to Yelena again, the documents you saw at the bunker filling in the blanks, "come on out."Â
You all turn to see Bob walking down the stairs, clad in bright yellow and gold attire, looking entirely imperfect. His hair is now blonde and slicked back neatly. Yelena breathes out his name, but he avoids her gaze. His smile was uncertain and nervous as he stood next to Valentina.Â
"Sentry is my protection plan, and my reason to sway the committee. I will be unimpeachable," she smugly glances around for your reactions.Â
Bucky scoffs, "That is never going to happen."
"Enough talk, nobody messes with the West Chesapeake Valley," Alexei charges forward, towards Bob, "Thunderbolts!"Â
Without breaking a sweat, Bob punches Alexei once, sending him flying backward into the wall.
Everyone is suddenly on edge as Bob becomes a bigger threat than anyone had expected. Your fists clench as you feel the tension rise above anything you could ever contain, snapping as the unsheathing of weapons filled the air around you.
Bucky points his gun, Ava geo-leaps and reappears behind him before he sends her staggering back again. John launches his shield, and Bob easily sends it back to him like a Frisbee. Yelena begs them to stop, both of you running towards him when Bob sends a current of energy, sending all four of you flying backwards again.
You groan as you hit the hard wall next to Alexei, distant thoughts of CTE rummaged as you daze at the concrete. Alexei is up before you and warily he helps you stand again.Â
Bucky looks back towards you, sending you an evaluative look that borders on concern, before turning his attention to Bob and firing straight at him. You gasp when Bob stops the bullets midair and pushes them full force back towards Bucky, moving too fast for him to dodge them. Pushing yourself forward, his name name slips from between your lips. Everything swirls, it happens so fast, but John is there faster, blocking the bullets with his shield and staggering backwards. Ava and Alexei get there in time again for Bob to disarm them both effortlessly and throw them to the corner of the room.Â
Yelena pleads again, jumping onto Bob's back, electricity flowing from her gloves to his neck, "Bob, you don't have to do this, you have a choice."
You feel your face heat; the situation Bob was in was all too familiar to your own, and Buckys ' gaze prickled at your back. You knew it was useless, but you grabbed Buckys disgraced gun off the floor and pointed it up at Bob since Yelena clearly didn't believe that he would disarm her like the rest of them. Suddenly, the metal of the gun is burning your skin and slipping through your fingers. You yelp at the seering sensation, dropping it to the ground, watching as the gun melts into a mush.
John reapproaches him as Bob throws Yelena over to the elevator and grabs John's shield, bending it in half. John eyes widen in shock as Bob grabs you both by your necks. Youâre thrashing, clawing with the remains of metal flicking off your gloves as you try to get him off before heâs flinging you over to where the rest of the team was lying.Â
Then Bucky flips his knife in his hand, launching it before John pulls him forward with just his mind. The knife uselessly clattering next to Bob. He holds him in the air for a moment before letting him crash to the ground again. But Bucky was headstrong, and you knew he wouldn't give up so easily.
He strips off his jacket, horrifically seductive in a time like this, and strides back for Bob, punching at him hard with his vibranium arm. But Bob was too strong, beyond anything any of you had ever seen and he catches Buckys hand, gripping tight. Bucky groans, trying to free himself when Bob yanks his arm out from his body, and you gasp sharply. Swaying a little, Bob hits Bucky hard over the head with his arm and knocks him out as he's sent back over to the five of you.Â
You crawl over to his unconscious form and cradle his head in your lap, frantic.
"James, hey, wake up," lightly grazing his cheek as you shook him slightly.
The rest of the team is up quickly, Ava grabbing Bucky's arm off the ground and Alexei and John moving towards Bucky. You let them hold him up and drag him out of the room, into the elevator. Bob lets you all leave, the look of regret evident on his face, which made your heart pang for him, because you knew that look.
Youâd basked in that feeling for too long, the emptiness and the loneliness that devoured you whole; you could see it all on his face even as the elevator doors closed.Â
Staring at the Buckys' arm in Ava's hand, you couldn't help but think about when you had done the same to him. You gulp as you step away from him, hand clutched over your mouth with effort, just as the doors opened and Bucky began to stir awake.
Stomach twisting in knots as his detached arm brings you back. You look to Yelena, stepping out of the elevator before anyone else,
"I shouldn't be here when he's awake again."Â
She briefly met your eyes, her own teetering on the edge of disdain for herself and for Valentina for turning Bob into this. But she knew what you meant and gave you a tight nod.Â
You brush past the rest of them, walking fast and panting harder, memories flooding back in full force. Unable to stop yourself from dry heaving into your palm, anxiety peaked and caused you to breathe harder. Once you were far enough, you turned into an alleyway and threw up, clutching the brick wall for something, anything to ground you. Hacking up the shame and the guilt, despite not knowing when you had last eaten.
Bucky slips out of John's grip and mutters a quiet thanks as his eyes immediately begin scanning aroundâ for you.Â
He walks over to Ava, taking his arm from her and clicking it back into place, swinging his arm and recalibrating it. He says your name, "Where did she go?"
Ava shrugged, "Not sure, but she seemed kind of out of it before she walked off." Bucky frowns, and she continues, "She said something to Yelena before leaving, maybe ask her?"Â
"Right, thanks," but Ava stops him from leaving too quickly.
"You two used to date, right?" she asks softly, like she wanted to coax the answer from him. But Bucky didn't need any coaxing.Â
He nods and smiles fondly, "Yeah, we used to be together. Why do you ask?"Â
She smiles at his admission, as though she knew something he didn't, "Oh, no reason." Bucky narrows his eyes but drops it, giving her another thanks before starting after Yelena and Alexei.Â
He jogs into the street, finding civilians running around aimlessly. He ushers some of them quickly, yelling to get inside. He moves further into the crowds to find you and Yelena, helping a family up and inside another building. Multiple crashes shift his focus again. A helicopter strikes a nearby apartment building and sends debris flying towards a young girl. Alexei runs fast, getting to her and shielding her with his body. Alexei crouched over, standing once the debris broke over his broad shoulders. Alexei helps the girl up just as a dark shadow looms over the streets of New York and people begin disappearing. The little girl next to Alexei also disappears. The thought of you also getting engulfed in the darkness suddenly sends him into a panic, and he runs toward you and Yelena, yelling your names.Â
"We need to get inside, come on," he rasps, urging you both. You nod at him, pulling Yelenas arm along, but she stays standing there, staring up at Bob.Â
Your eyes shift to Alexei, dangerously close to being in the darkness as well, "Okay, look, you get him, Bucky, I will bring her," letting out a shaky breath, he doesn't move yet, so you try again, "I will be right behind you."Â
He hesitates and then reluctantly nods because you were right and you were more than capable, he knew that. He starts towards Alexei and from the corner of his eye, Ava hauls John up onto his feet, and sprints towards the nearest building where the darkness hadn't reached quite yet.
In seconds, Bucky is pulling Alexei up, who was still trying to wrap his head around the little girl flickering out as well. They reach the arch of the building, panting and overexerted. Ava and John are already there, hands holding the wall as they try to catch their breath.
Bucky glances around, turning over, scanning and searching for you.
But you still weren't there yet.Â
Alexei pipes up from next to him, glancing over to John, then to Bucky, "Where is Yelena?"
Ava points toward the dark shadows looming beneath the VoidâBob.
There was Yelena, walking closer and closer to it, and you, inches behind her. It looks like youâre saying something to her, but she doesnât run. You keep following. Moments later, Yelena disappears, shifting from physical form into a shadow. Milliseconds later, you follow her, drowned out and turned into a shadow of yourself.
Alexei screams, moving out of the arch to get to her, but John holds him back tightly, not letting him go.
And Bucky nearly folds in on himself, breathlessly leaning forwards like the sight of you disappearing had punched him in the gut. He had just gotten you back, even if it was glimpses. He was breathing the same air as you just like before, and he refused to lose it again. You didnât have enough time yetâhe had to right his wrongs this time.
Bucky's body moves before his mind does, starting after you when John calls his name, "Bucky, you can't!"Â
His chest heaves, "Why the hell not?"Â
"It makes you relive things,â giving Bucky a solemn, knowing look, âitâs like a shame room that loops your worst mistakes. It's gonna make youâ wait!, Bucky, hold on!âÂ
Bucky knew you must've been eating yourself alive for what happened back then. He knew you already had demons before he even met you, that kept you from being entirely honest with him, and that was enough for him. He doesnât wait for another reason, running into the shadows of his past life and aching for his future to emergeâyou.
Bucky crashes through mirrors and drowns in baths of blood in his shame rooms. He relives the worst things he'd ever done and has to feel the weight of the lives he'd taken as the Winter Soldier. Memories of the training he had done in the Red Room, where he had trained countless Widows and ultimately led them to their demise.Â
He gets out of it, out of all of it, because he had made his peace and found the closure he needed years ago, because of you.Â
While it hurt and he hated himself for those things he had done, he shook the you had already helped him through all of this and brought him to the conclusion that it was not his fault. This was forced onto him, and he was weaponized for this.Â
That's what gets him through his shame rooms.Â
In a blink, Bucky finds himself in the old Avengers tower in an all too familiar room â your old bedroom. Under the morning light, shining and glittering against your soft, bare skin, there you were, smiling at a past version of him. The two of you were lying under the sheets, naked and tangled together. He was asleep there, which was rare for him until he had met you. He watched as your eyes scanned over his sleeping form, running your fingers softly through his dishevelled hair and grazing his scalp, pulling a soft hum from him. he didn't understand why this was part of your shame room. He didn't understand why this moment could have been so shameful for you if this was all it was, since it felt domestic.Â
That was until you kissed his cheek lightly, like waking him was a sin. Your expression shifted to a pained one as you scanned over his sleeping face, burning it into your memory. You spoke softly, careful not to startle him awake,
"I love you, James," tears prickling your pretty eyes as you lay your head on his chest, "I am so sorry that I love you because this is gonna hurt so much more. And it's my fault." Wet droplets touch his sleeping form as he stirs and grips you tighter amid his dreams.Â
He furrows his brows at the scene before him. The thought that you loved him enough to be ashamed of it, confusing him all over again. His stomach backflips when he recounts your words. It dawns on him that you really did care for him and didn't mean to fall in love with him. At least it was real to both of you. He steps closer to the bed to watch you there, resting on his chest, eyes closed and eyelashes wet, when the memory reloops itself.Â
You weren't in this memory, so that meant you got out of it.
This wasn't your worst.Â
He leaves the bedroom and that memory behind, starting down the hallway of the tower. The sound of distant yelling pulls him in that direction, and he jogs faster, reaching the lab and pushing the door open. There you were, the past version of you that he had been pained over for so long that it started to numb itself. You were beneath the past version of him, wide-eyed as Steve held Tony's gunshot wound to keep him from bleeding out.Â
You writhe from under his weight, bucking your hips up to get him off of you. He watched you closer, not missing the desperation in your attempts and the pain in your eyes this time. He watches as a single tear slips down your face, as though in preparation for what you had to do, while the past Bucky adjusted himself over you, gripping one of your hands tight to stop your pounding at his chest.
"Please, baby, I don't wanna hurt you," he pleads.Â
He watches as regret begins to flood your face and you reach up his arm, grazing up it like practiced movements. because you had done it dozens of times before, showing him that you loved him despite all of the odds and all of the things he had been forced to do. Showing him that you loved him, despite his past. He knows what's going to come next, and he hears your voice crack like it wounded you to say it this time around.
"But I need to hurt you, James," you admit before a mechanical click shifts from beneath your fingertips and his arm dismounts his body, clattering to the floor.Â
The past version of him backs off from you and stares at the metal, hitting the ground, not taking in the look on your face. The past version of him didn't see the immediate regret plastered on your expression and the way you shut your eyes before moving and getting up.Â
Then the memory loops.Â
The pieces he had missed years ago were falling into place, and he was understanding you better now. With a heavier heart, Bucky looks around the room, looking for the next memory you might be stuck in. He stops at a reflective surface beneath a computer when he sees a glimpse of youâthe real you.
The room was dark and only illuminated by the dark street lights. But there you were, sitting on the twin-sized bed, hunched over and looking towards another person. A younger girl with the same colour of hair and skin sat by the window, still, looking outside. The girl was maybe ten or eleven years old, and her back was facing him. Bucky couldn't shake the feeling that he knew her. He calls your name, and nothing happens. He tries again, and the lab darkens, mimicking the memory you were stuck in. He turns around to find you closer and himself in the room with you. He hesitates to reach out and touch you when a distant gunshot rips through the air, and he sees you flinch, retracting his hands. Deciding to watch and try to understand what you could never tell him, he sits next to you quietly, your eyes still trained on the younger version of you.
He watches the scene before him just as the memory reloops itself.Â
A ten-year-old version of you sat by your window, reading from a book: The Giver. The spine was cracked, and you had a finger in your mouth, biting your nail like the story was keeping you on the edge of your seat. Before his brows could furrow, the doorbell rang, and you perked up. You called out your parents' namesâno response. Placing your book carefully upside down to keep your page open, you stood up and walked out of your room and past your father's study. He was on the phone, looking angry and completely busy, your mother asleep in her bedroom after a long day at work. You thought you were being helpful.Â
The young you rubbed at her eyes and walked to the front door, undoing the latch and unlocking it. When you opened the door, a tall man wearing a suit and tie peered down at the young you, grinning wickedly.Â
"Are your parents home, sweetheart?" the man asked, taking his hands out of his pockets.Â
"Yeah, who are you?" you asked.Â
He said your father's full name and his workplace, easing the tension on your face. You thought you could trust him.
"I have a meeting with him, hmm? Would you let me inside to see him?" his eyes were dark with malicious intentions that a child would never understand.
You nodded and let him inside, pointing him toward his study. You were so young, so naive. You thought you were doing them a favour by allowing him inside the house. You thought that this was your father's friend, or his business partner or something. A horrible gut feeling pulled at Bucky as he was forced to watch what he already felt was coming.Â
"Dad?" you called out, pushing your father's study open, the man inches behind you.Â
Your father looked up at you, his expression quickly falling at the man standing there, holding a gun just low enough that you couldn't even see, but your father could.
"Be a dear, go get your mother too," the man said.Â
You turned to ask him why when you saw it, the weapon in his hands. The white gun aimed towards you, bearing the symbol of the enormous building situated in New York.
The unmistakable name etched on the barrel of the gunâStark Industries.Â
You stared at it a moment too long, focused on the name and sealing it in your core memories. Encoding the name and wondering where you recognized it from, when the man nudged you.
"Get your mother. Now."Â
Panic set in, and you turned to your father, a similar look painted over his. He nodded for you to listen and gave you a smile that was meant to soothe you. Even the young version of you understood, something was wrong.
You left the room, walking as quickly as your little legs could take you to the master bedroom and pushing the door open.Â
She sat up, calling your name and asking if everything was alright. You told her everything, stuttering at parts because it was happening so fast. She calmed you down, sat you in her lap. She asked you to describe the man, and when you did, you saw the colour drain from her face. Now you knew you really had messed up, and you started to cry. She sat you on the bed alone, moving to her closet to the safe you were never allowed to touch and unlocked it.Â
When she came back to you, she pressed a heavy gun to your hand and whispered your name, hurried in her actions.Â
"I want you to lock the door after we leave. When you do that, go to your room and stay there. Do not open the door for anyone," you were crying as you listened to her. You protested, trying to put the gun down, but she held it in your hands, "If someone comes upstairs, you use this."Â
You were shaking with fear and guilt for letting the man into the house, crying for your mother not to leave when she stood up. She kissed and hugged you tightly, and you knew what it meant. She left the room and walked towards your father's study. After a minute, you heard arguing about money, about a debt. The man laughed while you heard your mother cry. Suddenly, the study door opened, and hurried footsteps went through the front door. You ran after them, doing as your mother said and closing the door, locking both bolts.Â
You sprinted back up to your room, sitting by the window still and knocking the book you had been reading earlier to the ground, letting it shut. Distant pleading bled through the glass of your bedroom window as the man dragged them out back, exactly where your room was facing. He lined them up, facing towards the house, on their knees. The man held the gun to the back of your father's head first, before turning it on your mother's. The gunshot rang through the air and through Bucky's ears, and instinctively, his eyes shut. The man in the suit left them there, bloodied and horrific, just below where you were, and purposefully met your eyes. The bastard knew you were watching, giving you the same wicked smile as before as he waved his gun at you and walked away.Â
The young you watched the whole scene, hand pressed over your mouth to muffle your cries, as the real you remained slumped next to him, letting the scene replay all over again. Bucky didn't even realize his face was wet with tears until he looked back at you, watching your expression. He says your name softly, touching your shoulder.Â
A shudder leaves you at the contact, finally looking up into his eyes,Â
"I killed them, Bucky. Not Tony, not his fucking father. It was me."
He shook his head, turning you to look at him, "No, you didn't kill them. That man did. He pulled the damn trigger." When you shook your head and tears rolled faster, he cupped your cheek, concern etched over his face, "You can't blame yourself for this, sweetheart."
The distant chatter of the younger you leading the man up the stairs, letting him go to your dad's study, it was all too much. You had been in this room for so long, you couldn't recall when you weren't anymore. You gasped for air through your tears, trying to inflate your lungs fully but you couldn't do it.Â
The air felt thickerâit felt wrong.Â
It felt like the air that was filling your lungs was solidifying as it sat there, weighing you down. Bucky saw it; he always caught it. He says your name again, but it dilutes itself between your ears, echoing off the thumping of your heart. The sound is an echo in the cave between your chest cavity.Â
You rasped through your tears, "Their blood is on me, James. I let him inside," pulse pounding through your ears. You're ripping at your chest as breaths come too short and words too fast, "It was me all along and I blamed Tony, and now he's dead and I can't take it backâ"
Bucky recognizes the signs of a panic attack, having had many himself.Â
His face shifts and his eyes grow warmer, "Hey, don't do that," pulling your hand off your chest and taking it in his, "You gotta breathe for me."Â
He takes deep breaths, encouraging you to copy him. You do, but are continually unable to calm yourself down. He kneels on the ground, his hands still holding yours as he situates himself between your knees. For a few minutes, he just stays there, breathing with you. The warmth of his hands grounded you amidst the cold storm that threatened to pull you under again. Wiping the tears as they flowed down your face. You couldn't help but lean into his familiar touch, seeking his reassurance.
He spoke softly, squeezing your hand gently, "You were a child then, sweetheart. You couldn't have known." You couldn't tell where reality began and the past ended, but his voice, his grip, grounded you. You began breathing more evenly. He waited for you to calm down enough to squeeze his hands back before pulling them to his lips and kissing them softly, "It's not your fault, you hear me? You did what you thought you had to."
Your breath still stuttered, but your stomach twists, "Why are you in here, Buck?"Â
Bucky doesn't look at you for a moment, and he doesn't answer right away. Then he looks up with his gaze of something too raw to name, "you. I came for you."Â
You feel your throat tighten at his confession; you want to say something, but you're at a loss. The gunshot echoes through the air again, and you squeezed your eyes shut before the memory started to loop once again.Â
He stands, pulling you up with him and steadying you next to him with a hand around your waist, "We gotta go, okay?"Â
You nod. He lets you stay silent, giving you time to gather it all and find your peace in the quiet. Without disturbing your sobered tranquillity, he leads the way out.Â
Back at the Watchtower, you were bundled up in an old blanket you found in the closet. Thickly knit and cozy, it faintly smelled of antiseptics. You knew it must have been one of Bruce's he'd kept in the lab for when he would work too late in the evening and sleep there. Vaguely, you wondered if Bruce came by this tower anymore or if he and Clint even spoke.Â
The television was on and snapped your attention just as it showed a rerun of an important announcement. Valentina had announced the New Avengers, featuring you, Yelena, Alexei, Ava, John, and Bucky. The crowd oohs and ahs as the group of you steps forward. You watch as Yelena leans forward to whisper in Valentina's ear, and her face pales.Â
Bucky walks in, holding a stack of paper in his hands and reading it like he had a personal vendetta. He was focused muttering to himself about his distaste for the people he works with. You sit up straighter, pulling the blanket off you slightly,
"Hey."
His eyes meet yours and he gives a slow, warm smile, "Hey."
You catch his eyes scanning over you, fondly like he remembered something.
Bucky crosses the room, setting his paperwork down on the table. He glances over at the television, "You were there, remember? What are you watching this for?"Â
Glad that he didn't start with unpacking the heaviness in the room, you shrug, "I just turned it on, and I don't mind watching Valentina realize she's fucked herself over with us."
Bucky snorts, scooching himself closer to you. You're not sure how well you hid your surprise when he lifted the blanket and situated himself underneath with you, the domestication of the action making your heart skip. The warmth of his skin radiated off the shell of his thin shirt, even though he isn't touching you, just hovering close enough. You sigh softly, shifting your back against the couch to create some distance.Â
"Thank you," and his eyes snap to yours, expression turning more serious.Â
"Don't thank me," shifting in his seat and tugging the blanket, "I did what I had to."Â
You frown a little, brows knitting as you turn your head back at the television. He was being serious, or he was just flat out lying to you now, right?Â
You murmur your words, "You didn't have to come in after me. Especially not after everything I put you through."Â
From the corner of your eye, you see his lips curl into a smile.Â
"I think if you did try to kill me, I might thank you at this point," he turns to face you fully, tulting his head so he could see your whole face, "I mean, as long as you don't leave again. Or try to kill someone on the team. Actually, forget that last part, I can excuse it.â
You shake your head in disbelief, "You don't mean that."Â
Squinting at you, he takes your hands off your lap and leans over, closing the distance between you, dropping his head in your lap. You freeze with your hands lingering just over his head as he situates himself, ocean eyes staring up at you like you'd hung the stars. The feelings, the memories, the love, all of it came flooding back like a dam that had been straining against itself, the current overwhelming.Â
"You need to stop telling me what I do and don't mean." his hand comes up to tuck your hair behind your ear, "This would've all been solved a lot quicker if you would quit doing that, sweetheart."Â
His fingers linger a moment longer than necessary over your ear, moving over to cup your cheek. Alleviated from his touch aloneâyou don't know how to trust it or yourself not to ruin things again. His eyes shone as they looked into yours and through you, as though he alone could grasp your thoughts.Â
"If you told me you wanted Stark dead, I would've listened to you." Bucky quietly admits, his head still in your lap.Â
"Wâwhat?" You look down at him, not sure you heard him right.Â
"I would've followed you anywhere, I would've loved you even after you did all of that." he slowly sits up, "You and Steve were the only ones who saw me beyond the things Iâve done. I know itâs wrong and I know it wasnât his fault but for youâŚâ he trails off before finding other words, âyou just had to say the word.â
The sincerity in his tone felt like it had seized time, and you swore you could hear a pin drop.
How do you even respond to that?
Here you were thinking he hated you for all of this, and he's telling you he just wanted the truth from you. Mindlessly, your hands ran through his hair, calming your nerves and earning a soft hum from him.
With Bucky, you had been the one who first uncovered the mush of a man he always was behind that hardened armorâbut he did the same to you.
Your guard was always down at his touch. He says your name like honey on his tongue, the sound familiar to your starved ears.
"What are you thinking about?" he asks, but you can't tear your gaze from wanting to smooth the lines around his eyes when heâs deep in thought or touching the stubble heâd grown in your absence.Â
"I'm thinking of how to apologize," your voice soft, hands even softer as you massaged his scalp for what felt the first time in an eternity, "and I don't know where to begin with it, and you're being too nice about it, like I didn't treat you badly."Â
He laughs, hands dropping in surrender, "Being nice is a problem now?"Â
"It is when you've fucked up and hurt the people you care about as many times as I have, James," and he laughs again but you canât help but crack a smile back, "what the hell is so funny?"Â
"I just realized you only call me James when you get worked up about something," you sigh, and he continues, "and you know I am not exactly the most innocent person in the world. I have definitely fucked up plenty more than you, and I will continue to fuck up cause that's just life."Â
"You make it sound so simple,"Â
"And you make it harder than it needs to be. Redemption isn't erasing the blood that's been spilt to stop the bleeding; that's just counterintuitive. You're the one who helped me come to terms with that.â He touches your hand, âLet me help you do the same, hmm?"
You ponder it, not sure what to say. With a heavy sigh, you let it soak in the self-doubt and confusion that deluded you. When the weight feels like it has condensed, he sits up next to you.Â
"When did you get so wise, Mr. Barnes?"Â
"Oof," clutching his chest dramatically, "I was born in the 40's, pretty girl. I know a thing or two about life and having regrets.â
You laugh a little and he smiles at the victory, "But really, I am sorry for, you know, taking your arm and not telling you what I was really feeling."
He coos, "Yeah, that was a low blow, babe, hitting a man while he's already broken-hearted by taking his metal arm? You're a menace.â
His expression shifts into something more serious as he is more intentional with his words. Running a hand through his hair he sighs,
âTruthfully, you have haunted me for years. And that version of myself. What I said to youâŚâ he trails off.
You let the air fill with uncertainty and unease as he tries to find the words; you didnât have anything to say and ease the quiet with. When he sighs deeply, your eyes briefly meet his and his brows lift as the words finally find him.
ââWhen I told you to leave that day, I didnât mean it. I wanted you to stay, and I have nightmares of the last time we spoke often. Every waking moment we have been apart has felt like I couldn't breathe freely."
"James," you breathe like the rug might get pulled from under you. You donât miss the quiver of his lips as his gaze falters.
"âI thought you might've been the bane of my existence, but after I saw you again, that weight was lifted and I could breathe. I can't sleep without you near me. No, I haven't slept without you. I went to morgues, I called hospitals, I became a fucking Congressman to get access to more government documents, just in case you were mentioned in something, anythingâ"
The gasp that left you was soft and surprised. You couldn't help how your hands trailed up his arms while he continued pouring his heart out as though he just couldn't stop.Â
"âI knew Iâd fucked up as soon as I closed that door behind me. I should've let you explain, and I shouldn't have told you to go," but you're moving over him, starting to straddle him as he spirals in his own doubt, "I wanted you to stay so badly but you seemed so hellbent on leaving, I thought saying that might've made you stay, or helped me cope with itâ"Â
"James, I love you too," snapping his attention to you, holding his face in your palms.
He lets out a shaky breath, hands resting on your thighs in uncertainty and barely concealed restraint, âyou do?â
You nod as his hands wrap around your torso, finally. Holding you tightly like he needed you to ground him in this moment to believe it. The feeling familiar but something still felt far away. You sigh deeply, trying to revel in the feelings of him, trying to hide the exasperation in your tone.
"You don't have to say it back, but you said it in the lab, and I should've said it back then."Â
He shakes his head quickly, "but I do. Fuck, I do. I love you, IâI, God, I have always loved you, and it has been consuming me."Â
You pull back just to look at him, and he immediately closes the distance, crushing his lips into yours. It was hurried, exhausted and hungry all at once. it was the kind of kiss youâd wanted from him for so long, the press of his soft lips threatened inhibitions. The taste of him could get you addicted all over, like a drug youâd long forgotten. You craved him and he was already here. You couldnât have enough of him and you just got it back.
This feeling could drowned you with ecstasy but it be worth every second, as long as you felt it this vividly. The promise of his permanence could make you a religious person. The threat of not touching him like this again, it could end your sanity.
He breathes you in as you scrape your nails up into the nape of his neck, laughing into his mouth as he moans into yours.Â
"You have no idea how long I have been dreaming of this," pressing quick, wet kisses, âof you.â
His hands tangling softly through your hair as though he couldn't possibly let go. Pecking sweet kisses as if he couldn't believe this were real and he needed to touch you just to know it was really happening.
He drops his hands to trail down your sides and graze the curves he had memorized so fondly. Trailing to your hips and gripping them tight, he bucks his instinctively up into yours, coaxing a moan to let his tongue slide inside. He sucks on your tongue, persuading another gasp and making you say his name. you try to pull away for some semblance but he follows your candied lips, entirely feral.Â
âDown boy,â You say as you try to pull away again, putting a hand on his chest in between you. But he wonât let you, chest pressed flush against yours like he couldnât bear being further.
"I'm not letting you go again," your back arches as you lean backward, laughing as you try to create space.
Bucky has that same charm, smiling against your lips to make all reason disappear as you kiss him with the same reverence. You whimper into him as he drags your hips back and forth, just the way he knows you always liked.
He moans as you give in, almost whining when you follow his hips, "missed you baby. Iâm never leaving you alone now yeah? Better get used to this sweetheart."Â
Youâre about to say something when a voice from the doorway startles both of you, "I don't think I'm ever going to get used to this, ugh."
You nearly jump out of his lap as you turn to face John, looking at you in disgust. Ava, Yelena, and Bob snickering next to him, Alexei striding in past them, headed straight for the fridge. Yelena walks past the couch to get to the kitchen, Bob and Ava following behind her and shooting you smiles like they knew this was coming. You mutter quiet apologies as Bucky rolls his eyes, not sorry at all.
They stop at the kitchen island just as Bucky reluctantly lets you hop off of his lap to sit next to him, adjusting your top and dishevelled hair. You reach over to fix Buckys, and he smiles at you almost drunkenly, his lips swollen from ferociously attacking yours.Â
You don't have to look at Bob to hear the smile in his voice, "I think you guys are perfect for each other."Â
Yelena snorts, "Yes, both are broody and try to kill people, so perfect."
"That is what all good relationships have, Lena, passion! That means they love each other, eh?" Alexei winks at you.Â
Heat prickles at your cheeks as you look over to Bucky, who's already staring at you, smiling sheepishly when you catch him. He can't help the need to be closer to you, and he tugs you closer to his chest. You let him, humming in content as he pulls the blanket over both of you once again.
Everyone else is already lost in their own conversations, the sounds of utensils and pans clankingâyou're distracted by the sounds that prove Bucky is alive.
Drowning out everything that isn't the sound of his heart thumping under your ear and the rumble in his voice when he talks. You're shutting your eyes and smiling when he catches you basking in the feeling of him. He kisses the top of your head as he changes the news channel to something else that you couldnât care less about.
The weight of the world rolled off your shoulders like raindrops and everything that had been done felt fleeting and utterly unimportant. You drift asleep for the first time in a long time and, with photo evidence that Yelena showed you the next day, so does he.
In his strong arms, forgiveness came easy and adoration couldâve consumed you whole. You were smitten but he was infatuated.
Unconditionally, undeniably, and terribly in love.
Characters: Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Wally West
Content: MDNI! nsfw headcanons, not overly explicit / descriptive, written with fem!reader in mind but can be read as gen!reader as well, don't take it to seriousÂ
Dick
cockwarmingÂ
like refuses to leave your warmth so you're stuck with him inside you while cuddling after
crazy stamina, a quick fuck easily turns into multible hours
loves seeing your legs being all wobbly after or you having to limp because of him
Jason
having his fingers inside youÂ
likes to see your wetness on his fingers when he pulls out from downwards or your mouth
if heâs not fingering you, his fingers explore the insides of your mouth while fucking you
loves when you leave bite marks and scratches, like a physical confirmation of your enjoymentÂ
i fell like he'd be up to try pegging if you really wanted to
Tim
loves when you take care of things, especially when heâs too tired to do anything crazy
probably loves seeing you ride him and pushing him back down when he tries to come up to kiss or touch you
not to say that heâs super submissive and passive, but he likes seeing you take charge once in a while
Wally
anything mouth related
whether itâs something in his mouth or his mouth in something it gets him goingÂ
similar but to highlight it: making out (wet and sloppy kisser when getting really into it, would rather suffocate than let go of you to catch his breath)
definitely fan of seeing you masturbate, when you start moaning his name hell be onto you in no time, this leads to you sending him videos during the day just to rail him up to when he finally comes homeÂ
At first I was a little bit dreading the commitment of writing this request and then I started and somehow word vomited over two thousand words. So period, I guess. I hope yall like this, I always try to do the requests I get justice. Also Damian is aged up to 18 when he moves in with Bruce because I didnât want a child marriage plot. As always, feel free to request or leave constructive criticism and lmk if you want to be added to the taglist. Thanks for reading!!
words ~ 2.1k
tags ~ arranged marriage, LoA Damian Wayne, aged up Damian bc I donât believe in child marriages, possessive reader, simp Damian, request, no use of y/n, no tw, a little suggestive in some parts ig?
Nobody would have taken Damian as the type to form emotional attachments.
When he first arrived at Wayne Manor, the only person he tolerated was Alfred and heâs not even related to the British man. Then after a few months, he slowly warmed up to everyone else. He started tolerating his brothers and even started referring to Bruce as âfatherâ rather than âMr. Wayneâ. But still, nobody assumed that the reserved eighteen year old would be interested in anything romantic given how he was opposed to even a decent family relationship.
Habibti,
I miss you dearly. Life in Gotham is not terrible, in fact, I quite enjoy it. The crime levels are very high and it gives me a chance to practice many of the maneuvers father is teaching me in training. I like being Robin, I like living in Wayne Manor, I like being with my father and my brothers, but it is nothing without you, Rohi. I beg of you to find a break from the league and come to see me. I miss you, beloved. You are my wife and I need you here. Iâm sure my mother would let you visit Gotham if you told her you were coming to see your husband. I beg of you, beloved. I love you, come see me.
All my love, Damian
Nobody knew that Damian was married. He moved to Gotham a few months after his eighteenth birthday and given that he was so young, who would assume that he was married?
Your marriage with Damian had been an arranged one but the two of you had been best friends, raised together in the league. Youâd trained together, gone on missions together, and when the time came for the two of you to be married, neither of you were upset. Who would you marry besides your best friend?
And then, only a month after the wedding, Talia had sent Damian to Gotham and required that you stay back with the league to continue training.
His goodbye had consisted of a chaste kiss and a gentle squeeze of your hands and then he was gone. You dare not cry in front of Talia and Ras Al Ghul, you would surely be considered weak. So you saved your tears for the pillows of the bed you shared with Damian. It was hard to be separated from your best friend of eighteen years for the first time ever. And you missed him dearly, but you both did what the league required of you, even if it required that you be several thousand miles apart from your husband.
My Darling,
I appreciate your prompt response and I once again beg that you make the flight to Gotham. I will pay, all you need is my motherâs permission. My bed is cold and I need someone to help me deal with Drake, he irritates me the most of all my siblings. I think Jason would like you and I think father would appreciate knowing that I at least had one friend who looked out for me in the league. There is a gala in two days time and I wish for you to accompany me if you can. I love you, Habibti. And I miss you, you have my heart in the palm of your hand five thousand miles away.
Yours always, Damian
You did not arrive in time for the gala, such to Damianâs despair.
My husband,
I love you more than I can express to you through words. I miss you every minute you are apart from me. I have asked your mother repeatedly and she brushes me off every time. Iâm getting so desperate to see you again that Iâm becoming tempted to offer her an heir in return for letting me see you. Are you opposed to having children out of bribery? Please return me an answer for this offer quickly so I am not making false promises to the woman that could easily kill us both. I love you, Damian. I am trying my best to return to your side.
Aching for you, your wife
Damian hated going to galas without you. He knew you would love them. The fancy dresses, high heels, jewelry, and booze. Plus an opportunity for Damian to show you off to all the rich people in Gotham and brag about his beautiful wife.
But you were still in Nanda Parbat so he stood awkwardly against a wall nursing a glass of champagne and missing the feel of you by his side. An endless line of women had been coming up to him all night, making poor attempts at flirting and then sulking when he shot them down with sharp words and a glare.
But by his sixth champagne, he was getting sloppy. The room was beginning to spin and the faces of the people around him were melting and doubling and shifting.
Heâd let his eyes close for only a few seconds, the alcohol was making him sleepy and when he closed his eyes, he could perfectly picture your face.
Then all of a sudden, a cloying sweetness invaded his nose and something hot was against his mouth, arms around his shoulders. For a second, his brain told him that maybe it was you. Maybe you were here afterall. But no, his beloved did not smell like cheap perfume and bourbon, you smelled like the spices from his homeland and satin. You always let your fingers slide into his hair and you had this way of smiling against his lips when you kissed him after missing him for a long time. This was not you, this was an intruder.
His dark green eyes snapped open and the girl currently attached to his mouth was very much not his wife, just as heâd guessed. His arms shot out, shoving her back with the strength and practice of a trained vigilante, sending her stumbling back into several people which elicited shouts of concern and confusion.
âHey!â he shouted, his voice thick with intoxication and panic. âI am a married man! Keep your hands off of me, woman! I love my wife!â
He wiped his mouth aggressively with his hand, looking disgusted with both himself and the woman. The back of his hand was stained pink from the womanâs lipstick and it made his stomach churn. âMy wife is hot! And sheâs not here but Iâm hers! Married! Stay back!â
Within moments Jason and Dick had Damian by both his arms, carefully leading him out of the ballroom.
âHey bud,â Dick started softly, helping Damian into a car. âYouâre really hammered, huh?â
Damian scowled and tried to shrug his brother off as Jason started the car and headed out towards the manor.
âNo, I am in a perfectly sane state. That woman tried to touch me, my beloved would be quite upset. Richard, my wife will be furious! I cheated! That evil woman kissed me! Oh no, what am I supposed to tell her?!â
Dick laughed and tried to keep Damian upright in the back seat. âBuddy, youâre not married. Youâre just super drunk. Itâs okay, that lady shouldnât have kissed you if you didnât want her to but you didnât cheat on anyone.â
That seemed to really piss off Damian. âNonesense. I have a wife back in the League of Assassins. Sheâs beautiful and stunning and she's deadly. Iâm obsessed with her. She will be so angry with me, Richard. Youâre really not comprehending the havoc she will wreak.â He gasped softly, equal parts nervous and excited. âShe will kill that lady. Sheâs a very jealous woman. My queen.â He hummed, seeming to become a little smug at the thought of you being possessive over him.
Dick sighed and shook his head fondly, deciding that his brother was probably just inebriated and speaking nonsense âOkay buddy.â
Beloved,
I come to you with a serious crime I have committed against the sanctity of our marriage. I got quite drunk at the gala yesterday and a woman kissed me. I pushed her away obviously but I never should have put myself in a position to be in that situation in the first place. I apologize, my love. I am sorry, truly and deeply. I am battling the worst hangover I have ever experienced as punishment for my crimes. I miss you deeply. And no, I am not opposed to bribery children. Just come see me. I love you.
With undying devotion, Damian
Damian was unsure of how you would react to his most recent letter. Obviously you would be upset that another woman touched him but surely you would forgive him, no? After all, he had rejected her so violently that he had to be escorted out of the gala. He expected a letter back, maybe a phone call if you could get your hands on one in Nanda Parbat.
âMaster Damian, you have a visitor,â Alfred called, knocking Damian out of his contemplation.
He half expected it would be a reporter there to interview him about his outburst at the gala, maybe the lady who had kissed him at the gala with a team of lawyers here to sue him for pushing her away.
But when Alfred opened the door and stepped out of the way, there stood⌠you.
And fuck, you looked gorgeous. You were dressed in a deep green and black dress, sporting the colors of the league per usual. Your hair was let down instead of pinned back like it usually was for training. Youâd somehow only grown more incredibly gorgeous in the few months since heâd left for Gotham.
Damian sat there gaping at you like an idiot, shocked and happy and a little bit hard.
âHello Damian, are you going to greet me or only stare?â
That broke Damian out of his stupor and he flung himself at you, for once losing his facade of cool control and hugging you to his chest as tight as he possibly could.
âBeloved, youâre here! I expected a letter warning me of your arrival.â
You hummed, looking a little smug. âI thought I should surprise you. After all, I heard that some people need reminding that you are a married man. And that your wife will absolutely murder anyone who attempts to touch you.â You slid his engagement ring from a hidden pocket from within the skirts of your dress and offered it to him. âI figured I should also bring this back with me to send the message more clearly.â
He laughed lightly before kissing you, his mouth sliding over yours, his tongue pushing past your lips in a way the both of you had desperately missed. Then he pulled back with a wet pop, a small string of saliva connecting your lips and then breaking when the distance between your mouths increased too far.Â
âThank you, beloved. Iâve been missing this.â He smiled, so uncharacteristic for him but he seemed to glow in your presence. He slid the gold band onto his ring finger on his left hand without hesitation, admiring it for just a moment. The gold of his ring matched yours; only yours was inset with several small colored stones, a larger diamond, and intricate metal bindings to hold them all in.
You giggled and pressed your lips to his ear, keeping your voice low so as to not let any of his gathering family members hear. âAnd we do owe your mother an heir, I promised. Thatâs the only reason she allowed me to come and interrupt my training back with the League.â
Damianâs cheeks turned pink and his fingers dug into your hips. âAh yes, we will have to get on that so we donât anger the dragon. She is quite strict about promises.â
You hummed softly and your nails dug into his bicep just slightly, possessive. âI think I may stay permanently. Clearly you need someone to bat away the women for you. A video of you shoving that lady off and having your little outburst has made its way onto the internet. I knew you were genetically perfect but I didnât know they wanted you that bad.â
Damian laughed softly and opened his mouth to make some smart comment but was quickly cut off.
âWhat the fuck is this, Damian?â Jason interrupted, looking at Damian like he was looking at a stranger. âWho is that? And why are you wearing a ring?â
The rest of the family had gathered at this point, Dick, Tim, Bruce, Cass, Steph. They all looked equally as confused.
âOh yes, this is my wife. Isnât she perfect?â Damian said proudly, pulling you a little closer to his side.
Dick gaped. âThis is the wife you were going on about the other night?! Holy fuck-â
summary đ a bookkeeper hides in the basement while the Iceberg Lounge changes hands. jason todd finds her, keeps her because she's useful, and tells himself it's temporary. a month later, she's patching up his wounds and telling him about the years she spent being treated like shitâand heâs letting her.
tags đ prince of gotham!jason todd x ex penguin employee fem!reader , grumpy crimelord x tired bookkeeper , found family , rescued from a criminal enterprise , ocd implied!reader , slow burn-ish , forced proximity , blood and bandages , boss!jason todd , low angst , dry humor , domestic-ish , quiet intimacy , undefined feelings , jasonâs POV , 2nd person , dialogue heavy , time-skips & fast forwards .
wc đ maybe 4-5k
⌠masterlistăâąădc masterlistăđź ÍÍ
THE BASEMENT of the Iceberg Lounge smelled like mold and old cigar smoke, and Jason Todd was starting to regret every decision that had led him down here.
Not the takeover. That had gone smoother than Jason expected. Cobblepot was locked in a storage room on the third floor with a gag in his mouth and a shitload of opinions he couldn't express. The Sisters Su were patrolling the main floor with their usual unsettling grace. His men were counting the money. Everything was going according to plan.
Except for the woman hiding behind the wine racks.
He heard you before he saw you. A sharp inhale, quickly muffledâa shoe scuffing the concrete. You were trying to stay quiet and failing, which meant you werenât trained for this: no tactical training, no weapon discipline, no idea how to vanish properly.
Jason rounded the corner slowly, his boots echoing on the stone floor. He wasn't concerned about a trap. If youâd been a threat, you would have acted by now. But he'd learned long ago that scared people do stupid things, and he didn't want to get hit with a wine bottle tonight. That would be embarrassing. He'd never hear the end of it from the Sisters.
You were crouched behind the last row of racks, pressed against the cold wall with your knees pulled up to your chest. Messy hair fell across your face in uneven waves, and you wore black slacks with a white button-down that had come untucked at some point, probably during the chaos of the takeover. Your flats were scuffed at the toes. You looked like you had been hiding for hours.
Your hands were shaking.
Jason stopped a few feet away and waited. He had learned that trick from Batman, though he would never admit it. Sometimes the silence was more effective than anything you could say. It made people talk. It made them fill the empty space with something, usually something true.
You looked up at him, and he watched the recognition hit you like a tangible force. Your shoulders pulled in tighter. Your breath caught and held. You knew who he was. Everyone in Cobblepot's organization knew the Red Hood by reputation, even if they had never seen his face. The helmet was off now, but the leather jacket, his build, and the way he carried himself told the story clearly.
He crouched down, not because he was trying to be kind, but because looming over you wasn't going to get him useful information. Also, his knees were tired. It had been a long night.
"You work here?" he asked.
You nodded, a quick jerky motion.
"What do you do?"
There was a pause as your throat moved with your swallow.
"Bookkeeping," you said, and your voice was steadier than he expected. "Payroll. Some bartending when they were short-staffed."
Jason looked at your hands again. No calluses. No scars. No signs of someone who had ever held a weapon for longer than it took to hand it off. These were the hands of someone who punched numbers into a calculator and maybe carried a tray of drinks when things got busy.
"You know how to use a gun?"
"No."
"A knife?"
"No."
"Anything that could hurt me?"
You looked at him then, really looked, and something in her expression shifted. Not defiance, exactly. More like resignation. Like you had already run the numbers and found the only answer that made sense.
"No," you said again. "I'm not a threat to you."
Jason believed you. He also believed that being harmless didn't mean being safe. The people who would come looking for Cobblepot's associates wouldn't care whether you had ever held a gun. They'd care about what you knewânames, accounts, payment schedules, the quiet links between the Penguin's operations and the rest of the city's underworld. Youâd been here for two years. You knew things.
If you left here tonight, someone would find you. Not his people, probably. Someone worse â someone who wanted information and didn't care how they got it.
You wouldn't survive the week.
Jason had seen that movie before. He had been the kid in it, once, before Bruce found him. Hungry and cold and hiding in alleys, watching the bigger predators circle. He had made it out because someone had decided to keep him. Not everyone got that lucky.
He stood up and pulled out his phone.
"Get up," he said.
You flinched but got up. Your legs were unsteady, and you had to brace one hand against the wine rack to avoid falling. You didn't ask where you were going. You just followed him up the stairs, through the kitchen, and into the elevator that took you to the private floors above the casino.
On the way up, he typed out a quick text to one of his contacts: Run a background check on a woman. Bookkeeper. Cobblepot's organization. Everything by morning. He hit send and tucked the phone back into his pocket.
If youâre clean, you can be useful. If you weren't, he would deal with you then.
Either way, youâre not staying in the basement.
đâ đâ â Ëâ đŹâ Ëâ â đâ đ
The office was a disaster area.
Cobblepot had been a meticulous monster, which meant his workspace used to look like the inside of a very expensive clock. Everything had its place, with pens aligned and files labeled. A humidor sat on the corner desk, probably costing more than Jasonâs first car.
Then the takeover had happened, and Jasonâs people had torn through the place looking for anything useful. Drawers were pulled open. Papers were scattered across the floor. A knife was still lodged in the wall above the safe, left there by one of the Sisters Su as a joke.
You stopped in the doorway and stared.
âYou did this?â you asked.
âSome of it.â
âYou have a filing system.â
âI have a system.â
You looked at him like he had just claimed the sky was green. Your eyes swept across the room, taking in the chaos, the scattered documents, the three empty coffee cups on the windowsill, the bullet holes in the ceiling.
âThis is not a system,â you said. âThis is a crime scene.â
Jason turned to look at you. You were still pale, still shaking a little, but something else was creeping into your voice. Exasperation. Like the state of his office was personally offensive to you. Like you were this close to grabbing a trash bag and fixing it yourself.
He almost chuckled. Almost.
âI didnât bring you up here to critique my organization,â he said.
âThen why did you bring me up here?â
He didnât have a good answer. He had a practical answer, which was that you knew Cobblepotâs operations and he needed someone to untangle the mess of shell companies and hidden accounts. That was true. That was useful. That was the kind of cold calculation he prided himself on.
But if he was being honest, which he rarely was, he had brought you up here because leaving you in the basement felt wrong.
Not wrong in a moral sense. He had done plenty of things that were wrong. Wrong in a personal sense. Like watching someone drown when he knew how to swim. Like walking past a hungry kid when he had food in his pocket.
He gestured to the chair across from his desk.
âSit down.â
You sat.
âYouâre staying here tonight,â he said. âTomorrow, weâre going to talk about what you know. After that, weâll figure out what to do with you.â
âWhat does that mean?â
He dropped into his own chair and kicked his boots up on the desk, scattering a stack of papers he hadnât gotten around to reading yet. The chair creaked under his weight. He was tired. His shoulder ached where someone had landed a lucky hit during the takeover. His knuckles were split and starting to scab over.
âIt means youâre not dead,â he said. âThatâs more than most of Cobblepotâs people got tonight. Youâre welcome.â
You looked at him for a long moment, and Jason saw something flicker across your face. Not gratitude. Not fear. Something closer to calculation. You were trying to figure out if he was lying, if this was some kind of trap, if he was going to hurt you after you gave him what he wanted.
He respected that. Trust is earned, not given. He had learned that lesson in a warehouse with a crowbar and a bomb. He wasnât about to forget it.
âOkay,â you said finally. âIâll stay.â
âThe couch pulls out. There are blankets in the closet. Donât touch the guns.â
âI donât know how to use a gun.â
âYou said that already.â
âIâm saying it again so you remember.â
Jason snorted. âLady, I donât forget anything.â
đâ đâ â Ëâ đŹâ Ëâ â đâ đ
The background check came back clean at seven the next morning.
His contact had dug up everything. You had worked for Cobblepot for two years, started as a temp during tax season and somehow stuck around. Before that, you had done bookkeeping for a chain of restaurants in the Diamond District that had gone under during the recession. No criminal record. No outstanding warrants. No connections to any of the major players in the city.
You were exactly what you looked like. A civilian who had needed a job and ended up working for a monster because monsters paid well and didnât ask questions.
Jason read the report twice, looking for the catch. There wasnât a single one.
He wasnât sure if he was relieved or annoyed.
đâ đâ â Ëâ đŹâ Ëâ â đâ đ
The first few weeks were awkward.
You slept on the couch in his office because there werenât any other rooms available and Jason wasnât about to let you wander around the building unsupervised. The Lounge wasnât exactly a hotel now, was it. It was a criminal enterprise with a casino attached, and letting a civilian roam the halls was a good way to get you killed or get him compromised.
You ate the food he brought you without complaint, even when it was cold and the coffee was shit. You didnât ask for anything. You didnât push. You just existed in his space like a presence he couldnât get rid of. Stupidly polite and quiet like you were worried one slip up would get you a one way ticket to heaven.
It was annoying. He wasnât sure why.
Jason told himself it was temporary. He had plans. Big plans. The Iceberg Lounge was just the beginning. He was going to clean up Crime Alley, take down the drug rings, starve out the human traffickers. He didnât have time to babysit a bookkeeper who had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.
But you were useful. That was what he told himself when he handed you a stack of financial records and asked you to make sense of them. That was what he told himself when you found three shell companies Cobblepot had been using to launder money through a bakery in the Diamond District. That was what he told himself when you looked up from a spreadsheet with an expression of pure disgust and said, âHe was hiding money in a frozen yogurt franchise. Who does that?â
Jason laughed before he could stop himself.
You looked at him like he had grown a second head.
âDid you just laugh?â you asked, eyebrows perked.
âNo.â
âYou definitely laughed.â
âI coughed.â
âThat was not a cough.â
âThe air in here is dry.â
You stared at him and he stared right back.
âYouâre weird,â you said.
âYouâre the one who worked for a guy who kept penguins in his office.â
âThey were taxidermy.â
âThatâs somehow worse.â
You almost smiled. Not quite. But almost. Jason picked up a pen from his desk, spun it between his fingers, and put it back down. He didnât know why he was fidgeting. He just was.
đâ đâ â Ëâ đŹâ Ëâ â đâ đ
She started organizing his office on the fourth day.
Jason walked in after a meeting with a weapons supplier and found his desk completely changed. The papers were stacked in neat piles, labeled by category and date. The guns had been moved to a locked drawer, and the keys were on his keychain, which meant she had gone through his stuff at some point. The coffee cups were gone, replaced by a single clean mug and a coaster he didn't remember buying.
He stood in the doorway and stared.
"What did you do?" he asked, eyes scanning the room before finally landing on you.
You didn't look up from the filing cabinet you was sorting through. You were wearing the same black slacks and white button down from the basement, though youâd rolled the sleeves up to your elbows at some point. Your hair was pulled back in a messy knot and there was a smear of dust on your cheek.
"I organized it," you answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He sighed.
"Why?"
You finally looked at him, and your expression was almost bewildered, like you couldn't understand why he was even asking such a dumb question. Not that you could say that out loud⌠not quite there yet.
"Because I sleep in here and looking at that desk was giving me a headache," you replied. "I couldn't focus on the ledgers with that much chaos in my peripheral vision.â
Jason just stared at you.
You stared back.
"I'm not going to apologize for it," you added, shrugging.
He should have been annoyed. He should have told you to stay in your lane, to keep your hands off his things, to remember that you were here because he allowed it and he could un-allow it just as easily. The last person who had touched his things without asking had lost a finger. Not by his hand, but the principle still stood.
Instead, he dropped into his chair and looked around. The room felt different. Definitely calmer now. He hated that he noticed. He cracked his neck and rolled his shoulder, still sore from the takeover, and tried to focus on something else.
"Where's the Glock?" he asked.
"Bottom drawer. Left side. The safety is on."
"How do you know how to check a safety?"
"I told you I don't know how to use a gun. I didn't say I didn't know anything about them." You closed the filing cabinet and turned to face him. "I grew up in Gotham. Everyone knows how to check a safety."
Jason leaned back in his chair and studied you. Youâd stopped flinching when he walked into the room sometime in the last few days. He wasn't sure when. You also stopped measuring your words, stopped being careful, stopped treating him like something that might bite.
He was still unsure whether this was a blessing or a curse. Being liked certainly had its perks, but being feared? That was even more powerful. With his reputation on the line, your efforts werenât exactly helping him.
He picked up his phone, looked at it, put it back down. No messages. He already knew there were no messages.
"You're not going to stay here forever," he said.
"I know."
"You understand that."
"I understand that you keep telling me that." He watched you cross your arms over your chest. "You also keep not telling me when I can leave."
Jason opened his mouth and closed it.
You had a point. A good one, at that.
"You're not a prisoner," he said.
"I'm not free either."
"Everyone in Gotham is a prisoner of something. At least here you have food and a couch and a lock on the door."
You tilted your head, studying him like he was problem you were trying to solve. He didn't like that look. It made him feel like you could see things he didnât want to show you.
"You don't have to keep me here," you said.
"I know."
"Then why do you?"
Jason didn't answer. He thought about saying something honest. He thought about telling you the real reason, the stupid reason, the reason that made him feel like a kid again.
Then he thought better of it.
"Because you're useful," he said, and the word tasted like a lie even as he said it.
You didn't look like you fully believed him either. But you also knew better than to push. You just went back to the filing cabinet.
Jason tapped his fingers against the armrest of his chair. Once. Twice. Three times. Then he picked himself off the chair and walked out, leaving you with one notice.
âDonât go through my stuff.â
đâ đâ â Ëâ đŹâ Ëâ â đâ đ
That whole name thing happened around the third week.
Jason was in the middle of reviewing a list of Cobblepot's outstanding debts when you walked into the office with two cups of coffee. You set one on his desk and kept the other for yourself, curling up on the couch with a folder full of bank statements. Youâd been doing that more often lately. Just existing in the room with him. Reading or organizing or working on tasks he assigned you while he handled his.
It shouldâve been distracting, but day by day heâd gotten used to it.
"Red Hood," you said, flipping open the folder. âIt says here thatââ
"Don't call me that."
"Well⌠what should I call you?"
"Boss works."
"That's weird."
"You're weird."
"I'm the one who organized your filing system and found three shell companies in a frozen yogurt franchise. You're not allowed to insult me."
Jason looked up from his papers. You were smiling in a way he hadnât seen before. Not a nervous smile or a polite smile, but a genuine one that suited you.
"Jason," he said.
You blinked. "What?"
"My name. It's Jason."
He hadn't meant to tell you. He hadn't told anyone in Gotham his real name since the takeover, not even the Sisters Su. There was power in a name, and he wasn't in the habit of giving power away. Bruce taught him that much. Secrets were currency. Names were weaponsâsometimes.
But youâd been here for three weeks now. You hadn't tried to run. You hadn't betrayed him. You hadn't looked at him like he was a monster, even when he came back to the office with blood on his collar and the occasional fresh bruise somewhere on his face or neck or elsewhere.
You just made him coffee and organized his files and treated him like he was a person instead of a symbol.
"Jason," you repeated, testing the shape of it. Your mouth curved around the syllables like you were trying to figure out if they fit.
âYeah.â
"Okay," you said, and went back to whatever was on your screen.
Just like that.
Jason stared at you for a long moment. You didn't look up. You didn't even acknowledge the weight of what he had just given you. You just sipped your coffee and flipped a page and existed in his space like it wasnât a big deal.
He tried not to think too much about it. So instead he went back to his paperwork and tried even harder not to think about it. He cracked his knuckles one by one, a nervous habit he had never been able to shake.
đâ đâ â Ëâ đŹâ Ëâ â đâ đ
Jason comes back from a job later than usual. His knuckles are split open and his shoulder aches where someone got a lucky hit in with a goddamn pipe. The cut on his ribs isn't deep, but it's bleeding through his shirt and that's definitely going to stain the fabric. He's tired in a way that goes beyond the physical, the kind of tired that comes from fighting the same fights over and over and watching the city swallow his efforts whole.
He walks into the office and finds you still awake.
You're sitting on the couch with your laptop open, reviewing the accounts from the frozen yogurt franchise that turned out to be a money laundering front. You look up when he comes in, and your eyes go straight to the blood on his shirt.
"You're hurt," you say, voice tinged with concern.
"I'm fine."
"You're bleeding."
"It's not mine."
You give him a look that says you don't believe him for one second.
"Most of it," he amends.
You close your laptop and stand up. "Sit down."
"I don't needâ"
"Sit down, Jason."
The use of his name stops him. Not because he's scared of you, but because you say it like you have every right to tell him what to do. Like you've already decided that he's going to sit down and let you patch him up, and his opinion doesnât matter in the slightest.
He sits down and wonders when he became so⌠compliant.
You disappear into the bathroom attached to the office and come back with a first aid kit. It's his kit, which means it's military grade and contains enough supplies to treat a gunshot wound. You open it on the coffee table and start pulling out bandages and antiseptic wipes.
"Take off your shirt," you say.
Jason raises an eyebrow. "Bold."
"Don't be annoying."
"I'm never annoying."
You don't dignify that with a response. You just wait, your arms crossed over your chest, until he sighs and pulls his shirt off over his head. The movement pulls at the cut on his ribs, and he grits his teeth against the sting.
You kneel in front of him and start cleaning the wound on his ribs first. Your hands are steady. Like youâve done this before. You work in silence for a while, dabbing at the cut with an antiseptic wipe, and Jason finds himself watching your face.
You're focused. Concentrated. Like this is just another task you decided you had to do, no different from organizing his desk or reviewing a spreadsheet.
"You're not bad at this," he says.
"My mother was a nurse," you reply without looking up. "I learned a few things."
"Where is she now?"
"She died. Six years ago. Cancer."
Jason doesn't say he's sorry. He learned a while ago that sorry doesn't mean anything to people who have lost someone. It's just a word people say to fill the silence.
"She the reason you stayed in Gotham?" he asks instead.
You pause for a moment, then go back to work. "Part of it. The other part is that I didn't have anywhere else to go."
"That's why most people stay."
"That why you stayed?"
Jason thinks about it. He thinks about leaving Gotham a hundred times, a thousand times. He thinks about the places he's been and the people he's met and the ways he's tried to build something for himself outside of this city's shadow.
He thinks about Crime Alley. About the kid he was, stealing tires off the Batmobile because he didn't have anything else. About the way Bruce looked at him the first time, not with pity, but with something that felt like recognition.
"Someone's got to clean up this mess," he says. "Might as well be me."
You look up at him then, and your expression is unreadable. "That's very noble."
"It's not noble. It's stupid. There's a difference."
You almost smile. He sees it in the way the corner of your mouth twitches upwards just a little .
You finish cleaning the cut on his ribs and start on his knuckles. The split skin is raw and angry, and you work carefully, dabbing at the blood with the same steady hands. The silence stretches between you, unfamiliar but not uncomfortable.
"Cobblepot treated me like furniture," you say quietly. Unexpectedly.
Jason looks at you.
"I was there to do a job. I did it well. But I wasn't a person to them. I was a thing that balanced the books and poured their drinks and stayed out of the way."
You press a bandage across his knuckles, smoothing the edges down with your thumb.
"His men talked about me like I couldn't hear them. Made comments. Jokes. Nothing I could report, nothing that crossed a line they thought mattered." Your voice is flat, controlled. "I learned to ignore it. To be small. To be useful enough that they didn't notice me and not useful enough that they wanted more from me."
Jason watches your face as you speak. There's no self pity in your voice. No anger, even. He wonders why youâre not mad.
"The ones who were worse, the ones who actually tried something. They didn't last long. Cobblepot didn't like competition for his attention. He would get rid of them. Not because he cared about me. Because they were touching something that belonged to him."
You reach for another bandage.
"I hated him. Every single day. I hated the way he looked at me and the way he talked to me and the way he made me feel like I should be grateful for the privilege of being treated like garbage." You finally look up at him. "And then you showed up. And you killed the ones who deserved it. And you locked him in a room somewhere in this building."
"He's on the third floor," Jason says.
"I hope heâs suffering."
You say it with so much conviction that Jason feels something shift in his chest. He looks away, rolls his shoulders, cracks his neck. He doesn't know what to do with the thing shifting in his chest, so he ignores it.
"You're not grateful," he says.
"I'm not," you agree. "I'm relieved.â
You finish wrapping his knuckles and sit back on your heels. The first aid kit lies open between you, supplies scattered across the coffee table. The office is quiet except for the hum of the city outside the windows.
"You couldâve killed me," you say. "That night in the basement. You couldâve killed me and no one wouldâve asked questions. I was nobody. I worked for Cobblepot. That wouldâve been enough reason for most people."
"Civilians aren't on my list," he says again. "They never have been."
"You killed some of his men."
"His men weren't civilians. They made choices. They carried weapons. They knew what they signed up for."
You look at him for a long moment. "And me?"
Jason holds your gaze. "You hid behind a wine rack and shook so hard I could hear your teeth chattering from across the room. You weren't a threat to anyone."
You nod slowly, like you're filing that information away for later. Then you stand up and close the first aid kit.
"You should eat something," you say. "There's leftover soup in the kitchen. I'll heat it up."
"I don't needâ"
"You're bleeding, you're tired, and you haven't eaten since yesterday. I've been here for almost a month. I know your schedule." You pick up the first aid kit and carry it back to the bathroom. "Sit there and don't move."
Jason opens his mouth to argue.
"Jason."
He closes his mouth. Heâs too tired to.
You disappear into the bathroom, and he hears you putting the kit back in its place. The water runs for a moment. You wash your hands. Then you walk past him toward the door that leads to the kitchen.
"I'll be back in five minutes," you note. "Don't do anything stupid."
"When have I ever done anything stupid?"
You pause in the doorway and look back at him. Your expression is dry, unimpressed, and something else that he can't quite put his finger on.
"Do you want the list alphabetically or chronologically?"
Before he can respond with something equally dry in humor, you're gone.
Jason sits on the couch with his bandaged hands and his stitched ribs and listens to you move around in the kitchen. The sound of a pot being placed on the stove. The click of a burner lighting. The quiet hum of your voice as you talk to yourself, though he can't make out the words.
He picks up his phone from the coffee table. No messages. He already knows there are no messages. He puts it back down. Then he picks it up again, checks the time, and puts it back down again. He's being an idiot.
You aren't afraid of him. You haven't been afraid of him for weeks now. That should bother him. It doesn't. He's not going to think about why.
He thinks about what you said. About being treated like furniture. About learning to be small. About hating Cobblepot and being relieved that someone finally did something about it. He pushes the thought away before it can settle. He doesn't have time for that. He has plans. Big plans. Ones that donât include you getting in the way of.
The soup will be ready in a few minutes. You'll come back with two bowls and sit across from him and you'll eat in silence or maybe you'll talk. He doesn't know which one he wants more.
He doesn't know what this is. He doesn't have a name for it.
For once, the Prince of Gotham doesn't have a plan. And for once? He didnât absolutely hate the feeling.
Š nagumolvr , you do not have permission to translate, steal, repost, or feed my work to ai.
Would you ever do a NSFW continuation AK!Jason x reader with pierced nips?? đđťđđť pretty pleaseđ
â âš nsfw â arkham knight gets a little too carried away..
đٞâ â one shot â nipple piercings â¸â¸ bondage â¸â¸ thigh fucking â¸â¸ jason cries during sex â¸â¸ vigilante!reader â¸â¸ gn!reader â¸â¸ blindfolds â¸â¸ slight cnc at the start â¸â¸ wc - 1.3k
⢠masterlist ă ak masterlist âŚ
the bedsheets were rough, clearly cheap ones bought from whatever store would sell them to a guy dressed up in the sort of tech arkham knight had on. you sat with your wrists and ankles zip tied together with a cheap blindfold on that irritated your eyelids as time stretched into uncertain hours. you shivered in the cool breeze coming from a window to your left, the faint sounds of gothamâs nightlife was the only thing you could hear.you tugged on the restraints, they didn't give you any leeway, you were starting to get a little impatient, it had been hours since you last ate. arkham knight had kidnapped you maybe 12 hours ago, the timeframe was still a work in progress, and you last ate 3 hours before that. heavy boots sounded outside, you tensed up as the stopped close by, a doorknob twisted as a creak echoed to your right.
âdear old daddy bats doesn't seem to care that youâre gone.â arkham knight's distorted voice sounded closer than it should've been, you didn't hear any footsteps after the door was opened meaning he either took his boots off or he was able to move silently. âis that what this is? bait for batman?â you questioned, the information would be valuable, if you were bait that would mean arkham knight likely wouldn't hurt you, if you weren't, well, you would cross that bridge when you got to it. âitâs whatever you believe it is.â you groaned, you could really do without the ambiguity. âoh, iâm sorry, did you want a clear answer?â arkham knight said sarcastically, âtough luck.â
âis there a point to this?â you sighed, head thudding against the backboard of the bed as frustration boiled under your skin. âaw, are you bored?â arkham knight sneered, making you twitch when he pinched at your cheek. you bared your teeth in warning, it only made him chuckle through his voice modulator. you felt goosebumps beginning to rise up through your body, âwhat's this, hm?â arkham knight teased, you felt confused for a moment before he flicked your nipple from under your suit, he hummed low and pleased as you jumped up at the sudden sensation. âstop.â you snapped, trying to keep your voice even as arkham knight pulled away. âi don't think you want me to stop.â he teased, you could hear the smugness through his damned modulator, it mage rage tingle through your fingertips. his gloved fingers wormed their way yo your spine, fiddling for a moment before finding the zipper, giving it a playful tug. âfound it.â
he dragged the zip down ever so slowly, you could feel each notch unlatch as it stopped at your lower back. âdo you want me to stop?â he pressed up against your ear, you could hear him almost panting when he was this close. you considered the question for a moment, the rational side of you demanded you stopped immediately, because really, what the hell were you doing? having sex with a villain (anti-hero?)? and the other part of you wanted nothing more than for him to continue. at least he had the decency to actually ask. you nodded softly, you couldn't hear his grin, or see it, but you felt it as his hands pushed your suit off, dragging it down to your waist. his hands came off you, you almost thought he would leave you like that. it wouldn't surprise you if he did, but his fingers came back, warm and slightly sweaty from having his gloves on.
they danced around you stomach before creeping upwards towards your nipples again, pinching one of them as you fought to contain a moan. one hand came away and you heard a buckle unlock and a soft thump of something hitting the floor, a few more sounds came after that, various zippers and buckles unlocking with the thump of items coming off, finally, he felt the bed underneath you shift and the heavy presence of arkham knight above you. he felt warm, you could hear him panting softly, had he taken his helmet off? you felt a wet, warm tongue flick your nipple as hands grasped your waist, clearly he had taken his helmet off. you almost laughed, who knew arkham knight would get horny enough to risk revealing his identity for a fuck.
the bed shuffled a little as arkham knight readjusted himself, you expected to feel the rest of your suit come off, instead you felt a hot, wet sensation from between your thighs, and it wasn't your own body. âare you fucking my thighs?â you asked incredulously, huffing a small laugh. arkham knight didn't answer - you didn't expect him to, after all he had no helmet on, but he did gently bite your nipple causing you to spasm slightly as your arousal grew thicker in the air. his dick loitered on top of the crease between your thighs, he rolled his hips just slightly, you heard him release a small whine as your lips quirked up in amusement, you had expected him to be a man who grunted, but you weren't displeased with the revelation.
his mouth drifted over to the other nipple, biting and soothing the bite with his tongue as his cock throbbed, you could feel how hot it was, wetness smearing all over your thighs, it had to hurt being that hard, arkham knight seemed too distracted by your chest to care, so you took the slight initiative and raised your thighs slightly, just enough to cover the tip. arkham knight spasmed, his teeth dug into your flesh as your piercing scraped across his teeth, a small whine left his throat, muffled by your flesh. the sharpness of his teeth made you squirm and arch your back slightly as it sent sensation straight to his belly, arousal peaking as the stimulation continued.
your hips stuttered, dragging his cock deeper into the crevice between your thighs, arkham knight panted heavily, you could feel the hot air punch against your nipple, warming up the metal in it. he drew his hips backwards slowly, dragging every vein across your thighs leaving a streak of wetness between them before sharply thrusting downward as he sucked on your nipple, his hand coming up to give stimulation to the other, a moan escaped your lips. he kept thrusting softly, you had expected him to be rough with it, instead he was slow and gentle, his tounge flicking up, down, across - up, across - down, across, across. âare you spelling your fucking name?â you asked disbelievingly, you felt him smile against your tender flesh and continue. the sensation built up, arkham knight's hips drew faster without being too rough, he let out small whines every so often, hand tightening against your waist and then loosening when he realised it was too tight. the knot in your stomach drew tighter as the stimulation against your nipple grew harder as his tongue and finger worked in tandem. ââm gonna cum,â you panted out, he didn't answer you, but he doubled down on his motions, both his mouth and hips.
you heard a choked gasp as his hips thrust forward once more, rougher this time, and stilled as he attempted to muffle a whine through your nipple which inevitably drew your own orgasm, your hips drew upwards, arkham knight whines at the overstimulation and you felt a wet drop land on your chest. was he crying? he rubbed his forehead against your skin, you could feel his eyes were slightly puffy and wetter. you placed your fingers into his hair the best you could with the zip ties restricting your movement, brushing the strands softly. for a moment you were reminded of another boy, one who was long gone, the texture was so similar it hurt your heart. you closed your eyes and laid back.
an. thank you for the request anon! you didn't specify what gender reader so i went as gender neutral as i could, sorry it took so long to get around to! i hope you enjoyed :) also thank you all for 45 followers in such little time! i appreciate you all greatly, your reblogs & follows & likes mean the world <3
Summary: Jason returns after being away for a few weeks, working on a case with Roy in Star City. When he comes home to an empty apartment, Jason soon learns where you go when he's not around. A place where his name has been memorialized in stone.
Word Count: 7K
Content Warnings: 18+, Explicit Sexual Content, mentions of death, graveyards, grief, and the handling of loss (you tell Jason how you processed his death), smut with feels, unprotected sex, established relationship, pet names galore, female!reader, no use of y/n, Jason is strong enough to carry you over his shoulder
A/N: I did not go into October expecting to come out of it being this obsessed with Jason Todd, but here we are...
Part of the Spooky Season Writing Challenge. â Day 29 Prompt: Sunflowers
Spooky Season Masterlist
The door shuts with a soft click behind him as Jason steps into your shared apartment. The first thing he notices is the faint scent of lemon and lavender from that natural cleaner you use to scrub the counters. The second thing he notices is how quiet the apartment is. Normally, when you're home, you'll have either music or the TV playing quietly in the background. He sets his duffel down on the floor and kicks off his boots before moving deeper into the apartment.
"Babe?" he calls, just to be sure. He's only met with more silence.
Maybe if he were a normal boyfriend with a normal job, his mind wouldn't immediately start jumping to the worst conclusions, but he's neither of those things. He immediately starts scanning the apartment for clues, like it's a crime scene. There's no sign of forced entry; he would have noticed if something was wrong with the door. The windows are all shut, blinds drawn. You probably weren't taken, which still doesn't bring him much relief.
Your purse is hanging on a hook by the door, but your phone, wallet, and keys are missing. Wherever you've gone, you're traveling light. This could either mean that you haven't gone very far or you've gone to a place where you're worried someone might try to snatch your stuff. Let's be honest, that could literally be anywhere in Gotham. Your winter boots are missing. The ones with fleece lining that you only wear when you plan on being outside for a while. That rules out you being nearby.
He moves deeper into the apartment. A pop of color draws his attention to the kitchen. There's a vase of sunflowers on the counter with a pale blue ribbon tied around the glass. The flowers are still in good shape, no signs of wilting just yet. You bought them recently.
He lifts the lid of the trash can. On the very top is a used tea bag; English breakfast, still damp. Your favorite mug sits upside-down on the drip rack, a few water droplets still sticking to the ceramic surface.
Jason takes a steadying breath and starts putting together all the clues. You were here this morning. You haven't been kidnapped. You're traveling light, but have dressed warm. He wracks his brain for places you could have gone. Not the grocery store; your reusable totes are still hanging by the door. Maybe the library? Or out to coffee with some friends?
He knows he won't have any peace of mind until he gets to the bottom of this mystery, so he pulls out his phone and gives you a call.
Straight to voicemail.
He sends a text instead.
Hey, just got home, wya?
Message undeliverable.
That's not normal.
Anxiety is starting to turn into panic, and kidnapping may be back on the table. He moves to his last resort option and pulls up the Location Tracker app on his phone. He's promised you that he only uses this app in cases of emergency. He's stayed true to that promise. Mostly...
His fingers drum impatiently on the countertop as he waits for the map to load, so he can finally know where you are.
Location not found.
"Fuck!" He pushes away from the counter, fingers running through his hair and fisting the strands. Now his mind is racing through every conceivable worst-case scenario. And with all the shit he's seen, he's got an horrendously vivid imagination. His hand darts out and grabs his phone, once more. He flips back to his contacts and calls someone else instead.
It rings twice before the line picks up. "Heyo! When'd you get back?" Dick's voice is entirely too chipper for his current mood.
"Just now." His gruff response isn't unusual for him, so Dick doesn't immediately pick up on his tension.
"Oh, cool. What's up?"
Jason releases a harsh breath, pushing his bangs off his forehead. "My girl's not home, and I can't reach her. Is she with you or at the house?"
"Nope, Tim and I are out grabbing pizza. I asked this morning if she wanted to come with us, but she said no."
"God damn it!" His frustration bleeds through his tone.
Dick finally recognizes that something might be wrong. His voice drops into that lower octave he uses when he gets into concerned big-brother mode. "What's going on, Jaybird?"
"I don't know. She's not here. I can't get through to her phone. I can't even get a read on her location."
"Did she know you were coming back today?"
Jason releases a long breath and clenches his fists to still his shaking hands. "No, I came back early. Was hoping to surprise her."
Dick stays quiet on the other end of the line. It's not the quiet of contemplation. It's strained. Tense.
"Dick, do you know something?" Jason reads the silence better than words. Sometimes it's what people don't say that speaks louder than what they do.
"I..." His voice breaks off with a sigh. "I might know where she is."
As soon as he has a location, Jason's back out the front door and is racing down the front steps to his motorcycle. His destination is definitely the last place he ever would have thought to look for you. It's a place he never thought he'd see again. Never really wanted to see again. He parks his bike just outside the wrought iron gates to Gotham Cemetery and shoves his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket before stepping through them.
This place is a dead zone for cell service. Pun intended. Which would explain why any attempt to reach you by phone had failed. It figures, given that the dead don't really have anyone to call.
Jason has a complicated relationship with death. As one would expect from someone who's been there and come back. It's not necessarily that cemeteries freak him out, more like there's just something deeply unsettling in knowing that his name is on one of these many stones. He walks the rows, not even taking in the names written on them. His internal thoughts are an uncomfortable mixture of 'what-the-fuck-am-I-doing-here' and if he doesn't find you soon, he may just explode.
He rounds the corner of a mausoleum, and sure enough, there is is.
Sitting atop the rectangular stone is a single sunflower stem, likely pulled from the bouquet he saw earlier in the kitchen. His eyes then land on the figure curled up beside the gravestone. Your back is leaning against the side of the grave, your hoodie pulled up with drawstrings tightened over your ears. One of his extra leather jackets is draped over your torso like a blanket. Your head is tucked against your chest, eyes closed, breaths even.
"Sunflower, what the hell are you doing?" He mutters under his breath as he approaches your sleeping figure. The relief at having found you is the most prominent emotion filling him; the rest are too complicated to describe.
He crouches down in front of you, forearms resting on his knees. He continues to watch you for another breath before he reaches out and brushes his fingers down the side of your face. "Time to wake up, pretty girl." Given how cold your skin is, it's clear you've been out here a long time.
He watches your brow furrow, your face leaning into the warmth of his touch. You inhale deeply, then blink up at him. "Jay?" Your voice is still thick with sleep. "You're back already? Why didn't you say anything?" You barely finish the last word before your mouth opens into a yawn.
"I couldn't reach you."
You cover your mouth with the back of your hand, finish your yawn, then tilt your head in confusion. "That's weird." You blink slowly, still half asleep.
"Baby, what are you doing here?" he finally asks you.
Your confusion only grows. "Whatdyu mean? I live here."
His laugh comes out as more of an incredulous huff. "What, you're living in a cemetery now?"
"Huh?" It takes another second for his words to process, but then you look around and realize exactly where you are. You sit up straight with a startled gasp. "Oh, shit. I fell asleep again!"
"Again?" Surprise ripples through him at the word. "Baby, how often are you coming here that even Dick knew you'd be here?"
You give him that tilted smile you use when you're trying to convince him you're too cute to be considered guilty of anything. "I mean... not that much recently?"
He arches a brow. "What does that mean?" He's not going to let you get away with evading the question.
You huff at his stubbornness. "Only when you've been gone a while. I come here when I miss you, okay?"
He absorbs your words like water absorbing heat from a flame. It feels like his chest is going to crack open from the magnitude of the emotion welling up inside him. He drops his knees to the soft grass and moves to sit cross-legged in front of you. You gulp when you realize this means he's getting himself comfortable for a longer conversation. He holds your gaze for a long moment before smiling wryly, "You know, most people just call someone when they miss them."
You avert your gaze, cross your arms over your chest, and slump back against his headstone. "You were busy. Didn't want you distracted. I know Roy really needed your help."
He reaches out again, hooking his finger under your chin to tilt your gaze back to his. "I'm never too busy for you, Sweetheart."
Your pulse jolts at the sincerity in his voice. You stare back at him for another heartbeat then crawl forward into his lap. Like a heatseeking missile, you press your frozen nose into the warmth of his neck and bury your face into his shoulder. "Missed you, Jay."
He wraps his arms around you tight, not even minding the chill of your skin against his. "Missed you, too." He brushes a soft kiss to your forehead, then tucks your head under his chin.
"M sorry," you mumble against his chest.
"For what, baby girl?"
"For desecrating your grave by sleeping all over it."
You feel the jolt of his laugh with your cheek pressed against his chest. "Oh, baby, you'd have to do a lot more than that for me to think you've desecrated anything. And honestly, even if you did, I still wouldn't mind because it's you."
You hum quietly and melt further against him, closing your eyes and listening to the steady drum of his heartbeat. Jason continues to hold you tight and tries to not stare at his own name written into stone. The silence that falls between you both isn't uncomfortable, but it is charged. He can tell you have something you want to say, but you're trying to figure out how best to say it. His patience has improved tremendously, now that he's found you. He waits until you're ready to talk.
"I used to come here a lot when you were... gone." You finally confess, keeping your head tucked under his chin. It's easier to say this without him looking directly at you. "In the beginning, it was because I just couldn't believe it was real. Every time, I kept thinking I'd turn the corner and find someone else's name written there. That it was all some cruel prank that you pushed too far. Like I'd show up one day and see you standing there with a stupid grin, going off about how good you got me. But, no... It was real. You were truly gone."
Your breath leaves you in a shaky exhale, but you keep going. "That was when the anger hit. Viscious, hot, and ugly. I was so fucking furious! Not at you, Jay. Never at you. But at Joker. At Bruce. At the whole world for taking you away from me!" Your fingers curl into his shirt, fisting the material. "We had our entire lives ahead of us. You were so young. But then you were gone and... I didn't know how to keep going without you."
Jason's palm cradles the side of your face, catching a tear with his thumb when it slides down your cheek. He has to bite his tongue to rein in his response. This conversation has been a long time coming, and he doesn't want to interrupt you until you've finished.
"So I came here and started talking to you like you never even left. I'd sit right here and tell you about my week. I'd tell you all the dumb school gossip we used to joke about. I told you when I got a part in the spring musical. I came here to practice my lines. Hell, I sometimes even did my homework here. I just... I didn't want you to miss out on the things I had to do without you."
You feel a droplet land on your cheek that didn't come from your own eyes. You lift your head off his chest and look up. His jaw is clenched tight, like he's trying to keep his welling tears at bay, but the wet trail under his left eye is proof of his failure. You reach up and brush the wetness away. "It got easier with time. As it does with most things. I stopped crying as frequently. Started laughing again. I was still sad, but sharing everything with you helped."
Jason swallows around the thickness in his throat, but his voice still comes out rough when he speaks. "So, when are we getting to the part where you started sleeping out here?"
You cover your embarrassment with a breathless laugh. "It was an accident the first time. Stayed out too late doing homework by flashlight. Fell asleep with my cheek pressed to the textbook. Henry found me that time."
"Who's Henry?"
"The groundskeeper. He woke me up, gave me a blanket and a thermos with hot chocolate to warm up, then took me home after I begged him not to call my parents. After that, I started dressing warmer, and he eventually stopped trying to get me to leave. Your 18th birthday was the first time Dick caught me out here. I snuck a bottle of something out of my dad's alcohol cabinet. Don't even remember what it was, just that it tasted horrible."
"Jesus, you got shit hammered on my birthday without me?"
Your laugh is thick with unshed tears. "I poured one out for you! Actually, I probably poured several out for you by accident. I was a sloppy drunk back then."
"Still are." He grins when you glare at his teasing.
"Anyway... Dick showed up after I'd just about finished the bottle. He sat with me for two hours while waiting for me to sober up before taking me home. We talked about you. He let me blubber all over him. It was not my finest moment... After that, he started checking in with me more regularly. If I didn't respond, he'd seek me out, find me passed out here, and then he'd take me home."
That explains why Dick knew exactly where to look for you. Jason is grateful his brother was there for you in a time when he couldn't be, but he can't help the tiny spark of jealousy. He knows the feeling is unfounded. That Dick has never seen you in a romantic light, but it still grates on his nerves.
"After I started going to GCU, I stopped coming here as often. University schedules are so weird, and classes became too difficult. I traded falling asleep on my books out here for falling asleep on them in the school library." You go quiet for a moment, your eyes tracing every feature on his face with a reverence that makes his heart race. "And then, one night during my sophomore year, a miracle climbed through the window of my dorm room."
"A miracle?" he echoes the word with a dubious huff. "You nearly sent me back to an early grave with a metal baseball bat to the side of my head."
Your lips twitch as you fight the amused grin. "Hey, a pretty, young, college girl can never be too careful. You caught it before I could actually land a blow, anyway."
He smirks at the memory. "So then I guess the rest is history?"
"Pretty much," you return his smirk. "I had you back, and I knew I was never going to let you go again. The boy I loved had come back to me a man, and if he had to walk through the fires of hell to come back, then I would do nothing less to learn how to love him again." You hold his face in your hands. This beautiful, stubborn, broken man. Who tries so hard every day to atone for the blood on his hands. Who loves fiercely and feels emotions deeper than anyone else, even if he has difficulty expressing them. "I love you, Jason. I loved you before. I loved you when you were lost to me. I love you now. I've loved every version of you, even when you didn't love yourself. You're mine. Always."
You bring his face down until your lips meet. He kisses you like he's been holding himself back this entire time and has finally broken free from the shackles. He doesn't understand how you could love someone like him. He's done nothing to deserve such devotion. His sins are stacked higher than his virtues, but he's too selfish to let you go. At this point, he's realized that he doesn't need to understand it. He just needs to believe it.
You moan into his mouth as his hand moves to cradle the back of your head. He tilts, deepening the kiss, tongue gliding against yours. It's not pretty or elegant. It's rough, raw, hungry. It's a starving man in front of a feast. It's finding the oasis in the middle of a barren desert. It's the salvation of a sinner.
When he crawled his way out of the Lazarus pit, filled with anger and hatred and vengeance, you were the only piece of good still left inside of him. You make him want to be better than what the pit spat out. You make him strive for greatness when he otherwise would have given up. He's the best possible version of himself now, because you helped him get there.
"I love you," he confesses against your lips. "I know I'm too fucking awkward to say it all the time, but I do. I love you so fucking much."
"I know." Your laugh whispers across his mouth like a secret. "You don't need to say it for me to know. I feel it when your knuckles brush the back of my hand when we're both moving around the kitchen in the morning. When you say you're too tired to wash up after a patrol, but really you just don't want to spend another minute away from me. When you kiss me every night before bed, even if I'm already asleep. You speak through action, Jay. You always have. I've learned to become fluent in Jason Todd."
His hands flex where they're pressed to your body. "Okay, I need to get you home before we get caught for public indecency."
You giggle, shifting your weight slightly in his lap. "What, you're not going to help me desecrate your grave by fucking me on top of it?"
"Jesus fucking Christ!" He looks at you like you've grown two heads. "That's... babe, that's fucked up."
"Maybe," your smile is anything but innocent. "And yet, I definitely felt a twitch."
His hands clamp down on your hips before you can rock against him again. "That's only because you're rubbing up on me like a cat in heat!"
"That's a lame excuse, Todd."
He grunts low in his chest as his hips rock of their own accord, grinding his half-hard erection against you. "Okay, okay," he concedes. "Completely fucked up, but yeah... kinda hot. We're still not doing it."
"Fine." You mercifully stop teasing him with your gyrating hips. "Then let's go home. Your girl's been super horny without you."
"Yeah, I'm gathering that much." How you were able to seamlessly transition from the most beautifully poetic declaration of love he's ever heard to whatever the fuck this is? He'll never know.
He watches you push yourself to standing, one hand staying on your hip to ensure your balance, before he follows. You wipe a few stray pieces of grass from your pants and straighten your clothing, slipping Jason's spare leather jacket, that you had been using as a makeshift blanket, back over your shoulders. Jay spares one last glance at his gravestone. For the first time, seeing it doesn't cause that unsettling discomfort like it usually does.
"What's with the sunflower?" he asks you while throwing his arm over your shoulder and tucking your body into his side before the two of you start walking away.
You stay quiet for a few steps, but he catches to softened tilt to your lips. "Because I know it's what you secretly call me when you think I'm not listening."
His shoulders stiffen for a moment, and then he releases an embarrassed chuckle. He should have known you'd find out about that eventually.
When you tilt your face up to his, the look in your eyes is too pure for this cruel world. "I wanted to leave a little piece of me behind to be with the parts of you that never left that grave."
"Fucking hell, babe..." His arm tightens around your shoulder as he blinks up at the clouds to hold back the tidal wave of emotion rolling through him. "You need to start easing up on the emotional whiplash."
You reach a hand up to tilt his face and kiss the underside of his chin. "Sorry."
"And maybe a small heads-up text would be appreciated the next time you decide to go galavanting in places without cell service, so I don't have a panic attack when I come home to an empty apartment."
Your steps come to a sudden halt, which causes him to stop as well. You meet his gaze once more, clearly distressed. "Oh fuck, Jay. I'm so sorry! Was it bad?"
A part of him wants to brush it off, to not make you worry any more than you already are, but after all the honesty you've just shown him, he can't bring himself to lie to you. "I may have gone full crime scene investigator for a minute, and then I did try to use the tracking app on you. When that didn't work, I called Dick and he knew exactly where you were."
"Shit. I didn't mean to freak you out. I'll start leaving sticky notes, just in case."
"I'm not blaming you, baby girl. You didn't even know I was coming home today."
"Still..." You bite your bottom lip, guilt lining your features. "Maybe I should just do what you suggested earlier and call you when I miss you. I really don't need to be coming here anymore."
"Hey, no." He reaches for your face and tilts it up to meet his. "If coming here helps you emotionally, I don't want you to stop. Hell, I know I can be pretty damn hard to talk to, so if it's easier to talk to a hunk of stone with my name on it, then that's fine with me."
You snort and nudge your elbow into his chest. "That's not true!"
"Oh, it's absolutely true." He chuckles and starts walking again. "You don't need to stop, Sunflower. Just let me know, so I don't worry."
"Okay, I will." The two of you approach his bike. He pulls his spare helmet out from the compartment under the seat and slips it over your head. "Can we stop for ice cream on the way home?" You grin up at him as he cinches your chin strap.
"Absolutely not."
Your grin falters. "What? Why?"
"You just spent god fucking knows how long sleeping outside in frigid autumn air. We're going straight home, where you're going to shower and drink cinnamon tea, until I'm certain you don't have hypothermia."
You purse your lips into a pout. "It's not my first rodeo, Jay." You reach into the front pockets of your hoodie and pull out two white, beanbag-looking packets. "I've got hand warmers, and foot warmers, and thermal leggings under my jeans."
He crosses his arms and stands his ground. "It's still too cold for ice cream."
You shove the hand warmers back into your pockets then step up into Jason's personal space. "I'll happily submit to a full body exam, if you want." You trace a finger up and down his forearm. "But I can tell you already, that the coldest part on my body is between my legs and exchanging body heat is the only way to warm her back up."
He sighs in exasperation. "Get on the fucking bike." His touch is gentle, but insistent when he nudges you toward the motorcycle.
You laugh and mercifully stop your teasing, hopping onto the back and getting comfortable on the leather.
He shakes his head slowly while running a hand through his hair. "I leave for like two weeks and now you're fuckin' feral or some shit." He throws his leg over the bike, gripping the handle bars to straighten it out and releases the kickstand.
You push forward, molding your front to his back and wrap your arms around his waist. "I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating."
You feel his abs clench under your hands before he groans. "Babe, don't fucking tell me that right before I have to drive."
You giggle and press the forehead of your helmet between his shoulder blades. "Sorry!"
"You're a fuckin' menace," he mutters under his breath without any real heat behind it.
He makes sure your grip on him is secure before he takes off down the streets of Gotham. You're pretty sure the phrase 'like a bat out of hell' was coined specifically to describe the way Jason rides. He never takes unnecessary risks when you're riding with him, but the way he so seamlessly weaves between the other cars, how he turns like the vehicle is just an extension of his body, it's incredible. He only ever goes as fast as he knows you're comfortable with, but even at his top speed, his reaction times are leagues better than anyone else on the road.
Within minutes, you're turning onto a familiar street, and then Jason rolls his bike into the parking spot outside your apartment complex. He shuts the bike off and swings his leg around to stand up. You don't even have time to shift in your seat before he's turned and is hoisting your body up and over his shoulder.
You yelp, startled by the shift in gravity. "Jay, what the hell!"
"You've got no one to blame but yourself." He smacks your ass, not hard enough to hurt, but enough to get you to yelp again. He carries you like a caveman up the front steps and into your apartment building. You wave to a wide-eyed Mrs. Drossier when you pass by the mailroom. She's the sweet older lady who lives down the hall from you both. She just shakes her head while chuckling to herself and mutters something about being young and virile.
Jason doesn't show any signs of strain from having your entire weight thrown over his shoulder as his fingers drum absent-mindedly against the back of your thigh while he waits for the elevator to reach your floor. The keys to the door are already in his hand, and he kicks it shut behind you both after he steps inside. He heads straight down the hall to the bedroom and drops you down onto the center of the mattress, where you land with a small 'oof'.
"You done manhandling me?" you ask with an amused tilt to your mouth.
"Don't pretend like this isn't exactly what you wanted." He grabs your foot and holds it against his thigh while he unlaces your boot before he pulls it off and tosses it to the side. He does the same with your other boot, then follows that up with yanking off your pants and leggings and allowing those to also fall to the floor. "Had me on a fucking emotional roller coaster all fuckin' day."
With your legs free, you push up onto your knees and kneel at the foot of the bed in front of him. "I swear I didn't mean to scare you, Jay." You place your hands on his chest and meet his gaze so he can be sure to see the sincerity in yours.
"I know you didn't, and that's not what I'm talking about anyway." He reaches up to cup your face between both of his hands. "Why didn't you ever tell me before what you went through after I died?"
You flinch slightly at his phrasing. It's still hard for you to hear that word in relation to him, even if he can say it so casually. "Because I was worried you'd think that I blamed you for leaving me behind."
"Do you?"
"Of course not!" You look offended by the question.
He smiles, soft and tender in a way he only gets with you. "Then, I don't think that." He slants his lips over yours, sealing his words with a kiss.
You sigh contentedly against him, one hand curling into the material of his jacket at his shoulder while the other holds the back of his neck. He kisses you slow and savoring, like he's allowing your every taste to settle on his tongue before he seeks out more. One of his hands slides down your back and bands around your waist, pinning your body to his. You moan and rock your hips forward against the bulging erection in his pants.
"Fuck," he nips your lower lip and grinds against you. "If you had rubbed up on me one more time in that cemetery, I probably really would have pinned you to the fucking gravestone. I was so fucking close to losing it."
You pull back with a laugh that sounds like bells, eyes flashing with amusement. "God, that would have immediately been bumped up to the number-one spot of craziest places we've fucked."
He chuckles in response. "You keeping track of shit like that?"
You smirk. "Um, duh. Iceberg Lounge is number one right now."
He squeezes his eyes shut and quickly shakes his head. "Oh, fuck. Don't remind me. Thought my fucking balls were gonna fall off."
You snicker at the memory, then pin him with a look full of mischief. "Also, speaking of frozen genitaliaâ"
"Words I've never needed, nor wanted, to hear anyone utter."
You narrow your eyes and keep talking. "I thought you were supposed to be inspecting me for hypothermia?"
"Yeah, I was getting to that."
You shuffle back toward the center of the bed again while pulling off your hoodie, top, and underwear. Jason also rapidly strips off his clothes before crawling over your body. He holds himself up on his forearms and bends down just enough to give you a quick peck on the lips.
"I already checked your mouth. It passes inspection." You giggle under him as his lips trail over your cheek and down your neck. "Shoulders feel fine." He travels lower. "Tits are fantastic." That gets another laugh.
"I thought I already told you where I'm coldest." You fidget under him.
"I'm getting there!" He kisses down the length of your torso, tongue flicking against your belly button. His hands settle over your thighs, but you're already spreading them wide in anticipation as he kisses down your abdomen. You push up onto your elbows as his teasing journey reaches its final destination. He holds your gaze, pupils blown, eyes intense as he drags the flat of his tongue through your slick folds. You release a breathy whimper, hips twitching at the flicking flourish he lands against your clit. The tilted grin growing on his face is pure evil when he moves to pull his face away. "I don't know, baby. You seem fine to me. Passed the inspection with flying colors."
You immediately hook your ankles over his back, keeping his shoulders trapped between your thighs. You know he could break out of your hold easily, but it's part of the game. "You're supposed to check deeper!" You insist.
"Deeper, huh?" He settles back down between the apex of your thighs. You feel his tongue moving against you once more, tracing your folds, circling your clit, then moving back down to your dripping entrance. You fall back onto the mattress again, back arching as he fucks you with his tongue.
"Oh, fuck! Yes, Jay! Right there!"
He gives you a few tantalizing seconds of ecstasy, and then he pulls away, yet again. "Pretty sure you've got nothing to worry about. No hypothermia here."
"Deeper, Jay! Please!"
"Well... If you insist." He swipes his fingers through your slick folds, collecting your wetness against the pads before he sinks two inside you.
Your lips part in a guttural cry, hips jerking up against his hand. He pushes them in to the last knuckle. You can hear the wet sounds of your body sucking on his fingers, and it only turns you on even more. He curls his fingers inside, pressing against your upper wall and making you scream. He knows your body. He's learned it with all the lethal efficiency he uses to size up an opponent, stacked on top of the intimate knowledge that comes purely through the act of loving someone.
Little things he notices, only because it's you. Like how you often grip the sheets, or your breast, or your hair with your right hand, but your left always has to be touching him in some capacity. Like how it's gripping his shoulder even now. Or how your hips lose the rhythm of their rocking when pleasure starts to override your concentration. He waits for the shift. Knows it's coming soon.
Sure enough, your hips falter in their pace, and he uses that queue to extract his fingers with a wet squelch from between your legs. The broken whine that tears out of you is almost enough to shred the last of his composure. Almost. "I checked pretty deep in there, baby girl, and if anything, I think you're only getting hotter."
"Fuck, Jay!" You writhe under him from unfulfilled pleasure. "Deeper! Just a little deeper. Please, I need it!" You're practically sobbing.
"I'm not sure how much deeper I can get..." He feigns ignorance.
"Your cock can get deeper!" You feel no shame. Not when you're this close to getting what you want.
"Now there's an interesting idea." He unhooks your legs from around his torso, so he can move back up the length of your body. "I don't normally do inspections quite this thorough. Are you sure this is what you want?"
If you weren't so desperate, you might have tried to smack that smug smirk off his face. "Jason, if you don't fuck me soon, I swear to fucking godâ"
"Easy there, tiger." His hips drop, grinding his length between your folds. "I've got what you want." He reaches an arm down between your bodies to grip his base and align himself against you. He sinks into your silken heat, his chest vibrating on the groan that leaks out of him like honey. "God, I fuckin' missed you."
You grab his face and bring his lips back to yours in an open-mouthed kiss, breaths mixing with moans. His thrusts start shallow, carefully working himself deeper into your body. You pin his hips with your knees and hook your legs around his thighs, encouraging his movements until he's pressed to the hilt and filling you completely. "Fuckk, Jay!"
"That deep enough for you, sweetheart?" He looks down at you through lidded eyes, hips grinding in a circular motion so his pelvic bone catches against your clit.
"God!" Your back arches, breasts molding to his massive chest. "So fucking deep..."
His chuckle crackles with desire. "Baby, you're squeezin' me like you're never letting go."
"'M not." You further your point by wrapping your arms over his shoulders and holding him tight against you. "You're mine forever, Jason Todd."
He smiles crookedly, like he'd have it no other way. "Sounds good to me."
His thrusts gain speed and momentum, hips snapping against yours. He sets a punishing pace, making up for lost time. One hand grips your hip, fingers digging into the flesh of your ass, while the other fists the sheets near your head. With your hands splayed across his back, you feel every ripple of his muscles as he moves above you.
"Oh!" you moan, the pleasure building in your core at an exponential rate.
"Yeah?" He huffs, the fluttering of your walls around him driving him to the brink. "Bet this pussy's not cold anymore, huh?"
"Faster, Jay! I'm so close!"
"So bossy," he laughs breathlessly, but complies immediately. The tempo of his balls slapping against your ass nearly doubles.
"Ungh!" You arch up into him again, as he slams over and over against that part inside you that has your eyes rolling back. "Oh, fuck. I'm gonna cum." You feel sparks across your nerve endings, your cunt repeatedly clenching and unclenching around him.
"Give it to me, baby. Wanna feel you drench my cock." He slips his hand back between your bodies and flicks his thumb over your clit, making your pleasure soar.
"Shit! Jason, ohmygod!!" Your hips start jerking uncontrollably against his touch. That spark turns into a lightning bolt, completely overriding your system with nothing but pure, unfiltered pleasure. He continues to pound into you, unrelenting, dominant, devoted.
His chest rumbles with a sound of gratification, like your release brings him greater pleasure than his own. "Yeah, baby. So fuckin' good f'me."
You're still shivering and hanging onto his shoulder blades for dear life when his muscles tense and he goes still above you. Heat floods your center as he fills you with his release. You feel his cock's twitching spasms until his balls have emptied every drop into you. He presses his forehead to yours, eyes squeezed shut as he rides the sensations and feelings of his climax. It's never just carnal satisfaction or basal desire; there are layers. Overwhelming gratitude that you not only exist in his life, but also allow him to share himself with you in ways he once thought would never be possible. A deeply rooted sense of loyalty to you and the bond you both share. Protective instinct, like a wild beast regarding its mate. A love so profound, it's practically etched into his DNA.
He feels your body go soft and pliant beneath him, muscles exhausted and going lax. He savors the feeling of being pressed flush against you for a few more breaths before shifting his hips back and dragging his softening cock out from between your legs. "How're we doing, Sunflower?"
You hum and grin with lazy satisfaction. "Perfect. 15 out of 10 stars. Best inspection service I've ever used."
He huffs an amused laugh and shuffles off the side of the bed. He walks over to the ensuite bathroom to clean himself up, then returns with a wet washcloth for you. He runs it carefully between your legs, then tosses the soiled cloth with perfect precision into the open laundry hamper at the other end of the room. He joins you back on the bed, lying back against the pillows and pulling your body onto his chest.
You snuggle into his warmth, cheek smooshed onto his bulky pectoral. Your eyes are already half closed, your body limp and molded completely to his, but you fight to stay awake. "I forgot to ask, how's Roy and how'd the mission in Star City go?"
"It was clean. No major incidents to report, this time. Which is a relief, since that's part of why I was able to come home early." You feel his fingers brush gently up and down your spine in a soothing gesture, which does not help with your battle against impending sleep. "Roy's good, but I told him what you told me to tell him," he chuckles.
"What was that?" you ask, unsure about what he's referring to, especially with your mind halfway to dreamland.
"That if I got hurt at all while on his watch, you'd shove an exploding arrow up his ass."
"Oh, yeah..." you giggle, remembering the conversation now. "How did he respond?"
"He said any woman crazy enough to date me is a woman not to be trifled with, so I'd better watch my fucking back."
You hum, both sleepy and amused. "Smart man."
"Get some sleep. I've got you."
You release a contented sigh that whisps across his chest. "Thank you for coming home to me, Jay."
He knows you don't just mean after this most recent mission. He tightens his hold around you, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "I'll always come back. Never leaving you again, Sunflower."
SYNOPSIS: Doubting is treason. In the Soviet Union, treason is paid for with death.
Youâve known this since you were a child. The words are burned into your mind. But sometimes, that ironclad truth cracks in your chestâespecially when your path collides with the Winter Soldier.
He is nothing like the monster the Red Room made you fear. He is only a man⌠or what remains of one. And the closer you get to him, the more everything youâve been taught begins to fracture under a new, dangerous light of understanding.
Assigned as his handler, you watch as fragmented memories torment him with increasing frequency, slowly revealing the humanity buried beneath the weapon. You begin to share his doubts, and when a final order makes you realize how tightly the chain binds both of you, youâll have to make a choice: follow the path you were forged for, or risk everything in search of the closest thing to freedom you can find.
PAIRING: Winter Soldier x Black Widow! Reader.
WARNINGS: Graphic Violence: Descriptions of combat, torture, murders, and physical injuries, including mutilations and the consequences of inhuman experiments.
Psychological Trauma and Abuse: Themes of emotional manipulation, abuse of power by institutions, PTSD, induced amnesia, and the exploration of fragmented identities. Includes flashbacks to childhood abuse and forced orphanhood.
Explicit Sexual Content: Scenes of consensual intimacy between adults as a coping mechanism for shared trauma. It is not the main erotic focus, but it includes sensory descriptions of physical and emotional connection, with emphasis on vulnerability and healing.
From Russia, with Love is a fictional story set during the Cold War in the Soviet Union. It includes sensitive depictions of historical and fictional events, ideologies, and political contexts of the era.
This work does not reflect the authorâs personal beliefs nor promote any extreme ideologies. It is a creative narrative inspired by the Marvel universe and espionage themes, taking liberties that prioritize storytelling over strict historical accuracy.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading! This is my first time writing an x reader story, so Iâm a bit nervous but very excited to share it with you. English is not my native language, so I apologize in advance for any grammar mistakes or awkward phrasing. Iâve done my best to make it flow naturally, but feel free to point out any errors gently if you spot them.
summary: Two-Face is a little obsessed with Batman's new partner, so he takes the necessary measures to keep her close, even if it's just for a few hours.
pairing; Harvey Dent x Vigilante!fem!reader
note: If I have to justify this, I'm going to say two things: my fav batman villain, and second, he is hot.
Gotham was a city too big for even Batman to protect alone.
Over the years, the Bat-family had grown precisely for that reason. There were nights when Dick was patrolling BlĂźdhaven, Barbara Gordon was coordinating operations from the Clock Tower, and Jason, Tim, Damian, or the others were busy with their own missions.
On those occasions, Batman needed someone he could trust without reservation.
That's where you came in.
You were his field partner when circumstances demanded it and when your university life allowed it, but you were happy to help the bat in any way you could.
Bruce trusted your judgment, your ability to improvise, and above all, your ability to keep up with him on patrol. He didn't need to give you orders every second; a single glance was enough to understand the plan. He also appreciated that you weren't some rebellious kid trying to impress him to stay. You were less trouble than all the others who had come before.
That's why, when the city became too chaotic or everyone else was unavailable, it was your communicator that would ring.
Over time, the police grew accustomed to seeing you alongside the Dark Knight. Commissioner Gordon wasn't even surprised anymore when, instead of Nightwing or Batgirl, it was you descending from a building with Batman.
The criminals also learned your name. They knew that if you showed up, the chances of escape would decrease dramatically.
And, in a surprisingly short time, you had already faced a long list of Gotham's most dangerous criminals. Names you only knew from Batman's files or the news a few years ago: the Joker, the Penguin, the Riddler, the Scarecrow, Poison Ivy, and, of course, Two-Face.
You never imagined that those figures, almost mythical to any citizen, would end up becoming part of your daily routine. Each one had their own methods, their own quirks, and a different way of challenging Batman. Over time, you learned to adapt to them all, to anticipate their moves, and even to recognize when one of them was planning something big.
However, there was one who was very creative, as you had faced him at least three nights in the same week.
At first, it seemed like a simple coincidence. Two-Face frequently appeared in the operations you were involved in. Then, he started ignoring opportunities to escape in order to confront you personally. Later, he stopped being content with just exchanging a few words during battles.
Nobody paid any attention to it. After all, Gotham was full of obsessive men.
But this was not a simple rivalry; it was the beginning of a fixation that, as the months passed, would end up becoming a dangerous obsession on the part of the renowned Harvey Dent.
One night a call came in shortly after midnight.
One of Batman's informants had obtained a crucial lead: Two-Face was planning to meet with several members of Gotham's mafia at an old dockside warehouse. According to the information, a deal involving weapons and money from various criminal families would be finalized there.
So less than twenty minutes later, the Batmobile stopped a few blocks away.
The building was enormous. An old brick industrial warehouse, abandoned for years, its only light coming from a few exterior spotlights that flickered intermittently. The wind creaked the rusted sheets of the roof while the harbor water lapped gently against the wooden pilings.
Batman scanned the building through the visor of his cowl. "I see no movement."
"Perhaps we arrived ahead of schedule," you whispered.
The place was unsettling; it was too quiet and gloomy given the poor visibility due to the lack of lights. Inside, hundreds of containers, wooden crates, and machinery covered by tarpaulins formed a veritable labyrinth.
Batman raised a hand, signaling you to stop. He crouched down next to some fresh footprints.
"These ones are new."
"So someone was here."
"Or is it still here..."
They continued advancing in silence; only their muffled footsteps and the steady drip of water from the ceiling could be heard. Suddenly, Batman's communicator emitted a faint beep, and a heat signature appeared in his visor.
"Movement on the second level." he looked up at the metal walkways. "I'm going upstairs. You check the east side. If you find anything, don't act alone."
You nodded.
It wasn't the first time they had separated during a patrol; they were both used to working that way, and he knew you would take his words into account.
You waited for Batman to disappear into the shadows before continuing, as you moved forward between the containers, the feeling of discomfort increasing.
It was as if someone was watching you.
You turned slowly, but there was nothing in that area, only darkness accompanied you. You took a deep breath and continued, but a faint metallic noise resonated behind you.
Then a box fell several meters away. Instinctively you ran towards the sound, and as soon as you crossed the narrow passage formed by two rows of containers, several metal gates crashed down behind and in front of you.
You were locked in.
"Batman!" You reached for the communicator, but only heard static.
The signal had been blocked.
Before you could react, four men emerged from the shadows. They were Two-Face's men.
The first one tried to grab you, but you knocked him down with an elbow to the jaw, the second one received a kick that threw him against a container, the third one managed to fire, forcing you to take cover behind some boxes.
You knew you couldn't stay trapped there, you threw a batarang, cutting the lights in the hallway, the darkness was on your side.
For a few seconds, there were only thumps, muffled screams, and the sound of metal hitting the ground. One after another, the men fell. And when the last one finally lay unconscious, you sighed.
It was over, or at least that's what you thought.
A voice sounded behind you. "The boss said we couldn't fail."
You turned around too late; something heavy had hit the back of your head hard.
A sharp pain shot through your skull, your knees gave way instantly leaving you completely dizzy and blind, while through the ringing in your ears you heard footsteps approaching.
"Is she alive?"
"Yeah."
"Perfect... The boss made it very clear he didn't want a scratch on her, kill the idiot who shot her."
Before you completely lost consciousness, you saw a pair of elegant black boots stop in front of you.
Then a silver coin fell to the floor and Harvey Dent's face flashed before your eyes for just a second. "Take her."
Everything went black.
The return to consciousness was slow and painful.
Before you opened your eyes, a sharp thump hammered at the back of your head. The thump was still there, pulsing insistently, as if each beat of your heart echoed against your skull.
The air was cold, damp, with that unmistakable smell of old wood and dust accumulated over years.
You slowly opened your eyes. The light was dim, barely enough to make out the shapes in the room. A single lamp hung from the ceiling, swaying slightly and casting irregular shadows on the walls.
You blinked several times, trying to focus; it wasn't common to be surprised by someone hitting your head until you lost consciousness, how painful it all was.
The first thing you did was try to get up, but a strong pull in your wrists prevented you from doing so.
Looking down, you saw steel handcuffs encircling both your wrists, securing them to the armrests of an old wooden chair. These weren't makeshift handcuffs; they were reinforced and bolted directly to the chair's frame. You pulled a second time, harder, but barely managed to budge the chair a few inches off the ground.
You took a deep breath to force yourself to think clearly; you couldn't exert force, it only made your head throb even more and you weren't going to get anywhere. You had to find another way to solve it, but first, rule number one: don't panic.
You could hear Bruce's voice telling you that.
As long as you remained calm, there would always be a chance to escape. You looked up and finally took in your surroundings.
The room was enormous; several rows of wooden benches stretched out before you, covered with a thin layer of dust. To one side still stood the judge's bench, raised above the rest of the room, and behind it hung the Gotham crest, cracked in two. The windows were completely boarded up, preventing any light from entering.
An old courthouse in one of the abandoned buildings.
An almost ironic choice for Harvey Dent. The former district attorney had turned a place dedicated to administering justice into his hideout for a kidnapping.
You couldn't keep dwelling on the situation you were in because the sound of a door opening broke the silence.
The footsteps echoed on the wooden floor with an unsettling calmness. Then Harvey appeared, or at least what was left of Harvey Dent.
His figure emerged from the shadows with the same elegance he had once possessed as Gotham's district attorney. The undamaged side of his suit remained impeccably pressed, while the other half was charred and torn, as was the deformed skin of his face.
He carried a revolver in one hand and in the other, he absentmindedly twirled his characteristic silver coin between his fingers.
He entered the room, his gaze fixed on you, his attention so intense it sent a shiver down your spine, and stopped just a few feet away from you.
The only sound was the soft clinking of the coin as it passed from one finger to another.
You were the one who finally broke that awkward silence. "I have to admit, this is a pretty extreme method for starting a conversation."
The corner of his mouth, on the good side, curled slightly. "If I had invited you, you wouldn't have come." His voice was calm, as if they were talking in a coffee shop and not in an abandoned courtroom with you handcuffed in front of him.
You looked at him in disbelief. "Well... I mean, you can't blame me."
Harvey did not respond immediately.
He simply pulled a chair from among the benches in the courtroom. The scrape of the wood against the floor echoed throughout the room as he slowly moved it closer until it was right in front of you.
He rested his forearms on his knees, holding the coin between his fingers, still keeping his gaze fixed on you, and that was what was truly unsettling.
He wasn't interrogating you, he didn't want information about Batman, he didn't even seem interested in threatening you. It was as if he'd been waiting for this moment for a long time and, now that he finally had it, he didn't quite know where to begin.
Harvey remained seated in front of you without saying a single word.
The chair he had dragged until it was in front of yours creaked every time he shifted his position slightly. Between his fingers, the coin twirled with an almost mechanical skill; it seemed an unconscious movement, a habit acquired after so many years.
You, on the other hand, did not take your eyes off the handcuffs that bound your wrists.
His gaze drifted down to your wrists. "Are they too tight?"
You blinked, confused. "Pardon?"
"The handcuffs." he made a small gesture with his head, indicating them. "I didn't want them to be so tight."
You watched him, unsure if he was joking to annoy you or what was wrong with him, but his expression remained completely neutral.
"Kidnap me"
He barely inclined his head. "Yes."
You waited for an explanation or for him to continue talking so you could get some information, but nothing, and the silence became increasingly uncomfortable.
You exhaled slowly through your nose. "And you don't see anything strange about all this and what you're saying?"
The coin stopped spinning for a moment. Harvey held it between his thumb and forefinger before answering. "No."
He didn't really find anything strange about the situation.
"Batman is coming."
"I know."
"And when he arrives..."
"He'll try to get you out of here."
"So... why do it?"
Harvey looked down at the coin and rolled it slowly on his knuckles. "Because you'll be here for a few hours."
You frowned. "What?"
He looked at you again. "Without him."
You didn't understand.
"Whenever we meet, Batman is in the way." His voice remained measured. "There are always gunshots, explosions, people running; we can never finish a conversation."
You looked at him in disbelief, what the hell was happening? The signs that he was out of his mind were obvious, but this was something, you had to be smart if you wanted to get out of here alive.
Where the hell is Batman when someone needs him?
"Conversation? Harvey, every time we meet you try to shoot me."
"I've never shot at you."
The statement came from his lips with such certainty that it made you fall silent, leaving you to mentally review each confrontation.
And suddenly you realized he was right, what a strange feeling to think that a murderer and criminal like Two-Face was right, the hit and his timeshare were damaging your mind.
He had shot at Batman, at the police, at vehicles, but never directly at you.
What a romantic man, right?
Harvey noticed the change in your expression. "You remembered." He leaned back in his chair. "That's why I needed to bring you here."
"You need to?"
He nodded slowly. "It's the only way you'll stay long enough."
The casual way he uttered that sentence was far more unsettling than any threat. He spoke like someone who had reached a perfectly reasonable conclusion after analyzing all the possibilities.
You would escape, Batman would appear, and the conversations would end.
So he removed the only thing that was preventing you from staying there and
He kidnapped you.
And, judging by the serene expression on his face, it was clear that he didn't understand why that should seem like madness to you.
"Enough time for what?" you asked in a low voice.
Harvey held your gaze, the coin had stopped spinning between his fingers. For the first time since you had woken up, he seemed to hesitate.
He opened his mouth, ready to answer.
But a loud crash shook the entire room.
The old skylight exploded above their heads, sending hundreds of shards of glass hurtling to the ground.
Harvey barely had time to look up when a black figure descended, wrapped in a cloak.
Batman.
He didn't even have time to react; a punch landed squarely on the uninjured side of his jaw, forcing him back. Before he could regain his balance, Batman spun around and connected with a second, direct blow to his face.
Harvey fell heavily onto the wooden floor. The revolver slipped several meters. The coin slipped from his fingers, spinning on the floor before coming to a stop next to one of the benches.
"Are you okay?" Batman asked without taking his eyes off Harvey, making sure he remained unconscious.
Before you could answer, another figure descended using a cable from the hole in the ceiling.
"God!"
Nightwing landed almost immediately in front of you, and in two strides he was by your side. He knelt in front of the chair as he pulled a small tool from his belt. "Let me see..."
Her hands moved swiftly over the handcuffs. You could sense the confidence in every movement.
"Did it hurt you?" he asked as he tried to open the mechanism.
You shook your head. "Just... one hit."
He looked up immediately. His eyes scanned your face until they settled on the bruise that was beginning to form near your hairline. "Did he hit you?"
"It wasn't him, one of his men."
Nightwing clenched his jaw.
A metallic click announced that the first handcuff had opened. Then the second, and the chains fell to the floor with a thud.
As soon as your hands were free, Dick carefully grasped your wrists, examining the reddish marks the steel had left on your skin. "Look at me."
You obeyed.
He placed a hand on your cheek and then on the back of your head with a gentleness uncharacteristic of someone who had just stepped into an operation. "Are you feeling dizzy?"
"A bit."
"Are you seeing double?"
You smiled wearily."I only see you once, luckily."
Dick let out a breath through his nose, somewhere between relieved and frustrated. "Don't joke around now."
Without thinking twice, he placed a hand on your shoulder to help you up and held you by the waist before you could even feel dizzy. "Relax, I've got you."
Batman, who had already secured Harvey with reinforced handcuffs, looked up for barely a second. He simply checked that you were in Dick's hands and refocused on the prisoner.
"Are you okay?" he asked as he helped you up.
Still dazed from the blow to the head, you nodded."I've had better nights."
He let out a relieved smile. "Yes... I can tell"
Harvey, still dazed from the blows, slowly began to regain consciousness.
The first thing he saw when he opened the only eye he could focus on was Nightwing holding him with a closeness that did not go unnoticed.
Then he saw how, almost instinctively, you placed a hand on Dick's arm to keep your balance. And finally, he heard the phrase that made everything fall into place.
"Let's go home," Nightwing said softly. "You're safe now."
When you woke up this morning, your body had been sore. Like you had been through the meat grinder kind of sore but in a good way.
You had looked over at Dick sleeping soundlessly. Half his body on top of you and half on the bed with his messy raven hair falling over his eyes, his long lashes almost brushing his sharp cheekbones.
Yeah, a very good way.
But when you got out of bed and basically limped around the apartment, he gave you the smuggest look ever. Seriously no one had ever looked as proud of themselves as he had.
You wanted to slap him. Or kiss him. You were still deciding.
That didnât stop you for asking him for help though, since he had been the one to carry you around the apartment and draw you a warm bath. The shoulder massage he gave you in the bathtub wasnât too bad either. Plus the pancakes he had prepared with a little smiley face on top with chocolate syrup.
But that didnât take away from the fact that he was an unserious man.
He had known you were supposed to have lunch with your friends today so he had been an exceptional tease last night in bed. Not just a tease, he was also apparently under the impression that you were made of rubber and could bend you however he pleased.
Just because he worked out eight hours a day didnât mean you did too. Youâd be lucky to even squeeze in a workout once a week and he knew that and yet he chose to manhandle you.
Not that you were against it. He was very skilled in the bedroom and the nights where you had to just lay there for him to do all the work were your favourites.
But damn now you were limping on your way to meet your friends. You and Dick walked out of the car, hand in hand towards where your friends were sitting outside the cafe.
And he had the audacity to snicker.
âIt isnât funny!â You huffed out, hands clutching his arm to hold for balance since your legs were way too sore to even walk.
âYou werenât complaining last night,â he replied and pushed his sunglasses up on his nose, looking way too amused.
âShut up,â you scoffed instead of replying since thats all you could do. He wasnât wrong.
Once you reached the table, Donna, Wally and Roy immediately greeted you with hugs.
âYou okay?â Donna was the first one to speak, noticing your limp.
âYeah,â you swallowed and sat down on the chair next to Dickâs, shifting a little. âJust walked into a chair.â
âUh huh,â Roy narrowed his eyes at Dickâs smug face.
âAnd was the chair named Dick Grayson?â Wally added.
âWally!â You gasped and looked at Dick for help but he just laughed and draped his arm over the back of your chair.
The rest of the lunch went by with way too many jokes about Dickâs dick and youâd think heâd be offended by it but he was the one initiating most of them.
Like you said, unserious.
âś JASON TODD
Jason was out running when you woke up. It was your usual morning routine âhe woke up before you, gave you a small kiss on your forehead and left for a run then returned an hour later with coffee and sometimes pastries.
This time however, you had told him you were making pancakes so he wasnât surprised to find you standing in the kitchen wearing his shirt that he discarded last night.
He walked over to you, black tank top clinging to his body due to the sweat like a second skin and if you werenât sore from last night you would have done something about it.
The minimal clothing you were wearing âJasonâs t-shirt and pantiesâ didnât do a lot to hide the marks he had left on you last night. Your thighs looked like a crime scene with how many hickeys he had left there.
You waddled over to the fridge to grab the eggs when Jason noticed you.
âWhatâs up?â He frowned and came up behind you.
âHmm?â You asked and cracked an egg in the bowl.
âYouâre waddling like a penguin,â he pointed out.
âOh,â you blushed and immediately looked away from him. âYou know,â you shrugged.
âBabe what?â He asked and turned you around to steal all your attention.
âLast night,â you said. âYouâre not exactly small.â
âWell thanks,â he gave you a confused smile. âIs that why youâre limping?â
âThat and my legs being folded like a lawn chair over your shoulders for over an hour yes,â you quipped.
Jason in response let out a cackle.
âGreat, hope youâre proud of yourself,â you scrunched your nose and turned back to prepare the pancake batter.
âI mean it does wonders to a guyâs ego,â Jason let out a dramatic breath. âSeven orgasms in one night is my new record.â
âJason!â You huffed and pushed him away. âYou cannot count my orgasms you freak.â
He laughed again and came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your middle before nuzzling his head in the crook of your neck.
âSeriously though, I didnât hurt you, did I?â He asked, pressing fluttering kisses to the hickeys he had left on your neck.
âNo,â you hummed and craned your head back.
âYou liked it?â
âYes,â you breathed as his kisses made their way down to your shoulders.
His fingers busied themselves with massaging your hips, causing you to close your eyes in relief and rest your head back on his shoulders. Which gave him even more room to kiss on your neck.
âLet me make you feel better,â he murmured and turned you around before getting down on his knees.
âJason,â you said through a shaky breath.
âYeah?â He looked up at you through dark eyelashes and hooked your thigh over his shoulder. âIs this okay?â
You nodded your head which was all the permission he needed.
It was going to be a long morning.
âś TIM DRAKE
In hindsight, waiting for your boyfriend to return from his week long mission at the manor probably wasnât your brightest idea.
He had texted you that he would be back today and would just crash at the manor instead of coming back to your shared penthouse.
But you hadnât seen him in a week! So it was only fair you drove to the manor and let yourself into the batcave to wait for him.
It had almost been an hour since you made yourself at home on the little beanbag chair with a book in your hands in the Batcave along with Barbara who was perched at the Batcomputer, doing whatever it is that Oracle did.
Tim returned soon along with the rest of the Bats on his Batcycle (Batman wasnât a very creative person you were beginning to realise).
Damian made a âTTâ sound at you before making his way towards the shower area.
Tim on the other hand broke out in a grin the second he looked at you. He didnât even bother taking off his mask or the suit before he was launching himself at you on the beanbag.
âTim!â You grunted when his armoured chest collided with yours. âYouâre crushing me.â
âDonât care,â he muttered and pushed his head in the crook of your neck.
âTake a shower you stink!â You said and pushed him off.
âI see how it is,â he raised his head to look at you and if you could see his eyes behind his domino mask, you knew he would be narrowing his eyes at you. âI come back a week later after saving the world and my girlfriend says I stink.â
âYou do,â Jason mumbled somewhere behind him.
âIgnore him heâs jealous,â Tim said to you before leaning down to give you a fleeting kiss. âIâll be back,â he murmured and finally got off the beanbag to go take a shower.
That had been enough of your loving and sweet boyfriend for the night.
Because he was soon coming out of the shower without a shirt and in only a pair of sweatpants. He didnât even bothering talking to anyone or even debriefing the case like he usually did, he just made his way towards you and picked you up and threw you over his shoulder.
Thankfully everyone else was busy cleaning themselves and only Barbara was present in the Batcave. She shook her head at you like she knew exactly what was happening but didnât want to be a part of it.
It had been a very long night.
The night for which you were paying now.
Timâs heavy arm was thrown over your stomach in a tight grip like he never wanted to let you go.
Squinting open an eye, you flicked the bedside lamp on âhaving no clue what time it was outside due to the blackout curtains being drawn.
You turned over in Timâs iron grip and looked around the room which looked like it had gotten robbed last night.
Your shirt was thrown on the floor along with your shorts, your bra dangling down the knob of the door âno clue how it got there. And your panties were probably torn in half somewhere. Even the pillows were thrown haphazardly, the covers werenât even covering you.
Half the reason you woke up was the chill in the room causing goosebumps to rise on your naked body. The only source of heat you had was Timâs equally as naked body wrapped around you like a koala.
You rubbed your eyes and tried to look at him. The first thing you saw were the red scratches on his chest, glowing against his pale skin and you were sure if he turned around his back would look the same.
âTim?â You whispered and brushed his hair away from his face.
He only groaned in response and tugged you closer but his grip on your back was beginning to hurt.
âHey,â you tried again and pushed at his shoulder âwhich you now saw had a bite mark on it.
Images of Timâs bicep wrapped around your neck came to your mind but you quickly shook them off. Not the time.
âTim come on, youâre hurting me,â you winced, which finally caught his attention.
âWhat?â He asked, voice laced with sleep and somehow deeper like youâve never heard before. âWhere are you hurt?â
âIt just feels sore.â
âFuck Iâm so sorry,â he sat up straight in bed and leaned down to pull the covers up.
âItâs okay, you didnât do anything I didnât like,â you giggled when he turned around and yep his back looked every bit like his chest. Red scratches all over.
âYour back,â you whispered and reached out to lightly brush your hand over the marks. âWhat the fuck did we do last night?â
âI think I just missed you too much,â he chuckled. âTurn around let me give you a massage.â
âYes please,â you moaned and turned around on your stomach to let Tim rub the soreness out of your muscles with his nimble fingers.
The knots in your muscles immediately came loose with each movement of his warm hands on your much colder body. Maybe they taught massaging the pain away at vigilante school or wherever Bruce took all the kids of his he seems to adopt.
His hands went lower to gently rest your calf over his shoulder âmuch gentler than last night. He pressed soft kisses to your leg as his fingers rubbed all the way to your ankles.
Later when you two went down for breakfast (it was around lunchtime), Cass and Damian gave you a disgusted look. Jason raised an eyebrow at the bite marks on Timâs forearm while Dick only laughed in amusement. Even Barbara was staring at the hickey on your jaw since apparently Tim had forgotten he was human.
âś BRUCE WAYNE
You were sitting on the chair in the little breakfast nook when Bruce entered the kitchen. A crossword puzzle was sat on the table next to a plate of toast and orange juice in front of you as you mindlessly scribbled on the puzzle.
Bruce came up behind you and gave you a little kiss on the back of your head before walking over to the cabinets to pull out a mug.
âOh wait! I made you a yogurt bowl,â you said and hopped off the chair.
Bruce raised an eyebrow and watched you limping towards the fridge in nothing but his old uni sweatshirt. Your hair was falling over your shoulders, messy from a good nightâs sleep. And other activities.
His eyes wandered lower to the backs of your knees where he was gripping your legs last night and sure enough there were marks to show it. For a second he was worried but when you turned around and gave him your million dollar smile, he forgot what he was thinking about.
âIt has raspberries, nuts, pumpkin seeds, chia seeds. Itâs good for your health,â you beamed and set it down in front of your own breakfast on the table.
Bruce joined you in a beat and eyed you as you grimaced a little while sitting down.
âEverything okay?â He asked.
âYeah,â you said, voice a bit sarcastic which he didnât miss.
âThatâs not convincing,â he frowned.
âYou rearranged my guts last night. I think that has something to do with me having trouble sitting down,â you smirked and he immediately blushed.
You heard a sudden noise from behind you and when you turned around to look, Tim was standing there, looking nauseated. âIâll uh⌠have breakfast in my roomâŚâ he said.
âI didnât know you stayed here last night,â you said to him.
âI wish I hadnât,â he gagged and grabbed a cup of coffee before leaving the two of you alone.
Bruce scrunched his nose and turned his face towards his breakfast.
âOh donât go all shy now! You were very vocal last night,â you teased and nudged his foot with yours just to watch his ears turn even redder.
âI think we should take a warm bath together to you know, let our bodies heal,â he suggested.
âUh huh,â you narrowed your eyes. âAnd no other reason at all.â
âOf course my darling,â Bruce smiled and tugged you out of your chair before picking you up in his arms.
âNo other reason at all.â
my first multi part fic ever feeling nervous
didnât know which photos to use soâŚ
if you couldnât tell iâve been extremely tim drake pilled lately thanks to all the requests ive received for him đ
likes comments and reblogs appreciated, hope you guys enjoy <3
thinking of going out drinking with the team, and its all fun and games, you and bucky have been circling each other for months, and I mean MONTHS.
and the night takes a turn when some flirty little thing just won't. leave. him. alone.
but what kind of claim do you have anyway? none, so you do what any normal person would do in that situation and you drink.
oh boy, you drink.
to the point where the jukebox app is sick of you, the bartender thinks its hilarious, and the mechanic bull guy is having a little too much fun given that your top is cut that low
so when you're sat down in a haze next to nat, bucky brings you water and you scrunch your nose, "I don't want it."
"didn't ask if you wanted it, you need it" he held the glass closer to you now. "drink it"
huffing and puffing you took the straw into your mouth but not the glass, making bucky still hold it for you. and what was a glass in addition to the torch he dragged everywhere you went?
when you finished a couple of gulps, you looked up at him, tugging your skirt down to cover any extra centimeters of your thigh. "happy?"
bucky just smirked. "good girl"
you whined, furrowing your brows and pouting. like that vision hadn't been imprinted in his brain for when he felt like the pent up sexual frustration was too much.
"don't call me a good girl, it makes me wanna take my clothes off."
"what?" james barnes wasn't super easily stunted, but this one took the cake.
"what?" sam was wide eyed, nat and chucking, and Steve and Wanda looked like they were trying to process if what they heard was real.
just a short one,, a small warm up cause it's been a while since i last wrote a fanfic lol.
There were many benefits to being one of the very few people who could claim genuine friendship with the ever-intrepid Dr. Ratio.
"Come on. Just take a look. A quick check-up," you say, leaning your hip against the edge of his desk.
Ratio doesn't respond. Doesn't even look up.
Instead, he continues grading the stack of student papers before him, red pen moving with swift, decisive strokes across the page. Occasionally, his brow furrows in visible disappointment â no doubt the result of encountering yet another low score from his students.
"Put that medical degree to good use," you continue, undeterred by the silence. "Help a friend out."
That earns you a glance; A brief sideways look from over the rim of the paper heâs holding, sharp and carrying the unmistakable weight of a man who is already reconsidering every decision that led to your continued presence in his office.
"Go schedule a proper appointment," he says flatly, already turning back to the essay as if the conversation has concluded.
"In this economy?" You scoff.
No response. The pen doesn't even pause this time.
Still, undeterred, you push yourself off the desk and wander around it instead, drifting closer like an especially stubborn storm cloud that refuses to dissipate.
"Besides," you add, gesturing vaguely at him, "why would I go looking for another doctor when I already have the best one right here?"
The pen stops.
Slowly, Ratio looks up from the paper he had been marking.
The silence stretches a beat longer than it should.
Then he exhales through his nose, a controlled, measured breath that nonetheless carries the unmistakable sound of patience wearing dangerously thin.
"Five minutes," he says, curt, and is already reaching for his stethoscope before you can so much as gloat.
It was meant to be nothing. A joke of a check-up, five minutes of him grumbling and you smirking and both of you pretending this wasn't, in some small way, one of your favorite parts of the week because you love to annoy him more than anything in the world.
Sure, you'd been feeling a little off lately. Tired in a way sleep didn't fix. Paler than usual, if the mirror was to be believed. Winded faster than you used to be, climbing the same stairs you'd always climbed. An occasional dry cough that you'd stopped noticing weeks ago, the way you stop noticing any sound that's been in the background long enough.
But it couldn't be anything serious. Maybe a lingering cold. Maybe just exhaustion catching up to you.
Ratio would tell you to sleep more and complain less, write you a prescription with all the enthusiasm of a man performing unpaid labor, and send you on your way.
That was the plan.
It survived exactly until auscultation.
The metal diaphragm met the bare skin of your back, its familiar chill drawing an involuntary shiver you bit back before he could comment on it. He worked methodically, the way he always did: upper lobes first, then down through the mid-zones, then the bases. Each placement deliberate, each breath timed to his instruction.
"In."
You inhaled.
"Out."
You exhaled.
"Again."
Another slow breath, and this time the stethoscope didn't move on.
It stayed.
It lingered a beat too long over one spot before sliding back, retracing the exact same path with precision.
Then again.
And once more, shifted an inch lower, as if triangulating something.
A small, cold knot of unease settled somewhere under your ribs, and vanished the instant the stethoscope lifted away.
You opened your mouth, some half-formed joke about finally being diagnosed as terminally dramatic already queued up on your tongue...
...Only for another instrument to take the stethoscope's place. Smaller. Colder. A pleximeter, tapped once against your back with two knuckles, mapping the dull thud of solid tissue against the hollow ring of healthy lung.
"...Veritas?" Your voice came out lighter than you meant it, threaded with the first real edge of concern.
He didn't answer. Percussed again, a hand's width to the left.
"Veritas?" Quieter this time.
"Silence." His voice came, clipped enough to stop the rest of your words from ever forming.
You obeyed.
You turned your head just enough to catch him from the corner of your eye. Ratio's attention remained fixed entirely on his examination. His brows were drawn together in a slight furrow, far from the familiar expression of exasperation you had grown accustomed to over the years, his expression one of deep concentration. His eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly, thoughtful as he listened, then repositioned the instrument with meticulous care and whatever he was hearing â or not hearing â had clearly captured all of his attention.
For the first time since you'd known him, Dr. Veritas Ratio looked troubled.
"What other symptoms have you experienced?" He asked, finally, withdrawing the instrument and setting it down on the tray with care. Only then did he meet your eyes properly.
Usually you could read him without effort; the dry irritation worn like a second coat, the long-suffering patience, the faint permanent disappointment in a universe that so rarely met his standards.
This time...
You couldn't read him at all.
"What?" You ask, because for a second your brain seems to have forgotten how to arrange itself into a coherent thought, a nervous laugh escaping you because how else were you supposed to respond?
His gaze moved over you once, and then again, slower, as if the answer were written somewhere in the lines of your face and he were simply confirming what he already suspected.
"Dry cough," He stated, not a question. "Wheezing on exertion."
"Pain: sharp, stabbing, localized," His hand came back to your back, two fingers pressing briefly against a specific point along the lower right ribs, precise down to the intercostal space. "Here."
You went very still.
Because he was right.
Whatever showed on your face in that moment must have confirmed it for him, because something in his expression shifted by the smallest possible degree.
"Iâ" You started, and stopped, because there was nothing useful to put after it. He hadn't guessed. Guessing implied uncertainty, and there had been none in his voice at all. He had known, or narrowed the field so precisely that knowing was the only word left for it.
The cough had started weeks ago... a minor irritation, easy to ignore until it became frequent enough that you simply absorbed it into the shape of your day. The wheezing had followed soon after, subtle enough to blame on exhaustion. The pain, you'd decided, was a pulled muscle.
Ratio didn't wait for you to speak up. He stepped back from the exam table with the brisk efficiency of a man who has already moved three stages ahead of the conversation, pressed your shirt back into your hands without looking at you while he did it, and pulled out his phone. His thumb moved across the screen fast enough to suggest irritation, though you had the distinct, uneasy feeling the irritation wasn't aimed at you.
"Get dressed," he said, without looking up. "You're getting a chest radiograph."
"...You're joking."
"I have yet to make one." Still no glance spared. "Auscultation and percussion are suggestive, not diagnostic. I have a suspicion I am not willing to speak aloud until it can be confirmed or excluded on imaging. Speculation without evidence is intellectually irresponsible."
There was no room in his tone for negotiation, and you found you had none of your usual arguments to offer against it. His phone chimed; he silenced it and pocketed it in the same motion, already halfway through composing whatever came next in his head.
"If I'm wrong," he said, quieter now, "I'll say so plainly. But if I'm not..."
His eyes dropped, briefly, to your mouth, and then away again, as though he'd caught himself lingering on something he shouldn't.
"Then wasting even a minute would be unacceptable."
-
Three days later, you were back in his office, and the air in the room felt entirely different.
Ratio stood behind his desk holding your imaging results like the datapad itself had personally wronged him. None of his usual dry impatience remained. No sharp remark waited at the edge of his tongue. There was something careful and grave in the set of his shoulders, the posture of a man delivering news he genuinely wished he didn't have to.
"...Hanahaki?" You echoed, the word didn't feel real in your mouth.
He'd said more than that, you knew he had. A measured explanation, clinical and sequential, meant to walk you toward the conclusion rather than drop it on you. Medical terminologies. Differential diagnoses. But the moment the name of the disease registered, everything else seemed to blur at the edges, your mind refusing to hold onto anything past it.
"Hanahaki," He confirmed, his voice remaining steady as though he's speaking about the weather rather than a potentially fatal disease â a stark contrast to the tension in his shoulders. "Fortunately, you're in the early stages. The radiographer's initial read found no significant abnormality, which is not uncommon at this stage. Organic plant tissue in the early phase has a radiographic density close enough to soft tissue that it can be missed on a first pass."
He tapped the datapad, enlarging a portion of the image.
You looked at where he pointed. You had no idea what you were looking at.
Hanahaki.
Hanahaki.
Hanahaki.
"On closer review," He continued, "we identified faint branching opacities extending outward from the hilar structures bilaterally, more pronounced on the right."
He traced the shape with one finger, not quite touching the screen.
"Here. Root-stage growth, following the bronchovascular bundles rather than invading independently; Consistent with early presentation."
You tried to listen. You did.
"The overall burden remains limited. No evidence of significant airway obstruction so far, and flow measurements from your spirometry this morning were within an acceptable range given your symptoms."
Hanahaki.
"Several mediastinal lymph nodes have reacted to the foreign tissue and are mildly enlarged; An immune response, not a sign of malignant spread. I want to be precise about that distinction."
Your head swam.
None of it made sense laid next to the word itself. Hanahaki didn't happen to people who weren't in love. And you weren't. Not like that.
You'd never had some doomed, aching romance. Never pined after anyone from a careful distance. Never stared at a holo-message at two in the morning wondering if you should send it. So whoâ
You looked up.
"âgiven the anatomical location, the exertional dyspnea and localized pain are both expected findings, not incidental onesâ"
You stopped hearing the rest of it.
Because you were looking at him. Really looking, in the way you apparently hadn't let yourself in longer than you wanted to admit.
The sharp, deliberate lines of his face. The furrow between his brows that appeared only when he was thinking past the edge of what he already knew. The way his hands moved when he explained something complicated, like every idea needed to be physically arranged in the air in order to be understood correctly. The way his voice picked up, almost imperceptibly, whenever the subject was something he actually cared about.
Your friend.
Your brilliant, insufferable, infuriatingly handsome friend.
But just a friend......... You'd have said, with total confidence, right up until about four minutes ago.
The one you told first when something good happened.
The one whose opinion mattered more than it had any right to.
The one whose messages you reread before answering, editing your own replies more carefully than you'd ever admit to him.
The one whose approval left you embarrassingly pleased with yourself, and whose disappointment â however mild, however quickly hidden behind irritation â stung far more than it should have.
The realization hit with enough force to nearly take the breath you didn't have to spare.
His voice kept going somewhere behind the rush of your own pulse, words about staging and prognosis and intervention windows arriving distorted, as if from another room. The office seemed to tilt very slightly around the fixed point of him standing there, results in hand, wearing that terrible, careful composure of a man who had already done the difficult part of the work and now had to hand the rest of it back to you.
Then the cough came.
Dry, catching low in your throat, and then harder, wheezing as your body reacted faster than your mind could keep up with. You doubled forward, one hand rising to your mouth, horror rising in you in a slow, merciless wave that had nothing to do with the diagnosis and everything to do with what you'd just understood underneath it.
He crossed the room before the second cough finished. Concern broke across his face for exactly one unguarded second before professional composure closed back over it, and his hand settled at your shoulder, steadying.
Warm.
The contact only made it worse, because now every strange, discarded feeling of the past several months was clicking into place with horrible clarity.
Every lingering glance you'd told yourself was nothing, every small flicker of anticipation before seeing him, every unreasonable rush of happiness whenever he chose to spend time with you over someone more deserving of it, every fluttering thing you'd filed under admiration because the real word had never once occurred to you as a possibility.
Oh.
Oh, no.
The realization crashes into you with all the subtlety of a collapsing star, no matter how hard some small, panicking part of you clawed for an alternate explanation.
You were in love. Hopelessly. Catastrophically.
You were in love with Veritas Ratio.
And the cruelest part of the entire, humiliating picture was this: the man currently holding you upright through a coughing fit, one hand steady on your shoulder and his brilliant, furious brain already three steps into solving a problem he didn't yet know he is the cause of.
Bucky who hasnât touched anyone, or been touched by anyone since â43.
Bucky whose body randomly decided to constantly remind him of his physical need.
Bucky one night, against his will, having the filthiest wet dream about you kissing him, riding him, him fucking you against the counterâŚ
Bucky waking up in a cold sweat, cock rock hard; harder than heâs ever been, leaking, dampening his boxers.
Bucky who feels perverted and disgusting but already trailing a hand down to his need; cock jumping at the contact; MAYBE a handful of strokes before spilling into his underwear at the simple touch. oh, and. itâs never just a few spurts. itâs thick, heavy ropes that go through the fabric, dribbling into audible splats against his thighs.
Bucky who never makes a move on you because you literally just started dating but everything makes his body react; that sweet floral perfume you always wear, the way you bite your lip when you concentrate, your hand coming to rest on his stomach during movie nights, the muscles jumping under your finger tips.
Bucky clenching his jaw tight, adamâs apple bobbing with nerves. when you so sweetly ask, âwhat is it baby?â, the pet name making pink burst across his cheeks. he just shifts his hips under the blanket he is really glad he grabbed before this. heâs never wanted anything, anyone, this bad before, but he refuses to mess this up when he finally just got you.
Bucky absolutely loathes spooning you, which you love so much, because he canât physically take your ass being pressed so close against him. he always comes up with some excuse to have you just lay your head on his chest. you never push it, afraid youâre stepping over some boundary, but, you want to feel held by your boyfriend. you donât understand why heâs withholding little fragments of intimacy from you. does he even want you?
You finally asking to talk one day with him. his heart sinks. this is the day you finally realize you deserve better, someone who isnât as perverted, needy as him. fuck, did you know? you gently take his clammy hands in yours; âokay, you gotta tell me whatâs going on. iâm not mad, but, you never let me keep kissing you, you donât want to sleep next to me, you wonât let me sit on your lapâŚbuck. did i do something?â
Bucky who thinks his heart is going to slam out of his chestâŚ
Warnings: explicit sexual content, aphrodisiac, sex pollen, dubious consent due to aphrodisiac, established relationship, blood/injury, rough sex, multiple rounds, overstimulation, size kink, strength kink, manhandling, prone bone, possessive sex, feral Steve Rogers, gentle Steve Rogers, protective Steve Rogers, praise kink, breeding kink, creampie, unprotected sex, aftercare, emotional hurt/comfort
Summary:
Steve Rogers has always been gentle with you.Â
When a mission exposes you both to an aphrodisiac, quarantine forces him to confront the difference between protecting you and holding himself back.Â
Authorâs Note:
steve rogers sex pollen fic for everyone who has ever looked at that man and thought âokay but what if he actually used the super soldier strengthâ
Steve knew how to be careful with you.
Most of the time, that was one of the things you loved most about him. He remembered which old injuries needed gentler hands, which silences meant comfort, and which meant space. Steve was good at care.
He was simply worse at understanding that care and gentleness were not the same thing.
You had tried to tell him that carefully, then less carefully. You had asked him to hold you down harder. You had asked him not to pull back so quickly when his fingers tightened on your hips. You had told him more than once that you liked feeling how strong he was.
He listened every time, and he tried because that was who Steve was. Then, inevitably, you would feel the moment he remembered himself. His hands would ease. His body would shift, giving you room you had not asked for. His mouth would soften against yours as if tenderness could cover the shape of what you wanted.
You loved him for that, too, which made the frustration even more complicated. Steve had spent too much of his life being turned into an object, a weapon, a symbol, a body that belonged to everyone except himself. You understood why he treated his strength as something that needed rules.
You just wished he would believe you when you told him that you were not asking him to forget the rules.
You were asking him to trust you with them.
The HYDRA lab was colder than it should have been.
That was the first thing you noticed when the mission turned bad, not the broken glass or the blood on your glove or the technician crawling toward the console with one shaking hand. The cold came from the ventilation system overhead, pouring through the room in steady white streams that disturbed the pale gold vapor spilling from the ruptured canister at the center of the floor.
You had already inhaled by the time Steve shouted your name.
It had happened too fast. You had thrown yourself into the technician before he could reach the alarm override, and your shoulder had struck his ribs hard enough to knock the air out of both of you. He went down. You went with him. Something cracked under your elbow.
The canister hit the floor.
For half a second, the room looked almost beautiful. Gold mist rose through the emergency lights, turning the lab red and amber at once, and you thought absurdly of sunlight in dust.
Then your throat burned.
You coughed, rolling away from the technician, and Steve crossed the room in three strides.
âDonât breathe,â he ordered.
You looked up at him through watering eyes. âLittle late for that.â
He did not smile.
That scared you more than the chemical.
Steveâs hand closed around your arm, steady and warm through the sleeve of your suit. His grip was firm enough to anchor you, but even then, even in the middle of a contaminated HYDRA lab with alarms beginning to shriek overhead, you felt the restraint in it. He was holding you like something injured. He was holding you like something he could accidentally hurt.
The thought should not have made heat curl through your stomach.
It did.
Natashaâs voice cut through the comm. âStatus?â
âExposure,â Steve said. His voice was controlled. Too controlled. âUnknown agent. Canister breached. We both caught it.â
There was a pause.
You hated the pause.
âSymptoms?â Bruce asked.
You opened your mouth to answer and nearly embarrassed yourself.
Because there was pain. There was heat. There was dizziness and a strange, liquid weakness in your knees. But underneath it all was something else, something low and humiliating and far too recognizable to deny. It moved through you with the same terrible certainty as fever.
Your fingers tightened in Steveâs suit.
You did not mean to do it. One second, your hand was braced against his chest because standing had become more complicated than it should have been, and the next, your fist was curled into the dark tactical fabric over the star.
Steve went still without pulling away, which somehow made it worse. His body changed before his face did, the breath he took too careful, the muscles beneath your hand locking as if he had turned himself into a wall through discipline alone. When you looked up, his pupils were blown wide, his jaw clenched so tightly that a muscle jumped near his cheek.
âSteve,â you said.
His eyes dropped to your mouth.
It lasted less than a second.
Then he stepped back.
The loss of him hit you with embarrassing force. It was not just emotional. Your body noticed the absence of his heat like it had been denied something necessary, and frustration flashed through you so sharply that you almost reached for him again.
Almost.
âDonât do that,â you said.
His eyes lifted. âDo what?â
âAct like Iâm the hazard.â
His expression shifted, pained and stubborn in equal measure. âYouâre not.â
âYou just moved like I was.â
âYouâre contaminated,â Clint said over the comm, which was unhelpful even by his standards. âTechnically, heâs right.â
âClint,â Natasha warned.
âWhat? Iâm just saying, this feels like a situation where nobody should touch anybody.â
You closed your eyes. âI hate all of you.â
âYou say that when youâre scared,â Steve said quietly.
You hated him a little for knowing that. You loved him more for saying it softly enough that only you could hear, even with the comms open.
âIâm not scared,â you lied.
Steveâs gaze moved over your face. You wondered what he saw. The flushed cheeks, probably. The sweat beginning at your hairline despite the cold air. The way you were breathing too quickly. The way your hand had curled into a fist at your side because you did not trust yourself not to reach for him again.
His own color was high. It was subtle, because Steveâs body did not betray him easily, but you knew him better than most people alive. You knew the signs. The tightness around his eyes. The careful set of his shoulders. The way he kept his hands loose when he wanted to clench them.
Bruceâs voice came back, low and focused. âExtraction in two minutes. Masks on. Donât touch the canister, donât touch any exposed surfaces, and try not to touch each other.â
You laughed once under your breath. âGreat.â
Steve looked like someone had put him in front of a firing squad and asked him to stand still.
Natasha reached you first.
She came through the lab doors in a sealed respirator with emergency masks in hand, her eyes sharp above the clear visor. She took one look at you, one look at Steve, and understood too much.
That was the problem with Natasha. She was never unobservant when you needed mercy.
âMask,â she said.
You took it. Your fingers did not work properly on the strap.
Steve moved.
Then stopped.
You saw the exact moment he caught himself, and something inside you twisted.
Natasha saw it too. She stepped between you both without comment and fastened the mask for you, her gloved hands efficient and careful. You stared past her shoulder at Steve. He stared back, miserable and fever-bright, and did not cross the three feet between you.
The ride back to the compound on the Quinjet was worse.
Bruce sealed the rear med bay, which meant you and Steve were isolated from the rest of the team but not from each other. You sat on opposite sides of the compartment, trying not to watch the width of his shoulders, the tension in his hands, the way he kept himself perfectly still because motion had become dangerous.
âYou need to stop looking at me like that,â he said.
Your gaze snapped to his face.
His eyes were closed.
âIâm not looking at you like anything.â
âYou are.â
âYou have your eyes closed.â
âI can still tell.â
It should have been funny. Instead, the heat in your blood sharpened.
âYouâre doing it too,â you said.
Steveâs eyes opened.
He looked wrecked.
âIâm trying not to,â he said.
That was worse.
Your fingers curled against your thigh. âSteve.â
âNo.â
âI didnât say anything.â
âYou were about to.â
âYou donât know that.â
âI know you.â
The words landed too softly to be an accusation. You looked away first because your eyes had started to sting, and you did not know whether that was the chemical, frustration, or the awful tenderness of being known by someone who was still trying to deny you what you wanted.
âI know you too,â you said.
Steve did not answer.
When the Quinjet landed, medical was waiting.
Bruce met you in full protective gear beside Dr. Cho and two nurses you recognized, all of them moving with the efficient calm of people who were worried and trying not to make it worse. Tony hovered behind the quarantine barrier, tablet in one hand, expression caught somewhere between fear and a joke he knew better than to say.
Mostly.
âSo,â Tony said as you and Steve were ushered into adjoining decontamination stalls, âgood news, bad news, horrifyingly awkward news.â
âTony,â Bruce said.
âIâm just setting expectations.â
You peeled off your gloves with more aggression than necessary. âIf you say anything about HR, Iâm coughing on you.â
Tony took a step back. âNoted.â
The decontamination process was necessary and humiliating in the way medical procedures often were. Your suit was sealed away. Your skin was scrubbed clean. Your temperature was taken three times. Blood was drawn. Your pulse was monitored until the sound of it began to feel accusatory.
Steve was on the other side of the frosted partition.
You could hear him.
That was the worst part. His voice was low and steady as he answered Bruceâs questions. Yes, elevated heart rate. Yes, increased body temperature. Yes, heightened sensory response. No, no loss of consciousness. No, no hallucinations.
Then Bruce asked something too quietly for you to hear.
Steve did not answer right away.
Your entire body went alert.
âIâm managing it,â he said at last.
Managing it.
You pressed your eyes shut.
The phrase felt like him. Like all the disciplined, self-punishing restraint that made him both wonderful and impossible. Steve managed pain. Steve managed fear. Steve managed his anger, his grief, his strength, his desire. He managed himself so carefully that sometimes you wondered whether he understood there was supposed to be a difference between control and loneliness.
A nurse handed you a loose medical shirt and soft pants through the decontamination slot. You changed behind the privacy shield with hands that shook more than you wanted to admit.
By the time they moved you into quarantine, your skin felt too small.
The containment suite had been stripped down to a bed, a couch, a bathroom, a table with water and medical supplies, cameras in the corners, and a glass wall with privacy film currently turned opaque.
And Steve.
He entered a few seconds after you, wearing gray medical sweats that did absolutely nothing to make him less distracting. The shirt clung to his shoulders. The pants hung low on his hips. His hair was damp from decontamination, darker at the roots, and when he looked at you, you saw the same hunger he had been trying to hide since the lab.
Only now there was nowhere for either of you to go.
The door sealed behind him.
A red light blinked once above it.
You laughed before you could stop yourself.
Steveâs brows drew together. âWhat?â
âThis is absurd.â
His mouth softened, almost. âYeah.â
âWe have fought aliens.â
âI remember.â
âYou punched a robot through a wall last week.â
âIt was trying to kill Sam.â
âAnd now weâre trapped in horny jail because HYDRA made perfume for war criminals.â
For one blessed second, Steve looked like he might actually laugh.
Then your breath hitched.
It was small. Barely anything. A minor betrayal of your body as another wave of heat rolled through you, stronger than the last. But Steve heard it. Of course he heard it. His expression changed immediately, humor gone, concern rushing in to take its place.
He stepped toward you.
Then stopped again.
Your patience, already thin, tore.
âSteve.â
His hands flexed at his sides. âIâm trying to do this right.â
âI know.â
âI need you to understand that.â
âI do.â
âNo.â His voice roughened, and the sound went through you like touch. âYou donât. This isnât justââ He stopped and looked toward the opaque glass as though Bruce could somehow help him find the words. âThis isnât normal.â
You almost laughed again, but it would have come out wrong. âIâm aware.â
âItâs affecting judgment.â
âYes.â
âItâs affecting inhibition.â
âAlso, yes.â
âItâs pushing your body toward something you might not choose if you were clear-headed.â
That hurt. Not because it was unfair. Because it was almost fair, and almost fair was where Steve did his most damage without meaning to.
You crossed your arms, partly to hold yourself together and partly because the loose shirt brushed your skin in a way that made it difficult to concentrate. âYou think I wouldnât choose you?â
His face tightened. âThatâs not what I said.â
âThen what are you saying?â
âIâm saying I donât want to take advantage of you.â
âYouâre dosed too.â
âThat doesnât make it better.â
âNo,â you agreed. âIt makes it complicated. But donât stand there and talk like this is something happening to me that has nothing to do with us.â
Steve looked away.
The room hummed around you. Air filtration. Medical monitors. The low electronic pulse of containment systems doing their job. Beyond the glass, someone was probably watching your vitals spike in real time.
You stepped closer.
Steve noticed immediately. His eyes snapped back to yours, warning and want tangled so tightly that you could barely tell which was winning.
âDonât,â he said.
You stopped. Not because you wanted to, but because his voice mattered. Even now. Especially now.
âIâm not going to touch you if you tell me not to,â you said.
His throat worked.
âBut you donât get to decide what I want by being afraid of it.â
For a moment, neither of you moved.
Then Bruceâs voice came through the speaker.
âIâm sorry to interrupt.â
You looked up at the ceiling. âNo, youâre not.â
âIâm really not,â Tony added, farther from the microphone. âBut Banner is.â
Bruce ignored him. âWe have preliminary results. The compound appears to be a synthetic neurochemical stimulant. Itâs targeting adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin pathways, and likely other endocrine responses. The simplest explanation is that it was designed to heighten arousal and attachment under stress.â
Steveâs expression went blank in the terrifying way that meant he was angry.
âHYDRA was using it for compliance,â he said.
âLikely,â Bruce said.
Your stomach turned.
For a second, the heat receded beneath disgust. HYDRA had always been good at finding new ways to make bodies into battlefields. You looked down at your hands, flexed your fingers, and wished you had broken the technicianâs jaw instead of his ribs.
Steve moved before he remembered not to.
He crossed two steps toward you, then caught himself halfway.
This time, the aborted comfort hurt less. You could see the anger in him now, the protective instinct that belonged to you and to every person HYDRA had ever tried to use. He wanted to touch you because he was worried. Because he loved you. Because the idea of that chemical in your blood made him look like he wanted to tear the whole lab apart brick by brick.
âTreatment?â Steve asked.
Bruce hesitated.
Tony made a faint sound in the background. âHere comes the awkward news.â
âSupportive care,â Bruce said carefully. âHydration, monitoring, temperature management. Sedation is an option, but your vitals are already volatile, and with Steveâs serum involved, I canât guarantee a predictable response.â
You looked at Steve.
Steve was staring at the speaker.
âWhat else?â he asked.
Bruce was silent for long enough that your face went hot for a reason that had nothing to do with the drug.
âThe compound appears to metabolize fastest after peak hormonal release,â Bruce said finally, with the pained professionalism of a man who had attended too many universities to deserve this conversation. âIn plain terms, sexual release would likely shorten the active period. Possibly significantly.â
Tony, because he was Tony, said, âOr, as absolutely no doctor should put itââ
âDo not,â Bruce snapped.
Tony lowered his voice and said it anyway. âFuck it out.â
You covered your face with both hands.
Steve looked like he might commit a felony.
âIâm muting him,â Natasha said from somewhere beyond the speaker.
âHeyââ
Tony cut off abruptly.
âThank you,â Steve said tightly.
Bruce sighed. âTo be clear, no one is instructing you to do anything. The door remains sealed until weâre certain youâre not contagious and your vitals are stable. What happens inside quarantine is up to you, within safety limits. If either of you wants sedation, weâll discuss it. If either of you wants privacy, we can disable visual monitoring and keep vitals only.â
Your heart was beating so hard you could feel it in your teeth.
Steve said, âHow long if we wait it out?â
âBased on your current levels? For her, maybe eight to ten hours if we wait it out.â Bruce hesitated. âFor you, Steve, your system is burning through it faster, but the serum is making the spikes worse. Shorter duration, higher peaks.â
Another wave hit as if summoned.
Your knees softened. You caught the edge of the table, breath leaving you in an unsteady rush, and Steve was there before you could tell him not to be. His hand closed around your waist instead of your arm or elbow, and the difference was immediate enough to steal the air from your lungs.
The pressure was firm, instinctive, and devastating.
You made a sound.
Steve froze.
So did you.
It was not loud. It was barely more than a breath broken around his name. But Steve heard it, and you felt his grip tighten once before he forced it loose.
He tried to step back.
You caught his wrist. âDonât.â
His eyes found yours.
âI canât be objective right now,â he said.
âNeither can I.â
âThatâs the point.â
âNo, Steve. The point is that we know whatâs happening. We know itâs chemical, and awful, and not how either of us would have chosen to spend our Friday night.â His mouth twitched despite himself. âBut you also know this isnât coming from nowhere.â
The almost-smile disappeared.
âYou know I want you,â you said. âYou know I wanted you this morning. You know Iâll want you tomorrow when this is out of our systems.â
His voice was low. âThat doesnât meanââ
âIt means you donât get to pretend the drug invented it.â
The words landed.
âIâve asked you before,â you said, quieter now. âIâve asked you to stop being so careful. Iâm not saying that to pressure you. Iâm saying it because I need you to stop acting like wanting you like this means Iâm not myself.â
Steve closed his eyes.
âYou want rougher,â he said.
âYes.â
âYouâve wanted that for a while.â
âYes.â
âAnd I keep pulling back.â
You nodded.
âI know my strength,â he said. âYou donât always know what it feels like from my side. You ask me to hold you down, and I want to give you what you want. But then I feel how easy it is to move you, and all I can think about is what happens if I misjudge it.â
Your anger softened so abruptly that it almost hurt.
You let go of his wrist and covered the hand he had resting on your waist.
âYouâre allowed to trust yourself,â you said.
His laugh was silent and humorless.
âYou trust me in combat.â
His expression shifted.
You pressed his hand more firmly against your waist. âTrust me here.â
Steve looked toward the glass wall.
âBruce,â he said.
The speaker crackled. âIâm here.â
âVisual monitoring off.â
A pause.
Then Natashaâs voice, gentler than before. âDone.â
The opaque privacy film deepened until the glass became a flat gray mirror. You could still see your reflections in it, blurred and strange. You looked flushed, unsteady, your hand over Steveâs. He looked like a man trying to stand at the edge of a cliff without looking down.
âVitals remain monitored,â Bruce said. âAudio?â
Steve looked at you.
It was a question.
Even now, it was a question.
Your throat tightened. âOff unless we call you.â
The speaker clicked.
Silence settled over the room.
For a moment, neither of you moved.
Then Steve said, âI need you to say it again.â
Your pulse jumped. âWhich part?â
His eyes were darker than you had ever seen them. âThat you want me.â
You stepped closer. His hand slid more fully around your waist, not pulling yet, but ready.
âI want you,â you said.
His breath left him slowly.
âI want you when Iâm sober,â you said. âI want you when Iâm clear-headed. I want you sweet. I want you careful. I want you in all the ways you already know.â
His fingers tightened.
You felt it through the thin cotton of the medical shirt.
âAnd I want you rougher than you let yourself be.â
Steveâs expression changed.
It was not the chemical alone. You knew that. The drug was there in the fever-bright heat of his eyes, in the tremor that moved through his hand, in the way his control looked painfully thin. But underneath it was recognition. Not surprise. He knew. He had always known.
He had just never fully believed he was allowed to answer.
âYou say red, I stop,â he said.
âYes.â
âAnd if anything feels wrong, you tell me.â
âI will.â
âI canât promise Iâll be as gentle as I usually am.â
The words moved through you like a match struck in the dark.
âIâm not asking you to be.â
His hand went still at your waist.
Then, very carefully, Steve pulled you to him.
It was not rough. Not yet. It was barely more than a closing of distance, his body meeting yours with enough restraint that you could feel the shape of what he was holding back. But after hours of aborted touches and careful avoidance, the contact hit hard enough to make your knees weaken.
Steve caught you.
This time, he did not let go.
His arms came around you properly, one at your waist and the other across your back, his hand spreading wide between your shoulder blades. He bent his head until his forehead rested against yours. You could feel him shaking.
Not from weakness.
From refusal.
From the effort of not taking too much too fast.
âSteve,â you whispered.
His eyes closed. âIâm trying.â
âI know.â
âI donât know if that helps.â
âIt does.â
Your hands rose to his chest. His heart was racing under your palm, strong and fast and alive. For a second, you forgot the chemical. You forgot HYDRA, quarantine, cameras, and medical monitors. There was only Steve in front of you, still trying to be good in a situation designed to make goodness difficult.
You kissed him first.
Or you meant to.
You pushed onto your toes, and Steve met you halfway, his mouth catching yours with a sound that was almost relief. The kiss was hot, clumsy by Steveâs standards, a little too hard at first before he corrected himself.
Then you bit his lower lip.
Not hard.
Enough.
Steve made a sound against your mouth that you had never heard before.
Everything changed.
His hand tightened at your back, pulling you in so suddenly that your breath broke. The kiss deepened, lost its careful shape, and became something hungrier and less practiced. You felt the couch strike the back of your legs and realized he had moved you there without asking your feet to cooperate.
Your heart kicked.
Steve felt you tense and stopped instantly.
His mouth lifted from yours. âTell me.â
âNo,â you said quickly, almost offended by how fast he had pulled himself back. âNo, Iâm not scared.â
His eyes searched your face.
You reached for his hand, put it at your hip, and held it there.
âI liked that.â
Steve stared at you.
The realization came slowly. You watched it unfold across his face, not as shock but as reluctant understanding. The movement had not frightened you. The suddenness had not hurt. His strength had not been a mistake to apologize for.
You liked it.
His gaze dropped to where his hand covered your hip.
âOh,â he said, very softly.
Your breath caught.
Because that was the moment.
Not the exposure, not Bruceâs terrible explanation, not the locked door or the privacy film or the heat crawling under your skin. This was the moment something between you tilted. Steve looked at your body under his hand and understood, maybe for the first time without softening the knowledge into something safer, that you were not merely allowing him to be stronger with you.
You wanted it.
His thumb moved once over your hip.
Then his hand tightened.
Your eyes fluttered.
Steve saw that too.
The look on his face changed again, and for one dizzy second you thought: Oh.
The realization startled you with its simplicity. Steve had not been waiting for permission to become someone else, and the aphrodisiac had not uncovered some secret cruelty buried beneath all that gentleness. He was still Steve, which was the part that made your chest ache around the heat.
But he liked this.
He liked your trust. He liked the way you responded when he stopped treating his strength as something shameful. He liked being asked for the power he spent so much time containing, and maybe the roughness itself was not the fantasy he would have chosen alone, but your wanting transformed it in his hands.
Steve Rogers did not secretly want to ruin you.
Steve Rogers wanted to give you what you asked for and had just realized that giving it to you did not make him a danger.
It made him yours.
âTell me again,â he said.
His voice was lower.
You swallowed. âWhat?â
âWhat you want.â
You did.
Not all at once. Not crudely, though there would have been room for that in another version of the night, one without poison in your blood and medical staff outside the door. You told him where you wanted his hands. You told him you wanted his weight. You told him that when he moved you, when he held you still, when he stopped asking your body to pretend it did not know exactly how strong he was, it made you feel trusted too.
Steve listened.
He always listened.
Only this time, he did not translate every word into a warning.
The next wave of heat took both of you under.
It started with his mouth on yours, slower than you expected and rougher than he usually allowed himself to be. He kissed you like he was still giving you time to change your mind, but his hands had stopped pretending they did not know what they wanted. One stayed locked around your waist while the other slid up your back, spreading wide between your shoulder blades and pulling you closer until there was no space left between your bodies.
You made a small sound into his mouth, and Steve went still for half a second.
âStill with me?â he asked, breathless.
âYes,â you said immediately. You caught his jaw in your hand and made him look at you. âStill with you.â
Something in him broke open at that.
He kissed you again, and this time he let you feel him. Not carelessly. Never carelessly. But fully. His grip tightened at your waist, and then he lifted you as if it cost him nothing at all. Your legs wrapped around him on instinct, a sharp breath leaving you when his hands caught under your thighs and held you there, suspended against his body.
âI like it,â you whispered before he could ask. âI like when you move me like that.â
His jaw flexed.
Then he carried you to the bed.
He lowered you onto the mattress with maddening control, following you down until his body covered yours and his weight pressed you into the sheets. It was not enough to trap you. It was enough to make your thoughts blur at the edges, enough to make your hands fist in his shirt while relief moved through you so sharply it was almost pain.
âThere,â you breathed.
Steveâs face changed. âThere?â
You nodded, pulling at him until he understood. âStay there.â
For once, he did.
His body settled over yours, heavy and warm and solid, and the sound that left you was embarrassing in its honesty. Steveâs eyes dropped to your mouth. His hand slid to your hip, fingers firm through the thin cotton of your pants.
âYou really do want this,â he said, like the truth had finally reached a place in him deeper than fear.
âIâve been telling you.â
âI know.â His voice went rough. âI know. Iâm sorry.â
âDonât apologize right now.â
His mouth twitched, but the heat in his eyes did not soften. âBossy.â
âYou like it.â
His hand tightened at your hip. âYeah,â he said, low enough to make your stomach pull tight. âI do.â
Then he kissed his way down your throat.
Steve had always been careful with his mouth. Gentle presses, patient attention, the kind of tenderness that made you feel cherished and occasionally made you want to scream. This was different. His lips dragged over your skin. His teeth grazed beneath your jaw, then closed lightly at the side of your neck, not hard enough to hurt but hard enough to make you arch under him.
His hand caught your waist and held you down.
You froze, but not from fear.
Steve felt the change and lifted his head immediately. âTell me.â
You swallowed, heat rushing into your face. âThat was good.â
He looked at his hand where it held you against the bed.
Then he did it again.
Not harder. More deliberately.
His palm spread over your waist, his fingers pressing into the soft give of you, and he held you in place while his mouth returned to your neck. Your body reacted before your pride could stop it. Your knees shifted around his hips, your back trying to arch even though his hand kept you exactly where he wanted you.
Steve made a sound against your skin.
It was not gentle.
It was hungry.
The noise went through you so intensely that you nearly forgot how to breathe. You pulled at his shirt, impatient now, and Steve let you drag it up only so far before he took over. He sat back long enough to pull it over his head, flushed and broad-shouldered and breathing hard, his eyes fixed on you like he was done pretending looking was enough.
You reached for him.
He caught both your wrists in one hand and pinned them carefully above your head.
Your breath stopped.
So did his.
For one suspended moment, neither of you moved. Steveâs grip was firm, but not painful. His fingers circled your wrists with terrifying ease, holding you in place while his free hand braced beside your shoulder. He looked down at you, and you watched the exact second he understood what the expression on your face meant.
Not fear.
Want.
âOkay?â he asked, his voice low.
You tested his hold, just enough to feel that you could not break it unless he let you. Your pulse kicked hard, your body going hot and liquid beneath him.
âVery okay,â you said.
Steveâs eyes closed for half a second.
When they opened, something steadier had settled there. Still fevered. Still affected. But listening.
Always listening.
He lowered his mouth to yours again, kissing you while he kept your wrists above your head. His other hand moved down your body, slow enough to give you time and firm enough to make the touch impossible to ignore. He found the hem of your shirt and dragged it up, his knuckles brushing your ribs, his palm flattening briefly over your stomach as if he needed to feel you breathe.
âIâve got you,â he said against your mouth.
âI know.â You lifted your head as much as his hold allowed. âThatâs why I want it.â
The words hit him hard. You felt it in the shudder that moved through his body, in the way his grip tightened for one second before he made himself loosen it again.
âSteve,â you said softly. âYou can hold me tighter than that.â
His eyes went dark.
Then he did.
His hand closed more securely around your wrists, still careful of the bones, still perfectly aware of his own strength, but no longer treating you like you might disappear beneath it. The pressure pinned you to the mattress. His body covered yours again, and this time when you arched against him, he did not pull back.
The kiss that followed was messy and deep, full of heat and teeth and his breath catching when you rolled your hips up against his.
After that, patience failed both of you.
Clothes came off in pieces, interrupted by kisses and Steve stopping only when he needed to look at your face. By the time there was nothing between you, his hands had learned a new kind of certainty. He touched you slowly at first, watching what made your eyes flutter and your breath break. Then he touched you with more confidence, his fingers firm on your thighs, spreading you open beneath him while his mouth moved lower.
You grabbed at his hair.
Steve looked up immediately.
âDonât stop,â you said.
His mouth curved, barely.
Then he lowered his head again, and the room slipped sideways.
You lost track of time under his mouth. You knew only heat, his hands on your hips, the rough scrape of his jaw against your inner thigh, the obscene tenderness of how closely he watched you while he took you apart. Every time your body tried to twist away from the intensity, his arm came across your hips and held you there, keeping you open for him until your hands fisted in the sheets.
âSteve,â you gasped.
He lifted his head just enough to answer. âToo much?â
âNot too much. Donât stop.â
His gaze held yours for another second, making sure.
Then he gave you exactly what you asked for.
When you came, it was with his name broken in your mouth and his hands holding you through it. He stayed there until the last tremor passed, pressing kisses to your skin as if gentleness had not disappeared at all. It had only changed shape.
By the time he crawled back over you, you were shaking.
Steve kissed your cheek, then your jaw, then the corner of your mouth. âStill with me?â
You laughed weakly. âUnfortunately for your ego, yes.â
His smile flickered. âMy ego?â
âYou look smug.â
âI do not.â
âYou absolutely do.â
He kissed you before you could say anything else, and you felt him hard against your thigh, hot and heavy and barely restrained. The contact made both of you go still.
Steveâs forehead dropped to yours.
âYouâre sure?â he asked.
The question was quiet, but there was nothing casual in it. Not after everything. Not with both of you still fevered, still shaking, still aware that wanting was not enough unless it stayed a choice.
You touched his face. âIâm sure.â
His eyes searched yours.
You held him there. âI want you inside me. I want you to hold me down. I want to feel you tomorrow.â
Steveâs breath left him in a shudder.
He reached between you, and even with everything your body wanted, the first press of him made you inhale sharply. Steve stopped at once, his arm trembling beside your head.
âOkay?â he asked.
âYes. Just slow.â
He kissed you, soft now, almost unbearably sweet. âSlow,â he promised.
He gave you slow. He gave you patient. He gave you every inch with his jaw clenched and his body shaking from the effort of not rushing, even as the chemical burned through both of you and made restraint feel like cruelty. Your hands slid over his shoulders, down his back, nails pressing into muscle as he filled you.
When he was finally seated deep, he went still.
You could feel his heart pounding.
For a moment, neither of you moved. The weight of him pinned you down, his chest against yours, his breath hot at your cheek. You had wanted his strength, but this was more than that. This was trust made physical. This was Steve giving you the part of himself he feared most and keeping it careful because you had asked him not to hide it.
You turned your head and kissed his jaw.
âMove,â you whispered.
Steve did.
The first thrust was measured, deep and controlled, and it drew a sound out of you that made his rhythm falter. His hand slid beneath your knee, lifting your leg higher around his hip, changing the angle until the next thrust made your eyes squeeze shut.
âThere?â he asked, voice strained.
âYes. There.â
His control thinned.
You felt it in the way his hips drove forward, still precise but harder now, each thrust pushing you deeper into the mattress. His hand found your waist and held you still, not letting you slip away from the force of him. The bed creaked beneath you. Your breath came in broken pieces. Steveâs mouth moved against your throat, your shoulder, anywhere he could reach.
âTell me if itâs too much,â he said, rough and low.
âItâs not.â
His grip tightened.
A helpless sound escaped you.
Steve groaned. âYou like feeling me hold you down.â
âYes.â
His hips snapped forward harder, and pleasure flashed through you so brightly that you grabbed at his arm. Steve stopped immediately, body locked above yours.
You shook your head before he could ask. âDonât stop. I justâSteve, it felt good.â
For a second, he only stared at you.
Then he laughed once, breathless and disbelieving, and buried his face in your neck. âYouâre going to kill me.â
âYouâll live.â
âIâm not sure.â
You smiled against his skin. âSteve.â
He lifted his head.
You wrapped your legs tighter around him. âHarder.â
The word changed him.
Not into someone else. Never that. His hand came to your face first, thumb brushing your cheek with aching tenderness. His eyes held yours, giving you one more chance, one more breath, one more place to stop.
You did not take it.
Steve kissed you, and then he stopped holding back.
He fucked you like he trusted you to know what you wanted. Like he trusted himself to listen. His body drove yours into the mattress, strong and relentless, one hand gripping your hip while the other braced beside your head. You felt surrounded by him, overwhelmed by him, held down by him, and the pleasure of it was so sharp that tears burned at the corners of your eyes.
Steve saw them.
His rhythm broke. âSweetheartââ
âGood,â you gasped, pulling him back down. âItâs good. Please.â
His face twisted, desperate and tender all at once.
Then his mouth was on yours again, swallowing the next sound you made as his hand slid between your bodies. You came hard enough to lose the shape of the room. For a few seconds there was only Steve, his weight, his voice saying your name, his hand firm at your hip as he held you through every shaking second of it.
He followed soon after, burying his face in your shoulder with a broken sound as his body went rigid over yours. Even then, even at the edge of himself, he was careful. His hand cradled the back of your head. His weight shifted just enough not to crush you. His mouth pressed against your skin, trembling and reverent.
For a long time afterward, neither of you spoke.
Steve stayed inside you, breathing hard, his body still covering yours. You could feel him everywhere: in the ache of your thighs, the heat between your legs, the solid pressure of his chest against yours. His hand moved slowly over your hair, almost dazed.
âToo much?â he asked finally, voice wrecked.
You turned your face into his palm. âNo.â
He exhaled.
âIntense,â you admitted. âBut not too much.â
His eyes closed like the distinction mattered more than anything else you could have said.
You touched his cheek. âCome here.â
âIâm already here.â
âCloser.â
A faint, exhausted smile crossed his face. âThat might be a medical impossibility.â
âTry.â
He lowered himself carefully, giving you more of his weight again, and you sighed with the comfort of it. His arms came around you. This time, when he held you, he did not loosen his grip before you asked.
You smiled against his shoulder.
âThere,â you whispered.
Steve kissed your temple. âThere.â
The serum made the whole thing absurd.
You knew Steveâs stamina. You had been dating him long enough to understand that ordinary human limits were, for him, more like polite suggestions. But the aphrodisiac took everything the serum already made unfair and pushed it into something almost ridiculous. Each time your body went loose and heavy with relief, his pulse would begin to slow for maybe a minute before another spike hit him, heat coming back into his eyes with an apology already forming on his mouth.
The third time it happened, you started laughing.
Steve looked stricken. âWhat?â
âYou have got to be kidding me.â
His ears went red.
Actually red.
Even fevered, overwhelmed, and visibly fighting the urge to pull you back under him, Steve Rogers blushed because you had implied his recovery time was inconvenient.
âIâm sorry,â he said.
You laughed harder, then winced because your body was beginning to feel like you had survived both sex pollen and a full Avengers training circuit. âDonât apologize. Just bring me the blue drink.â
He brought you the blue electrolyte drink. He opened it. He held it for you even though you were capable of holding it yourself, and when you gave him a look, he gave one right back.
âHydrate,â he said.
âYouâre such a romantic.â
His mouth curved, tired and fond and still hungry in a way that made your exhausted body consider mutiny.
âYou love me,â he said.
âI do. Unfortunately.â
His smile faded into something softer.
The drug did not take that from him. It sharpened want, stripped patience, twisted need into something urgent and physical, but it could not manufacture the way Steve looked at you when he forgot to be afraid. That was yours. That had always been yours.
You reached for him.
He came.
The hours passed in heat and fragments. The bed. The couch. The cold bathroom tile against your feet when he helped you drink water between waves because even compromised by HYDRAâs poison and his own impossible stamina, Steve Rogers still cared about hydration. The first time his control slipped enough that his body covered yours fully, his weight pressing you down into the mattress in a way that made your mind go bright and empty with relief. When you told him harder, he believed you. When you told him wait, he waited. When you told him yes, he stopped making yes prove itself over and over before he accepted it.
At some point, Bruceâs voice came carefully through the speaker after a long warning chime, asking for a verbal status check. Steve had wrapped you in a blanket by then, one hand braced on the mattress beside your hip, his body angled between you and the rest of the room as if the sound system itself might threaten your modesty.
âWeâre alive,â you called, because Steve looked like he might combust if forced to answer.
Bruce paused. âVitals are improving.â
âGreat,â you said.
âTheyâre still elevated.â
âNo kidding.â
Steve put his face in his hands.
Bruce, clearly fighting for professionalism, said, âDo either of you require medical assistance?â
You looked at Steve. Steve looked at you.
His hair was a mess. His mouth was swollen. There was a red mark on his shoulder you were fairly sure you had put there with your teeth at some point, which meant Captain America was going to leave quarantine with visible evidence that his girlfriend had briefly lost her mind.
You felt a little proud.
Steve saw your expression and narrowed his eyes.
You smiled at the ceiling. âWe need more water.â
âSending it through the transfer drawer.â
âAnd maybe food.â
âAlso sending food.â
âAnd if Tony is anywhere near the observation room, tell him I can still kill him from quarantine.â
A faint sound came through the speaker that might have been Natasha laughing.
Tonyâs voice, farther away, protested, âI have been nothing but respectful during this medical crisis.â
âYou told us to fuck it out,â Steve said.
âI said what the science implied!â
Natasha said, âMuted again.â
The speaker clicked off.
You closed your eyes and let your head fall back against the pillow. âIâm moving to Canada.â
Steve sat beside you, the mattress dipping under his weight. âWhy Canada?â
âI donât know. It was the first place that came to mind.â
âYou hate being cold.â
âIâll adapt.â
His hand settled over your ankle beneath the blanket, warm and heavy and careful again.
The care made your chest hurt.
You opened your eyes.
Steve was looking at his hand on your ankle, thumb resting lightly against the bone as if he were cataloging every possible bruise before it appeared.
There it was.
The crash.
âSteve.â
âIâm okay,â he said.
âYou are a terrible liar.â
His mouth tightened.
You pushed yourself up carefully. Every muscle objected. Steve moved to help you, then hesitated, his hand hovering near your elbow.
You stared at it.
He started to pull away.
âOh, donât you dare.â
His eyes jumped to yours.
âYou donât get to spend hours proving you can listen to me and then go right back to treating me like spun glass.â
The words were sharper than you intended, but you did not take them back. You were tired and sore and still flushed with the chemicalâs fading heat, and you could not bear the thought of waking up tomorrow with Steve further away from you than he had been before.
His hand closed carefully around your elbow.
He helped you sit.
Then he let go.
You sighed. âThatâs not what I meant.â
âI know.â
âDo you?â
He looked down.
The room was cooler now, or maybe your skin was finally returning to itself. The sheets were tangled around you, towels abandoned near the edge of the bed, and Steve had arranged water and protein bars on the table with the grim practicality of a soldier preparing supplies during a siege.
You touched his hand.
He went still, but he did not pull away.
âI remember,â you said.
His gaze lifted.
âI know youâre going to worry it was all fever and chemicals and that Iâll wake up horrified. So Iâm telling you now. I remember asking. I remember you listening. I remember you stopping when I said wait. I remember you giving me water like the worldâs most overqualified nurse.â
That got the smallest breath of amusement from him.
âAnd I remember liking it,â you said.
His expression closed.
You squeezed his hand before he could leave you from six inches away. âSteve.â
His voice was quiet. âThere will be bruises.â
âProbably.â
âI was too rough.â
âYou were rougher.â
His eyes met yours.
The distinction mattered. You could see him hearing it.
âYou were not too rough,â you said. âIf you had been, I would have told you.â
âYou were drugged.â
âSo were you.â
âThat doesnât cancel it out.â
âNo. It means we talk about it like adults who were put in an awful situation by people who wanted to use our bodies against us.â Your throat tightened, but you kept going. âHYDRA did that. Not you.â
Steve looked away.
You shifted closer, giving him time to stop you.
He did not.
âThe worst part,â you said softly, âis that Iâm afraid youâre going to use this as proof that you were right to hold back.â
He did not answer.
That was answer enough.
âI donât know how not to think about what could have happened,â he said. âI donât know how to look at marks on you and not wonder if I misjudged. I donât know how to be that with you without worrying Iâll become something I canât take back.â
You cupped his face.
He went still.
âListen to me,â you said. âI do not need you drugged. I do not need you out of control. I do not need you to become someone else. I need you listening. Thatâs all Iâve ever been asking for.â
His eyes closed.
You leaned forward and pressed your forehead to his.
âSometimes I want sweet. Sometimes I want slow. Sometimes I want the way you touch me when youâre trying to remind me Iâm safe.â
Steveâs hand rose to your waist, hesitant but there.
âAnd sometimes,â you continued, âI want to feel your strength because I already know Iâm safe with you.â
His fingers tightened, not by much, but enough for you to notice.
You smiled.
His eyes opened, and this time he saw you clearly. You were tired and sore, sober enough to know what you were saying, and still leaning into his hand.
A long breath left him.
âI donât know if I can promise to get it right every time,â he said.
âYou donât have to.â
His thumb moved once at your waist. âI can promise to keep listening.â
Your chest softened. âThatâs the whole thing, Rogers.â
He huffed out a quiet laugh.
Then he kissed you.
It was gentle.
You let it be.
Gentle was not the enemy. Careful was not the enemy. You loved this part of him, the sweetness that survived war and serum and ice and every person who had tried to make him into something less human than he was.
When he pulled back, he rested his forehead against yours again.
âI love you,â he said.
âI know.â
His eyes narrowed.
You smiled. âI love you too.â
âBetter.â
âYouâre needy after sex pollen.â
His face went pink.
You laughed, and this time it did not hurt as much.
The speaker chimed before Bruceâs voice came through again, cautious but relieved. âYour levels are dropping. Steveâs are still elevated, but trending down.â
You patted Steveâs cheek. âNegative refractory period and slow toxin clearance. Tragic.â
Bruce coughed.
Steve closed his eyes. âPlease donât say that where he can hear you.â
Bruce, sounding like he regretted medical school, said, âYouâre both past the worst of it.â
Past the worst of it.
You leaned into Steve and felt his arm come around you. Still careful. Always careful. But when you tucked yourself closer, he did not loosen his hold to give you space you had not requested.
He kept you there.
That felt like victory.
Several hours later, the door unsealed.
By then, you had showered, changed into clean clothes from the transfer drawer, eaten two protein bars, half a sandwich, and something Tony claimed was a recovery smoothie but looked like melted radioactive mint chip. Steve had refused to let you drink it until Bruce confirmed it was safe. You had refused to let Steve throw it away until you got to take a picture.
For blackmail, obviously.
The chemical had faded to an afterglow of exhaustion and tenderness by the time Dr. Cho cleared you both for release. She examined you first, clinically calm, making notes on your vitals and checking the places where bruises had begun to rise along your hips and thighs. Steve stood on the other side of the room pretending not to watch while absolutely watching.
Dr. Cho glanced between you once and said, âAny pain beyond expected muscle soreness?â
âNo.â
Steveâs jaw tightened.
You shot him a look.
Dr. Choâs mouth curved faintly. âAny dizziness? Nausea? Confusion?â
âNo.â
âDo you feel safe leaving quarantine with Captain Rogers?â
Steve looked as if the question had physically struck him.
You answered without hesitation. âYes.â
Dr. Cho nodded as if she had expected nothing else, then turned to Steve. âDo you?â
That surprised him.
It surprised you, too.
Steve blinked. âDo I what?â
âFeel safe leaving quarantine with her.â
For a second, he looked almost offended on your behalf. Then the question settled, and something complicated moved through his face.
âYes,â he said quietly.
Dr. Cho made another note. âGood.â
When she left, Steve stared after her.
You bumped his arm with your shoulder. âTold you. Smart woman.â
He looked down at you. âYou planned that?â
âNo. Iâm just choosing to take credit.â
His smile was small but real.
The hallway outside quarantine was empty except for Natasha, who leaned against the far wall with a paper bag in one hand and the expression of someone prepared to murder Tony Stark if necessary. She took in both of you with one sweep of her eyes, pausing only briefly on the marks high on Steveâs neck that his shirt did not fully cover.
Her brows rose.
Steveâs ears went red again.
You took the bag from her. âPlease tell me thatâs food.â
âYour actual clothes,â Natasha said. âAnd food.â
âIâve never loved you more.â
âI know.â
Steve cleared his throat. âWhereâs Tony?â
âBanned from this floor,â Natasha said. âPossibly forever, depending on whether he makes the T-shirt.â
You stared at her. âWhat T-shirt?â
âThe one he absolutely should not make.â
Steve looked up at the ceiling like he was asking God for strength, and despite everything, you started laughing.
He looked at you like you were the sunrise and a headache at the same time.
Natashaâs expression softened by a fraction. âGo home. Sleep. Hydrate. Donât let him brood too much.â
âI donât brood,â Steve said.
Natasha and you looked at him.
He frowned. âI donât brood that much.â
âThatâs progress,â Natasha said, and walked away.
The elevator ride to Steveâs floor was quiet without being uncomfortable. Your body was exhausted in a deep, humming way, and Steve kept his hand around yours as if he had decided, finally, that touching you after quarantine was allowed.
âYouâre thinking,â you said.
âI do that.â
âDangerous habit.â
His mouth curved, then faded.
When the elevator doors opened, he did not move right away.
âI donât want that to be the only time,â he said.
Your heart tripped.
Steve looked straight ahead into the empty hallway, jaw set as if he were bracing himself for enemy fire. âNot like that. Not because of the drug. I donât want that again.â
âMe neither.â
âBut what you asked for.â He glanced at you then, uncertain but honest. âI donât want to go back to pretending I donât hear you.â
The tenderness that moved through you was almost worse than the heat had been.
âOkay,â you said.
His brows drew together slightly. âOkay?â
âWe donât go back.â
Some of the tension eased from his shoulders.
âWe talk,â you said. âWhen weâre rested. When thereâs no toxin, no quarantine, no Tony making commentary from behind glass. We figure out what we both want. Whatâs okay. What isnât. Where you need reassurance. Where I need you to stop deciding for me.â
Steve absorbed that.
Then he nodded. âI can do that.â
âI know.â
His eyes softened. âYou sound very sure.â
âI am.â
âAbout me?â
You squeezed his hand. âAlways.â
That one hit him. Steve could take praise in public if it were about Captain America, but give Steve Rogers certainty in private, and he looked like you had handed him something fragile enough to frighten him.
You loved him so much that it made you ache.
âCome on,â you said softly. âTake me to bed.â
His eyes darkened before he could stop them.
You pointed at him. âTo sleep.â
âI didnât say anything.â
âYou thought it very loudly.â
âI have never thought loudly in my life.â
âYou are a patriotic foghorn.â
He laughed then, a real laugh, tired and warm in the empty hallway. It followed you into his apartment, into the quiet space that smelled like laundry detergent and coffee and the faint cedar soap he liked. You changed into one of his shirts because your clean clothes were in Natashaâs bag and Steveâs were closer. He pretended not to watch you do it.
The bed felt impossibly soft.
Steve climbed in after you with unusual caution, lying on his back at first as though he did not want to presume. You let him suffer for approximately three seconds before rolling into his side.
His arm came around you.
Careful.
Then, after a pause, firmer.
You smiled against his chest.
âThere,â you murmured.
Steveâs chin brushed the top of your head. âThere?â
âThatâs better.â
His hand spread against your back.
The weight of it was warm and solid and exactly enough.
For a long time, neither of you spoke. His heartbeat slowed beneath your ear. Yours followed. The city beyond the windows moved on without you, full of noise and light and people who had no idea that the world had narrowed for a few hours to a locked room, a terrible chemical, and the difference between fear and trust.
You were almost asleep when Steve said your name.
âHm?â
âI was scared,â he said quietly. âNot of you. Not really of the drug either. I was scared Iâd find out there was a part of me I couldnât control.â
You lifted your head.
âAnd then I was scared because I could control it enough to listen,â he said. âWhich meant all the times before, when you asked and I pulled back, it wasnât because I couldnât do it safely. It was because I didnât trust myself.â
Your throat tightened. âIt frustrated me. Sometimes it hurt my feelings. Not because you wouldnât do exactly what I wanted, but because it felt like you trusted your fear more than you trusted me.â
His face softened with pain.
âBut I understand why,â you said. âThat doesnât erase it. It gives us somewhere to go.â
His hand covered yours.
âI donât need perfect,â you said. âI need honest. And I need you to stop looking at my bruises like theyâre evidence in a murder investigation.â
A startled laugh broke out of him.
You grinned. âSome of those are mine emotionally.â
He shook his head, but the guilt in his eyes eased. âYouâre impossible.â
âYou love me.â
âI do.â
âUnfortunately?â
His smile softened. âNever.â
That was unfair. You were too tired to be expected to survive Steve Rogers saying things like that while looking at you like you were the only place he had ever wanted to come home to.
You settled back against him, hiding your face in his shirt.
âGo to sleep,â he murmured.
âYou first.â
âI can do this all night.â
âNegative refractory period and no sleep requirements. Tragic.â
âPlease stop calling it that.â
âNo.â
He sighed, but his arm tightened around you, and this time there was no fear in it.
Only warmth.
Only weight.
Only Steve, careful with you because he loved you.
And finally, finally, strong enough to understand that careful did not always mean letting go.
credit to @uzmacchiato for the cherry divider and @saradika-graphics for the Captain America divider
The world beyond the safehouse narrowed to weather reports, static, and the occasional distant thermal signature near the lower ridge. HYDRA did not find the cabin, but they did not leave the mountain either. Every few days, a drone skimmed the tree line before vanishing into weather. Once, a coded burst hit the scanner and died before you could trace it. They knew you were alive. They knew you had not made it to an official extraction point. They knew there was somewhere else.
They just did not know where.
The safehouse held.
So did the strange, unfinished thing between you and Bucky.
The kissing became routine before sex did, which should have made it safer and somehow made it worse. He kissed you in the kitchen while bread dough rose beneath a towel. He kissed you in the mudroom with snow in his hair and cold hands carefully kept away from your skin until they warmed. He kissed you once in the pantry, between the canned tomatoes and the rice bins, and you made a sound so embarrassing that he smiled against your mouth for ten minutes afterward.
You did not talk about what came next.
Not directly.
But edges of it began to appear.
Bucky had always been observant. That was not new. He noticed things the way other people breathed, sometimes because the Winter Soldier had been trained to catalog weaknesses, sometimes because Bucky Barnes had always been the kind of man who paid attention when he cared.
Now his attention changed.
He noticed your body soften when his voice grew firm. He noticed that you stopped arguing more quickly when he told you to sit down after patrol instead of asking. He noticed that praise made you look away before it made you smile. He noticed that being told what to do sometimes calmed you more than being offered comfort.
And because he was Bucky, because he understood too well the difference between surrender and having something stolen, he never used any of it without checking first.
One evening, after a bad radio day and three hours of you taking inventory of a pantry that did not need counting, he found you standing on a chair, reorganizing the top shelf with unnecessary aggression.
âGet down,â he said.
You looked over your shoulder. âExcuse me?â
âYou heard me.â
âCareful, Barnes. That sounded like an order.â
His eyes stayed on yours. âIt was.â
Your body reacted before your pride could stop it.
Bucky saw.
Of course he saw.
The pantry went very quiet.
Then he softened his voice without making it weak. âYouâve been up there twenty minutes. Your hands are shaking. Get down before you fall.â
The explanation gave you room to breathe.
You climbed down.
He held out a hand. You hesitated only a second before taking it.
âGood girl,â he said, almost absently.
Your entire body went still.
Buckyâs eyes sharpened.
The silence that followed was not awkward. It was much worse than awkward. It was precise.
Your face warmed. âDonât.â
âDonât what?â
âYou know what.â
âI know a lot of things.â
âSmugness is very unattractive.â
His mouth curved. âThat why youâre looking at my mouth?â
âIâm planning violence.â
âSure you are.â
You stepped closer before you could think better of it. âYou trying to provoke me?â
âNo.â His gaze dropped to your lips. âTrying to understand you.â
That took some of the fight out of you.
You hated that too.
âThereâs nothing to understand.â
âLiar.â
The word was soft enough to feel like touch.
You swallowed.
He lifted his hand, slow and careful, and brushed his knuckles along your jaw. âWeâll talk before anything happens.â
Your pulse kicked. âAnything?â
His eyes darkened. âAnything past kissing.â
âAnd if I donât want to talk?â
âThen nothing happens.â
You should have been annoyed by how responsible he was. Instead, it settled low in your stomach, warm and heavy.
âThatâs very noble.â
âItâs not noble. Itâs basic decency.â
âSame thing, depending on the company.â
Buckyâs thumb brushed your lower lip. âYouâve had bad company.â
You looked at him for a long moment.
Then you said, because it was true and because truth had become easier in the pantry than it had any right to be, âYes.â
His expression did not change into pity. That mattered.
Instead, he nodded once and stepped back, letting the air return.
âCome eat,â he said. âYou skipped lunch.â
âYou keeping track?â
âYes.â
âThatâs unsettling.â
âYou like it.â
You hated that he was right.
The first time you talked about it, you were in bed with the lights off and a storm reduced to a low, steady whisper against the shutters.
Bucky lay on his back beside you, one arm folded beneath his head. You were on your side facing him, close enough to feel the heat of him but not touching. You had kissed for a long time that night, slow and deep beneath the blankets, until your thighs ached from pressing together and his breath had gone rough against your mouth.
Then he had stopped.
Not because he wanted to. You had felt exactly how much he wanted to.
Because he had said you would talk first.
That should not have made you want him more.
It did.
For a while, Bucky said nothing, but his silence had weight instead of distance, as if he were holding the space open until you were ready to step into it.
Then he said, âWe should talk about the practical stuff too.â
You blinked at him. âThe practical stuff.â
His mouth twitched, but his ears went a little pink. âHealth. Protection. Boundaries.â
âOh.â
âYeah.â
The heat in your face was immediate and deeply unfair. You were an Avenger. You had been shot at, stabbed, thrown through windows, and once forced to crawl through a ventilation shaft while Tony narrated your progress like a nature documentary. You should have been able to discuss sexual health without wanting to disappear beneath the blankets.
Bucky seemed to notice.
Of course he noticed.
His thumb moved once over your hip. âToo much?â
âNo,â you said quickly. âJustâŚawkward.â
âDoesnât have to be.â
âIt absolutely has to be. Thatâs the law.â
That earned you a small laugh. The sound loosened something in your chest.
He stayed on his side facing you, close but not crowding. âI had full testing through Wakanda before I came back into the field, and then again through Avengers medical after the last mission in Madripoor. Everything was clear. I havenât been with anyone since.â
You nodded, then realized he was waiting for an answer because he was not going to assume anything about you. The steadiness of that made the embarrassment easier to bear.
âSame,â you said. âFull panel through Avengers medical a few months ago. Everything clear. No partners since.â
Buckyâs expression softened slightly.
You rolled your eyes before he could say anything perceptive. âDonât look emotionally moved by responsible STI discussion.â
âIâm not.â
âYou are.â
âIâm appreciating your thoroughness.â
âThat is worse.â
His smile tugged at one corner of his mouth. âPreparedness bunker. Prepared woman.â
You groaned and turned your face toward the pillow.
His hand shifted to the back of your neck, warm and grounding. âBirth control?â
You looked back at him. âI have an IUD.â
His eyebrows lifted, not in surprise exactly, but in consideration.
âItâs current,â you added. âAvengers medical checked it.â
Bucky stared at you for one second too long.
Your eyes narrowed. âWhat?â
âNothing.â
âThat was not nothing.â
âItâs responsible,â he said, but his voice had gone lower.
Your pulse changed.
So did his expression.
Oh.
The silence that followed was no longer awkward.
It was charged.
âBarnes,â you said slowly.
He looked at your mouth. âYeah?â
âDid you just get turned on by my contraceptive plan?â
His jaw flexed.
You stared at him.
Then your own body betrayed you, heat curling low in your stomach so sharply that his eyes snapped back to yours.
His pupils widened.
âYou too?â he asked.
âNo.â
âLiar.â
âI am thinking about public health.â
âYou are not.â
âIâm a responsible adult.â
âYouâre turned on.â
âSo are you.â
His hand tightened slightly at the back of your neck.
The air left your lungs.
Buckyâs gaze darkened, but his voice stayed careful. âTell me what part.â
You could have dodged. You almost did. It would have been easy to make a joke, to roll away, to turn the conversation into something sharp enough that neither of you had to stand in the center of what had just opened between you.
But he was still waiting.
He always waited.
You swallowed. âThe part where itâs safe.â
His eyes stayed on yours.
You hated how hard it was to say. You hated how badly you wanted to say it anyway.
âThe part where you could come inside me,â you continued, quieter now. âAnd it wouldnât mean anything I donât want it to mean.â
Buckyâs breath left him slowly.
Your face heated. âBabies, no. Absolutely no babies. Not now, not someday, not ever.â
Buckyâs answer came at once. âNo babies.â
The speed of it helped more than you expected.
You searched his face. âYou mean that?â
âYes.â His thumb stroked beneath your jaw. âThatâs not what I want.â
âWhat do you want?â
His gaze dropped to your mouth again, and when he answered, his voice had gone rough enough to make your thighs press together.
âTo fill you up and know you wanted me to.â
Your breath caught.
Bucky noticed the movement and went still, giving you the space to react without chasing it.
The problem was that you wanted him to chase it.
âOh,â you said, which was humiliatingly inadequate.
His mouth curved slightly. âYeah.â
You tried to look away.
His fingers tightened at the back of your neck, not enough to force, only enough to remind you he was there. âColor?â
The question steadied you.
âGreen,â you whispered.
âThen look at me.â
You did.
âCreampies yes,â he said, voice low but precise. âBabies no.â
Your entire body went hot.
âYes.â
âWe use condoms if either of us wants them. We stop if anyone feels weird. We donât treat birth control like magic, and we donât pretend kink is a contract.â
Your chest tightened. âYouâre very responsible for someone saying the word creampie in that voice.â
His smile deepened. âI contain multitudes.â
You laughed despite yourself.
Then he leaned in and kissed the corner of your mouth, barely there. âWe donât have to do that the first time.â
You looked at him.
He looked back, calm and careful, even with the obvious heat in his face.
âWe can,â you said.
His eyes darkened.
You quickly added, âIf you want. I mean, I want. But only if youââ
âI want.â
The words cut through your rambling cleanly.
You exhaled.
Buckyâs hand slid from your neck to your waist. âI want that with you. But I need to know youâre choosing it because you want it, not because you think I do.â
There it was again. That awful, devastating care.
You touched his face. âI want it.â
His gaze searched yours for a long moment.
Then he nodded. âOkay.â
âOkay.â
A beat passed.
You lifted an eyebrow. âAre we done being medically responsible now?â
âFor the moment.â
âThank god.â
âNot done with boundaries.â
You groaned. âYouâre killing the mood.â
âNo,â Bucky said, and his hand settled more heavily at your waist. âIâm making sure we can keep it.â
That shut you up.
His expression softened, just barely. âColor system.â
âWe already did that.â
âWeâre doing it again.â
You rolled your eyes, but your body had already started to calm under the certainty of his voice. âGreen means keep going. Yellow means slow down, check in, or change something. Red means stop immediately.â
âIf either of us says red, everything stops,â he said. âNo arguing. No convincing. No punishment.â
âYes.â
âSame rules for yellow?â
âSame rules for yellow.â
âGood.â
âDo you have anything else?â
âYes.â
You stared. âOf course you do.â
âIf you go quiet, I check in.â
Your mouth opened, then closed again.
Buckyâs gaze stayed steady on yours, calm in a way that made it impossible to turn the conversation into a joke quickly enough to escape it. His hand was still at your waist, warm through the thin fabric of your shirt, but he was not holding you there. He never held you anywhere you had not already chosen to stay.
âYou do that,â he said. âWhen something gets too close. You get quiet first.â
Your face warmed. âThat is a very annoying observation.â
âIâm an annoying man.â
âYouâre a nosy man.â
âThat too.â His thumb moved once, slow and grounding. âIf you go quiet because it feels good, you tell me green. If you go quiet because you need a second, you tell me yellow. If you canât talk, we need a signal.â
The irritation faded before you could make use of it.
That was the worst thing about Bucky. He could make your defenses feel childish without ever treating them that way.
âThree taps,â you said after a moment. âAnywhere on you. On the bed. Wall. Whatever I can reach. Three taps means stop.â
He nodded. âGood.â
âAnd if you go quiet?â you asked.
Something flickered across his face.
You caught it before he could bury it.
âNo,â you said, softer now. âThis goes both ways.â
Bucky looked at you for a long second, then nodded again. âSame for me. If I go quiet in a bad way, I say yellow or red. If I canât say it, three taps.â
âGood.â
âBossy,â he said.
âYou like me that way.â
âI do.â
The honesty made your stomach dip.
You touched the dog tags resting against his chest. âAnd if you get in your head, if something feels wrong, you stop too. Even if Iâm okay. Even if Iâm asking for more.â
His eyes softened in a way that made your chest ache.
âYeah,â he said. âI stop too.â
âI mean it.â
âI know.â
âNo heroic nonsense.â
His mouth curved. âThat your official rule?â
âYes.â
âThen yes. No heroic nonsense.â
The silence after that felt different. Fuller. Like you had built the floor before stepping onto it.
Buckyâs hand returned to the back of your neck. âAnything else you want to tell me?â
You looked at his mouth. âThat depends.â
âOn?â
âWhether youâre going to make me say it properly.â
His gaze darkened at once.
âThere she is,â he murmured.
Your pulse jumped.
âSay it properly,â he said.
You swallowed, the words embarrassing and hot and yours because he had made enough room for you to choose them.
âI want you to fuck me,â you said. âI want you to come inside me. I want you to tell me what to do, and I want to stop thinking for a while.â
Buckyâs breath caught.
Then his hand tightened at the back of your neck, and his voice dropped into that low, steady place that made every guarded part of you go quiet.
âGood girl.â
Your body softened immediately.
His eyes darkened with satisfaction and something gentler beneath it.
âNot tonight,â he said, brushing his mouth over yours before you could protest. âBut now we both know what weâre waiting for.â
The first time happened two weeks later.
By then, the wanting had become part of the walls.
It lived in the kitchen when Bucky reached over you for a mug and lingered half a second too long. It lived in the bedroom when you woke with your back pressed to his chest and his arm heavy over your waist, both of you pretending not to notice that neither of you moved away. It lived in his voice when he told you to stop checking the radio after midnight, and in your hands when you patched the small cuts he still picked up on patrol despite healing faster than anyone had a right to.
It lived in all the ways you had chosen not to rush.
Maybe that was why, when it finally broke, neither of you mistook it for panic.
The day had been bad.
A drone had skimmed too close to the eastern perimeter, forcing the safehouse into lockdown for six hours. No lights except the emergency strips. No radio. No stove smoke. No movement near the windows. You and Bucky had sat shoulder to shoulder in the hallway, rifles across your laps, waiting to see whether HYDRA had finally found the thread that led home.
They had not.
When the drone disappeared and the systems reset, your body refused to believe it. Your hands shook while you cleared the rifle. You checked the locks twice. Then three times. Then the pantry inventory, because apparently fear had decided canned corn was a spiritual issue.
Bucky found you there at dusk, standing between the shelves with a clipboard in your hand.
âYouâve counted the tomatoes four times,â he said.
âMaybe I love tomatoes.â
âYou hate tomatoes unless theyâre cooked.â
âI contain multitudes.â
He stopped in the doorway. âCome here.â
You looked up.
His voice was quiet. Firm.
Your pulse changed.
âIâm busy.â
âNo, youâre scared.â
You hated that. You hated the accuracy, the gentleness, the fact that he did not sound angry or disappointed. You hated that some part of you wanted to put the clipboard down because he had told you to.
âIâm doing inventory,â you said.
âYou know exactly how much food we have.â
âThatâs the point of inventory.â
âYou know because you counted it yesterday. And the day before. And this morning.â He stepped closer, slow enough that you had time to retreat. âCome here, sweetheart.â
The clipboard creaked in your grip.
Then you put it down.
Buckyâs eyes softened as you walked toward him. He did not touch until you stopped close enough to feel his warmth.
âGood girl,â he said.
Your breath caught.
He noticed. He always noticed.
âColor?â he asked.
âGreen.â
His hand rose to the back of your neck. âWhat do you need?â
There were plenty of ways to lie.
You were tired of all of them.
âYou,â you said.
His expression shifted.
âSay it again.â
âI need you.â
His thumb stroked once beneath your jaw. âHow?â
You swallowed. âI need you to take over.â
The words left you shaking.
Buckyâs gaze darkened, but he did not move too quickly. That was the unbearable thing. He wanted you. You could see it in the tension of his jaw, in the way his breathing changed, in the hand that flexed once at his side before he controlled it. But he held the want steady, shaping it into something you could lean against.
âWe go slow,â he said.
You nodded.
âWords.â
âYes. Slow.â
âIf anything feels wrong, you say yellow or red.â
âYes.â
His thumb brushed your lower lip. âAnd if it feels good?â
Your breath trembled. âI say green.â
âGood.â
He kissed you in the pantry, between the tomatoes and the rice and all the evidence of your oldest fears. It should have made you feel ridiculous. Instead, when his hand tightened at the back of your neck and his mouth opened over yours, you felt something inside you finally unclench.
Bucky walked you backward out of the pantry without breaking the kiss.
By the time you reached the bedroom, your hands were under his shirt and his were at your waist. He closed the door behind you, then stopped, breathing hard. His eyes searched yours in the low light.
âGreen?â
âGreen.â
âClothes off,â he said. âSlowly.â
Your body went hot all over.
He stepped back and sat on the edge of the bed, giving you space and giving himself a better view. The shift in power should have made you self-conscious. It did, a little. But beneath that, stronger than that, was relief.
For once, you did not have to decide what happened next.
You only had to listen.
You pulled your shirt over your head and dropped it to the floor.
Buckyâs gaze moved over you with open hunger. He did not hide it. He did not soften it into politeness. He looked at you as if wanting you was something he had decided not to be ashamed of, and the force of that nearly made your knees weak.
âBra,â he said.
Your fingers went to the clasp.
âTurn around first.â
Heat rushed through you. You turned, then unclasped your bra and let it fall. The room was quiet enough that you heard his breath leave him.
âPants.â
You pushed your leggings and panties down together, stepping out of them with as much dignity as a woman could manage while naked and trembling.
âCome here.â
You turned back.
Buckyâs eyes were darker than you had ever seen them. His legs were spread, his hands resting on his thighs, and the sight of him watching you made your body clench around nothing.
You went to him.
He caught your hips and pulled you between his knees. For a second, he only looked. Then he leaned forward and kissed the center of your chest, warm mouth over your heartbeat.
âSo pretty,â he murmured.
You looked away instantly.
His hand caught your chin. âTake it.â
Your face burned. âThank you.â
âGood girl.â
The words went through you like heat.
Buckyâs hands slid to the backs of your thighs. For one dizzy second, you thought he was only pulling you closer. Then he lifted you like you weighed nothing and set you on the edge of the mattress, spreading your knees with firm, careful hands as he sank down in front of you.Â
Your breath caught.
He looked up at you from between your thighs, broad shoulders forcing you open, his hands warm where they held you steady. The sight of him there, kneeling while still somehow making it feel like he was the one in control, made your body forget how to breathe.
âTell me if anything changes.â
Then he put his mouth on you.
Your head fell back with a sharp gasp. Buckyâs hands tightened on your thighs, holding you at the edge of the bed while his tongue moved through you with slow, filthy focus. He did not rush. He learned you. He found what made your breath catch, what made your knees try to close, what made your fingers dive into his hair because you needed somewhere to put all the feeling.
You tried to stay quiet at first.
Old habit. Control again, even here.
Bucky stopped immediately.
You looked down, frustrated and dazed.
His mouth was wet. His eyes were dark.
âDonât hold back from me.â
The words were soft. The command was not.
Your fingers tightened in his hair. âIâm trying.â
His expression softened for half a second. âI know. Try harder.â
Then he hooked one of your legs over his shoulder, dragged you a little closer to the edge of the mattress, and went back to work.
This time, when the moan rose in your throat, you let it out.
Bucky rewarded you with a groan against your cunt that nearly took your legs out from under you. You pulled his hair without meaning to. His eyes flashed up to yours, and the sight of him there, kneeling between your thighs, hungry and pleased, made something in you go loose.
âThatâs it,â he murmured. âUse me to stay up.â
The orgasm built slowly and then all at once, heat gathering at the base of your spine until your whole body seemed to pull tight around the pleasure. Bucky did not let up. He held you through it, mouth firm, hands bruising in the best way as you came with a broken cry that sounded too much like surrender.
Your body tried to fold forward, overwhelmed and shaking, but Bucky caught you with one arm around your waist. He stayed on his knees between your legs, his mouth pressed to the inside of your thigh now, breathing hard against your skin while your fingers trembled in his hair.
For a few seconds, neither of you moved.
He lifted his head, mouth wet, eyes dark. The sight of him like that, kneeling between your open thighs with your body still pulsing from what he had done to you, made heat curl through you all over again before you had even caught your breath.
His hands slid up your thighs, over your hips, and settled at your waist. He rose from the floor with that impossible serum-born ease, broad body unfolding over yours until you had to tilt your head back to keep looking at him.
âLie back,â he said.
The command was quiet.
You obeyed.
Your back met the mattress, and Bucky followed you down, one hand braced beside your head while the other stayed warm at your hip. He hovered over you for a moment, close enough that his dog tags brushed your chest, close enough that you could feel how hard he was through the rough fabric of his pants.
Then he sat back on his heels and stripped off his shirt. You had seen him shirtless before. The first night, bloodied and half-frozen under your kitchen lights. In the mornings, when he changed too casually now that you had both stopped pretending not to look. But this was different. This was permission.
You let yourself look.
His body was powerful, scarred, beautiful in a way that made your chest ache. The seam where flesh met vibranium was still the first place your eyes went, not out of horror, but because it was part of him and because you wanted to touch every place that had been made into a weapon and remind it that it belonged to him now.
Bucky paused with his hands at his belt, giving you one last chance to stop him.
You held his gaze and did not look away.
Only then did he undo the buckle.
For a second, your brain simply stopped. You had known Bucky was big. The man was built like a wall that had learned guilt and manners. But knowing that and seeing him hard, thick, and heavy against his stomach were very different experiences. He had to be nine inches, maybe more, and your first coherent thought was that his serum had made several things about him deeply unfair.
Your second coherent thought was that you wanted him anyway.
Bucky watched your face with growing amusement. âProblem?â
âYouâre smug again.â
âYou went very quiet.â
âIâm reassessing the logistics.â
His laugh came out rough. âLogistics?â
âYou heard me.â
He climbed onto the bed and settled between your thighs, bracing his weight carefully. âWe donât have to.â
You wrapped a leg around his hip before he could move away. âI didnât say that.â
âNo, you said logistics.â
âI am an Avenger. We plan.â
His smile softened into something hotter. âThen plan on taking your time.â
That did not help.
He kissed you slowly while his hand slid between your bodies. His fingers found you wet and sensitive, and your hips lifted into his touch before you could stop them. He worked you open patiently, first with one finger, then two, then three, his mouth at your throat and his voice low in your ear.
âRelax,â he said. âIâve got you.â
You tried.
He felt the effort and kissed your cheek. âThatâs it.â
By the time he reached for the nightstand, your body was trembling from want and overstimulation.
Bucky paused with his hand on the drawer, his eyes returning to yours with that careful, devastating focus. He did not open it like he had a right to anything in your room. Even now, with you naked beneath him and still shaking from his mouth, he waited.
âLube?â he asked.
Your face warmed, which was ridiculous after everything he had already done to you.
âTop right.â
His mouth curved faintly, but he did not tease. He opened the drawer and found the small bottle tucked beside painkillers, a flashlight, spare batteries, and the other practical things you had stocked because preparedness had always been easier than trust.
He slicked his fingers first, still watching your face, still giving you every chance to change your mind. You were wet and sensitive from his mouth, but he took his time anyway, working you open with almost maddening patience. One finger, then two, then three, his mouth at your throat and his voice low against your skin.
âRelax,â he murmured. âIâve got you.â
You tried.
He felt the effort and kissed your cheek. âThatâs it. Let me take care of the hard part.â
By the time he settled between your thighs, there was nothing between you.
The realization hit harder than you expected. You had agreed to it. You wanted it. You had talked through the practicalities in the dark, had named the IUD and the clean tests and the fact that this was about trust and kink, not consequences neither of you wanted.
Still, when the head of his cock pressed against you bare, your whole body went quiet.
Bucky stilled at once. His face was flushed with restraint, his hair falling forward, his body held so carefully over yours that the care itself felt like another kind of touch.
You looked up at him before he could ask.
âGreen,â you whispered. âI want you bare. I want you to come inside me.â
Buckyâs jaw flexed, and for one second, his control looked almost painful. âGood girl.â
Then he pushed in slowly. The stretch stole every thought you had. It burned at first, not painfully, but enough that your hands gripped the sheets and your mouth fell open without sound. He stopped immediately, barely inside, jaw clenched so hard you could see the muscle jump.
âToo much?â
âNo,â you breathed. âJust slow.â
âSlow,â he agreed.
He gave you slow. Inch by inch, with patience that bordered on torture, Bucky worked himself into you. He kissed your jaw, your cheek, your mouth, murmuring praise against your skin until the stretch eased into fullness and the fullness became something hot enough to drown in.
When his hips finally met yours, both of you were shaking.
âFuck,â he whispered.
Your laugh came out breathless. âThat bad?â
His eyes lifted to yours. âThat good.â
You closed your eyes.
âNo,â he said.
Your eyes opened.
He touched your face. âStay with me.â
That was harder than taking him.
You did it anyway.
The first thrust was shallow. The second went deeper, and your fingers dug into his shoulders as pleasure sparked bright beneath the pressure. Bucky watched you as if he were memorizing the exact moment your body stopped resisting and started asking for more.
âThere,â he murmured. âThatâs my girl.â
Your breath broke.
His eyes sharpened. âYou like that?â
You nodded.
âWords.â
âYes.â
He smiled, slow and devastating. âGood girl.â
He moved then, still careful, but steadier now. Every thrust dragged a sound out of you. Every withdrawal made you feel impossibly empty before he filled you again. His size made everything slower, more deliberate, more overwhelming. There was no room to think around him. There was only Bucky above you, Bucky inside you, Buckyâs voice telling you how well you were taking him until your eyes stung.
The first tear slipped before you realized it.
Bucky stopped instantly. âDoll?â
You shook your head, catching his wrist before he could pull away. âGreen.â
His eyes searched yours. âPain?â
âNo.â Another tear slid down your temple, and you laughed weakly, embarrassed by it. âIt feels good. Itâs just⌠a lot.â
He still didnât move. âTalk to me.â
âIâm not sad.â Your voice broke on the last word, which did not make your argument convincing.
His hand cupped your cheek. âThen what?â
You swallowed, trying to find the shape of it. The ache in your chest was too full to be hurt, too sweet to be fear. âI donât know. I think I just feel overwhelmed.â
Buckyâs expression changed, tender and dark at once.
âYou want me to stop?â
âNo.â
âYou want me to slow down?â
You hesitated.
His thumb brushed away the tear. âBe honest.â
âNo,â you whispered. âI want you to keep going.â
His eyes darkened. âYeah?â
You nodded.
His mouth lowered to your cheek, kissing the wet track there with such reverence that your body clenched around him.
Bucky groaned like the sound had been dragged out of him. âOh, sweetheart.â
You were embarrassed. You were turned on. You were too full of him to pretend either feeling was separate, and he felt all of it. His hips twitched before he could stop them, a short, helpless movement that made you gasp because he had been so controlled until now.Â
His eyes snapped to yours. âStill green?â
âGreen,â you whispered.
The answer did something to him. You saw it happen: the restraint in his jaw, the dark flare of his pupils, the way his hand tightened in your hair like he needed somewhere to put the want.
He kissed the next tear from the corner of your eye. âFuck,â he breathed. âYou have no idea what that does to me.â
Your body tightened again.
He noticed.
âYou like that too,â he said, voice rougher now. âYou like knowing I want you like this. Youâre beautiful like this.â
You turned your face away.
His hand caught your chin, firm but gentle, bringing you back. âDonât hide.â
âBucky.â
âYou can like it.â His mouth brushed yours. âYou can like anything you want with me.â
The permission broke something open.
You cried harder then, not sobbing, not sad, just overwhelmed enough that your body had nowhere else to put it. Bucky moved again, slow and deep, kissing your tears as they came. His hand slid into your hair and held you in place, not trapping, anchoring.
âThatâs it,â he murmured. âLet it out. You donât have to hold anything right now.â
You came with a broken sound, clenching around him so hard his rhythm faltered. Pleasure tore through you in waves, sharp and bright and too much, and Bucky held you through all of it, whispering praise against your skin until you stopped shaking.
Only then did he let himself go.
His hips pressed deep, his breath broke against your throat, and he came with a low, wrecked curse that made your body pulse weakly around him all over again. The first pulse of him inside you stole the air from your lungs, a deep, sudden warmth that spread through you from the place where your bodies were joined. Then another followed, and another. Each wave of his release drew another helpless clench from you, your body answering the warmth he spilled deep inside.
It was warm and intimate and almost too close, the kind of sensation that made your thoughts scatter and your fingers dig into his back. He stayed buried deep, hips pressed still, but you could feel the helpless rhythm of his release in the tremors running through him, in every broken sound against your throat, in the way his body seemed to surrender completely into yours.
By the time the last aftershock faded, you were trembling too, soft and dazed beneath his weight, filled with the lingering warmth of him and the quiet, breathless intimacy of what he had given you.
For a moment, he stayed there, careful not to crush you even when his control had clearly splintered. You felt every broken breath, every last tremor, until the room went quiet except for the two of you trying to come back to yourselves.
Then he lifted his head.
You blinked up at him, dazed.
His mouth curved slightly, soft and ruined at the edges.
âWhat?â you whispered.
âNothing.â
âThatâs a smug nothing.â
âIâm still hard.â
You blinked again.
Then you felt it.
He was not lying. His cock was still heavy inside you, not as painfully hard as before, but nowhere near soft. Apparently, the serum had opinions about recovery time. Very enthusiastic opinions.
Your laugh came out startled and breathless. âThatâs obscene.â
His smile deepened. âYou complaining?â
âIâm concerned.â
âYou like being concerned.â
âYou have no evidence.â
âYouâre clenching around me.â
Your face heated. âThat is involuntary.â
âSure.â
âBucky.â
He kissed you, soft and filthy at once. âWeâre not going again until youâve had water and I check youâre okay.â
âThat is deeply unsexy.â
âNo,â he said, easing out of you carefully. âItâs not.â
He was right.
Aftercare should not have turned you on.
It did.
Bucky cleaned you with warm water and careful hands, murmuring check-ins while you lay boneless under the blankets and pretended you were not close to crying again because he had remembered the glass of water on the nightstand. He checked your wrists despite not having held them down, checked your face, checked the part of you that had stretched around him with almost clinical tenderness.
Then he climbed back into bed and pulled you against him.
You went stiff out of habit.
His hand stilled on your back. âSpace?â
You shook your head.
âWords.â
âI donât want space.â
His arm tightened around you. âThen stay.â
So you did.
For a while, he only held you.
Then his hand moved slowly over your back, steady enough that your breathing began to match his.
âWhen you cried,â he said eventually, careful now in a different way, âthat was still okay?â
Your face warmed against his chest. âYes.â
âI know you said green. I wanted to ask after.â
Something in you softened painfully. âIt was okay.â
His hand paused at your spine, then continued. âI liked it.â
You went still.
âNot because you were upset,â he said at once. âNot because I thought you were scared. Because you trusted me enough to let go like that.â His voice lowered. âAnd because once I knew you were green, seeing you cry for me made me want you so badly I almost lost my mind.â
Your body reacted before you could stop it.
Bucky noticed. Of course he did.
His mouth brushed your hair. âNext time, if it happens, Iâm going to tell you.â
You swallowed. âGreen.â
His arm tightened around you.
âThere she is.â
The second time did not happen that night.
Bucky kissed you until you were soft and sleepy, then held you while the cabin settled around you. It was probably the gentlest rejection of your life. It was also maddening, because he was still half-hard against your hip for an amount of time that felt personally insulting.
âYou are a medical marvel,â you muttered into his chest.
His laugh rumbled beneath your cheek. âGo to sleep.â
âYouâre bossy after sex.â
âI was bossy before sex.â
âYou hid it better.â
âNo, you were distracted by my charm.â
âYouâre charming?â
âYou think so.â
âI think youâre smug.â
âYou like that too.â
You bit his shoulder.
He inhaled sharply.
For one second, the room changed again.
Then his hand closed gently over the back of your neck, and his voice dropped. âCareful.â
Your body went warm and loose at once.
Bucky felt it. His mouth brushed your temple. âTomorrow.â
âPromise?â
âYes.â
You slept with his heartbeat under your ear.
In the morning, he kept his promise.
The snow had stopped, and pale light slipped around the edges of the shutters, turning the bedroom gray and soft. You woke slowly, aware first of warmth, then weight, then the steady hand moving over your hip beneath the blanket.
Bucky was awake behind you.
His mouth brushed the back of your neck. âMorning.â
Your body remembered before your brain did.
âMorning,â you whispered.
His hand slid down your stomach, then paused.
âYou sore?â
âA little.â
âBad?â
âNo.â
He kissed your shoulder. âTell me if that changes.â
You nodded, then smiled when his hand stilled.
âYes,â you corrected. âIâll tell you.â
âGood.â
His fingers found you gently, moving over the tender places he had made tender the night before. Your breath hitched. You were sensitive enough that every touch felt magnified, but it did not hurt. It made you melt backward against him, made your thighs part beneath the blankets without him asking.
Bucky made a low sound against your neck.
âSo easy for me this morning,â he murmured.
Your face warmed. âDonât start.â
âI already started.â
His fingers slid into you carefully, one at first, then two. Your body accepted him with a slick, aching ease that made you hide your face in the pillow. He kissed along your shoulder, slow and pleased.
âYou thinking too much?â
âNo.â
âLiar.â
You huffed a laugh that turned into a moan when his thumb found your clit.
âBucky.â
âYeah?â
You swallowed.
He waited.
You hated how much you loved that he waited.
âDaddy,â you whispered.
His whole body went still behind you. Then his arm tightened around your waist, and his mouth pressed hot against the back of your neck.Â
âThere it is,â he said, voice rough enough to make you shiver. âThatâs what I wanted to hear.â
You closed your eyes, embarrassed and aching.
His mouth pressed to your ear. âYou want daddy to make you come?â
A sound broke out of you before you could stop it.
Buckyâs fingers moved deeper.
âWords, sweetheart.â
âYes,â you gasped. âPlease.â
âPlease what?â
âPlease make me come.â
He did.
It took embarrassingly little. You were still raw from the night before, still open in some way that had very little to do with your body. Bucky worked you with patient certainty, his chest pressed to your back, his voice low in your ear, telling you how good you were, how pretty you sounded, how much he liked you soft and needy for him.
When the tears came this time, you did not try to hide them.
Bucky felt the first one slip down your cheek and groaned, low and wrecked, his fingers faltering inside you for half a second before they pressed deeper. âYou crying for me already?â
You nodded, breathless.
His mouth brushed your temple, then your cheek, following the tear like he could not help himself. âGood girl,â he murmured. âDaddy likes seeing you let go.â
You came on his fingers with your face turned into the pillow and his name breaking apart in your mouth.
He held you through it, then rolled you gently onto your back. His eyes moved over your face, taking in the wet lashes, the flushed cheeks, the mouth you could not quite close around your breathing.
He looked wrecked.
âStill green?â he asked.
âGreen.â
âYou want more?â
âYes.â
âHow much?â
Your gaze dropped between your bodies.
He was hard again. Fully. Obscenely. The sight of him in morning light made the logistics feel even more alarming than they had the night before, and your body still responded with an eager, traitorous pulse.
Bucky smiled slowly. âThereâs that face again.â
âShut up.â
âYou want it?â
âYes.â
âSay it properly.â
Your breath trembled. âI want your cock.â
His eyes darkened.
Then, softly, âAnd?â
You knew what he wanted.
You also knew, now, how safe it felt to give it.
âI want your cock, daddy.â
Bucky cursed under his breath and kissed you hard.
He did not make you take him all at once. Even with the night before, even wet and wanting and stretched open by his fingers, he was careful. He used more lube this time, murmuring praise against your mouth as he pushed in slowly, letting your body adjust to every inch.
When he was fully inside, your eyes watered from the fullness alone.
He kissed the tears before they fell.
âSo good,â he whispered. âTaking all of me like you were made for it.â
You clenched around him.
His laugh was low and strained. âYeah, you like that.â
He fucked you slowly at first, then harder when you begged. Morning made it different. Less desperate, maybe, but not less intense. You could see him clearly now, the flush over his chest, the concentration in his face, the way his hair fell forward when his control started to fray. You could see the moment he chose not to hide from wanting you.
That made you cry more than anything.
Bucky kissed the tears from your cheeks and kept going.
âYouâre safe,â he said against your mouth. âIâve got you.â
âI know,â you gasped.
His rhythm faltered.
For one second, he looked as undone by your trust as you were by his hands.
Then he pushed your knees wider and fucked you deep enough that the bed frame struck the wall.
You came again with a sob, clinging to him, your body tightening around him until he followed you over with a broken groan. He came hard, hips pressed tight to yours, his forehead dropping to your shoulder as his whole body shook.
And then, impossibly, he stayed hard.
You made a disbelieving sound.
Bucky lifted his head, breathing heavily, hair falling into his eyes.
âSerum,â he said, as if that explained anything.
You laughed so suddenly that he smiled.
âYouâre ridiculous.â
âYou want me to stop?â
You looked at him.
He was still inside you, still hard, still watching for any sign that you needed distance. You were sore, certainly. Overwhelmed. Half-melted into the mattress. But the weight of him felt good, and the thought of him still wanting you after coming twice made your entire body hum.
âYellow,â you said.
He stopped instantly. âOkay. What do you need?â
You touched his face. âSlow. Not stop. Just slow.â
His expression softened. âYeah?â
âYes.â
He kissed you once, gentle and deep. âThen slow.â
The third time was not fucking so much as rocking together, his body covering yours, his mouth soft at your jaw. You were too sensitive for anything rough, and he seemed to know it without being told twice. He kept the rhythm easy, intimate, almost lazy, letting both of you feel the aftershocks of what had already happened.
When you came again, it was quieter. A trembling wave instead of a breaking storm. Bucky followed with a low groan, hips pressed flush to yours as he came inside you again, filling you so deep that your body clenched around him helplessly. Only then did he finally, finally soften.
You stared at him afterward.
He looked back, exhausted and smug and a little shy beneath both.
âWhat?â he asked.
âYou are not allowed to use your stamina for evil.â
His mouth twitched. âOnly good?â
âMorally gray at most.â
âI can work with that.â
You groaned and covered your face.
Bucky laughed into your neck, then spent the next half hour proving that aftercare was not optional. Water. Warm cloth. A snack from your own emergency pantry, which he took great pleasure in selecting. A careful check-in. A clean shirt. His body curled around yours while the morning brightened beyond the shutters.
Eventually, he said, âYou okay?â
You were quiet for a long moment.
Then you said, âI think Iâm more okay than I know what to do with.â
His arm tightened around you.
âYeah,â he said softly. âThat happens.â
After that, the safehouse changed again.
It did not become easy. Neither of you were easy people. You still snapped when scared, still checked locks, still hated the radio for giving you nothing but static and possibilities. Bucky still woke from nightmares with his breath caught in his throat, still went silent on days when old memories dragged him too far inward, still apologized for things that were not his fault.
But there was a new rhythm now.
Some nights were soft. He held you under the blankets and kissed you until you forgot the weather. Some nights were rougher, after you negotiated what both of you wanted and what both of you could give. He learned how to make your mind go quiet with his voice, how to hold your wrists without making you feel trapped, how to praise you until tears slipped down your face and you stopped being embarrassed by how much he liked kissing them away.
You learned him too.
You learned that Bucky liked being trusted more than he liked being obeyed, though obedience in bed did something very satisfying to his composure. You learned that he went still before he got overwhelmed, that touching the back of his neck helped if you did it slowly, that kissing the scarred seam of his shoulder made him tremble in a way that was not fear when he knew it was coming.
You learned that sometimes dominance, for Bucky, was not about power at all.
It was about choice.
His choice to lead without hurting. Your choice to follow without fear.
That distinction mattered to both of you.
In daylight, you kept surviving.
In darkness, you kept choosing.
In mid-March, the western ridge cleared enough to risk the relay tower.
You and Bucky left before dawn with packs, rifles, and snowshoes, moving under a pale sky streaked with cold blue. The world seemed too bright after weeks of shuttered windows and storm-dark rooms. Snow glittered across the slopes. Pines stood heavy and silent. Somewhere below, HYDRA was still searching the wrong parts of the mountain.
The tower was old, half-buried in ice, but it worked.
Barely.
You patched the line manually while Bucky kept watch. Your fingers went numb twice. The wind cut through every layer you wore. By the time the transmitter gave you a green light, your hands were shaking from cold and adrenaline.
You sent a burst message through three dead relays and a weather satellite Tony had probably forgotten he owned.
Alive. Compromised extraction. HYDRA splinter cell has Avengers protocols. Do not approach standard routes. Awaiting secure retrieval. Coordinates delayed until confirmation phrase.
Then you added the phrase Natasha would recognize.
The tomatoes are not for soup.
Bucky looked over your shoulder. âThe tomatoes are not for soup?â
âSheâll know itâs me.â
âIâm sure thatâll be very comforting.â
âShe once criticized my emergency pantry organization for twenty minutes. This is personal.â
The response came six hours later.
It arrived while you were making bread and Bucky was repairing the coffee table leg he had crushed during his first nightmare. The radio crackled once, then twice.
A coded signal printed across the receiver.
Confirmed. Stark offended by satellite theft. Rogers furious. Wilson says you owe him $50 because he told everyone you had a secret bunker. Tomatoes are always for soup. Hold position. Extraction in seventy-two hours via nonstandard route.
You read it three times.
Bucky stood behind you, silent.
The cabin seemed to shift around you. Same walls. Same stove. Same pantry. Same bed. But the outside world had found its way in, and with it came the end of something neither of you had named.
âTheyâre coming,â Bucky said.
âYes.â
âYou okay?â
The question was too simple for the answer.
You looked down at the message. Steve furious. Sam joking. Natasha knowing exactly how to reach the softest part of you and refusing to be gentle about it. The team had kept looking. Of course they had. You had known that.
Believing it still hurt.
âI donât know,â you said.
Buckyâs hand settled at the back of your neck. Warm. Steady.
You leaned into it.
Three days later, the Quinjet arrived under the cover of heavy fog.
It did not land near the cabin. Natasha was too good for that. It touched down on a flat shelf two miles east, beyond a line of rock that shielded the approach from the lower valley. You and Bucky watched it descend through the gray morning like a ghost.
You had already packed.
That had been harder than expected.
Not the weapons or the medical kit or the recovered HYDRA case. Those were easy. Practical things always were. The hard part was the mug Bucky had started using without asking. The romance novel he had left facedown on the arm of the couch. The dent in the bedroom wall he had repaired but not fully hidden. The second pillow that had stopped feeling like an intrusion.
Bucky stood beside you in the main room while the jetâs low hum vibrated faintly through the mountain.
âYou coming back?â he asked.
You looked at him.
He did not mean the safehouse.
Not only the safehouse.
Your throat tightened. âAre you?â
His expression softened in that quiet, devastating way of his.
âYeah,â he said. âIf you let me.â
You wanted to make a joke. You wanted to call him presumptuous, sentimental, ridiculous. You wanted to retreat into the easy sharpness that had kept you alive for so long.
Instead, you reached into your shirt and pulled the spare key from the chain around your neck.
Bucky went very still.
You held it out to him.
For a second, he did not take it. He looked at the key, then at you, as if he understood exactly what it cost.
âYou sure?â he asked.
No one had ever asked that before taking something from you.
That was why you could give it to him.
âYes,â you said.
Bucky took the key carefully, fingers closing around it as if it were something fragile.
Then he tucked it beneath his shirt, against his chest.
You looked away before the sight could undo you.
âDonât get emotional,â you said.
His mouth curved. âMe?â
âYouâre very sensitive.â
âYou cried on my dick.â
You whipped your head toward him. âJames Buchanan Barnes.â
His grin was immediate, wicked, and so pleased with itself that you almost forgot the cold waiting outside.
âThere she is,â he said.
âYou are no longer invited back.â
âThatâs not what the key says.â
âI can change the locks.â
âI can pick locks.â
âI have alarms.â
âI have a super-soldier serum and abandonment issues.â
You stared at him.
Then you laughed.
The sound followed you out of the safehouse and into the snow.
Sam saw it first.
Of course he did.
He was waiting at the open ramp of the Quinjet with Steve and Natasha behind him, all three of them armed, exhausted, and visibly trying not to look as relieved as they were. Steve looked like he had aged five years in four months. Natasha looked calm except for the part where her eyes moved over you from head to toe twice in under a second. Sam looked between you and Bucky, then at the way Buckyâs hand hovered near your back without touching until you shifted closer.
His eyebrows went up.
You pointed at him. âDonât.â
Samâs mouth opened.
âWilson,â Bucky warned.
Sam closed his mouth.
For about three seconds.
Then he said, âSecret bunker, huh?â
âSafehouse,â you said.
âAbandonment bunker,â Bucky corrected under his breath.
You elbowed him.
Steve blinked.
Natashaâs eyes narrowed with immediate interest.
Samâs grin spread slowly, bright and terrible. âIâm sorry. Did the Winter Soldier just make a joke about your emotional support bunker?â
âI will throw you off this mountain,â you said.
âSee, normally Iâd believe you, but your boyfriend looks like heâd catch me.â
The silence that followed was sharp enough to cut wire.
Steve looked at Bucky.
Natasha looked at you.
Sam looked delighted with himself.
Bucky, traitorous and calm, said, âOnly if she asked.â
You closed your eyes. âI hate all of you.â
Natasha stepped forward and pulled you into a hug.
You froze.
She held on anyway, not tightly enough to trap, just firmly enough to make the point. After a second, your hands lifted and settled awkwardly against her back.
âTomatoes are for soup,â she said near your ear.
Your eyes stung.
âYouâre wrong,â you muttered.
âI usually am not.â
âYou are this time.â
She pulled back, looked at your face, and smiled the faintest smile. âGood to have you back.â
You swallowed. âGood to be back.â
Steve hugged Bucky next, hard and silent. Bucky closed his eyes for a moment over Steveâs shoulder, and you looked away because some things were not yours to watch too closely.
Sam clapped Bucky on the back after Steve released him. âMan, you had us worried.â
Bucky gave him a dry look. âYou missed me.â
âI missed having someone around who makes worse life choices than me.â
âThatâs fair.â
Tonyâs voice crackled over the Quinjet speakers. âFor the record, I am still offended about the satellite theft.â
You stepped onto the ramp. âFor the record, your satellite had terrible security.â
âIt was a weather satellite.â
âIts weather was insecure.â
âThat sentence hurts me.â
âGood.â
Sam leaned toward Bucky as you passed him. âShe always this mean after being rescued?â
Buckyâs eyes followed you into the jet.
His mouth softened.
âSheâs being nice,â he said.
Natasha looked at him.
Then at you.
Then, very wisely, said nothing.
The compound felt too large when you returned. Too bright. Too populated. Too full of people who wanted answers and medical scans and debriefings and proof that both of you were alive in ways that could be filed properly. You gave them what they needed. Mostly. The HYDRA tech. The compromised protocols. The rough coordinates of enemy movements. The names you had pulled from captured gear. The report, clean and cold and stripped of anything that mattered.
You did not give them the safehouse coordinates.
No one asked.
That was probably Natashaâs doing.
The first night back, you stood in your room at the compound and stared at the bed.
It was bigger than the one in the cabin. Softer. Cleaner. There were no shutters over the windows. No stove cooling in the next room. No pantry shelves. No wind screaming against the walls. No Bucky breathing beside you, steady and warm and close enough to remind your body that the world had not emptied while you slept.
You lasted forty-two minutes.
Then there was a knock at your door.
You opened it with a knife in your hand.
Bucky stood in the hallway wearing sweatpants, a black shirt, and an expression that told you he had expected the knife.
âCouldnât sleep?â he asked.
You lowered the blade. âI was about to.â
âNo, you werenât.â
âYou donât know that.â
âYouâre wearing boots.â
You looked down.
Damn.
Bucky leaned one shoulder against the doorframe. âCan I come in?â
The question warmed you. Still. Every time.
You stepped aside.
He entered slowly, giving you room to change your mind even now. You closed the door behind him, locked it, then locked the second bolt you had installed without telling anyone. Bucky noticed. He did not comment.
He only crossed to the bed and sat on the edge.
âYou okay?â he asked.
You leaned back against the door. âIâm fine.â
His brows lifted.
You sighed. âIâm not sleeping.â
âYeah.â
âYou?â
âSame.â
The room was quiet for a moment.
Then you said, âThe bedâs bigger.â
His mouth twitched. âNoticed that.â
âSo thereâs plenty of room.â
âSure.â
âYou can sleep on the far side.â
âI can.â
âYou donât have to touch me.â
âI know.â
You glared at him. âStop being agreeable.â
He smiled then, small and soft and all yours.
âCome here,â he said.
There it was.
The voice.
Your body loosened before your pride could object.
You crossed the room and stood between his knees. He put his hands on your hips, not pulling, only holding.
âColor?â he asked.
âGreen.â
His eyes warmed.
âThen get in bed, sweetheart.â
You did.
Bucky climbed in behind you and pulled you back against his chest. His arm settled around your waist, heavy and familiar. For the first time since leaving the mountain, your body believed it could rest.
Just before sleep took you, you felt his mouth brush your shoulder.
âWe can go back,â he murmured.
You closed your eyes.
âTo the safehouse?â
âWhenever you want.â
Your hand settled over his.
For once, the promise did not feel like a threat.
âAutumn,â you said.
His breath warmed your neck. âAutumn.â
And outside, beyond the compound walls, beyond the city, beyond every lock you had ever built to survive being left, winter finally began to loosen its hold.
credit to @uzmacchiato for the cherry divider and @saradika-graphics for the Winter Soldier divider
Summary:
After a mission goes wrong, you and Bucky Barnes are forced to hide out in your remote mountain safehouse for the winter.Â
There is one bed, too much snow, and far too many things neither of you knows how to say.Â
Authorâs Note:
listen. bucky barnes in a remote cabin with one bed and enough emotional baggage to heat the whole mountain. thatâs it. thatâs the thought.
bucky was my first blorbo and has been my blorbo for sooo long so i couldn't resist writing for him. this has been the longest fic i have written (17.9k words total!!) so i hope it doesn't flop lol
also had to split this fic into two because it was too long. enjoy!
[Part 2]
The mission went bad in the kind of way that made Tonyâs voice go very quiet over comms. That was usually the first sign. Tony joked when things were inconvenient, insulted people when they were difficult, and became aggressively flippant when the situation edged toward catastrophic. Silence meant he was doing math too quickly for language. Quiet meant the numbers were ugly.
âExtraction point two is compromised,â Natasha said.
You crouched behind the broken shell of an overturned transport truck, snow blowing sideways across the road hard enough to sting the exposed strip of skin between your mask and collar. Fifty yards ahead, the HYDRA convoy burned in pieces along the mountain pass, black smoke torn apart by the wind before it could rise. The medical tech you had been sent to recover was secured in the case at your feet, but the mission had stopped being about recovery twenty minutes ago.
Now it was about getting out alive.
âDefine compromised,â Sam said over comms.
A missile struck the ridge above extraction point two before Natasha could answer. The mountain answered with a low, terrible groan. Snow broke loose in a white sheet, swallowing the tree line, the road, and two HYDRA vehicles stupid enough to be parked below it. The blast wave rolled over the pass a few seconds later, rattling your teeth and showering your position with ice.
Sam swore.
âDefined,â Natasha said.
Bucky landed beside you a moment later, metal hand skidding over the hood of the transport truck as he dropped into cover. His hair was damp with melted snow, his tactical jacket torn at the shoulder, and there was blood on the left side of his face that probably was not his. He looked at the case by your feet, then at the ridge, then at you.
âTell me you have a worse idea than going downhill,â he said.
You checked the magazine in your rifle. âThat depends. Do you consider stealing from HYDRA morally or emotionally restorative?â
His mouth twitched. âBoth.â
âThen yes.â
A bullet hit the truck hard enough to punch through the metal above your head. Bucky shifted instantly, putting his body between you and the incoming fire before you could tell him not to. It was not dramatic. That was the problem with him. He protected people the way other men breathed, with no announcement and no expectation of gratitude.
You elbowed him in the ribs anyway. âIâm wearing armor.â
âYouâre also breakable.â
âAnd yet charming.â
âDidnât say that.â
âYou thought it.â
He glanced at you, eyes sharp despite the storm. âLoudly?â
âDeafeningly, Barnes.â
Another burst of gunfire tore through the truck. Bucky leaned out, fired three shots, and dropped two men with the kind of clean precision that made the Winter Soldier files look less like old history and more like a warning label everyone had chosen to ignore.
Then he ducked back down and said, âYouâre bleeding.â
You looked at your arm. There was a shallow cut through the fabric near your bicep, dark blood already freezing at the edges. âYou interrupted my charm to criticize my blood volume?â
âJust observing.â
âYou observe too much.â
âOnly when Iâm worried.â
The words were too steady to be a joke.
For half a second, the storm seemed to mute itself around you.
Then Steveâs voice cut through the comms, strained and distant. âAll teams, fall back to extraction three. Repeat, extraction three.â
You and Bucky looked at each other.
You both knew before Tony said it.
âCap,â Tony said, quiet again, âthey already have three.â
Static cracked across the line.
Then the comms died.
Not faded. Not weakened.
Died.
You stared at the silent earpiece, then ripped it out and shoved it into your pocket. Bucky did the same. Neither of you spoke for a second. Above you, the sky had gone white with worsening snow. Below you, HYDRA was moving up the road in tactical pairs, too organized for panic, too prepared for this to be improvisation.
âThey had our fallback routes,â Bucky said.
âYes.â
âThey knew the order.â
âYes.â
His jaw tightened. âInside intel.â
âOr hacked protocols.â
âEither way, we canât go where they expect.â
âNo.â
A smile pulled at your mouth despite the cold, danger, and blood loss. It was not a happy smile. You had never been very good at those in the field. This one was sharper and older, the kind of expression that made Clint once tell you that you looked like you were about to make a morally flexible decision.
Bucky noticed.
His eyes narrowed. âWhat?â
âI have a place.â
âAn Avengers place?â
âNo.â
âA legal place?â
âDefine legal.â
âDoll.â
The nickname slipped out low and exasperated, almost lost beneath the wind.
You hated that it warmed you.
You lifted the case strap over your shoulder and checked the road behind you. âWe need one of their snowcats.â
Bucky looked over the side of the truck. A HYDRA snowcat was parked near the bend, engine running, guarded by three armed men and half-hidden behind a wall of blowing snow.
He looked back at you. âThat one?â
âYou see another?â
âNo.â
âYou scared?â
His face went very still.
For one second, you thought you had misstepped. Bucky Barnes was not a man people teased easily, not because he lacked humor, but because most people did not know where the old bruises were. You usually did. That was the strange part. You had known almost from the beginning, as if the shape of his silence had taught you the boundaries before either of you had named them.
Then his eyes flicked over your face, and something like amusement moved beneath the exhaustion.
âOf you driving?â he said. âA little.â
You grinned.
He shook his head once, almost fond. âYouâre a menace.â
âAnd youâre about to help me commit grand theft snowcat.â
âThat a real charge?â
âIt will be once Tony hears about it.â
Bucky leaned out of cover and fired. The first guard dropped. You moved before the second hit the ground.
The run to the snowcat was a blur of snow, gunfire, and the hard burn of cold air in your lungs. You were fast, but you were still human. That mattered more in weather like this, when every step punched through powder and the wind tried to shove you sideways off the road. Bucky moved like something heavier than the storm. Not untouched by it, because he was not invincible, but altered by the serum enough that the mountain seemed to negotiate with him differently.
He reached the third guard before the man could turn his rifle toward you. Metal flashed. The rifle broke in two. Bucky drove his elbow into the manâs jaw with enough force to drop him instantly, then turned back to cover you as you reached the snowcat door.
âYou know how to drive this?â he asked.
You yanked the door open and threw the case inside. âI know how to drive everything.â
âThatâs not a yes.â
âItâs an Avenger yes.â
âThat makes it worse.â
You climbed in, found the ignition panel, and jammed your knife under the casing. The wires sparked once. Bucky hauled himself into the passenger seat just as bullets struck the rear panel, and the whole vehicle lurched when you crossed the right leads.
The engine roared.
âSee?â you said. âEverythingâs fine.â
Bucky grabbed the dashboard as you sent the snowcat fishtailing hard across the road and through the gap between two burning vehicles.
âFine is doing a lot of work there.â
âYou complain more than I expected for a man from the forties.â
âYou drive worse than I expected for a woman with control issues.â
You shot him a look.
He looked back, expression almost innocent.
Almost.
Then something slammed into the rear of the snowcat, and the windshield cracked in a spiderweb pattern across Buckyâs side.
âHold on,â you snapped.
âI am holding on.â
âBetter.â
You took the snowcat off the road.
For several minutes, the world became white violence and gravity. The vehicle groaned over buried rock and fallen branches, treads grinding through snow deep enough to bury the lower panels. You drove by memory, instinct, and the hard-copy map of the mountain you had spent years pretending you did not need. HYDRA followed for the first mile. Then the storm thickened, the terrain worsened, and the last pursuing engine faded behind you.
Bucky was quiet for too long.
You glanced at him and saw his hand pressed against his lower side. Blood had soaked through his jacket beneath the armor plating, dark and steady.
Your stomach dropped. âYouâre hit.â
âItâs nothing.â
âYou are the worst patient on the planet.â
âI heal fast.â
âYou also bleed first.â
His eyes moved to yours, and for a moment, the banter stripped away. Beneath it was pain, yes, but also something steadier. Trust, maybe. That was inconvenient.
âIâm okay,â he said.
âYou donât know that.â
âI know enough.â
You wanted to snap at him. You wanted to tell him that accelerated healing did not mean he was healed, that the serum did not make him magic, that he was still a body full of nerves and blood and scar tissue, even if he could survive more damage than anyone else on the team. Instead, you gripped the wheel harder and kept driving into the storm.
âPress harder,â you said.
He obeyed without argument, which told you more than the blood did.
The safehouse was another forty minutes up the mountain.
It took nearly two hours.
By the time the cabin came into view, the snowcat was limping on a damaged tread, and you had lost feeling in two fingers. The storm had erased the trail behind you as quickly as you made it. The sky was dark now, though it could not have been later than afternoon. Winter in the mountains did that. It collapsed time until there was only cold, white, and the next five feet in front of you.
Bucky lifted his head when the cabin appeared between the trees.
From the outside, it looked like a forgotten ranger station, half-buried in snow, with weathered logs and a porch sagging under ice. No lights showed in the windows. No smoke rose from the chimney. It looked abandoned.
That was the point.
âThis yours?â he asked.
âNo.â
He gave you a look.
You killed the engine. âFine. Yes.â
âDoes anyone know about it?â
âNo.â
âAnyone?â
âNo.â
âNot even Romanoff?â
âEspecially not Romanoff.â
His mouth twitched, though his face was pale. âShe know you think she doesnât know?â
âShe suspects. Thatâs different.â
âItâs really not.â
You opened your door and nearly lost it to the wind. âStay there.â
Bucky looked offended. âI can walk.â
âYou can also bleed internally, but Iâm not encouraging that either.â
It was quiet, rough with pain, and gone quickly, but it hit you in the chest all the same. Bucky did not laugh often at the compound. Not like that. With Sam, he snorted. With Steve, he smiled like the past had put a hand on his shoulder. With you, sometimes, he laughed before he could stop himself.
The team had noticed.
No one had said anything because the team liked having all their bones intact.
You stepped out into the snow and came around to his side. He had already opened the door because of course he had. The second his boot hit the ground, his knee dipped. You caught him under the arm before he could recover.
His whole body went rigid.
So did yours.
For one suspended second, the storm moved around you while neither of you breathed. His weight was warm and heavy against your side. Your hand was braced against his back. You felt the reaction in him before he forced it down: the old animal recoil from unexpected touch, the reflexive inventory of threat, restraint, escape.
You started to let go.
His right hand closed lightly around your sleeve.
âDonât,â he said.
Not a command. Not quite a request.
You adjusted your grip without looking at him. âThen stop trying to collapse politely.â
âDidnât want to ruin the mood.â
âWhat mood?â
âThe one where you pretend youâre not worried.â
You looked up at him.
Snow clung to his lashes. His mouth was pale with cold. Blood was still seeping beneath his fingers.
You hated him a little for seeing you so clearly.
âYouâre delirious,â you said.
âProbably.â
âGood. That means I can ignore you.â
âYou always do.â
âThat is objectively untrue. I listen to at least forty percent of what you say.â
âGenerous.â
âIâm known for my charity.â
He leaned more of his weight on you then. Not all of it. Bucky was too stubborn and too enhanced for that, even wounded. But enough that you knew he trusted you not to treat the need like weakness.
That warmed you more dangerously than any fire could have.
You got him inside.
The cabinâs first room was a lie: old hooks, dusty shelves, cracked linoleum, a rusted stove that had not worked in years. You locked the outer door, then crossed to the far wall and pressed your thumb against a knot in the wood paneling. Something clicked behind the structure. A second door opened inward, steel beneath pine, hidden so cleanly even Buckyâs eyebrows rose.
âParanoid,â he said.
âPrepared.â
âThereâs a difference?â
âParanoid is when nothing happens. Prepared is when youâre right.â
He looked at the blood on his hand, then at the steel door.
âPrepared,â he conceded.
âThank you.â
âI didnât say it was healthy.â
âI didnât ask.â
The real safehouse was warm only in potential, but even cold, it had the solid security of a place built by someone who had imagined every possible failure and given each one a shelf, lock, or backup switch. You entered the code with your body blocking the keypad, then reset the alarm grid, engaged the shutter locks, and kicked the generator into full power.
Lights flickered on.
Bucky stood in the main room and took it all in.
The woodstove. The radio station. The reinforced shutters. The weapons locker hidden behind the false bookcase. The medical cabinet. The pantry visible through the kitchen doorway, with its rows of labeled cans, sealed grains, flour, spices, oils, dried pasta, and emergency chocolate, all sorted by expiration date. The chest freezer hummed quietly in the corner, packed with meat and vegetables wrapped in butcher paper.
He went very still.
You knew what he saw because you saw it too, every time you came here after pretending for months at the compound that you were normal about having a bedroom with no lock on the outside.
A safehouse like this was not built by someone who trusted rescue.
It was built by someone who expected to survive alone.
Bucky did not say that.
Instead, after a moment, he looked at the pantry and said, âEmergency emotional support trail mix?â
You blinked.
Then you remembered the labeled jar in your compound locker. The one he had apparently noticed.
Your mouth twitched despite yourself. âSecond shelf on the left.â
His gaze softened.
It was small. Barely there. But he was always careful with you in ways he did not bother being with anyone else, and the worst part was that you had started being careful back.
You dropped the med kit on the kitchen table. âSit down, Barnes.â
He looked at the chair, then at you. âYou going to boss me around the whole time?â
âYes.â
âGood.â
That word did something inconvenient to your pulse.
Buckyâs mouth curved like he heard it.
You pointed at the chair. âDo not make me regret saving your life.â
He sat, still watching you with that faint, exhausted amusement.
âYou didnât save my life,â he said.
You slipped the rifle strap off your shoulder and set the rifle aside. âIâm about to dig a bullet out of you in a cabin no one knows exists while a blizzard buries the mountain and HYDRA hunts us with stolen Avengers protocols. Iâm absolutely saving your life.â
His eyes stayed on yours.
âOkay,â he said. âThen thank you.â
It was too direct.
You turned away first.
âShirt off,â you said, pulling on gloves.
The amusement returned, quieter now. âTrying to get me naked already?â
âYouâve lost a lot of blood. Iâll forgive the optimism.â
âDidnât hear a no.â
You looked at him over your shoulder.
Bucky was pale, injured, and sitting in your kitchen with one hand pressed against a bullet wound, but his eyes were bright with something that looked dangerously like flirtation.
It should have been ridiculous.
Instead, it made you think of every briefing room where he had stood silent beside you, every mission where he had covered your six without being asked, every morning in the compound kitchen when he wordlessly put your preferred mug beside the coffee maker before leaving everyone else to fend for themselves.
You pulled the med tray closer. âYouâre very confident for someone Iâm about to stab with forceps.â
His smile deepened.
âOnly with you.â
That was unfair.
So you pretended you had not heard it.
The bullet came out clean.
Mostly.
Bucky sat through the procedure with the kind of stillness that made your teeth ache. People thought the Winter Soldierâs silence meant he did not feel pain. They were wrong. You had seen the way his jaw tightened when the forceps went too deep, the faint tremor in his human hand when the wound was flushed, the way his breathing turned deliberate once pain started pressing at his ribs.
The serum helped. You knew that. His modified super-soldier physiology meant faster clotting, accelerated tissue repair, greater tolerance for blood loss, and a recovery timeline that made ordinary medical charts look like decorative pieces. It did not make him untouched.
It did not make him less human.
âYellow?â you asked when his hand clenched around the edge of the table.
His eyes flicked to yours.
There was a pause, small enough that most people would have missed it.
Then he said, âNot yellow.â
You nodded and kept working.
The first time you had used the color system with him had been during a training exercise at the compound when Tonyâs new restraint foam had malfunctioned and pinned Buckyâs left arm to the floor. Everyone else had been shouting. Tony had been apologizing at the speed of light. Steve had looked like he was three seconds from tearing the entire room apart with his bare hands.
You had crouched in front of Bucky, held his gaze, and said, âColor?â
The room had gone quiet.
Bucky had stared at you with his chest heaving and his eyes too far away.
Then, through gritted teeth, he had said, âYellow.â
You had told everyone to shut up, made Tony slow the release of the solvent, and stayed where Bucky could see you until the foam dissolved.
Afterward, Sam had looked at you in the kitchen and said, very carefully, âYou two always do that?â
You had said, âDo what?â
Sam had looked at the mug of coffee you were making exactly the way Bucky liked it and decided, with rare wisdom, to leave the question alone.
Now, in your safehouse kitchen, Bucky watched you stitch his side with that same old focus.
âYou okay?â he asked.
You glanced up. âIâm not the one with a hole in me.â
âYou got quiet.â
âIâm concentrating.â
âYou concentrate louder than this.â
âThat sentence makes no sense.â
âIt does to me.â
You tied off the last stitch and cut the thread. âThat sounds like a personal problem.â
His mouth curved. âThere you are.â
You pressed gauze over the wound a little harder than necessary.
He huffed a pained laugh. âMean.â
âAnnoying.â
âBossy.â
âBleeding on my table.â
âYour table seems sturdy.â
âMy table is rethinking its standards.â
Bucky watched you tape down the bandage. âYou always like this with the team?â
âWith the team, I am a delight.â
âYou told Stark his personality was a workplace hazard.â
âIt is.â
âYou told Steve his moral authority had a volume problem.â
âIt does.â
âYou told Samââ
âSam deserved it.â
âI hadnât even said what.â
âHe usually does.â
Bucky laughed again, softer this time. The sound settled into the quiet places of the cabin like the first real warmth of the night.
You stepped back. âThere. Try not to tear it open doing something stupid.â
âYou saying I do stupid things?â
âIâm saying you do heroic things and pretend thereâs a difference.â
His expression flickered.
Too close, then.
You cleaned the instruments and turned toward the sink. âBathroom is down the hall. Shower if you can stand without face-planting. Clothes in the bedroom closet. Menâs sizes too.â
Buckyâs gaze moved to you. âWhy?â
âBecause sometimes I need disguises.â
âYou keep menâs clothes for disguises?â
âI keep everything for everything.â
He was quiet for a moment.
You knew what was coming before he said it.
âYou were ready to disappear.â
The sink water ran cold over your gloved hands.
You shut it off. âYou need to clean up before the bandage sets weird.â
âDollââ
âDonât.â
The word came out sharper than you intended.
Bucky stopped.
You looked at the sink instead of him. âDonât call me that when youâre about to say something perceptive.â
Silence.
Then, quietly, âOkay.â
That was worse, somehow.
The first night, you offered him the bed because he had been shot and because even with accelerated healing, his body needed rest. He refused because of course he did. Bucky Barnes had survived nearly a century of war, torture, brainwashing, cryostasis, and government oversight, only to be defeated by the possibility of accepting reasonable accommodations.
âYouâre sleeping in the bed,â you said.
He stood beside the couch with a blanket in his hand. âNo.â
âExcellent argument. I see why Steve values your input.â
âYou sleep in the bed.â
âItâs my safehouse.â
âExactly.â
âSo I decide who sleeps where.â
âGreat. You sleep in the bed.â
You stared at him.
He stared back.
For a man who spent most of his time avoiding attention, Bucky could become immovable with truly irritating speed. It was not the Winter Soldier in him, not really. It was Brooklyn stubbornness layered beneath trauma and guilt and whatever terrible masculine code had convinced him that comfort was something other people deserved first.
âYou have stitches,â you said.
âTheyâll hold.â
âYou donât know that.â
âYou did them.â
That stopped you.
Bucky looked almost pleased with himself.
You narrowed your eyes. âThat was manipulative.â
âThat was trust.â
âWorse.â
His expression softened at the edges.
You hated how good he was at that. Being sharp enough to meet your bite, then gentle enough to make you feel like you had bitten something unarmored.
âCouch,â he said.
âYouâre too tall for the couch.â
âIâll survive.â
âThatâs not the goal.â
His gaze returned to yours.
The words had escaped before you could make them casual. For a second, they sat between you with all the dangerous tenderness you had not intended to show.
Then Bucky nodded once.
âI know,â he said.
You fled into practicality because it had never betrayed you.
âFine. Bleed on my couch. See if I care.â
âI wonât bleed on your couch.â
âYouâd better not. I like that couch more than most people.â
âMore than me?â
You were already halfway to the bedroom when he said it.
You stopped.
Buckyâs voice had been dry, almost playful, but there was something under it. Something that made the air feel thinner.
You turned back just enough to look at him. âYouâre growing on me.â
His face changed.
Barely.
Enough.
You closed the bedroom door before either of you could make it worse.
At 3:41 in the morning, you woke to the sound of a man choking on a scream.
You were out of bed before you were fully conscious, knife in hand, heart slamming hard enough to bruise. The bedroom was dark. The safehouse was silent except for the wind scraping tree branches along the roof and the low orange glow of the woodstove bleeding through the open crack beneath the door.
You opened the door slowly.
Bucky was on the floor beside the couch.
He had fallen or thrown himself there, tangled in the blanket, one hand braced against the floor and the other clamped hard over his bandaged side. His chest rose and fell too fast. His metal fingers had crushed the leg of the coffee table, bending it inward like wire. His eyes were open, but they were not seeing the room.
You set the knife down on the nearest shelf before you spoke.
âBucky.â
His head snapped toward you.
You stayed several feet away. âItâs me. Youâre in the safehouse. Mountain cabin. Blizzard outside. You were shot, but I fixed it because Iâm extremely talented and very annoying. Nobodyâs here except us.â
His breathing scraped through the dark.
You kept your voice even. âYou with me?â
For a few seconds, nothing changed.
Then he blinked. His face shifted as the nightmare released him piece by piece, leaving him pale, damp-haired, and ashamed on your floor.
âYeah,â he rasped.
âDo you know where you are?â
âCabin.â
âDo you know who I am?â
His throat moved. âYou.â
âThatâs specific.â
His laugh sounded broken. âSorry.â
âYou apologize too much.â
âSorry.â
You lifted an eyebrow.
This time, the laugh came closer to real, though it faded quickly. He looked down at the crushed coffee table with visible shame, and something in you twisted in recognition. You knew that look. The old disgust. The fear of what your body could do before your mind had fully returned to it.
âIâll fix it,â he said.
âIt was ugly anyway.â
His eyes flicked up.
You walked to the stove and fed it another log, slow enough not to startle him. Then you sat on the floor across from him, leaving space between your knees and his.
âYou donât have to do that,â he said.
âI know.â
âYou should sleep.â
âSo should you.â
He looked away.
The storm filled the silence.
After a while, he said, âSometimes I wake up and I donât know if Iâm out.â
You rested your forearms on your knees. âOut of HYDRA?â
âOut of the chair. Out of the ice. Out of the room.â His voice stayed quiet, but each word seemed dragged through something jagged. âDepends on the dream.â
You did not say you were sorry. People said sorry when they did not know what to do with pain that could not be fixed, and he had probably had enough pity to last several lifetimes.
Instead, you said, âThat sounds like hell.â
His mouth tightened. âYeah.â
You looked at the shutters. âWhen I was a kid, I used to sleep with my shoes on.â
Bucky went very still.
You had not meant to say it.
Maybe the safehouse made confession easier. Maybe the storm did. Maybe it was him sitting on the floor looking like the war was still happening behind his eyes, and maybe some stupid part of you wanted him to know he was not the only person whose body kept old score.
âMy father left twice,â you said, staring at the stove because eye contact would make it impossible. âFirst time for three days. Second time for good. My mother wasnât much better at staying. After a while, I stopped unpacking. Slept with shoes on. Kept cash in a sock under my mattress. Stole canned food from the kitchen and hid it in my closet because I thought if everyone left, Iâd still be able to eat.â
The words made the cabin feel too small.
Bucky did not interrupt.
You picked at a loose thread on your sleeve. âTurns out if you give a girl abandonment issues and tactical training, she grows up to build apocalypse pantries in the mountains.â
His voice was gentle when he answered. âMakes sense to me.â
You hated that.
You hated the way it made your throat close, the way he did not laugh or tell you it was sad or try to reassure you with something broad and useless. He only accepted the truth as if it had weight and shape.
âDonât make that face,â you said.
âWhat face?â
âThe one where you understand me.â
His mouth curved faintly. âWant me to misunderstand?â
âIt would be more convenient.â
âYeah,â he said. âI bet.â
You stayed on the floor until the worst of the nightmare left his face. Eventually, he got back onto the couch with careful movements, hand pressed lightly to the bandage at his side. You watched him settle beneath the blanket, too large for the couch, too stubborn to admit discomfort.
When you returned to the bedroom, you left the door open.
Neither of you mentioned it in the morning.
The blizzard lasted nine days.
By the end of the first week, the safehouse had become a world with a rhythm. Bucky chopped wood from the covered stack outside once his wound closed enough that you stopped threatening to tie him to a chair. You checked the perimeter sensors, radio frequencies, and generator. He cleaned weapons at the kitchen table. You cooked because the kitchen was yours and because feeding someone was easier than admitting you liked watching him eat.
He was polite about it at first, almost painfully so.
Then he tasted the pasta sauce you made with canned tomatoes, garlic, red pepper flakes, dried basil, and a little sugar, and his entire expression changed.
You pointed your fork at him. âDo not look surprised.â
He swallowed. âIâm not.â
âYou thought I only ate protein bars and vengeance.â
âIâve seen your locker at the compound.â
âThat was one time.â
âYou labeled trail mix as âemergency emotional support.ââ
âAnd I stand by that.â
He smiled into his bowl, and you had to look away.
The one bed became unavoidable on the tenth night.
The generator had been sputtering all afternoon, and by evening, the backup system switched into conservation mode. Heat dropped first in the outer rooms. Frost gathered in the mudroom. The main room stayed livable because of the stove, but the bedroom was the warmest, tucked deep into the reinforced back section of the cabin where the mountain itself insulated the walls.
Bucky stood in the bedroom doorway and looked at the bed as if it were a tactical problem.
It was not a small bed, exactly, but it was not large enough for strangers. A full mattress. Heavy blankets. Flannel sheets. Two pillows. One knife already beneath yours.
âIâll take the couch,â he said.
âYouâll freeze.â
âI wonât freeze.â
âFine. Youâll be very stoic and mildly hypothermic.â
His brows lifted. âMildly?â
âIâm being optimistic.â
âIâve slept in worse.â
Your hand tightened around the blanket you had been folding. âThat doesnât mean you have to now.â
He looked at you then.
The room went still.
You hated when he did that, when he saw past the shape of your argument to the wound under it. You were not being kind. You were being practical. He was injured. The main room would get cold. He needed rest. That was all.
That was not all.
Bucky seemed to know it, but he did not call you on the lie.
Instead, he said, âAre you okay with it?â
The question was careful. Not hesitant. Not embarrassed. Careful in the way a man became when he understood that closeness could be loaded.
You looked at the bed, then at him.
âAre you?â
âYes.â
âThen yes.â
He nodded once. âOkay.â
You changed in the bathroom. He changed in the bedroom. When you came out in thermal pants and an oversized shirt, he was already under the covers on the far side of the mattress, lying stiffly on his back like he had been arranged there by a funeral director.
âYou look comfortable,â you said.
âShut up.â
A laugh slipped out of you, soft and unplanned.
His eyes warmed.
You climbed into bed with your back to him and enough space between your bodies to preserve the fiction that this was not intimate. For a while, neither of you moved. The wind pressed hard against the cabin. The blankets trapped heat. You could hear Bucky breathing behind you, too steady to be asleep.
After twenty minutes, he said, âYou always sleep with a knife under your pillow?â
âYes.â
âOkay.â
You frowned into the dark. âThatâs it?â
âWas there supposed to be more?â
Most people would have made it about themselves. They would have asked whether you thought they were dangerous, whether you trusted them, whether the knife was necessary. They would have turned your fear into their injury.
Bucky only shifted slightly, giving you easier access to your pillow.
Your throat tightened.
âYou always sleep like youâre waiting for someone to drag you out of bed?â you asked.
âYes.â
âOkay.â
Silence.
Then, barely audible, he said, âThatâs it?â
âWas there supposed to be more?â
His exhale was slow, and something in it sounded like relief.
You slept better than you expected.
After that, the bed became part of the routine.
You both pretended it did not matter. You lay on your side. He lay on his. You kept space between you, a narrow strip of untouched mattress that somehow felt more intimate than contact. Sometimes you woke from your own dreams with your heart racing and found him awake beside you, silent and present. Sometimes he woke from his nightmares with a strangled breath, and you talked him back to the cabin without touching unless he asked.
The first time he did ask, it was not with words.
He woke hard, body twisting away from something that was not there, and you said his name into the dark. His hand shot out, not grabbing, just reaching. You placed your fingers against his wrist.
âCabin,â you said softly. âSnow. Me.â
His pulse hammered beneath your touch.
He turned his hand palm up.
You slid your fingers into his.
For a while, you stayed like that. Not holding him down. Not pulling him close. Just there, your hand in his while the nightmare faded.
In the morning, neither of you mentioned it.
That became routine too.
By the third week, Bucky knew where you kept the extra coffee filters, which floorboards creaked near the mudroom, how to coax the old generator into running when it developed a temper, and which jars in the pantry you had filled with peach preserves because the labels had peeled off two summers ago.
You knew he liked coffee too strong, hated being approached from behind, preferred the left side of the bed because it let him see the door, and sometimes hummed songs under his breath while he sharpened knives. Old songs. Sweet ones. The kind that sounded strange coming from a man with blood under his fingernails and war behind his eyes.
One morning, while snow fell in thick curtains outside, you caught him reading one of the battered paperbacks from the shelf near the stove.
You stopped in the kitchen doorway. âAre you reading my romance novel?â
You narrowed your eyes. âAre you judging my literature?â
âDoll, Iâm halfway through chapter twelve, and if Captain Rourke doesnât kiss the widow soon, Iâm throwing this book into the fire.â
You stared at him.
He stared back.
Then you laughed so hard you had to grip the doorframe.
Buckyâs smile started slowly, as if he was not used to letting it happen, but once it arrived, it changed his whole face. Younger. Softer. Devastating in a way you did not have defenses for.
You turned back into the kitchen before he could see too much.
The men hunting you found the lower perimeter in late January.
You knew because one of the motion sensors went dead during a storm that was not strong enough to kill it. The second followed eleven minutes later. By the time you reached the radio room, Bucky was already behind you, rifle in hand, hair still damp from the shower.
You spread the map across the desk. âAt least four.â
He leaned over your shoulder, close enough that his chest almost brushed your back. âCould be testing the boundary.â
âTheyâre too far west for that.â
âYou have cameras?â
âPassive thermal. Hardline only.â
âShow me.â
You did.
Five heat signatures moved between the trees below the ridge, ghostly white against black. Two snowmobiles. Professional spacing. White gear. Rifles. Not locals. Not lost.
Buckyâs jaw tightened.
âThey donât know where the cabin is,â he said.
âNot yet.â
âThey will if we let them keep looking.â
âI know.â
You went out together.
The storm helped. Snow blurred the world, swallowing sound and shape. You moved through the pines with rifles wrapped in white cloth, communicating in hand signals because voices carried strangely in heavy weather. Bucky was almost silent beside you. For all his size, he moved like the mountain had granted him permission.
The first two men followed the false trail exactly as designed. The snow beneath them gave way in a controlled slide, dropping them hard into the ravine below. Their shouts vanished under the crack of breaking ice and the heavy rush of powder. One voice cut off at once. The other carried for a few seconds longer, ragged and furious, before the mountain swallowed that too.
The third saw you. He raised his rifle, and Bucky hit him from the side like a falling tree.
The fourth fired. Bark exploded near your cheek. You dropped, rolled, and returned fire. The man went down with a shout, leg hit, weapon gone into the snow.
The fifth came from behind. You heard him too late. An arm locked around your throat and dragged you back against a body that smelled like sweat and gun oil. Cold metal pressed beneath your jaw.
âDrop it,â he snapped.
Bucky froze.
His eyes went to the pistol under your chin, and for one terrible second, his face emptied of everything except fear.
Not for himself.
For you.
That hit harder than the gun.
âDrop it,â the man repeated.
Your fingers loosened around your rifle.
Buckyâs gaze flicked once to your left hand.
Trust was a stupid thing. Dangerous. Overrated. A trap people baited with warmth and sprung when you needed them most.
You dropped the rifle.
The man laughed.
You drove your boot down on his instep, slammed your head back into his nose, and twisted as his grip faltered. The pistol slipped away from your jaw. You caught his wrist. Bucky moved.
It was over in seconds.
The man hit the snow unconscious. Bucky stood over him, chest rising and falling, metal hand flexed at his side. You touched your throat and felt the tender bruise forming beneath your chin.
âYou okay?â he asked.
His voice was too controlled.
âYes.â
âHe hurt you?â
âNo.â
His gaze dropped to your throat.
You stepped close and caught his chin before you could think better of it, forcing him to look at your face. He went very still under your hand.
âBucky,â you said. âIâm okay.â
Something in him shuddered, though his body barely moved.
For half a second, neither of you spoke.
Then, from somewhere below, a man groaned.
The sound dragged both of you back into the woods.
You let go of Buckyâs chin.
The fourth man was still breathing where he had fallen, one hand pressed uselessly against the snow. The third lay too still near the trees. Down in the ravine, movement shifted beneath the powder.
They had found the cabin.
They had seen your faces.
One of them had gotten close enough to put a gun under your jaw.
There were rules for this, too.
You had always needed rules. Without them, anger could become anything. A fire. A hunger. A thing with teeth.
So you waited for anger to come.
It came.
Hot. Familiar. Easy.
You did not let it choose.
That was the point of rules.
The two of you moved through the trees without speaking. Bucky took the left side of the ravine. You took the right. The storm worked around you, dragging snow over boot prints, broken branches, blood, the black mouths of weapons half-buried in white.
When it was done, the woods were quiet again.
Not peaceful.
Quiet.
Dead men could not describe the cabin. Dead men could not count your weapons, repeat Buckyâs face into a radio, or tell HYDRA which way you ran when the smoke went out.
You were not merciful, exactly.
Mercy was something you offered when the cost was yours alone. This would not have been. This would have cost Bucky. The cabin. The fragile, half-frozen life you had carved out of the mountain with locks and salt lines and a loaded rifle by every door.
HYDRA had taught both of you what happened when the wrong people walked away with information.
So they did not walk away.
Back at the cabin, Bucky said nothing.
Neither did you.
You stripped the weapons outside first. Magazines. Bolts. Blades. Radios. Anything useful came inside. Anything traceable went into the burn barrel. The rest you left for the storm.
The cabin had an expiration date now. You both knew it. Maybe hours. Maybe days. HYDRA would notice when their men did not report in. Someone would come looking. Someone always came looking.
But not tonight.
Tonight, the storm was still yours.
Inside, wet gear hung near the stove. Snow melted from your sleeves in slow, dark drops. Your rifle lay across your knees as you wiped it down with steady hands you did not entirely feel.
Bucky stood near the door in a black thermal shirt, jaw tight, bruised knuckles raw where the skin had split. He had been quiet too long.
Then he turned on you.
âYou trusted me.â
You looked up from the rifle. âYes.â
âIn the woods.â
âThat is where we were.â
His jaw clenched. âYou dropped your weapon.â
âYou told me to.â
âI looked at your hand.â
âYou looked like you had a plan.â
âThatâs not the same thing as knowing Iâd get there in time.â
âNo,â you said. âIt isnât.â
He stared at you like you had cracked open the floor beneath him.
You set the cloth aside. âDonât make it weird.â
âThat ship sailed weeks ago.â
The laugh that left you was too soft to be useful.
His expression shifted at the sound, the anger blunting into something more vulnerable and far more dangerous.
âWhy?â he asked.
You could have lied. You were good at lying. You could have given him an answer about tactics, probabilities, angles, the knife in your sleeve. Every word would have been true enough to hide behind.
Instead, you said, âBecause I trust you.â
Bucky went silent.
You hated how much that silence mattered.
The stove popped. Snow melted from the ends of his hair and slipped down the side of his throat. He stood there with damp lashes, bruised knuckles, and a wound you had stitched with your own hands, and you wanted him so sharply it felt like pain.
His eyes dropped to your mouth.
You stood.
The room changed.
He did not move toward you. That was the thing that undid you first. He stayed exactly where he was and let you choose the distance. Bucky Barnes, who could cross the room faster than thought, stood still and waited.
So you walked to him.
âIf you kiss me,â you said, âyou donât get to pretend tomorrow that you didnât.â
His eyes darkened. âI wasnât planning to.â
âIf this is adrenalineââ
âItâs not.â
âIf this is because weâre trappedââ
âItâs not.â
âIf this is because I almost got shotââ
His right hand rose slowly, giving you time to stop him. You did not. His fingers touched your cheek with such care that it was almost worse than roughness would have been.
âItâs because I think about kissing you when weâre eating breakfast,â he said. âAnd when youâre checking the locks. And when youâre yelling at the generator. And when you fall asleep pretending youâre not tired.â
Your mouth went dry.
His thumb brushed the corner of your mouth.
âItâs because you trusted me out there,â he said, quieter now, âand I realized I want you to trust me in here too.â
âBucky.â
âTell me no.â
You didnât.
He kissed you like he was afraid of getting it wrong.
You had expected hunger. There was hunger, yes, in the way his breath changed when your hands closed around the front of his shirt, in the way his fingers slid into your hair and held there like he needed something to anchor him. But the kiss itself was careful. Slow. Bucky tilted your face up and kissed you like he was asking a question he would survive hearing no to.
It ruined you.
You made a frustrated sound against his mouth and pulled him closer. His hand tightened in your hair, not enough to hurt, but enough to make your thoughts scatter.
He broke the kiss at once.
âOkay?â
âYes,â you breathed. âGod, yes.â
His gaze searched yours.
You realized, suddenly and horribly, that he was checking for fear. Not nervousness. Not desire.
Fear.
The heat in your body softened into something worse.
You cupped the side of his face, thumb brushing the edge of his cheekbone.
âGreen.â
His eyes closed for half a second.
When he opened them, there was so much need in his expression that it should have frightened you. It did not. Maybe because it was not taking. Maybe because he was holding himself back so carefully that the restraint itself felt like a kind of devotion.
âGreen,â he repeated.
This time, when he kissed you, he let himself want.
The kiss deepened quickly, turning messy and hot in front of the stove while snow battered the shutters and your wet gear dripped onto the floor. His hands stayed careful at your waist.
Yours did not.
You pushed under his shirt, felt the warm strength of his body, and he shuddered against your mouth.
That was the thing that stopped you.
Not because it was bad.
Because it was too good.
You pulled back, breathing hard.
Bucky froze instantly. âRed?â
âNo,â you said quickly. âNo. Justââ
You looked at him, at the mouth you had just kissed, at the eyes too dark with want, at the man who had spent weeks sleeping beside you without taking an inch you did not give.
You wanted him.
You also wanted not to run from the feeling by turning it immediately into something you understood how to control.
âNot tonight,â you said.
His expression changed only slightly, but you saw the care settle into place.
âOkay.â
âYouâre not mad?â
He blinked, almost offended. âNo.â
âYouâre disappointed.â
âYeah,â he said, honest enough to make your chest hurt. âBut not in you.â
You looked away.
He caught your hand before you could retreat completely, then loosened his grip at once, giving you the choice.
You stayed.
âIâm not going anywhere,â he said.
The words struck harder than they should have.
You laughed softly, defensive and not very convincing. âDangerous thing to say in my abandonment bunker.â
His mouth curved. âPreparedness bunker.â
âThank you.â
âI still didnât say it was healthy.â
âI still didnât ask.â
He kissed your knuckles once, so briefly you could have pretended it did not happen.
You did not.
That night, you slept on your side of the bed, and he slept on his.
In the morning, you woke with his hand resting carefully over yours in the space between you, as if he had reached in his sleep but still knew to not take too much.
You let it stay.
credit to @uzmacchiato for the cherry divider and @saradika-graphics for the Winter Soldier divider
Designated Villain (Chapter 13) - a Shigaraki x f!Reader fic
You loved BNHA's ending, mostly, but a few weeks after the last chapter is published, you get isekaied into BNHA on the day the story begins. That would be a dream come true, except you ended up in the body of a common criminal, and instead of enjoying life in your favorite fictional world, you find yourself struggling to survive in a world that's much crueler than you ever imagined. Armed with nothing more than BNHA Tumblr brainrot and a highly suspicious iPod Shuffle, you set out to fix the few things that are wrong with BNHA's ending. But as you learn more about the villains you hated and every change you make pushes the plot further off the canon storyline, it's not long before your feelings about the ending start to change. (cross-posted to Ao3)
(dividers by @cafekitsune)
Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
the reader's accidental playlist can be found here.
Chapter 13
Youâre lost again. Overhaulâs hideout is a damn maze, and although youâve been here for a week, you havenât figured out the trick to finding your way around. Nobody in the Hassaikai is going to help you. In fact, thereâs only one way to make sure somebody pays attention. You reach into the pocket of your hoodie for the items you bought just for this purpose, pull a cigarette out of the pack, and flick your lighter on.
You donât smoke. You donât even really think it looks cool. What it does is reliably trigger Overhaulâs air purifiers, which reliably summons at least two yakuza goons to retrieve whoever set it off. You make sure to set it off at least once a day, and youâre not the only one. Dabi, Twice, and Magne are all doing the same thing, and as soon as the goons return you to the quarters where the League is staying, you put your heads together. Youâre trying to map Overhaulâs headquarters. Thereâs someone you need to find.
Youâve only told some members of the League, the ones you think would care about a kidnapped kid whoâs being experimented on. That turned out to be almost everybody, although you couldnât tell Twice without risking exposure. Thankfully, he does whatever Toga does, and Togaâs trustworthy. Dabiâs pretending not to give a shit, but he signed up for the mapping project without blinking, and you didnât quite believe him when he said it was just so he can smoke indoors.
In any case, everybody who can be trusted is looking for Eri specifically, and everybody else is helping, even if they donât know why. The only person whoâs exempt is Monoma, and youâve been feeling guilty about him since the second Shigaraki pulled him through the gate.
Half of you is insisting that itâs not your fault. Youâre not the one who didnât rescue him. How hard would it have been for Bakugou to slow down long enough for Monoma to grab on? Maybe it wouldnât have been easy, but if Bakugou thought Monoma was worth anything, heâd have saved him. He tossed Monoma into the same pile the rest of you are in, and now you have to watch a fifteen-year-old adjust to the fact that a bunch of villains care more about him than the heroes do.
You tell yourself that, but deep down, you know better. You were the one who helped Shigaraki get to the Sports Festival, where he saw Monomaâs quirk up close. Youâre the one who didnât talk him out of it when he set Monoma as the missionâs priority. You chose not to sabotage the League, first in the training camp attack, then again at Kamino. You might not have been the one who kidnapped Monoma or the one who abandoned him, but he wouldnât be here if it wasnât for you.
As bad as the guilt is, seeing what Monomaâs presence brings out in the League is worse. Toga seems happy to have a friend her age, and although you can tell that Monoma doesnât want to warm up to her, sheâs friendly enough that itâs hard for him to ignore. Twiceâs bad jokes have landed just enough times that he keeps trying them. Spinnerâs hyped enough about the possibilities of Monomaâs quirk to get him talking about it â and about the heroes, whose pedestals are pretty easy to knock down with a few tweaks on Stainâs principles. Magneâs good at reaching out to people â she got through to you, after all â and Compress, the only person other than you who can still go out and about safely, is slowly winning him over through snacks. Even Dabiâs nice to him. For a given value of nice.
Worst of all, though, is Shigaraki. He spends a lot of time talking with Monoma, and you canât tell if heâs trying to turn him to the villainsâ side or trying to make him feel better. Heâs weirdly patient with Monoma, more than he was with you or any of the other members of the League, and you donât know how to handle it. Watching it makes you feel really strange.
So you try not to watch it. You give yourself jobs, like mapping Overhaulâs hideout. And you try to get ready for your next move, which youâre starting to think might be critical. In the original timeline you fucked up, All Mightâs reaction to finding out Shigarakiâs real origin was horror, and his first thought was of finding Shigaraki and saving him. Gran Torino talked him out of it, but last you heard, Gran Torino was still in a coma after taking a header in the battle for Kamino. You used to think of Gran Torino like somebodyâs quirky grandpa. You feel a lot less friendly towards him after he tried to kick your head off at a hundred miles per hour.
Youâre not sorry about what happened to him, and itâs given you an opportunity. In this timeline, thereâs no one to talk All Might out of saving Shigaraki, so you need to make it stick. He could be the solution you need. The kind of opponents the League has coming up arenât the kind youâre any use fighting. As Shigarakiâs options narrow, heâll be pushed to further and further extremes, until basically getting Nomufied in the pursuit of greater power is the only route he sees to achieving his goals. You canât let that happen. If he gets All For Oneâs quirk, itâs game over.
You know how heroes work, because you like them â or used to like them, or something. As soon as All For One takes over Shigarakiâs body even partially, Shigaraki stops being a person and starts being a target, so you have to make sure it never happens. For that, you need someone who wants to save Shigaraki, whoâs motivated by something other than standard heroic ideals. All Mightâs got a stake in this that goes beyond that. Thereâs no way around it: You have to find All Might. You have to talk to him. You have to make him listen to you.
And if you can, itâs not just Shigaraki youâll save. You know Shigaraki wonât leave the League behind. If All Might wants to save Shigaraki, heâll have to save the rest of the League, too.
You havenât figured out where he is just yet. Youâve been scoping out hospitals, but you might be too late. Still, if heâs already been discharged, thereâs one place you know heâll show up eventually. The next time you head out, you need to stake out Midoriyaâs apartment.
For now, though, the cigarette smoke is starting to make you cough. You want to put it out, but you have to wait for the smoke alarm â and, done. You stub it out on the floor, trying to look guilty rather than relieved, as two of Overhaulâs goons hurry towards you. âWhat are you doing? How many times do we have to tell you ââ
âItâs an addiction,â you protest. âI canât help it.â
âTake it outside, then,â one of them snaps. Score. âYou arenât made yet.â
âRight,â you say. âSorry. Iâll remember next time.â
âNo you wonât,â the other thug mumbles. âYou lowlifes are all the same.â
Youâre tempted to point out that youâre not the one serving some child-torturing creep who blows up people who argue with him, but you keep your mouth shut. They gave you what you wanted already. âWhich way out of here?â
The guards escort you, and you spend the rest of the walk back to the Leagueâs corner of the compound trying to fix the route in your head. Once youâre back in the main room, shutting the door behind you, you head straight for the map. The only other person in the room is Monoma, whoâs holding a Nintendo Switch and staring at nothing. âHey,â you say, once youâve drawn in the new portion of the map. âHow are you doing?â
Monoma shrugs. âThey say Bakugouâs going to lose an eye,â he says. âI saw on the news.â
âI heard about that,â you say. According to the news, the light you blasted at him was so intense that it was basically a laser, and it flash-boiled all the liquid in his eyeball and cooked everything else. When you read about how you apparently did it, you almost threw up. âHow do you feel about it?â
âI donât,â Monoma says. You keep looking at him. âWhat do you want me to say? That he deserved it? He didnât deserve it. Nobody deserves this.â
Heâs getting there. âYou donât think he deserved it. Maybe he didnât deserve it,â you say, although youâre damn sure he did and youâll do it again if you have to. âThat doesnât mean it doesnât feel good to see somebody who hurt you get hurt.â
âHeroes shouldnât feel that way.â
âAfter what youâve seen, do you really want to be a hero?â
âIâm not stupid. I know there are things wrong with heroes,â Monoma says. âBut that doesnât mean I should become a villain.â
âFair,â you admit. âIâm going out in a second. Need anything?â
âYouâre going out?â Shigaraki sticks his head out of one of the rooms. âWhy didnât you ask me if I needed anything?â
âI wasnât sure you were awake. I was going to check.â You glance back at Monoma, who shakes his head, and decide youâll bring him something anyway. âI need to get dressed. Iâll check back with you before I go.â
âGet dressed? What do you mean, get dressed?â Shigaraki is following you. âYou have clothes on.â
âGet disguised,â you correct yourself. âIâm only safe to go out as long as they canât tie me to Kamino.â
âI know,â Shigaraki says. He follows you into the room you share with Toga and Magne, neither of whom are there, and sits down on your bed. âWhat are you waiting for? Do whatever youâre doing.â
âWhy are you in here?â
âI want to talk to you,â Shigaraki says. You were hoping heâd make up a reason. Something about a mission or a plan, not just â that. âDo your disguise thing. We can talk while you do that.â
âOkay.â You hid most of your costume kit outside the hideout before Kamino, and going back to get it was as stressful as things have gotten since the training camp attack. Almost as stressful as coming back with it and having to invent a reason why you hid it offsite in the first place. âWhat do you want to talk about?â
Itâs quiet for a second. âThe kid,â Shigaraki says. âDo you think we should give him back?â
Thatâs not what you were expecting. You pause in the middle of sorting through your wigs. âYou want to give him back? After everything we went through trying to get him?â
âHeâs an asset if heâs on our team, and heâs a huge liability if he isnât,â Shigaraki says. âIf heâd picked going with us, that would be one thing, but since he didnât ââ
Shigaraki trails off. You go back to sorting the wigs. âWeâve got enough problems already. More coming up, too,â Shigaraki says finally. Heâs careful about alluding to Eri. Everyone is. âIf heâs not on board, we should let him go.â
âHe might not be on board yet,â you say. What are you even saying? You want Shigaraki to let Monoma go. You want Monoma to have a normal life. But somethingâs still nagging at you, gnawing on you, and it takes you a second to figure out what it is. âI think you should let him decide.â
âReally?â
âYeah.â You pick up a hot pink wig, one you donât wear a lot because it makes you look sweaty, and start brushing it out. âHe might want to go back. I probably would, if I was him. But it should be his call. Otherwise weâre just one more group of people saying he doesnât matter.â
Itâs quiet for a little bit. You resist the urge to glance over at Shigaraki, to try to figure out what heâs thinking. It was a lot easier to look at him when he had the hand over his face. He was harder to read. Now you know him well enough to see whatâs on his mind almost before he says it. âThatâs what I was thinking,â he says. âHe might pick us. Donât you think itâs weird that he hasnât tried to escape?â
âEscaping is high-risk, low reward as long as weâve got Kurogiri,â you say. That was how you thought of it, anyway. You havenât thought about escaping in a while. âAnd this place is a maze. I wouldnât want to get lost in here if I was him. I donât even like getting lost in here when itâs me.â
âIâd come get you,â Shigaraki says. âHow come youâre wearing that one? You hate that one.â
Heâs pointing at the pink wig. âWhat makes you think I hate it?â
âYou never wear it,â Shigaraki says. âThe only other one you donât wear is that one.â
He reaches into the box and taps the navy blue wig with one finger. âHow come?â
âUh ââ You didnât realize Shigaraki paid that much attention to your disguises. âThatâs the one I had on at USJ. People saw me follow you through the gate, even if they didnât get footage. If I wear that, I match the description the cops have of me, even if I contour the hell out of my face.â
âI like that one,â Shigaraki says. You set the pink wig down and decide to do your makeup first. That way you have something to look at other than him. âYou should wear the same one for every mission. If your hair color keeps changing, people are going to figure out how youâre disguising yourself.â
You probably should have thought of that. You nod in agreement and get to work on your makeup, wondering if Shigaraki will find it boring enough to leave. No such luck. He stretches out on your bed instead, head on your pillow. No matter how you zero in on the mirror, you can still see him in your peripheral vision. âWhen are we going to read again?â he asks abruptly. âAre you reading it without me?â
âNo,â you say, offended. âI wouldnât. Just, like â when are we supposed to do that? And where?â
âWhenever. Here.â Shigarakiâs giving you a strange look. âLike before. Why are you acting weird about it?â
âIâm not,â you say. âI just â I share a room with people now. People will see.â
âSo what?â Shigaraki asks. You canât tell if heâs being dumb on purpose, or if he honestly canât figure out why hanging out on your bed with you while you read out loud to him might not be something you want other people to see. âI want to find out what happens. Donât you?â
âYeah,â you admit. âOkay. Fine. We can read it when I get back. Do you want anything?â
âSome kind of snack. The food here sucks,â Shigaraki says, projecting his voice. The first thing you all did when you moved in was check the place for bugs, and while you got all the cameras, microphones are easier to hide. âOtherwise, be careful. Theyâre looking for you a lot harder than they were before.â
âIâll be careful,â you say, and it crosses your mind that youâve got an opportunity. âI might be gone longer, then. It might be smart to go further away.â
Shigaraki nods. Youâre expecting him to get up and leave, but he doesnât. Instead he flops back on your bed, making himself comfortable, and you finish doing your makeup faster than youâve ever done it in your life.
On the way out, you check in with Monoma. âAre you sure you donât want anything?â He mumbles something. âSay again?â
âChocolate.â
âNo problem,â you say. âWhat kind?â
He wants a specific kind â something foreign â which gives you an excuse to go even farther out of your usual way. You sneak out one of the less-used entrances to the compound and make your way down the street to the train station. As you wait for the train, you decide you can give up on checking hospitals. Itâs been too long, given that Recovery Girlâs quirk is a thing. Your best bet is to stake out the Midoriyasâ apartment and wait for All Might to show up. Overhaulâs hideout is in Osaka, while the Midoriyas live in Shizuoka. Itâs not a short trip. You probably need all that time to think of how youâre going to get through to All Might.
All Might didnât get a good look at you. Not at USJ, not at Kamino. If you approach him, he wonât see anything but an ordinary civilian. But that could work against you, too. Just like there are weirdos in your world who fangirl over criminals, BNHA has people who freak out over villains. An ordinary civilian isnât someone All Might has to listen to. Shigarakiâs right-hand villain definitely is.
Part of you wonders if just leveling with All Might is the way to go. Telling him who you are, why youâre there, and why you think Shigaraki can be saved. Itâs tempting, and maybe before Kamino, it would have worked. Now, though â if you out yourself as Shigarakiâs ally, the first thing All Might will think of is what you did to Bakugou. Nothing you say is going to matter after he realizes that you maimed a kid.
So confronting All Might directly is a nonstarter. Your best shot is to find a way to leave him a message and hope he actually listens to it. Thereâs a good chance, maybe, if you say it right. And youâve got the whole trip to figure out how to say it right.
The first thing you have to do is establish your credibility. Tell All Might something you shouldnât know, to prove that youâre worth listening to. The trick is going to be doing that without tripping your seizures. Whatâs not common knowledge in universe, but well-known in the fandom? It only takes a second to come up with the answer. Everybody knows All Might had to retire. How many of them know itâs because he lost One For All? How many people know that heâs quirkless without it?
Thatâs it. You open the Notes app on your phone and start typing.
Two sentences in, you get a text from Toga. Your phone is full of groupchats â thereâs a League-wide chat, a League minus Chrono and Rappa chat, one thatâs just you and Shigaraki and Kurogiri. Since you moved into the Hassaikai compound, youâve been added to another one â League of Villainesses, thatâs you and Magne and Toga and occasionally Chrono, who keeps getting removed by Magne if she misbehaves and added back in because Toga thinks sheâs fun to mess with. The text from Toga is the Villainesses chat, and itâs mostly not a text. Itâs a picture. Of Shigaraki, fast asleep on your bed.
Toga: ?????????
????????? is right. You might go so far as ???????????????????, because you feel like youâve gotten punched in the stomach. Maybe lower than the stomach. Youâre not sure. What the hell is he doing? You know he was in there hanging out while you got ready, but you assumed heâd leave, not that heâd flop over and take a nap. What the hell. Part of you wants to call him right now, wake him up, and tell him to find somewhere else to pass out.
But at the same time, you know Shigaraki doesnât sleep well. Even if it wasnât basically canon, youâve seen it for yourself. Heâs restless, tossing and turning constantly, waking up for the smallest sound. There were times back at the hideout where he came out of his room to snap at you for closing the bathroom door too hard. Right now, though, heâs sleeping hard enough that Toga could sneak up on him to snap a photo. And heâs not tossing and turning. Heâs curled in on himself slightly, face turned against your pillow, expression calm. You feel that punch in the stomach again, stronger this time. Thereâs a word for this, isnât there? Itâs â
Magne: aww, theyâre so cute when theyâre asleep
Chronostasis: not when theyâre on your bed
Toga: youâre just jealous because your boss wonât cuddle with you
Magne: has he figured out youâre a girl yet?
Chronostasis: Shut up
You sort of want to point out that youâre not â cuddling â with Shigaraki. Youâre not even in the same town right now. Cuddling is the last thing on your mind, or it was, until Toga said that. Now youâre thinking about it. Shigaraki really would be terrible to cuddle with. Heâs mostly skin and bones, and even after his canon glow-up, his bulk is all muscle, which isnât comfortable, either. Not to mention the bit where he could easily kill you by accident. So why is your stupid face heating up when you read Togaâs message? Why are you wondering if thereâs a way to make cuddling with Shigaraki safe?
Itâs academic, you decide. Evaluating if the Shigaraki fans are onto something, or if they really are just that hyped to bruise themselves and maybe get Decayed. If you were going to do it, spooning him would probably be the way to go. Heâs already sort of curled up. And thereâs less of a chance that heâd grab you by accident.
Question answered. You donât need to think about it anymore. You go back to your All Might letter, but not before sending a response.
Aspera: can someone put a blanket on him?
Magne: you got it, honey. Iâll make sure he knows itâs from you :)
God. You think about removing yourself from the chat, but you just close it instead. Letter to All Might. Thatâs whatâs important here.
You havenât put a ton of thought into All Might as a character, but you review what you know. All Might wanted to be a hero to be a Symbol, to set an example, way before he knew about All For One. All Might picked Midoriya to be his successor because of how Midoriya threw himself into harmâs way to help Bakugou. Selflessness is a quality he admires, and Shigaraki has that â but not at this point in the story, not in a way that someone like All Might would see and recognize. Youâll be better off talking about who Shigaraki is to All Might. His masterâs grandson, kidnapped and tormented by All For One because All Might wasnât there to save him. All Mightâs already got the guilt. You just need to trip it.
By the time you get to Shizuoka, you have a draft of the letter ready to go. You stop in a convenience store, buy most of what you need for the others along with a card and a cheap pen, and sit down in a park to write it out. You make a few edits here and there, then hit a wall when it comes time to sign your name. Your real name wonât mean anything to him. The name the person whose life you landed in will tell him exactly who you are, just like your villain name will. But you should give a name, so that if you have to talk to him again, he already knows you can be trusted.
You come up with a name, sign the card, and hesitate over a name to put on the outside of the envelope. Maybe this is another spot where your extra knowledge will come in handy. The whole world knows All Might. Not a lot of people know Yagi Toshinori.
You seal the letter, rearrange your purchases in your bag, and steel yourself. Time to find the Midoriyasâ apartment.
That part is pretty easy. Easier than it should be, probably, which makes you wonder why All For One didnât just send somebody to kidnap Midoriya directly. Youâre thinking youâll tape the letter to the Midoriyasâ front door, so All Might will see it when he goes to knock, but when you get there, youâre not the only one whoâs just arriving. Thereâs a black car idling at the curb, and All Might is already climbing out.
Fuck. There goes your plan. You could still try it, but everyone would notice you sprinting there and back, and itâll be clear who left the letter. Unless â you wait until the black car pulls away to circle the block, then break into a run, past the point where the car was parked. You wing the letter at the ground ahead of you, stumble to pick it up, and call out. âSir! Um, sir, wait ââ
All Might glances back, puzzled, just in time for you to lose your balance and tip over. Not on purpose, but if it was, it would have worked. All Might turns around and hurries towards you. âYoung lady, are you all right?â
âIâm okay. I just tripped,â you mumble awkwardly. Even in scarecrow form, All Might towers over you. His hands are huge as he helps you to your feet. âI donât mean to bother you, but â um â I think you dropped this.â
You hold out the letter to All Might, who looks at it blankly. âIt fell out of your pocket when you got out of the car,â you say. âI didnât want to just leave it there, in case it was important.â
All Mightâs poker face isnât great. You can see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to decide how likely is that he straight up forgot a letter someone gave him. It looks like he thinks itâs pretty likely. It doesnât look like heâs thinking that you might be pulling one over on him at all. âThank you, young lady,â he says finally. âThatâs very kind of you. Are you sure youâre all right?â
âI definitely am. Youâre here,â you say. All Might looks startled, at which point you realize how insensitive you sound. âOh, Iâm sorry. I didnât mean to â make fun of you ââ
âYou werenât,â All Might says. He smiles. âThank you for the reminder.â
âHuh?â
âI donât need to put on a costume to make someoneâs life a little easier,â he says. âThere is still good for me to do.â
A lot of it. Way more than he knows. If he reads your letter, if he listens, he could stop a war and see All For One destroyed at last. âThere is,â you say. âThank you, sir.â
You turn to leave, and so does he, but you check back over your shoulder once. Your letter is tucked securely into his pocket, and you breathe a sigh of relief. This isnât the first time youâve messed with canon, but itâs the first time youâve done it for the better. Now you can grab Monomaâs fancy chocolate and head back to the hideout. Hopefully Shigarakiâs not sleeping on your bed when you get there.
You check your phone on the train and find that Magneâs sent another picture of Shigaraki â still asleep, but this time with the blanket draped over him.
Magne: I tucked him in for you
Magne: he really is cute when heâs asleep
Toga: and Chrono really is jealous
Chronostasis: Iâm not jealous!
Aspera: thanks
Aspera: Iâm on my way back. need anything?
They add one or two things each to your list, which means you need to make one last stop on your way home. Maybe you need it. Youâre not ready to face Shigaraki just yet. You might not have betrayed the League with your letter, but that doesnât mean heâd be happy you sent it. Are you happy with what you wrote? You open the Notes app to study it again.
Dear All Might,
Iâm going to tell you something most people donât know about you, so youâll believe me when I say I know things: I know you were quirkless before you got One For All. And I know that youâre still grieving for your master. I bet itâs worse now, because you know that her grandson was kidnapped by All For One. If youâd been around, you could have saved him. Iâm here to tell you that itâs not too late.
Other people might tell you differently. They might tell you that thereâs nothing you can do, but there is. Shimura Tenko still needs you, even if he says he doesnât. All For One has had fifteen years to brainwash him. Itâs not going to get fixed overnight. Please keep trying. Please donât give up on him. I think you might be his only hope.
Sincerely,
Astra
It still looks okay. You got a little Star Wars at the end, but thatâs probably not the end of the world. You made it sound urgent, because it is. You guilt-tripped him, because he should feel guilty. You told him that it wonât be easy, because it wonât. All you can do now is hope that All Mightâs the kind of hero everyone says he is.
Thereâs still a while left in the train ride. You put away your phone to save battery and take out your Shuffle. It doesnât occur to you to dread what youâll hear until after youâve pressed play. The dawn is breaking, a light shining through; youâre barely waking, and Iâm tangled up in youâŚ
It had better be kidding. You press the skip button a few times, knowing it wonât work, and the stupid song actually seems to get louder. Your efforts to turn it down get you through most of the first verse and the whole chorus, and by the time the second verse starts, youâve resigned yourself to getting incorrectly roasted. Iâm quiet, you know. You make a first impression. I find Iâm scared to know Iâm always on your mind â
Your phone buzzes in your pocket. You ignore it, and you cross your arms over your chest, staring out the window. Of course Shigarakiâs on your mind. Heâs your friend, you spent the whole day trying to figure out a way to save him, and the asshole is sleeping on your bed right now. It would be weirder if you werenât thinking about him. You wonder if All Mightâs read your letter yet. What he thinks about it. What itâs going to take to make him see what you see when you look at Shigaraki and the League of Villains. Donât stop here, I lost my place, Iâm close behind â
God. You rip your headphones out of your ears. Even knowing that youâll be right back where you started the instant you put them in again, youâd rather spend the rest of the trip back to Osaka in silence.