MDNI. my fics are 18+. angsty, darker themes & smut.
latest -> big ol’ freak
taglist | gtfo zionists | sideblog | recs
☆ indicates smut.
Bucky Barnes
-> loathe isn’t strong enough ☆
ANGST. slowburn-ish. smut; hatefucking, crying during sex. betrayal. reader is morally grey. hurt!comfort. approx. 20k wc
-> wanna play a game? ☆
ghostface!bucky. fearplay. horror themes.
-> solo mission
angst, reader!hurt, hurt!nocomfort
-> winter widow / p2 / p3 ☆
what if you were the one who fell?
reader!winter(soldier)widow, angst, violence, mention of torture, flashbacks, yearning.
-> “i didn’t have anywhere else to go”
reader!hurt, enemies to lovers, angst but also fluff
-> tell me again in the morning
fluff, reader!drunk, friends to lovers, confession.
-> sleeping with the enemy ☆
enemies to lovers, one bed trope, angst, bucky!hurt
-> the blood we’ve spilt ☆
wintersoldier!bucky x vampire!reader
hydra experiment, forbidden love, torture, blood, sexual tension, violence, eventual smut, some tooth rotting one-liners -> (bonus)
-> bucky barnes is a slut ☆
short. kinda fluff. suggestive. fruit as a sexual innuendo.
-> “i didn’t ask for you to love me.”
angst. hurt absolutely no comfort.
-> “congressman barnes is a munch” ☆
pure smut. f!recieving.
-> “demolition lovers”
you took his bullet, but now you have to say goodbye. angst. they’re so in love, it’s painful. hurt/nocomfort. yes it’s an mcr reference.
-> “hates me, not?” ☆
sub!bucky. dryhumping. begging. whimpering men.
-> “perfect distraction” ☆
bucky is in love with you but you’re bestfriends. when you both hookup for the first time, you suggest fwb and he desperately wants you so he’ll settle for fucking you stupid.
-> “fatal attraction” ☆
avenger!bucky + newrecruit!reader. angst, enemies to lovers, jealousy
Jason Todd
-> safety net — the masterlist *series
college au, smut, virginity loss, angst, fluff. betrayal.
-> bulking season
jason has been bulking and he’s extraaaaa big.
-> jason, the romantic
fluff. short. drabble
-> tower of memories *ongoing
hurt!comfort. angsty; very angsty-relationship, heated arguments. reader!hurt; blood, torture, violence, lowkey horror. slowburn-ish. +more tags to be added.
-> not over it
emotional damage, angst, trauma. hurt/comfort.
-> keep it on ☆
mask kink. filthy smut.
-> too angry to notice ☆
jason todd x reader — reader!hurt, angst, smut
you fucked up on the mission. bad. you ended up getting hurt and hide it from jason. he’s so pissed at you for messing up patrol he doesn’t even realize you were hurt. until he does, and the tension between you boils over.
-> f*cking the stress outta you ☆
exactly what it sounds like.
-> “jason’s love language is physical touch” ☆
sweet, soft smut.
-> merry christmas, i love you
fluff. angst. friends to lovers. happy jason.
-> melt into the kiss
jason folds like a lawn chair. fluff.
-> bf!jason is a yapper
boyfriend!jasontodd is such a yapper, he can’t do secrets.
nerdystoner!jason | university au | smut | masterlist
synopsis: it’s your last year of university and jason todd has been in your classes, plotting on you. you’d promised yourself you’d make the most of this year, go to more parties, finally lose your virginity, and step out of your comfort zone, while jason steps into yours.
tags: college!au, angst, smoking, drinking, smut, reader is (was) a virgin. jealousy, bsfs!brother, grayson is in a frat. plottwist.
“meant it” | nerdystoner!jason | university au | smut
summary: jason’s finding it hard seeing you, seemingly, move on from him so his solution is to keep his distance. fortunately, he can’t even manage that.
tags + extras: college!au, angst, smoking, drinking, smut, reader is (was) a virgin. car sex. jealousy, frat houses mentioned, bsfs!brother, yes the reader has more than one bsf. plottwist. dick is in a frat because of course out of all the batboys it would be him. jason is not in a frat cause he wouldn’t join it, he’d think its stupid but would stick around for some parties for funsies.
a/n: so so so sorry, life got busy and the university experience was killing me as it is the characters in this au lmao. anyway, i hope this lives up to your expectations and doesn’t disappoint. unfortunately i couldn’t proofread cause i had my first amateur boxing match last night (and won yay) so i didn’t have time…
the funny thing about saying something out loud is that it solidifies itself by whoever heard it.
being caught off guard and saying something you’d never really considered before and it takes root in your life as your word is held against you. something about this whole situation reminded you of the fundamentals of primary school and the golden rules you were supposed to follow.
treat others the way you want to be treated.
think before you speak.
something must’ve gotten lost in translation because everything seems to be going to shit.
back inside of the house, jason is nowhere to be found.
you duck into his room, check grayson’s, and then ultimately decide to check back downstairs again. nothing. pulling out your phone to call jason when you run into grayson, walking right into him as you descend down the stairs.
“woah, slow down,” he holds your shoulders straight, “where are we going?”
waving your phone around vaguely, “i was looking for jason but i think he left?”
grayson nods, “yeah. he went on a liquor run with roy and wally.”
“huh,” nodding back, you hum, “liquor run.”
“yeah, it’s a pool party this time so guaranteed need a couple kegs and something strong for shots.” continuing while you walk with him to the now fixed window and shooing away barry and oliver who were standing way too close to comfort. “and whoever did this shit is gonna get their ass beat when i find them.”
“makes sense.” you barely reply, watching as people move around you but not really paying attention.
the last few days have been, eventful to say the least. then hal threw in that curveball that just caused another spiral of what you and jason even were. he apologized, yes, and of course you want jason. you’ll always want jason but you’ve spent so much time now on him, trying to get over him to no avail. weeks of your life distancing yourself only to get pulled back to him again.
saying yes to hal felt like more of an unconscious decision than you actually wanting to date him.
it’s probably mean but he threw you off when he suddenly asked you out and it almost felt like a sign. that you had options and that not being with jason wasn’t the end of the world even if it felt like it. maybe hal could give you some perspective.
it’s not like hal jordan is ugly by any means. you’ve seen him without a shirt and he’s insanely ripped, much like grayson is. he’s pretty too, the kind that would make anyone do a double take.
but in the back of yours mind you still knew.
he’s not jason.
“hey,” grayson suddenly says, “you keep zoning out on me.”
you turn to face him, “yeah, sorry.”
he shakes his head and points a finger at your forehead, “don’t apologize. what’s going on in that head of yours?”
with a heavy sigh and no patience left to lie, “i hooked up with jason again.”
grayson’s eyes widen, “oh, i didn’t need to know that—” he sighs, “uh, isn’t that a good thing?”
you nod slowly, “i think so.”
from behind the two of you, the party began to get bigger. glassing clinking and laughter ringing. roaring music as tim whispered something in connor’s ear and he clicked away on his phone. hal had already joined the crowd with his shirt crooked on his body and a hand clasped around a beer. the front door was opening and closing more than you could count and the bodies stacking inside were more than the previous ones you’d been to probably because it was the last one of the school year. but jason wasn’t back yet.
someone bumps into you from behind and touches your waist to steady you from falling.
“oops sorry. ‘m a clutz.” laughing as she lets go of your side to get a better look at you. “wait, i know you!”
she smiles bright, her hair dark and beautiful. her eyes had the prettiest sparkle to them. you blink at the girl in front of you and exchange a glance with grayson.
“are you in my program?” you ask.
grayson cuts in, “no, this is donna. you met her at the last party.”
you nod slowly as the gears turn you recognize her face from spin the bottle. “oh, hey. sorry.”
“you were dating jason right?” a clear slur in her voice that told you’d she’d been drinking for a while before getting here, “ugh i was talking to roy and he’s such a dog. both of them are honestly. i just can’t believe jason made that bet about you seriously. all my sisters are uber pissed and swore to keep away for at least another week.”
your stomach drops at her words and the creeping feeling of embarrassment takes form. though another form of jealousy crept too.
“you all heard?” you ask quietly.
donna nods immediately, “of course, everyone kinda did. but and of course roy is still up jade’s ass so whatever.”
she doesn’t notice how you’re demeanour shifts just barely. the creeping unease from everyone knowing your existence from a bet, no matter how much reassurance jason gave you. it was finally in front of you. you’d seen how you’re known to people you don’t really even know—as a joke.
twisting his head slightly, dick read how her words were hitting you before you’d even said anything yourself. he gestures to her hand quickly. “you’re drinking pink whitney?”
she shrugs and holds her cup up, “of course. don’t act like it’s not good.”
“never said that it’s just banned from this frat. too many bad memories.”
a distant shout makes grayson turn his attention that way again. when you turn too, you see conner with blood dripping down his neck and a face palming tim. the needle in conners hand is barely visible from where you were but you could see enough to know he was adjusting a new piece of metal in his lip, matching the other side.
he pierced himself and didn’t even seem fazed.
“for fucks sake,” grayson murmurs under his breath before putting hand up to both of you and storming over towards them.
“i told him not to do it,” tim sighs and shrugs while conner looks pleased with himself, already tonguing at the snake bite.
grayson grabs the towel and holds it to his lip himself, like the responsible guy he tries to be. “this is the last time you pierce yourself dude. just go to the fucking tattoo parlor across the street.”
beneath the paper towel, conner laughs but it comes out more muffled, “‘n pay sixty-five bucks? ya right.”
you’d probably been smiling at their interaction or just tuned out so much that donna tapped you again.
“do you want get a drink too? i’m basically out.”
glancing towards the front door once more, like it could bring jason back faster, you slowly nod. the two of you move towards the kitchen and donna starts talking about astrology and zodiac signs. she explains how her sign is compatible with most people but you don’t quite remember what her sign even was from how fast she talked. by the time she’s pouring you a drink in a solo cup and handing it to you, she starts talking about roy again.
“—he’s a dick. a real piece of work but when we’re alone he’s sweet. i don’t get it.” she sighs before gesturing towards you vaguely at how zoned out you were again, “but i’m sure jason is similar right? they are bestfriends.”
though you answer immediately, your blood warm from the alcohol already, “no. he’s actually really sweet in every situation. just kindhearted like it’s in his blood, i don’t know, it’s kind of infuriating.”
she nods along, “he keeps to himself yeah. just a real ass for making that bet over you babe. i’m sorry about that.”
grimacing softly, you sigh, “why’re you sorry? it’s not like you did it.”
“i mean, it just doesn’t make sense.” donna dramatically groans, “he’s in love with you! why’d do men do terrible things to the women they love?”
you down the rest of your cup and immediately regret it with a groan of disgust before shrugging, “it’s not love. it’s like a race of endurance. who can take more hardship from someone whose supposed to make their life easier.”
she laughs with her pretty teeth out, bumping shoulders with you, “you sound like you’ve had a lot of shitty boyfriends.”
“one was enough,” you genuinely laugh too before it simmers into something deeper, “and he’s not shitty and that’s the problem.”
she frowns, “oh babe, i know exactly what you mean.”
the front door continues to open and close, inviting new people in and letting others out. between the shuffling, the two of you slide onto the counter, legs crossed towards the other. that’s when a thought occurs to you again and it demands to be discovered. you gulp before you speak.
“um… did you really mean what you said earlier? that everyone heard what roy said?”
donna’s frown deepens before she nods, “the people around us and other sorority did.”
“who cares though? after you graduate, you’ll never gonna see these losers again.”
she jumps off the counter, “let’s go, show ‘em how hot you are.”
sipping your drink, you glancing towards the party through the doorway. you blink at her than down at your clothes that wasn’t meant for a party.
“nah i’m good in here.” lying right through your teeth like you were any form of good right now.
she rolls her eyes and drags you anyways, back towards the loud music. as soon as you’re back you see shots being poured by roy and wally. the two of them arguing over who had better taste in music while you walked over with donna. when you look to donna to tell her to ignore roy, she’s already got hearts in her eyes and you sigh softly to yourself.
“—all you listen to is fucking faye webster,” roy sighs, “i bet you listen to taylor swift too.”
wally gasps like he’s offended, “okay that’s where i draw the line.”
when roy opens his mouth again, conner drapes his arms around both of their shoulders, “both of you have shit taste, how’s that?”
as soon as roy squints at tim over conners shoulder. though tim only smiled tightly and tilts his head towards where you stood with donna. he catches donnas eye and he shoots her a stupid smile. the kind you recognize from him as the one he makes to women he wants to sleep with. you step slightly in front of her like a protective boyfriend or something even though you’d just met her. cause you know what roy is like and in the little time you’d known donna, you know how he makes her feel with so little words.
“have you seen jason?” you say with a tilt of your head.
roy shrugs, “he’s probably still being the keg inside.”
you frown, “you let him bring a whole keg in alone?”
“have you seen the man?” asking with genuine confusion towards you, “he’s fucking ripped.”
as if you even have to think about it, you nod and turn to go find him. donna’s already making her way towards roy before you can tell her anything. so you continue your way towards the garage.
music slowly getting quieter as you walk down the hall and into the laundry room. ignoring the people making out on top of the washer and dryer as you open the garage door and find it still open. and jason’s mustang still on. but he was nowhere to be found there. you circle the car and turn the corner to no avail still. jason wasn’t there. you turn towards the front door and still don’t find him. with an exasperated groan, you stomp towards the backyard door to try again at finding him because there’s no way he just left his car on right?
“you looking for something?” a husky voice calls out.
before you’d even touched the backward door, you spin on your heel to find jason there. blunt burning between his fingers as he leaned against his car.
“yeah actually.” as you approach him, “you.”
his face stays the same as he takes another drag. eyes not lifting from you and the same stoic look on them.
“so, you found me.” he says as he blows the smoke out. the grey clouding around him and the sour smell of marijuana radiating off of him. heady in the way that distracts you.
you nod like it means something and lean next to him. “you always seem to smoke in the same spot so if you were trying to hide, should try harder.”
jason sighs and stretches his shoulders, “i guess i’m getting predictable.”
the moment pauses as you try to decipher the meaning in his words. “i didn’t say it was a bad thing.”
his eyes meet yours as he pushes off the wall. “neither did i.”
making quick work to ash out his barely lit joint, he flicks it away as he pivots and moves to go back inside without even a glance towards your direction. something in your stomach twists. you frown to yourself before deciding to ask him.
“did i do something wrong?”
jason turns his head just enough to look at you. his hand still on the door as he pulls it open. the smile that he gives you barely reaches his eyes as that same exhaustion you’d seen earlier had returned.
“nah ma, you didn’t do anything.”
then the door follows behind him, leaving you in the cold air to think to yourself. just long enough to decide that you should go home and give the both of you some space.
space you knew would eat away at your sanity.
luckily, you’re not much of a drinker so waking up early wasn’t hard to do after last night.
getting to gordon’s presentation on his new paper was easier than your morning practicals, at least today. naturally as his assistant and amateur researcher, you’d been invited to attend the gala thrown by the sponsors.
by the time you arrived, the guests were set up and the audience was packed. gordon’s standing by the bar with some of the law professors, holding a darkened drink that was definitely bitter and pretentious. a select few men with their hair slicked back had gathered around where gordon stood. conversing and laughing in a pitch that exhibited more wealth than you’d ever known.
your heels were already killing you as you walked off the subway since they had to host this on the upper east side of town. you tug at your neatly arranged dress and step forward to mingle like you were supposed to. forced to talk to the people that funded gordon’s PhD and his years of research that every other person had found ridiculous.
the sound of your name being called made you turn towards it.
“when’d you get here sweetheart?” gordon smiled as he gestured you towards the rest of them.
he was always such a strong and respected figure that you saw him like a parent. since your first year, you’d taken classes with him and his years of extensive police work had drawn you in. gordon might’ve pushed you really hard like he wanted you to do well because he really did. in the back of his mind he knew you were brilliant and wanted to nourish it before you finally graduated.
that’s why you had a full year of research assistance under your belt thanks to him.
the men around him parted for you and you exchanged a gentle hello. “i just got here actually.”
he nods, “good. great timing. i’d like you to meet some people!” gesturing towards the people in crisp suits with swirling glasses. “this is clifford devoe.”
the name rang bells immediately from how poorly gordan talked about him in private to you. gordans eyes looked to you then to the man again, silently saying a thousand words. you fill in the blanks for him and offer your hand to clifford when he raises his to take yours.
“you must be the generous one the university appointed. it’s so nice to finally meet you.”
with your hand gently taken into his hand, the feeling of unease that radiated off of him was unmistakable. you hide the grimace that he caused when he repeats your name to you.
“hm, yes.” still holding your hand a moment too long. dragging his eyes over you before letting you pull away. “i’ve seen what you’d contributed to the study on adolescent rehabilitation and prison reform. truly sickening that we still debate the human nature of criminals.”
you’re sure you’re failing terribly at hiding your distaste now. “don’t you think it’s a little silly to attribute it all to human nature?”
from beside you gordan seems to purse his lips. though clifford scoffs and smiles small, “of course a young woman such as yourself would think so as if that’s some revolutionary thought.” laughing through his words.
the condescension was clear from his rude mouth. you could taste the bitterness he spewed.
you hum, “why of course a man such as yourself would believe no one is redeemable but himself.”
from beside him, the black haired man in the suit catches your eye briefly before chuckling into his glass. narrowing your eyes at the shape of his eyebrows because they were just so familiar, the thick arches that mimicked wings. it reminded you of jason and his thick set brows that were studiously perfect without having touched them.
gordon clears his throat and nudges you softly before saying your name to change the subject.
“have you seen the completed poster with all the statistics? it looks really great, let me show you.”
before you can say anything else, he’s already been walking away, turning his head to look at you just to ensure you’re following him. with a polite and contrasting goodbye, you take your leave. feeling proud of yourself as
when you get to the poster, gordon’s standing there squinting like he’s got something bad to say. but he just shakes his head and points to the men you’d left at the bar, still conversing like no tension had ever raised.
“he pays for the damn project sweetheart, we can’t insult him no matter how much of an ass he may be.”
you shrug and sigh before mumbling. “at least not to his face right?”
despite the situation, gordan laughs. “yeah, at least not to his face.” patting your back and turning the both of you towards the poster. “now, did i tell you that they approved you as a peer-reviewed scholar once you’ve graduated?”
looking towards the statistics scattered across the large poster, you saw all the datasets you’d condensed. all the graphs and charts that you’d made and the spreadsheets that made you feel like you were losing brain cells. you didn’t think you’d get being a contributor to research paper on your record too. just being an assistant was enough. with a tilt of your head at the meticulous pie chart you made so long ago you forgot about, you hum.
“but i’m not gonna be here so how could i contribute anything anyway?”
he shakes your shoulder gently, the way the father would when he’s proud but doesn’t wanna say it with words aloud. “it won’t publish until october.”
that stopped your mind from thinking about anything else but what just came out of his mouth.
eyes widening as you turn to him. “wait, really?”
this would set you apart from other applicants in your graduate program and give you a better chance at getting into it.
he smiles with crinkles around his eyes and nods because you’d only been talking about this since you started. also because someone had already mentioned your interest to him.
“do i get any credit for that part of it?” a voice from behind you sound a d you turn to face it.
but you didn’t expect for it to be bruce wayne.
you blink at your friends dad that you’d only seen a handful of times before. now you recall how he was sat at the bar earlier, just his eyes visible and the realization of how they looked having distracted you enough. still you smile and lean forward to take his hand when he offers it.
“mr. wayne, it’s so nice to see you. i didn’t think you’d be here.”
his hand was firm and certain. righteous in a way that he radiated the energy even when you would just briefly see him.
“gordon invited me along with a couple business partners. it’s good to see you again. what’s it been? 2 years?” bruce gives a small smile while he places his drink on the table next to you. looking to gordon, bruce switches his gaze between him and the poster, “i’ve been thinking, you could go back as commissioner and implement these ideas yourself gordon.”
a snort escapes gordon as he shakes his head, “no way, and leave my cushiony tenure position?” laughing as he gestures to the poster. “you see the bridge in socioeconomic status and educational attainment? those positions don’t require degrees. they just need intelligence and compassion that comes naturally. you got a knack for those bruce.”
the two of them share a knowing glance before someone approaches gordon to ask about something with his focus group, taking away his attention. he excuses himself before he leaves you there with bruce. for a moment, it’s quiet while bruce watches the party, taking slow sips of his bourbon.
you watch with him, noticing how the people in this party were mostly the types who didn’t need to worry about these things. about the ones that are unfairly prosecuted or treated as villainous for trying to survive. no one in this room held that title the way you’d seen women and men alike being pressed. surveillance was created by them for them, to protect them.
that’s what made you want to get involved in gordon’s study. a chance to use theory and practice in a way that actually mattered.
“you think very loudly.” bruce suddenly says.
your head turns to his, still looking out at the people conversing and moving about. she’s trained over nothing and everything at once.
“my bad,” you laugh nervously.
he only shoots you another smile, “don’t be. your mind is brilliant and meant to think. don’t burn yourself out doing it too much. it’s a habit i’ve yet to get my sons to figure out too.”
sons. right.
nodding your head, you change the subject. “you know gordon pretty well?”
he nods too. “knew him back when he was still an officer. the man is a saint personified.”
distracted from the topic at hand, you try to stay focused, nodding along and silently staring at where bruce’s eyes were trained. though bruce is incredibly attentive, and he immediately notices how you’d been looking. fixing his watch that didn’t need any adjusting as he speaks.
“dick tells me jason misses you.”
nearly choking on your spit, you look to bruce again, forgetting to not look so surprised. “what?”
behind his professionalism, something turns warmer. “he’s taking academics more seriously. i’ve always told him he’s got the smarts when he puts his mind to it but i’m sure you’ve seen how shrugs it off.”
not knowing what to say, you nod him along.
“…he even applied for a couple graduate programs thanks to you and got into them all across the country.” lifting his glass and sipping.
“i didn’t know he applied.” you admit.
“it’s force of habit i guess,” he shrugs. “he didn’t even tell me when he got into gotham university. just started attending classes and brushed it off like it was no big deal which i assure you, it is.”
frowning at his fathers admission, “that’s kinda sad. he’s probably the smartest person i know.”
suddenly bruce smiles at you, his grin something more of fond remembrance. he adjusts his suit and sniffs just audible enough for you to notice. then his smile falls as he meets the eye of someone across from the room and they wave to one another.
“if you see my son, please let him know for me that his bike has been replaced. and that i need him to answer the phone when i call him.” touching your wrist softly and bidding you goodbye.
with nothing to say or actualize the fact with, you’d turned your attention back to the poster. the words swirling themselves until you’d forgotten what the last year collecting was about.
suddenly you’re glad there’s noone around to ask you about it, cause you’re not sure you’d know.
“dude just back that shit up on me.” grayson coos.
from in front of him, wally groans. “no dude, it’s not gonna fit in there anyways. just ask someone else to.”
“i’ll make it fit just shut up and do it.”
on the couch a phone rings. both of the boys ignore it and instead continuing muttering at the other. taking turns groaning as wally pushes the desk, hal shakes his head from the other side of the room.
“you guys know you could do this literally anywhere else.”
“and you could help, you know?” grayson sighs as he drops the horribly built ikea desk wally built. looking hal up and down, dick furrows his brow. “why are you even dressed like that?”
brushing off his shirt with absolutely no lint on it, hal smooths out the folds in his button up. grinning from ear to ear like a kid who’d won a prize. “I have a date.”
the boys all turn to look at him.
“oh,” wally lets the desk back on the ground, ignoring how grayson groans when it hits his foot. “a hot date huh? she got a friend?”
like perfectly horrible timing, jason’s walking into the living room. to grab his phone he’d forgotten that had unknowingly been ringing and buzzing. his eyes fall on hal on the chair immediately, trailing up his form with sharp eyes. dick clears his throat at the sight.
“your phones been ringing.” he simply says.
“yeah, i heard.” jason murmurs as he clears past hal wordlessly and heads straight to the kitchen as though he wanted nothing to do with him.
as though his very being annoyed him enough that he couldn’t spare him a glance right now. the sudden presence and departure of jason had thrown the energy of the room off for a moment, not because of him but how far hals discomfort radiated. wally takes a long look between grayson and hal before nodding towards where jason had disappeared behind the wall of.
“what’s his problem?” he sits next to hal on the couch, legs going up lazily on the coffee table.
hal opened his mouth to fill in the blanks, but grayson chimes in first, his eyes trained pointedly on hal as he answers wally. “his girl left him for some douchebag in a frat.”
awkwardly the air fills as wally nods. “right…”
“i’m gonna uh—” hal stands and leaves his cup on the table. “head out now. i’m picking her up and all.”
perched on the ikea desk, grayson nods with an expression that looks disapproving. “i expect you back around midnight cinderella. no hooking up on your first date.”
wally snorts, “hasn’t stopped him before.”
“shut up west.” effectively cutting through the tension again and reminding him who he was speaking about. “i’m serious, i’m putting the latch on after.”
the other two stay silent. hal nodding knowingly before grabbing his key and leaving them with a quiet goodbye. wally furrows his brows only minutes later as he contemplates. while the room drifts back into a silence and grayson leaves to check the kitchen only to find it empty, wally itches his chin.
“gray?” mumbling vaguely.
he hums in acknowledgment as he types away on his phone.
“is the girl he’s going out with jason’s girl?”
that gets him to look up from his phone and bring his hand out. hovering over wally’s forehead before flicking him with a sharp seething sound from his lips. grayson huffs.
“no shit sherlock. now stop straining yourself and get off your ass, get move this desk out of my living room.”
this entire situation was so fucked.
the night had hardly started and hal already fucked up in ways you knew jason would never. when he messaged you about confirming the date, he wouldn’t say where it would be. so instead, you opted to ask what to wear.
big. fucking. mistake.
never ask a man what to where to any occasion because they will give you false, misleading information and clearly hal jordan was no exception.
he told you to dress casual, something everyday, he said. thankfully you chose to wear a simple black dress otherwise you’d be entirely underdressed for this fancy restaurant he took you to. now he’s sitting across from you, flipping through the menu gracefully like he’s a food connoisseur. occasionally humming as he reads out the name of the dish to you.
“would you like the house caviar? it’s genuinely the best thing you’ll find in the tri-state area.” eyes twinkling beautifully under the romantic ambience lighting.
if it were any other period of your life, you might really, truly like him. the way he took charge and pushed to ask you out was hot. he found a way to wiggle into your life and he took what he wanted. hal was good looking, smart, and he had a good head on his shoulders. but somehow you found yourself looking into his eyes like they were interesting. found yourself staring at the orange illuminating his skin like it were the most familiar thing, and watching the flames flicker in his eyes.
staring at the flames that reminded you of him.
the warmth grew on your skin as his face morphed everytime you blinked and the love ached. your heart ached at the thought of him.
he touches your hand, “you okay?”
“huh?” you shut your eyes and look back at him quickly, shaking the distraction off. “sorry i missed what you asked.”
his thumb strokes the back of your hand soothingly. the action grounds you from the thoughts the swirled. “if you’d like caviar to try. the mussels are insane here too.”
shooting him a reassuring smile, you shake your head. “oh um, sure. whatever you’d like.”
“but would you like it?” he counters.
“probably not.” you answer honestly. “sorry.”
he smiles, “don’t apologize. it’s good to know though, next time i’ll take you somewhere not fish related.”
vaguely you nod and try to smile though you’re sure it comes out insincere. hal only frowns and squeezes your hand like he’d known you’d needed some reassurance to guide your thoughts.
“hey we can still go home.” suddenly he says. “i mean i don’t want to, shit i don’t care if jason mopes around and cries himself to sleep. i know what i want and that’s you.”
you blink slowly, letting his declaration find footing in your mind. technically he was right. you had these second thoughts because you weren’t even sure of this date would go ahead or if hal really did like you. it’s almost like he reads your mind when he tilts his head to look harder at you.
“—he doesn’t decide if we like eachother. i’d be damned if i let him get in the way of me and pretty girl just cause he fumbled her.”
the waiter comes by before you can speak through your parted lips and offers more wine. hal smiles and nods at the waiter, his warm hand still holding yours. it only occurred then that you were the one making this awkward, not him. the waiter pours your drinks and hal lifts his with his free hand, gesturing you to do the same. clinking the glasses, he swirls the cup and sips, his eyes trained on yours as you mirror him.
setting his drink back down and letting you take your hand back, hal orders for the both of you. part of you wasn’t sure how to feel, him taking that initiative to place an order of what you’d like to eat but also partially annoyed that he’d assumed what you’d like. or maybe he just did what he pleased. regardless, you were kind of glad he’d said something to the waiter cause the names of the dishes on this menu was absolutely insane. continually you look around the space, taking in the gorgeous lighting and the artwork that definitely costs thousands to maintain here. he watches your face while you stare at the tapestry behind him.
“do you like art then?”
you nod your head, still looking at the painting behind him. “i can appreciate it for sure.”
his eyes don’t falter, still staring at you while you’re looking around. “so can i.”
when you look to him, he’s got his head in one of his hands, smiling fainting with those dimples just deep enough to notice. he blinks at you, still giddy. “don’t mind me. i’m taking it in.”
you raise a brow at him. “taking in me or this place?”
“would it be wrong if i said both?”
heat rushes to his ears as soon as the words leave his mouth. it only makes you feel like imploding from how sweet he was being. fighting the urge to smile until he breaks into a soft laughter and you return the same. shaking your head and looking up the the chandelier hanging just next to you again. hal follows your gaze.
“you’ve looked at that chandelier at least eight times now.” this time looking with you like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.
“sorry,” you laugh. “i haven’t been anywhere this nice before.”
he tops off your drinks and leans his elbows on the table in improper etiquette. “don’t worry about apologizing. i’m not much fancy restaurant guy myself.”
pointedly, you eye him. his effortlessly handsome outfit and his crisp button up shirt. you narrow your eyes at him. “could’ve fooled me jordan.”
“hey,” he raises his hands in surrender. “i don’t even know what these forks are for. i usually like eating with the little one at home.”
a genuine smile returns on your face as you lean closer just as he’s been. “i’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be a sign of neurodivergence.”
“a fork?” he challenges. “you know what, you’re smart and pretty, i believe anything you say.”
lightly you smack his arm and shake your head, calling him stupid with no malice as you sipped your drink. after a couple more minutes, the waiter comes out with your food. as soon as you take a bite, you look up at him wide eyed and make a sound of approval.
hal smiles like he’s won the lottery. “yeah? it’s good?”
with your eyes still closed now, you shake your head and chew. “very good.”
pushing your plate to him, he laughs and takes a forkful to try. only seconds later moaning egregiously enough that the older people in the tables next to you have dirty looks.
“this, is better than sex.” he admits more loudly than he needs to.
“really selling yourself short there,” you laughed.
blinking he laughs. “i mean, sex is objectively good right. but if the girls not feeling it then it’s never good. as a man, i’m objectively not as good as this pasta.”
this only makes you laugh harder. “that still didn’t make any sense.”
your mind eases off of jason for a while as he presses you for information about school and your future. he listens so intently that it makes you feel respected and valued. though this doesn’t last long because you’re left thinking about jason again before you’re trying to shake it off to no avail. the comparisons were hard to ignore.
hal had ordered the caviar he was anxiously wanted you to try and reluctantly you’d made some excuse not to. hal shrugs and eats the rest while you’re not sure whether to be endeared or slightly horrified. but even this wasn’t an issue.
the problem was exactly that. hal jordan had no red flags for you to focus on. nothing for you to say so you could argue that you weren’t ready or that he was rude enough to warrant never seeing him again. he was quite the opposite of being crude. the date was far from terrible. he’d picked you up from your place and even came up to your floor to walk you down. flowers waited for you on the passenger seat once he got you there.
even after the dinner was over and hal had paid for the bill, he wrapped his coat around you and respectfully walked you of the building with a hovering hand. still unsure if he could touch you but not ready enough to ask to. he held the door open as he let you back into his car. drove you back to your apartment and walked you up the stairs all over again. shamefully, all you could backtrack to was jason. all you could imagine was the parallels to jason at your front door, waiting for you to open it. now you were opening your heart to a boy you didn’t pay much mind to a month ago, no matter how physically attractive he was.
but hal had no problems to blame your inability to fall into to. no real issues to back up this feeling that he wasn’t yours because he isn’t jason.
you unlock your front door and push it open, standing in he doorway with the lillies he’d bought you. he stands behind you with his hands in his pocket and a sweet smile that should’ve made you melt, instead you felt like stone.
“thank you for tonight hal. i had a lot of fun.”
shrugging and nodding with that perfect, unfamiliar look on his face, he speaks. “i did too. i really hope i can take you out again soon, maybe something less fancy? this time i can cook for you?”
the thought only made you swirl further.
distant memories that felt closer than before reappeared. jason cooking in your kitchen with a soft hum coming from his throat as he chopped and stirred. him feeding you something saucy and cheesy before he kissed your lips to wipe the residue off. his hands travelling down your thighs while he pressed against you with his lame apron still on. his voice by your ear saying all the sweet things you’d ever wanted to hear. now you wanted to vomit.
you nod, looking into each of hal’s eyes and letting him lean in closer as he stares at your lips. the intention was clear and you felt frozen in place. he leans further in and presses his soft lips to yours, deepening it as his hand came up to hold your head. though you don’t love from your place. you didn’t reach out to touch his head back or let go of the flowers. instead your grip loosened a little and you let your head go a little limp as he held you closer, though his lips somehow felt colder than the last ones you’d touched. then he pulls away, gasping slightly and smiling with his eyes closed.
“you’re so perfect.” he whispers before he kisses your cheek and pulls away. “good night gorgeous.”
watching as his footsteps depart and you stand there with the flowers hanging low, petals facing the floor. after a minute you quietly slip into your house, a new sense of discomfort bubbling. you shut the door behind you and lean against it, flows slipping from your fingers and hitting the floor with a soft thud. a shudder runs though you.
you’re not sure how many minutes are spent like this, thoughts swirling you around and taking root in your mind. the thoughts of jason and unease guilt that you didn’t believe you should even harbour. somehow you felt angry, not with hal, and not even with jason, but with yourself.
slow, hot years rush down your cheeks as you bury your head in your hands.
what the fuck were you doing?
the door shuts behind him with a thud, a soft groan on his lips as he slips his shoes off.
everyone should be asleep in the frat house now. it’s nearly 1am and he’s lucky grayson didn’t lock hal out. but there’s a light on in the kitchen, and something told him he wasn’t going to be let off so easily.
quietly hal creeps toward the kitchen, pulling off his belt as he approaches and leaves it on the table in the hall like he’d had a long day at work.
“how’s your date?” a voice grumbles.
hal nearly jumps, “jeez, fuck—jason? what’re you doing up?”
from the dining table jason grumbles again. dimly lit but just visible enough, hal spots a beer and a ashtray in front of him. “couldn’t sleep.”
stalking a little closer, hal turns on another light. “waiting up for me to get home i assume?”
“doesn’t matter,” he quickly answers. “whatever forget i asked.” getting up and throwing his beer out.
hal only stands there, watching him move and murmuring a quiet, “alright then…”
then jason turns around. he freezes in the doorway before he turns to hal, something on his face that meant he was serious. “just don’t… hurt her, alright?”
“you mean like you did?” crossing his arms across his chest as he blankly stares at jason.
“yeah,” jason agrees, his eyes shining with a soft sheen that told hal he was clearly emotional while he was out. then he resorts to threatening. “don’t do what i did cause i swear to god i’ll make you regret it jordan.”
though hal sees how he seemed defensive without any real malice. jason seems genuinely sad as though he’s realized what he done just as he was weeks ago, moping around the house. this time he only seemed defeated, and it didn’t seem worth it to keep dragging jason’s past along.
easing back toward the table, hal shrugs him off. “look man,” he sighs, “you don’t have anything to worry about.”
jason perks up a little as he look back up again. “what do you mean?”
“i mean,” shuffling his feet as he mentally prepares himself to reassure jason. “she seemed distracted the whole night. like she’s in her own head thinking about something else. it wasn’t until we got to her apartment that she—”
before he knew it jason was in his face, dangerously close. “you went to her home?” anger in his tone.
“i didn’t go into her home, i just dropped her off to her front door. no big deal. it’s not like we fucked or anything.”
his mouth opens and closes again like he’s going to ask him something but he doesn’t. instead he takes a backwards step and nods slowly. “right. good. you should be seeing her get home. it’s uh, safer that way.”
squinting his eyes like jason was entirely transparent despite how he tried to make himself seem, hal shakes his head. the tension falls from its rising crescendo and hal leans onto the table as jason anxiously taps his foot. the two of them unsure how to proceed from here. then grayson walks into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing at his eyes.
“you idiots whisper yell very loudly.” turning his head to hal to hone in on him. “didn’t i say be back earlier?”
“well you don’t lock the door.” shooting a cheeky smile that grayson doesn’t find amusing.
jason uses the opportunity to excuse himself and takes a bottle of water from the fridge. tugging on the drawstrings of his hoodie as he walks out. “night.”
the two boys return the sentiment and grayson turns back to hal, before jason is too far to miss their words. “how’d it go? you kiss her?”
from the staircase, jason stayed put there and held his breath. waiting for hal’s response to what he knew he had no right to be angry over. the milliseconds it takes him to respond felt like an eternity to jason.
hal chuckles quietly, “it went good. really good. i’m gonna take her out again next week.”
grayson nods expectantly. “you didn’t answer the second part.”
“yeah,” hal starts with a fond smile on his face, “i kissed her.”
letting out a slow, controlled breath from his nose, jason stares into the abyss ahead of him. at the dark unlit hallway that lead to his room and stalks towards it without thinking about it.
he doesn’t stay long enough to hear what his brother says and goes straight to his room.
the ethics lecture was the most boring one they’d gone over and you wished you slept in.
students had fallen asleep on their desk across the lecture hall, theatre seating giving you great view to see what everyone was up to. you were still distracted from the events of the last week and how you’d done a date with hal only two days prior.
the thing is, you hadn’t told anyone about it yet. you hadn’t seen cassandra or grayson. hell you hasn’t even heard roy’s loud mouth in a week let alone seen jason.
now you were finishing up your notes and cross referencing it to the readings to understand what concepts overlapped. highlighting the theories that worked in contemporary cases and found something to discredit it for your final paper coming up. the professor spoke quickly as he went through the importance of ethics as a researcher. how you’d need to inform the participant of their role in your work and how they play an important part in pinpointing change.
how it was your job to be honest and responsible. to ensure you’ve spoke nothing but the truth to the people you’d involved. all you wanted now was to talk to jason. not that you’re sure what you’d say, just that his voice could ease your mind from everything else.
once the lecture is over, you’re the first one to leave. a sweet treat and coffee was in order for the fruits of your labour today—getting out of bed and going to a lecture.
the cafe air is always warm and inviting. the scent of arabian beans and baked goods drawing you closer to the counter. it’s a blessing that it’s located right at the edge of campus too, so when the library was too packed, you’d head here.
you take your drink and a house made brownie to head to the booth seat by the window. watching the clear blue sky and listening to the chatter in the cafe. you pull out your laptop and notebook, cracking your knuckles in anticipation for what awaits you and how much studying you needed to catch up on. no matter how hard you prepared, there was always more to do in university. plus, being a research assistant meant you’d have to push your work work aside to aid in a project.
though right as you open a new tab and click your pen, you see him.
jason walked into the store with his headphones on and his bag slung over his shoulder. he heads straight for the booth in front of you and ouuuu track his movements without making it obvious. though when he passes by your table, he slows down. his eyes fall over you as fast as he looked away, and you feel a sense of disappointment wash over you. then, he just slides into his seat and all you can see is his hair poking out the top of the booth from tall he is in comparison.
why were you disappointed that he didn’t really say hi, you’re the one who kinda ghosted him.
to yourself you blink. at the laptop you blink harder. no, you’re not being crazy right? why didn’t he reach out anyway? is this all justified to him like he doesn’t really even care? you guys have been studying together for a while now, and he always joins you so boyfriend or not, why didn’t he? aren’t you guys friends?
you’re standing up before you know it, grabbing your things and roughly shoving it in your bag. the reasoning had convinced you enough that he was the one being weird because he totally was. didn’t jason even say you did nothing wrong the other night?
“hey,” you say standing next to his booth.
he lifts his headphone from one ear, “uh hi.”
“why didn’t you sit with me?”
blinking as he pauses his music, jason slides his headphones off and gestures you to sit. quietly you do.
“i assumed you were busy.” he says as you sit.
“i wasn’t.” more timidly than you intended to.
he shrugs slightly, “it looked like you were.”
for a moment you still. maybe you were right. maybe he doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. but why won’t he just say it out loud?
jason fiddles with his headphones for a second before he decides the grain of the wooden table was more interesting. you however, weren’t amused. in fact, you were quite confused as to why he’d been avoiding you entirely.
“was it something that i said?“ plainly, you ask.
jason sighs and looks you in the eyes fully for the first time since you sat down. “we haven’t talked in days, what could you have said?”
“exactly,” nodding his sentiment along, “you’ve been avoiding me and i can’t figure out why…”
“i’ve just been busy.” he lies.
“liar.” you call him out. “we have the same classes.”
with his hands, he gestures slyly. “look,” not realizing how his tone gave him away. “you didn’t say anything wrong.”
“so i did something then.” you correct.
jason grumbles and says your name. “no, now you’re putting words in my mouth. we, you and i, we’re good. you don’t owe me anything ma. i just want you to be happy.”
the nickname makes your stomach flutter regardless. jason looks to his phone to a message from roy and sighs before standing up again.
but you’re thinking over the meaning behind his words. i just want you to be happy. you don’t owe me anything. where the hell was that coming from?
“i gotta go.” shoving his headphones into his bag and getting out of the booth.
“oh, already?” you try and fail to hide your disappointment.
he only nods, “i’ll see you around princess.”
then he walks off.
the meaning behind his words only swirled you more confused. the thoughts filling your mind and sending mixed signals throughout. his sudden cold demeanour had you thinking and overthinking, letting them sink through the fabric of your clothes and onto your skin like a brand you felt shameful wearing as it clicked.
fuck, jason knew.
—
“you’ve gotta be kidding me.”
grayson has always been terrible at hiding his actual feelings with you. he could hardly even mask it as he stretches his legs out for his run and shakes his head.
“you’re still in love with him. of course you are! you guys are both playing racket ball with my last couple of brain cells.” pulling his leg behind him into a deep stretch.
burying your face in the pillow on his bed, you try not to scream.
lucky jason wasn’t home according to grayson. he had gone up to the cottage to grab his bike apparently and decided to spend the weekend there so he wouldn’t be back until monday.
folding to lay his palms flat in the ground, he effortlessly continues. “i never liked the hal thing for the record. i’d prefer keeping you in the family.”
“gray, you’re not helpful at all.” you murmur from his pillow.
sighing, he stands upright. “alright. fine. you tell me then.” striding closer and ruffling you hair obnoxiously. “do you really love him?”
from the pillows you lift your head and look up at his watchful eyes, a arch in his brow that demanded honesty. slowly you nod.
“i think he made me understand what it means and i’ll always want him.” you admit.
grayson shakes his head at your response as you sit upright. “that’s not what i asked though. do you love him? because if you’re using hal to move on, that’s a disservice to both of you. hal and yourself.”
“not jason?” you raise a brow.
“nope.” he quickly answers. “that boy made his bed the first time he messed with you. everything else is fair game in my mind.”
that pulls a genuine laugh out of you. his honesty only making his statement funnier to you.
“aye, i’m serious. jason hurt you once, so i’m not sweating you trying to move on, even if it’s a little fast for you.” patting your shoulder softly as he moves back towards the door.
though a sinking guilt still held you, he made you feel a little better. “thanks gray.”
“anytime,” he smiles. “now you have no excuse to miss the party i’m throwing you.”
everything in your face drops, both in disbelief and shock. “for me? what?”
this only makes him smile wider. “ha, perfect keep that surprised face when everyone shows up. it’s not everyday someone gets into grad school like haven’t been gushing over it since their first year.”
before you can grumble his name or protest another party after last weekends where jason vaguely told you, “you did nothing ma.” grayson is already out the door. stomping down the stairs as his open door lets the sound of his voice travel.
“wear something nice please!”
the walk over to the frat house was obnoxious as the campus was packed. people gathered across the field with drinks and blankets, music and loud students celebrating their final days on campus.
there was no choice for you but to attend since grayson practically forced you to go.
opening the door to the house was where you saw just how much bigger this party was than he told you. loud music and synthetic smoke mixed to create a barrier that could make you feel intoxicated just by being there.
by the stairs, there was a group of people lounging and smoking. a huge bong between them and a couple joints being passed between the group. then there was people just standing near the door, lingering and talking. mostly flirting. in the living room was a game of spin the bottle and another group dancing to dancehall.
you hear your name being called just seconds before someone hands you a drink and you gracefully accept. grayson approaches you and eyes the cup.
“what’re you doing accepting random drinks when i made you a special punch eh?” wrapping his arm around your shoulder and walking you both towards the kitchen.
you laugh as he spins you by your finger and whistles at your outfit. “you actually listened and wore a skirt.”
gushing beside him is donna, roy’s arm lazily around her waist. “oh my god. you look so hot!”
taking in her attire you admire her. her black dress with sparkles that looked stars in a night sky. she was so effortlessly gorgeous.
“thanks.” you smile. “so are you. that dress is made for you.”
donna laughs and picks up a solo cup, handing it to grayson to pour as roy nods his head at you. then he whispers in her ear and grayson steals your attention once again bu handing you a full cup of punch that you just knew was 90% alcohol and 10% punch.
“this, my beautiful friend, is made solely for you.”
clinking his plastic cup with yours before taking a swig. reluctantly you do the same, taking a long sip of the drink made to inebriate you clearly. the taste made you wince and shake your head, hanging your tongue out of your mouth as you grimace.
“what did you put in this grayson?” you wince.
he laughs and rubs your back as you cough. “oh you know, seltzer, lime, vodka, don’t worry about it. it’s mean to get you drunk and let loose before you’re in that stuck up institution without me.”
“you’re in an institution right now.” you blink.
for a moment he thinks, then he shrugs. “whatever, did you eat yet?”
“uh. not dinner if that’s what you mean.”
he tsks at you and opens the cabinet, tossing a protein bar at you. you catch it and eye the bar before his face like you’d asked, why without saying the words. he gets it of course.
“cause i don’t want you puking at a party meant for you. so eat it please.” he kisses the back of your head dramatically and you could already tell just how drunk he was.
humourlessly, you let out a small laugh and shake your head. but you don’t miss when grayson catches roy’s eye. he tilts his head and mouths something that you would’ve missed if his distraction had worked. roy looks to grayson and shrugs, and his words you can make out.
i don’t know.
“girl,” donna snaps you out of your trance. “you look too good to stand around. dragging you out of the kitchen by your wrists.
you’re still sipping your drink as she pulls you over, needing the liquid courage to get you right to cope with this. she’s pulling you into the empty space and starting to dance a little while you rest your drink on the table. swaying her hips next to yours and humming thoughtfully to the song.
“come on!” she laughs and you can’t help but laugh too.
the liquid swirling you with more confidence as you start to raise your hands and let the beat thump through your body. slowly, you bring your arms up and up your body, swaying and letting your hair fall behind you. donna’s got her hands on your hips experimentally, moving you around and whooping. you play along and grind on her like she’s your man here. then you see stephanie and cassandra just lounging by the couches and you gesture them over.
they rise and dance with eachother, inching closer until all you could smell radiating off of everyone nearby was the intoxicating marijuana and alcohol that ruined you like no other.
but the name didn’t stick, and the blunt from between cassandra’s fingers made its way to your lips as she placed it there. smiling at you and loudly saying, “i’m glad you left your house smarty pants.”
you roll your eyes and blow out the smoke, the sensations intensifying as you grew more intoxicated. leaning closer to her face, you whisper yell, “why don’t you go dance with your girlfriend yeah?”
cassandra laughs and offers you another hit that you so gracefully accept, twirling as you take a long drag and pass it back over. she moves her way back towards stephanie and does the same in putting the blunt between her lips. you catch stephanie hollowing her cheeks and urging her closer, blowing the smoke right in her mouth.
you couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that rose inside you. what they had, you wanted so badly. you practically had it with jason, but now your here swirling in your thoughts because a smell and an action now attributed itself to him in your mind. slowly you sway over and slow your dancing, the thoughts filling you up in a way you hated.
a hand grazes your side and spins you to face them. a smile on his face that practically echoed his intentions.
“hey gorgeous.” hal greets you. “you look real good.”
you blink up at him, a little tipsy and definitely a little high. the cross fade making you open enough to lower your inhibitions. you smile back.
“hi hal, so do you.” letting his hands go around your waist so he could move with you slowly.
the people around you are grinding on eachother, but you knew well enough that that’s not why you wanted. instead, you move his hands that travelled lower and place them on your waist. he doesn’t even question it and lets you use him for support as you grabbed your cup and took another sip.
from the corner of your eye you see a girl touching up on a guy, his back turned so all you could see was the ripple of hard muscle under his shirt. but the way he moved was too familiar.
your breath hitched as you watched the scene unfold.
the redheaded girl dragged her hand down his chest as he turns to the side, one of his hands hovering over hers and the other flat at his side. she’s mouthing something close to his ear and he tilts his head to hear it. the air from the room felt like it was being sucked out as you saw his face. the girl giggles as jason whispers back, and you feel your heart pounding in your chest.
quickly you turn away and take a giant gulp. unknowingly you had been gripping at hal’s chest and he had just let you. his eyes followed where yours had led and he frowns slightly as you pull away to down your drink.
“you okay?” he suddenly asks.
you clear your throat. “yeah, i’m fine,” fake smiling to sell your words.
“don’t do that,” he rasps in your ear. “it’s okay to still love him.”
that takes you back and you look up to him, his hands still locked around your waist.
“what?” you quietly say.
he smiles like it’s the easiest thing. “you heard me. it’s not a crime to be in love. hell, he’s a lucky guy to have a girl like you.”
the implication made your face burn. he knew you’d been in love with jason all this time, but he didn’t want to make you feel bad about it.
your lips part as you rasp his name as though in apology. though hal just shakes his head.
“it’s okay, i’m fine. i knew you liked him all this time, i kinda thought i could get you to understand there was more out there. part of me just always knew.” smiling sweetly.
taking a moment to look into his eyes, you gauge his sincerity. hal only mirrors everything he said because he meant it deeply, and that somehow made it worse. you feel your heart twist.
“i’m sorry,” voice breathy as you purse your lips.
he just smiles and shakes his head, looking up to where jason was before he spins you around. “let’s dance over there yeah?”
feeling his energy shift, you frown at him and turn around anyways. and you could feel your heart breaking into couple dozen pieces. the girl had her hands in his hair as though they’d just kissed, and you’re standing here feeling like an idiot as she runs her fingers through jason’s hair.
suddenly this party didn’t feel so fun anymore. a small sigh escapes you as you abruptly turn back around to hal, hand touching his chest like you needed it to keep you sane. he clasps his hand over yours and tilts your head up at him.
“it’s okay,” he whispers close by your ear. “you can show him what he’s missing.”
before you could ask what he’d met, he lowers his face to yours and presses his lips against you. a gentle peck meant to prove something that you weren’t even sure you wanted to show. a muffled sound of surprise gets swallowed by his as he deepens the kiss, opening one of his eyes just to see if jason was looking. you feel him smile against your lips as your wide eyes watch his, looking past you to ensure that jason knew exactly what he meant by what he’d been missing.
jason never wanted to come to this party. he’d told grayson as much when called him and told him to stay longer at the cottage because he didn’t want him to bother you.
he was happy for you of course. the fact that you’d gotten into the school of your choice and got what you’d deserve was everything he could have ever hoped for. you were the one person he was sure deserved every part of this.
though jason couldn’t stay in those four walls any longer and not think about how close he was to having you again.
the memories rang like church bells on a sunday morning. there was no escaping it.
now he’s come back to the frat house to go rot in his room when he found that someone already made their way up here and stole his bong. entirely annoyed and grumpy over many different reasons, he made his way downstairs, still in his black tee and grey sweatpants like he didn’t belong there.
as soon as he’s met with the scent of alcohol, jason grimaces from the last time he’d been drinking and recalled the events. he moves his way towards the living room to get away from all the things mixed in the punch that’s was in the kitchen.
though only two steps into the living room, he sees you—dancing. a slight wick of sweat on your brow as you moved carefree, hands on your friends shoulders while her hands were in the air. the way you moved was intoxicating enough for him. the air tightened and the room quieted as he saw you there and jason felt himself moving closer without even realizing, just magnetized to you especially now.
he made it a point to see who else was nearby, watching stephanie take cassandra’s hand and dance closer. then he averted his gaze to the men by the wall and saw the one person he definitely didn’t want to see.
hal fucking jordan.
the blood in his veins boiled for reasons he didn’t want to voice. something tore through his skin like it wanted to break free and grab him by the collar. part of jason wanted to physically fight him, no reason than for how close he’d gotten to you. but you kissed him. or maybe hal kissed you. either way jason knew you well enough to know you wouldn’t kiss him if you didn’t like him or at least didn’t see it heading that way.
jason sighs lowly as he sees hal down the rest of his cup and make his way over to you.
maybe he should get to you first, he thought.
no, you’re happy. at least you looked happy.
he talks himself out of it just as hal touches your hip. still halfway through lunging at him, someone touches jason’s shoulder and he turns to see roy standing next to a redheaded girl.
“jason, my friend here said she thinks you’re good looking.” straight to the point, roy says.
the girl smiles sheepishly, “hi.” her voice hoarse like she’d drank too much already. inebriated enough to have no social awareness.
roy smiles and steps behind her, shooting a wink at jason before leaving them to it. jason cusses under his breath before she drags her hand down his chest.
“woah, you’re like really fit.” giggling as she traces her hands down his pecks.
laughing uncomfortably, he takes her hands gently off his chest. “uh, thanks. did you come here with your friends?”
she hums and leans closer to him, the heady scent of alcohol on her breath as she gets closer. “they don’t mind though. do you mind?”
he looks over her shoulder to see hal with his hands around your waist, speaking in your ear too intimately for his comfort. he tenses at the action but watches as you do the same, your hand at your side clenching and your nails digging into your palms. watching as you bite your lip, not in the way he loved when you wanted him to touch you, but as though you were uncomfortable.
jason turns his attention back to her as she loops her fingers through his belt loops and quickly grabs her hands.
“woah, woah.” still uncomfortably laughing as he presses her hands to her stomach trying hard to keep her away. then he lets her go. “easy.”
“what?” she giggles, running her hands up his back and through his hair. “you got a girlfriend or something?”
immediately he nods, “yeah actually i’m supposed to go meet her so.” he backs up and takes her hands off him once again.
jason looks left and right and spots roy watching from afar. a stupid grin on his face as he waves at jason. giving him an annoyed look, jason gestures him closer and he reluctantly comes. feet slow as he approaches like jason’s an animal that could pounce on him at any moment.
“hey you two,” he points. “you guys alright?”
jason’s scoffs, “yeah asshole. can you make sure she gets to her friends? i don’t think she should be alone this off drunk.”
the girl scoffs too, “i’m perfectly fine actually.”
he shoots her a look before looking back to roy. the girl waves him off annoyed and moves behind roy to text on her phone. though roy puts his hand over his shoulder and sighs.
“look man, i was just trying to help. i mean she’s moved on, i feel like you should too. get laid and get over her y’know?” gripping his shoulder tight with one hand.
“no,” jason shakes his head. “i’m perfectly fine how i am, thanks.”
“i don’t know dude. i feel like all this yearning isn’t healthy.” roy shrugs and sips his beer.
jason pulls his arm off of him and sideeyes roy like he’s personally offended him. “hal said they kissed, sure, but i don’t think she really likes him like that.”
“really?” roy says with a grimace on his face, pointing ahead as he stares. “are you sure about that?”
“what do you mean?”
heart pounding in his chest as he follows roy’s gaze to where you stood. reality felt like it had sped through fast and time was slipping from between his fingers. the music faded like a dramatic movie as he watched hal, kissing you.
his lips parted as he watched, mouth gape and his hands balled into fists.
his filthy hands touched your chin and pulled you closer while the other rested on your waist. he watched as he deepened the kiss and leaned closer into you, back arching slightly as your hand unclenched and opened in the air.
taking the beer from roy’s hand, jason abruptly turns. “you have my car keys no?” he suddenly asks.
roy stammers, pulling the keys from his pocket, “yeah but, are you okay? considering what you just saw—”
jason grabs the keys and walks away quickly. making his way through the crowd and out to the garage, shutting the door behind him shut.
it was clear to him now—you were happier without him around.
—
only the loud bass and the thumping in your chest could be heard from between you. parting from hal, your hand immediately went up to your mouth. cupping your lips and wiping them unintentionally as you blinked up at him.
“what was that for?” huffing as you stared at him.
“what? i thought you wanted him to know you’re okay without him too.” he furrows his brows.
horrified, you turn around to where jason stood and find him nowhere to be seen. you flicker your gaze over the crowd, over the people, over the dancing bodies and the smoke filled air—but nothing. jason wasn’t here anymore.
he was leaving again.
you push slightly as hal’s chest. “i know you mean well but, i didn’t want him to think—”
“shit,” hal interrupts, his hand at the back of his own neck rubbing soothingly. “i just assumed. fuck, i’m really sorry, i thought… i should’ve asked.”
you were sure you had tears in your eyes now. the thought of jason having to see you with someone else made you feel like your blood had frozen over.
you stammer as you back away from him. “i have to find him.”
in recognition, he nods. “yeah, of course. i can explain it to him if anything.”
but you’ve already run from the living room, storming through the crowd like a madwoman. pushing past the drunk people in the hallway and storming up the stairs to his room.
you put the door open and jason isn’t there. just as fast as you went up, you ran back down, heart thumping in your ears as you caught a glimpse of roy sitting on the couch with the same girl as earlier in his lap. you stride right over to them.
“roy,” you gasp. “where’s jason?”
immediately he sees the raw emotion on your face. the way the colour seemed to drain from it and how you seemed like you were about to throw up from the looks of it. his expression shifts from the flirty front he puts on into the friendly, caring one he only recently exposed to you.
he nods slowly. “he took his car keys from me and left. he didn’t say where though i’m sorry.”
the girl in his lap tilts her head at you, clearing sizing you up. “isn’t that the grump tall guy? girl don’t even bother, he said he’s got a girlfriend.”
the pang in your chest only tightens as you realized he didn’t even kiss this girl. he told her he had a girlfriend and you knew there was no one else. he was talking about you. and now he’s seen you seemingly making out with hal in his brothers frat and everything fell into place. like pieces of a puzzle that was horribly mixed up.
roy snaps you out of it when he speaks up.
“i parked in the garage if that helps.” his lips in a small frown like he were sorry.
you nod as you back away and head straight for the garage door. feeling tears welling in your eyes and a pit in your stomach as you inch closer.
what if he left already?
what if he’s come to the conclusion that this was all too hard to deal with and he was better off just finding someone new when he got one of those grad schools across the country?
part of you felt guilty now for ever even trying with hal when you don’t feel the spark you desperately craved from one person. but you kept telling yourself you should try. that jason was ignoring you because he had already decided for the both of you.
by the time you get to the door and push it open, you feel entirely sober by his car still there.
you sigh in relief as you get to the passenger seat and yank it open. sitting in the chair quickly and shutting the door behind you just to find jason sitting there gripping the steering wheel like it was the only thing grounding him right now.
your name on his tongue was sweeter than it should’ve been on these circumstances.
“what’re you doing here?” he sighs. “should you be in there?”
steadying yourself you purse your lips and bite your tongue. jason furrows his brows and tilts his head at you.
“hey,” making you turn to him still unable to entirely meet your gaze. “are you okay?”
you nod as your lip trembles. how do you tell him that you’re madly in love with him and even with a new, perfect guy, all you can imagine is jason.
his demeanor shifts at your inability to respond.
“did he,” jason starts. “did hal fucking hurt you?”
“no, jason.” picking at your nails and sighing. “he didn’t do anything wrong.”
then, slowly, he nods as if in realization. face slipping back to the same blank compliance as before. “right. he’s your boyfriend, sorry.”
“he’s not my boyfriend jason.” you snap. “god, you ignore me all week and then you make think you’re making out with some random girl.”
projecting like you weren’t the one kissing someone else. though that’s besides the point.
“hey, i wasn’t kissing anyone.” flickering his eyes over your face, taking in the way your skin paled. “i swear, i didn’t.”
“why not?” unable to hide the way your voice broke. “i mean i hurt you. i wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to write me off.”
that makes him scoff more harshly than he intended. “why would i do that when i have…” stopping himself. “when i don’t want them?”
his response only makes you feel worse though the way he was holding himself back from admitting the truth, it only makes you want it more.
“why not?” the words come out small.
jason furrows his brows. “why?”
“yeah,” you look at him, tears still glazing over your eyes. “why not?”
“because,” he stammers. “there’s no timeline on moving on. you can do whatever you want so i can also take my time no?”
“please, you’ve been avoiding me like a sickness and staring at hal like he kicked your dog.”
clenching his jaw, jason sighs heavily. “that’s not true.”
“isn’t it?” scoffing as you watch the side of his face. “you hate me and him and it’s my fault.”
groaning out your name like it hurt to say, “i don’t hate you. i could never hate you.”
“then why are you ignoring me?” you ask, interrupting him before he can do it to you. “and why aren’t you coming to class? or ever here when come to see grayson or hal—”
but that clearly pushed a button and jason snaps.
“because i can’t fucking stand him!” he raises his voice.
the sound taking you aback and a small scoff escapes past your lips as you watch him breathe heavier. nodding your head, you turn completely towards him in your seat and tuck a foot under your knee just to look directly at his face.
“you could stand him perfectly fine a couple weeks ago when he wasn’t going out with me.” crossing your arms as you stare at him.
his head shakes as he grips the steering wheel tightly. “it’s not that simple and you know it.”
“oh please, enlighten me then jason.” you press on, entirely over this situation and needing him just as badly as you wanted to hate him.
“you—” he starts and stops again.
you’re watching him as he shuts his eyes and lets out a deep exhale. suddenly he looks up to your side and trails his gaze over your face, lifting his fingers towards you like he’s twitching just to touch you.
in his eyes, you find the same adoration you’ve always loved, but now it’s accompanied by a bitter taste. he presses on.
“when i see you with him, i feel like i’m suffocating. like the air around me has been sucked away and i can’t do anything about it cause i did it to myself.”
parting your lips as you watch him confess what he’s hidden for weeks, you listen. brows upturning as he shakily breaths out your name.
“it’s selfish, i know. you’re your own person and i ruined us with all the lies. so you’re more than allowed to date other people. i just can’t… i—i can’t be around it. i won’t.” gulping as he looks at your hands in your lap now, wanting badly to hold them in his. “i know there’s too much baggage between us and i i hurt you but part of me thought we’d figure it out?”
his tone upturned at the end as though he’d contemplated within himself before voicing it.
“—is that why you’re leaving?” interrupting his thoughts and barely concealing the emotions that threatened to spill over. “because of me?”
something in his eyes seem to soften then, flickering and fanning out like all hope had dissipated.
his voice is quiet and unsure as he rasps. “what?”
“you don’t have to lie jason and you sure as shit don’t have to avoid me like the plague. i just wanted to feel wanted like a person and not a fucking prize.” slow tears slipping down your warm cheeks. “you never told me you were going to leave me though.”
taking a large gulp, he shakes his head. “i was never going to leave you.”
but you’re shaking your head. “i know you applied to grad schools across the country and i know you got it. i just can’t understand why you hid that part from me.”
furrowing his brows like he’s trying to understand where you got to that conclusion, he looks deep in thought. then recognition flickers behind his eyes and he leans closer, clasping your hands in his. staring into your eyes like he were sorry. you sniffle as he takes your hands and try not to sob at how royally you’d felt like you’d fucked this up.
“bruce told you at gordon’s event didn’t he? fuck, i wanted to be the one to do it.” he searches your face when you look down into your lap. though jason follows your head and tilts his. “i’m sorry. i said no more lies and i hid this.”
he leans even closer, enough to smell your perfume and the slight intoxicating scent of lingering weed illuminating between you. jason sighs and holds back his own emotions. “i feel like i’m always apologizing to you like an idiot.”
between quiet sniffles you find yourself leaning closer to him, searching unconsciously for comfort. you lean your head onto his shoulder.
“you’re not an idiot. i just can’t stand to lose you jay.” the quiet admission slips.
immediately he cradles your head there, leaning his own head on top of yours and gently touching your cheek. he whispers a small shaky noise that sounded to your name before he takes a shallow breath.
“you’re allowed to be happy. if he’s making you happy then i want that for you.”
you pull away to look at him, the motion evident all over your face now that he could see it again.
“damn it jason, i’m not fucking happy! i didn’t move on,” elevating your voice like you were speaking to yourself more than him. probably still more intoxicated than you felt. “i don’t love hal. i don’t, love anyone else but—” you cut yourself off.
the car suddenly feels a lot smaller. the doors seemingly doing nothing to make you feel closer to jason despite how close you say next to another. the silence stretched for what felt like minutes but was only seconds.
but jason, his eyes were glued to yours.
“you love someone else?” voice small as he carefully watches you. waiting patiently for you to fill in blanks he desperately wanted to be right about.
slowly, you nod as a tear slips down your face. “you jason. it’s you.”
his hands touch your face delicately. thumb grazing over the warm tear as he held you close. from how close you say now, you could see the tears welling in his eyes and the relief that flooded as he switched between your eyes.
“you love me?” breathlessly, he said.
unable to say anything through your broken tears, a sob breaks out as you nod. jason presses his forehead to yours and whispers your name, over and over like he’s counting his blessings.
“please,” he rasps, “please say it. i want to hear it ma, please.”
between sobs, you melt against him. tearing wetting your lashes and his skin.
“i love you jason todd. i love you so much that it’s causing me physical pain.” laughing a little at the end as he joins you.
“yeah baby? well, the feeling is mutual and i love you more than i’ve ever loved anything or anyone.” gazing into your eyes like it held the key to all of his prayers.
pulling you closer like there wasn’t a dashboard between you. all resolve crumbs as you climb over it and into his lap, straddling him tight. his hand grazes over you hair and pushes it back as he makes you face him, wiping the tear streaks from your skin. he shushes you as you sniffle.
“don’t cry baby, i’m not leaving. i’m never leaving you again. you hear me?” kissing your cheeks as you pull at his shirt. “i didn’t pick a school yet. i haven’t chosen one because i can’t breathe if you’re not close.”
you hum as you pull at his shirt again, tugging him closer and letting him lean you against the steering wheel. pulling his hair back to watch his handsome face smile up at you. your eyes flicker to his lips and he smiles brightly as he drops his hands to your thighs, kneading the plush there.
“you want something princess?” teasing despite the circumstances.
you can’t help but laugh and roll your eyes. “just kiss me already jason.”
“for you? anything.”
then he’s on you, pressing his perfect lips to yours. it feels like your floating over yourself as he deepens it, holding you tight against him as shops his tongue down your throat. you him into his mouth, moaning lowly as you hips mindlessly shift against him. jason groans and bucks his hips slightly, biting your lip to make the sweet sound slip past your lips and to his ears.
“baby,” he rasps against your mouth.
though you don’t part, instead you tug at his shirt and pull up the hem. jason gets the message immediately, letting you pull it up enough for him to take it off all the way. his shirt is off when you trail your fingers down his abs, touching the hard muscle that you missed like a pillow. you graze your fingers up and down while you kiss down his jaw, eliciting a gorgeous moan from him that felt like music to your ears.
fumbling with your skirt while you undid his belt, you could feel how hard he was beneath you.
“are you sure?” breathlessly he says while you nip up by his ear.
nodding, you moan against his skin, biting the love and kneading it with your teeth.
“yeah jay.” you rasp. “i need you.”
it’s enough to spur him further, hiking up your skirt as you push his jeans down with his boxers. you feel his hard length against your bare inner thigh, painfully hard and leaking in your need.
he’s moving to pull your panties down when you stop him, taking his hand and guiding him to push them to the side instead. urgency in your movements as you watch the realization in his eyes. jason only smiles as you guide his length to press against you. the message is clear as he nods and kisses you again, pecking your lips in little movements as though savouring you.
then you’re pressing down against him, mouth parting as you take him. seating yourself down as he holds you, guiding your hips when you try to take him at once. jason stops you before you try to let him all the way in. he sighs like he’s straining himself.
“breathe baby,” gulping as sweat wicks his forehead. “no rush. breathe. it’s all yours yeah? i’m all yours.”
you nod as you lean forward again, capturing his lips and lapping at him. he tightens his hold on you as you tilt your head, pressing him further into his seat as you begin to shift your hips. sinking further down against him, jason guides you there.
he doesn’t thrust up into you when you take him completely. instead, he parts from your lips, letting you breathe with a line of spit between you from how desperately you both needed eachother. jason groans lowly as you continue to shift your hips, dropping his head against the seat as praises escape from your lips.
“so good jay,” whining as you bounce against him. “you’re so perfect baby.”
jason returns the whine and bites his lip. this only excites you further, knowing how it pushes his buttons and turns him on. you know your man. grinding against him harder, you moan as he kneads your ass in his palms. little moans and words of affirmation as the signs of him losing himself made you want it more.
“i love you,” he moans helplessly, saying your name over and over. “god, i love you so much.”
“i love you too baby.” you whisper against his lips. “you’re so good. fuck, you’re so big.”
he makes another whimpering sound, his hips stuttering against yours as your movements only grew wilder.
“shit baby, don’t say that. i’m gonna lose it.” groaning as he throws his head back again, entirely lost in the feeling of you.
the peak was creeping over on you too. you could feel yourself there, sensitive enough to let go, but not enough to get him there first. hips moving in tandem with yours as he bucked up into you.
“good,” you sighed dreamily, smiling down at jason who’s just barely keeping it together. “i want you to let go.”
“oh fuck,” he moans.
he bites his lip so hard you think he’s gonna make it bleed. fingers digging into your thighs like an anchor. another whimpering sound that grew into a moan as he dropped his head to your chest. lazily grinding against you as he held you tight against him.
“please jay,” knowing exactly what you were doing. voice breathy and seductive. “i wanna feel it inside me.”
the response is immediately as he sputter and loses all semblance of himself. his hips buck up, once, twice, and he hold it deep inside you. letting go and painting you inside as he made swallow thrusts.
the feeling crashes over you too as soon as you feel it, crying out as he held you through it, guiding your hips still. he makes sure to rock you through your peak, lazily grinding as you gasped for air.
coming down while he kept you close, collapsed against his chest. melting into him while he caught his breath. jason sucks in a sharp breath and sighs. his spent leaking onto his lap and he didn’t care.
“i meant it.” he admits while you’re still reeling.
you hum quietly to tell him to continue.
“that i love you. that i’m never leaving you.” already kissing your dampened hair as he remained seated inside you.
“i meant it too,” you croaked, entirely spent. “i love you jason todd.”
the smile on his face could be felt through your hair, and he laughed as he tightened his hold around you. almost crushing but you couldn’t care less if you tried.
“so,” his voice still sounded unsure like he was gauging your opinion and didn’t want to overstep. “does this mean i can call you my girlfriend now?”
putting a hand to his chest to lift yourself, you look him in the eyes. squinting as you smack his chest lightly.
“i’ll kill you if you don’t.”
a slow smile creeps over his handsome face. the expression only makes you want to jump his bones again like he wasn’t hardening inside of you all over again. jason cups your cheek and pulls you in for another sloppy, wet kiss. slipping his tongue past your lips and biting your lip as he parts.
“good. cause i’m gotham u offers a good criminology masters program and i’m thinking of accepting it.” pressing his lips to your nose and to your forehead as you giggle.
then his word click and you gasp. “gotham u?”
he nods dreamily with his eyes half lidded, watching you. “well if my girlfriend is still going there then—”
“yes!” you shove him further into his seat, taking the turn to kiss all over his face. “a million times yes. don’t you dare,” speaking between kisses, “change your mind.”
he pinches your side so you stop and leans his forehead against yours again. either hand on the sea of your face like he was trying to memorize how you felt and brand it to his skin. jason stared lovingly into your eyes and you felt it, deeply.
for the first time in months, you felt love unconditionally and unapologetically reciprocated.
“i wouldn’t dream of it princess.” eyes twinkling as he stared at you.
looking into his eyes, the future didn’t feel so scary anymore.
i’d like to apologize for how long you had to wait for this. i am currently battered and bruised but i feel super accomplished now that this is done too. nerdystoner!jason i love you!
“meant it” | nerdystoner!jason | university au | smut
summary: jason’s finding it hard seeing you, seemingly, move on from him so his solution is to keep his distance. fortunately, he can’t even manage that.
tags + extras: college!au, angst, smoking, drinking, smut, reader is (was) a virgin. car sex. jealousy, frat houses mentioned, bsfs!brother, yes the reader has more than one bsf. plottwist. dick is in a frat because of course out of all the batboys it would be him. jason is not in a frat cause he wouldn’t join it, he’d think its stupid but would stick around for some parties for funsies.
a/n: so so so sorry, life got busy and the university experience was killing me as it is the characters in this au lmao. anyway, i hope this lives up to your expectations and doesn’t disappoint. unfortunately i couldn’t proofread cause i had my first amateur boxing match last night (and won yay) so i didn’t have time…
the funny thing about saying something out loud is that it solidifies itself by whoever heard it.
being caught off guard and saying something you’d never really considered before and it takes root in your life as your word is held against you. something about this whole situation reminded you of the fundamentals of primary school and the golden rules you were supposed to follow.
treat others the way you want to be treated.
think before you speak.
something must’ve gotten lost in translation because everything seems to be going to shit.
back inside of the house, jason is nowhere to be found.
you duck into his room, check grayson’s, and then ultimately decide to check back downstairs again. nothing. pulling out your phone to call jason when you run into grayson, walking right into him as you descend down the stairs.
“woah, slow down,” he holds your shoulders straight, “where are we going?”
waving your phone around vaguely, “i was looking for jason but i think he left?”
grayson nods, “yeah. he went on a liquor run with roy and wally.”
“huh,” nodding back, you hum, “liquor run.”
“yeah, it’s a pool party this time so guaranteed need a couple kegs and something strong for shots.” continuing while you walk with him to the now fixed window and shooing away barry and oliver who were standing way too close to comfort. “and whoever did this shit is gonna get their ass beat when i find them.”
“makes sense.” you barely reply, watching as people move around you but not really paying attention.
the last few days have been, eventful to say the least. then hal threw in that curveball that just caused another spiral of what you and jason even were. he apologized, yes, and of course you want jason. you’ll always want jason but you’ve spent so much time now on him, trying to get over him to no avail. weeks of your life distancing yourself only to get pulled back to him again.
saying yes to hal felt like more of an unconscious decision than you actually wanting to date him.
it’s probably mean but he threw you off when he suddenly asked you out and it almost felt like a sign. that you had options and that not being with jason wasn’t the end of the world even if it felt like it. maybe hal could give you some perspective.
it’s not like hal jordan is ugly by any means. you’ve seen him without a shirt and he’s insanely ripped, much like grayson is. he’s pretty too, the kind that would make anyone do a double take.
but in the back of yours mind you still knew.
he’s not jason.
“hey,” grayson suddenly says, “you keep zoning out on me.”
you turn to face him, “yeah, sorry.”
he shakes his head and points a finger at your forehead, “don’t apologize. what’s going on in that head of yours?”
with a heavy sigh and no patience left to lie, “i hooked up with jason again.”
grayson’s eyes widen, “oh, i didn’t need to know that—” he sighs, “uh, isn’t that a good thing?”
you nod slowly, “i think so.”
from behind the two of you, the party began to get bigger. glassing clinking and laughter ringing. roaring music as tim whispered something in connor’s ear and he clicked away on his phone. hal had already joined the crowd with his shirt crooked on his body and a hand clasped around a beer. the front door was opening and closing more than you could count and the bodies stacking inside were more than the previous ones you’d been to probably because it was the last one of the school year. but jason wasn’t back yet.
someone bumps into you from behind and touches your waist to steady you from falling.
“oops sorry. ‘m a clutz.” laughing as she lets go of your side to get a better look at you. “wait, i know you!”
she smiles bright, her hair dark and beautiful. her eyes had the prettiest sparkle to them. you blink at the girl in front of you and exchange a glance with grayson.
“are you in my program?” you ask.
grayson cuts in, “no, this is donna. you met her at the last party.”
you nod slowly as the gears turn you recognize her face from spin the bottle. “oh, hey. sorry.”
“you were dating jason right?” a clear slur in her voice that told you’d she’d been drinking for a while before getting here, “ugh i was talking to roy and he’s such a dog. both of them are honestly. i just can’t believe jason made that bet about you seriously. all my sisters are uber pissed and swore to keep away for at least another week.”
your stomach drops at her words and the creeping feeling of embarrassment takes form. though another form of jealousy crept too.
“you all heard?” you ask quietly.
donna nods immediately, “of course, everyone kinda did. but and of course roy is still up jade’s ass so whatever.”
she doesn’t notice how you’re demeanour shifts just barely. the creeping unease from everyone knowing your existence from a bet, no matter how much reassurance jason gave you. it was finally in front of you. you’d seen how you’re known to people you don’t really even know—as a joke.
twisting his head slightly, dick read how her words were hitting you before you’d even said anything yourself. he gestures to her hand quickly. “you’re drinking pink whitney?”
she shrugs and holds her cup up, “of course. don’t act like it’s not good.”
“never said that it’s just banned from this frat. too many bad memories.”
a distant shout makes grayson turn his attention that way again. when you turn too, you see conner with blood dripping down his neck and a face palming tim. the needle in conners hand is barely visible from where you were but you could see enough to know he was adjusting a new piece of metal in his lip, matching the other side.
he pierced himself and didn’t even seem fazed.
“for fucks sake,” grayson murmurs under his breath before putting hand up to both of you and storming over towards them.
“i told him not to do it,” tim sighs and shrugs while conner looks pleased with himself, already tonguing at the snake bite.
grayson grabs the towel and holds it to his lip himself, like the responsible guy he tries to be. “this is the last time you pierce yourself dude. just go to the fucking tattoo parlor across the street.”
beneath the paper towel, conner laughs but it comes out more muffled, “‘n pay sixty-five bucks? ya right.”
you’d probably been smiling at their interaction or just tuned out so much that donna tapped you again.
“do you want get a drink too? i’m basically out.”
glancing towards the front door once more, like it could bring jason back faster, you slowly nod. the two of you move towards the kitchen and donna starts talking about astrology and zodiac signs. she explains how her sign is compatible with most people but you don’t quite remember what her sign even was from how fast she talked. by the time she’s pouring you a drink in a solo cup and handing it to you, she starts talking about roy again.
“—he’s a dick. a real piece of work but when we’re alone he’s sweet. i don’t get it.” she sighs before gesturing towards you vaguely at how zoned out you were again, “but i’m sure jason is similar right? they are bestfriends.”
though you answer immediately, your blood warm from the alcohol already, “no. he’s actually really sweet in every situation. just kindhearted like it’s in his blood, i don’t know, it’s kind of infuriating.”
she nods along, “he keeps to himself yeah. just a real ass for making that bet over you babe. i’m sorry about that.”
grimacing softly, you sigh, “why’re you sorry? it’s not like you did it.”
“i mean, it just doesn’t make sense.” donna dramatically groans, “he’s in love with you! why’d do men do terrible things to the women they love?”
you down the rest of your cup and immediately regret it with a groan of disgust before shrugging, “it’s not love. it’s like a race of endurance. who can take more hardship from someone whose supposed to make their life easier.”
she laughs with her pretty teeth out, bumping shoulders with you, “you sound like you’ve had a lot of shitty boyfriends.”
“one was enough,” you genuinely laugh too before it simmers into something deeper, “and he’s not shitty and that’s the problem.”
she frowns, “oh babe, i know exactly what you mean.”
the front door continues to open and close, inviting new people in and letting others out. between the shuffling, the two of you slide onto the counter, legs crossed towards the other. that’s when a thought occurs to you again and it demands to be discovered. you gulp before you speak.
“um… did you really mean what you said earlier? that everyone heard what roy said?”
donna’s frown deepens before she nods, “the people around us and other sorority did.”
“who cares though? after you graduate, you’ll never gonna see these losers again.”
she jumps off the counter, “let’s go, show ‘em how hot you are.”
sipping your drink, you glancing towards the party through the doorway. you blink at her than down at your clothes that wasn’t meant for a party.
“nah i’m good in here.” lying right through your teeth like you were any form of good right now.
she rolls her eyes and drags you anyways, back towards the loud music. as soon as you’re back you see shots being poured by roy and wally. the two of them arguing over who had better taste in music while you walked over with donna. when you look to donna to tell her to ignore roy, she’s already got hearts in her eyes and you sigh softly to yourself.
“—all you listen to is fucking faye webster,” roy sighs, “i bet you listen to taylor swift too.”
wally gasps like he’s offended, “okay that’s where i draw the line.”
when roy opens his mouth again, conner drapes his arms around both of their shoulders, “both of you have shit taste, how’s that?”
as soon as roy squints at tim over conners shoulder. though tim only smiled tightly and tilts his head towards where you stood with donna. he catches donnas eye and he shoots her a stupid smile. the kind you recognize from him as the one he makes to women he wants to sleep with. you step slightly in front of her like a protective boyfriend or something even though you’d just met her. cause you know what roy is like and in the little time you’d known donna, you know how he makes her feel with so little words.
“have you seen jason?” you say with a tilt of your head.
roy shrugs, “he’s probably still being the keg inside.”
you frown, “you let him bring a whole keg in alone?”
“have you seen the man?” asking with genuine confusion towards you, “he’s fucking ripped.”
as if you even have to think about it, you nod and turn to go find him. donna’s already making her way towards roy before you can tell her anything. so you continue your way towards the garage.
music slowly getting quieter as you walk down the hall and into the laundry room. ignoring the people making out on top of the washer and dryer as you open the garage door and find it still open. and jason’s mustang still on. but he was nowhere to be found there. you circle the car and turn the corner to no avail still. jason wasn’t there. you turn towards the front door and still don’t find him. with an exasperated groan, you stomp towards the backyard door to try again at finding him because there’s no way he just left his car on right?
“you looking for something?” a husky voice calls out.
before you’d even touched the backward door, you spin on your heel to find jason there. blunt burning between his fingers as he leaned against his car.
“yeah actually.” as you approach him, “you.”
his face stays the same as he takes another drag. eyes not lifting from you and the same stoic look on them.
“so, you found me.” he says as he blows the smoke out. the grey clouding around him and the sour smell of marijuana radiating off of him. heady in the way that distracts you.
you nod like it means something and lean next to him. “you always seem to smoke in the same spot so if you were trying to hide, should try harder.”
jason sighs and stretches his shoulders, “i guess i’m getting predictable.”
the moment pauses as you try to decipher the meaning in his words. “i didn’t say it was a bad thing.”
his eyes meet yours as he pushes off the wall. “neither did i.”
making quick work to ash out his barely lit joint, he flicks it away as he pivots and moves to go back inside without even a glance towards your direction. something in your stomach twists. you frown to yourself before deciding to ask him.
“did i do something wrong?”
jason turns his head just enough to look at you. his hand still on the door as he pulls it open. the smile that he gives you barely reaches his eyes as that same exhaustion you’d seen earlier had returned.
“nah ma, you didn’t do anything.”
then the door follows behind him, leaving you in the cold air to think to yourself. just long enough to decide that you should go home and give the both of you some space.
space you knew would eat away at your sanity.
luckily, you’re not much of a drinker so waking up early wasn’t hard to do after last night.
getting to gordon’s presentation on his new paper was easier than your morning practicals, at least today. naturally as his assistant and amateur researcher, you’d been invited to attend the gala thrown by the sponsors.
by the time you arrived, the guests were set up and the audience was packed. gordon’s standing by the bar with some of the law professors, holding a darkened drink that was definitely bitter and pretentious. a select few men with their hair slicked back had gathered around where gordon stood. conversing and laughing in a pitch that exhibited more wealth than you’d ever known.
your heels were already killing you as you walked off the subway since they had to host this on the upper east side of town. you tug at your neatly arranged dress and step forward to mingle like you were supposed to. forced to talk to the people that funded gordon’s PhD and his years of research that every other person had found ridiculous.
the sound of your name being called made you turn towards it.
“when’d you get here sweetheart?” gordon smiled as he gestured you towards the rest of them.
he was always such a strong and respected figure that you saw him like a parent. since your first year, you’d taken classes with him and his years of extensive police work had drawn you in. gordon might’ve pushed you really hard like he wanted you to do well because he really did. in the back of his mind he knew you were brilliant and wanted to nourish it before you finally graduated.
that’s why you had a full year of research assistance under your belt thanks to him.
the men around him parted for you and you exchanged a gentle hello. “i just got here actually.”
he nods, “good. great timing. i’d like you to meet some people!” gesturing towards the people in crisp suits with swirling glasses. “this is clifford devoe.”
the name rang bells immediately from how poorly gordan talked about him in private to you. gordans eyes looked to you then to the man again, silently saying a thousand words. you fill in the blanks for him and offer your hand to clifford when he raises his to take yours.
“you must be the generous one the university appointed. it’s so nice to finally meet you.”
with your hand gently taken into his hand, the feeling of unease that radiated off of him was unmistakable. you hide the grimace that he caused when he repeats your name to you.
“hm, yes.” still holding your hand a moment too long. dragging his eyes over you before letting you pull away. “i’ve seen what you’d contributed to the study on adolescent rehabilitation and prison reform. truly sickening that we still debate the human nature of criminals.”
you’re sure you’re failing terribly at hiding your distaste now. “don’t you think it’s a little silly to attribute it all to human nature?”
from beside you gordan seems to purse his lips. though clifford scoffs and smiles small, “of course a young woman such as yourself would think so as if that’s some revolutionary thought.” laughing through his words.
the condescension was clear from his rude mouth. you could taste the bitterness he spewed.
you hum, “why of course a man such as yourself would believe no one is redeemable but himself.”
from beside him, the black haired man in the suit catches your eye briefly before chuckling into his glass. narrowing your eyes at the shape of his eyebrows because they were just so familiar, the thick arches that mimicked wings. it reminded you of jason and his thick set brows that were studiously perfect without having touched them.
gordon clears his throat and nudges you softly before saying your name to change the subject.
“have you seen the completed poster with all the statistics? it looks really great, let me show you.”
before you can say anything else, he’s already been walking away, turning his head to look at you just to ensure you’re following him. with a polite and contrasting goodbye, you take your leave. feeling proud of yourself as
when you get to the poster, gordon’s standing there squinting like he’s got something bad to say. but he just shakes his head and points to the men you’d left at the bar, still conversing like no tension had ever raised.
“he pays for the damn project sweetheart, we can’t insult him no matter how much of an ass he may be.”
you shrug and sigh before mumbling. “at least not to his face right?”
despite the situation, gordan laughs. “yeah, at least not to his face.” patting your back and turning the both of you towards the poster. “now, did i tell you that they approved you as a peer-reviewed scholar once you’ve graduated?”
looking towards the statistics scattered across the large poster, you saw all the datasets you’d condensed. all the graphs and charts that you’d made and the spreadsheets that made you feel like you were losing brain cells. you didn’t think you’d get being a contributor to research paper on your record too. just being an assistant was enough. with a tilt of your head at the meticulous pie chart you made so long ago you forgot about, you hum.
“but i’m not gonna be here so how could i contribute anything anyway?”
he shakes your shoulder gently, the way the father would when he’s proud but doesn’t wanna say it with words aloud. “it won’t publish until october.”
that stopped your mind from thinking about anything else but what just came out of his mouth.
eyes widening as you turn to him. “wait, really?”
this would set you apart from other applicants in your graduate program and give you a better chance at getting into it.
he smiles with crinkles around his eyes and nods because you’d only been talking about this since you started. also because someone had already mentioned your interest to him.
“do i get any credit for that part of it?” a voice from behind you sound a d you turn to face it.
but you didn’t expect for it to be bruce wayne.
you blink at your friends dad that you’d only seen a handful of times before. now you recall how he was sat at the bar earlier, just his eyes visible and the realization of how they looked having distracted you enough. still you smile and lean forward to take his hand when he offers it.
“mr. wayne, it’s so nice to see you. i didn’t think you’d be here.”
his hand was firm and certain. righteous in a way that he radiated the energy even when you would just briefly see him.
“gordon invited me along with a couple business partners. it’s good to see you again. what’s it been? 2 years?” bruce gives a small smile while he places his drink on the table next to you. looking to gordon, bruce switches his gaze between him and the poster, “i’ve been thinking, you could go back as commissioner and implement these ideas yourself gordon.”
a snort escapes gordon as he shakes his head, “no way, and leave my cushiony tenure position?” laughing as he gestures to the poster. “you see the bridge in socioeconomic status and educational attainment? those positions don’t require degrees. they just need intelligence and compassion that comes naturally. you got a knack for those bruce.”
the two of them share a knowing glance before someone approaches gordon to ask about something with his focus group, taking away his attention. he excuses himself before he leaves you there with bruce. for a moment, it’s quiet while bruce watches the party, taking slow sips of his bourbon.
you watch with him, noticing how the people in this party were mostly the types who didn’t need to worry about these things. about the ones that are unfairly prosecuted or treated as villainous for trying to survive. no one in this room held that title the way you’d seen women and men alike being pressed. surveillance was created by them for them, to protect them.
that’s what made you want to get involved in gordon’s study. a chance to use theory and practice in a way that actually mattered.
“you think very loudly.” bruce suddenly says.
your head turns to his, still looking out at the people conversing and moving about. she’s trained over nothing and everything at once.
“my bad,” you laugh nervously.
he only shoots you another smile, “don’t be. your mind is brilliant and meant to think. don’t burn yourself out doing it too much. it’s a habit i’ve yet to get my sons to figure out too.”
sons. right.
nodding your head, you change the subject. “you know gordon pretty well?”
he nods too. “knew him back when he was still an officer. the man is a saint personified.”
distracted from the topic at hand, you try to stay focused, nodding along and silently staring at where bruce’s eyes were trained. though bruce is incredibly attentive, and he immediately notices how you’d been looking. fixing his watch that didn’t need any adjusting as he speaks.
“dick tells me jason misses you.”
nearly choking on your spit, you look to bruce again, forgetting to not look so surprised. “what?”
behind his professionalism, something turns warmer. “he’s taking academics more seriously. i’ve always told him he’s got the smarts when he puts his mind to it but i’m sure you’ve seen how shrugs it off.”
not knowing what to say, you nod him along.
“…he even applied for a couple graduate programs thanks to you and got into them all across the country.” lifting his glass and sipping.
“i didn’t know he applied.” you admit.
“it’s force of habit i guess,” he shrugs. “he didn’t even tell me when he got into gotham university. just started attending classes and brushed it off like it was no big deal which i assure you, it is.”
frowning at his fathers admission, “that’s kinda sad. he’s probably the smartest person i know.”
suddenly bruce smiles at you, his grin something more of fond remembrance. he adjusts his suit and sniffs just audible enough for you to notice. then his smile falls as he meets the eye of someone across from the room and they wave to one another.
“if you see my son, please let him know for me that his bike has been replaced. and that i need him to answer the phone when i call him.” touching your wrist softly and bidding you goodbye.
with nothing to say or actualize the fact with, you’d turned your attention back to the poster. the words swirling themselves until you’d forgotten what the last year collecting was about.
suddenly you’re glad there’s noone around to ask you about it, cause you’re not sure you’d know.
“dude just back that shit up on me.” grayson coos.
from in front of him, wally groans. “no dude, it’s not gonna fit in there anyways. just ask someone else to.”
“i’ll make it fit just shut up and do it.”
on the couch a phone rings. both of the boys ignore it and instead continuing muttering at the other. taking turns groaning as wally pushes the desk, hal shakes his head from the other side of the room.
“you guys know you could do this literally anywhere else.”
“and you could help, you know?” grayson sighs as he drops the horribly built ikea desk wally built. looking hal up and down, dick furrows his brow. “why are you even dressed like that?”
brushing off his shirt with absolutely no lint on it, hal smooths out the folds in his button up. grinning from ear to ear like a kid who’d won a prize. “I have a date.”
the boys all turn to look at him.
“oh,” wally lets the desk back on the ground, ignoring how grayson groans when it hits his foot. “a hot date huh? she got a friend?”
like perfectly horrible timing, jason’s walking into the living room. to grab his phone he’d forgotten that had unknowingly been ringing and buzzing. his eyes fall on hal on the chair immediately, trailing up his form with sharp eyes. dick clears his throat at the sight.
“your phones been ringing.” he simply says.
“yeah, i heard.” jason murmurs as he clears past hal wordlessly and heads straight to the kitchen as though he wanted nothing to do with him.
as though his very being annoyed him enough that he couldn’t spare him a glance right now. the sudden presence and departure of jason had thrown the energy of the room off for a moment, not because of him but how far hals discomfort radiated. wally takes a long look between grayson and hal before nodding towards where jason had disappeared behind the wall of.
“what’s his problem?” he sits next to hal on the couch, legs going up lazily on the coffee table.
hal opened his mouth to fill in the blanks, but grayson chimes in first, his eyes trained pointedly on hal as he answers wally. “his girl left him for some douchebag in a frat.”
awkwardly the air fills as wally nods. “right…”
“i’m gonna uh—” hal stands and leaves his cup on the table. “head out now. i’m picking her up and all.”
perched on the ikea desk, grayson nods with an expression that looks disapproving. “i expect you back around midnight cinderella. no hooking up on your first date.”
wally snorts, “hasn’t stopped him before.”
“shut up west.” effectively cutting through the tension again and reminding him who he was speaking about. “i’m serious, i’m putting the latch on after.”
the other two stay silent. hal nodding knowingly before grabbing his key and leaving them with a quiet goodbye. wally furrows his brows only minutes later as he contemplates. while the room drifts back into a silence and grayson leaves to check the kitchen only to find it empty, wally itches his chin.
“gray?” mumbling vaguely.
he hums in acknowledgment as he types away on his phone.
“is the girl he’s going out with jason’s girl?”
that gets him to look up from his phone and bring his hand out. hovering over wally’s forehead before flicking him with a sharp seething sound from his lips. grayson huffs.
“no shit sherlock. now stop straining yourself and get off your ass, get move this desk out of my living room.”
this entire situation was so fucked.
the night had hardly started and hal already fucked up in ways you knew jason would never. when he messaged you about confirming the date, he wouldn’t say where it would be. so instead, you opted to ask what to wear.
big. fucking. mistake.
never ask a man what to where to any occasion because they will give you false, misleading information and clearly hal jordan was no exception.
he told you to dress casual, something everyday, he said. thankfully you chose to wear a simple black dress otherwise you’d be entirely underdressed for this fancy restaurant he took you to. now he’s sitting across from you, flipping through the menu gracefully like he’s a food connoisseur. occasionally humming as he reads out the name of the dish to you.
“would you like the house caviar? it’s genuinely the best thing you’ll find in the tri-state area.” eyes twinkling beautifully under the romantic ambience lighting.
if it were any other period of your life, you might really, truly like him. the way he took charge and pushed to ask you out was hot. he found a way to wiggle into your life and he took what he wanted. hal was good looking, smart, and he had a good head on his shoulders. but somehow you found yourself looking into his eyes like they were interesting. found yourself staring at the orange illuminating his skin like it were the most familiar thing, and watching the flames flicker in his eyes.
staring at the flames that reminded you of him.
the warmth grew on your skin as his face morphed everytime you blinked and the love ached. your heart ached at the thought of him.
he touches your hand, “you okay?”
“huh?” you shut your eyes and look back at him quickly, shaking the distraction off. “sorry i missed what you asked.”
his thumb strokes the back of your hand soothingly. the action grounds you from the thoughts the swirled. “if you’d like caviar to try. the mussels are insane here too.”
shooting him a reassuring smile, you shake your head. “oh um, sure. whatever you’d like.”
“but would you like it?” he counters.
“probably not.” you answer honestly. “sorry.”
he smiles, “don’t apologize. it’s good to know though, next time i’ll take you somewhere not fish related.”
vaguely you nod and try to smile though you’re sure it comes out insincere. hal only frowns and squeezes your hand like he’d known you’d needed some reassurance to guide your thoughts.
“hey we can still go home.” suddenly he says. “i mean i don’t want to, shit i don’t care if jason mopes around and cries himself to sleep. i know what i want and that’s you.”
you blink slowly, letting his declaration find footing in your mind. technically he was right. you had these second thoughts because you weren’t even sure of this date would go ahead or if hal really did like you. it’s almost like he reads your mind when he tilts his head to look harder at you.
“—he doesn’t decide if we like eachother. i’d be damned if i let him get in the way of me and pretty girl just cause he fumbled her.”
the waiter comes by before you can speak through your parted lips and offers more wine. hal smiles and nods at the waiter, his warm hand still holding yours. it only occurred then that you were the one making this awkward, not him. the waiter pours your drinks and hal lifts his with his free hand, gesturing you to do the same. clinking the glasses, he swirls the cup and sips, his eyes trained on yours as you mirror him.
setting his drink back down and letting you take your hand back, hal orders for the both of you. part of you wasn’t sure how to feel, him taking that initiative to place an order of what you’d like to eat but also partially annoyed that he’d assumed what you’d like. or maybe he just did what he pleased. regardless, you were kind of glad he’d said something to the waiter cause the names of the dishes on this menu was absolutely insane. continually you look around the space, taking in the gorgeous lighting and the artwork that definitely costs thousands to maintain here. he watches your face while you stare at the tapestry behind him.
“do you like art then?”
you nod your head, still looking at the painting behind him. “i can appreciate it for sure.”
his eyes don’t falter, still staring at you while you’re looking around. “so can i.”
when you look to him, he’s got his head in one of his hands, smiling fainting with those dimples just deep enough to notice. he blinks at you, still giddy. “don’t mind me. i’m taking it in.”
you raise a brow at him. “taking in me or this place?”
“would it be wrong if i said both?”
heat rushes to his ears as soon as the words leave his mouth. it only makes you feel like imploding from how sweet he was being. fighting the urge to smile until he breaks into a soft laughter and you return the same. shaking your head and looking up the the chandelier hanging just next to you again. hal follows your gaze.
“you’ve looked at that chandelier at least eight times now.” this time looking with you like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.
“sorry,” you laugh. “i haven’t been anywhere this nice before.”
he tops off your drinks and leans his elbows on the table in improper etiquette. “don’t worry about apologizing. i’m not much fancy restaurant guy myself.”
pointedly, you eye him. his effortlessly handsome outfit and his crisp button up shirt. you narrow your eyes at him. “could’ve fooled me jordan.”
“hey,” he raises his hands in surrender. “i don’t even know what these forks are for. i usually like eating with the little one at home.”
a genuine smile returns on your face as you lean closer just as he’s been. “i’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be a sign of neurodivergence.”
“a fork?” he challenges. “you know what, you’re smart and pretty, i believe anything you say.”
lightly you smack his arm and shake your head, calling him stupid with no malice as you sipped your drink. after a couple more minutes, the waiter comes out with your food. as soon as you take a bite, you look up at him wide eyed and make a sound of approval.
hal smiles like he’s won the lottery. “yeah? it’s good?”
with your eyes still closed now, you shake your head and chew. “very good.”
pushing your plate to him, he laughs and takes a forkful to try. only seconds later moaning egregiously enough that the older people in the tables next to you have dirty looks.
“this, is better than sex.” he admits more loudly than he needs to.
“really selling yourself short there,” you laughed.
blinking he laughs. “i mean, sex is objectively good right. but if the girls not feeling it then it’s never good. as a man, i’m objectively not as good as this pasta.”
this only makes you laugh harder. “that still didn’t make any sense.”
your mind eases off of jason for a while as he presses you for information about school and your future. he listens so intently that it makes you feel respected and valued. though this doesn’t last long because you’re left thinking about jason again before you’re trying to shake it off to no avail. the comparisons were hard to ignore.
hal had ordered the caviar he was anxiously wanted you to try and reluctantly you’d made some excuse not to. hal shrugs and eats the rest while you’re not sure whether to be endeared or slightly horrified. but even this wasn’t an issue.
the problem was exactly that. hal jordan had no red flags for you to focus on. nothing for you to say so you could argue that you weren’t ready or that he was rude enough to warrant never seeing him again. he was quite the opposite of being crude. the date was far from terrible. he’d picked you up from your place and even came up to your floor to walk you down. flowers waited for you on the passenger seat once he got you there.
even after the dinner was over and hal had paid for the bill, he wrapped his coat around you and respectfully walked you of the building with a hovering hand. still unsure if he could touch you but not ready enough to ask to. he held the door open as he let you back into his car. drove you back to your apartment and walked you up the stairs all over again. shamefully, all you could backtrack to was jason. all you could imagine was the parallels to jason at your front door, waiting for you to open it. now you were opening your heart to a boy you didn’t pay much mind to a month ago, no matter how physically attractive he was.
but hal had no problems to blame your inability to fall into to. no real issues to back up this feeling that he wasn’t yours because he isn’t jason.
you unlock your front door and push it open, standing in he doorway with the lillies he’d bought you. he stands behind you with his hands in his pocket and a sweet smile that should’ve made you melt, instead you felt like stone.
“thank you for tonight hal. i had a lot of fun.”
shrugging and nodding with that perfect, unfamiliar look on his face, he speaks. “i did too. i really hope i can take you out again soon, maybe something less fancy? this time i can cook for you?”
the thought only made you swirl further.
distant memories that felt closer than before reappeared. jason cooking in your kitchen with a soft hum coming from his throat as he chopped and stirred. him feeding you something saucy and cheesy before he kissed your lips to wipe the residue off. his hands travelling down your thighs while he pressed against you with his lame apron still on. his voice by your ear saying all the sweet things you’d ever wanted to hear. now you wanted to vomit.
you nod, looking into each of hal’s eyes and letting him lean in closer as he stares at your lips. the intention was clear and you felt frozen in place. he leans further in and presses his soft lips to yours, deepening it as his hand came up to hold your head. though you don’t love from your place. you didn’t reach out to touch his head back or let go of the flowers. instead your grip loosened a little and you let your head go a little limp as he held you closer, though his lips somehow felt colder than the last ones you’d touched. then he pulls away, gasping slightly and smiling with his eyes closed.
“you’re so perfect.” he whispers before he kisses your cheek and pulls away. “good night gorgeous.”
watching as his footsteps depart and you stand there with the flowers hanging low, petals facing the floor. after a minute you quietly slip into your house, a new sense of discomfort bubbling. you shut the door behind you and lean against it, flows slipping from your fingers and hitting the floor with a soft thud. a shudder runs though you.
you’re not sure how many minutes are spent like this, thoughts swirling you around and taking root in your mind. the thoughts of jason and unease guilt that you didn’t believe you should even harbour. somehow you felt angry, not with hal, and not even with jason, but with yourself.
slow, hot years rush down your cheeks as you bury your head in your hands.
what the fuck were you doing?
the door shuts behind him with a thud, a soft groan on his lips as he slips his shoes off.
everyone should be asleep in the frat house now. it’s nearly 1am and he’s lucky grayson didn’t lock hal out. but there’s a light on in the kitchen, and something told him he wasn’t going to be let off so easily.
quietly hal creeps toward the kitchen, pulling off his belt as he approaches and leaves it on the table in the hall like he’d had a long day at work.
“how’s your date?” a voice grumbles.
hal nearly jumps, “jeez, fuck—jason? what’re you doing up?”
from the dining table jason grumbles again. dimly lit but just visible enough, hal spots a beer and a ashtray in front of him. “couldn’t sleep.”
stalking a little closer, hal turns on another light. “waiting up for me to get home i assume?”
“doesn’t matter,” he quickly answers. “whatever forget i asked.” getting up and throwing his beer out.
hal only stands there, watching him move and murmuring a quiet, “alright then…”
then jason turns around. he freezes in the doorway before he turns to hal, something on his face that meant he was serious. “just don’t… hurt her, alright?”
“you mean like you did?” crossing his arms across his chest as he blankly stares at jason.
“yeah,” jason agrees, his eyes shining with a soft sheen that told hal he was clearly emotional while he was out. then he resorts to threatening. “don’t do what i did cause i swear to god i’ll make you regret it jordan.”
though hal sees how he seemed defensive without any real malice. jason seems genuinely sad as though he’s realized what he done just as he was weeks ago, moping around the house. this time he only seemed defeated, and it didn’t seem worth it to keep dragging jason’s past along.
easing back toward the table, hal shrugs him off. “look man,” he sighs, “you don’t have anything to worry about.”
jason perks up a little as he look back up again. “what do you mean?”
“i mean,” shuffling his feet as he mentally prepares himself to reassure jason. “she seemed distracted the whole night. like she’s in her own head thinking about something else. it wasn’t until we got to her apartment that she—”
before he knew it jason was in his face, dangerously close. “you went to her home?” anger in his tone.
“i didn’t go into her home, i just dropped her off to her front door. no big deal. it’s not like we fucked or anything.”
his mouth opens and closes again like he’s going to ask him something but he doesn’t. instead he takes a backwards step and nods slowly. “right. good. you should be seeing her get home. it’s uh, safer that way.”
squinting his eyes like jason was entirely transparent despite how he tried to make himself seem, hal shakes his head. the tension falls from its rising crescendo and hal leans onto the table as jason anxiously taps his foot. the two of them unsure how to proceed from here. then grayson walks into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing at his eyes.
“you idiots whisper yell very loudly.” turning his head to hal to hone in on him. “didn’t i say be back earlier?”
“well you don’t lock the door.” shooting a cheeky smile that grayson doesn’t find amusing.
jason uses the opportunity to excuse himself and takes a bottle of water from the fridge. tugging on the drawstrings of his hoodie as he walks out. “night.”
the two boys return the sentiment and grayson turns back to hal, before jason is too far to miss their words. “how’d it go? you kiss her?”
from the staircase, jason stayed put there and held his breath. waiting for hal’s response to what he knew he had no right to be angry over. the milliseconds it takes him to respond felt like an eternity to jason.
hal chuckles quietly, “it went good. really good. i’m gonna take her out again next week.”
grayson nods expectantly. “you didn’t answer the second part.”
“yeah,” hal starts with a fond smile on his face, “i kissed her.”
letting out a slow, controlled breath from his nose, jason stares into the abyss ahead of him. at the dark unlit hallway that lead to his room and stalks towards it without thinking about it.
he doesn’t stay long enough to hear what his brother says and goes straight to his room.
the ethics lecture was the most boring one they’d gone over and you wished you slept in.
students had fallen asleep on their desk across the lecture hall, theatre seating giving you great view to see what everyone was up to. you were still distracted from the events of the last week and how you’d done a date with hal only two days prior.
the thing is, you hadn’t told anyone about it yet. you hadn’t seen cassandra or grayson. hell you hasn’t even heard roy’s loud mouth in a week let alone seen jason.
now you were finishing up your notes and cross referencing it to the readings to understand what concepts overlapped. highlighting the theories that worked in contemporary cases and found something to discredit it for your final paper coming up. the professor spoke quickly as he went through the importance of ethics as a researcher. how you’d need to inform the participant of their role in your work and how they play an important part in pinpointing change.
how it was your job to be honest and responsible. to ensure you’ve spoke nothing but the truth to the people you’d involved. all you wanted now was to talk to jason. not that you’re sure what you’d say, just that his voice could ease your mind from everything else.
once the lecture is over, you’re the first one to leave. a sweet treat and coffee was in order for the fruits of your labour today—getting out of bed and going to a lecture.
the cafe air is always warm and inviting. the scent of arabian beans and baked goods drawing you closer to the counter. it’s a blessing that it’s located right at the edge of campus too, so when the library was too packed, you’d head here.
you take your drink and a house made brownie to head to the booth seat by the window. watching the clear blue sky and listening to the chatter in the cafe. you pull out your laptop and notebook, cracking your knuckles in anticipation for what awaits you and how much studying you needed to catch up on. no matter how hard you prepared, there was always more to do in university. plus, being a research assistant meant you’d have to push your work work aside to aid in a project.
though right as you open a new tab and click your pen, you see him.
jason walked into the store with his headphones on and his bag slung over his shoulder. he heads straight for the booth in front of you and ouuuu track his movements without making it obvious. though when he passes by your table, he slows down. his eyes fall over you as fast as he looked away, and you feel a sense of disappointment wash over you. then, he just slides into his seat and all you can see is his hair poking out the top of the booth from tall he is in comparison.
why were you disappointed that he didn’t really say hi, you’re the one who kinda ghosted him.
to yourself you blink. at the laptop you blink harder. no, you’re not being crazy right? why didn’t he reach out anyway? is this all justified to him like he doesn’t really even care? you guys have been studying together for a while now, and he always joins you so boyfriend or not, why didn’t he? aren’t you guys friends?
you’re standing up before you know it, grabbing your things and roughly shoving it in your bag. the reasoning had convinced you enough that he was the one being weird because he totally was. didn’t jason even say you did nothing wrong the other night?
“hey,” you say standing next to his booth.
he lifts his headphone from one ear, “uh hi.”
“why didn’t you sit with me?”
blinking as he pauses his music, jason slides his headphones off and gestures you to sit. quietly you do.
“i assumed you were busy.” he says as you sit.
“i wasn’t.” more timidly than you intended to.
he shrugs slightly, “it looked like you were.”
for a moment you still. maybe you were right. maybe he doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. but why won’t he just say it out loud?
jason fiddles with his headphones for a second before he decides the grain of the wooden table was more interesting. you however, weren’t amused. in fact, you were quite confused as to why he’d been avoiding you entirely.
“was it something that i said?“ plainly, you ask.
jason sighs and looks you in the eyes fully for the first time since you sat down. “we haven’t talked in days, what could you have said?”
“exactly,” nodding his sentiment along, “you’ve been avoiding me and i can’t figure out why…”
“i’ve just been busy.” he lies.
“liar.” you call him out. “we have the same classes.”
with his hands, he gestures slyly. “look,” not realizing how his tone gave him away. “you didn’t say anything wrong.”
“so i did something then.” you correct.
jason grumbles and says your name. “no, now you’re putting words in my mouth. we, you and i, we’re good. you don’t owe me anything ma. i just want you to be happy.”
the nickname makes your stomach flutter regardless. jason looks to his phone to a message from roy and sighs before standing up again.
but you’re thinking over the meaning behind his words. i just want you to be happy. you don’t owe me anything. where the hell was that coming from?
“i gotta go.” shoving his headphones into his bag and getting out of the booth.
“oh, already?” you try and fail to hide your disappointment.
he only nods, “i’ll see you around princess.”
then he walks off.
the meaning behind his words only swirled you more confused. the thoughts filling your mind and sending mixed signals throughout. his sudden cold demeanour had you thinking and overthinking, letting them sink through the fabric of your clothes and onto your skin like a brand you felt shameful wearing as it clicked.
fuck, jason knew.
—
“you’ve gotta be kidding me.”
grayson has always been terrible at hiding his actual feelings with you. he could hardly even mask it as he stretches his legs out for his run and shakes his head.
“you’re still in love with him. of course you are! you guys are both playing racket ball with my last couple of brain cells.” pulling his leg behind him into a deep stretch.
burying your face in the pillow on his bed, you try not to scream.
lucky jason wasn’t home according to grayson. he had gone up to the cottage to grab his bike apparently and decided to spend the weekend there so he wouldn’t be back until monday.
folding to lay his palms flat in the ground, he effortlessly continues. “i never liked the hal thing for the record. i’d prefer keeping you in the family.”
“gray, you’re not helpful at all.” you murmur from his pillow.
sighing, he stands upright. “alright. fine. you tell me then.” striding closer and ruffling you hair obnoxiously. “do you really love him?”
from the pillows you lift your head and look up at his watchful eyes, a arch in his brow that demanded honesty. slowly you nod.
“i think he made me understand what it means and i’ll always want him.” you admit.
grayson shakes his head at your response as you sit upright. “that’s not what i asked though. do you love him? because if you’re using hal to move on, that’s a disservice to both of you. hal and yourself.”
“not jason?” you raise a brow.
“nope.” he quickly answers. “that boy made his bed the first time he messed with you. everything else is fair game in my mind.”
that pulls a genuine laugh out of you. his honesty only making his statement funnier to you.
“aye, i’m serious. jason hurt you once, so i’m not sweating you trying to move on, even if it’s a little fast for you.” patting your shoulder softly as he moves back towards the door.
though a sinking guilt still held you, he made you feel a little better. “thanks gray.”
“anytime,” he smiles. “now you have no excuse to miss the party i’m throwing you.”
everything in your face drops, both in disbelief and shock. “for me? what?”
this only makes him smile wider. “ha, perfect keep that surprised face when everyone shows up. it’s not everyday someone gets into grad school like haven’t been gushing over it since their first year.”
before you can grumble his name or protest another party after last weekends where jason vaguely told you, “you did nothing ma.” grayson is already out the door. stomping down the stairs as his open door lets the sound of his voice travel.
“wear something nice please!”
the walk over to the frat house was obnoxious as the campus was packed. people gathered across the field with drinks and blankets, music and loud students celebrating their final days on campus.
there was no choice for you but to attend since grayson practically forced you to go.
opening the door to the house was where you saw just how much bigger this party was than he told you. loud music and synthetic smoke mixed to create a barrier that could make you feel intoxicated just by being there.
by the stairs, there was a group of people lounging and smoking. a huge bong between them and a couple joints being passed between the group. then there was people just standing near the door, lingering and talking. mostly flirting. in the living room was a game of spin the bottle and another group dancing to dancehall.
you hear your name being called just seconds before someone hands you a drink and you gracefully accept. grayson approaches you and eyes the cup.
“what’re you doing accepting random drinks when i made you a special punch eh?” wrapping his arm around your shoulder and walking you both towards the kitchen.
you laugh as he spins you by your finger and whistles at your outfit. “you actually listened and wore a skirt.”
gushing beside him is donna, roy’s arm lazily around her waist. “oh my god. you look so hot!”
taking in her attire you admire her. her black dress with sparkles that looked stars in a night sky. she was so effortlessly gorgeous.
“thanks.” you smile. “so are you. that dress is made for you.”
donna laughs and picks up a solo cup, handing it to grayson to pour as roy nods his head at you. then he whispers in her ear and grayson steals your attention once again bu handing you a full cup of punch that you just knew was 90% alcohol and 10% punch.
“this, my beautiful friend, is made solely for you.”
clinking his plastic cup with yours before taking a swig. reluctantly you do the same, taking a long sip of the drink made to inebriate you clearly. the taste made you wince and shake your head, hanging your tongue out of your mouth as you grimace.
“what did you put in this grayson?” you wince.
he laughs and rubs your back as you cough. “oh you know, seltzer, lime, vodka, don’t worry about it. it’s mean to get you drunk and let loose before you’re in that stuck up institution without me.”
“you’re in an institution right now.” you blink.
for a moment he thinks, then he shrugs. “whatever, did you eat yet?”
“uh. not dinner if that’s what you mean.”
he tsks at you and opens the cabinet, tossing a protein bar at you. you catch it and eye the bar before his face like you’d asked, why without saying the words. he gets it of course.
“cause i don’t want you puking at a party meant for you. so eat it please.” he kisses the back of your head dramatically and you could already tell just how drunk he was.
humourlessly, you let out a small laugh and shake your head. but you don’t miss when grayson catches roy’s eye. he tilts his head and mouths something that you would’ve missed if his distraction had worked. roy looks to grayson and shrugs, and his words you can make out.
i don’t know.
“girl,” donna snaps you out of your trance. “you look too good to stand around. dragging you out of the kitchen by your wrists.
you’re still sipping your drink as she pulls you over, needing the liquid courage to get you right to cope with this. she’s pulling you into the empty space and starting to dance a little while you rest your drink on the table. swaying her hips next to yours and humming thoughtfully to the song.
“come on!” she laughs and you can’t help but laugh too.
the liquid swirling you with more confidence as you start to raise your hands and let the beat thump through your body. slowly, you bring your arms up and up your body, swaying and letting your hair fall behind you. donna’s got her hands on your hips experimentally, moving you around and whooping. you play along and grind on her like she’s your man here. then you see stephanie and cassandra just lounging by the couches and you gesture them over.
they rise and dance with eachother, inching closer until all you could smell radiating off of everyone nearby was the intoxicating marijuana and alcohol that ruined you like no other.
but the name didn’t stick, and the blunt from between cassandra’s fingers made its way to your lips as she placed it there. smiling at you and loudly saying, “i’m glad you left your house smarty pants.”
you roll your eyes and blow out the smoke, the sensations intensifying as you grew more intoxicated. leaning closer to her face, you whisper yell, “why don’t you go dance with your girlfriend yeah?”
cassandra laughs and offers you another hit that you so gracefully accept, twirling as you take a long drag and pass it back over. she moves her way back towards stephanie and does the same in putting the blunt between her lips. you catch stephanie hollowing her cheeks and urging her closer, blowing the smoke right in her mouth.
you couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that rose inside you. what they had, you wanted so badly. you practically had it with jason, but now your here swirling in your thoughts because a smell and an action now attributed itself to him in your mind. slowly you sway over and slow your dancing, the thoughts filling you up in a way you hated.
a hand grazes your side and spins you to face them. a smile on his face that practically echoed his intentions.
“hey gorgeous.” hal greets you. “you look real good.”
you blink up at him, a little tipsy and definitely a little high. the cross fade making you open enough to lower your inhibitions. you smile back.
“hi hal, so do you.” letting his hands go around your waist so he could move with you slowly.
the people around you are grinding on eachother, but you knew well enough that that’s not why you wanted. instead, you move his hands that travelled lower and place them on your waist. he doesn’t even question it and lets you use him for support as you grabbed your cup and took another sip.
from the corner of your eye you see a girl touching up on a guy, his back turned so all you could see was the ripple of hard muscle under his shirt. but the way he moved was too familiar.
your breath hitched as you watched the scene unfold.
the redheaded girl dragged her hand down his chest as he turns to the side, one of his hands hovering over hers and the other flat at his side. she’s mouthing something close to his ear and he tilts his head to hear it. the air from the room felt like it was being sucked out as you saw his face. the girl giggles as jason whispers back, and you feel your heart pounding in your chest.
quickly you turn away and take a giant gulp. unknowingly you had been gripping at hal’s chest and he had just let you. his eyes followed where yours had led and he frowns slightly as you pull away to down your drink.
“you okay?” he suddenly asks.
you clear your throat. “yeah, i’m fine,” fake smiling to sell your words.
“don’t do that,” he rasps in your ear. “it’s okay to still love him.”
that takes you back and you look up to him, his hands still locked around your waist.
“what?” you quietly say.
he smiles like it’s the easiest thing. “you heard me. it’s not a crime to be in love. hell, he’s a lucky guy to have a girl like you.”
the implication made your face burn. he knew you’d been in love with jason all this time, but he didn’t want to make you feel bad about it.
your lips part as you rasp his name as though in apology. though hal just shakes his head.
“it’s okay, i’m fine. i knew you liked him all this time, i kinda thought i could get you to understand there was more out there. part of me just always knew.” smiling sweetly.
taking a moment to look into his eyes, you gauge his sincerity. hal only mirrors everything he said because he meant it deeply, and that somehow made it worse. you feel your heart twist.
“i’m sorry,” voice breathy as you purse your lips.
he just smiles and shakes his head, looking up to where jason was before he spins you around. “let’s dance over there yeah?”
feeling his energy shift, you frown at him and turn around anyways. and you could feel your heart breaking into couple dozen pieces. the girl had her hands in his hair as though they’d just kissed, and you’re standing here feeling like an idiot as she runs her fingers through jason’s hair.
suddenly this party didn’t feel so fun anymore. a small sigh escapes you as you abruptly turn back around to hal, hand touching his chest like you needed it to keep you sane. he clasps his hand over yours and tilts your head up at him.
“it’s okay,” he whispers close by your ear. “you can show him what he’s missing.”
before you could ask what he’d met, he lowers his face to yours and presses his lips against you. a gentle peck meant to prove something that you weren’t even sure you wanted to show. a muffled sound of surprise gets swallowed by his as he deepens the kiss, opening one of his eyes just to see if jason was looking. you feel him smile against your lips as your wide eyes watch his, looking past you to ensure that jason knew exactly what he meant by what he’d been missing.
jason never wanted to come to this party. he’d told grayson as much when called him and told him to stay longer at the cottage because he didn’t want him to bother you.
he was happy for you of course. the fact that you’d gotten into the school of your choice and got what you’d deserve was everything he could have ever hoped for. you were the one person he was sure deserved every part of this.
though jason couldn’t stay in those four walls any longer and not think about how close he was to having you again.
the memories rang like church bells on a sunday morning. there was no escaping it.
now he’s come back to the frat house to go rot in his room when he found that someone already made their way up here and stole his bong. entirely annoyed and grumpy over many different reasons, he made his way downstairs, still in his black tee and grey sweatpants like he didn’t belong there.
as soon as he’s met with the scent of alcohol, jason grimaces from the last time he’d been drinking and recalled the events. he moves his way towards the living room to get away from all the things mixed in the punch that’s was in the kitchen.
though only two steps into the living room, he sees you—dancing. a slight wick of sweat on your brow as you moved carefree, hands on your friends shoulders while her hands were in the air. the way you moved was intoxicating enough for him. the air tightened and the room quieted as he saw you there and jason felt himself moving closer without even realizing, just magnetized to you especially now.
he made it a point to see who else was nearby, watching stephanie take cassandra’s hand and dance closer. then he averted his gaze to the men by the wall and saw the one person he definitely didn’t want to see.
hal fucking jordan.
the blood in his veins boiled for reasons he didn’t want to voice. something tore through his skin like it wanted to break free and grab him by the collar. part of jason wanted to physically fight him, no reason than for how close he’d gotten to you. but you kissed him. or maybe hal kissed you. either way jason knew you well enough to know you wouldn’t kiss him if you didn’t like him or at least didn’t see it heading that way.
jason sighs lowly as he sees hal down the rest of his cup and make his way over to you.
maybe he should get to you first, he thought.
no, you’re happy. at least you looked happy.
he talks himself out of it just as hal touches your hip. still halfway through lunging at him, someone touches jason’s shoulder and he turns to see roy standing next to a redheaded girl.
“jason, my friend here said she thinks you’re good looking.” straight to the point, roy says.
the girl smiles sheepishly, “hi.” her voice hoarse like she’d drank too much already. inebriated enough to have no social awareness.
roy smiles and steps behind her, shooting a wink at jason before leaving them to it. jason cusses under his breath before she drags her hand down his chest.
“woah, you’re like really fit.” giggling as she traces her hands down his pecks.
laughing uncomfortably, he takes her hands gently off his chest. “uh, thanks. did you come here with your friends?”
she hums and leans closer to him, the heady scent of alcohol on her breath as she gets closer. “they don’t mind though. do you mind?”
he looks over her shoulder to see hal with his hands around your waist, speaking in your ear too intimately for his comfort. he tenses at the action but watches as you do the same, your hand at your side clenching and your nails digging into your palms. watching as you bite your lip, not in the way he loved when you wanted him to touch you, but as though you were uncomfortable.
jason turns his attention back to her as she loops her fingers through his belt loops and quickly grabs her hands.
“woah, woah.” still uncomfortably laughing as he presses her hands to her stomach trying hard to keep her away. then he lets her go. “easy.”
“what?” she giggles, running her hands up his back and through his hair. “you got a girlfriend or something?”
immediately he nods, “yeah actually i’m supposed to go meet her so.” he backs up and takes her hands off him once again.
jason looks left and right and spots roy watching from afar. a stupid grin on his face as he waves at jason. giving him an annoyed look, jason gestures him closer and he reluctantly comes. feet slow as he approaches like jason’s an animal that could pounce on him at any moment.
“hey you two,” he points. “you guys alright?”
jason’s scoffs, “yeah asshole. can you make sure she gets to her friends? i don’t think she should be alone this off drunk.”
the girl scoffs too, “i’m perfectly fine actually.”
he shoots her a look before looking back to roy. the girl waves him off annoyed and moves behind roy to text on her phone. though roy puts his hand over his shoulder and sighs.
“look man, i was just trying to help. i mean she’s moved on, i feel like you should too. get laid and get over her y’know?” gripping his shoulder tight with one hand.
“no,” jason shakes his head. “i’m perfectly fine how i am, thanks.”
“i don’t know dude. i feel like all this yearning isn’t healthy.” roy shrugs and sips his beer.
jason pulls his arm off of him and sideeyes roy like he’s personally offended him. “hal said they kissed, sure, but i don’t think she really likes him like that.”
“really?” roy says with a grimace on his face, pointing ahead as he stares. “are you sure about that?”
“what do you mean?”
heart pounding in his chest as he follows roy’s gaze to where you stood. reality felt like it had sped through fast and time was slipping from between his fingers. the music faded like a dramatic movie as he watched hal, kissing you.
his lips parted as he watched, mouth gape and his hands balled into fists.
his filthy hands touched your chin and pulled you closer while the other rested on your waist. he watched as he deepened the kiss and leaned closer into you, back arching slightly as your hand unclenched and opened in the air.
taking the beer from roy’s hand, jason abruptly turns. “you have my car keys no?” he suddenly asks.
roy stammers, pulling the keys from his pocket, “yeah but, are you okay? considering what you just saw—”
jason grabs the keys and walks away quickly. making his way through the crowd and out to the garage, shutting the door behind him shut.
it was clear to him now—you were happier without him around.
—
only the loud bass and the thumping in your chest could be heard from between you. parting from hal, your hand immediately went up to your mouth. cupping your lips and wiping them unintentionally as you blinked up at him.
“what was that for?” huffing as you stared at him.
“what? i thought you wanted him to know you’re okay without him too.” he furrows his brows.
horrified, you turn around to where jason stood and find him nowhere to be seen. you flicker your gaze over the crowd, over the people, over the dancing bodies and the smoke filled air—but nothing. jason wasn’t here anymore.
he was leaving again.
you push slightly as hal’s chest. “i know you mean well but, i didn’t want him to think—”
“shit,” hal interrupts, his hand at the back of his own neck rubbing soothingly. “i just assumed. fuck, i’m really sorry, i thought… i should’ve asked.”
you were sure you had tears in your eyes now. the thought of jason having to see you with someone else made you feel like your blood had frozen over.
you stammer as you back away from him. “i have to find him.”
in recognition, he nods. “yeah, of course. i can explain it to him if anything.”
but you’ve already run from the living room, storming through the crowd like a madwoman. pushing past the drunk people in the hallway and storming up the stairs to his room.
you put the door open and jason isn’t there. just as fast as you went up, you ran back down, heart thumping in your ears as you caught a glimpse of roy sitting on the couch with the same girl as earlier in his lap. you stride right over to them.
“roy,” you gasp. “where’s jason?”
immediately he sees the raw emotion on your face. the way the colour seemed to drain from it and how you seemed like you were about to throw up from the looks of it. his expression shifts from the flirty front he puts on into the friendly, caring one he only recently exposed to you.
he nods slowly. “he took his car keys from me and left. he didn’t say where though i’m sorry.”
the girl in his lap tilts her head at you, clearing sizing you up. “isn’t that the grump tall guy? girl don’t even bother, he said he’s got a girlfriend.”
the pang in your chest only tightens as you realized he didn’t even kiss this girl. he told her he had a girlfriend and you knew there was no one else. he was talking about you. and now he’s seen you seemingly making out with hal in his brothers frat and everything fell into place. like pieces of a puzzle that was horribly mixed up.
roy snaps you out of it when he speaks up.
“i parked in the garage if that helps.” his lips in a small frown like he were sorry.
you nod as you back away and head straight for the garage door. feeling tears welling in your eyes and a pit in your stomach as you inch closer.
what if he left already?
what if he’s come to the conclusion that this was all too hard to deal with and he was better off just finding someone new when he got one of those grad schools across the country?
part of you felt guilty now for ever even trying with hal when you don’t feel the spark you desperately craved from one person. but you kept telling yourself you should try. that jason was ignoring you because he had already decided for the both of you.
by the time you get to the door and push it open, you feel entirely sober by his car still there.
you sigh in relief as you get to the passenger seat and yank it open. sitting in the chair quickly and shutting the door behind you just to find jason sitting there gripping the steering wheel like it was the only thing grounding him right now.
your name on his tongue was sweeter than it should’ve been on these circumstances.
“what’re you doing here?” he sighs. “should you be in there?”
steadying yourself you purse your lips and bite your tongue. jason furrows his brows and tilts his head at you.
“hey,” making you turn to him still unable to entirely meet your gaze. “are you okay?”
you nod as your lip trembles. how do you tell him that you’re madly in love with him and even with a new, perfect guy, all you can imagine is jason.
his demeanor shifts at your inability to respond.
“did he,” jason starts. “did hal fucking hurt you?”
“no, jason.” picking at your nails and sighing. “he didn’t do anything wrong.”
then, slowly, he nods as if in realization. face slipping back to the same blank compliance as before. “right. he’s your boyfriend, sorry.”
“he’s not my boyfriend jason.” you snap. “god, you ignore me all week and then you make think you’re making out with some random girl.”
projecting like you weren’t the one kissing someone else. though that’s besides the point.
“hey, i wasn’t kissing anyone.” flickering his eyes over your face, taking in the way your skin paled. “i swear, i didn’t.”
“why not?” unable to hide the way your voice broke. “i mean i hurt you. i wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to write me off.”
that makes him scoff more harshly than he intended. “why would i do that when i have…” stopping himself. “when i don’t want them?”
his response only makes you feel worse though the way he was holding himself back from admitting the truth, it only makes you want it more.
“why not?” the words come out small.
jason furrows his brows. “why?”
“yeah,” you look at him, tears still glazing over your eyes. “why not?”
“because,” he stammers. “there’s no timeline on moving on. you can do whatever you want so i can also take my time no?”
“please, you’ve been avoiding me like a sickness and staring at hal like he kicked your dog.”
clenching his jaw, jason sighs heavily. “that’s not true.”
“isn’t it?” scoffing as you watch the side of his face. “you hate me and him and it’s my fault.”
groaning out your name like it hurt to say, “i don’t hate you. i could never hate you.”
“then why are you ignoring me?” you ask, interrupting him before he can do it to you. “and why aren’t you coming to class? or ever here when come to see grayson or hal—”
but that clearly pushed a button and jason snaps.
“because i can’t fucking stand him!” he raises his voice.
the sound taking you aback and a small scoff escapes past your lips as you watch him breathe heavier. nodding your head, you turn completely towards him in your seat and tuck a foot under your knee just to look directly at his face.
“you could stand him perfectly fine a couple weeks ago when he wasn’t going out with me.” crossing your arms as you stare at him.
his head shakes as he grips the steering wheel tightly. “it’s not that simple and you know it.”
“oh please, enlighten me then jason.” you press on, entirely over this situation and needing him just as badly as you wanted to hate him.
“you—” he starts and stops again.
you’re watching him as he shuts his eyes and lets out a deep exhale. suddenly he looks up to your side and trails his gaze over your face, lifting his fingers towards you like he’s twitching just to touch you.
in his eyes, you find the same adoration you’ve always loved, but now it’s accompanied by a bitter taste. he presses on.
“when i see you with him, i feel like i’m suffocating. like the air around me has been sucked away and i can’t do anything about it cause i did it to myself.”
parting your lips as you watch him confess what he’s hidden for weeks, you listen. brows upturning as he shakily breaths out your name.
“it’s selfish, i know. you’re your own person and i ruined us with all the lies. so you’re more than allowed to date other people. i just can’t… i—i can’t be around it. i won’t.” gulping as he looks at your hands in your lap now, wanting badly to hold them in his. “i know there’s too much baggage between us and i i hurt you but part of me thought we’d figure it out?”
his tone upturned at the end as though he’d contemplated within himself before voicing it.
“—is that why you’re leaving?” interrupting his thoughts and barely concealing the emotions that threatened to spill over. “because of me?”
something in his eyes seem to soften then, flickering and fanning out like all hope had dissipated.
his voice is quiet and unsure as he rasps. “what?”
“you don’t have to lie jason and you sure as shit don’t have to avoid me like the plague. i just wanted to feel wanted like a person and not a fucking prize.” slow tears slipping down your warm cheeks. “you never told me you were going to leave me though.”
taking a large gulp, he shakes his head. “i was never going to leave you.”
but you’re shaking your head. “i know you applied to grad schools across the country and i know you got it. i just can’t understand why you hid that part from me.”
furrowing his brows like he’s trying to understand where you got to that conclusion, he looks deep in thought. then recognition flickers behind his eyes and he leans closer, clasping your hands in his. staring into your eyes like he were sorry. you sniffle as he takes your hands and try not to sob at how royally you’d felt like you’d fucked this up.
“bruce told you at gordon’s event didn’t he? fuck, i wanted to be the one to do it.” he searches your face when you look down into your lap. though jason follows your head and tilts his. “i’m sorry. i said no more lies and i hid this.”
he leans even closer, enough to smell your perfume and the slight intoxicating scent of lingering weed illuminating between you. jason sighs and holds back his own emotions. “i feel like i’m always apologizing to you like an idiot.”
between quiet sniffles you find yourself leaning closer to him, searching unconsciously for comfort. you lean your head onto his shoulder.
“you’re not an idiot. i just can’t stand to lose you jay.” the quiet admission slips.
immediately he cradles your head there, leaning his own head on top of yours and gently touching your cheek. he whispers a small shaky noise that sounded to your name before he takes a shallow breath.
“you’re allowed to be happy. if he’s making you happy then i want that for you.”
you pull away to look at him, the motion evident all over your face now that he could see it again.
“damn it jason, i’m not fucking happy! i didn’t move on,” elevating your voice like you were speaking to yourself more than him. probably still more intoxicated than you felt. “i don’t love hal. i don’t, love anyone else but—” you cut yourself off.
the car suddenly feels a lot smaller. the doors seemingly doing nothing to make you feel closer to jason despite how close you say next to another. the silence stretched for what felt like minutes but was only seconds.
but jason, his eyes were glued to yours.
“you love someone else?” voice small as he carefully watches you. waiting patiently for you to fill in blanks he desperately wanted to be right about.
slowly, you nod as a tear slips down your face. “you jason. it’s you.”
his hands touch your face delicately. thumb grazing over the warm tear as he held you close. from how close you say now, you could see the tears welling in his eyes and the relief that flooded as he switched between your eyes.
“you love me?” breathlessly, he said.
unable to say anything through your broken tears, a sob breaks out as you nod. jason presses his forehead to yours and whispers your name, over and over like he’s counting his blessings.
“please,” he rasps, “please say it. i want to hear it ma, please.”
between sobs, you melt against him. tearing wetting your lashes and his skin.
“i love you jason todd. i love you so much that it’s causing me physical pain.” laughing a little at the end as he joins you.
“yeah baby? well, the feeling is mutual and i love you more than i’ve ever loved anything or anyone.” gazing into your eyes like it held the key to all of his prayers.
pulling you closer like there wasn’t a dashboard between you. all resolve crumbs as you climb over it and into his lap, straddling him tight. his hand grazes over you hair and pushes it back as he makes you face him, wiping the tear streaks from your skin. he shushes you as you sniffle.
“don’t cry baby, i’m not leaving. i’m never leaving you again. you hear me?” kissing your cheeks as you pull at his shirt. “i didn’t pick a school yet. i haven’t chosen one because i can’t breathe if you’re not close.”
you hum as you pull at his shirt again, tugging him closer and letting him lean you against the steering wheel. pulling his hair back to watch his handsome face smile up at you. your eyes flicker to his lips and he smiles brightly as he drops his hands to your thighs, kneading the plush there.
“you want something princess?” teasing despite the circumstances.
you can’t help but laugh and roll your eyes. “just kiss me already jason.”
“for you? anything.”
then he’s on you, pressing his perfect lips to yours. it feels like your floating over yourself as he deepens it, holding you tight against him as shops his tongue down your throat. you him into his mouth, moaning lowly as you hips mindlessly shift against him. jason groans and bucks his hips slightly, biting your lip to make the sweet sound slip past your lips and to his ears.
“baby,” he rasps against your mouth.
though you don’t part, instead you tug at his shirt and pull up the hem. jason gets the message immediately, letting you pull it up enough for him to take it off all the way. his shirt is off when you trail your fingers down his abs, touching the hard muscle that you missed like a pillow. you graze your fingers up and down while you kiss down his jaw, eliciting a gorgeous moan from him that felt like music to your ears.
fumbling with your skirt while you undid his belt, you could feel how hard he was beneath you.
“are you sure?” breathlessly he says while you nip up by his ear.
nodding, you moan against his skin, biting the love and kneading it with your teeth.
“yeah jay.” you rasp. “i need you.”
it’s enough to spur him further, hiking up your skirt as you push his jeans down with his boxers. you feel his hard length against your bare inner thigh, painfully hard and leaking in your need.
he’s moving to pull your panties down when you stop him, taking his hand and guiding him to push them to the side instead. urgency in your movements as you watch the realization in his eyes. jason only smiles as you guide his length to press against you. the message is clear as he nods and kisses you again, pecking your lips in little movements as though savouring you.
then you’re pressing down against him, mouth parting as you take him. seating yourself down as he holds you, guiding your hips when you try to take him at once. jason stops you before you try to let him all the way in. he sighs like he’s straining himself.
“breathe baby,” gulping as sweat wicks his forehead. “no rush. breathe. it’s all yours yeah? i’m all yours.”
you nod as you lean forward again, capturing his lips and lapping at him. he tightens his hold on you as you tilt your head, pressing him further into his seat as you begin to shift your hips. sinking further down against him, jason guides you there.
he doesn’t thrust up into you when you take him completely. instead, he parts from your lips, letting you breathe with a line of spit between you from how desperately you both needed eachother. jason groans lowly as you continue to shift your hips, dropping his head against the seat as praises escape from your lips.
“so good jay,” whining as you bounce against him. “you’re so perfect baby.”
jason returns the whine and bites his lip. this only excites you further, knowing how it pushes his buttons and turns him on. you know your man. grinding against him harder, you moan as he kneads your ass in his palms. little moans and words of affirmation as the signs of him losing himself made you want it more.
“i love you,” he moans helplessly, saying your name over and over. “god, i love you so much.”
“i love you too baby.” you whisper against his lips. “you’re so good. fuck, you’re so big.”
he makes another whimpering sound, his hips stuttering against yours as your movements only grew wilder.
“shit baby, don’t say that. i’m gonna lose it.” groaning as he throws his head back again, entirely lost in the feeling of you.
the peak was creeping over on you too. you could feel yourself there, sensitive enough to let go, but not enough to get him there first. hips moving in tandem with yours as he bucked up into you.
“good,” you sighed dreamily, smiling down at jason who’s just barely keeping it together. “i want you to let go.”
“oh fuck,” he moans.
he bites his lip so hard you think he’s gonna make it bleed. fingers digging into your thighs like an anchor. another whimpering sound that grew into a moan as he dropped his head to your chest. lazily grinding against you as he held you tight against him.
“please jay,” knowing exactly what you were doing. voice breathy and seductive. “i wanna feel it inside me.”
the response is immediately as he sputter and loses all semblance of himself. his hips buck up, once, twice, and he hold it deep inside you. letting go and painting you inside as he made swallow thrusts.
the feeling crashes over you too as soon as you feel it, crying out as he held you through it, guiding your hips still. he makes sure to rock you through your peak, lazily grinding as you gasped for air.
coming down while he kept you close, collapsed against his chest. melting into him while he caught his breath. jason sucks in a sharp breath and sighs. his spent leaking onto his lap and he didn’t care.
“i meant it.” he admits while you’re still reeling.
you hum quietly to tell him to continue.
“that i love you. that i’m never leaving you.” already kissing your dampened hair as he remained seated inside you.
“i meant it too,” you croaked, entirely spent. “i love you jason todd.”
the smile on his face could be felt through your hair, and he laughed as he tightened his hold around you. almost crushing but you couldn’t care less if you tried.
“so,” his voice still sounded unsure like he was gauging your opinion and didn’t want to overstep. “does this mean i can call you my girlfriend now?”
putting a hand to his chest to lift yourself, you look him in the eyes. squinting as you smack his chest lightly.
“i’ll kill you if you don’t.”
a slow smile creeps over his handsome face. the expression only makes you want to jump his bones again like he wasn’t hardening inside of you all over again. jason cups your cheek and pulls you in for another sloppy, wet kiss. slipping his tongue past your lips and biting your lip as he parts.
“good. cause i’m gotham u offers a good criminology masters program and i’m thinking of accepting it.” pressing his lips to your nose and to your forehead as you giggle.
then his word click and you gasp. “gotham u?”
he nods dreamily with his eyes half lidded, watching you. “well if my girlfriend is still going there then—”
“yes!” you shove him further into his seat, taking the turn to kiss all over his face. “a million times yes. don’t you dare,” speaking between kisses, “change your mind.”
he pinches your side so you stop and leans his forehead against yours again. either hand on the sea of your face like he was trying to memorize how you felt and brand it to his skin. jason stared lovingly into your eyes and you felt it, deeply.
for the first time in months, you felt love unconditionally and unapologetically reciprocated.
“i wouldn’t dream of it princess.” eyes twinkling as he stared at you.
looking into his eyes, the future didn’t feel so scary anymore.
i’d like to apologize for how long you had to wait for this. i am currently battered and bruised but i feel super accomplished now that this is done too. nerdystoner!jason i love you!
“meant it” | nerdystoner!jason | university au | smut
summary: jason’s finding hard seeing you move on from him so his solution is to keep his distance. fortunately, he can’t even manage that.
tags + extras: college!au, angst, smoking, drinking, smut, reader is (was) a virgin. car sex. jealousy, frat houses mentioned, bsfs!brother, yes the reader has more than one bsf. plottwist. dick is in a frat because of course out of all the batboys it would be him. jason is not in a frat cause he wouldn’t join it, he’d think its stupid but would stick around for some parties for funsies.
a/n: the long awaited finale!! so so sorry, life got busy and the university experience was killing me as it is the characters in this au lmao. anyway, i hope this lives up to your expectations and doesn’t disappoint. unfortunately i couldn’t proofread cause i had my first amateur boxing match last night (and won yay) so i didn’t have time to proofread.
the funny thing about saying something out loud is that it solidifies itself by whoever heard it.
being caught off guard and saying something you’d never really considered before and it takes root in your life as your word is held against you. something about this whole situation reminded you of the fundamentals of primary school and the golden rules you were supposed to follow.
treat others the way you want to be treated.
think before you speak.
something must’ve gotten lost in translation because everything seems to be going to shit.
back inside of the house, jason is nowhere to be found.
you duck into his room, check grayson’s, and then ultimately decide to check back downstairs again. nothing. pulling out your phone to call jason when you run into grayson, walking right into him as you descend down the stairs.
“woah, slow down,” he holds your shoulders straight, “where are we going?”
waving your phone around vaguely, “i was looking for jason but i think he left?”
grayson nods, “yeah. he went on a liquor run with roy and wally.”
“huh,” nodding back, you hum, “liquor run.”
“yeah, it’s a pool party this time so guaranteed need a couple kegs and something strong for shots.” continuing while you walk with him to the now fixed window and shooing away barry and oliver who were standing way too close to comfort. “and whoever did this shit is gonna get their ass beat when i find them.”
“makes sense.” you barely reply, watching as people move around you but not really paying attention.
the last few days have been, eventful to say the least. then hal threw in that curveball that just caused another spiral of what you and jason even were. he apologized, yes, and of course you want jason. you’ll always want jason but you’ve spent so much time now on him, trying to get over him to no avail. weeks of your life distancing yourself only to get pulled back to him again.
saying yes to hal felt like more of an unconscious decision than you actually wanting to date him.
it’s probably mean but he threw you off when he suddenly asked you out and it almost felt like a sign. that you had options and that not being with jason wasn’t the end of the world even if it felt like it. maybe hal could give you some perspective.
it’s not like hal jordan is ugly by any means. you’ve seen him without a shirt and he’s insanely ripped, much like grayson is. he’s pretty too, the kind that would make anyone do a double take.
but in the back of yours mind you still knew.
he’s not jason.
“hey,” grayson suddenly says, “you keep zoning out on me.”
you turn to face him, “yeah, sorry.”
he shakes his head and points a finger at your forehead, “don’t apologize. what’s going on in that head of yours?”
with a heavy sigh and no patience left to lie, “i hooked up with jason again.”
grayson’s eyes widen, “oh, i didn’t need to know that—” he sighs, “uh, isn’t that a good thing?”
you nod slowly, “i think so.”
from behind the two of you, the party began to get bigger. glassing clinking and laughter ringing. roaring music as tim whispered something in connor’s ear and he clicked away on his phone. hal had already joined the crowd with his shirt crooked on his body and a hand clasped around a beer. the front door was opening and closing more than you could count and the bodies stacking inside were more than the previous ones you’d been to probably because it was the last one of the school year. but jason wasn’t back yet.
someone bumps into you from behind and touches your waist to steady you from falling.
“oops sorry. ‘m a clutz.” laughing as she lets go of your side to get a better look at you. “wait, i know you!”
she smiles bright, her hair dark and beautiful. her eyes had the prettiest sparkle to them. you blink at the girl in front of you and exchange a glance with grayson.
“are you in my program?” you ask.
grayson cuts in, “no, this is donna. you met her at the last party.”
you nod slowly as the gears turn you recognize her face from spin the bottle. “oh, hey. sorry.”
“you were dating jason right?” a clear slur in her voice that told you’d she’d been drinking for a while before getting here, “ugh i was talking to roy and he’s such a dog. both of them are honestly. i just can’t believe jason made that bet about you seriously. all my sisters are uber pissed and swore to keep away for at least another week.”
your stomach drops at her words and the creeping feeling of embarrassment takes form. though another form of jealousy crept too.
“you all heard?” you ask quietly.
donna nods immediately, “of course, everyone kinda did. but and of course roy is still up jade’s ass so whatever.”
she doesn’t notice how you’re demeanour shifts just barely. the creeping unease from everyone knowing your existence from a bet, no matter how much reassurance jason gave you. it was finally in front of you. you’d seen how you’re known to people you don’t really even know—as a joke.
twisting his head slightly, dick read how her words were hitting you before you’d even said anything yourself. he gestures to her hand quickly. “you’re drinking pink whitney?”
she shrugs and holds her cup up, “of course. don’t act like it’s not good.”
“never said that it’s just banned from this frat. too many bad memories.”
a distant shout makes grayson turn his attention that way again. when you turn too, you see conner with blood dripping down his neck and a face palming tim. the needle in conners hand is barely visible from where you were but you could see enough to know he was adjusting a new piece of metal in his lip, matching the other side.
he pierced himself and didn’t even seem fazed.
“for fucks sake,” grayson murmurs under his breath before putting hand up to both of you and storming over towards them.
“i told him not to do it,” tim sighs and shrugs while conner looks pleased with himself, already tonguing at the snake bite.
grayson grabs the towel and holds it to his lip himself, like the responsible guy he tries to be. “this is the last time you pierce yourself dude. just go to the fucking tattoo parlor across the street.”
beneath the paper towel, conner laughs but it comes out more muffled, “‘n pay sixty-five bucks? ya right.”
you’d probably been smiling at their interaction or just tuned out so much that donna tapped you again.
“do you want get a drink too? i’m basically out.”
glancing towards the front door once more, like it could bring jason back faster, you slowly nod. the two of you move towards the kitchen and donna starts talking about astrology and zodiac signs. she explains how her sign is compatible with most people but you don’t quite remember what her sign even was from how fast she talked. by the time she’s pouring you a drink in a solo cup and handing it to you, she starts talking about roy again.
“—he’s a dick. a real piece of work but when we’re alone he’s sweet. i don’t get it.” she sighs before gesturing towards you vaguely at how zoned out you were again, “but i’m sure jason is similar right? they are bestfriends.”
though you answer immediately, your blood warm from the alcohol already, “no. he’s actually really sweet in every situation. just kindhearted like it’s in his blood, i don’t know, it’s kind of infuriating.”
she nods along, “he keeps to himself yeah. just a real ass for making that bet over you babe. i’m sorry about that.”
grimacing softly, you sigh, “why’re you sorry? it’s not like you did it.”
“i mean, it just doesn’t make sense.” donna dramatically groans, “he’s in love with you! why’d do men do terrible things to the women they love?”
you down the rest of your cup and immediately regret it with a groan of disgust before shrugging, “it’s not love. it’s like a race of endurance. who can take more hardship from someone whose supposed to make their life easier.”
she laughs with her pretty teeth out, bumping shoulders with you, “you sound like you’ve had a lot of shitty boyfriends.”
“one was enough,” you genuinely laugh too before it simmers into something deeper, “and he’s not shitty and that’s the problem.”
she frowns, “oh babe, i know exactly what you mean.”
the front door continues to open and close, inviting new people in and letting others out. between the shuffling, the two of you slide onto the counter, legs crossed towards the other. that’s when a thought occurs to you again and it demands to be discovered. you gulp before you speak.
“um… did you really mean what you said earlier? that everyone heard what roy said?”
donna’s frown deepens before she nods, “the people around us and other sorority did.”
“who cares though? after you graduate, you’ll never gonna see these losers again.”
she jumps off the counter, “let’s go, show ‘em how hot you are.”
sipping your drink, you glancing towards the party through the doorway. you blink at her than down at your clothes that wasn’t meant for a party.
“nah i’m good in here.” lying right through your teeth like you were any form of good right now.
she rolls her eyes and drags you anyways, back towards the loud music. as soon as you’re back you see shots being poured by roy and wally. the two of them arguing over who had better taste in music while you walked over with donna. when you look to donna to tell her to ignore roy, she’s already got hearts in her eyes and you sigh softly to yourself.
“—all you listen to is fucking faye webster,” roy sighs, “i bet you listen to taylor swift too.”
wally gasps like he’s offended, “okay that’s where i draw the line.”
when roy opens his mouth again, conner drapes his arms around both of their shoulders, “both of you have shit taste, how’s that?”
as soon as roy squints at tim over conners shoulder. though tim only smiled tightly and tilts his head towards where you stood with donna. he catches donnas eye and he shoots her a stupid smile. the kind you recognize from him as the one he makes to women he wants to sleep with. you step slightly in front of her like a protective boyfriend or something even though you’d just met her. cause you know what roy is like and in the little time you’d known donna, you know how he makes her feel with so little words.
“have you seen jason?” you say with a tilt of your head.
roy shrugs, “he’s probably still being the keg inside.”
you frown, “you let him bring a whole keg in alone?”
“have you seen the man?” asking with genuine confusion towards you, “he’s fucking ripped.”
as if you even have to think about it, you nod and turn to go find him. donna’s already making her way towards roy before you can tell her anything. so you continue your way towards the garage.
music slowly getting quieter as you walk down the hall and into the laundry room. ignoring the people making out on top of the washer and dryer as you open the garage door and find it still open. and jason’s mustang still on. but he was nowhere to be found there. you circle the car and turn the corner to no avail still. jason wasn’t there. you turn towards the front door and still don’t find him. with an exasperated groan, you stomp towards the backyard door to try again at finding him because there’s no way he just left his car on right?
“you looking for something?” a husky voice calls out.
before you’d even touched the backward door, you spin on your heel to find jason there. blunt burning between his fingers as he leaned against his car.
“yeah actually.” as you approach him, “you.”
his face stays the same as he takes another drag. eyes not lifting from you and the same stoic look on them.
“so, you found me.” he says as he blows the smoke out. the grey clouding around him and the sour smell of marijuana radiating off of him. heady in the way that distracts you.
you nod like it means something and lean next to him. “you always seem to smoke in the same spot so if you were trying to hide, should try harder.”
jason sighs and stretches his shoulders, “i guess i’m getting predictable.”
the moment pauses as you try to decipher the meaning in his words. “i didn’t say it was a bad thing.”
his eyes meet yours as he pushes off the wall. “neither did i.”
making quick work to ash out his barely lit joint, he flicks it away as he pivots and moves to go back inside without even a glance towards your direction. something in your stomach twists. you frown to yourself before deciding to ask him.
“did i do something wrong?”
jason turns his head just enough to look at you. his hand still on the door as he pulls it open. the smile that he gives you barely reaches his eyes as that same exhaustion you’d seen earlier had returned.
“nah ma, you didn’t do anything.”
then the door follows behind him, leaving you in the cold air to think to yourself. just long enough to decide that you should go home and give the both of you some space.
space you knew would eat away at your sanity.
luckily, you’re not much of a drinker so waking up early wasn’t hard to do after last night.
getting to gordon’s presentation on his new paper was easier than your morning practicals, at least today. naturally as his assistant and amateur researcher, you’d been invited to attend the gala thrown by the sponsors.
by the time you arrived, the guests were set up and the audience was packed. gordon’s standing by the bar with some of the law professors, holding a darkened drink that was definitely bitter and pretentious. a select few men with their hair slicked back had gathered around where gordon stood. conversing and laughing in a pitch that exhibited more wealth than you’d ever known.
your heels were already killing you as you walked off the subway since they had to host this on the upper east side of town. you tug at your neatly arranged dress and step forward to mingle like you were supposed to. forced to talk to the people that funded gordon’s PhD and his years of research that every other person had found ridiculous.
the sound of your name being called made you turn towards it.
“when’d you get here sweetheart?” gordon smiled as he gestured you towards the rest of them.
he was always such a strong and respected figure that you saw him like a parent. since your first year, you’d taken classes with him and his years of extensive police work had drawn you in. gordon might’ve pushed you really hard like he wanted you to do well because he really did. in the back of his mind he knew you were brilliant and wanted to nourish it before you finally graduated.
that’s why you had a full year of research assistance under your belt thanks to him.
the men around him parted for you and you exchanged a gentle hello. “i just got here actually.”
he nods, “good. great timing. i’d like you to meet some people!” gesturing towards the people in crisp suits with swirling glasses. “this is clifford devoe.”
the name rang bells immediately from how poorly gordan talked about him in private to you. gordans eyes looked to you then to the man again, silently saying a thousand words. you fill in the blanks for him and offer your hand to clifford when he raises his to take yours.
“you must be the generous one the university appointed. it’s so nice to finally meet you.”
with your hand gently taken into his hand, the feeling of unease that radiated off of him was unmistakable. you hide the grimace that he caused when he repeats your name to you.
“hm, yes.” still holding your hand a moment too long. dragging his eyes over you before letting you pull away. “i’ve seen what you’d contributed to the study on adolescent rehabilitation and prison reform. truly sickening that we still debate the human nature of criminals.”
you’re sure you’re failing terribly at hiding your distaste now. “don’t you think it’s a little silly to attribute it all to human nature?”
from beside you gordan seems to purse his lips. though clifford scoffs and smiles small, “of course a young woman such as yourself would think so as if that’s some revolutionary thought.” laughing through his words.
the condescension was clear from his rude mouth. you could taste the bitterness he spewed.
you hum, “why of course a man such as yourself would believe no one is redeemable but himself.”
from beside him, the black haired man in the suit catches your eye briefly before chuckling into his glass. narrowing your eyes at the shape of his eyebrows because they were just so familiar, the thick arches that mimicked wings. it reminded you of jason and his thick set brows that were studiously perfect without having touched them.
gordon clears his throat and nudges you softly before saying your name to change the subject.
“have you seen the completed poster with all the statistics? it looks really great, let me show you.”
before you can say anything else, he’s already been walking away, turning his head to look at you just to ensure you’re following him. with a polite and contrasting goodbye, you take your leave. feeling proud of yourself as
when you get to the poster, gordon’s standing there squinting like he’s got something bad to say. but he just shakes his head and points to the men you’d left at the bar, still conversing like no tension had ever raised.
“he pays for the damn project sweetheart, we can’t insult him no matter how much of an ass he may be.”
you shrug and sigh before mumbling. “at least not to his face right?”
despite the situation, gordan laughs. “yeah, at least not to his face.” patting your back and turning the both of you towards the poster. “now, did i tell you that they approved you as a peer-reviewed scholar once you’ve graduated?”
looking towards the statistics scattered across the large poster, you saw all the datasets you’d condensed. all the graphs and charts that you’d made and the spreadsheets that made you feel like you were losing brain cells. you didn’t think you’d get being a contributor to research paper on your record too. just being an assistant was enough. with a tilt of your head at the meticulous pie chart you made so long ago you forgot about, you hum.
“but i’m not gonna be here so how could i contribute anything anyway?”
he shakes your shoulder gently, the way the father would when he’s proud but doesn’t wanna say it with words aloud. “it won’t publish until october.”
that stopped your mind from thinking about anything else but what just came out of his mouth.
eyes widening as you turn to him. “wait, really?”
this would set you apart from other applicants in your graduate program and give you a better chance at getting into it.
he smiles with crinkles around his eyes and nods because you’d only been talking about this since you started. also because someone had already mentioned your interest to him.
“do i get any credit for that part of it?” a voice from behind you sound a d you turn to face it.
but you didn’t expect for it to be bruce wayne.
you blink at your friends dad that you’d only seen a handful of times before. now you recall how he was sat at the bar earlier, just his eyes visible and the realization of how they looked having distracted you enough. still you smile and lean forward to take his hand when he offers it.
“mr. wayne, it’s so nice to see you. i didn’t think you’d be here.”
his hand was firm and certain. righteous in a way that he radiated the energy even when you would just briefly see him.
“gordon invited me along with a couple business partners. it’s good to see you again. what’s it been? 2 years?” bruce gives a small smile while he places his drink on the table next to you. looking to gordon, bruce switches his gaze between him and the poster, “i’ve been thinking, you could go back as commissioner and implement these ideas yourself gordon.”
a snort escapes gordon as he shakes his head, “no way, and leave my cushiony tenure position?” laughing as he gestures to the poster. “you see the bridge in socioeconomic status and educational attainment? those positions don’t require degrees. they just need intelligence and compassion that comes naturally. you got a knack for those bruce.”
the two of them share a knowing glance before someone approaches gordon to ask about something with his focus group, taking away his attention. he excuses himself before he leaves you there with bruce. for a moment, it’s quiet while bruce watches the party, taking slow sips of his bourbon.
you watch with him, noticing how the people in this party were mostly the types who didn’t need to worry about these things. about the ones that are unfairly prosecuted or treated as villainous for trying to survive. no one in this room held that title the way you’d seen women and men alike being pressed. surveillance was created by them for them, to protect them.
that’s what made you want to get involved in gordon’s study. a chance to use theory and practice in a way that actually mattered.
“you think very loudly.” bruce suddenly says.
your head turns to his, still looking out at the people conversing and moving about. she’s trained over nothing and everything at once.
“my bad,” you laugh nervously.
he only shoots you another smile, “don’t be. your mind is brilliant and meant to think. don’t burn yourself out doing it too much. it’s a habit i’ve yet to get my sons to figure out too.”
sons. right.
nodding your head, you change the subject. “you know gordon pretty well?”
he nods too. “knew him back when he was still an officer. the man is a saint personified.”
distracted from the topic at hand, you try to stay focused, nodding along and silently staring at where bruce’s eyes were trained. though bruce is incredibly attentive, and he immediately notices how you’d been looking. fixing his watch that didn’t need any adjusting as he speaks.
“dick tells me jason misses you.”
nearly choking on your spit, you look to bruce again, forgetting to not look so surprised. “what?”
behind his professionalism, something turns warmer. “he’s taking academics more seriously. i’ve always told him he’s got the smarts when he puts his mind to it but i’m sure you’ve seen how shrugs it off.”
not knowing what to say, you nod him along.
“…he even applied for a couple graduate programs thanks to you and got into them all across the country.” lifting his glass and sipping.
“i didn’t know he applied.” you admit.
“it’s force of habit i guess,” he shrugs. “he didn’t even tell me when he got into gotham university. just started attending classes and brushed it off like it was no big deal which i assure you, it is.”
frowning at his fathers admission, “that’s kinda sad. he’s probably the smartest person i know.”
suddenly bruce smiles at you, his grin something more of fond remembrance. he adjusts his suit and sniffs just audible enough for you to notice. then his smile falls as he meets the eye of someone across from the room and they wave to one another.
“if you see my son, please let him know for me that his bike has been replaced. and that i need him to answer the phone when i call him.” touching your wrist softly and bidding you goodbye.
with nothing to say or actualize the fact with, you’d turned your attention back to the poster. the words swirling themselves until you’d forgotten what the last year collecting was about.
suddenly you’re glad there’s noone around to ask you about it, cause you’re not sure you’d know.
“dude just back that shit up on me.” grayson coos.
from in front of him, wally groans. “no dude, it’s not gonna fit in there anyways. just ask someone else to.”
“i’ll make it fit just shut up and do it.”
on the couch a phone rings. both of the boys ignore it and instead continuing muttering at the other. taking turns groaning as wally pushes the desk, hal shakes his head from the other side of the room.
“you guys know you could do this literally anywhere else.”
“and you could help, you know?” grayson sighs as he drops the horribly built ikea desk wally built. looking hal up and down, dick furrows his brow. “why are you even dressed like that?”
brushing off his shirt with absolutely no lint on it, hal smooths out the folds in his button up. grinning from ear to ear like a kid who’d won a prize. “I have a date.”
the boys all turn to look at him.
“oh,” wally lets the desk back on the ground, ignoring how grayson groans when it hits his foot. “a hot date huh? she got a friend?”
like perfectly horrible timing, jason’s walking into the living room. to grab his phone he’d forgotten that had unknowingly been ringing and buzzing. his eyes fall on hal on the chair immediately, trailing up his form with sharp eyes. dick clears his throat at the sight.
“your phones been ringing.” he simply says.
“yeah, i heard.” jason murmurs as he clears past hal wordlessly and heads straight to the kitchen as though he wanted nothing to do with him.
as though his very being annoyed him enough that he couldn’t spare him a glance right now. the sudden presence and departure of jason had thrown the energy of the room off for a moment, not because of him but how far hals discomfort radiated. wally takes a long look between grayson and hal before nodding towards where jason had disappeared behind the wall of.
“what’s his problem?” he sits next to hal on the couch, legs going up lazily on the coffee table.
hal opened his mouth to fill in the blanks, but grayson chimes in first, his eyes trained pointedly on hal as he answers wally. “his girl left him for some douchebag in a frat.”
awkwardly the air fills as wally nods. “right…”
“i’m gonna uh—” hal stands and leaves his cup on the table. “head out now. i’m picking her up and all.”
perched on the ikea desk, grayson nods with an expression that looks disapproving. “i expect you back around midnight cinderella. no hooking up on your first date.”
wally snorts, “hasn’t stopped him before.”
“shut up west.” effectively cutting through the tension again and reminding him who he was speaking about. “i’m serious, i’m putting the latch on after.”
the other two stay silent. hal nodding knowingly before grabbing his key and leaving them with a quiet goodbye. wally furrows his brows only minutes later as he contemplates. while the room drifts back into a silence and grayson leaves to check the kitchen only to find it empty, wally itches his chin.
“gray?” mumbling vaguely.
he hums in acknowledgment as he types away on his phone.
“is the girl he’s going out with jason’s girl?”
that gets him to look up from his phone and bring his hand out. hovering over wally’s forehead before flicking him with a sharp seething sound from his lips. grayson huffs.
“no shit sherlock. now stop straining yourself and get off your ass, get move this desk out of my living room.”
this entire situation was so fucked.
the night had hardly started and hal already fucked up in ways you knew jason would never. when he messaged you about confirming the date, he wouldn’t say where it would be. so instead, you opted to ask what to wear.
big. fucking. mistake.
never ask a man what to where to any occasion because they will give you false, misleading information and clearly hal jordan was no exception.
he told you to dress casual, something everyday, he said. thankfully you chose to wear a simple black dress otherwise you’d be entirely underdressed for this fancy restaurant he took you to. now he’s sitting across from you, flipping through the menu gracefully like he’s a food connoisseur. occasionally humming as he reads out the name of the dish to you.
“would you like the house caviar? it’s genuinely the best thing you’ll find in the tri-state area.” eyes twinkling beautifully under the romantic ambience lighting.
if it were any other period of your life, you might really, truly like him. the way he took charge and pushed to ask you out was hot. he found a way to wiggle into your life and he took what he wanted. hal was good looking, smart, and he had a good head on his shoulders. but somehow you found yourself looking into his eyes like they were interesting. found yourself staring at the orange illuminating his skin like it were the most familiar thing, and watching the flames flicker in his eyes.
staring at the flames that reminded you of him.
the warmth grew on your skin as his face morphed everytime you blinked and the love ached. your heart ached at the thought of him.
he touches your hand, “you okay?”
“huh?” you shut your eyes and look back at him quickly, shaking the distraction off. “sorry i missed what you asked.”
his thumb strokes the back of your hand soothingly. the action grounds you from the thoughts the swirled. “if you’d like caviar to try. the mussels are insane here too.”
shooting him a reassuring smile, you shake your head. “oh um, sure. whatever you’d like.”
“but would you like it?” he counters.
“probably not.” you answer honestly. “sorry.”
he smiles, “don’t apologize. it’s good to know though, next time i’ll take you somewhere not fish related.”
vaguely you nod and try to smile though you’re sure it comes out insincere. hal only frowns and squeezes your hand like he’d known you’d needed some reassurance to guide your thoughts.
“hey we can still go home.” suddenly he says. “i mean i don’t want to, shit i don’t care if jason mopes around and cries himself to sleep. i know what i want and that’s you.”
you blink slowly, letting his declaration find footing in your mind. technically he was right. you had these second thoughts because you weren’t even sure of this date would go ahead or if hal really did like you. it’s almost like he reads your mind when he tilts his head to look harder at you.
“—he doesn’t decide if we like eachother. i’d be damned if i let him get in the way of me and pretty girl just cause he fumbled her.”
the waiter comes by before you can speak through your parted lips and offers more wine. hal smiles and nods at the waiter, his warm hand still holding yours. it only occurred then that you were the one making this awkward, not him. the waiter pours your drinks and hal lifts his with his free hand, gesturing you to do the same. clinking the glasses, he swirls the cup and sips, his eyes trained on yours as you mirror him.
setting his drink back down and letting you take your hand back, hal orders for the both of you. part of you wasn’t sure how to feel, him taking that initiative to place an order of what you’d like to eat but also partially annoyed that he’d assumed what you’d like. or maybe he just did what he pleased. regardless, you were kind of glad he’d said something to the waiter cause the names of the dishes on this menu was absolutely insane. continually you look around the space, taking in the gorgeous lighting and the artwork that definitely costs thousands to maintain here. he watches your face while you stare at the tapestry behind him.
“do you like art then?”
you nod your head, still looking at the painting behind him. “i can appreciate it for sure.”
his eyes don’t falter, still staring at you while you’re looking around. “so can i.”
when you look to him, he’s got his head in one of his hands, smiling fainting with those dimples just deep enough to notice. he blinks at you, still giddy. “don’t mind me. i’m taking it in.”
you raise a brow at him. “taking in me or this place?”
“would it be wrong if i said both?”
heat rushes to his ears as soon as the words leave his mouth. it only makes you feel like imploding from how sweet he was being. fighting the urge to smile until he breaks into a soft laughter and you return the same. shaking your head and looking up the the chandelier hanging just next to you again. hal follows your gaze.
“you’ve looked at that chandelier at least eight times now.” this time looking with you like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.
“sorry,” you laugh. “i haven’t been anywhere this nice before.”
he tops off your drinks and leans his elbows on the table in improper etiquette. “don’t worry about apologizing. i’m not much fancy restaurant guy myself.”
pointedly, you eye him. his effortlessly handsome outfit and his crisp button up shirt. you narrow your eyes at him. “could’ve fooled me jordan.”
“hey,” he raises his hands in surrender. “i don’t even know what these forks are for. i usually like eating with the little one at home.”
a genuine smile returns on your face as you lean closer just as he’s been. “i’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be a sign of neurodivergence.”
“a fork?” he challenges. “you know what, you’re smart and pretty, i believe anything you say.”
lightly you smack his arm and shake your head, calling him stupid with no malice as you sipped your drink. after a couple more minutes, the waiter comes out with your food. as soon as you take a bite, you look up at him wide eyed and make a sound of approval.
hal smiles like he’s won the lottery. “yeah? it’s good?”
with your eyes still closed now, you shake your head and chew. “very good.”
pushing your plate to him, he laughs and takes a forkful to try. only seconds later moaning egregiously enough that the older people in the tables next to you have dirty looks.
“this, is better than sex.” he admits more loudly than he needs to.
“really selling yourself short there,” you laughed.
blinking he laughs. “i mean, sex is objectively good right. but if the girls not feeling it then it’s never good. as a man, i’m objectively not as good as this pasta.”
this only makes you laugh harder. “that still didn’t make any sense.”
your mind eases off of jason for a while as he presses you for information about school and your future. he listens so intently that it makes you feel respected and valued. though this doesn’t last long because you’re left thinking about jason again before you’re trying to shake it off to no avail. the comparisons were hard to ignore.
hal had ordered the caviar he was anxiously wanted you to try and reluctantly you’d made some excuse not to. hal shrugs and eats the rest while you’re not sure whether to be endeared or slightly horrified. but even this wasn’t an issue.
the problem was exactly that. hal jordan had no red flags for you to focus on. nothing for you to say so you could argue that you weren’t ready or that he was rude enough to warrant never seeing him again. he was quite the opposite of being crude. the date was far from terrible. he’d picked you up from your place and even came up to your floor to walk you down. flowers waited for you on the passenger seat once he got you there.
even after the dinner was over and hal had paid for the bill, he wrapped his coat around you and respectfully walked you of the building with a hovering hand. still unsure if he could touch you but not ready enough to ask to. he held the door open as he let you back into his car. drove you back to your apartment and walked you up the stairs all over again. shamefully, all you could backtrack to was jason. all you could imagine was the parallels to jason at your front door, waiting for you to open it. now you were opening your heart to a boy you didn’t pay much mind to a month ago, no matter how physically attractive he was.
but hal had no problems to blame your inability to fall into to. no real issues to back up this feeling that he wasn’t yours because he isn’t jason.
you unlock your front door and push it open, standing in he doorway with the lillies he’d bought you. he stands behind you with his hands in his pocket and a sweet smile that should’ve made you melt, instead you felt like stone.
“thank you for tonight hal. i had a lot of fun.”
shrugging and nodding with that perfect, unfamiliar look on his face, he speaks. “i did too. i really hope i can take you out again soon, maybe something less fancy? this time i can cook for you?”
the thought only made you swirl further.
distant memories that felt closer than before reappeared. jason cooking in your kitchen with a soft hum coming from his throat as he chopped and stirred. him feeding you something saucy and cheesy before he kissed your lips to wipe the residue off. his hands travelling down your thighs while he pressed against you with his lame apron still on. his voice by your ear saying all the sweet things you’d ever wanted to hear. now you wanted to vomit.
you nod, looking into each of hal’s eyes and letting him lean in closer as he stares at your lips. the intention was clear and you felt frozen in place. he leans further in and presses his soft lips to yours, deepening it as his hand came up to hold your head. though you don’t love from your place. you didn’t reach out to touch his head back or let go of the flowers. instead your grip loosened a little and you let your head go a little limp as he held you closer, though his lips somehow felt colder than the last ones you’d touched. then he pulls away, gasping slightly and smiling with his eyes closed.
“you’re so perfect.” he whispers before he kisses your cheek and pulls away. “good night gorgeous.”
watching as his footsteps depart and you stand there with the flowers hanging low, petals facing the floor. after a minute you quietly slip into your house, a new sense of discomfort bubbling. you shut the door behind you and lean against it, flows slipping from your fingers and hitting the floor with a soft thud. a shudder runs though you.
you’re not sure how many minutes are spent like this, thoughts swirling you around and taking root in your mind. the thoughts of jason and unease guilt that you didn’t believe you should even harbour. somehow you felt angry, not with hal, and not even with jason, but with yourself.
slow, hot years rush down your cheeks as you bury your head in your hands.
what the fuck were you doing?
the door shuts behind him with a thud, a soft groan on his lips as he slips his shoes off.
everyone should be asleep in the frat house now. it’s nearly 1am and he’s lucky grayson didn’t lock hal out. but there’s a light on in the kitchen, and something told him he wasn’t going to be let off so easily.
quietly hal creeps toward the kitchen, pulling off his belt as he approaches and leaves it on the table in the hall like he’d had a long day at work.
“how’s your date?” a voice grumbles.
hal nearly jumps, “jeez, fuck—jason? what’re you doing up?”
from the dining table jason grumbles again. dimly lit but just visible enough, hal spots a beer and a ashtray in front of him. “couldn’t sleep.”
stalking a little closer, hal turns on another light. “waiting up for me to get home i assume?”
“doesn’t matter,” he quickly answers. “whatever forget i asked.” getting up and throwing his beer out.
hal only stands there, watching him move and murmuring a quiet, “alright then…”
then jason turns around. he freezes in the doorway before he turns to hal, something on his face that meant he was serious. “just don’t… hurt her, alright?”
“you mean like you did?” crossing his arms across his chest as he blankly stares at jason.
“yeah,” jason agrees, his eyes shining with a soft sheen that told hal he was clearly emotional while he was out. then he resorts to threatening. “don’t do what i did cause i swear to god i’ll make you regret it jordan.”
though hal sees how he seemed defensive without any real malice. jason seems genuinely sad as though he’s realized what he done just as he was weeks ago, moping around the house. this time he only seemed defeated, and it didn’t seem worth it to keep dragging jason’s past along.
easing back toward the table, hal shrugs him off. “look man,” he sighs, “you don’t have anything to worry about.”
jason perks up a little as he look back up again. “what do you mean?”
“i mean,” shuffling his feet as he mentally prepares himself to reassure jason. “she seemed distracted the whole night. like she’s in her own head thinking about something else. it wasn’t until we got to her apartment that she—”
before he knew it jason was in his face, dangerously close. “you went to her home?” anger in his tone.
“i didn’t go into her home, i just dropped her off to her front door. no big deal. it’s not like we fucked or anything.”
his mouth opens and closes again like he’s going to ask him something but he doesn’t. instead he takes a backwards step and nods slowly. “right. good. you should be seeing her get home. it’s uh, safer that way.”
squinting his eyes like jason was entirely transparent despite how he tried to make himself seem, hal shakes his head. the tension falls from its rising crescendo and hal leans onto the table as jason anxiously taps his foot. the two of them unsure how to proceed from here. then grayson walks into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing at his eyes.
“you idiots whisper yell very loudly.” turning his head to hal to hone in on him. “didn’t i say be back earlier?”
“well you don’t lock the door.” shooting a cheeky smile that grayson doesn’t find amusing.
jason uses the opportunity to excuse himself and takes a bottle of water from the fridge. tugging on the drawstrings of his hoodie as he walks out. “night.”
the two boys return the sentiment and grayson turns back to hal, before jason is too far to miss their words. “how’d it go? you kiss her?”
from the staircase, jason stayed put there and held his breath. waiting for hal’s response to what he knew he had no right to be angry over. the milliseconds it takes him to respond felt like an eternity to jason.
hal chuckles quietly, “it went good. really good. i’m gonna take her out again next week.”
grayson nods expectantly. “you didn’t answer the second part.”
“yeah,” hal starts with a fond smile on his face, “i kissed her.”
letting out a slow, controlled breath from his nose, jason stares into the abyss ahead of him. at the dark unlit hallway that lead to his room and stalks towards it without thinking about it.
he doesn’t stay long enough to hear what his brother says and goes straight to his room.
the ethics lecture was the most boring one they’d gone over and you wished you slept in.
students had fallen asleep on their desk across the lecture hall, theatre seating giving you great view to see what everyone was up to. you were still distracted from the events of the last week and how you’d done a date with hal only two days prior.
the thing is, you hadn’t told anyone about it yet. you hadn’t seen cassandra or grayson. hell you hasn’t even heard roy’s loud mouth in a week let alone seen jason.
now you were finishing up your notes and cross referencing it to the readings to understand what concepts overlapped. highlighting the theories that worked in contemporary cases and found something to discredit it for your final paper coming up. the professor spoke quickly as he went through the importance of ethics as a researcher. how you’d need to inform the participant of their role in your work and how they play an important part in pinpointing change.
how it was your job to be honest and responsible. to ensure you’ve spoke nothing but the truth to the people you’d involved. all you wanted now was to talk to jason. not that you’re sure what you’d say, just that his voice could ease your mind from everything else.
once the lecture is over, you’re the first one to leave. a sweet treat and coffee was in order for the fruits of your labour today—getting out of bed and going to a lecture.
the cafe air is always warm and inviting. the scent of arabian beans and baked goods drawing you closer to the counter. it’s a blessing that it’s located right at the edge of campus too, so when the library was too packed, you’d head here.
you take your drink and a house made brownie to head to the booth seat by the window. watching the clear blue sky and listening to the chatter in the cafe. you pull out your laptop and notebook, cracking your knuckles in anticipation for what awaits you and how much studying you needed to catch up on. no matter how hard you prepared, there was always more to do in university. plus, being a research assistant meant you’d have to push your work work aside to aid in a project.
though right as you open a new tab and click your pen, you see him.
jason walked into the store with his headphones on and his bag slung over his shoulder. he heads straight for the booth in front of you and ouuuu track his movements without making it obvious. though when he passes by your table, he slows down. his eyes fall over you as fast as he looked away, and you feel a sense of disappointment wash over you. then, he just slides into his seat and all you can see is his hair poking out the top of the booth from tall he is in comparison.
why were you disappointed that he didn’t really say hi, you’re the one who kinda ghosted him.
to yourself you blink. at the laptop you blink harder. no, you’re not being crazy right? why didn’t he reach out anyway? is this all justified to him like he doesn’t really even care? you guys have been studying together for a while now, and he always joins you so boyfriend or not, why didn’t he? aren’t you guys friends?
you’re standing up before you know it, grabbing your things and roughly shoving it in your bag. the reasoning had convinced you enough that he was the one being weird because he totally was. didn’t jason even say you did nothing wrong the other night?
“hey,” you say standing next to his booth.
he lifts his headphone from one ear, “uh hi.”
“why didn’t you sit with me?”
blinking as he pauses his music, jason slides his headphones off and gestures you to sit. quietly you do.
“i assumed you were busy.” he says as you sit.
“i wasn’t.” more timidly than you intended to.
he shrugs slightly, “it looked like you were.”
for a moment you still. maybe you were right. maybe he doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. but why won’t he just say it out loud?
jason fiddles with his headphones for a second before he decides the grain of the wooden table was more interesting. you however, weren’t amused. in fact, you were quite confused as to why he’d been avoiding you entirely.
“was it something that i said?“ plainly, you ask.
jason sighs and looks you in the eyes fully for the first time since you sat down. “we haven’t talked in days, what could you have said?”
“exactly,” nodding his sentiment along, “you’ve been avoiding me and i can’t figure out why…”
“i’ve just been busy.” he lies.
“liar.” you call him out. “we have the same classes.”
with his hands, he gestures slyly. “look,” not realizing how his tone gave him away. “you didn’t say anything wrong.”
“so i did something then.” you correct.
jason grumbles and says your name. “no, now you’re putting words in my mouth. we, you and i, we’re good. you don’t owe me anything ma. i just want you to be happy.”
the nickname makes your stomach flutter regardless. jason looks to his phone to a message from roy and sighs before standing up again.
but you’re thinking over the meaning behind his words. i just want you to be happy. you don’t owe me anything. where the hell was that coming from?
“i gotta go.” shoving his headphones into his bag and getting out of the booth.
“oh, already?” you try and fail to hide your disappointment.
he only nods, “i’ll see you around princess.”
then he walks off.
the meaning behind his words only swirled you more confused. the thoughts filling your mind and sending mixed signals throughout. his sudden cold demeanour had you thinking and overthinking, letting them sink through the fabric of your clothes and onto your skin like a brand you felt shameful wearing as it clicked.
fuck, jason knew.
—
“you’ve gotta be kidding me.”
grayson has always been terrible at hiding his actual feelings with you. he could hardly even mask it as he stretches his legs out for his run and shakes his head.
“you’re still in love with him. of course you are! you guys are both playing racket ball with my last couple of brain cells.” pulling his leg behind him into a deep stretch.
burying your face in the pillow on his bed, you try not to scream.
lucky jason wasn’t home according to grayson. he had gone up to the cottage to grab his bike apparently and decided to spend the weekend there so he wouldn’t be back until monday.
folding to lay his palms flat in the ground, he effortlessly continues. “i never liked the hal thing for the record. i’d prefer keeping you in the family.”
“gray, you’re not helpful at all.” you murmur from his pillow.
sighing, he stands upright. “alright. fine. you tell me then.” striding closer and ruffling you hair obnoxiously. “do you really love him?”
from the pillows you lift your head and look up at his watchful eyes, a arch in his brow that demanded honesty. slowly you nod.
“i think he made me understand what it means and i’ll always want him.” you admit.
grayson shakes his head at your response as you sit upright. “that’s not what i asked though. do you love him? because if you’re using hal to move on, that’s a disservice to both of you. hal and yourself.”
“not jason?” you raise a brow.
“nope.” he quickly answers. “that boy made his bed the first time he messed with you. everything else is fair game in my mind.”
that pulls a genuine laugh out of you. his honesty only making his statement funnier to you.
“aye, i’m serious. jason hurt you once, so i’m not sweating you trying to move on, even if it’s a little fast for you.” patting your shoulder softly as he moves back towards the door.
though a sinking guilt still held you, he made you feel a little better. “thanks gray.”
“anytime,” he smiles. “now you have no excuse to miss the party i’m throwing you.”
everything in your face drops, both in disbelief and shock. “for me? what?”
this only makes him smile wider. “ha, perfect keep that surprised face when everyone shows up. it’s not everyday someone gets into grad school like haven’t been gushing over it since their first year.”
before you can grumble his name or protest another party after last weekends where jason vaguely told you, “you did nothing ma.” grayson is already out the door. stomping down the stairs as his open door lets the sound of his voice travel.
“wear something nice please!”
the walk over to the frat house was obnoxious as the campus was packed. people gathered across the field with drinks and blankets, music and loud students celebrating their final days on campus.
there was no choice for you but to attend since grayson practically forced you to go.
opening the door to the house was where you saw just how much bigger this party was than he told you. loud music and synthetic smoke mixed to create a barrier that could make you feel intoxicated just by being there.
by the stairs, there was a group of people lounging and smoking. a huge bong between them and a couple joints being passed between the group. then there was people just standing near the door, lingering and talking. mostly flirting. in the living room was a game of spin the bottle and another group dancing to dancehall.
you hear your name being called just seconds before someone hands you a drink and you gracefully accept. grayson approaches you and eyes the cup.
“what’re you doing accepting random drinks when i made you a special punch eh?” wrapping his arm around your shoulder and walking you both towards the kitchen.
you laugh as he spins you by your finger and whistles at your outfit. “you actually listened and wore a skirt.”
gushing beside him is donna, roy’s arm lazily around her waist. “oh my god. you look so hot!”
taking in her attire you admire her. her black dress with sparkles that looked stars in a night sky. she was so effortlessly gorgeous.
“thanks.” you smile. “so are you. that dress is made for you.”
donna laughs and picks up a solo cup, handing it to grayson to pour as roy nods his head at you. then he whispers in her ear and grayson steals your attention once again bu handing you a full cup of punch that you just knew was 90% alcohol and 10% punch.
“this, my beautiful friend, is made solely for you.”
clinking his plastic cup with yours before taking a swig. reluctantly you do the same, taking a long sip of the drink made to inebriate you clearly. the taste made you wince and shake your head, hanging your tongue out of your mouth as you grimace.
“what did you put in this grayson?” you wince.
he laughs and rubs your back as you cough. “oh you know, seltzer, lime, vodka, don’t worry about it. it’s mean to get you drunk and let loose before you’re in that stuck up institution without me.”
“you’re in an institution right now.” you blink.
for a moment he thinks, then he shrugs. “whatever, did you eat yet?”
“uh. not dinner if that’s what you mean.”
he tsks at you and opens the cabinet, tossing a protein bar at you. you catch it and eye the bar before his face like you’d asked, why without saying the words. he gets it of course.
“cause i don’t want you puking at a party meant for you. so eat it please.” he kisses the back of your head dramatically and you could already tell just how drunk he was.
humourlessly, you let out a small laugh and shake your head. but you don’t miss when grayson catches roy’s eye. he tilts his head and mouths something that you would’ve missed if his distraction had worked. roy looks to grayson and shrugs, and his words you can make out.
i don’t know.
“girl,” donna snaps you out of your trance. “you look too good to stand around. dragging you out of the kitchen by your wrists.
you’re still sipping your drink as she pulls you over, needing the liquid courage to get you right to cope with this. she’s pulling you into the empty space and starting to dance a little while you rest your drink on the table. swaying her hips next to yours and humming thoughtfully to the song.
“come on!” she laughs and you can’t help but laugh too.
the liquid swirling you with more confidence as you start to raise your hands and let the beat thump through your body. slowly, you bring your arms up and up your body, swaying and letting your hair fall behind you. donna’s got her hands on your hips experimentally, moving you around and whooping. you play along and grind on her like she’s your man here. then you see stephanie and cassandra just lounging by the couches and you gesture them over.
they rise and dance with eachother, inching closer until all you could smell radiating off of everyone nearby was the intoxicating marijuana and alcohol that ruined you like no other.
but the name didn’t stick, and the blunt from between cassandra’s fingers made its way to your lips as she placed it there. smiling at you and loudly saying, “i’m glad you left your house smarty pants.”
you roll your eyes and blow out the smoke, the sensations intensifying as you grew more intoxicated. leaning closer to her face, you whisper yell, “why don’t you go dance with your girlfriend yeah?”
cassandra laughs and offers you another hit that you so gracefully accept, twirling as you take a long drag and pass it back over. she moves her way back towards stephanie and does the same in putting the blunt between her lips. you catch stephanie hollowing her cheeks and urging her closer, blowing the smoke right in her mouth.
you couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that rose inside you. what they had, you wanted so badly. you practically had it with jason, but now your here swirling in your thoughts because a smell and an action now attributed itself to him in your mind. slowly you sway over and slow your dancing, the thoughts filling you up in a way you hated.
a hand grazes your side and spins you to face them. a smile on his face that practically echoed his intentions.
“hey gorgeous.” hal greets you. “you look real good.”
you blink up at him, a little tipsy and definitely a little high. the cross fade making you open enough to lower your inhibitions. you smile back.
“hi hal, so do you.” letting his hands go around your waist so he could move with you slowly.
the people around you are grinding on eachother, but you knew well enough that that’s not why you wanted. instead, you move his hands that travelled lower and place them on your waist. he doesn’t even question it and lets you use him for support as you grabbed your cup and took another sip.
from the corner of your eye you see a girl touching up on a guy, his back turned so all you could see was the ripple of hard muscle under his shirt. but the way he moved was too familiar.
your breath hitched as you watched the scene unfold.
the redheaded girl dragged her hand down his chest as he turns to the side, one of his hands hovering over hers and the other flat at his side. she’s mouthing something close to his ear and he tilts his head to hear it. the air from the room felt like it was being sucked out as you saw his face. the girl giggles as jason whispers back, and you feel your heart pounding in your chest.
quickly you turn away and take a giant gulp. unknowingly you had been gripping at hal’s chest and he had just let you. his eyes followed where yours had led and he frowns slightly as you pull away to down your drink.
“you okay?” he suddenly asks.
you clear your throat. “yeah, i’m fine,” fake smiling to sell your words.
“don’t do that,” he rasps in your ear. “it’s okay to still love him.”
that takes you back and you look up to him, his hands still locked around your waist.
“what?” you quietly say.
he smiles like it’s the easiest thing. “you heard me. it’s not a crime to be in love. hell, he’s a lucky guy to have a girl like you.”
the implication made your face burn. he knew you’d been in love with jason all this time, but he didn’t want to make you feel bad about it.
your lips part as you rasp his name as though in apology. though hal just shakes his head.
“it’s okay, i’m fine. i knew you liked him all this time, i kinda thought i could get you to understand there was more out there. part of me just always knew.” smiling sweetly.
taking a moment to look into his eyes, you gauge his sincerity. hal only mirrors everything he said because he meant it deeply, and that somehow made it worse. you feel your heart twist.
“i’m sorry,” voice breathy as you purse your lips.
he just smiles and shakes his head, looking up to where jason was before he spins you around. “let’s dance over there yeah?”
feeling his energy shift, you frown at him and turn around anyways. and you could feel your heart breaking into couple dozen pieces. the girl had her hands in his hair as though they’d just kissed, and you’re standing here feeling like an idiot as she runs her fingers through jason’s hair.
suddenly this party didn’t feel so fun anymore. a small sigh escapes you as you abruptly turn back around to hal, hand touching his chest like you needed it to keep you sane. he clasps his hand over yours and tilts your head up at him.
“it’s okay,” he whispers close by your ear. “you can show him what he’s missing.”
before you could ask what he’d met, he lowers his face to yours and presses his lips against you. a gentle peck meant to prove something that you weren’t even sure you wanted to show. a muffled sound of surprise gets swallowed by his as he deepens the kiss, opening one of his eyes just to see if jason was looking. you feel him smile against your lips as your wide eyes watch his, looking past you to ensure that jason knew exactly what he meant by what he’d been missing.
jason never wanted to come to this party. he’d told grayson as much when called him and told him to stay longer at the cottage because he didn’t want him to bother you.
he was happy for you of course. the fact that you’d gotten into the school of your choice and got what you’d deserve was everything he could have ever hoped for. you were the one person he was sure deserved every part of this.
though jason couldn’t stay in those four walls any longer and not think about how close he was to having you again.
the memories rang like church bells on a sunday morning. there was no escaping it.
now he’s come back to the frat house to go rot in his room when he found that someone already made their way up here and stole his bong. entirely annoyed and grumpy over many different reasons, he made his way downstairs, still in his black tee and grey sweatpants like he didn’t belong there.
as soon as he’s met with the scent of alcohol, jason grimaces from the last time he’d been drinking and recalled the events. he moves his way towards the living room to get away from all the things mixed in the punch that’s was in the kitchen.
though only two steps into the living room, he sees you—dancing. a slight wick of sweat on your brow as you moved carefree, hands on your friends shoulders while her hands were in the air. the way you moved was intoxicating enough for him. the air tightened and the room quieted as he saw you there and jason felt himself moving closer without even realizing, just magnetized to you especially now.
he made it a point to see who else was nearby, watching stephanie take cassandra’s hand and dance closer. then he averted his gaze to the men by the wall and saw the one person he definitely didn’t want to see.
hal fucking jordan.
the blood in his veins boiled for reasons he didn’t want to voice. something tore through his skin like it wanted to break free and grab him by the collar. part of jason wanted to physically fight him, no reason than for how close he’d gotten to you. but you kissed him. or maybe hal kissed you. either way jason knew you well enough to know you wouldn’t kiss him if you didn’t like him or at least didn’t see it heading that way.
jason sighs lowly as he sees hal down the rest of his cup and make his way over to you.
maybe he should get to you first, he thought.
no, you’re happy. at least you looked happy.
he talks himself out of it just as hal touches your hip. still halfway through lunging at him, someone touches jason’s shoulder and he turns to see roy standing next to a redheaded girl.
“jason, my friend here said she thinks you’re good looking.” straight to the point, roy says.
the girl smiles sheepishly, “hi.” her voice hoarse like she’d drank too much already. inebriated enough to have no social awareness.
roy smiles and steps behind her, shooting a wink at jason before leaving them to it. jason cusses under his breath before she drags her hand down his chest.
“woah, you’re like really fit.” giggling as she traces her hands down his pecks.
laughing uncomfortably, he takes her hands gently off his chest. “uh, thanks. did you come here with your friends?”
she hums and leans closer to him, the heady scent of alcohol on her breath as she gets closer. “they don’t mind though. do you mind?”
he looks over her shoulder to see hal with his hands around your waist, speaking in your ear too intimately for his comfort. he tenses at the action but watches as you do the same, your hand at your side clenching and your nails digging into your palms. watching as you bite your lip, not in the way he loved when you wanted him to touch you, but as though you were uncomfortable.
jason turns his attention back to her as she loops her fingers through his belt loops and quickly grabs her hands.
“woah, woah.” still uncomfortably laughing as he presses her hands to her stomach trying hard to keep her away. then he lets her go. “easy.”
“what?” she giggles, running her hands up his back and through his hair. “you got a girlfriend or something?”
immediately he nods, “yeah actually i’m supposed to go meet her so.” he backs up and takes her hands off him once again.
jason looks left and right and spots roy watching from afar. a stupid grin on his face as he waves at jason. giving him an annoyed look, jason gestures him closer and he reluctantly comes. feet slow as he approaches like jason’s an animal that could pounce on him at any moment.
“hey you two,” he points. “you guys alright?”
jason’s scoffs, “yeah asshole. can you make sure she gets to her friends? i don’t think she should be alone this off drunk.”
the girl scoffs too, “i’m perfectly fine actually.”
he shoots her a look before looking back to roy. the girl waves him off annoyed and moves behind roy to text on her phone. though roy puts his hand over his shoulder and sighs.
“look man, i was just trying to help. i mean she’s moved on, i feel like you should too. get laid and get over her y’know?” gripping his shoulder tight with one hand.
“no,” jason shakes his head. “i’m perfectly fine how i am, thanks.”
“i don’t know dude. i feel like all this yearning isn’t healthy.” roy shrugs and sips his beer.
jason pulls his arm off of him and sideeyes roy like he’s personally offended him. “hal said they kissed, sure, but i don’t think she really likes him like that.”
“really?” roy says with a grimace on his face, pointing ahead as he stares. “are you sure about that?”
“what do you mean?”
heart pounding in his chest as he follows roy’s gaze to where you stood. reality felt like it had sped through fast and time was slipping from between his fingers. the music faded like a dramatic movie as he watched hal, kissing you.
his lips parted as he watched, mouth gape and his hands balled into fists.
his filthy hands touched your chin and pulled you closer while the other rested on your waist. he watched as he deepened the kiss and leaned closer into you, back arching slightly as your hand unclenched and opened in the air.
taking the beer from roy’s hand, jason abruptly turns. “you have my car keys no?” he suddenly asks.
roy stammers, pulling the keys from his pocket, “yeah but, are you okay? considering what you just saw—”
jason grabs the keys and walks away quickly. making his way through the crowd and out to the garage, shutting the door behind him shut.
it was clear to him now—you were happier without him around.
—
only the loud bass and the thumping in your chest could be heard from between you. parting from hal, your hand immediately went up to your mouth. cupping your lips and wiping them unintentionally as you blinked up at him.
“what was that for?” huffing as you stared at him.
“what? i thought you wanted him to know you’re okay without him too.” he furrows his brows.
horrified, you turn around to where jason stood and find him nowhere to be seen. you flicker your gaze over the crowd, over the people, over the dancing bodies and the smoke filled air—but nothing. jason wasn’t here anymore.
he was leaving again.
you push slightly as hal’s chest. “i know you mean well but, i didn’t want him to think—”
“shit,” hal interrupts, his hand at the back of his own neck rubbing soothingly. “i just assumed. fuck, i’m really sorry, i thought… i should’ve asked.”
you were sure you had tears in your eyes now. the thought of jason having to see you with someone else made you feel like your blood had frozen over.
you stammer as you back away from him. “i have to find him.”
in recognition, he nods. “yeah, of course. i can explain it to him if anything.”
but you’ve already run from the living room, storming through the crowd like a madwoman. pushing past the drunk people in the hallway and storming up the stairs to his room.
you put the door open and jason isn’t there. just as fast as you went up, you ran back down, heart thumping in your ears as you caught a glimpse of roy sitting on the couch with the same girl as earlier in his lap. you stride right over to them.
“roy,” you gasp. “where’s jason?”
immediately he sees the raw emotion on your face. the way the colour seemed to drain from it and how you seemed like you were about to throw up from the looks of it. his expression shifts from the flirty front he puts on into the friendly, caring one he only recently exposed to you.
he nods slowly. “he took his car keys from me and left. he didn’t say where though i’m sorry.”
the girl in his lap tilts her head at you, clearing sizing you up. “isn’t that the grump tall guy? girl don’t even bother, he said he’s got a girlfriend.”
the pang in your chest only tightens as you realized he didn’t even kiss this girl. he told her he had a girlfriend and you knew there was no one else. he was talking about you. and now he’s seen you seemingly making out with hal in his brothers frat and everything fell into place. like pieces of a puzzle that was horribly mixed up.
roy snaps you out of it when he speaks up.
“i parked in the garage if that helps.” his lips in a small frown like he were sorry.
you nod as you back away and head straight for the garage door. feeling tears welling in your eyes and a pit in your stomach as you inch closer.
what if he left already?
what if he’s come to the conclusion that this was all too hard to deal with and he was better off just finding someone new when he got one of those grad schools across the country?
part of you felt guilty now for ever even trying with hal when you don’t feel the spark you desperately craved from one person. but you kept telling yourself you should try. that jason was ignoring you because he had already decided for the both of you.
by the time you get to the door and push it open, you feel entirely sober by his car still there.
you sigh in relief as you get to the passenger seat and yank it open. sitting in the chair quickly and shutting the door behind you just to find jason sitting there gripping the steering wheel like it was the only thing grounding him right now.
your name on his tongue was sweeter than it should’ve been on these circumstances.
“what’re you doing here?” he sighs. “should you be in there?”
steadying yourself you purse your lips and bite your tongue. jason furrows his brows and tilts his head at you.
“hey,” making you turn to him still unable to entirely meet your gaze. “are you okay?”
you nod as your lip trembles. how do you tell him that you’re madly in love with him and even with a new, perfect guy, all you can imagine is jason.
his demeanor shifts at your inability to respond.
“did he,” jason starts. “did hal fucking hurt you?”
“no, jason.” picking at your nails and sighing. “he didn’t do anything wrong.”
then, slowly, he nods as if in realization. face slipping back to the same blank compliance as before. “right. he’s your boyfriend, sorry.”
“he’s not my boyfriend jason.” you snap. “god, you ignore me all week and then you make think you’re making out with some random girl.”
projecting like you weren’t the one kissing someone else. though that’s besides the point.
“hey, i wasn’t kissing anyone.” flickering his eyes over your face, taking in the way your skin paled. “i swear, i didn’t.”
“why not?” unable to hide the way your voice broke. “i mean i hurt you. i wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to write me off.”
that makes him scoff more harshly than he intended. “why would i do that when i have…” stopping himself. “when i don’t want them?”
his response only makes you feel worse though the way he was holding himself back from admitting the truth, it only makes you want it more.
“why not?” the words come out small.
jason furrows his brows. “why?”
“yeah,” you look at him, tears still glazing over your eyes. “why not?”
“because,” he stammers. “there’s no timeline on moving on. you can do whatever you want so i can also take my time no?”
“please, you’ve been avoiding me like a sickness and staring at hal like he kicked your dog.”
clenching his jaw, jason sighs heavily. “that’s not true.”
“isn’t it?” scoffing as you watch the side of his face. “you hate me and him and it’s my fault.”
groaning out your name like it hurt to say, “i don’t hate you. i could never hate you.”
“then why are you ignoring me?” you ask, interrupting him before he can do it to you. “and why aren’t you coming to class? or ever here when come to see grayson or hal—”
but that clearly pushed a button and jason snaps.
“because i can’t fucking stand him!” he raises his voice.
the sound taking you aback and a small scoff escapes past your lips as you watch him breathe heavier. nodding your head, you turn completely towards him in your seat and tuck a foot under your knee just to look directly at his face.
“you could stand him perfectly fine a couple weeks ago when he wasn’t going out with me.” crossing your arms as you stare at him.
his head shakes as he grips the steering wheel tightly. “it’s not that simple and you know it.”
“oh please, enlighten me then jason.” you press on, entirely over this situation and needing him just as badly as you wanted to hate him.
“you—” he starts and stops again.
you’re watching him as he shuts his eyes and lets out a deep exhale. suddenly he looks up to your side and trails his gaze over your face, lifting his fingers towards you like he’s twitching just to touch you.
in his eyes, you find the same adoration you’ve always loved, but now it’s accompanied by a bitter taste. he presses on.
“when i see you with him, i feel like i’m suffocating. like the air around me has been sucked away and i can’t do anything about it cause i did it to myself.”
parting your lips as you watch him confess what he’s hidden for weeks, you listen. brows upturning as he shakily breaths out your name.
“it’s selfish, i know. you’re your own person and i ruined us with all the lies. so you’re more than allowed to date other people. i just can’t… i—i can’t be around it. i won’t.” gulping as he looks at your hands in your lap now, wanting badly to hold them in his. “i know there’s too much baggage between us and i i hurt you but part of me thought we’d figure it out?”
his tone upturned at the end as though he’d contemplated within himself before voicing it.
“—is that why you’re leaving?” interrupting his thoughts and barely concealing the emotions that threatened to spill over. “because of me?”
something in his eyes seem to soften then, flickering and fanning out like all hope had dissipated.
his voice is quiet and unsure as he rasps. “what?”
“you don’t have to lie jason and you sure as shit don’t have to avoid me like the plague. i just wanted to feel wanted like a person and not a fucking prize.” slow tears slipping down your warm cheeks. “you never told me you were going to leave me though.”
taking a large gulp, he shakes his head. “i was never going to leave you.”
but you’re shaking your head. “i know you applied to grad schools across the country and i know you got it. i just can’t understand why you hid that part from me.”
furrowing his brows like he’s trying to understand where you got to that conclusion, he looks deep in thought. then recognition flickers behind his eyes and he leans closer, clasping your hands in his. staring into your eyes like he were sorry. you sniffle as he takes your hands and try not to sob at how royally you’d felt like you’d fucked this up.
“bruce told you at gordon’s event didn’t he? fuck, i wanted to be the one to do it.” he searches your face when you look down into your lap. though jason follows your head and tilts his. “i’m sorry. i said no more lies and i hid this.”
he leans even closer, enough to smell your perfume and the slight intoxicating scent of lingering weed illuminating between you. jason sighs and holds back his own emotions. “i feel like i’m always apologizing to you like an idiot.”
between quiet sniffles you find yourself leaning closer to him, searching unconsciously for comfort. you lean your head onto his shoulder.
“you’re not an idiot. i just can’t stand to lose you jay.” the quiet admission slips.
immediately he cradles your head there, leaning his own head on top of yours and gently touching your cheek. he whispers a small shaky noise that sounded to your name before he takes a shallow breath.
“you’re allowed to be happy. if he’s making you happy then i want that for you.”
you pull away to look at him, the motion evident all over your face now that he could see it again.
“damn it jason, i’m not fucking happy! i didn’t move on,” elevating your voice like you were speaking to yourself more than him. probably still more intoxicated than you felt. “i don’t love hal. i don’t, love anyone else but—” you cut yourself off.
the car suddenly feels a lot smaller. the doors seemingly doing nothing to make you feel closer to jason despite how close you say next to another. the silence stretched for what felt like minutes but was only seconds.
but jason, his eyes were glued to yours.
“you love someone else?” voice small as he carefully watches you. waiting patiently for you to fill in blanks he desperately wanted to be right about.
slowly, you nod as a tear slips down your face. “you jason. it’s you.”
his hands touch your face delicately. thumb grazing over the warm tear as he held you close. from how close you say now, you could see the tears welling in his eyes and the relief that flooded as he switched between your eyes.
“you love me?” breathlessly, he said.
unable to say anything through your broken tears, a sob breaks out as you nod. jason presses his forehead to yours and whispers your name, over and over like he’s counting his blessings.
“please,” he rasps, “please say it. i want to hear it ma, please.”
between sobs, you melt against him. tearing wetting your lashes and his skin.
“i love you jason todd. i love you so much that it’s causing me physical pain.” laughing a little at the end as he joins you.
“yeah baby? well, the feeling is mutual and i love you more than i’ve ever loved anything or anyone.” gazing into your eyes like it held the key to all of his prayers.
pulling you closer like there wasn’t a dashboard between you. all resolve crumbs as you climb over it and into his lap, straddling him tight. his hand grazes over you hair and pushes it back as he makes you face him, wiping the tear streaks from your skin. he shushes you as you sniffle.
“don’t cry baby, i’m not leaving. i’m never leaving you again. you hear me?” kissing your cheeks as you pull at his shirt. “i didn’t pick a school yet. i haven’t chosen one because i can’t breathe if you’re not close.”
you hum as you pull at his shirt again, tugging him closer and letting him lean you against the steering wheel. pulling his hair back to watch his handsome face smile up at you. your eyes flicker to his lips and he smiles brightly as he drops his hands to your thighs, kneading the plush there.
“you want something princess?” teasing despite the circumstances.
you can’t help but laugh and roll your eyes. “just kiss me already jason.”
“for you? anything.”
then he’s on you, pressing his perfect lips to yours. it feels like your floating over yourself as he deepens it, holding you tight against him as shops his tongue down your throat. you him into his mouth, moaning lowly as you hips mindlessly shift against him. jason groans and bucks his hips slightly, biting your lip to make the sweet sound slip past your lips and to his ears.
“baby,” he rasps against your mouth.
though you don’t part, instead you tug at his shirt and pull up the hem. jason gets the message immediately, letting you pull it up enough for him to take it off all the way. his shirt is off when you trail your fingers down his abs, touching the hard muscle that you missed like a pillow. you graze your fingers up and down while you kiss down his jaw, eliciting a gorgeous moan from him that felt like music to your ears.
fumbling with your skirt while you undid his belt, you could feel how hard he was beneath you.
“are you sure?” breathlessly he says while you nip up by his ear.
nodding, you moan against his skin, biting the love and kneading it with your teeth.
“yeah jay.” you rasp. “i need you.”
it’s enough to spur him further, hiking up your skirt as you push his jeans down with his boxers. you feel his hard length against your bare inner thigh, painfully hard and leaking in your need.
he’s moving to pull your panties down when you stop him, taking his hand and guiding him to push them to the side instead. urgency in your movements as you watch the realization in his eyes. jason only smiles as you guide his length to press against you. the message is clear as he nods and kisses you again, pecking your lips in little movements as though savouring you.
then you’re pressing down against him, mouth parting as you take him. seating yourself down as he holds you, guiding your hips when you try to take him at once. jason stops you before you try to let him all the way in. he sighs like he’s straining himself.
“breathe baby,” gulping as sweat wicks his forehead. “no rush. breathe. it’s all yours yeah? i’m all yours.”
you nod as you lean forward again, capturing his lips and lapping at him. he tightens his hold on you as you tilt your head, pressing him further into his seat as you begin to shift your hips. sinking further down against him, jason guides you there.
he doesn’t thrust up into you when you take him completely. instead, he parts from your lips, letting you breathe with a line of spit between you from how desperately you both needed eachother. jason groans lowly as you continue to shift your hips, dropping his head against the seat as praises escape from your lips.
“so good jay,” whining as you bounce against him. “you’re so perfect baby.”
jason returns the whine and bites his lip. this only excites you further, knowing how it pushes his buttons and turns him on. you know your man. grinding against him harder, you moan as he kneads your ass in his palms. little moans and words of affirmation as the signs of him losing himself made you want it more.
“i love you,” he moans helplessly, saying your name over and over. “god, i love you so much.”
“i love you too baby.” you whisper against his lips. “you’re so good. fuck, you’re so big.”
he makes another whimpering sound, his hips stuttering against yours as your movements only grew wilder.
“shit baby, don’t say that. i’m gonna lose it.” groaning as he throws his head back again, entirely lost in the feeling of you.
the peak was creeping over on you too. you could feel yourself there, sensitive enough to let go, but not enough to get him there first. hips moving in tandem with yours as he bucked up into you.
“good,” you sighed dreamily, smiling down at jason who’s just barely keeping it together. “i want you to let go.”
“oh fuck,” he moans.
he bites his lip so hard you think he’s gonna make it bleed. fingers digging into your thighs like an anchor. another whimpering sound that grew into a moan as he dropped his head to your chest. lazily grinding against you as he held you tight against him.
“please jay,” knowing exactly what you were doing. voice breathy and seductive. “i wanna feel it inside me.”
the response is immediately as he sputter and loses all semblance of himself. his hips buck up, once, twice, and he hold it deep inside you. letting go and painting you inside as he made swallow thrusts.
the feeling crashes over you too as soon as you feel it, crying out as he held you through it, guiding your hips still. he makes sure to rock you through your peak, lazily grinding as you gasped for air.
coming down while he kept you close, collapsed against his chest. melting into him while he caught his breath. jason sucks in a sharp breath and sighs. his spent leaking onto his lap and he didn’t care.
“i meant it.” he admits while you’re still reeling.
you hum quietly to tell him to continue.
“that i love you. that i’m never leaving you.” already kissing your dampened hair as he remained seated inside you.
“i meant it too,” you croaked, entirely spent. “i love you jason todd.”
the smile on his face could be felt through your hair, and he laughed as he tightened his hold around you. almost crushing but you couldn’t care less if you tried.
“so,” his voice still sounded unsure like he was gauging your opinion and didn’t want to overstep. “does this mean i can call you my girlfriend now?”
putting a hand to his chest to lift yourself, you look him in the eyes. squinting as you smack his chest lightly.
“i’ll kill you if you don’t.”
a slow smile creeps over his handsome face. the expression only makes you want to jump his bones again like he wasn’t hardening inside of you all over again. jason cups your cheek and pulls you in for another sloppy, wet kiss. slipping his tongue past your lips and biting your lip as he parts.
“good. cause i’m gotham u offers a good criminology masters program and i’m thinking of accepting it.” pressing his lips to your nose and to your forehead as you giggle.
then his word click and you gasp. “gotham u?”
he nods dreamily with his eyes half lidded, watching you. “well if my girlfriend is still going there then—”
“yes!” you shove him further into his seat, taking the turn to kiss all over his face. “a million times yes. don’t you dare,” speaking between kisses, “change your mind.”
he pinches your side so you stop and leans his forehead against yours again. either hand on the sea of your face like he was trying to memorize how you felt and brand it to his skin. jason stared lovingly into your eyes and you felt it, deeply.
for the first time in months, you felt love unconditionally and unapologetically reciprocated.
“i wouldn’t dream of it princess.” eyes twinkling as he stared at you.
looking into his eyes, the future didn’t feel so scary anymore.
i’d like to apologize for how long you had to wait for this. i am currently battered and bruised but i feel super accomplished now that this is done too. nerdystoner!jason i love you!
“meant it” | nerdystoner!jason | university au | smut
summary: jason’s finding hard seeing you move on from him so his solution is to keep his distance. fortunately, he can’t even manage that.
tags + extras: college!au, angst, smoking, drinking, smut, reader is (was) a virgin. car sex. jealousy, frat houses mentioned, bsfs!brother, yes the reader has more than one bsf. plottwist. dick is in a frat because of course out of all the batboys it would be him. jason is not in a frat cause he wouldn’t join it, he’d think its stupid but would stick around for some parties for funsies.
a/n: the long awaited finale!! so so sorry, life got busy and the university experience was killing me as it is the characters in this au lmao. anyway, i hope this lives up to your expectations and doesn’t disappoint. unfortunately i couldn’t proofread cause i had my first amateur boxing match last night (and won yay) so i didn’t have time to proofread.
the funny thing about saying something out loud is that it solidifies itself by whoever heard it.
being caught off guard and saying something you’d never really considered before and it takes root in your life as your word is held against you. something about this whole situation reminded you of the fundamentals of primary school and the golden rules you were supposed to follow.
treat others the way you want to be treated.
think before you speak.
something must’ve gotten lost in translation because everything seems to be going to shit.
back inside of the house, jason is nowhere to be found.
you duck into his room, check grayson’s, and then ultimately decide to check back downstairs again. nothing. pulling out your phone to call jason when you run into grayson, walking right into him as you descend down the stairs.
“woah, slow down,” he holds your shoulders straight, “where are we going?”
waving your phone around vaguely, “i was looking for jason but i think he left?”
grayson nods, “yeah. he went on a liquor run with roy and wally.”
“huh,” nodding back, you hum, “liquor run.”
“yeah, it’s a pool party this time so guaranteed need a couple kegs and something strong for shots.” continuing while you walk with him to the now fixed window and shooing away barry and oliver who were standing way too close to comfort. “and whoever did this shit is gonna get their ass beat when i find them.”
“makes sense.” you barely reply, watching as people move around you but not really paying attention.
the last few days have been, eventful to say the least. then hal threw in that curveball that just caused another spiral of what you and jason even were. he apologized, yes, and of course you want jason. you’ll always want jason but you’ve spent so much time now on him, trying to get over him to no avail. weeks of your life distancing yourself only to get pulled back to him again.
saying yes to hal felt like more of an unconscious decision than you actually wanting to date him.
it’s probably mean but he threw you off when he suddenly asked you out and it almost felt like a sign. that you had options and that not being with jason wasn’t the end of the world even if it felt like it. maybe hal could give you some perspective.
it’s not like hal jordan is ugly by any means. you’ve seen him without a shirt and he’s insanely ripped, much like grayson is. he’s pretty too, the kind that would make anyone do a double take.
but in the back of yours mind you still knew.
he’s not jason.
“hey,” grayson suddenly says, “you keep zoning out on me.”
you turn to face him, “yeah, sorry.”
he shakes his head and points a finger at your forehead, “don’t apologize. what’s going on in that head of yours?”
with a heavy sigh and no patience left to lie, “i hooked up with jason again.”
grayson’s eyes widen, “oh, i didn’t need to know that—” he sighs, “uh, isn’t that a good thing?”
you nod slowly, “i think so.”
from behind the two of you, the party began to get bigger. glassing clinking and laughter ringing. roaring music as tim whispered something in connor’s ear and he clicked away on his phone. hal had already joined the crowd with his shirt crooked on his body and a hand clasped around a beer. the front door was opening and closing more than you could count and the bodies stacking inside were more than the previous ones you’d been to probably because it was the last one of the school year. but jason wasn’t back yet.
someone bumps into you from behind and touches your waist to steady you from falling.
“oops sorry. ‘m a clutz.” laughing as she lets go of your side to get a better look at you. “wait, i know you!”
she smiles bright, her hair dark and beautiful. her eyes had the prettiest sparkle to them. you blink at the girl in front of you and exchange a glance with grayson.
“are you in my program?” you ask.
grayson cuts in, “no, this is donna. you met her at the last party.”
you nod slowly as the gears turn you recognize her face from spin the bottle. “oh, hey. sorry.”
“you were dating jason right?” a clear slur in her voice that told you’d she’d been drinking for a while before getting here, “ugh i was talking to roy and he’s such a dog. both of them are honestly. i just can’t believe jason made that bet about you seriously. all my sisters are uber pissed and swore to keep away for at least another week.”
your stomach drops at her words and the creeping feeling of embarrassment takes form. though another form of jealousy crept too.
“you all heard?” you ask quietly.
donna nods immediately, “of course, everyone kinda did. but and of course roy is still up jade’s ass so whatever.”
she doesn’t notice how you’re demeanour shifts just barely. the creeping unease from everyone knowing your existence from a bet, no matter how much reassurance jason gave you. it was finally in front of you. you’d seen how you’re known to people you don’t really even know—as a joke.
twisting his head slightly, dick read how her words were hitting you before you’d even said anything yourself. he gestures to her hand quickly. “you’re drinking pink whitney?”
she shrugs and holds her cup up, “of course. don’t act like it’s not good.”
“never said that it’s just banned from this frat. too many bad memories.”
a distant shout makes grayson turn his attention that way again. when you turn too, you see conner with blood dripping down his neck and a face palming tim. the needle in conners hand is barely visible from where you were but you could see enough to know he was adjusting a new piece of metal in his lip, matching the other side.
he pierced himself and didn’t even seem fazed.
“for fucks sake,” grayson murmurs under his breath before putting hand up to both of you and storming over towards them.
“i told him not to do it,” tim sighs and shrugs while conner looks pleased with himself, already tonguing at the snake bite.
grayson grabs the towel and holds it to his lip himself, like the responsible guy he tries to be. “this is the last time you pierce yourself dude. just go to the fucking tattoo parlor across the street.”
beneath the paper towel, conner laughs but it comes out more muffled, “‘n pay sixty-five bucks? ya right.”
you’d probably been smiling at their interaction or just tuned out so much that donna tapped you again.
“do you want get a drink too? i’m basically out.”
glancing towards the front door once more, like it could bring jason back faster, you slowly nod. the two of you move towards the kitchen and donna starts talking about astrology and zodiac signs. she explains how her sign is compatible with most people but you don’t quite remember what her sign even was from how fast she talked. by the time she’s pouring you a drink in a solo cup and handing it to you, she starts talking about roy again.
“—he’s a dick. a real piece of work but when we’re alone he’s sweet. i don’t get it.” she sighs before gesturing towards you vaguely at how zoned out you were again, “but i’m sure jason is similar right? they are bestfriends.”
though you answer immediately, your blood warm from the alcohol already, “no. he’s actually really sweet in every situation. just kindhearted like it’s in his blood, i don’t know, it’s kind of infuriating.”
she nods along, “he keeps to himself yeah. just a real ass for making that bet over you babe. i’m sorry about that.”
grimacing softly, you sigh, “why’re you sorry? it’s not like you did it.”
“i mean, it just doesn’t make sense.” donna dramatically groans, “he’s in love with you! why’d do men do terrible things to the women they love?”
you down the rest of your cup and immediately regret it with a groan of disgust before shrugging, “it’s not love. it’s like a race of endurance. who can take more hardship from someone whose supposed to make their life easier.”
she laughs with her pretty teeth out, bumping shoulders with you, “you sound like you’ve had a lot of shitty boyfriends.”
“one was enough,” you genuinely laugh too before it simmers into something deeper, “and he’s not shitty and that’s the problem.”
she frowns, “oh babe, i know exactly what you mean.”
the front door continues to open and close, inviting new people in and letting others out. between the shuffling, the two of you slide onto the counter, legs crossed towards the other. that’s when a thought occurs to you again and it demands to be discovered. you gulp before you speak.
“um… did you really mean what you said earlier? that everyone heard what roy said?”
donna’s frown deepens before she nods, “the people around us and other sorority did.”
“who cares though? after you graduate, you’ll never gonna see these losers again.”
she jumps off the counter, “let’s go, show ‘em how hot you are.”
sipping your drink, you glancing towards the party through the doorway. you blink at her than down at your clothes that wasn’t meant for a party.
“nah i’m good in here.” lying right through your teeth like you were any form of good right now.
she rolls her eyes and drags you anyways, back towards the loud music. as soon as you’re back you see shots being poured by roy and wally. the two of them arguing over who had better taste in music while you walked over with donna. when you look to donna to tell her to ignore roy, she’s already got hearts in her eyes and you sigh softly to yourself.
“—all you listen to is fucking faye webster,” roy sighs, “i bet you listen to taylor swift too.”
wally gasps like he’s offended, “okay that’s where i draw the line.”
when roy opens his mouth again, conner drapes his arms around both of their shoulders, “both of you have shit taste, how’s that?”
as soon as roy squints at tim over conners shoulder. though tim only smiled tightly and tilts his head towards where you stood with donna. he catches donnas eye and he shoots her a stupid smile. the kind you recognize from him as the one he makes to women he wants to sleep with. you step slightly in front of her like a protective boyfriend or something even though you’d just met her. cause you know what roy is like and in the little time you’d known donna, you know how he makes her feel with so little words.
“have you seen jason?” you say with a tilt of your head.
roy shrugs, “he’s probably still being the keg inside.”
you frown, “you let him bring a whole keg in alone?”
“have you seen the man?” asking with genuine confusion towards you, “he’s fucking ripped.”
as if you even have to think about it, you nod and turn to go find him. donna’s already making her way towards roy before you can tell her anything. so you continue your way towards the garage.
music slowly getting quieter as you walk down the hall and into the laundry room. ignoring the people making out on top of the washer and dryer as you open the garage door and find it still open. and jason’s mustang still on. but he was nowhere to be found there. you circle the car and turn the corner to no avail still. jason wasn’t there. you turn towards the front door and still don’t find him. with an exasperated groan, you stomp towards the backyard door to try again at finding him because there’s no way he just left his car on right?
“you looking for something?” a husky voice calls out.
before you’d even touched the backward door, you spin on your heel to find jason there. blunt burning between his fingers as he leaned against his car.
“yeah actually.” as you approach him, “you.”
his face stays the same as he takes another drag. eyes not lifting from you and the same stoic look on them.
“so, you found me.” he says as he blows the smoke out. the grey clouding around him and the sour smell of marijuana radiating off of him. heady in the way that distracts you.
you nod like it means something and lean next to him. “you always seem to smoke in the same spot so if you were trying to hide, should try harder.”
jason sighs and stretches his shoulders, “i guess i’m getting predictable.”
the moment pauses as you try to decipher the meaning in his words. “i didn’t say it was a bad thing.”
his eyes meet yours as he pushes off the wall. “neither did i.”
making quick work to ash out his barely lit joint, he flicks it away as he pivots and moves to go back inside without even a glance towards your direction. something in your stomach twists. you frown to yourself before deciding to ask him.
“did i do something wrong?”
jason turns his head just enough to look at you. his hand still on the door as he pulls it open. the smile that he gives you barely reaches his eyes as that same exhaustion you’d seen earlier had returned.
“nah ma, you didn’t do anything.”
then the door follows behind him, leaving you in the cold air to think to yourself. just long enough to decide that you should go home and give the both of you some space.
space you knew would eat away at your sanity.
luckily, you’re not much of a drinker so waking up early wasn’t hard to do after last night.
getting to gordon’s presentation on his new paper was easier than your morning practicals, at least today. naturally as his assistant and amateur researcher, you’d been invited to attend the gala thrown by the sponsors.
by the time you arrived, the guests were set up and the audience was packed. gordon’s standing by the bar with some of the law professors, holding a darkened drink that was definitely bitter and pretentious. a select few men with their hair slicked back had gathered around where gordon stood. conversing and laughing in a pitch that exhibited more wealth than you’d ever known.
your heels were already killing you as you walked off the subway since they had to host this on the upper east side of town. you tug at your neatly arranged dress and step forward to mingle like you were supposed to. forced to talk to the people that funded gordon’s PhD and his years of research that every other person had found ridiculous.
the sound of your name being called made you turn towards it.
“when’d you get here sweetheart?” gordon smiled as he gestured you towards the rest of them.
he was always such a strong and respected figure that you saw him like a parent. since your first year, you’d taken classes with him and his years of extensive police work had drawn you in. gordon might’ve pushed you really hard like he wanted you to do well because he really did. in the back of his mind he knew you were brilliant and wanted to nourish it before you finally graduated.
that’s why you had a full year of research assistance under your belt thanks to him.
the men around him parted for you and you exchanged a gentle hello. “i just got here actually.”
he nods, “good. great timing. i’d like you to meet some people!” gesturing towards the people in crisp suits with swirling glasses. “this is clifford devoe.”
the name rang bells immediately from how poorly gordan talked about him in private to you. gordans eyes looked to you then to the man again, silently saying a thousand words. you fill in the blanks for him and offer your hand to clifford when he raises his to take yours.
“you must be the generous one the university appointed. it’s so nice to finally meet you.”
with your hand gently taken into his hand, the feeling of unease that radiated off of him was unmistakable. you hide the grimace that he caused when he repeats your name to you.
“hm, yes.” still holding your hand a moment too long. dragging his eyes over you before letting you pull away. “i’ve seen what you’d contributed to the study on adolescent rehabilitation and prison reform. truly sickening that we still debate the human nature of criminals.”
you’re sure you’re failing terribly at hiding your distaste now. “don’t you think it’s a little silly to attribute it all to human nature?”
from beside you gordan seems to purse his lips. though clifford scoffs and smiles small, “of course a young woman such as yourself would think so as if that’s some revolutionary thought.” laughing through his words.
the condescension was clear from his rude mouth. you could taste the bitterness he spewed.
you hum, “why of course a man such as yourself would believe no one is redeemable but himself.”
from beside him, the black haired man in the suit catches your eye briefly before chuckling into his glass. narrowing your eyes at the shape of his eyebrows because they were just so familiar, the thick arches that mimicked wings. it reminded you of jason and his thick set brows that were studiously perfect without having touched them.
gordon clears his throat and nudges you softly before saying your name to change the subject.
“have you seen the completed poster with all the statistics? it looks really great, let me show you.”
before you can say anything else, he’s already been walking away, turning his head to look at you just to ensure you’re following him. with a polite and contrasting goodbye, you take your leave. feeling proud of yourself as
when you get to the poster, gordon’s standing there squinting like he’s got something bad to say. but he just shakes his head and points to the men you’d left at the bar, still conversing like no tension had ever raised.
“he pays for the damn project sweetheart, we can’t insult him no matter how much of an ass he may be.”
you shrug and sigh before mumbling. “at least not to his face right?”
despite the situation, gordan laughs. “yeah, at least not to his face.” patting your back and turning the both of you towards the poster. “now, did i tell you that they approved you as a peer-reviewed scholar once you’ve graduated?”
looking towards the statistics scattered across the large poster, you saw all the datasets you’d condensed. all the graphs and charts that you’d made and the spreadsheets that made you feel like you were losing brain cells. you didn’t think you’d get being a contributor to research paper on your record too. just being an assistant was enough. with a tilt of your head at the meticulous pie chart you made so long ago you forgot about, you hum.
“but i’m not gonna be here so how could i contribute anything anyway?”
he shakes your shoulder gently, the way the father would when he’s proud but doesn’t wanna say it with words aloud. “it won’t publish until october.”
that stopped your mind from thinking about anything else but what just came out of his mouth.
eyes widening as you turn to him. “wait, really?”
this would set you apart from other applicants in your graduate program and give you a better chance at getting into it.
he smiles with crinkles around his eyes and nods because you’d only been talking about this since you started. also because someone had already mentioned your interest to him.
“do i get any credit for that part of it?” a voice from behind you sound a d you turn to face it.
but you didn’t expect for it to be bruce wayne.
you blink at your friends dad that you’d only seen a handful of times before. now you recall how he was sat at the bar earlier, just his eyes visible and the realization of how they looked having distracted you enough. still you smile and lean forward to take his hand when he offers it.
“mr. wayne, it’s so nice to see you. i didn’t think you’d be here.”
his hand was firm and certain. righteous in a way that he radiated the energy even when you would just briefly see him.
“gordon invited me along with a couple business partners. it’s good to see you again. what’s it been? 2 years?” bruce gives a small smile while he places his drink on the table next to you. looking to gordon, bruce switches his gaze between him and the poster, “i’ve been thinking, you could go back as commissioner and implement these ideas yourself gordon.”
a snort escapes gordon as he shakes his head, “no way, and leave my cushiony tenure position?” laughing as he gestures to the poster. “you see the bridge in socioeconomic status and educational attainment? those positions don’t require degrees. they just need intelligence and compassion that comes naturally. you got a knack for those bruce.”
the two of them share a knowing glance before someone approaches gordon to ask about something with his focus group, taking away his attention. he excuses himself before he leaves you there with bruce. for a moment, it’s quiet while bruce watches the party, taking slow sips of his bourbon.
you watch with him, noticing how the people in this party were mostly the types who didn’t need to worry about these things. about the ones that are unfairly prosecuted or treated as villainous for trying to survive. no one in this room held that title the way you’d seen women and men alike being pressed. surveillance was created by them for them, to protect them.
that’s what made you want to get involved in gordon’s study. a chance to use theory and practice in a way that actually mattered.
“you think very loudly.” bruce suddenly says.
your head turns to his, still looking out at the people conversing and moving about. she’s trained over nothing and everything at once.
“my bad,” you laugh nervously.
he only shoots you another smile, “don’t be. your mind is brilliant and meant to think. don’t burn yourself out doing it too much. it’s a habit i’ve yet to get my sons to figure out too.”
sons. right.
nodding your head, you change the subject. “you know gordon pretty well?”
he nods too. “knew him back when he was still an officer. the man is a saint personified.”
distracted from the topic at hand, you try to stay focused, nodding along and silently staring at where bruce’s eyes were trained. though bruce is incredibly attentive, and he immediately notices how you’d been looking. fixing his watch that didn’t need any adjusting as he speaks.
“dick tells me jason misses you.”
nearly choking on your spit, you look to bruce again, forgetting to not look so surprised. “what?”
behind his professionalism, something turns warmer. “he’s taking academics more seriously. i’ve always told him he’s got the smarts when he puts his mind to it but i’m sure you’ve seen how shrugs it off.”
not knowing what to say, you nod him along.
“…he even applied for a couple graduate programs thanks to you and got into them all across the country.” lifting his glass and sipping.
“i didn’t know he applied.” you admit.
“it’s force of habit i guess,” he shrugs. “he didn’t even tell me when he got into gotham university. just started attending classes and brushed it off like it was no big deal which i assure you, it is.”
frowning at his fathers admission, “that’s kinda sad. he’s probably the smartest person i know.”
suddenly bruce smiles at you, his grin something more of fond remembrance. he adjusts his suit and sniffs just audible enough for you to notice. then his smile falls as he meets the eye of someone across from the room and they wave to one another.
“if you see my son, please let him know for me that his bike has been replaced. and that i need him to answer the phone when i call him.” touching your wrist softly and bidding you goodbye.
with nothing to say or actualize the fact with, you’d turned your attention back to the poster. the words swirling themselves until you’d forgotten what the last year collecting was about.
suddenly you’re glad there’s noone around to ask you about it, cause you’re not sure you’d know.
“dude just back that shit up on me.” grayson coos.
from in front of him, wally groans. “no dude, it’s not gonna fit in there anyways. just ask someone else to.”
“i’ll make it fit just shut up and do it.”
on the couch a phone rings. both of the boys ignore it and instead continuing muttering at the other. taking turns groaning as wally pushes the desk, hal shakes his head from the other side of the room.
“you guys know you could do this literally anywhere else.”
“and you could help, you know?” grayson sighs as he drops the horribly built ikea desk wally built. looking hal up and down, dick furrows his brow. “why are you even dressed like that?”
brushing off his shirt with absolutely no lint on it, hal smooths out the folds in his button up. grinning from ear to ear like a kid who’d won a prize. “I have a date.”
the boys all turn to look at him.
“oh,” wally lets the desk back on the ground, ignoring how grayson groans when it hits his foot. “a hot date huh? she got a friend?”
like perfectly horrible timing, jason’s walking into the living room. to grab his phone he’d forgotten that had unknowingly been ringing and buzzing. his eyes fall on hal on the chair immediately, trailing up his form with sharp eyes. dick clears his throat at the sight.
“your phones been ringing.” he simply says.
“yeah, i heard.” jason murmurs as he clears past hal wordlessly and heads straight to the kitchen as though he wanted nothing to do with him.
as though his very being annoyed him enough that he couldn’t spare him a glance right now. the sudden presence and departure of jason had thrown the energy of the room off for a moment, not because of him but how far hals discomfort radiated. wally takes a long look between grayson and hal before nodding towards where jason had disappeared behind the wall of.
“what’s his problem?” he sits next to hal on the couch, legs going up lazily on the coffee table.
hal opened his mouth to fill in the blanks, but grayson chimes in first, his eyes trained pointedly on hal as he answers wally. “his girl left him for some douchebag in a frat.”
awkwardly the air fills as wally nods. “right…”
“i’m gonna uh—” hal stands and leaves his cup on the table. “head out now. i’m picking her up and all.”
perched on the ikea desk, grayson nods with an expression that looks disapproving. “i expect you back around midnight cinderella. no hooking up on your first date.”
wally snorts, “hasn’t stopped him before.”
“shut up west.” effectively cutting through the tension again and reminding him who he was speaking about. “i’m serious, i’m putting the latch on after.”
the other two stay silent. hal nodding knowingly before grabbing his key and leaving them with a quiet goodbye. wally furrows his brows only minutes later as he contemplates. while the room drifts back into a silence and grayson leaves to check the kitchen only to find it empty, wally itches his chin.
“gray?” mumbling vaguely.
he hums in acknowledgment as he types away on his phone.
“is the girl he’s going out with jason’s girl?”
that gets him to look up from his phone and bring his hand out. hovering over wally’s forehead before flicking him with a sharp seething sound from his lips. grayson huffs.
“no shit sherlock. now stop straining yourself and get off your ass, get move this desk out of my living room.”
this entire situation was so fucked.
the night had hardly started and hal already fucked up in ways you knew jason would never. when he messaged you about confirming the date, he wouldn’t say where it would be. so instead, you opted to ask what to wear.
big. fucking. mistake.
never ask a man what to where to any occasion because they will give you false, misleading information and clearly hal jordan was no exception.
he told you to dress casual, something everyday, he said. thankfully you chose to wear a simple black dress otherwise you’d be entirely underdressed for this fancy restaurant he took you to. now he’s sitting across from you, flipping through the menu gracefully like he’s a food connoisseur. occasionally humming as he reads out the name of the dish to you.
“would you like the house caviar? it’s genuinely the best thing you’ll find in the tri-state area.” eyes twinkling beautifully under the romantic ambience lighting.
if it were any other period of your life, you might really, truly like him. the way he took charge and pushed to ask you out was hot. he found a way to wiggle into your life and he took what he wanted. hal was good looking, smart, and he had a good head on his shoulders. but somehow you found yourself looking into his eyes like they were interesting. found yourself staring at the orange illuminating his skin like it were the most familiar thing, and watching the flames flicker in his eyes.
staring at the flames that reminded you of him.
the warmth grew on your skin as his face morphed everytime you blinked and the love ached. your heart ached at the thought of him.
he touches your hand, “you okay?”
“huh?” you shut your eyes and look back at him quickly, shaking the distraction off. “sorry i missed what you asked.”
his thumb strokes the back of your hand soothingly. the action grounds you from the thoughts the swirled. “if you’d like caviar to try. the mussels are insane here too.”
shooting him a reassuring smile, you shake your head. “oh um, sure. whatever you’d like.”
“but would you like it?” he counters.
“probably not.” you answer honestly. “sorry.”
he smiles, “don’t apologize. it’s good to know though, next time i’ll take you somewhere not fish related.”
vaguely you nod and try to smile though you’re sure it comes out insincere. hal only frowns and squeezes your hand like he’d known you’d needed some reassurance to guide your thoughts.
“hey we can still go home.” suddenly he says. “i mean i don’t want to, shit i don’t care if jason mopes around and cries himself to sleep. i know what i want and that’s you.”
you blink slowly, letting his declaration find footing in your mind. technically he was right. you had these second thoughts because you weren’t even sure of this date would go ahead or if hal really did like you. it’s almost like he reads your mind when he tilts his head to look harder at you.
“—he doesn’t decide if we like eachother. i’d be damned if i let him get in the way of me and pretty girl just cause he fumbled her.”
the waiter comes by before you can speak through your parted lips and offers more wine. hal smiles and nods at the waiter, his warm hand still holding yours. it only occurred then that you were the one making this awkward, not him. the waiter pours your drinks and hal lifts his with his free hand, gesturing you to do the same. clinking the glasses, he swirls the cup and sips, his eyes trained on yours as you mirror him.
setting his drink back down and letting you take your hand back, hal orders for the both of you. part of you wasn’t sure how to feel, him taking that initiative to place an order of what you’d like to eat but also partially annoyed that he’d assumed what you’d like. or maybe he just did what he pleased. regardless, you were kind of glad he’d said something to the waiter cause the names of the dishes on this menu was absolutely insane. continually you look around the space, taking in the gorgeous lighting and the artwork that definitely costs thousands to maintain here. he watches your face while you stare at the tapestry behind him.
“do you like art then?”
you nod your head, still looking at the painting behind him. “i can appreciate it for sure.”
his eyes don’t falter, still staring at you while you’re looking around. “so can i.”
when you look to him, he’s got his head in one of his hands, smiling fainting with those dimples just deep enough to notice. he blinks at you, still giddy. “don’t mind me. i’m taking it in.”
you raise a brow at him. “taking in me or this place?”
“would it be wrong if i said both?”
heat rushes to his ears as soon as the words leave his mouth. it only makes you feel like imploding from how sweet he was being. fighting the urge to smile until he breaks into a soft laughter and you return the same. shaking your head and looking up the the chandelier hanging just next to you again. hal follows your gaze.
“you’ve looked at that chandelier at least eight times now.” this time looking with you like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.
“sorry,” you laugh. “i haven’t been anywhere this nice before.”
he tops off your drinks and leans his elbows on the table in improper etiquette. “don’t worry about apologizing. i’m not much fancy restaurant guy myself.”
pointedly, you eye him. his effortlessly handsome outfit and his crisp button up shirt. you narrow your eyes at him. “could’ve fooled me jordan.”
“hey,” he raises his hands in surrender. “i don’t even know what these forks are for. i usually like eating with the little one at home.”
a genuine smile returns on your face as you lean closer just as he’s been. “i’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be a sign of neurodivergence.”
“a fork?” he challenges. “you know what, you’re smart and pretty, i believe anything you say.”
lightly you smack his arm and shake your head, calling him stupid with no malice as you sipped your drink. after a couple more minutes, the waiter comes out with your food. as soon as you take a bite, you look up at him wide eyed and make a sound of approval.
hal smiles like he’s won the lottery. “yeah? it’s good?”
with your eyes still closed now, you shake your head and chew. “very good.”
pushing your plate to him, he laughs and takes a forkful to try. only seconds later moaning egregiously enough that the older people in the tables next to you have dirty looks.
“this, is better than sex.” he admits more loudly than he needs to.
“really selling yourself short there,” you laughed.
blinking he laughs. “i mean, sex is objectively good right. but if the girls not feeling it then it’s never good. as a man, i’m objectively not as good as this pasta.”
this only makes you laugh harder. “that still didn’t make any sense.”
your mind eases off of jason for a while as he presses you for information about school and your future. he listens so intently that it makes you feel respected and valued. though this doesn’t last long because you’re left thinking about jason again before you’re trying to shake it off to no avail. the comparisons were hard to ignore.
hal had ordered the caviar he was anxiously wanted you to try and reluctantly you’d made some excuse not to. hal shrugs and eats the rest while you’re not sure whether to be endeared or slightly horrified. but even this wasn’t an issue.
the problem was exactly that. hal jordan had no red flags for you to focus on. nothing for you to say so you could argue that you weren’t ready or that he was rude enough to warrant never seeing him again. he was quite the opposite of being crude. the date was far from terrible. he’d picked you up from your place and even came up to your floor to walk you down. flowers waited for you on the passenger seat once he got you there.
even after the dinner was over and hal had paid for the bill, he wrapped his coat around you and respectfully walked you of the building with a hovering hand. still unsure if he could touch you but not ready enough to ask to. he held the door open as he let you back into his car. drove you back to your apartment and walked you up the stairs all over again. shamefully, all you could backtrack to was jason. all you could imagine was the parallels to jason at your front door, waiting for you to open it. now you were opening your heart to a boy you didn’t pay much mind to a month ago, no matter how physically attractive he was.
but hal had no problems to blame your inability to fall into to. no real issues to back up this feeling that he wasn’t yours because he isn’t jason.
you unlock your front door and push it open, standing in he doorway with the lillies he’d bought you. he stands behind you with his hands in his pocket and a sweet smile that should’ve made you melt, instead you felt like stone.
“thank you for tonight hal. i had a lot of fun.”
shrugging and nodding with that perfect, unfamiliar look on his face, he speaks. “i did too. i really hope i can take you out again soon, maybe something less fancy? this time i can cook for you?”
the thought only made you swirl further.
distant memories that felt closer than before reappeared. jason cooking in your kitchen with a soft hum coming from his throat as he chopped and stirred. him feeding you something saucy and cheesy before he kissed your lips to wipe the residue off. his hands travelling down your thighs while he pressed against you with his lame apron still on. his voice by your ear saying all the sweet things you’d ever wanted to hear. now you wanted to vomit.
you nod, looking into each of hal’s eyes and letting him lean in closer as he stares at your lips. the intention was clear and you felt frozen in place. he leans further in and presses his soft lips to yours, deepening it as his hand came up to hold your head. though you don’t love from your place. you didn’t reach out to touch his head back or let go of the flowers. instead your grip loosened a little and you let your head go a little limp as he held you closer, though his lips somehow felt colder than the last ones you’d touched. then he pulls away, gasping slightly and smiling with his eyes closed.
“you’re so perfect.” he whispers before he kisses your cheek and pulls away. “good night gorgeous.”
watching as his footsteps depart and you stand there with the flowers hanging low, petals facing the floor. after a minute you quietly slip into your house, a new sense of discomfort bubbling. you shut the door behind you and lean against it, flows slipping from your fingers and hitting the floor with a soft thud. a shudder runs though you.
you’re not sure how many minutes are spent like this, thoughts swirling you around and taking root in your mind. the thoughts of jason and unease guilt that you didn’t believe you should even harbour. somehow you felt angry, not with hal, and not even with jason, but with yourself.
slow, hot years rush down your cheeks as you bury your head in your hands.
what the fuck were you doing?
the door shuts behind him with a thud, a soft groan on his lips as he slips his shoes off.
everyone should be asleep in the frat house now. it’s nearly 1am and he’s lucky grayson didn’t lock hal out. but there’s a light on in the kitchen, and something told him he wasn’t going to be let off so easily.
quietly hal creeps toward the kitchen, pulling off his belt as he approaches and leaves it on the table in the hall like he’d had a long day at work.
“how’s your date?” a voice grumbles.
hal nearly jumps, “jeez, fuck—jason? what’re you doing up?”
from the dining table jason grumbles again. dimly lit but just visible enough, hal spots a beer and a ashtray in front of him. “couldn’t sleep.”
stalking a little closer, hal turns on another light. “waiting up for me to get home i assume?”
“doesn’t matter,” he quickly answers. “whatever forget i asked.” getting up and throwing his beer out.
hal only stands there, watching him move and murmuring a quiet, “alright then…”
then jason turns around. he freezes in the doorway before he turns to hal, something on his face that meant he was serious. “just don’t… hurt her, alright?”
“you mean like you did?” crossing his arms across his chest as he blankly stares at jason.
“yeah,” jason agrees, his eyes shining with a soft sheen that told hal he was clearly emotional while he was out. then he resorts to threatening. “don’t do what i did cause i swear to god i’ll make you regret it jordan.”
though hal sees how he seemed defensive without any real malice. jason seems genuinely sad as though he’s realized what he done just as he was weeks ago, moping around the house. this time he only seemed defeated, and it didn’t seem worth it to keep dragging jason’s past along.
easing back toward the table, hal shrugs him off. “look man,” he sighs, “you don’t have anything to worry about.”
jason perks up a little as he look back up again. “what do you mean?”
“i mean,” shuffling his feet as he mentally prepares himself to reassure jason. “she seemed distracted the whole night. like she’s in her own head thinking about something else. it wasn’t until we got to her apartment that she—”
before he knew it jason was in his face, dangerously close. “you went to her home?” anger in his tone.
“i didn’t go into her home, i just dropped her off to her front door. no big deal. it’s not like we fucked or anything.”
his mouth opens and closes again like he’s going to ask him something but he doesn’t. instead he takes a backwards step and nods slowly. “right. good. you should be seeing her get home. it’s uh, safer that way.”
squinting his eyes like jason was entirely transparent despite how he tried to make himself seem, hal shakes his head. the tension falls from its rising crescendo and hal leans onto the table as jason anxiously taps his foot. the two of them unsure how to proceed from here. then grayson walks into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing at his eyes.
“you idiots whisper yell very loudly.” turning his head to hal to hone in on him. “didn’t i say be back earlier?”
“well you don’t lock the door.” shooting a cheeky smile that grayson doesn’t find amusing.
jason uses the opportunity to excuse himself and takes a bottle of water from the fridge. tugging on the drawstrings of his hoodie as he walks out. “night.”
the two boys return the sentiment and grayson turns back to hal, before jason is too far to miss their words. “how’d it go? you kiss her?”
from the staircase, jason stayed put there and held his breath. waiting for hal’s response to what he knew he had no right to be angry over. the milliseconds it takes him to respond felt like an eternity to jason.
hal chuckles quietly, “it went good. really good. i’m gonna take her out again next week.”
grayson nods expectantly. “you didn’t answer the second part.”
“yeah,” hal starts with a fond smile on his face, “i kissed her.”
letting out a slow, controlled breath from his nose, jason stares into the abyss ahead of him. at the dark unlit hallway that lead to his room and stalks towards it without thinking about it.
he doesn’t stay long enough to hear what his brother says and goes straight to his room.
the ethics lecture was the most boring one they’d gone over and you wished you slept in.
students had fallen asleep on their desk across the lecture hall, theatre seating giving you great view to see what everyone was up to. you were still distracted from the events of the last week and how you’d done a date with hal only two days prior.
the thing is, you hadn’t told anyone about it yet. you hadn’t seen cassandra or grayson. hell you hasn’t even heard roy’s loud mouth in a week let alone seen jason.
now you were finishing up your notes and cross referencing it to the readings to understand what concepts overlapped. highlighting the theories that worked in contemporary cases and found something to discredit it for your final paper coming up. the professor spoke quickly as he went through the importance of ethics as a researcher. how you’d need to inform the participant of their role in your work and how they play an important part in pinpointing change.
how it was your job to be honest and responsible. to ensure you’ve spoke nothing but the truth to the people you’d involved. all you wanted now was to talk to jason. not that you’re sure what you’d say, just that his voice could ease your mind from everything else.
once the lecture is over, you’re the first one to leave. a sweet treat and coffee was in order for the fruits of your labour today—getting out of bed and going to a lecture.
the cafe air is always warm and inviting. the scent of arabian beans and baked goods drawing you closer to the counter. it’s a blessing that it’s located right at the edge of campus too, so when the library was too packed, you’d head here.
you take your drink and a house made brownie to head to the booth seat by the window. watching the clear blue sky and listening to the chatter in the cafe. you pull out your laptop and notebook, cracking your knuckles in anticipation for what awaits you and how much studying you needed to catch up on. no matter how hard you prepared, there was always more to do in university. plus, being a research assistant meant you’d have to push your work work aside to aid in a project.
though right as you open a new tab and click your pen, you see him.
jason walked into the store with his headphones on and his bag slung over his shoulder. he heads straight for the booth in front of you and ouuuu track his movements without making it obvious. though when he passes by your table, he slows down. his eyes fall over you as fast as he looked away, and you feel a sense of disappointment wash over you. then, he just slides into his seat and all you can see is his hair poking out the top of the booth from tall he is in comparison.
why were you disappointed that he didn’t really say hi, you’re the one who kinda ghosted him.
to yourself you blink. at the laptop you blink harder. no, you’re not being crazy right? why didn’t he reach out anyway? is this all justified to him like he doesn’t really even care? you guys have been studying together for a while now, and he always joins you so boyfriend or not, why didn’t he? aren’t you guys friends?
you’re standing up before you know it, grabbing your things and roughly shoving it in your bag. the reasoning had convinced you enough that he was the one being weird because he totally was. didn’t jason even say you did nothing wrong the other night?
“hey,” you say standing next to his booth.
he lifts his headphone from one ear, “uh hi.”
“why didn’t you sit with me?”
blinking as he pauses his music, jason slides his headphones off and gestures you to sit. quietly you do.
“i assumed you were busy.” he says as you sit.
“i wasn’t.” more timidly than you intended to.
he shrugs slightly, “it looked like you were.”
for a moment you still. maybe you were right. maybe he doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. but why won’t he just say it out loud?
jason fiddles with his headphones for a second before he decides the grain of the wooden table was more interesting. you however, weren’t amused. in fact, you were quite confused as to why he’d been avoiding you entirely.
“was it something that i said?“ plainly, you ask.
jason sighs and looks you in the eyes fully for the first time since you sat down. “we haven’t talked in days, what could you have said?”
“exactly,” nodding his sentiment along, “you’ve been avoiding me and i can’t figure out why…”
“i’ve just been busy.” he lies.
“liar.” you call him out. “we have the same classes.”
with his hands, he gestures slyly. “look,” not realizing how his tone gave him away. “you didn’t say anything wrong.”
“so i did something then.” you correct.
jason grumbles and says your name. “no, now you’re putting words in my mouth. we, you and i, we’re good. you don’t owe me anything ma. i just want you to be happy.”
the nickname makes your stomach flutter regardless. jason looks to his phone to a message from roy and sighs before standing up again.
but you’re thinking over the meaning behind his words. i just want you to be happy. you don’t owe me anything. where the hell was that coming from?
“i gotta go.” shoving his headphones into his bag and getting out of the booth.
“oh, already?” you try and fail to hide your disappointment.
he only nods, “i’ll see you around princess.”
then he walks off.
the meaning behind his words only swirled you more confused. the thoughts filling your mind and sending mixed signals throughout. his sudden cold demeanour had you thinking and overthinking, letting them sink through the fabric of your clothes and onto your skin like a brand you felt shameful wearing as it clicked.
fuck, jason knew.
—
“you’ve gotta be kidding me.”
grayson has always been terrible at hiding his actual feelings with you. he could hardly even mask it as he stretches his legs out for his run and shakes his head.
“you’re still in love with him. of course you are! you guys are both playing racket ball with my last couple of brain cells.” pulling his leg behind him into a deep stretch.
burying your face in the pillow on his bed, you try not to scream.
lucky jason wasn’t home according to grayson. he had gone up to the cottage to grab his bike apparently and decided to spend the weekend there so he wouldn’t be back until monday.
folding to lay his palms flat in the ground, he effortlessly continues. “i never liked the hal thing for the record. i’d prefer keeping you in the family.”
“gray, you’re not helpful at all.” you murmur from his pillow.
sighing, he stands upright. “alright. fine. you tell me then.” striding closer and ruffling you hair obnoxiously. “do you really love him?”
from the pillows you lift your head and look up at his watchful eyes, a arch in his brow that demanded honesty. slowly you nod.
“i think he made me understand what it means and i’ll always want him.” you admit.
grayson shakes his head at your response as you sit upright. “that’s not what i asked though. do you love him? because if you’re using hal to move on, that’s a disservice to both of you. hal and yourself.”
“not jason?” you raise a brow.
“nope.” he quickly answers. “that boy made his bed the first time he messed with you. everything else is fair game in my mind.”
that pulls a genuine laugh out of you. his honesty only making his statement funnier to you.
“aye, i’m serious. jason hurt you once, so i’m not sweating you trying to move on, even if it’s a little fast for you.” patting your shoulder softly as he moves back towards the door.
though a sinking guilt still held you, he made you feel a little better. “thanks gray.”
“anytime,” he smiles. “now you have no excuse to miss the party i’m throwing you.”
everything in your face drops, both in disbelief and shock. “for me? what?”
this only makes him smile wider. “ha, perfect keep that surprised face when everyone shows up. it’s not everyday someone gets into grad school like haven’t been gushing over it since their first year.”
before you can grumble his name or protest another party after last weekends where jason vaguely told you, “you did nothing ma.” grayson is already out the door. stomping down the stairs as his open door lets the sound of his voice travel.
“wear something nice please!”
the walk over to the frat house was obnoxious as the campus was packed. people gathered across the field with drinks and blankets, music and loud students celebrating their final days on campus.
there was no choice for you but to attend since grayson practically forced you to go.
opening the door to the house was where you saw just how much bigger this party was than he told you. loud music and synthetic smoke mixed to create a barrier that could make you feel intoxicated just by being there.
by the stairs, there was a group of people lounging and smoking. a huge bong between them and a couple joints being passed between the group. then there was people just standing near the door, lingering and talking. mostly flirting. in the living room was a game of spin the bottle and another group dancing to dancehall.
you hear your name being called just seconds before someone hands you a drink and you gracefully accept. grayson approaches you and eyes the cup.
“what’re you doing accepting random drinks when i made you a special punch eh?” wrapping his arm around your shoulder and walking you both towards the kitchen.
you laugh as he spins you by your finger and whistles at your outfit. “you actually listened and wore a skirt.”
gushing beside him is donna, roy’s arm lazily around her waist. “oh my god. you look so hot!”
taking in her attire you admire her. her black dress with sparkles that looked stars in a night sky. she was so effortlessly gorgeous.
“thanks.” you smile. “so are you. that dress is made for you.”
donna laughs and picks up a solo cup, handing it to grayson to pour as roy nods his head at you. then he whispers in her ear and grayson steals your attention once again bu handing you a full cup of punch that you just knew was 90% alcohol and 10% punch.
“this, my beautiful friend, is made solely for you.”
clinking his plastic cup with yours before taking a swig. reluctantly you do the same, taking a long sip of the drink made to inebriate you clearly. the taste made you wince and shake your head, hanging your tongue out of your mouth as you grimace.
“what did you put in this grayson?” you wince.
he laughs and rubs your back as you cough. “oh you know, seltzer, lime, vodka, don’t worry about it. it’s mean to get you drunk and let loose before you’re in that stuck up institution without me.”
“you’re in an institution right now.” you blink.
for a moment he thinks, then he shrugs. “whatever, did you eat yet?”
“uh. not dinner if that’s what you mean.”
he tsks at you and opens the cabinet, tossing a protein bar at you. you catch it and eye the bar before his face like you’d asked, why without saying the words. he gets it of course.
“cause i don’t want you puking at a party meant for you. so eat it please.” he kisses the back of your head dramatically and you could already tell just how drunk he was.
humourlessly, you let out a small laugh and shake your head. but you don’t miss when grayson catches roy’s eye. he tilts his head and mouths something that you would’ve missed if his distraction had worked. roy looks to grayson and shrugs, and his words you can make out.
i don’t know.
“girl,” donna snaps you out of your trance. “you look too good to stand around. dragging you out of the kitchen by your wrists.
you’re still sipping your drink as she pulls you over, needing the liquid courage to get you right to cope with this. she’s pulling you into the empty space and starting to dance a little while you rest your drink on the table. swaying her hips next to yours and humming thoughtfully to the song.
“come on!” she laughs and you can’t help but laugh too.
the liquid swirling you with more confidence as you start to raise your hands and let the beat thump through your body. slowly, you bring your arms up and up your body, swaying and letting your hair fall behind you. donna’s got her hands on your hips experimentally, moving you around and whooping. you play along and grind on her like she’s your man here. then you see stephanie and cassandra just lounging by the couches and you gesture them over.
they rise and dance with eachother, inching closer until all you could smell radiating off of everyone nearby was the intoxicating marijuana and alcohol that ruined you like no other.
but the name didn’t stick, and the blunt from between cassandra’s fingers made its way to your lips as she placed it there. smiling at you and loudly saying, “i’m glad you left your house smarty pants.”
you roll your eyes and blow out the smoke, the sensations intensifying as you grew more intoxicated. leaning closer to her face, you whisper yell, “why don’t you go dance with your girlfriend yeah?”
cassandra laughs and offers you another hit that you so gracefully accept, twirling as you take a long drag and pass it back over. she moves her way back towards stephanie and does the same in putting the blunt between her lips. you catch stephanie hollowing her cheeks and urging her closer, blowing the smoke right in her mouth.
you couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that rose inside you. what they had, you wanted so badly. you practically had it with jason, but now your here swirling in your thoughts because a smell and an action now attributed itself to him in your mind. slowly you sway over and slow your dancing, the thoughts filling you up in a way you hated.
a hand grazes your side and spins you to face them. a smile on his face that practically echoed his intentions.
“hey gorgeous.” hal greets you. “you look real good.”
you blink up at him, a little tipsy and definitely a little high. the cross fade making you open enough to lower your inhibitions. you smile back.
“hi hal, so do you.” letting his hands go around your waist so he could move with you slowly.
the people around you are grinding on eachother, but you knew well enough that that’s not why you wanted. instead, you move his hands that travelled lower and place them on your waist. he doesn’t even question it and lets you use him for support as you grabbed your cup and took another sip.
from the corner of your eye you see a girl touching up on a guy, his back turned so all you could see was the ripple of hard muscle under his shirt. but the way he moved was too familiar.
your breath hitched as you watched the scene unfold.
the redheaded girl dragged her hand down his chest as he turns to the side, one of his hands hovering over hers and the other flat at his side. she’s mouthing something close to his ear and he tilts his head to hear it. the air from the room felt like it was being sucked out as you saw his face. the girl giggles as jason whispers back, and you feel your heart pounding in your chest.
quickly you turn away and take a giant gulp. unknowingly you had been gripping at hal’s chest and he had just let you. his eyes followed where yours had led and he frowns slightly as you pull away to down your drink.
“you okay?” he suddenly asks.
you clear your throat. “yeah, i’m fine,” fake smiling to sell your words.
“don’t do that,” he rasps in your ear. “it’s okay to still love him.”
that takes you back and you look up to him, his hands still locked around your waist.
“what?” you quietly say.
he smiles like it’s the easiest thing. “you heard me. it’s not a crime to be in love. hell, he’s a lucky guy to have a girl like you.”
the implication made your face burn. he knew you’d been in love with jason all this time, but he didn’t want to make you feel bad about it.
your lips part as you rasp his name as though in apology. though hal just shakes his head.
“it’s okay, i’m fine. i knew you liked him all this time, i kinda thought i could get you to understand there was more out there. part of me just always knew.” smiling sweetly.
taking a moment to look into his eyes, you gauge his sincerity. hal only mirrors everything he said because he meant it deeply, and that somehow made it worse. you feel your heart twist.
“i’m sorry,” voice breathy as you purse your lips.
he just smiles and shakes his head, looking up to where jason was before he spins you around. “let’s dance over there yeah?”
feeling his energy shift, you frown at him and turn around anyways. and you could feel your heart breaking into couple dozen pieces. the girl had her hands in his hair as though they’d just kissed, and you’re standing here feeling like an idiot as she runs her fingers through jason’s hair.
suddenly this party didn’t feel so fun anymore. a small sigh escapes you as you abruptly turn back around to hal, hand touching his chest like you needed it to keep you sane. he clasps his hand over yours and tilts your head up at him.
“it’s okay,” he whispers close by your ear. “you can show him what he’s missing.”
before you could ask what he’d met, he lowers his face to yours and presses his lips against you. a gentle peck meant to prove something that you weren’t even sure you wanted to show. a muffled sound of surprise gets swallowed by his as he deepens the kiss, opening one of his eyes just to see if jason was looking. you feel him smile against your lips as your wide eyes watch his, looking past you to ensure that jason knew exactly what he meant by what he’d been missing.
jason never wanted to come to this party. he’d told grayson as much when called him and told him to stay longer at the cottage because he didn’t want him to bother you.
he was happy for you of course. the fact that you’d gotten into the school of your choice and got what you’d deserve was everything he could have ever hoped for. you were the one person he was sure deserved every part of this.
though jason couldn’t stay in those four walls any longer and not think about how close he was to having you again.
the memories rang like church bells on a sunday morning. there was no escaping it.
now he’s come back to the frat house to go rot in his room when he found that someone already made their way up here and stole his bong. entirely annoyed and grumpy over many different reasons, he made his way downstairs, still in his black tee and grey sweatpants like he didn’t belong there.
as soon as he’s met with the scent of alcohol, jason grimaces from the last time he’d been drinking and recalled the events. he moves his way towards the living room to get away from all the things mixed in the punch that’s was in the kitchen.
though only two steps into the living room, he sees you—dancing. a slight wick of sweat on your brow as you moved carefree, hands on your friends shoulders while her hands were in the air. the way you moved was intoxicating enough for him. the air tightened and the room quieted as he saw you there and jason felt himself moving closer without even realizing, just magnetized to you especially now.
he made it a point to see who else was nearby, watching stephanie take cassandra’s hand and dance closer. then he averted his gaze to the men by the wall and saw the one person he definitely didn’t want to see.
hal fucking jordan.
the blood in his veins boiled for reasons he didn’t want to voice. something tore through his skin like it wanted to break free and grab him by the collar. part of jason wanted to physically fight him, no reason than for how close he’d gotten to you. but you kissed him. or maybe hal kissed you. either way jason knew you well enough to know you wouldn’t kiss him if you didn’t like him or at least didn’t see it heading that way.
jason sighs lowly as he sees hal down the rest of his cup and make his way over to you.
maybe he should get to you first, he thought.
no, you’re happy. at least you looked happy.
he talks himself out of it just as hal touches your hip. still halfway through lunging at him, someone touches jason’s shoulder and he turns to see roy standing next to a redheaded girl.
“jason, my friend here said she thinks you’re good looking.” straight to the point, roy says.
the girl smiles sheepishly, “hi.” her voice hoarse like she’d drank too much already. inebriated enough to have no social awareness.
roy smiles and steps behind her, shooting a wink at jason before leaving them to it. jason cusses under his breath before she drags her hand down his chest.
“woah, you’re like really fit.” giggling as she traces her hands down his pecks.
laughing uncomfortably, he takes her hands gently off his chest. “uh, thanks. did you come here with your friends?”
she hums and leans closer to him, the heady scent of alcohol on her breath as she gets closer. “they don’t mind though. do you mind?”
he looks over her shoulder to see hal with his hands around your waist, speaking in your ear too intimately for his comfort. he tenses at the action but watches as you do the same, your hand at your side clenching and your nails digging into your palms. watching as you bite your lip, not in the way he loved when you wanted him to touch you, but as though you were uncomfortable.
jason turns his attention back to her as she loops her fingers through his belt loops and quickly grabs her hands.
“woah, woah.” still uncomfortably laughing as he presses her hands to her stomach trying hard to keep her away. then he lets her go. “easy.”
“what?” she giggles, running her hands up his back and through his hair. “you got a girlfriend or something?”
immediately he nods, “yeah actually i’m supposed to go meet her so.” he backs up and takes her hands off him once again.
jason looks left and right and spots roy watching from afar. a stupid grin on his face as he waves at jason. giving him an annoyed look, jason gestures him closer and he reluctantly comes. feet slow as he approaches like jason’s an animal that could pounce on him at any moment.
“hey you two,” he points. “you guys alright?”
jason’s scoffs, “yeah asshole. can you make sure she gets to her friends? i don’t think she should be alone this off drunk.”
the girl scoffs too, “i’m perfectly fine actually.”
he shoots her a look before looking back to roy. the girl waves him off annoyed and moves behind roy to text on her phone. though roy puts his hand over his shoulder and sighs.
“look man, i was just trying to help. i mean she’s moved on, i feel like you should too. get laid and get over her y’know?” gripping his shoulder tight with one hand.
“no,” jason shakes his head. “i’m perfectly fine how i am, thanks.”
“i don’t know dude. i feel like all this yearning isn’t healthy.” roy shrugs and sips his beer.
jason pulls his arm off of him and sideeyes roy like he’s personally offended him. “hal said they kissed, sure, but i don’t think she really likes him like that.”
“really?” roy says with a grimace on his face, pointing ahead as he stares. “are you sure about that?”
“what do you mean?”
heart pounding in his chest as he follows roy’s gaze to where you stood. reality felt like it had sped through fast and time was slipping from between his fingers. the music faded like a dramatic movie as he watched hal, kissing you.
his lips parted as he watched, mouth gape and his hands balled into fists.
his filthy hands touched your chin and pulled you closer while the other rested on your waist. he watched as he deepened the kiss and leaned closer into you, back arching slightly as your hand unclenched and opened in the air.
taking the beer from roy’s hand, jason abruptly turns. “you have my car keys no?” he suddenly asks.
roy stammers, pulling the keys from his pocket, “yeah but, are you okay? considering what you just saw—”
jason grabs the keys and walks away quickly. making his way through the crowd and out to the garage, shutting the door behind him shut.
it was clear to him now—you were happier without him around.
—
only the loud bass and the thumping in your chest could be heard from between you. parting from hal, your hand immediately went up to your mouth. cupping your lips and wiping them unintentionally as you blinked up at him.
“what was that for?” huffing as you stared at him.
“what? i thought you wanted him to know you’re okay without him too.” he furrows his brows.
horrified, you turn around to where jason stood and find him nowhere to be seen. you flicker your gaze over the crowd, over the people, over the dancing bodies and the smoke filled air—but nothing. jason wasn’t here anymore.
he was leaving again.
you push slightly as hal’s chest. “i know you mean well but, i didn’t want him to think—”
“shit,” hal interrupts, his hand at the back of his own neck rubbing soothingly. “i just assumed. fuck, i’m really sorry, i thought… i should’ve asked.”
you were sure you had tears in your eyes now. the thought of jason having to see you with someone else made you feel like your blood had frozen over.
you stammer as you back away from him. “i have to find him.”
in recognition, he nods. “yeah, of course. i can explain it to him if anything.”
but you’ve already run from the living room, storming through the crowd like a madwoman. pushing past the drunk people in the hallway and storming up the stairs to his room.
you put the door open and jason isn’t there. just as fast as you went up, you ran back down, heart thumping in your ears as you caught a glimpse of roy sitting on the couch with the same girl as earlier in his lap. you stride right over to them.
“roy,” you gasp. “where’s jason?”
immediately he sees the raw emotion on your face. the way the colour seemed to drain from it and how you seemed like you were about to throw up from the looks of it. his expression shifts from the flirty front he puts on into the friendly, caring one he only recently exposed to you.
he nods slowly. “he took his car keys from me and left. he didn’t say where though i’m sorry.”
the girl in his lap tilts her head at you, clearing sizing you up. “isn’t that the grump tall guy? girl don’t even bother, he said he’s got a girlfriend.”
the pang in your chest only tightens as you realized he didn’t even kiss this girl. he told her he had a girlfriend and you knew there was no one else. he was talking about you. and now he’s seen you seemingly making out with hal in his brothers frat and everything fell into place. like pieces of a puzzle that was horribly mixed up.
roy snaps you out of it when he speaks up.
“i parked in the garage if that helps.” his lips in a small frown like he were sorry.
you nod as you back away and head straight for the garage door. feeling tears welling in your eyes and a pit in your stomach as you inch closer.
what if he left already?
what if he’s come to the conclusion that this was all too hard to deal with and he was better off just finding someone new when he got one of those grad schools across the country?
part of you felt guilty now for ever even trying with hal when you don’t feel the spark you desperately craved from one person. but you kept telling yourself you should try. that jason was ignoring you because he had already decided for the both of you.
by the time you get to the door and push it open, you feel entirely sober by his car still there.
you sigh in relief as you get to the passenger seat and yank it open. sitting in the chair quickly and shutting the door behind you just to find jason sitting there gripping the steering wheel like it was the only thing grounding him right now.
your name on his tongue was sweeter than it should’ve been on these circumstances.
“what’re you doing here?” he sighs. “should you be in there?”
steadying yourself you purse your lips and bite your tongue. jason furrows his brows and tilts his head at you.
“hey,” making you turn to him still unable to entirely meet your gaze. “are you okay?”
you nod as your lip trembles. how do you tell him that you’re madly in love with him and even with a new, perfect guy, all you can imagine is jason.
his demeanor shifts at your inability to respond.
“did he,” jason starts. “did hal fucking hurt you?”
“no, jason.” picking at your nails and sighing. “he didn’t do anything wrong.”
then, slowly, he nods as if in realization. face slipping back to the same blank compliance as before. “right. he’s your boyfriend, sorry.”
“he’s not my boyfriend jason.” you snap. “god, you ignore me all week and then you make think you’re making out with some random girl.”
projecting like you weren’t the one kissing someone else. though that’s besides the point.
“hey, i wasn’t kissing anyone.” flickering his eyes over your face, taking in the way your skin paled. “i swear, i didn’t.”
“why not?” unable to hide the way your voice broke. “i mean i hurt you. i wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to write me off.”
that makes him scoff more harshly than he intended. “why would i do that when i have…” stopping himself. “when i don’t want them?”
his response only makes you feel worse though the way he was holding himself back from admitting the truth, it only makes you want it more.
“why not?” the words come out small.
jason furrows his brows. “why?”
“yeah,” you look at him, tears still glazing over your eyes. “why not?”
“because,” he stammers. “there’s no timeline on moving on. you can do whatever you want so i can also take my time no?”
“please, you’ve been avoiding me like a sickness and staring at hal like he kicked your dog.”
clenching his jaw, jason sighs heavily. “that’s not true.”
“isn’t it?” scoffing as you watch the side of his face. “you hate me and him and it’s my fault.”
groaning out your name like it hurt to say, “i don’t hate you. i could never hate you.”
“then why are you ignoring me?” you ask, interrupting him before he can do it to you. “and why aren’t you coming to class? or ever here when come to see grayson or hal—”
but that clearly pushed a button and jason snaps.
“because i can’t fucking stand him!” he raises his voice.
the sound taking you aback and a small scoff escapes past your lips as you watch him breathe heavier. nodding your head, you turn completely towards him in your seat and tuck a foot under your knee just to look directly at his face.
“you could stand him perfectly fine a couple weeks ago when he wasn’t going out with me.” crossing your arms as you stare at him.
his head shakes as he grips the steering wheel tightly. “it’s not that simple and you know it.”
“oh please, enlighten me then jason.” you press on, entirely over this situation and needing him just as badly as you wanted to hate him.
“you—” he starts and stops again.
you’re watching him as he shuts his eyes and lets out a deep exhale. suddenly he looks up to your side and trails his gaze over your face, lifting his fingers towards you like he’s twitching just to touch you.
in his eyes, you find the same adoration you’ve always loved, but now it’s accompanied by a bitter taste. he presses on.
“when i see you with him, i feel like i’m suffocating. like the air around me has been sucked away and i can’t do anything about it cause i did it to myself.”
parting your lips as you watch him confess what he’s hidden for weeks, you listen. brows upturning as he shakily breaths out your name.
“it’s selfish, i know. you’re your own person and i ruined us with all the lies. so you’re more than allowed to date other people. i just can’t… i—i can’t be around it. i won’t.” gulping as he looks at your hands in your lap now, wanting badly to hold them in his. “i know there’s too much baggage between us and i i hurt you but part of me thought we’d figure it out?”
his tone upturned at the end as though he’d contemplated within himself before voicing it.
“—is that why you’re leaving?” interrupting his thoughts and barely concealing the emotions that threatened to spill over. “because of me?”
something in his eyes seem to soften then, flickering and fanning out like all hope had dissipated.
his voice is quiet and unsure as he rasps. “what?”
“you don’t have to lie jason and you sure as shit don’t have to avoid me like the plague. i just wanted to feel wanted like a person and not a fucking prize.” slow tears slipping down your warm cheeks. “you never told me you were going to leave me though.”
taking a large gulp, he shakes his head. “i was never going to leave you.”
but you’re shaking your head. “i know you applied to grad schools across the country and i know you got it. i just can’t understand why you hid that part from me.”
furrowing his brows like he’s trying to understand where you got to that conclusion, he looks deep in thought. then recognition flickers behind his eyes and he leans closer, clasping your hands in his. staring into your eyes like he were sorry. you sniffle as he takes your hands and try not to sob at how royally you’d felt like you’d fucked this up.
“bruce told you at gordon’s event didn’t he? fuck, i wanted to be the one to do it.” he searches your face when you look down into your lap. though jason follows your head and tilts his. “i’m sorry. i said no more lies and i hid this.”
he leans even closer, enough to smell your perfume and the slight intoxicating scent of lingering weed illuminating between you. jason sighs and holds back his own emotions. “i feel like i’m always apologizing to you like an idiot.”
between quiet sniffles you find yourself leaning closer to him, searching unconsciously for comfort. you lean your head onto his shoulder.
“you’re not an idiot. i just can’t stand to lose you jay.” the quiet admission slips.
immediately he cradles your head there, leaning his own head on top of yours and gently touching your cheek. he whispers a small shaky noise that sounded to your name before he takes a shallow breath.
“you’re allowed to be happy. if he’s making you happy then i want that for you.”
you pull away to look at him, the motion evident all over your face now that he could see it again.
“damn it jason, i’m not fucking happy! i didn’t move on,” elevating your voice like you were speaking to yourself more than him. probably still more intoxicated than you felt. “i don’t love hal. i don’t, love anyone else but—” you cut yourself off.
the car suddenly feels a lot smaller. the doors seemingly doing nothing to make you feel closer to jason despite how close you say next to another. the silence stretched for what felt like minutes but was only seconds.
but jason, his eyes were glued to yours.
“you love someone else?” voice small as he carefully watches you. waiting patiently for you to fill in blanks he desperately wanted to be right about.
slowly, you nod as a tear slips down your face. “you jason. it’s you.”
his hands touch your face delicately. thumb grazing over the warm tear as he held you close. from how close you say now, you could see the tears welling in his eyes and the relief that flooded as he switched between your eyes.
“you love me?” breathlessly, he said.
unable to say anything through your broken tears, a sob breaks out as you nod. jason presses his forehead to yours and whispers your name, over and over like he’s counting his blessings.
“please,” he rasps, “please say it. i want to hear it ma, please.”
between sobs, you melt against him. tearing wetting your lashes and his skin.
“i love you jason todd. i love you so much that it’s causing me physical pain.” laughing a little at the end as he joins you.
“yeah baby? well, the feeling is mutual and i love you more than i’ve ever loved anything or anyone.” gazing into your eyes like it held the key to all of his prayers.
pulling you closer like there wasn’t a dashboard between you. all resolve crumbs as you climb over it and into his lap, straddling him tight. his hand grazes over you hair and pushes it back as he makes you face him, wiping the tear streaks from your skin. he shushes you as you sniffle.
“don’t cry baby, i’m not leaving. i’m never leaving you again. you hear me?” kissing your cheeks as you pull at his shirt. “i didn’t pick a school yet. i haven’t chosen one because i can’t breathe if you’re not close.”
you hum as you pull at his shirt again, tugging him closer and letting him lean you against the steering wheel. pulling his hair back to watch his handsome face smile up at you. your eyes flicker to his lips and he smiles brightly as he drops his hands to your thighs, kneading the plush there.
“you want something princess?” teasing despite the circumstances.
you can’t help but laugh and roll your eyes. “just kiss me already jason.”
“for you? anything.”
then he’s on you, pressing his perfect lips to yours. it feels like your floating over yourself as he deepens it, holding you tight against him as shops his tongue down your throat. you him into his mouth, moaning lowly as you hips mindlessly shift against him. jason groans and bucks his hips slightly, biting your lip to make the sweet sound slip past your lips and to his ears.
“baby,” he rasps against your mouth.
though you don’t part, instead you tug at his shirt and pull up the hem. jason gets the message immediately, letting you pull it up enough for him to take it off all the way. his shirt is off when you trail your fingers down his abs, touching the hard muscle that you missed like a pillow. you graze your fingers up and down while you kiss down his jaw, eliciting a gorgeous moan from him that felt like music to your ears.
fumbling with your skirt while you undid his belt, you could feel how hard he was beneath you.
“are you sure?” breathlessly he says while you nip up by his ear.
nodding, you moan against his skin, biting the love and kneading it with your teeth.
“yeah jay.” you rasp. “i need you.”
it’s enough to spur him further, hiking up your skirt as you push his jeans down with his boxers. you feel his hard length against your bare inner thigh, painfully hard and leaking in your need.
he’s moving to pull your panties down when you stop him, taking his hand and guiding him to push them to the side instead. urgency in your movements as you watch the realization in his eyes. jason only smiles as you guide his length to press against you. the message is clear as he nods and kisses you again, pecking your lips in little movements as though savouring you.
then you’re pressing down against him, mouth parting as you take him. seating yourself down as he holds you, guiding your hips when you try to take him at once. jason stops you before you try to let him all the way in. he sighs like he’s straining himself.
“breathe baby,” gulping as sweat wicks his forehead. “no rush. breathe. it’s all yours yeah? i’m all yours.”
you nod as you lean forward again, capturing his lips and lapping at him. he tightens his hold on you as you tilt your head, pressing him further into his seat as you begin to shift your hips. sinking further down against him, jason guides you there.
he doesn’t thrust up into you when you take him completely. instead, he parts from your lips, letting you breathe with a line of spit between you from how desperately you both needed eachother. jason groans lowly as you continue to shift your hips, dropping his head against the seat as praises escape from your lips.
“so good jay,” whining as you bounce against him. “you’re so perfect baby.”
jason returns the whine and bites his lip. this only excites you further, knowing how it pushes his buttons and turns him on. you know your man. grinding against him harder, you moan as he kneads your ass in his palms. little moans and words of affirmation as the signs of him losing himself made you want it more.
“i love you,” he moans helplessly, saying your name over and over. “god, i love you so much.”
“i love you too baby.” you whisper against his lips. “you’re so good. fuck, you’re so big.”
he makes another whimpering sound, his hips stuttering against yours as your movements only grew wilder.
“shit baby, don’t say that. i’m gonna lose it.” groaning as he throws his head back again, entirely lost in the feeling of you.
the peak was creeping over on you too. you could feel yourself there, sensitive enough to let go, but not enough to get him there first. hips moving in tandem with yours as he bucked up into you.
“good,” you sighed dreamily, smiling down at jason who’s just barely keeping it together. “i want you to let go.”
“oh fuck,” he moans.
he bites his lip so hard you think he’s gonna make it bleed. fingers digging into your thighs like an anchor. another whimpering sound that grew into a moan as he dropped his head to your chest. lazily grinding against you as he held you tight against him.
“please jay,” knowing exactly what you were doing. voice breathy and seductive. “i wanna feel it inside me.”
the response is immediately as he sputter and loses all semblance of himself. his hips buck up, once, twice, and he hold it deep inside you. letting go and painting you inside as he made swallow thrusts.
the feeling crashes over you too as soon as you feel it, crying out as he held you through it, guiding your hips still. he makes sure to rock you through your peak, lazily grinding as you gasped for air.
coming down while he kept you close, collapsed against his chest. melting into him while he caught his breath. jason sucks in a sharp breath and sighs. his spent leaking onto his lap and he didn’t care.
“i meant it.” he admits while you’re still reeling.
you hum quietly to tell him to continue.
“that i love you. that i’m never leaving you.” already kissing your dampened hair as he remained seated inside you.
“i meant it too,” you croaked, entirely spent. “i love you jason todd.”
the smile on his face could be felt through your hair, and he laughed as he tightened his hold around you. almost crushing but you couldn’t care less if you tried.
“so,” his voice still sounded unsure like he was gauging your opinion and didn’t want to overstep. “does this mean i can call you my girlfriend now?”
putting a hand to his chest to lift yourself, you look him in the eyes. squinting as you smack his chest lightly.
“i’ll kill you if you don’t.”
a slow smile creeps over his handsome face. the expression only makes you want to jump his bones again like he wasn’t hardening inside of you all over again. jason cups your cheek and pulls you in for another sloppy, wet kiss. slipping his tongue past your lips and biting your lip as he parts.
“good. cause i’m gotham u offers a good criminology masters program and i’m thinking of accepting it.” pressing his lips to your nose and to your forehead as you giggle.
then his word click and you gasp. “gotham u?”
he nods dreamily with his eyes half lidded, watching you. “well if my girlfriend is still going there then—”
“yes!” you shove him further into his seat, taking the turn to kiss all over his face. “a million times yes. don’t you dare,” speaking between kisses, “change your mind.”
he pinches your side so you stop and leans his forehead against yours again. either hand on the sea of your face like he was trying to memorize how you felt and brand it to his skin. jason stared lovingly into your eyes and you felt it, deeply.
for the first time in months, you felt love unconditionally and unapologetically reciprocated.
“i wouldn’t dream of it princess.” eyes twinkling as he stared at you.
looking into his eyes, the future didn’t feel so scary anymore.
i’d like to apologize for how long you had to wait for this. i am currently battered and bruised but i feel super accomplished now that this is done too. nerdystoner!jason i love you!
“meant it” | nerdystoner!jason | university au | smut
summary: jason’s finding hard seeing you move on from him so his solution is to keep his distance. fortunately, he can’t even manage that.
tags + extras: college!au, angst, smoking, drinking, smut, reader is (was) a virgin. car sex. jealousy, frat houses mentioned, bsfs!brother, yes the reader has more than one bsf. plottwist. dick is in a frat because of course out of all the batboys it would be him. jason is not in a frat cause he wouldn’t join it, he’d think its stupid but would stick around for some parties for funsies.
a/n: the long awaited finale!! so so sorry, life got busy and the university experience was killing me as it is the characters in this au lmao. anyway, i hope this lives up to your expectations and doesn’t disappoint. unfortunately i couldn’t proofread cause i had my first amateur boxing match last night (and won yay) so i didn’t have time to proofread.
the funny thing about saying something out loud is that it solidifies itself by whoever heard it.
being caught off guard and saying something you’d never really considered before and it takes root in your life as your word is held against you. something about this whole situation reminded you of the fundamentals of primary school and the golden rules you were supposed to follow.
treat others the way you want to be treated.
think before you speak.
something must’ve gotten lost in translation because everything seems to be going to shit.
back inside of the house, jason is nowhere to be found.
you duck into his room, check grayson’s, and then ultimately decide to check back downstairs again. nothing. pulling out your phone to call jason when you run into grayson, walking right into him as you descend down the stairs.
“woah, slow down,” he holds your shoulders straight, “where are we going?”
waving your phone around vaguely, “i was looking for jason but i think he left?”
grayson nods, “yeah. he went on a liquor run with roy and wally.”
“huh,” nodding back, you hum, “liquor run.”
“yeah, it’s a pool party this time so guaranteed need a couple kegs and something strong for shots.” continuing while you walk with him to the now fixed window and shooing away barry and oliver who were standing way too close to comfort. “and whoever did this shit is gonna get their ass beat when i find them.”
“makes sense.” you barely reply, watching as people move around you but not really paying attention.
the last few days have been, eventful to say the least. then hal threw in that curveball that just caused another spiral of what you and jason even were. he apologized, yes, and of course you want jason. you’ll always want jason but you’ve spent so much time now on him, trying to get over him to no avail. weeks of your life distancing yourself only to get pulled back to him again.
saying yes to hal felt like more of an unconscious decision than you actually wanting to date him.
it’s probably mean but he threw you off when he suddenly asked you out and it almost felt like a sign. that you had options and that not being with jason wasn’t the end of the world even if it felt like it. maybe hal could give you some perspective.
it’s not like hal jordan is ugly by any means. you’ve seen him without a shirt and he’s insanely ripped, much like grayson is. he’s pretty too, the kind that would make anyone do a double take.
but in the back of yours mind you still knew.
he’s not jason.
“hey,” grayson suddenly says, “you keep zoning out on me.”
you turn to face him, “yeah, sorry.”
he shakes his head and points a finger at your forehead, “don’t apologize. what’s going on in that head of yours?”
with a heavy sigh and no patience left to lie, “i hooked up with jason again.”
grayson’s eyes widen, “oh, i didn’t need to know that—” he sighs, “uh, isn’t that a good thing?”
you nod slowly, “i think so.”
from behind the two of you, the party began to get bigger. glassing clinking and laughter ringing. roaring music as tim whispered something in connor’s ear and he clicked away on his phone. hal had already joined the crowd with his shirt crooked on his body and a hand clasped around a beer. the front door was opening and closing more than you could count and the bodies stacking inside were more than the previous ones you’d been to probably because it was the last one of the school year. but jason wasn’t back yet.
someone bumps into you from behind and touches your waist to steady you from falling.
“oops sorry. ‘m a clutz.” laughing as she lets go of your side to get a better look at you. “wait, i know you!”
she smiles bright, her hair dark and beautiful. her eyes had the prettiest sparkle to them. you blink at the girl in front of you and exchange a glance with grayson.
“are you in my program?” you ask.
grayson cuts in, “no, this is donna. you met her at the last party.”
you nod slowly as the gears turn you recognize her face from spin the bottle. “oh, hey. sorry.”
“you were dating jason right?” a clear slur in her voice that told you’d she’d been drinking for a while before getting here, “ugh i was talking to roy and he’s such a dog. both of them are honestly. i just can’t believe jason made that bet about you seriously. all my sisters are uber pissed and swore to keep away for at least another week.”
your stomach drops at her words and the creeping feeling of embarrassment takes form. though another form of jealousy crept too.
“you all heard?” you ask quietly.
donna nods immediately, “of course, everyone kinda did. but and of course roy is still up jade’s ass so whatever.”
she doesn’t notice how you’re demeanour shifts just barely. the creeping unease from everyone knowing your existence from a bet, no matter how much reassurance jason gave you. it was finally in front of you. you’d seen how you’re known to people you don’t really even know—as a joke.
twisting his head slightly, dick read how her words were hitting you before you’d even said anything yourself. he gestures to her hand quickly. “you’re drinking pink whitney?”
she shrugs and holds her cup up, “of course. don’t act like it’s not good.”
“never said that it’s just banned from this frat. too many bad memories.”
a distant shout makes grayson turn his attention that way again. when you turn too, you see conner with blood dripping down his neck and a face palming tim. the needle in conners hand is barely visible from where you were but you could see enough to know he was adjusting a new piece of metal in his lip, matching the other side.
he pierced himself and didn’t even seem fazed.
“for fucks sake,” grayson murmurs under his breath before putting hand up to both of you and storming over towards them.
“i told him not to do it,” tim sighs and shrugs while conner looks pleased with himself, already tonguing at the snake bite.
grayson grabs the towel and holds it to his lip himself, like the responsible guy he tries to be. “this is the last time you pierce yourself dude. just go to the fucking tattoo parlor across the street.”
beneath the paper towel, conner laughs but it comes out more muffled, “‘n pay sixty-five bucks? ya right.”
you’d probably been smiling at their interaction or just tuned out so much that donna tapped you again.
“do you want get a drink too? i’m basically out.”
glancing towards the front door once more, like it could bring jason back faster, you slowly nod. the two of you move towards the kitchen and donna starts talking about astrology and zodiac signs. she explains how her sign is compatible with most people but you don’t quite remember what her sign even was from how fast she talked. by the time she’s pouring you a drink in a solo cup and handing it to you, she starts talking about roy again.
“—he’s a dick. a real piece of work but when we’re alone he’s sweet. i don’t get it.” she sighs before gesturing towards you vaguely at how zoned out you were again, “but i’m sure jason is similar right? they are bestfriends.”
though you answer immediately, your blood warm from the alcohol already, “no. he’s actually really sweet in every situation. just kindhearted like it’s in his blood, i don’t know, it’s kind of infuriating.”
she nods along, “he keeps to himself yeah. just a real ass for making that bet over you babe. i’m sorry about that.”
grimacing softly, you sigh, “why’re you sorry? it’s not like you did it.”
“i mean, it just doesn’t make sense.” donna dramatically groans, “he’s in love with you! why’d do men do terrible things to the women they love?”
you down the rest of your cup and immediately regret it with a groan of disgust before shrugging, “it’s not love. it’s like a race of endurance. who can take more hardship from someone whose supposed to make their life easier.”
she laughs with her pretty teeth out, bumping shoulders with you, “you sound like you’ve had a lot of shitty boyfriends.”
“one was enough,” you genuinely laugh too before it simmers into something deeper, “and he’s not shitty and that’s the problem.”
she frowns, “oh babe, i know exactly what you mean.”
the front door continues to open and close, inviting new people in and letting others out. between the shuffling, the two of you slide onto the counter, legs crossed towards the other. that’s when a thought occurs to you again and it demands to be discovered. you gulp before you speak.
“um… did you really mean what you said earlier? that everyone heard what roy said?”
donna’s frown deepens before she nods, “the people around us and other sorority did.”
“who cares though? after you graduate, you’ll never gonna see these losers again.”
she jumps off the counter, “let’s go, show ‘em how hot you are.”
sipping your drink, you glancing towards the party through the doorway. you blink at her than down at your clothes that wasn’t meant for a party.
“nah i’m good in here.” lying right through your teeth like you were any form of good right now.
she rolls her eyes and drags you anyways, back towards the loud music. as soon as you’re back you see shots being poured by roy and wally. the two of them arguing over who had better taste in music while you walked over with donna. when you look to donna to tell her to ignore roy, she’s already got hearts in her eyes and you sigh softly to yourself.
“—all you listen to is fucking faye webster,” roy sighs, “i bet you listen to taylor swift too.”
wally gasps like he’s offended, “okay that’s where i draw the line.”
when roy opens his mouth again, conner drapes his arms around both of their shoulders, “both of you have shit taste, how’s that?”
as soon as roy squints at tim over conners shoulder. though tim only smiled tightly and tilts his head towards where you stood with donna. he catches donnas eye and he shoots her a stupid smile. the kind you recognize from him as the one he makes to women he wants to sleep with. you step slightly in front of her like a protective boyfriend or something even though you’d just met her. cause you know what roy is like and in the little time you’d known donna, you know how he makes her feel with so little words.
“have you seen jason?” you say with a tilt of your head.
roy shrugs, “he’s probably still being the keg inside.”
you frown, “you let him bring a whole keg in alone?”
“have you seen the man?” asking with genuine confusion towards you, “he’s fucking ripped.”
as if you even have to think about it, you nod and turn to go find him. donna’s already making her way towards roy before you can tell her anything. so you continue your way towards the garage.
music slowly getting quieter as you walk down the hall and into the laundry room. ignoring the people making out on top of the washer and dryer as you open the garage door and find it still open. and jason’s mustang still on. but he was nowhere to be found there. you circle the car and turn the corner to no avail still. jason wasn’t there. you turn towards the front door and still don’t find him. with an exasperated groan, you stomp towards the backyard door to try again at finding him because there’s no way he just left his car on right?
“you looking for something?” a husky voice calls out.
before you’d even touched the backward door, you spin on your heel to find jason there. blunt burning between his fingers as he leaned against his car.
“yeah actually.” as you approach him, “you.”
his face stays the same as he takes another drag. eyes not lifting from you and the same stoic look on them.
“so, you found me.” he says as he blows the smoke out. the grey clouding around him and the sour smell of marijuana radiating off of him. heady in the way that distracts you.
you nod like it means something and lean next to him. “you always seem to smoke in the same spot so if you were trying to hide, should try harder.”
jason sighs and stretches his shoulders, “i guess i’m getting predictable.”
the moment pauses as you try to decipher the meaning in his words. “i didn’t say it was a bad thing.”
his eyes meet yours as he pushes off the wall. “neither did i.”
making quick work to ash out his barely lit joint, he flicks it away as he pivots and moves to go back inside without even a glance towards your direction. something in your stomach twists. you frown to yourself before deciding to ask him.
“did i do something wrong?”
jason turns his head just enough to look at you. his hand still on the door as he pulls it open. the smile that he gives you barely reaches his eyes as that same exhaustion you’d seen earlier had returned.
“nah ma, you didn’t do anything.”
then the door follows behind him, leaving you in the cold air to think to yourself. just long enough to decide that you should go home and give the both of you some space.
space you knew would eat away at your sanity.
luckily, you’re not much of a drinker so waking up early wasn’t hard to do after last night.
getting to gordon’s presentation on his new paper was easier than your morning practicals, at least today. naturally as his assistant and amateur researcher, you’d been invited to attend the gala thrown by the sponsors.
by the time you arrived, the guests were set up and the audience was packed. gordon’s standing by the bar with some of the law professors, holding a darkened drink that was definitely bitter and pretentious. a select few men with their hair slicked back had gathered around where gordon stood. conversing and laughing in a pitch that exhibited more wealth than you’d ever known.
your heels were already killing you as you walked off the subway since they had to host this on the upper east side of town. you tug at your neatly arranged dress and step forward to mingle like you were supposed to. forced to talk to the people that funded gordon’s PhD and his years of research that every other person had found ridiculous.
the sound of your name being called made you turn towards it.
“when’d you get here sweetheart?” gordon smiled as he gestured you towards the rest of them.
he was always such a strong and respected figure that you saw him like a parent. since your first year, you’d taken classes with him and his years of extensive police work had drawn you in. gordon might’ve pushed you really hard like he wanted you to do well because he really did. in the back of his mind he knew you were brilliant and wanted to nourish it before you finally graduated.
that’s why you had a full year of research assistance under your belt thanks to him.
the men around him parted for you and you exchanged a gentle hello. “i just got here actually.”
he nods, “good. great timing. i’d like you to meet some people!” gesturing towards the people in crisp suits with swirling glasses. “this is clifford devoe.”
the name rang bells immediately from how poorly gordan talked about him in private to you. gordans eyes looked to you then to the man again, silently saying a thousand words. you fill in the blanks for him and offer your hand to clifford when he raises his to take yours.
“you must be the generous one the university appointed. it’s so nice to finally meet you.”
with your hand gently taken into his hand, the feeling of unease that radiated off of him was unmistakable. you hide the grimace that he caused when he repeats your name to you.
“hm, yes.” still holding your hand a moment too long. dragging his eyes over you before letting you pull away. “i’ve seen what you’d contributed to the study on adolescent rehabilitation and prison reform. truly sickening that we still debate the human nature of criminals.”
you’re sure you’re failing terribly at hiding your distaste now. “don’t you think it’s a little silly to attribute it all to human nature?”
from beside you gordan seems to purse his lips. though clifford scoffs and smiles small, “of course a young woman such as yourself would think so as if that’s some revolutionary thought.” laughing through his words.
the condescension was clear from his rude mouth. you could taste the bitterness he spewed.
you hum, “why of course a man such as yourself would believe no one is redeemable but himself.”
from beside him, the black haired man in the suit catches your eye briefly before chuckling into his glass. narrowing your eyes at the shape of his eyebrows because they were just so familiar, the thick arches that mimicked wings. it reminded you of jason and his thick set brows that were studiously perfect without having touched them.
gordon clears his throat and nudges you softly before saying your name to change the subject.
“have you seen the completed poster with all the statistics? it looks really great, let me show you.”
before you can say anything else, he’s already been walking away, turning his head to look at you just to ensure you’re following him. with a polite and contrasting goodbye, you take your leave. feeling proud of yourself as
when you get to the poster, gordon’s standing there squinting like he’s got something bad to say. but he just shakes his head and points to the men you’d left at the bar, still conversing like no tension had ever raised.
“he pays for the damn project sweetheart, we can’t insult him no matter how much of an ass he may be.”
you shrug and sigh before mumbling. “at least not to his face right?”
despite the situation, gordan laughs. “yeah, at least not to his face.” patting your back and turning the both of you towards the poster. “now, did i tell you that they approved you as a peer-reviewed scholar once you’ve graduated?”
looking towards the statistics scattered across the large poster, you saw all the datasets you’d condensed. all the graphs and charts that you’d made and the spreadsheets that made you feel like you were losing brain cells. you didn’t think you’d get being a contributor to research paper on your record too. just being an assistant was enough. with a tilt of your head at the meticulous pie chart you made so long ago you forgot about, you hum.
“but i’m not gonna be here so how could i contribute anything anyway?”
he shakes your shoulder gently, the way the father would when he’s proud but doesn’t wanna say it with words aloud. “it won’t publish until october.”
that stopped your mind from thinking about anything else but what just came out of his mouth.
eyes widening as you turn to him. “wait, really?”
this would set you apart from other applicants in your graduate program and give you a better chance at getting into it.
he smiles with crinkles around his eyes and nods because you’d only been talking about this since you started. also because someone had already mentioned your interest to him.
“do i get any credit for that part of it?” a voice from behind you sound a d you turn to face it.
but you didn’t expect for it to be bruce wayne.
you blink at your friends dad that you’d only seen a handful of times before. now you recall how he was sat at the bar earlier, just his eyes visible and the realization of how they looked having distracted you enough. still you smile and lean forward to take his hand when he offers it.
“mr. wayne, it’s so nice to see you. i didn’t think you’d be here.”
his hand was firm and certain. righteous in a way that he radiated the energy even when you would just briefly see him.
“gordon invited me along with a couple business partners. it’s good to see you again. what’s it been? 2 years?” bruce gives a small smile while he places his drink on the table next to you. looking to gordon, bruce switches his gaze between him and the poster, “i’ve been thinking, you could go back as commissioner and implement these ideas yourself gordon.”
a snort escapes gordon as he shakes his head, “no way, and leave my cushiony tenure position?” laughing as he gestures to the poster. “you see the bridge in socioeconomic status and educational attainment? those positions don’t require degrees. they just need intelligence and compassion that comes naturally. you got a knack for those bruce.”
the two of them share a knowing glance before someone approaches gordon to ask about something with his focus group, taking away his attention. he excuses himself before he leaves you there with bruce. for a moment, it’s quiet while bruce watches the party, taking slow sips of his bourbon.
you watch with him, noticing how the people in this party were mostly the types who didn’t need to worry about these things. about the ones that are unfairly prosecuted or treated as villainous for trying to survive. no one in this room held that title the way you’d seen women and men alike being pressed. surveillance was created by them for them, to protect them.
that’s what made you want to get involved in gordon’s study. a chance to use theory and practice in a way that actually mattered.
“you think very loudly.” bruce suddenly says.
your head turns to his, still looking out at the people conversing and moving about. she’s trained over nothing and everything at once.
“my bad,” you laugh nervously.
he only shoots you another smile, “don’t be. your mind is brilliant and meant to think. don’t burn yourself out doing it too much. it’s a habit i’ve yet to get my sons to figure out too.”
sons. right.
nodding your head, you change the subject. “you know gordon pretty well?”
he nods too. “knew him back when he was still an officer. the man is a saint personified.”
distracted from the topic at hand, you try to stay focused, nodding along and silently staring at where bruce’s eyes were trained. though bruce is incredibly attentive, and he immediately notices how you’d been looking. fixing his watch that didn’t need any adjusting as he speaks.
“dick tells me jason misses you.”
nearly choking on your spit, you look to bruce again, forgetting to not look so surprised. “what?”
behind his professionalism, something turns warmer. “he’s taking academics more seriously. i’ve always told him he’s got the smarts when he puts his mind to it but i’m sure you’ve seen how shrugs it off.”
not knowing what to say, you nod him along.
“…he even applied for a couple graduate programs thanks to you and got into them all across the country.” lifting his glass and sipping.
“i didn’t know he applied.” you admit.
“it’s force of habit i guess,” he shrugs. “he didn’t even tell me when he got into gotham university. just started attending classes and brushed it off like it was no big deal which i assure you, it is.”
frowning at his fathers admission, “that’s kinda sad. he’s probably the smartest person i know.”
suddenly bruce smiles at you, his grin something more of fond remembrance. he adjusts his suit and sniffs just audible enough for you to notice. then his smile falls as he meets the eye of someone across from the room and they wave to one another.
“if you see my son, please let him know for me that his bike has been replaced. and that i need him to answer the phone when i call him.” touching your wrist softly and bidding you goodbye.
with nothing to say or actualize the fact with, you’d turned your attention back to the poster. the words swirling themselves until you’d forgotten what the last year collecting was about.
suddenly you’re glad there’s noone around to ask you about it, cause you’re not sure you’d know.
“dude just back that shit up on me.” grayson coos.
from in front of him, wally groans. “no dude, it’s not gonna fit in there anyways. just ask someone else to.”
“i’ll make it fit just shut up and do it.”
on the couch a phone rings. both of the boys ignore it and instead continuing muttering at the other. taking turns groaning as wally pushes the desk, hal shakes his head from the other side of the room.
“you guys know you could do this literally anywhere else.”
“and you could help, you know?” grayson sighs as he drops the horribly built ikea desk wally built. looking hal up and down, dick furrows his brow. “why are you even dressed like that?”
brushing off his shirt with absolutely no lint on it, hal smooths out the folds in his button up. grinning from ear to ear like a kid who’d won a prize. “I have a date.”
the boys all turn to look at him.
“oh,” wally lets the desk back on the ground, ignoring how grayson groans when it hits his foot. “a hot date huh? she got a friend?”
like perfectly horrible timing, jason’s walking into the living room. to grab his phone he’d forgotten that had unknowingly been ringing and buzzing. his eyes fall on hal on the chair immediately, trailing up his form with sharp eyes. dick clears his throat at the sight.
“your phones been ringing.” he simply says.
“yeah, i heard.” jason murmurs as he clears past hal wordlessly and heads straight to the kitchen as though he wanted nothing to do with him.
as though his very being annoyed him enough that he couldn’t spare him a glance right now. the sudden presence and departure of jason had thrown the energy of the room off for a moment, not because of him but how far hals discomfort radiated. wally takes a long look between grayson and hal before nodding towards where jason had disappeared behind the wall of.
“what’s his problem?” he sits next to hal on the couch, legs going up lazily on the coffee table.
hal opened his mouth to fill in the blanks, but grayson chimes in first, his eyes trained pointedly on hal as he answers wally. “his girl left him for some douchebag in a frat.”
awkwardly the air fills as wally nods. “right…”
“i’m gonna uh—” hal stands and leaves his cup on the table. “head out now. i’m picking her up and all.”
perched on the ikea desk, grayson nods with an expression that looks disapproving. “i expect you back around midnight cinderella. no hooking up on your first date.”
wally snorts, “hasn’t stopped him before.”
“shut up west.” effectively cutting through the tension again and reminding him who he was speaking about. “i’m serious, i’m putting the latch on after.”
the other two stay silent. hal nodding knowingly before grabbing his key and leaving them with a quiet goodbye. wally furrows his brows only minutes later as he contemplates. while the room drifts back into a silence and grayson leaves to check the kitchen only to find it empty, wally itches his chin.
“gray?” mumbling vaguely.
he hums in acknowledgment as he types away on his phone.
“is the girl he’s going out with jason’s girl?”
that gets him to look up from his phone and bring his hand out. hovering over wally’s forehead before flicking him with a sharp seething sound from his lips. grayson huffs.
“no shit sherlock. now stop straining yourself and get off your ass, get move this desk out of my living room.”
this entire situation was so fucked.
the night had hardly started and hal already fucked up in ways you knew jason would never. when he messaged you about confirming the date, he wouldn’t say where it would be. so instead, you opted to ask what to wear.
big. fucking. mistake.
never ask a man what to where to any occasion because they will give you false, misleading information and clearly hal jordan was no exception.
he told you to dress casual, something everyday, he said. thankfully you chose to wear a simple black dress otherwise you’d be entirely underdressed for this fancy restaurant he took you to. now he’s sitting across from you, flipping through the menu gracefully like he’s a food connoisseur. occasionally humming as he reads out the name of the dish to you.
“would you like the house caviar? it’s genuinely the best thing you’ll find in the tri-state area.” eyes twinkling beautifully under the romantic ambience lighting.
if it were any other period of your life, you might really, truly like him. the way he took charge and pushed to ask you out was hot. he found a way to wiggle into your life and he took what he wanted. hal was good looking, smart, and he had a good head on his shoulders. but somehow you found yourself looking into his eyes like they were interesting. found yourself staring at the orange illuminating his skin like it were the most familiar thing, and watching the flames flicker in his eyes.
staring at the flames that reminded you of him.
the warmth grew on your skin as his face morphed everytime you blinked and the love ached. your heart ached at the thought of him.
he touches your hand, “you okay?”
“huh?” you shut your eyes and look back at him quickly, shaking the distraction off. “sorry i missed what you asked.”
his thumb strokes the back of your hand soothingly. the action grounds you from the thoughts the swirled. “if you’d like caviar to try. the mussels are insane here too.”
shooting him a reassuring smile, you shake your head. “oh um, sure. whatever you’d like.”
“but would you like it?” he counters.
“probably not.” you answer honestly. “sorry.”
he smiles, “don’t apologize. it’s good to know though, next time i’ll take you somewhere not fish related.”
vaguely you nod and try to smile though you’re sure it comes out insincere. hal only frowns and squeezes your hand like he’d known you’d needed some reassurance to guide your thoughts.
“hey we can still go home.” suddenly he says. “i mean i don’t want to, shit i don’t care if jason mopes around and cries himself to sleep. i know what i want and that’s you.”
you blink slowly, letting his declaration find footing in your mind. technically he was right. you had these second thoughts because you weren’t even sure of this date would go ahead or if hal really did like you. it’s almost like he reads your mind when he tilts his head to look harder at you.
“—he doesn’t decide if we like eachother. i’d be damned if i let him get in the way of me and pretty girl just cause he fumbled her.”
the waiter comes by before you can speak through your parted lips and offers more wine. hal smiles and nods at the waiter, his warm hand still holding yours. it only occurred then that you were the one making this awkward, not him. the waiter pours your drinks and hal lifts his with his free hand, gesturing you to do the same. clinking the glasses, he swirls the cup and sips, his eyes trained on yours as you mirror him.
setting his drink back down and letting you take your hand back, hal orders for the both of you. part of you wasn’t sure how to feel, him taking that initiative to place an order of what you’d like to eat but also partially annoyed that he’d assumed what you’d like. or maybe he just did what he pleased. regardless, you were kind of glad he’d said something to the waiter cause the names of the dishes on this menu was absolutely insane. continually you look around the space, taking in the gorgeous lighting and the artwork that definitely costs thousands to maintain here. he watches your face while you stare at the tapestry behind him.
“do you like art then?”
you nod your head, still looking at the painting behind him. “i can appreciate it for sure.”
his eyes don’t falter, still staring at you while you’re looking around. “so can i.”
when you look to him, he’s got his head in one of his hands, smiling fainting with those dimples just deep enough to notice. he blinks at you, still giddy. “don’t mind me. i’m taking it in.”
you raise a brow at him. “taking in me or this place?”
“would it be wrong if i said both?”
heat rushes to his ears as soon as the words leave his mouth. it only makes you feel like imploding from how sweet he was being. fighting the urge to smile until he breaks into a soft laughter and you return the same. shaking your head and looking up the the chandelier hanging just next to you again. hal follows your gaze.
“you’ve looked at that chandelier at least eight times now.” this time looking with you like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.
“sorry,” you laugh. “i haven’t been anywhere this nice before.”
he tops off your drinks and leans his elbows on the table in improper etiquette. “don’t worry about apologizing. i’m not much fancy restaurant guy myself.”
pointedly, you eye him. his effortlessly handsome outfit and his crisp button up shirt. you narrow your eyes at him. “could’ve fooled me jordan.”
“hey,” he raises his hands in surrender. “i don’t even know what these forks are for. i usually like eating with the little one at home.”
a genuine smile returns on your face as you lean closer just as he’s been. “i’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be a sign of neurodivergence.”
“a fork?” he challenges. “you know what, you’re smart and pretty, i believe anything you say.”
lightly you smack his arm and shake your head, calling him stupid with no malice as you sipped your drink. after a couple more minutes, the waiter comes out with your food. as soon as you take a bite, you look up at him wide eyed and make a sound of approval.
hal smiles like he’s won the lottery. “yeah? it’s good?”
with your eyes still closed now, you shake your head and chew. “very good.”
pushing your plate to him, he laughs and takes a forkful to try. only seconds later moaning egregiously enough that the older people in the tables next to you have dirty looks.
“this, is better than sex.” he admits more loudly than he needs to.
“really selling yourself short there,” you laughed.
blinking he laughs. “i mean, sex is objectively good right. but if the girls not feeling it then it’s never good. as a man, i’m objectively not as good as this pasta.”
this only makes you laugh harder. “that still didn’t make any sense.”
your mind eases off of jason for a while as he presses you for information about school and your future. he listens so intently that it makes you feel respected and valued. though this doesn’t last long because you’re left thinking about jason again before you’re trying to shake it off to no avail. the comparisons were hard to ignore.
hal had ordered the caviar he was anxiously wanted you to try and reluctantly you’d made some excuse not to. hal shrugs and eats the rest while you’re not sure whether to be endeared or slightly horrified. but even this wasn’t an issue.
the problem was exactly that. hal jordan had no red flags for you to focus on. nothing for you to say so you could argue that you weren’t ready or that he was rude enough to warrant never seeing him again. he was quite the opposite of being crude. the date was far from terrible. he’d picked you up from your place and even came up to your floor to walk you down. flowers waited for you on the passenger seat once he got you there.
even after the dinner was over and hal had paid for the bill, he wrapped his coat around you and respectfully walked you of the building with a hovering hand. still unsure if he could touch you but not ready enough to ask to. he held the door open as he let you back into his car. drove you back to your apartment and walked you up the stairs all over again. shamefully, all you could backtrack to was jason. all you could imagine was the parallels to jason at your front door, waiting for you to open it. now you were opening your heart to a boy you didn’t pay much mind to a month ago, no matter how physically attractive he was.
but hal had no problems to blame your inability to fall into to. no real issues to back up this feeling that he wasn’t yours because he isn’t jason.
you unlock your front door and push it open, standing in he doorway with the lillies he’d bought you. he stands behind you with his hands in his pocket and a sweet smile that should’ve made you melt, instead you felt like stone.
“thank you for tonight hal. i had a lot of fun.”
shrugging and nodding with that perfect, unfamiliar look on his face, he speaks. “i did too. i really hope i can take you out again soon, maybe something less fancy? this time i can cook for you?”
the thought only made you swirl further.
distant memories that felt closer than before reappeared. jason cooking in your kitchen with a soft hum coming from his throat as he chopped and stirred. him feeding you something saucy and cheesy before he kissed your lips to wipe the residue off. his hands travelling down your thighs while he pressed against you with his lame apron still on. his voice by your ear saying all the sweet things you’d ever wanted to hear. now you wanted to vomit.
you nod, looking into each of hal’s eyes and letting him lean in closer as he stares at your lips. the intention was clear and you felt frozen in place. he leans further in and presses his soft lips to yours, deepening it as his hand came up to hold your head. though you don’t love from your place. you didn’t reach out to touch his head back or let go of the flowers. instead your grip loosened a little and you let your head go a little limp as he held you closer, though his lips somehow felt colder than the last ones you’d touched. then he pulls away, gasping slightly and smiling with his eyes closed.
“you’re so perfect.” he whispers before he kisses your cheek and pulls away. “good night gorgeous.”
watching as his footsteps depart and you stand there with the flowers hanging low, petals facing the floor. after a minute you quietly slip into your house, a new sense of discomfort bubbling. you shut the door behind you and lean against it, flows slipping from your fingers and hitting the floor with a soft thud. a shudder runs though you.
you’re not sure how many minutes are spent like this, thoughts swirling you around and taking root in your mind. the thoughts of jason and unease guilt that you didn’t believe you should even harbour. somehow you felt angry, not with hal, and not even with jason, but with yourself.
slow, hot years rush down your cheeks as you bury your head in your hands.
what the fuck were you doing?
the door shuts behind him with a thud, a soft groan on his lips as he slips his shoes off.
everyone should be asleep in the frat house now. it’s nearly 1am and he’s lucky grayson didn’t lock hal out. but there’s a light on in the kitchen, and something told him he wasn’t going to be let off so easily.
quietly hal creeps toward the kitchen, pulling off his belt as he approaches and leaves it on the table in the hall like he’d had a long day at work.
“how’s your date?” a voice grumbles.
hal nearly jumps, “jeez, fuck—jason? what’re you doing up?”
from the dining table jason grumbles again. dimly lit but just visible enough, hal spots a beer and a ashtray in front of him. “couldn’t sleep.”
stalking a little closer, hal turns on another light. “waiting up for me to get home i assume?”
“doesn’t matter,” he quickly answers. “whatever forget i asked.” getting up and throwing his beer out.
hal only stands there, watching him move and murmuring a quiet, “alright then…”
then jason turns around. he freezes in the doorway before he turns to hal, something on his face that meant he was serious. “just don’t… hurt her, alright?”
“you mean like you did?” crossing his arms across his chest as he blankly stares at jason.
“yeah,” jason agrees, his eyes shining with a soft sheen that told hal he was clearly emotional while he was out. then he resorts to threatening. “don’t do what i did cause i swear to god i’ll make you regret it jordan.”
though hal sees how he seemed defensive without any real malice. jason seems genuinely sad as though he’s realized what he done just as he was weeks ago, moping around the house. this time he only seemed defeated, and it didn’t seem worth it to keep dragging jason’s past along.
easing back toward the table, hal shrugs him off. “look man,” he sighs, “you don’t have anything to worry about.”
jason perks up a little as he look back up again. “what do you mean?”
“i mean,” shuffling his feet as he mentally prepares himself to reassure jason. “she seemed distracted the whole night. like she’s in her own head thinking about something else. it wasn’t until we got to her apartment that she—”
before he knew it jason was in his face, dangerously close. “you went to her home?” anger in his tone.
“i didn’t go into her home, i just dropped her off to her front door. no big deal. it’s not like we fucked or anything.”
his mouth opens and closes again like he’s going to ask him something but he doesn’t. instead he takes a backwards step and nods slowly. “right. good. you should be seeing her get home. it’s uh, safer that way.”
squinting his eyes like jason was entirely transparent despite how he tried to make himself seem, hal shakes his head. the tension falls from its rising crescendo and hal leans onto the table as jason anxiously taps his foot. the two of them unsure how to proceed from here. then grayson walks into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing at his eyes.
“you idiots whisper yell very loudly.” turning his head to hal to hone in on him. “didn’t i say be back earlier?”
“well you don’t lock the door.” shooting a cheeky smile that grayson doesn’t find amusing.
jason uses the opportunity to excuse himself and takes a bottle of water from the fridge. tugging on the drawstrings of his hoodie as he walks out. “night.”
the two boys return the sentiment and grayson turns back to hal, before jason is too far to miss their words. “how’d it go? you kiss her?”
from the staircase, jason stayed put there and held his breath. waiting for hal’s response to what he knew he had no right to be angry over. the milliseconds it takes him to respond felt like an eternity to jason.
hal chuckles quietly, “it went good. really good. i’m gonna take her out again next week.”
grayson nods expectantly. “you didn’t answer the second part.”
“yeah,” hal starts with a fond smile on his face, “i kissed her.”
letting out a slow, controlled breath from his nose, jason stares into the abyss ahead of him. at the dark unlit hallway that lead to his room and stalks towards it without thinking about it.
he doesn’t stay long enough to hear what his brother says and goes straight to his room.
the ethics lecture was the most boring one they’d gone over and you wished you slept in.
students had fallen asleep on their desk across the lecture hall, theatre seating giving you great view to see what everyone was up to. you were still distracted from the events of the last week and how you’d done a date with hal only two days prior.
the thing is, you hadn’t told anyone about it yet. you hadn’t seen cassandra or grayson. hell you hasn’t even heard roy’s loud mouth in a week let alone seen jason.
now you were finishing up your notes and cross referencing it to the readings to understand what concepts overlapped. highlighting the theories that worked in contemporary cases and found something to discredit it for your final paper coming up. the professor spoke quickly as he went through the importance of ethics as a researcher. how you’d need to inform the participant of their role in your work and how they play an important part in pinpointing change.
how it was your job to be honest and responsible. to ensure you’ve spoke nothing but the truth to the people you’d involved. all you wanted now was to talk to jason. not that you’re sure what you’d say, just that his voice could ease your mind from everything else.
once the lecture is over, you’re the first one to leave. a sweet treat and coffee was in order for the fruits of your labour today—getting out of bed and going to a lecture.
the cafe air is always warm and inviting. the scent of arabian beans and baked goods drawing you closer to the counter. it’s a blessing that it’s located right at the edge of campus too, so when the library was too packed, you’d head here.
you take your drink and a house made brownie to head to the booth seat by the window. watching the clear blue sky and listening to the chatter in the cafe. you pull out your laptop and notebook, cracking your knuckles in anticipation for what awaits you and how much studying you needed to catch up on. no matter how hard you prepared, there was always more to do in university. plus, being a research assistant meant you’d have to push your work work aside to aid in a project.
though right as you open a new tab and click your pen, you see him.
jason walked into the store with his headphones on and his bag slung over his shoulder. he heads straight for the booth in front of you and ouuuu track his movements without making it obvious. though when he passes by your table, he slows down. his eyes fall over you as fast as he looked away, and you feel a sense of disappointment wash over you. then, he just slides into his seat and all you can see is his hair poking out the top of the booth from tall he is in comparison.
why were you disappointed that he didn’t really say hi, you’re the one who kinda ghosted him.
to yourself you blink. at the laptop you blink harder. no, you’re not being crazy right? why didn’t he reach out anyway? is this all justified to him like he doesn’t really even care? you guys have been studying together for a while now, and he always joins you so boyfriend or not, why didn’t he? aren’t you guys friends?
you’re standing up before you know it, grabbing your things and roughly shoving it in your bag. the reasoning had convinced you enough that he was the one being weird because he totally was. didn’t jason even say you did nothing wrong the other night?
“hey,” you say standing next to his booth.
he lifts his headphone from one ear, “uh hi.”
“why didn’t you sit with me?”
blinking as he pauses his music, jason slides his headphones off and gestures you to sit. quietly you do.
“i assumed you were busy.” he says as you sit.
“i wasn’t.” more timidly than you intended to.
he shrugs slightly, “it looked like you were.”
for a moment you still. maybe you were right. maybe he doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. but why won’t he just say it out loud?
jason fiddles with his headphones for a second before he decides the grain of the wooden table was more interesting. you however, weren’t amused. in fact, you were quite confused as to why he’d been avoiding you entirely.
“was it something that i said?“ plainly, you ask.
jason sighs and looks you in the eyes fully for the first time since you sat down. “we haven’t talked in days, what could you have said?”
“exactly,” nodding his sentiment along, “you’ve been avoiding me and i can’t figure out why…”
“i’ve just been busy.” he lies.
“liar.” you call him out. “we have the same classes.”
with his hands, he gestures slyly. “look,” not realizing how his tone gave him away. “you didn’t say anything wrong.”
“so i did something then.” you correct.
jason grumbles and says your name. “no, now you’re putting words in my mouth. we, you and i, we’re good. you don’t owe me anything ma. i just want you to be happy.”
the nickname makes your stomach flutter regardless. jason looks to his phone to a message from roy and sighs before standing up again.
but you’re thinking over the meaning behind his words. i just want you to be happy. you don’t owe me anything. where the hell was that coming from?
“i gotta go.” shoving his headphones into his bag and getting out of the booth.
“oh, already?” you try and fail to hide your disappointment.
he only nods, “i’ll see you around princess.”
then he walks off.
the meaning behind his words only swirled you more confused. the thoughts filling your mind and sending mixed signals throughout. his sudden cold demeanour had you thinking and overthinking, letting them sink through the fabric of your clothes and onto your skin like a brand you felt shameful wearing as it clicked.
fuck, jason knew.
—
“you’ve gotta be kidding me.”
grayson has always been terrible at hiding his actual feelings with you. he could hardly even mask it as he stretches his legs out for his run and shakes his head.
“you’re still in love with him. of course you are! you guys are both playing racket ball with my last couple of brain cells.” pulling his leg behind him into a deep stretch.
burying your face in the pillow on his bed, you try not to scream.
lucky jason wasn’t home according to grayson. he had gone up to the cottage to grab his bike apparently and decided to spend the weekend there so he wouldn’t be back until monday.
folding to lay his palms flat in the ground, he effortlessly continues. “i never liked the hal thing for the record. i’d prefer keeping you in the family.”
“gray, you’re not helpful at all.” you murmur from his pillow.
sighing, he stands upright. “alright. fine. you tell me then.” striding closer and ruffling you hair obnoxiously. “do you really love him?”
from the pillows you lift your head and look up at his watchful eyes, a arch in his brow that demanded honesty. slowly you nod.
“i think he made me understand what it means and i’ll always want him.” you admit.
grayson shakes his head at your response as you sit upright. “that’s not what i asked though. do you love him? because if you’re using hal to move on, that’s a disservice to both of you. hal and yourself.”
“not jason?” you raise a brow.
“nope.” he quickly answers. “that boy made his bed the first time he messed with you. everything else is fair game in my mind.”
that pulls a genuine laugh out of you. his honesty only making his statement funnier to you.
“aye, i’m serious. jason hurt you once, so i’m not sweating you trying to move on, even if it’s a little fast for you.” patting your shoulder softly as he moves back towards the door.
though a sinking guilt still held you, he made you feel a little better. “thanks gray.”
“anytime,” he smiles. “now you have no excuse to miss the party i’m throwing you.”
everything in your face drops, both in disbelief and shock. “for me? what?”
this only makes him smile wider. “ha, perfect keep that surprised face when everyone shows up. it’s not everyday someone gets into grad school like haven’t been gushing over it since their first year.”
before you can grumble his name or protest another party after last weekends where jason vaguely told you, “you did nothing ma.” grayson is already out the door. stomping down the stairs as his open door lets the sound of his voice travel.
“wear something nice please!”
the walk over to the frat house was obnoxious as the campus was packed. people gathered across the field with drinks and blankets, music and loud students celebrating their final days on campus.
there was no choice for you but to attend since grayson practically forced you to go.
opening the door to the house was where you saw just how much bigger this party was than he told you. loud music and synthetic smoke mixed to create a barrier that could make you feel intoxicated just by being there.
by the stairs, there was a group of people lounging and smoking. a huge bong between them and a couple joints being passed between the group. then there was people just standing near the door, lingering and talking. mostly flirting. in the living room was a game of spin the bottle and another group dancing to dancehall.
you hear your name being called just seconds before someone hands you a drink and you gracefully accept. grayson approaches you and eyes the cup.
“what’re you doing accepting random drinks when i made you a special punch eh?” wrapping his arm around your shoulder and walking you both towards the kitchen.
you laugh as he spins you by your finger and whistles at your outfit. “you actually listened and wore a skirt.”
gushing beside him is donna, roy’s arm lazily around her waist. “oh my god. you look so hot!”
taking in her attire you admire her. her black dress with sparkles that looked stars in a night sky. she was so effortlessly gorgeous.
“thanks.” you smile. “so are you. that dress is made for you.”
donna laughs and picks up a solo cup, handing it to grayson to pour as roy nods his head at you. then he whispers in her ear and grayson steals your attention once again bu handing you a full cup of punch that you just knew was 90% alcohol and 10% punch.
“this, my beautiful friend, is made solely for you.”
clinking his plastic cup with yours before taking a swig. reluctantly you do the same, taking a long sip of the drink made to inebriate you clearly. the taste made you wince and shake your head, hanging your tongue out of your mouth as you grimace.
“what did you put in this grayson?” you wince.
he laughs and rubs your back as you cough. “oh you know, seltzer, lime, vodka, don’t worry about it. it’s mean to get you drunk and let loose before you’re in that stuck up institution without me.”
“you’re in an institution right now.” you blink.
for a moment he thinks, then he shrugs. “whatever, did you eat yet?”
“uh. not dinner if that’s what you mean.”
he tsks at you and opens the cabinet, tossing a protein bar at you. you catch it and eye the bar before his face like you’d asked, why without saying the words. he gets it of course.
“cause i don’t want you puking at a party meant for you. so eat it please.” he kisses the back of your head dramatically and you could already tell just how drunk he was.
humourlessly, you let out a small laugh and shake your head. but you don’t miss when grayson catches roy’s eye. he tilts his head and mouths something that you would’ve missed if his distraction had worked. roy looks to grayson and shrugs, and his words you can make out.
i don’t know.
“girl,” donna snaps you out of your trance. “you look too good to stand around. dragging you out of the kitchen by your wrists.
you’re still sipping your drink as she pulls you over, needing the liquid courage to get you right to cope with this. she’s pulling you into the empty space and starting to dance a little while you rest your drink on the table. swaying her hips next to yours and humming thoughtfully to the song.
“come on!” she laughs and you can’t help but laugh too.
the liquid swirling you with more confidence as you start to raise your hands and let the beat thump through your body. slowly, you bring your arms up and up your body, swaying and letting your hair fall behind you. donna’s got her hands on your hips experimentally, moving you around and whooping. you play along and grind on her like she’s your man here. then you see stephanie and cassandra just lounging by the couches and you gesture them over.
they rise and dance with eachother, inching closer until all you could smell radiating off of everyone nearby was the intoxicating marijuana and alcohol that ruined you like no other.
but the name didn’t stick, and the blunt from between cassandra’s fingers made its way to your lips as she placed it there. smiling at you and loudly saying, “i’m glad you left your house smarty pants.”
you roll your eyes and blow out the smoke, the sensations intensifying as you grew more intoxicated. leaning closer to her face, you whisper yell, “why don’t you go dance with your girlfriend yeah?”
cassandra laughs and offers you another hit that you so gracefully accept, twirling as you take a long drag and pass it back over. she moves her way back towards stephanie and does the same in putting the blunt between her lips. you catch stephanie hollowing her cheeks and urging her closer, blowing the smoke right in her mouth.
you couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that rose inside you. what they had, you wanted so badly. you practically had it with jason, but now your here swirling in your thoughts because a smell and an action now attributed itself to him in your mind. slowly you sway over and slow your dancing, the thoughts filling you up in a way you hated.
a hand grazes your side and spins you to face them. a smile on his face that practically echoed his intentions.
“hey gorgeous.” hal greets you. “you look real good.”
you blink up at him, a little tipsy and definitely a little high. the cross fade making you open enough to lower your inhibitions. you smile back.
“hi hal, so do you.” letting his hands go around your waist so he could move with you slowly.
the people around you are grinding on eachother, but you knew well enough that that’s not why you wanted. instead, you move his hands that travelled lower and place them on your waist. he doesn’t even question it and lets you use him for support as you grabbed your cup and took another sip.
from the corner of your eye you see a girl touching up on a guy, his back turned so all you could see was the ripple of hard muscle under his shirt. but the way he moved was too familiar.
your breath hitched as you watched the scene unfold.
the redheaded girl dragged her hand down his chest as he turns to the side, one of his hands hovering over hers and the other flat at his side. she’s mouthing something close to his ear and he tilts his head to hear it. the air from the room felt like it was being sucked out as you saw his face. the girl giggles as jason whispers back, and you feel your heart pounding in your chest.
quickly you turn away and take a giant gulp. unknowingly you had been gripping at hal’s chest and he had just let you. his eyes followed where yours had led and he frowns slightly as you pull away to down your drink.
“you okay?” he suddenly asks.
you clear your throat. “yeah, i’m fine,” fake smiling to sell your words.
“don’t do that,” he rasps in your ear. “it’s okay to still love him.”
that takes you back and you look up to him, his hands still locked around your waist.
“what?” you quietly say.
he smiles like it’s the easiest thing. “you heard me. it’s not a crime to be in love. hell, he’s a lucky guy to have a girl like you.”
the implication made your face burn. he knew you’d been in love with jason all this time, but he didn’t want to make you feel bad about it.
your lips part as you rasp his name as though in apology. though hal just shakes his head.
“it’s okay, i’m fine. i knew you liked him all this time, i kinda thought i could get you to understand there was more out there. part of me just always knew.” smiling sweetly.
taking a moment to look into his eyes, you gauge his sincerity. hal only mirrors everything he said because he meant it deeply, and that somehow made it worse. you feel your heart twist.
“i’m sorry,” voice breathy as you purse your lips.
he just smiles and shakes his head, looking up to where jason was before he spins you around. “let’s dance over there yeah?”
feeling his energy shift, you frown at him and turn around anyways. and you could feel your heart breaking into couple dozen pieces. the girl had her hands in his hair as though they’d just kissed, and you’re standing here feeling like an idiot as she runs her fingers through jason’s hair.
suddenly this party didn’t feel so fun anymore. a small sigh escapes you as you abruptly turn back around to hal, hand touching his chest like you needed it to keep you sane. he clasps his hand over yours and tilts your head up at him.
“it’s okay,” he whispers close by your ear. “you can show him what he’s missing.”
before you could ask what he’d met, he lowers his face to yours and presses his lips against you. a gentle peck meant to prove something that you weren’t even sure you wanted to show. a muffled sound of surprise gets swallowed by his as he deepens the kiss, opening one of his eyes just to see if jason was looking. you feel him smile against your lips as your wide eyes watch his, looking past you to ensure that jason knew exactly what he meant by what he’d been missing.
jason never wanted to come to this party. he’d told grayson as much when called him and told him to stay longer at the cottage because he didn’t want him to bother you.
he was happy for you of course. the fact that you’d gotten into the school of your choice and got what you’d deserve was everything he could have ever hoped for. you were the one person he was sure deserved every part of this.
though jason couldn’t stay in those four walls any longer and not think about how close he was to having you again.
the memories rang like church bells on a sunday morning. there was no escaping it.
now he’s come back to the frat house to go rot in his room when he found that someone already made their way up here and stole his bong. entirely annoyed and grumpy over many different reasons, he made his way downstairs, still in his black tee and grey sweatpants like he didn’t belong there.
as soon as he’s met with the scent of alcohol, jason grimaces from the last time he’d been drinking and recalled the events. he moves his way towards the living room to get away from all the things mixed in the punch that’s was in the kitchen.
though only two steps into the living room, he sees you—dancing. a slight wick of sweat on your brow as you moved carefree, hands on your friends shoulders while her hands were in the air. the way you moved was intoxicating enough for him. the air tightened and the room quieted as he saw you there and jason felt himself moving closer without even realizing, just magnetized to you especially now.
he made it a point to see who else was nearby, watching stephanie take cassandra’s hand and dance closer. then he averted his gaze to the men by the wall and saw the one person he definitely didn’t want to see.
hal fucking jordan.
the blood in his veins boiled for reasons he didn’t want to voice. something tore through his skin like it wanted to break free and grab him by the collar. part of jason wanted to physically fight him, no reason than for how close he’d gotten to you. but you kissed him. or maybe hal kissed you. either way jason knew you well enough to know you wouldn’t kiss him if you didn’t like him or at least didn’t see it heading that way.
jason sighs lowly as he sees hal down the rest of his cup and make his way over to you.
maybe he should get to you first, he thought.
no, you’re happy. at least you looked happy.
he talks himself out of it just as hal touches your hip. still halfway through lunging at him, someone touches jason’s shoulder and he turns to see roy standing next to a redheaded girl.
“jason, my friend here said she thinks you’re good looking.” straight to the point, roy says.
the girl smiles sheepishly, “hi.” her voice hoarse like she’d drank too much already. inebriated enough to have no social awareness.
roy smiles and steps behind her, shooting a wink at jason before leaving them to it. jason cusses under his breath before she drags her hand down his chest.
“woah, you’re like really fit.” giggling as she traces her hands down his pecks.
laughing uncomfortably, he takes her hands gently off his chest. “uh, thanks. did you come here with your friends?”
she hums and leans closer to him, the heady scent of alcohol on her breath as she gets closer. “they don’t mind though. do you mind?”
he looks over her shoulder to see hal with his hands around your waist, speaking in your ear too intimately for his comfort. he tenses at the action but watches as you do the same, your hand at your side clenching and your nails digging into your palms. watching as you bite your lip, not in the way he loved when you wanted him to touch you, but as though you were uncomfortable.
jason turns his attention back to her as she loops her fingers through his belt loops and quickly grabs her hands.
“woah, woah.” still uncomfortably laughing as he presses her hands to her stomach trying hard to keep her away. then he lets her go. “easy.”
“what?” she giggles, running her hands up his back and through his hair. “you got a girlfriend or something?”
immediately he nods, “yeah actually i’m supposed to go meet her so.” he backs up and takes her hands off him once again.
jason looks left and right and spots roy watching from afar. a stupid grin on his face as he waves at jason. giving him an annoyed look, jason gestures him closer and he reluctantly comes. feet slow as he approaches like jason’s an animal that could pounce on him at any moment.
“hey you two,” he points. “you guys alright?”
jason’s scoffs, “yeah asshole. can you make sure she gets to her friends? i don’t think she should be alone this off drunk.”
the girl scoffs too, “i’m perfectly fine actually.”
he shoots her a look before looking back to roy. the girl waves him off annoyed and moves behind roy to text on her phone. though roy puts his hand over his shoulder and sighs.
“look man, i was just trying to help. i mean she’s moved on, i feel like you should too. get laid and get over her y’know?” gripping his shoulder tight with one hand.
“no,” jason shakes his head. “i’m perfectly fine how i am, thanks.”
“i don’t know dude. i feel like all this yearning isn’t healthy.” roy shrugs and sips his beer.
jason pulls his arm off of him and sideeyes roy like he’s personally offended him. “hal said they kissed, sure, but i don’t think she really likes him like that.”
“really?” roy says with a grimace on his face, pointing ahead as he stares. “are you sure about that?”
“what do you mean?”
heart pounding in his chest as he follows roy’s gaze to where you stood. reality felt like it had sped through fast and time was slipping from between his fingers. the music faded like a dramatic movie as he watched hal, kissing you.
his lips parted as he watched, mouth gape and his hands balled into fists.
his filthy hands touched your chin and pulled you closer while the other rested on your waist. he watched as he deepened the kiss and leaned closer into you, back arching slightly as your hand unclenched and opened in the air.
taking the beer from roy’s hand, jason abruptly turns. “you have my car keys no?” he suddenly asks.
roy stammers, pulling the keys from his pocket, “yeah but, are you okay? considering what you just saw—”
jason grabs the keys and walks away quickly. making his way through the crowd and out to the garage, shutting the door behind him shut.
it was clear to him now—you were happier without him around.
—
only the loud bass and the thumping in your chest could be heard from between you. parting from hal, your hand immediately went up to your mouth. cupping your lips and wiping them unintentionally as you blinked up at him.
“what was that for?” huffing as you stared at him.
“what? i thought you wanted him to know you’re okay without him too.” he furrows his brows.
horrified, you turn around to where jason stood and find him nowhere to be seen. you flicker your gaze over the crowd, over the people, over the dancing bodies and the smoke filled air—but nothing. jason wasn’t here anymore.
he was leaving again.
you push slightly as hal’s chest. “i know you mean well but, i didn’t want him to think—”
“shit,” hal interrupts, his hand at the back of his own neck rubbing soothingly. “i just assumed. fuck, i’m really sorry, i thought… i should’ve asked.”
you were sure you had tears in your eyes now. the thought of jason having to see you with someone else made you feel like your blood had frozen over.
you stammer as you back away from him. “i have to find him.”
in recognition, he nods. “yeah, of course. i can explain it to him if anything.”
but you’ve already run from the living room, storming through the crowd like a madwoman. pushing past the drunk people in the hallway and storming up the stairs to his room.
you put the door open and jason isn’t there. just as fast as you went up, you ran back down, heart thumping in your ears as you caught a glimpse of roy sitting on the couch with the same girl as earlier in his lap. you stride right over to them.
“roy,” you gasp. “where’s jason?”
immediately he sees the raw emotion on your face. the way the colour seemed to drain from it and how you seemed like you were about to throw up from the looks of it. his expression shifts from the flirty front he puts on into the friendly, caring one he only recently exposed to you.
he nods slowly. “he took his car keys from me and left. he didn’t say where though i’m sorry.”
the girl in his lap tilts her head at you, clearing sizing you up. “isn’t that the grump tall guy? girl don’t even bother, he said he’s got a girlfriend.”
the pang in your chest only tightens as you realized he didn’t even kiss this girl. he told her he had a girlfriend and you knew there was no one else. he was talking about you. and now he’s seen you seemingly making out with hal in his brothers frat and everything fell into place. like pieces of a puzzle that was horribly mixed up.
roy snaps you out of it when he speaks up.
“i parked in the garage if that helps.” his lips in a small frown like he were sorry.
you nod as you back away and head straight for the garage door. feeling tears welling in your eyes and a pit in your stomach as you inch closer.
what if he left already?
what if he’s come to the conclusion that this was all too hard to deal with and he was better off just finding someone new when he got one of those grad schools across the country?
part of you felt guilty now for ever even trying with hal when you don’t feel the spark you desperately craved from one person. but you kept telling yourself you should try. that jason was ignoring you because he had already decided for the both of you.
by the time you get to the door and push it open, you feel entirely sober by his car still there.
you sigh in relief as you get to the passenger seat and yank it open. sitting in the chair quickly and shutting the door behind you just to find jason sitting there gripping the steering wheel like it was the only thing grounding him right now.
your name on his tongue was sweeter than it should’ve been on these circumstances.
“what’re you doing here?” he sighs. “should you be in there?”
steadying yourself you purse your lips and bite your tongue. jason furrows his brows and tilts his head at you.
“hey,” making you turn to him still unable to entirely meet your gaze. “are you okay?”
you nod as your lip trembles. how do you tell him that you’re madly in love with him and even with a new, perfect guy, all you can imagine is jason.
his demeanor shifts at your inability to respond.
“did he,” jason starts. “did hal fucking hurt you?”
“no, jason.” picking at your nails and sighing. “he didn’t do anything wrong.”
then, slowly, he nods as if in realization. face slipping back to the same blank compliance as before. “right. he’s your boyfriend, sorry.”
“he’s not my boyfriend jason.” you snap. “god, you ignore me all week and then you make think you’re making out with some random girl.”
projecting like you weren’t the one kissing someone else. though that’s besides the point.
“hey, i wasn’t kissing anyone.” flickering his eyes over your face, taking in the way your skin paled. “i swear, i didn’t.”
“why not?” unable to hide the way your voice broke. “i mean i hurt you. i wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to write me off.”
that makes him scoff more harshly than he intended. “why would i do that when i have…” stopping himself. “when i don’t want them?”
his response only makes you feel worse though the way he was holding himself back from admitting the truth, it only makes you want it more.
“why not?” the words come out small.
jason furrows his brows. “why?”
“yeah,” you look at him, tears still glazing over your eyes. “why not?”
“because,” he stammers. “there’s no timeline on moving on. you can do whatever you want so i can also take my time no?”
“please, you’ve been avoiding me like a sickness and staring at hal like he kicked your dog.”
clenching his jaw, jason sighs heavily. “that’s not true.”
“isn’t it?” scoffing as you watch the side of his face. “you hate me and him and it’s my fault.”
groaning out your name like it hurt to say, “i don’t hate you. i could never hate you.”
“then why are you ignoring me?” you ask, interrupting him before he can do it to you. “and why aren’t you coming to class? or ever here when come to see grayson or hal—”
but that clearly pushed a button and jason snaps.
“because i can’t fucking stand him!” he raises his voice.
the sound taking you aback and a small scoff escapes past your lips as you watch him breathe heavier. nodding your head, you turn completely towards him in your seat and tuck a foot under your knee just to look directly at his face.
“you could stand him perfectly fine a couple weeks ago when he wasn’t going out with me.” crossing your arms as you stare at him.
his head shakes as he grips the steering wheel tightly. “it’s not that simple and you know it.”
“oh please, enlighten me then jason.” you press on, entirely over this situation and needing him just as badly as you wanted to hate him.
“you—” he starts and stops again.
you’re watching him as he shuts his eyes and lets out a deep exhale. suddenly he looks up to your side and trails his gaze over your face, lifting his fingers towards you like he’s twitching just to touch you.
in his eyes, you find the same adoration you’ve always loved, but now it’s accompanied by a bitter taste. he presses on.
“when i see you with him, i feel like i’m suffocating. like the air around me has been sucked away and i can’t do anything about it cause i did it to myself.”
parting your lips as you watch him confess what he’s hidden for weeks, you listen. brows upturning as he shakily breaths out your name.
“it’s selfish, i know. you’re your own person and i ruined us with all the lies. so you’re more than allowed to date other people. i just can’t… i—i can’t be around it. i won’t.” gulping as he looks at your hands in your lap now, wanting badly to hold them in his. “i know there’s too much baggage between us and i i hurt you but part of me thought we’d figure it out?”
his tone upturned at the end as though he’d contemplated within himself before voicing it.
“—is that why you’re leaving?” interrupting his thoughts and barely concealing the emotions that threatened to spill over. “because of me?”
something in his eyes seem to soften then, flickering and fanning out like all hope had dissipated.
his voice is quiet and unsure as he rasps. “what?”
“you don’t have to lie jason and you sure as shit don’t have to avoid me like the plague. i just wanted to feel wanted like a person and not a fucking prize.” slow tears slipping down your warm cheeks. “you never told me you were going to leave me though.”
taking a large gulp, he shakes his head. “i was never going to leave you.”
but you’re shaking your head. “i know you applied to grad schools across the country and i know you got it. i just can’t understand why you hid that part from me.”
furrowing his brows like he’s trying to understand where you got to that conclusion, he looks deep in thought. then recognition flickers behind his eyes and he leans closer, clasping your hands in his. staring into your eyes like he were sorry. you sniffle as he takes your hands and try not to sob at how royally you’d felt like you’d fucked this up.
“bruce told you at gordon’s event didn’t he? fuck, i wanted to be the one to do it.” he searches your face when you look down into your lap. though jason follows your head and tilts his. “i’m sorry. i said no more lies and i hid this.”
he leans even closer, enough to smell your perfume and the slight intoxicating scent of lingering weed illuminating between you. jason sighs and holds back his own emotions. “i feel like i’m always apologizing to you like an idiot.”
between quiet sniffles you find yourself leaning closer to him, searching unconsciously for comfort. you lean your head onto his shoulder.
“you’re not an idiot. i just can’t stand to lose you jay.” the quiet admission slips.
immediately he cradles your head there, leaning his own head on top of yours and gently touching your cheek. he whispers a small shaky noise that sounded to your name before he takes a shallow breath.
“you’re allowed to be happy. if he’s making you happy then i want that for you.”
you pull away to look at him, the motion evident all over your face now that he could see it again.
“damn it jason, i’m not fucking happy! i didn’t move on,” elevating your voice like you were speaking to yourself more than him. probably still more intoxicated than you felt. “i don’t love hal. i don’t, love anyone else but—” you cut yourself off.
the car suddenly feels a lot smaller. the doors seemingly doing nothing to make you feel closer to jason despite how close you say next to another. the silence stretched for what felt like minutes but was only seconds.
but jason, his eyes were glued to yours.
“you love someone else?” voice small as he carefully watches you. waiting patiently for you to fill in blanks he desperately wanted to be right about.
slowly, you nod as a tear slips down your face. “you jason. it’s you.”
his hands touch your face delicately. thumb grazing over the warm tear as he held you close. from how close you say now, you could see the tears welling in his eyes and the relief that flooded as he switched between your eyes.
“you love me?” breathlessly, he said.
unable to say anything through your broken tears, a sob breaks out as you nod. jason presses his forehead to yours and whispers your name, over and over like he’s counting his blessings.
“please,” he rasps, “please say it. i want to hear it ma, please.”
between sobs, you melt against him. tearing wetting your lashes and his skin.
“i love you jason todd. i love you so much that it’s causing me physical pain.” laughing a little at the end as he joins you.
“yeah baby? well, the feeling is mutual and i love you more than i’ve ever loved anything or anyone.” gazing into your eyes like it held the key to all of his prayers.
pulling you closer like there wasn’t a dashboard between you. all resolve crumbs as you climb over it and into his lap, straddling him tight. his hand grazes over you hair and pushes it back as he makes you face him, wiping the tear streaks from your skin. he shushes you as you sniffle.
“don’t cry baby, i’m not leaving. i’m never leaving you again. you hear me?” kissing your cheeks as you pull at his shirt. “i didn’t pick a school yet. i haven’t chosen one because i can’t breathe if you’re not close.”
you hum as you pull at his shirt again, tugging him closer and letting him lean you against the steering wheel. pulling his hair back to watch his handsome face smile up at you. your eyes flicker to his lips and he smiles brightly as he drops his hands to your thighs, kneading the plush there.
“you want something princess?” teasing despite the circumstances.
you can’t help but laugh and roll your eyes. “just kiss me already jason.”
“for you? anything.”
then he’s on you, pressing his perfect lips to yours. it feels like your floating over yourself as he deepens it, holding you tight against him as shops his tongue down your throat. you him into his mouth, moaning lowly as you hips mindlessly shift against him. jason groans and bucks his hips slightly, biting your lip to make the sweet sound slip past your lips and to his ears.
“baby,” he rasps against your mouth.
though you don’t part, instead you tug at his shirt and pull up the hem. jason gets the message immediately, letting you pull it up enough for him to take it off all the way. his shirt is off when you trail your fingers down his abs, touching the hard muscle that you missed like a pillow. you graze your fingers up and down while you kiss down his jaw, eliciting a gorgeous moan from him that felt like music to your ears.
fumbling with your skirt while you undid his belt, you could feel how hard he was beneath you.
“are you sure?” breathlessly he says while you nip up by his ear.
nodding, you moan against his skin, biting the love and kneading it with your teeth.
“yeah jay.” you rasp. “i need you.”
it’s enough to spur him further, hiking up your skirt as you push his jeans down with his boxers. you feel his hard length against your bare inner thigh, painfully hard and leaking in your need.
he’s moving to pull your panties down when you stop him, taking his hand and guiding him to push them to the side instead. urgency in your movements as you watch the realization in his eyes. jason only smiles as you guide his length to press against you. the message is clear as he nods and kisses you again, pecking your lips in little movements as though savouring you.
then you’re pressing down against him, mouth parting as you take him. seating yourself down as he holds you, guiding your hips when you try to take him at once. jason stops you before you try to let him all the way in. he sighs like he’s straining himself.
“breathe baby,” gulping as sweat wicks his forehead. “no rush. breathe. it’s all yours yeah? i’m all yours.”
you nod as you lean forward again, capturing his lips and lapping at him. he tightens his hold on you as you tilt your head, pressing him further into his seat as you begin to shift your hips. sinking further down against him, jason guides you there.
he doesn’t thrust up into you when you take him completely. instead, he parts from your lips, letting you breathe with a line of spit between you from how desperately you both needed eachother. jason groans lowly as you continue to shift your hips, dropping his head against the seat as praises escape from your lips.
“so good jay,” whining as you bounce against him. “you’re so perfect baby.”
jason returns the whine and bites his lip. this only excites you further, knowing how it pushes his buttons and turns him on. you know your man. grinding against him harder, you moan as he kneads your ass in his palms. little moans and words of affirmation as the signs of him losing himself made you want it more.
“i love you,” he moans helplessly, saying your name over and over. “god, i love you so much.”
“i love you too baby.” you whisper against his lips. “you’re so good. fuck, you’re so big.”
he makes another whimpering sound, his hips stuttering against yours as your movements only grew wilder.
“shit baby, don’t say that. i’m gonna lose it.” groaning as he throws his head back again, entirely lost in the feeling of you.
the peak was creeping over on you too. you could feel yourself there, sensitive enough to let go, but not enough to get him there first. hips moving in tandem with yours as he bucked up into you.
“good,” you sighed dreamily, smiling down at jason who’s just barely keeping it together. “i want you to let go.”
“oh fuck,” he moans.
he bites his lip so hard you think he’s gonna make it bleed. fingers digging into your thighs like an anchor. another whimpering sound that grew into a moan as he dropped his head to your chest. lazily grinding against you as he held you tight against him.
“please jay,” knowing exactly what you were doing. voice breathy and seductive. “i wanna feel it inside me.”
the response is immediately as he sputter and loses all semblance of himself. his hips buck up, once, twice, and he hold it deep inside you. letting go and painting you inside as he made swallow thrusts.
the feeling crashes over you too as soon as you feel it, crying out as he held you through it, guiding your hips still. he makes sure to rock you through your peak, lazily grinding as you gasped for air.
coming down while he kept you close, collapsed against his chest. melting into him while he caught his breath. jason sucks in a sharp breath and sighs. his spent leaking onto his lap and he didn’t care.
“i meant it.” he admits while you’re still reeling.
you hum quietly to tell him to continue.
“that i love you. that i’m never leaving you.” already kissing your dampened hair as he remained seated inside you.
“i meant it too,” you croaked, entirely spent. “i love you jason todd.”
the smile on his face could be felt through your hair, and he laughed as he tightened his hold around you. almost crushing but you couldn’t care less if you tried.
“so,” his voice still sounded unsure like he was gauging your opinion and didn’t want to overstep. “does this mean i can call you my girlfriend now?”
putting a hand to his chest to lift yourself, you look him in the eyes. squinting as you smack his chest lightly.
“i’ll kill you if you don’t.”
a slow smile creeps over his handsome face. the expression only makes you want to jump his bones again like he wasn’t hardening inside of you all over again. jason cups your cheek and pulls you in for another sloppy, wet kiss. slipping his tongue past your lips and biting your lip as he parts.
“good. cause i’m gotham u offers a good criminology masters program and i’m thinking of accepting it.” pressing his lips to your nose and to your forehead as you giggle.
then his word click and you gasp. “gotham u?”
he nods dreamily with his eyes half lidded, watching you. “well if my girlfriend is still going there then—”
“yes!” you shove him further into his seat, taking the turn to kiss all over his face. “a million times yes. don’t you dare,” speaking between kisses, “change your mind.”
he pinches your side so you stop and leans his forehead against yours again. either hand on the sea of your face like he was trying to memorize how you felt and brand it to his skin. jason stared lovingly into your eyes and you felt it, deeply.
for the first time in months, you felt love unconditionally and unapologetically reciprocated.
“i wouldn’t dream of it princess.” eyes twinkling as he stared at you.
looking into his eyes, the future didn’t feel so scary anymore.
i’d like to apologize for how long you had to wait for this. i am currently battered and bruised but i feel super accomplished now that this is done too. nerdystoner!jason i love you!
“meant it” | nerdystoner!jason | university au | smut
summary: jason’s finding it hard seeing you, seemingly, move on from him so his solution is to keep his distance. fortunately, he can’t even manage that.
tags + extras: college!au, angst, smoking, drinking, smut, reader is (was) a virgin. car sex. jealousy, frat houses mentioned, bsfs!brother, yes the reader has more than one bsf. plottwist. dick is in a frat because of course out of all the batboys it would be him. jason is not in a frat cause he wouldn’t join it, he’d think its stupid but would stick around for some parties for funsies.
wc: 15k
a/n: so so so sorry, life got busy and the university experience was killing me as it is the characters in this au lmao. anyway, i hope this lives up to your expectations and doesn’t disappoint. unfortunately i couldn’t proofread cause i had my first amateur boxing match last night (and won yay) so i didn’t have time…
the funny thing about saying something out loud is that it solidifies itself by whoever heard it.
being caught off guard and saying something you’d never really considered before and it takes root in your life as your word is held against you. something about this whole situation reminded you of the fundamentals of primary school and the golden rules you were supposed to follow.
treat others the way you want to be treated.
think before you speak.
something must’ve gotten lost in translation because everything seems to be going to shit.
back inside of the house, jason is nowhere to be found.
you duck into his room, check grayson’s, and then ultimately decide to check back downstairs again. nothing. pulling out your phone to call jason when you run into grayson, walking right into him as you descend down the stairs.
“woah, slow down,” he holds your shoulders straight, “where are we going?”
waving your phone around vaguely, “i was looking for jason but i think he left?”
grayson nods, “yeah. he went on a liquor run with roy and wally.”
“huh,” nodding back, you hum, “liquor run.”
“yeah, it’s a pool party this time so guaranteed need a couple kegs and something strong for shots.” continuing while you walk with him to the now fixed window and shooing away barry and oliver who were standing way too close to comfort. “and whoever did this shit is gonna get their ass beat when i find them.”
“makes sense.” you barely reply, watching as people move around you but not really paying attention.
the last few days have been, eventful to say the least. then hal threw in that curveball that just caused another spiral of what you and jason even were. he apologized, yes, and of course you want jason. you’ll always want jason but you’ve spent so much time now on him, trying to get over him to no avail. weeks of your life distancing yourself only to get pulled back to him again.
saying yes to hal felt like more of an unconscious decision than you actually wanting to date him.
it’s probably mean but he threw you off when he suddenly asked you out and it almost felt like a sign. that you had options and that not being with jason wasn’t the end of the world even if it felt like it. maybe hal could give you some perspective.
it’s not like hal jordan is ugly by any means. you’ve seen him without a shirt and he’s insanely ripped, much like grayson is. he’s pretty too, the kind that would make anyone do a double take.
but in the back of yours mind you still knew.
he’s not jason.
“hey,” grayson suddenly says, “you keep zoning out on me.”
you turn to face him, “yeah, sorry.”
he shakes his head and points a finger at your forehead, “don’t apologize. what’s going on in that head of yours?”
with a heavy sigh and no patience left to lie, “i hooked up with jason again.”
grayson’s eyes widen, “oh, i didn’t need to know that—” he sighs, “uh, isn’t that a good thing?”
you nod slowly, “i think so.”
from behind the two of you, the party began to get bigger. glassing clinking and laughter ringing. roaring music as tim whispered something in connor’s ear and he clicked away on his phone. hal had already joined the crowd with his shirt crooked on his body and a hand clasped around a beer. the front door was opening and closing more than you could count and the bodies stacking inside were more than the previous ones you’d been to probably because it was the last one of the school year. but jason wasn’t back yet.
someone bumps into you from behind and touches your waist to steady you from falling.
“oops sorry. ‘m a clutz.” laughing as she lets go of your side to get a better look at you. “wait, i know you!”
she smiles bright, her hair dark and beautiful. her eyes had the prettiest sparkle to them. you blink at the girl in front of you and exchange a glance with grayson.
“are you in my program?” you ask.
grayson cuts in, “no, this is donna. you met her at the last party.”
you nod slowly as the gears turn you recognize her face from spin the bottle. “oh, hey. sorry.”
“you were dating jason right?” a clear slur in her voice that told you’d she’d been drinking for a while before getting here, “ugh, i was talking to roy and he’s such a dog. both of them are honestly. i just can’t believe jason made that bet about you seriously. all my sisters are uber pissed and swore to keep away for at least another week.”
your stomach drops at her words and the creeping feeling of embarrassment takes form. though another form of jealousy crept too.
“you all heard?” you ask quietly.
donna nods immediately, “of course, everyone kinda did. but and of course roy is still up jade’s ass so whatever.”
she doesn’t notice how you’re demeanour shifts just barely. the creeping unease from everyone knowing your existence from a bet, no matter how much reassurance jason gave you. it was finally in front of you. you’d seen how you’re known to people you don’t really even know—as a joke.
twisting his head slightly, dick read how her words were hitting you before you’d even said anything yourself. he gestures to her hand quickly. “you’re drinking pink whitney?”
she shrugs and holds her cup up, “of course. don’t act like it’s not good.”
“never said that it’s just banned from this frat. too many bad memories.”
a distant shout makes grayson turn his attention that way again. when you turn too, you see conner with blood dripping down his neck and a face palming tim. the needle in conners hand is barely visible from where you were but you could see enough to know he was adjusting a new piece of metal in his lip, matching the other side.
he pierced himself and didn’t even seem fazed.
“for fucks sake,” grayson murmurs under his breath before putting hand up to both of you and storming over towards them.
“i told him not to do it,” tim sighs and shrugs while conner looks pleased with himself, already tonguing at the snake bite.
grayson grabs the towel and holds it to his lip himself, like the responsible guy he tries to be. “this is the last time you pierce yourself dude. just go to the fucking tattoo parlor across the street.”
beneath the paper towel, conner laughs but it comes out more muffled, “‘n pay sixty-five bucks? ya right.”
you’d probably been smiling at their interaction or just tuned out so much that donna tapped you again.
“do you want get a drink too? i’m basically out.”
glancing towards the front door once more, like it could bring jason back faster, you slowly nod. the two of you move towards the kitchen and donna starts talking about astrology and zodiac signs. she explains how her sign is compatible with most people but you don’t quite remember what her sign even was from how fast she talked. by the time she’s pouring you a drink in a solo cup and handing it to you, she starts talking about roy again.
“—he’s a dick. a real piece of work but when we’re alone he’s sweet. i don’t get it.” she sighs before gesturing towards you vaguely at how zoned out you were again, “but i’m sure jason is similar right? they are bestfriends.”
though you answer immediately, your blood warm from the alcohol already, “no. he’s actually really sweet in every situation. just kindhearted like it’s in his blood, i don’t know, it’s kind of infuriating.”
she nods along, “he keeps to himself yeah. just a real ass for making that bet over you babe. i’m sorry about that.”
grimacing softly, you sigh, “why’re you sorry? it’s not like you did it.”
“i mean, it just doesn’t make sense.” donna dramatically groans, “he’s in love with you! why’d do men do terrible things to the women they love?”
you down the rest of your cup and immediately regret it with a groan of disgust before shrugging, “it’s not love. it’s like a race of endurance. who can take more hardship from someone whose supposed to make their life easier.”
she laughs with her pretty teeth out, bumping shoulders with you, “you sound like you’ve had a lot of shitty boyfriends.”
“one was enough,” you genuinely laugh too before it simmers into something deeper, “and he’s not shitty and that’s the problem.”
she frowns, “oh babe, i know exactly what you mean.”
the front door continues to open and close, inviting new people in and letting others out. between the shuffling, the two of you slide onto the counter, legs crossed towards the other. that’s when a thought occurs to you again and it demands to be discovered. you gulp before you speak.
“um… did you really mean what you said earlier? that everyone heard what roy said?”
donna’s frown deepens before she nods, “the people around us and other sorority did.”
“who cares though? after you graduate, you’ll never gonna see these losers again.”
she jumps off the counter, “let’s go, show ‘em how hot you are.”
sipping your drink, you glancing towards the party through the doorway. you blink at her than down at your clothes that wasn’t meant for a party.
“nah i’m good in here.” lying right through your teeth like you were any form of good right now.
she rolls her eyes and drags you anyways, back towards the loud music. as soon as you’re back you see shots being poured by roy and wally. the two of them arguing over who had better taste in music while you walked over with donna. when you look to donna to tell her to ignore roy, she’s already got hearts in her eyes and you sigh softly to yourself.
“—all you listen to is fucking faye webster,” roy sighs, “i bet you listen to taylor swift too.”
wally gasps like he’s offended, “okay that’s where i draw the line.”
when roy opens his mouth again, conner drapes his arms around both of their shoulders, “both of you have shit taste, how’s that?”
as soon as roy squints at tim over conners shoulder. though tim only smiled tightly and tilts his head towards where you stood with donna. he catches donnas eye and he shoots her a stupid smile. the kind you recognize from him as the one he makes to women he wants to sleep with. you step slightly in front of her like a protective boyfriend or something even though you’d just met her. cause you know what roy is like and in the little time you’d known donna, you know how he makes her feel with so little words.
“have you seen jason?” you say with a tilt of your head.
roy shrugs, “he’s probably still being the keg inside.”
you frown, “you let him bring a whole keg in alone?”
“have you seen the man?” asking with genuine confusion towards you, “he’s fucking ripped.”
as if you even have to think about it, you nod and turn to go find him. donna’s already making her way towards roy before you can tell her anything. so you continue your way towards the garage.
music slowly getting quieter as you walk down the hall and into the laundry room. ignoring the people making out on top of the washer and dryer as you open the garage door and find it still open. and jason’s mustang still on. but he was nowhere to be found there. you circle the car and turn the corner to no avail still. jason wasn’t there. you turn towards the front door and still don’t find him. with an exasperated groan, you stomp towards the backyard door to try again at finding him because there’s no way he just left his car on right?
“you looking for something?” a husky voice calls out.
before you’d even touched the backward door, you spin on your heel to find jason there. blunt burning between his fingers as he leaned against his car.
“yeah actually.” as you approach him, “you.”
his face stays the same as he takes another drag. eyes not lifting from you and the same stoic look on them.
“so, you found me.” he says as he blows the smoke out. the grey clouding around him and the sour smell of marijuana radiating off of him. heady in the way that distracts you.
you nod like it means something and lean next to him. “you always seem to smoke in the same spot so if you were trying to hide, should try harder.”
jason sighs and stretches his shoulders, “i guess i’m getting predictable.”
the moment pauses as you try to decipher the meaning in his words. “i didn’t say it was a bad thing.”
his eyes meet yours as he pushes off the wall. “neither did i.”
making quick work to ash out his barely lit joint, he flicks it away as he pivots and moves to go back inside without even a glance towards your direction. something in your stomach twists. you frown to yourself before deciding to ask him.
“did i do something wrong?”
jason turns his head just enough to look at you. his hand still on the door as he pulls it open. the smile that he gives you barely reaches his eyes as that same exhaustion you’d seen earlier had returned.
“nah ma, you didn’t do anything.”
then the door follows behind him, leaving you in the cold air to think to yourself. just long enough to decide that you should go home and give the both of you some space.
space you knew would eat away at your sanity.
luckily, you’re not much of a drinker so waking up early wasn’t hard to do after last night.
getting to gordon’s presentation on his new paper was easier than your morning practicals, at least today. naturally as his assistant and amateur researcher, you’d been invited to attend the gala thrown by the sponsors.
by the time you arrived, the guests were set up and the audience was packed. gordon’s standing by the bar with some of the law professors, holding a darkened drink that was definitely bitter and pretentious. a select few men with their hair slicked back had gathered around where gordon stood. conversing and laughing in a pitch that exhibited more wealth than you’d ever known.
your heels were already killing you as you walked off the subway since they had to host this on the upper east side of town. you tug at your neatly arranged dress and step forward to mingle like you were supposed to. forced to talk to the people that funded gordon’s PhD and his years of research that every other person had found ridiculous.
the sound of your name being called made you turn towards it.
“when’d you get here sweetheart?” gordon smiled as he gestured you towards the rest of them.
he was always such a strong and respected figure that you saw him like a parent. since your first year, you’d taken classes with him and his years of extensive police work had drawn you in. gordon might’ve pushed you really hard like he wanted you to do well because he really did. in the back of his mind he knew you were brilliant and wanted to nourish it before you finally graduated.
that’s why you had a full year of research assistance under your belt thanks to him.
the men around him parted for you and you exchanged a gentle hello. “i just got here actually.”
he nods, “good. great timing. i’d like you to meet some people!” gesturing towards the people in crisp suits with swirling glasses. “this is clifford devoe.”
the name rang bells immediately from how poorly gordan talked about him in private to you. gordans eyes looked to you then to the man again, silently saying a thousand words. you fill in the blanks for him and offer your hand to clifford when he raises his to take yours.
“you must be the generous one the university appointed. it’s so nice to finally meet you.”
with your hand gently taken into his hand, the feeling of unease that radiated off of him was unmistakable. you hide the grimace that he caused when he repeats your name to you.
“hm, yes.” still holding your hand a moment too long. dragging his eyes over you before letting you pull away. “i’ve seen what you’d contributed to the study on adolescent rehabilitation and prison reform. truly sickening that we still debate the human nature of criminals.”
you’re sure you’re failing terribly at hiding your distaste now. “don’t you think it’s a little silly to attribute it all to human nature?”
from beside you gordan seems to purse his lips. though clifford scoffs and smiles small, “of course a young woman such as yourself would think so as if that’s some revolutionary thought.” laughing through his words.
the condescension was clear from his rude mouth. you could taste the bitterness he spewed.
you hum, “why of course a man such as yourself would believe no one is redeemable but him.”
from beside him, the black haired man in the suit catches your eye briefly before chuckling into his glass. narrowing your eyes at the shape of his eyebrows because they were just so familiar, the thick arches that mimicked wings. it reminded you of jason and his thick set brows that were studiously perfect without having touched them.
gordon clears his throat and nudges you softly before saying your name to change the subject.
“have you seen the completed poster with all the statistics? it looks really great, let me show you.”
before you can say anything else, he’s already been walking away, turning his head to look at you just to ensure you’re following him. with a polite and contrasting goodbye, you take your leave. feeling proud of yourself as
when you get to the poster, gordon’s standing there squinting like he’s got something bad to say. but he just shakes his head and points to the men you’d left at the bar, still conversing like no tension had ever raised.
“he pays for the damn project sweetheart, we can’t insult him no matter how much of an ass he may be.”
you shrug and sigh before mumbling. “at least not to his face right?”
despite the situation, gordan laughs. “yeah, at least not to his face.” patting your back and turning the both of you towards the poster. “now, did i tell you that they approved you as a peer-reviewed scholar once you’ve graduated?”
looking towards the statistics scattered across the large poster, you saw all the datasets you’d condensed. all the graphs and charts that you’d made and the spreadsheets that made you feel like you were losing brain cells. you didn’t think you’d get being a contributor to research paper on your record too. just being an assistant was enough. with a tilt of your head at the meticulous pie chart you made so long ago you forgot about, you hum.
“but i’m not gonna be here so how could i contribute anything anyway?”
he shakes your shoulder gently, the way the father would when he’s proud but doesn’t wanna say it with words aloud. “it won’t publish until october.”
that stopped your mind from thinking about anything else but what just came out of his mouth.
eyes widening as you turn to him. “wait, really?”
this would set you apart from other applicants in your graduate program and give you a better chance at getting into it.
he smiles with crinkles around his eyes and nods because you’d only been talking about this since you started. also because someone had already mentioned your interest to him.
“do i get any credit for that part of it?” a voice from behind you sound a d you turn to face it.
but you didn’t expect for it to be bruce wayne.
you blink at your friends dad that you’d only seen a handful of times before. now you recall how he was sat at the bar earlier, just his eyes visible and the realization of how they looked having distracted you enough. still you smile and lean forward to take his hand when he offers it.
“mr. wayne, it’s so nice to see you. i didn’t think you’d be here.”
his hand was firm and certain. righteous in a way that he radiated the energy even when you would just briefly see him.
“gordon invited me along with a couple business partners. it’s good to see you again. what’s it been? 2 years?” bruce gives a small smile while he places his drink on the table next to you. looking to gordon, bruce switches his gaze between him and the poster, “i’ve been thinking, you could go back as commissioner and implement these ideas yourself gordon.”
a snort escapes gordon as he shakes his head, “no way, and leave my cushiony tenure position?” laughing as he gestures to the poster. “you see the bridge in socioeconomic status and educational attainment? those positions don’t require degrees. they just need intelligence and compassion that comes naturally. you got a knack for those bruce.”
the two of them share a knowing glance before someone approaches gordon to ask about something with his focus group, taking away his attention. he excuses himself before he leaves you there with bruce. for a moment, it’s quiet while bruce watches the party, taking slow sips of his bourbon.
you watch with him, noticing how the people in this party were mostly the types who didn’t need to worry about these things. about the ones that are unfairly prosecuted or treated as villainous for trying to survive. no one in this room held that title the way you’d seen women and men alike being pressed. surveillance was created by them for them, to protect them.
that’s what made you want to get involved in gordon’s study. a chance to use theory and practice in a way that actually mattered.
“you think very loudly.” bruce suddenly says.
your head turns to his, still looking out at the people conversing and moving about. she’s trained over nothing and everything at once.
“my bad,” you laugh nervously.
he only shoots you another smile, “don’t be. your mind is brilliant and meant to think. don’t burn yourself out doing it too much. it’s a habit i’ve yet to get my sons to figure out too.”
sons. right.
nodding your head, you change the subject. “you know gordon pretty well?”
he nods too. “knew him back when he was still an officer. the man is a saint personified.”
distracted from the topic at hand, you try to stay focused, nodding along and silently staring at where bruce’s eyes were trained. though bruce is incredibly attentive, and he immediately notices how you’d been looking. fixing his watch that didn’t need any adjusting as he speaks.
“dick tells me jason misses you.”
nearly choking on your spit, you look to bruce again, forgetting to not look so surprised. “what?”
behind his professionalism, something turns warmer. “he’s taking academics more seriously. i’ve always told him he’s got the smarts when he puts his mind to it but i’m sure you’ve seen how shrugs it off.”
not knowing what to say, you nod him along.
“…he even applied for a couple graduate programs thanks to you and got into them all across the country.” lifting his glass and sipping.
“i didn’t know he applied.” you admit.
“it’s force of habit i guess,” he shrugs. “he didn’t even tell me when he got into gotham university. just started attending classes and brushed it off like it was no big deal which i assure you, it is.”
frowning at his fathers admission, “that’s kinda sad. he’s probably the smartest person i know.”
suddenly bruce smiles at you, his grin something more of fond remembrance. he adjusts his suit and sniffs just audible enough for you to notice. then his smile falls as he meets the eye of someone across from the room and they wave to one another.
“if you see my son, please let him know for me that his bike has been replaced. and that i need him to answer the phone when i call him.” touching your wrist softly and bidding you goodbye.
with nothing to say or actualize the fact with, you’d turned your attention back to the poster. the words swirling themselves until you’d forgotten what the last year collecting was about.
suddenly you’re glad there’s noone around to ask you about it, cause you’re not sure you’d know.
“dude just back that shit up on me.” grayson coos.
from in front of him, wally groans. “no dude, it’s not gonna fit in there anyways. just ask someone else to.”
“i’ll make it fit just shut up and do it.”
on the couch a phone rings. both of the boys ignore it and instead continuing muttering at the other. taking turns groaning as wally pushes the desk, hal shakes his head from the other side of the room.
“you guys know you could do this literally anywhere else.”
“and you could help, you know?” grayson sighs as he drops the horribly built ikea desk wally built. looking hal up and down, dick furrows his brow. “why are you even dressed like that?”
brushing off his shirt with absolutely no lint on it, hal smooths out the folds in his button up. grinning from ear to ear like a kid who’d won a prize. “I have a date.”
the boys all turn to look at him.
“oh,” wally lets the desk back on the ground, ignoring how grayson groans when it hits his foot. “a hot date huh? she got a friend?”
like perfectly horrible timing, jason’s walking into the living room. to grab his phone he’d forgotten that had unknowingly been ringing and buzzing. his eyes fall on hal on the chair immediately, trailing up his form with sharp eyes. dick clears his throat at the sight.
“your phones been ringing.” he simply says.
“yeah, i heard.” jason murmurs as he clears past hal wordlessly and heads straight to the kitchen as though he wanted nothing to do with him.
as though his very being annoyed him enough that he couldn’t spare him a glance right now. the sudden presence and departure of jason had thrown the energy of the room off for a moment, not because of him but how far hals discomfort radiated. wally takes a long look between grayson and hal before nodding towards where jason had disappeared behind the wall of.
“what’s his problem?” he sits next to hal on the couch, legs going up lazily on the coffee table.
hal opened his mouth to fill in the blanks, but grayson chimes in first, his eyes trained pointedly on hal as he answers wally. “his girl left him for some douchebag in a frat.”
awkwardly the air fills as wally nods. “right…”
“i’m gonna uh—” hal stands and leaves his cup on the table. “head out now. i’m picking her up and all.”
perched on the ikea desk, grayson nods with an expression that looks disapproving. “i expect you back around midnight cinderella. no hooking up on your first date.”
wally snorts, “hasn’t stopped him before.”
“shut up west.” effectively cutting through the tension again and reminding him who he was speaking about. “i’m serious, i’m putting the latch on after.”
the other two stay silent. hal nodding knowingly before grabbing his key and leaving them with a quiet goodbye. wally furrows his brows only minutes later as he contemplates. while the room drifts back into a silence and grayson leaves to check the kitchen only to find it empty, wally itches his chin.
“gray?” mumbling vaguely.
he hums in acknowledgment as he types away on his phone.
“is the girl he’s going out with jason’s girl?”
that gets him to look up from his phone and bring his hand out. hovering over wally’s forehead before flicking him with a sharp seething sound from his lips. grayson huffs.
“no shit sherlock. now stop straining yourself and get off your ass, get move this desk out of my living room.”
this entire situation was so fucked.
the night had hardly started and hal already fucked up in ways you knew jason would never. when he messaged you about confirming the date, he wouldn’t say where it would be. so instead, you opted to ask what to wear.
big. fucking. mistake.
never ask a man what to where to any occasion because they will give you false, misleading information and clearly hal jordan was no exception.
he told you to dress casual, something everyday, he said. thankfully you chose to wear a simple black dress otherwise you’d be entirely underdressed for this fancy restaurant he took you to. now he’s sitting across from you, flipping through the menu gracefully like he’s a food connoisseur. occasionally humming as he reads out the name of the dish to you.
“would you like the house caviar? it’s genuinely the best thing you’ll find in the tri-state area.” eyes twinkling beautifully under the romantic ambience lighting.
if it were any other period of your life, you might really, truly like him. the way he took charge and pushed to ask you out was hot. he found a way to wiggle into your life and he took what he wanted. hal was good looking, smart, and he had a good head on his shoulders. but somehow you found yourself looking into his eyes like they were interesting. found yourself staring at the orange illuminating his skin like it were the most familiar thing, and watching the flames flicker in his eyes.
staring at the flames that reminded you of him.
the warmth grew on your skin as his face morphed everytime you blinked and the love ached. your heart ached at the thought of him.
he touches your hand, “you okay?”
“huh?” you shut your eyes and look back at him quickly, shaking the distraction off. “sorry i missed what you asked.”
his thumb strokes the back of your hand soothingly. the action grounds you from the thoughts the swirled. “if you’d like caviar to try. the mussels are insane here too.”
shooting him a reassuring smile, you shake your head. “oh um, sure. whatever you’d like.”
“but would you like it?” he counters.
“probably not.” you answer honestly. “sorry.”
he smiles, “don’t apologize. it’s good to know though, next time i’ll take you somewhere not fish related.”
vaguely you nod and try to smile though you’re sure it comes out insincere. hal only frowns and squeezes your hand like he’d known you’d needed some reassurance to guide your thoughts.
“hey we can still go home.” suddenly he says. “i mean i don’t want to, shit i don’t care if jason mopes around and cries himself to sleep. i know what i want and that’s you.”
you blink slowly, letting his declaration find footing in your mind. technically he was right. you had these second thoughts because you weren’t even sure of this date would go ahead or if hal really did like you. it’s almost like he reads your mind when he tilts his head to look harder at you.
“—he doesn’t decide if we like eachother. i’d be damned if i let him get in the way of me and pretty girl just cause he fumbled her.”
the waiter comes by before you can speak through your parted lips and offers more wine. hal smiles and nods at the waiter, his warm hand still holding yours. it only occurred then that you were the one making this awkward, not him. the waiter pours your drinks and hal lifts his with his free hand, gesturing you to do the same. clinking the glasses, he swirls the cup and sips, his eyes trained on yours as you mirror him.
setting his drink back down and letting you take your hand back, hal orders for the both of you. part of you wasn’t sure how to feel, him taking that initiative to place an order of what you’d like to eat but also partially annoyed that he’d assumed what you’d like. or maybe he just did what he pleased. regardless, you were kind of glad he’d said something to the waiter cause the names of the dishes on this menu was absolutely insane. continually you look around the space, taking in the gorgeous lighting and the artwork that definitely costs thousands to maintain here. he watches your face while you stare at the tapestry behind him.
“do you like art then?”
you nod your head, still looking at the painting behind him. “i can appreciate it for sure.”
his eyes don’t falter, still staring at you while you’re looking around. “so can i.”
when you look to him, he’s got his head in one of his hands, smiling fainting with those dimples just deep enough to notice. he blinks at you, still giddy. “don’t mind me. i’m taking it in.”
you raise a brow at him. “taking in me or this place?”
“would it be wrong if i said both?”
heat rushes to his ears as soon as the words leave his mouth. it only makes you feel like imploding from how sweet he was being. fighting the urge to smile until he breaks into a soft laughter and you return the same. shaking your head and looking up the the chandelier hanging just next to you again. hal follows your gaze.
“you’ve looked at that chandelier at least eight times now.” this time looking with you like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.
“sorry,” you laugh. “i haven’t been anywhere this nice before.”
he tops off your drinks and leans his elbows on the table in improper etiquette. “don’t worry about apologizing. i’m not much fancy restaurant guy myself.”
pointedly, you eye him. his effortlessly handsome outfit and his crisp button up shirt. you narrow your eyes at him. “could’ve fooled me jordan.”
“hey,” he raises his hands in surrender. “i don’t even know what these forks are for. i usually like eating with the little one at home.”
a genuine smile returns on your face as you lean closer just as he’s been. “i’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be a sign of neurodivergence.”
“a fork?” he challenges. “you know what, you’re smart and pretty, i believe anything you say.”
lightly you smack his arm and shake your head, calling him stupid with no malice as you sipped your drink. after a couple more minutes, the waiter comes out with your food. as soon as you take a bite, you look up at him wide eyed and make a sound of approval.
hal smiles like he’s won the lottery. “yeah? it’s good?”
with your eyes still closed now, you shake your head and chew. “very good.”
pushing your plate to him, he laughs and takes a forkful to try. only seconds later moaning egregiously enough that the older people in the tables next to you have dirty looks.
“this, is better than sex.” he admits more loudly than he needs to.
“really selling yourself short there,” you laughed.
blinking he laughs. “i mean, sex is objectively good right. but if the girls not feeling it then it’s never good. as a man, i’m objectively not as good as this pasta.”
this only makes you laugh harder. “that still didn’t make any sense.”
your mind eases off of jason for a while as he presses you for information about school and your future. he listens so intently that it makes you feel respected and valued. though this doesn’t last long because you’re left thinking about jason again before you’re trying to shake it off to no avail. the comparisons were hard to ignore.
hal had ordered the caviar he was anxiously wanted you to try and reluctantly you’d made some excuse not to. hal shrugs and eats the rest while you’re not sure whether to be endeared or slightly horrified. but even this wasn’t an issue.
the problem was exactly that. hal jordan had no red flags for you to focus on. nothing for you to say so you could argue that you weren’t ready or that he was rude enough to warrant never seeing him again. he was quite the opposite of being crude. the date was far from terrible. he’d picked you up from your place and even came up to your floor to walk you down. flowers waited for you on the passenger seat once he got you there.
even after the dinner was over and hal had paid for the bill, he wrapped his coat around you and respectfully walked you of the building with a hovering hand. still unsure if he could touch you but not ready enough to ask to. he held the door open as he let you back into his car. drove you back to your apartment and walked you up the stairs all over again.
shamefully, all you could backtrack to was jason.
all you could imagine was the parallels to him at your front door, waiting for you to open it. now you were opening your heart to a boy you didn’t pay much mind to a month ago, no matter how physically attractive he was.
but hal had no problems to blame your inability to fall into to. no real issues to back up this feeling that he wasn’t yours because he isn’t jason.
you unlock your front door and push it open, standing in he doorway with the lillies he’d bought you. he stands behind you with his hands in his pocket and a sweet smile that should’ve made you melt, instead you felt like stone.
“thank you for tonight hal. i had a lot of fun.”
shrugging and nodding with that perfect, unfamiliar look on his face, he speaks. “i did too. i really hope i can take you out again soon, maybe something less fancy? this time i can cook for you?”
the thought only made you swirl further.
distant memories that felt closer than before reappeared. jason cooking in your kitchen with a soft hum coming from his throat as he chopped and stirred. him feeding you something saucy and cheesy before he kissed your lips to wipe the residue off. his hands travelling down your thighs while he pressed against you with his lame apron still on. his voice by your ear saying all the sweet things you’d ever wanted to hear. now you wanted to vomit.
you nod, looking into each of hal’s eyes and letting him lean in closer as he stares at your lips. the intention was clear and you felt frozen in place, but it translates as permission. as want as you stare longingly not at him but through him and imagine the face of the boy you love so dearly.
he leans further in and presses his soft lips to yours, deepening it as his hand came up to hold your head. though you don’t move from your place. you didn’t reach out to touch his head back or let go of the flowers. instead your grip loosened a little and you let your head go a little limp as he held you closer, though his lips somehow felt colder than the last ones you’d touched. then he pulls away, gasping slightly and smiling with his eyes closed in satisfaction.
“you’re so perfect.” whispering before he kisses your cheek and pulls away. “good night gorgeous.”
a shudder runs through you.
listening as his footsteps depart and you stand there with the flowers hanging low, petals facing the floor. after a minute you quietly slip into your house, a new sense of discomfort bubbling. you shut the door behind you and lean against it, flows slipping from your fingers and hitting the floor with a soft thud. a shudder runs though you.
you’re not sure how many minutes are spent like this, thoughts swirling you around and taking root in your mind. the thoughts of jason and unease guilt that you didn’t believe you should even harbour.
somehow you felt angry, not with hal, and not even with jason, but with yourself.
slow, hot years rush down your cheeks as you bury your head in your hands.
what the fuck were you doing?
the door shuts behind him with a thud, a soft groan on his lips as he slips his shoes off.
everyone should be asleep in the frat house now. it’s nearly 1am and he’s lucky grayson didn’t lock hal out. but there’s a light on in the kitchen, and something told him he wasn’t going to be let off so easily.
quietly hal creeps toward the kitchen, pulling off his belt as he approaches and leaves it on the table in the hall like he’d had a long day at work.
“how’s your date?” a voice grumbles.
hal nearly jumps, “jeez, fuck—jason? what’re you doing up?”
from the dining table jason grumbles again. dimly lit but just visible enough, hal spots a beer and a ashtray in front of him. “couldn’t sleep.”
stalking a little closer, hal turns on another light. “waiting up for me to get home i assume?”
“doesn’t matter,” he quickly answers. “whatever forget i asked.” getting up and throwing his beer out.
hal only stands there, watching him move and murmuring a quiet, “alright then…”
then jason turns around. he freezes in the doorway before he turns to hal, something on his face that meant he was serious. “just don’t… hurt her, alright?”
“you mean like you did?” crossing his arms across his chest as he blankly stares at jason.
“yeah,” jason agrees, his eyes shining with a soft sheen that told hal he was clearly emotional while he was out. then he resorts to threatening. “don’t do what i did cause i swear to god i’ll make you regret it jordan.”
though hal sees how he seemed defensive without any real malice. jason seems genuinely sad as though he’s realized what he done just as he was weeks ago, moping around the house. this time he only seemed defeated, and it didn’t seem worth it to keep dragging jason’s past along.
easing back toward the table, hal shrugs him off. “look man,” he sighs, “you don’t have anything to worry about.”
jason perks up a little as he look back up again. “what do you mean?”
“i mean,” shuffling his feet as he mentally prepares himself to reassure jason. “she seemed distracted the whole night. like she’s in her own head thinking about something else. it wasn’t until we got to her apartment that she—”
before he knew it jason was in his face, dangerously close. “you went to her home?” anger in his tone.
“i didn’t go into her home, i just dropped her off to her front door. no big deal. it’s not like we fucked or anything.”
his mouth opens and closes again like he’s going to ask him something but he doesn’t. instead he takes a backwards step and nods slowly. “right. good. you should be seeing her get home. it’s uh, safer that way.”
squinting his eyes like jason was entirely transparent despite how he tried to make himself seem, hal shakes his head. the tension falls from its rising crescendo and hal leans onto the table as jason anxiously taps his foot. the two of them unsure how to proceed from here. then grayson walks into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing at his eyes.
“you idiots whisper yell very loudly.” turning his head to hal to hone in on him. “didn’t i say be back earlier?”
“well you don’t lock the door.” shooting a cheeky smile that grayson doesn’t find amusing.
jason uses the opportunity to excuse himself and takes a bottle of water from the fridge. tugging on the drawstrings of his hoodie as he walks out. “night.”
the two boys return the sentiment and grayson turns back to hal, before jason is too far to miss their words. “how’d it go? you kiss her?”
from the staircase, jason stayed put there and held his breath. waiting for hal’s response to what he knew he had no right to be angry over. the milliseconds it takes him to respond felt like an eternity to jason.
hal chuckles quietly, “it went good. really good. i’m gonna take her out again next week.”
grayson nods expectantly. “you didn’t answer the second part.”
“yeah,” hal starts with a fond smile on his face, “i kissed her.”
letting out a slow, controlled breath from his nose, jason stares into the abyss ahead of him. at the dark unlit hallway that lead to his room and stalks towards it without thinking about it.
he doesn’t stay long enough to hear what his brother says and goes straight to his room.
your only lecture today was the most boring one to date.
students had fallen asleep on their desks across the lecture hall, theatre seating giving you great view to see exactly what everyone was up to. you were still distracted from the events that unfolded this the last week alone and how you’d done a date with hal only two days prior.
the thing is, you hadn’t told anyone about it yet. you hadn’t seen cassandra or grayson. you hadn’t even heard roy’s loud mouth in a week let alone seen jason.
now you were finishing up your notes and cross referencing it to the readings to understand what concepts overlapped. highlighting the theories that worked in contemporary cases and found something to discredit it for your final paper coming up. the professor spoke quickly as he went through the importance of ethics as a researcher. how you’d need to inform the participant of their role in your work and how they play an important part in pinpointing change.
how it was your job to be honest and responsible. to ensure you’ve spoke nothing but the truth to the people you’d involved. all you wanted now was to talk to jason. not that you’re sure what you’d say, just that his voice could ease your mind from everything else.
once the lecture is over, you’re the first one to leave. a sweet treat and coffee was in order for the fruits of your labour today—getting out of bed and going to a lecture.
the cafe air is always warm and inviting. the scent of arabian beans and baked goods drawing you closer to the counter. it’s a blessing that it’s located right at the edge of campus too, so when the library was too packed, you’d head here.
you take your drink and a house made brownie to head to the booth seat by the window. watching the clear blue sky and listening to the chatter in the cafe. you pull out your laptop and notebook, cracking your knuckles in anticipation for what awaits you and how much studying you needed to catch up on. no matter how hard you prepared, there was always more to do in university. plus, being a research assistant meant you’d have to push your work work aside to aid in a project.
though right as you open a new tab and click your pen, you see him.
jason walked into the store with his headphones on and his bag slung over his shoulder. he heads straight for the booth in front of you and ouuuu track his movements without making it obvious. though when he passes by your table, he slows down. his eyes fall over you as fast as he looked away, and you feel a sense of disappointment wash over you. then, he just slides into his seat and all you can see is his hair poking out the top of the booth from tall he is in comparison.
why were you disappointed that he didn’t really say hi, you’re the one who kinda ghosted him.
to yourself you blink. at the laptop you blink harder. no, you’re not being crazy right? why didn’t he reach out anyway? is this all justified to him like he doesn’t really even care? you guys have been studying together for a while now, and he always joins you so boyfriend or not, why didn’t he? aren’t you guys friends?
you’re standing up before you know it, grabbing your things and roughly shoving it in your bag. the reasoning had convinced you enough that he was the one being weird because he totally was. didn’t jason even say you did nothing wrong the other night?
“hey,” you say standing next to his booth.
he lifts his headphone from one ear, “uh hi.”
“why didn’t you sit with me?”
blinking as he pauses his music, jason slides his headphones off and gestures you to sit. quietly you do.
“i assumed you were busy.” he says as you sit.
“i wasn’t.” more timidly than you intended to.
he shrugs slightly, “it looked like you were.”
for a moment you still. maybe you were right. maybe he doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. but why won’t he just say it out loud?
jason fiddles with his headphones for a second before he decides the grain of the wooden table was more interesting. you however, weren’t amused. in fact, you were quite confused as to why he’d been avoiding you entirely.
“was it something that i said?“ plainly, you ask.
jason sighs and looks you in the eyes fully for the first time since you sat down. “we haven’t talked in days, what could you have said?”
“exactly,” nodding his sentiment along, “you’ve been avoiding me and i can’t figure out why…”
“i’ve just been busy.” he lies.
“liar.” you call him out. “we have the same classes.”
with his hands, he gestures slyly. “look,” not realizing how his tone gave him away. “you didn’t say anything wrong.”
“so i did something then.” you correct.
jason grumbles and says your name. “no, now you’re putting words in my mouth. we, you and i, we’re good. you don’t owe me anything ma. i just want you to be happy.”
the nickname makes your stomach flutter regardless. jason looks to his phone to a message from roy and sighs before standing up again.
but you’re thinking over the meaning behind his words. i just want you to be happy. you don’t owe me anything. where the hell was that coming from?
“i gotta go.” shoving his headphones into his bag and getting out of the booth.
“oh, already?” you try and fail to hide your disappointment.
he only nods, “i’ll see you around princess.”
then he walks off.
the meaning behind his words only swirled you more confused. the thoughts filling your mind and sending mixed signals throughout. his sudden cold demeanour had you thinking and overthinking, letting them sink through the fabric of your clothes and onto your skin like a brand you felt shameful wearing as it clicked.
fuck, jason knew.
—
“you’ve gotta be kidding me.”
grayson has always been terrible at hiding his actual feelings with you. he could hardly even mask it as he stretches his legs out for his run and shakes his head.
“you’re still in love with him. of course you are! you guys are both playing racket ball with my last couple of brain cells.” pulling his leg behind him into a deep stretch.
burying your face in the pillow on his bed, you try not to scream.
lucky jason wasn’t home according to grayson. he had gone up to the cottage to grab his bike apparently and decided to spend the weekend there so he wouldn’t be back until monday.
folding to lay his palms flat in the ground, he effortlessly continues. “i never liked the hal thing for the record. i’d prefer keeping you in the family.”
“gray, you’re not helpful at all.” you murmur from his pillow.
sighing, he stands upright. “alright. fine. you tell me then.” striding closer and ruffling you hair obnoxiously. “do you really love him?”
from the pillows you lift your head and look up at his watchful eyes, a arch in his brow that demanded honesty. slowly you nod.
“i think he made me understand what it means and i’ll always want him.” you admit.
grayson shakes his head at your response as you sit upright. “that’s not what i asked though. do you love him? because if you’re using hal to move on, that’s a disservice to both of you. hal and yourself.”
“not jason?” you raise a brow.
“nope.” he quickly answers. “that boy made his bed the first time he messed with you. everything else is fair game in my mind.”
that pulls a genuine laugh out of you. his honesty only making his statement funnier to you.
“aye, i’m serious. jason hurt you once, so i’m not sweating you trying to move on, even if it’s a little fast for you.” patting your shoulder softly as he moves back towards the door.
though a sinking guilt still held you, he made you feel a little better. “thanks gray.”
“anytime,” he smiles. “now you have no excuse to miss the party i’m throwing you.”
everything in your face drops, both in disbelief and shock. “for me? what?”
this only makes him smile wider. “ha, perfect keep that surprised face when everyone shows up. it’s not everyday someone gets into grad school like haven’t been gushing over it since their first year.”
before you can grumble his name or protest another party after last weekends where jason vaguely told you, “you did nothing ma.” grayson is already out the door. stomping down the stairs as his open door lets the sound of his voice travel.
“wear something nice please!”
the walk over to the frat house was obnoxious as the campus was packed. people gathered across the field with drinks and blankets, music and loud students celebrating their final days on campus.
there was no choice for you but to attend since grayson practically forced you to go.
opening the door to the house was where you saw just how much bigger this party was than he told you. loud music and synthetic smoke mixed to create a barrier that could make you feel intoxicated just by being there.
by the stairs, there was a group of people lounging and smoking. a huge bong between them and a couple joints being passed between the group. then there was people just standing near the door, lingering and talking. mostly flirting. in the living room was a game of spin the bottle and another group dancing to dancehall.
you hear your name being called just seconds before someone hands you a drink and you gracefully accept. grayson approaches you and eyes the cup.
“what’re you doing accepting random drinks when i made you a special punch eh?” wrapping his arm around your shoulder and walking you both towards the kitchen.
you laugh as he spins you by your finger and whistles at your outfit. “you actually listened and wore a skirt.”
gushing beside him is donna, roy’s arm lazily around her waist. “oh my god. you look so hot!”
taking in her attire you admire her. her black dress with sparkles that looked stars in a night sky. she was so effortlessly gorgeous.
“thanks.” you smile. “so are you. that dress is made for you.”
donna laughs and picks up a solo cup, handing it to grayson to pour as roy nods his head at you. then he whispers in her ear and grayson steals your attention once again bu handing you a full cup of punch that you just knew was 90% alcohol and 10% punch.
“this, my beautiful friend, is made solely for you.”
clinking his plastic cup with yours before taking a swig. reluctantly you do the same, taking a long sip of the drink made to inebriate you clearly. the taste made you wince and shake your head, hanging your tongue out of your mouth as you grimace.
“what did you put in this grayson?” you wince.
he laughs and rubs your back as you cough. “oh you know, seltzer, lime, vodka, don’t worry about it. it’s mean to get you drunk and let loose before you’re in that stuck up institution without me.”
“you’re in an institution right now.” you blink.
for a moment he thinks, then he shrugs. “whatever, did you eat yet?”
“uh. not dinner if that’s what you mean.”
he tsks at you and opens the cabinet, tossing a protein bar at you. you catch it and eye the bar before his face like you’d asked, why without saying the words. he gets it of course.
“cause i don’t want you puking at a party meant for you. so eat it please.” he kisses the back of your head dramatically and you could already tell just how drunk he was.
humourlessly, you let out a small laugh and shake your head. but you don’t miss when grayson catches roy’s eye. he tilts his head and mouths something that you would’ve missed if his distraction had worked. roy looks to grayson and shrugs, and his words you can make out.
i don’t know.
“girl,” donna snaps you out of your trance. “you look too good to stand around. dragging you out of the kitchen by your wrists.
you’re still sipping your drink as she pulls you over, needing the liquid courage to get you right to cope with this. she’s pulling you into the empty space and starting to dance a little while you rest your drink on the table. swaying her hips next to yours and humming thoughtfully to the song.
“come on!” she laughs and you can’t help but laugh too.
the liquid swirling you with more confidence as you start to raise your hands and let the beat thump through your body. slowly, you bring your arms up and up your body, swaying and letting your hair fall behind you. donna’s got her hands on your hips experimentally, moving you around and whooping. you play along and grind on her like she’s your man here. then you see stephanie and cassandra just lounging by the couches and you gesture them over.
they rise and dance with eachother, inching closer until all you could smell radiating off of everyone nearby was the intoxicating marijuana and alcohol that ruined you like no other.
but the name didn’t stick, and the blunt from between cassandra’s fingers made its way to your lips as she placed it there. smiling at you and loudly saying, “i’m glad you left your house smarty pants.”
you roll your eyes and blow out the smoke, the sensations intensifying as you grew more intoxicated. leaning closer to her face, you whisper yell, “why don’t you go dance with your girlfriend yeah?”
cassandra laughs and offers you another hit that you so gracefully accept, twirling as you take a long drag and pass it back over. she moves her way back towards stephanie and does the same in putting the blunt between her lips. you catch stephanie hollowing her cheeks and urging her closer, blowing the smoke right in her mouth.
you couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that rose inside you. what they had, you wanted so badly. you practically had it with jason, but now your here swirling in your thoughts because a smell and an action now attributed itself to him in your mind. slowly you sway over and slow your dancing, the thoughts filling you up in a way you hated.
a hand grazes your side and spins you to face them. a smile on his face that practically echoed his intentions.
“hey gorgeous.” hal greets you. “you look real good.”
you blink up at him, a little tipsy and definitely a little high. the cross fade making you open enough to lower your inhibitions. you smile back.
“hi hal, so do you.” letting his hands go around your waist so he could move with you slowly.
the people around you are grinding on eachother, but you knew well enough that that’s not why you wanted. instead, you move his hands that travelled lower and place them on your waist. he doesn’t even question it and lets you use him for support as you grabbed your cup and took another sip.
from the corner of your eye you see a girl touching up on a guy, his back turned so all you could see was the ripple of hard muscle under his shirt. but the way he moved was too familiar.
your breath hitched as you watched the scene unfold.
the redheaded girl dragged her hand down his chest as he turns to the side, one of his hands hovering over hers and the other flat at his side. she’s mouthing something close to his ear and he tilts his head to hear it. the air from the room felt like it was being sucked out as you saw his face. the girl giggles as jason whispers back, and you feel your heart pounding in your chest.
quickly you turn away and take a giant gulp. unknowingly you had been gripping at hal’s chest and he had just let you. his eyes followed where yours had led and he frowns slightly as you pull away to down your drink.
“you okay?” he suddenly asks.
you clear your throat. “yeah, i’m fine,” fake smiling to sell your words.
“don’t do that,” he rasps in your ear. “it’s okay to still love him.”
that takes you back and you look up to him, his hands still locked around your waist.
“what?” you quietly say.
he smiles like it’s the easiest thing. “you heard me. it’s not a crime to be in love. hell, he’s a lucky guy to have a woman as beautiful and driven as you.”
the implication made your face burn. he knew you’d been in love with jason all this time, but he didn’t want to make you feel bad about it.
your lips part as you rasp his name as though in apology. though hal just shakes his head.
“it’s okay, i’m fine. i knew you liked him all this time, i kinda assumed so when you declined the second date but i thought i could get you to understand there was more out there. more than him but part of me just always knew, it would always be jason.” smiling sweetly.
taking a moment to look into his eyes, you gauge his sincerity. hal only mirrors everything he said because he meant it deeply, and that somehow made it worse. you feel your heart twist.
“i’m sorry,” voice breathy as you purse your lips.
he just smiles and shakes his head, looking up to where jason was before he spins you around. “let’s dance over there yeah?”
feeling his energy shift, you frown and turn around anyway.
big mistake.
you could feel your heart breaking into couple dozen pieces. the girl had her hands in his hair as though they’d just kissed, and you’re standing here feeling like an idiot as she runs her fingers through jason’s hair.
suddenly this party didn’t feel so fun anymore. a small sigh escapes you as you abruptly turn back around to hal, hand touching his chest like you needed it to keep you sane. he clasps his hand over yours and tilts your head up at him.
“it’s okay,” he whispers close by your ear. “you can show him what he’s missing.”
before you could ask what he’d met, he lowers his face to yours and presses his lips against you. a gentle peck meant to prove something that you weren’t even sure you wanted to show. a muffled sound of surprise gets swallowed by his as he deepens the kiss, opening one of his eyes just to see if jason was looking. you feel him smile against your lips as your wide eyes watch his, looking past you to ensure that jason knew exactly what he meant by what he’d been missing.
jason never wanted to come to this party. he’d told grayson as much when called him and told him to stay longer at the cottage because he didn’t want him to bother you.
he was happy for you of course. the fact that you’d gotten into the school of your choice and got what you’d deserve was everything he could have ever hoped for. you were the one person he was sure deserved every part of this.
though jason couldn’t stay in those four walls any longer and not think about how close he was to having you again.
the memories rang like church bells on a sunday morning. there was no escaping it.
now he’s come back to the frat house to go rot in his room when he found that someone already made their way up here and stole his bong. entirely annoyed and grumpy over many different reasons, he made his way downstairs, still in his black tee and grey sweatpants like he didn’t belong there.
as soon as he’s met with the scent of alcohol, jason grimaces from the last time he’d been drinking and recalled the events. he moves his way towards the living room to get away from all the things mixed in the punch that’s was in the kitchen.
though only two steps into the living room, he sees you—dancing. a slight wick of sweat on your brow as you moved carefree, hands on your friends shoulders while her hands were in the air. the way you moved was intoxicating enough for him. the air tightened and the room quieted as he saw you there and jason felt himself moving closer without even realizing, just magnetized to you especially now.
he made it a point to see who else was nearby, watching stephanie take cassandra’s hand and dance closer. then he averted his gaze to the men by the wall and saw the one person he definitely didn’t want to see.
hal fucking jordan.
the blood in his veins boiled for reasons he didn’t want to voice. something tore through his skin like it wanted to break free and grab him by the collar. part of jason wanted to physically fight him, no reason than for how close he’d gotten to you. but you kissed him. or maybe hal kissed you. either way jason knew you well enough to know you wouldn’t kiss him if you didn’t like him or at least didn’t see it heading that way.
jason sighs lowly as he sees hal down the rest of his cup and make his way over to you.
maybe he should get to you first, he thought.
no, you’re happy. at least you looked happy.
he talks himself out of it just as hal touches your hip. still halfway through lunging at him, someone touches jason’s shoulder and he turns to see roy standing next to a redheaded girl.
“jason, my friend here said she thinks you’re good looking.” straight to the point, roy says.
the girl smiles sheepishly, “hi.” her voice hoarse like she’d drank too much already. inebriated enough to have no social awareness.
roy smiles and steps behind her, shooting a wink at jason before leaving them to it. jason cusses under his breath before she drags her hand down his chest.
“woah, you’re like really fit.” giggling as she traces her hands down his pecks.
laughing uncomfortably, he takes her hands gently off his chest. “uh, thanks. did you come here with your friends?”
she hums and leans closer to him, the heady scent of alcohol on her breath as she gets closer. “they don’t mind though. do you mind?”
he looks over her shoulder to see hal with his hands around your waist, speaking in your ear too intimately for his comfort. he tenses at the action but watches as you do the same, your hand at your side clenching and your nails digging into your palms. watching as you bite your lip, not in the way he loved when you wanted him to touch you, but as though you were uncomfortable.
jason turns his attention back to her as she loops her fingers through his belt loops and quickly grabs her hands.
“woah, woah.” still uncomfortably laughing as he presses her hands to her stomach trying hard to keep her away. then he lets her go. “easy.”
“what?” she giggles, running her hands up his back and through his hair. “you got a girlfriend or something?”
immediately he nods, “yeah actually i’m supposed to go meet her so.” he backs up and takes her hands off him once again.
jason looks left and right and spots roy watching from afar. a stupid grin on his face as he waves at jason. giving him an annoyed look, jason gestures him closer and he reluctantly comes. feet slow as he approaches like jason’s an animal that could pounce on him at any moment.
“hey you two,” he points. “you guys alright?”
jason’s scoffs, “yeah asshole. can you make sure she gets to her friends? i don’t think she should be alone this off drunk.”
the girl scoffs too, “i’m perfectly fine actually.”
he shoots her a look before looking back to roy. the girl waves him off annoyed and moves behind roy to text on her phone. though roy puts his hand over his shoulder and sighs.
“look man, i was just trying to help. i mean she’s moved on, i feel like you should too. get laid and get over her y’know?” gripping his shoulder tight with one hand.
“no,” jason shakes his head. “i’m perfectly fine how i am, thanks.”
“i don’t know dude. i feel like all this yearning isn’t healthy.” roy shrugs and sips his beer.
jason pulls his arm off of him and sideeyes roy like he’s personally offended him. “hal said they kissed, sure, but i don’t think she really likes him like that.”
“really?” roy says with a grimace on his face, pointing ahead as he stares. “are you sure about that?”
“what do you mean?”
heart pounding in his chest as he follows roy’s gaze to where you stood. reality felt like it had sped through fast and time was slipping from between his fingers. the music faded like a dramatic movie as he watched hal, kissing you.
his lips parted as he watched, mouth gape and his hands balled into fists.
his filthy hands touched your chin and pulled you closer while the other rested on your waist. he watched as he deepened the kiss and leaned closer into you, back arching slightly as your hand unclenched and opened in the air.
taking the beer from roy’s hand, jason abruptly turns. “you have my car keys no?” he suddenly asks.
roy stammers, pulling the keys from his pocket, “yeah but, are you okay? considering what you just saw—”
jason grabs the keys and walks away quickly. making his way through the crowd and out to the garage, shutting the door behind him shut.
it was clear to him now—you were happier without him around.
—
only the loud bass and the thumping in your chest could be heard from between you. parting from hal, your hand immediately went up to your mouth. cupping your lips and wiping them unintentionally as you blinked up at him.
“what was that for?” huffing as you stared at him.
“what? i thought you wanted him to know you’re okay without him too.” he furrows his brows.
horrified, you turn around to where jason stood and find him nowhere to be seen. you flicker your gaze over the crowd, over the people, over the dancing bodies and the smoke filled air—but nothing. jason wasn’t here anymore.
he was leaving again.
you push slightly as hal’s chest. “i know you mean well but, i didn’t want him to think—”
“shit,” hal interrupts, his hand at the back of his own neck rubbing soothingly. “i just assumed. fuck, i’m really sorry, i thought… i should’ve asked.”
you were sure you had tears in your eyes now. the thought of jason having to see you with someone else made you feel like your blood had frozen over.
you stammer as you back away from him. “i have to find him.”
in recognition, he nods. “yeah, of course. i can explain it to him if anything.”
but you’ve already run from the living room, storming through the crowd like a madwoman. pushing past the drunk people in the hallway and storming up the stairs to his room.
you put the door open and jason isn’t there. just as fast as you went up, you ran back down, heart thumping in your ears as you caught a glimpse of roy sitting on the couch with the same girl as earlier in his lap. you stride right over to them.
“roy,” you gasp. “where’s jason?”
immediately he sees the raw emotion on your face. the way the colour seemed to drain from it and how you seemed like you were about to throw up from the looks of it. his expression shifts from the flirty front he puts on into the friendly, caring one he only recently exposed to you.
he nods slowly. “he took his car keys from me and left. he didn’t say where though i’m sorry.”
the girl in his lap tilts her head at you, clearing sizing you up. “isn’t that the grump tall guy? girl don’t even bother, he said he’s got a girlfriend.”
the pang in your chest only tightens as you realized he didn’t even kiss this girl. he told her he had a girlfriend and you knew there was no one else. he was talking about you. and now he’s seen you seemingly making out with hal in his brothers frat and everything fell into place. like pieces of a puzzle that was horribly mixed up.
roy snaps you out of it when he speaks up.
“i parked in the garage if that helps.” his lips in a small frown like he were sorry.
you nod as you back away and head straight for the garage door. feeling tears welling in your eyes and a pit in your stomach as you inch closer.
what if he left already?
what if he’s come to the conclusion that this was all too hard to deal with and he was better off just finding someone new when he got one of those grad schools across the country?
part of you felt guilty now for ever even trying with hal when you don’t feel the spark you desperately craved from one person. but you kept telling yourself you should try. that jason was ignoring you because he had already decided for the both of you.
by the time you get to the door and push it open, you feel entirely sober by his car still there.
you sigh in relief as you get to the passenger seat and yank it open. sitting in the chair quickly and shutting the door behind you just to find jason sitting there gripping the steering wheel like it was the only thing grounding him right now.
your name on his tongue was sweeter than it should’ve been on these circumstances.
“what’re you doing here?” he sighs. “shouldn’t you be in there?”
steadying yourself you purse your lips and bite your tongue. jason furrows his brows and tilts his head at you.
“hey,” making you turn to him still unable to entirely meet your gaze. “are you okay?”
you nod as your lip trembles. how do you tell him that you’re madly in love with him and even with a new, perfect guy, all you can imagine is jason.
his demeanor shifts at your inability to respond.
“did he,” jason starts. “did hal fucking hurt you?”
“no, jason.” picking at your nails and sighing. “he didn’t do anything wrong.”
then, slowly, he nods as if in realization. face slipping back to the same blank compliance as before. “right. he’s your boyfriend, sorry.”
“he’s not my boyfriend jason.” you snap. “god, you ignore me all week and then you make think you’re making out with some random girl.”
projecting like you weren’t the one kissing someone else. though that’s besides the point.
“hey, i wasn’t kissing anyone.” flickering his eyes over your face, taking in the way your skin paled. “i swear, i didn’t.”
“why not?” unable to hide the way your voice broke. “i mean i hurt you. i wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to write me off.”
that makes him scoff more harshly than he intended. “why would i do that when i have…” stopping himself. “when i don’t want them?”
his response only makes you feel worse though the way he was holding himself back from admitting the truth, it only makes you want it more.
“why not?” the words come out small.
jason furrows his brows. “why?”
“yeah,” you look at him, tears still glazing over your eyes. “why not?”
“because,” he stammers. “there’s no timeline on moving on. you can do whatever you want so i can also take my time no?”
“please, you’ve been avoiding me like a sickness and staring at hal like he kicked your dog.”
clenching his jaw, jason sighs heavily. “that’s not true.”
“isn’t it?” scoffing as you watch the side of his face. “you hate me and him and it’s my fault.”
groaning out your name like it hurt to say, “i don’t hate you. i could never hate you.”
“then why are you ignoring me?” you ask, interrupting him before he can do it to you. “and why aren’t you coming to class? or ever here when come to see grayson or hal—”
but that clearly pushed a button and jason snaps.
“because i can’t fucking stand him!” he raises his voice.
the sound taking you aback and a small scoff escapes past your lips as you watch him breathe heavier. nodding your head, you turn completely towards him in your seat and tuck a foot under your knee just to look directly at his face.
“you could stand him perfectly fine a couple weeks ago when he wasn’t going out with me.” crossing your arms as you stare at him.
his head shakes as he grips the steering wheel tightly. “it’s not that simple and you know it.”
“oh please, enlighten me then jason.” you press on, entirely over this situation and needing him just as badly as you wanted to hate him.
“you—” he starts and stops again.
you’re watching him as he shuts his eyes and lets out a deep exhale. suddenly he looks up to your side and trails his gaze over your face, lifting his fingers towards you like he’s twitching just to touch you.
in his eyes, you find the same adoration you’ve always loved, but now it’s accompanied by a bitter taste. he presses on.
“when i see you with him, i feel like i’m suffocating. like the air around me has been sucked away and i can’t do anything about it cause i did it to myself.”
parting your lips as you watch him confess what he’s hidden for weeks, you listen. brows upturning as he shakily breaths out your name.
“it’s selfish, i know. you’re your own person and i ruined us with all the lies. so you’re more than allowed to date other people. i just can’t… i—i can’t be around it. i won’t.” gulping as he looks at your hands in your lap now, wanting badly to hold them in his. “i know there’s too much baggage between us and i i hurt you but part of me thought we’d figure it out?”
his tone upturned at the end as though he’d contemplated within himself before voicing it.
“—is that why you’re leaving?” interrupting his thoughts and barely concealing the emotions that threatened to spill over. “because of me?”
something in his eyes seem to soften then, flickering and fanning out like all hope had dissipated.
his voice is quiet and unsure as he rasps. “what?”
“you don’t have to lie jason and you sure as shit don’t have to avoid me like the plague. i just wanted to feel wanted like a person and not a fucking prize.” slow tears slipping down your warm cheeks. “you never told me you were going to leave me though.”
taking a large gulp, he shakes his head. “i was never going to leave you.”
but you’re shaking your head. “i know you applied to grad schools across the country and i know you got it. i just can’t understand why you hid that part from me.”
furrowing his brows like he’s trying to understand where you got to that conclusion, he looks deep in thought. then recognition flickers behind his eyes and he leans closer, clasping your hands in his. staring into your eyes like he were sorry. you sniffle as he takes your hands and try not to sob at how royally you’d felt like you’d fucked this up.
“bruce told you at gordon’s event didn’t he? fuck, i wanted to be the one to do it.” he searches your face when you look down into your lap. though jason follows your head and tilts his. “i’m sorry. i said no more lies and i hid this.”
he leans even closer, enough to smell your perfume and the slight intoxicating scent of lingering weed illuminating between you. jason sighs and holds back his own emotions. “i feel like i’m always apologizing to you like an idiot.”
between quiet sniffles you find yourself leaning closer to him, searching unconsciously for comfort. you lean your head onto his shoulder.
“you’re not an idiot. i just can’t stand to lose you jay.” the quiet admission slips.
immediately he cradles your head there, leaning his own head on top of yours and gently touching your cheek. he whispers a small shaky noise that sounded to your name before he takes a shallow breath.
“you’re allowed to be happy. if he’s making you happy then i want that for you.”
you pull away to look at him, the motion evident all over your face now that he could see it again.
“damn it jason, i’m not fucking happy! i didn’t move on,” elevating your voice like you were speaking to yourself more than him. probably still more intoxicated than you felt. “i don’t love hal. i don’t, love anyone else but—” you cut yourself off.
the car suddenly feels a lot smaller. the doors seemingly doing nothing to make you feel closer to jason despite how close you say next to another. the silence stretched for what felt like minutes but was only seconds.
but jason, his eyes were glued to yours.
“you love someone else?” voice small as he carefully watches you. waiting patiently for you to fill in blanks he desperately wanted to be right about.
slowly, you nod as a tear slips down your face. “you jason. it’s you.”
his hands touch your face delicately. thumb grazing over the warm tear as he held you close. from how close you say now, you could see the tears welling in his eyes and the relief that flooded as he switched between your eyes.
“you love me?” breathlessly, he said.
unable to say anything through your broken tears, a sob breaks out as you nod. jason presses his forehead to yours and whispers your name, over and over like he’s counting his blessings.
“please,” he rasps, “please say it. i want to hear it ma, please.”
between sobs, you melt against him. tearing wetting your lashes and his skin.
“i love you jason todd. i love you so much that it’s causing me physical pain.” laughing a little at the end as he joins you.
“yeah baby? well, the feeling is mutual and i love you more than i’ve ever loved anything or anyone.” gazing into your eyes like it held the key to all of his prayers.
pulling you closer like there wasn’t a dashboard between you. all resolve crumbs as you climb over it and into his lap, straddling him tight. his hand grazes over you hair and pushes it back as he makes you face him, wiping the tear streaks from your skin. he shushes you as you sniffle.
“don’t cry baby, i’m not leaving. i’m never leaving you again. you hear me?” kissing your cheeks as you pull at his shirt. “i didn’t pick a school yet. i haven’t chosen one because i can’t breathe if you’re not close.”
you hum as you pull at his shirt again, tugging him closer and letting him lean you against the steering wheel. pulling his hair back to watch his handsome face smile up at you. your eyes flicker to his lips and he smiles brightly as he drops his hands to your thighs, kneading the plush there.
“you want something princess?” teasing despite the circumstances.
you can’t help but laugh and roll your eyes. “just kiss me already jason.”
“for you? anything.”
then he’s on you, pressing his perfect lips to yours. it feels like your floating over yourself as he deepens it, holding you tight against him as shops his tongue down your throat. you him into his mouth, moaning lowly as you hips mindlessly shift against him. jason groans and bucks his hips slightly, biting your lip to make the sweet sound slip past your lips and to his ears.
“baby,” he rasps against your mouth.
though you don’t part, instead you tug at his shirt and pull up the hem. jason gets the message immediately, letting you pull it up enough for him to take it off all the way. his shirt is off when you trail your fingers down his abs, touching the hard muscle that you missed like a pillow. you graze your fingers up and down while you kiss down his jaw, eliciting a gorgeous moan from him that felt like music to your ears.
fumbling with your skirt while you undid his belt, you could feel how hard he was beneath you.
“are you sure?” breathlessly he says while you nip up by his ear.
nodding, you moan against his skin, biting the love and kneading it with your teeth.
“yeah jay.” you rasp. “i need you.”
it’s enough to spur him further, hiking up your skirt as you push his jeans down with his boxers. you feel his hard length against your bare inner thigh, painfully hard and leaking in your need.
he’s moving to pull your panties down when you stop him, taking his hand and guiding him to push them to the side instead. urgency in your movements as you watch the realization in his eyes. jason only smiles as you guide his length to press against you. the message is clear as he nods and kisses you again, pecking your lips in little movements as though savouring you.
then you’re pressing down against him, mouth parting as you take him. seating yourself down as he holds you, guiding your hips when you try to take him at once. jason stops you before you try to let him all the way in. he sighs like he’s straining himself.
“breathe baby,” gulping as sweat wicks his forehead. “no rush. breathe. it’s all yours yeah? i’m all yours.”
you nod as you lean forward again, capturing his lips and lapping at him. he tightens his hold on you as you tilt your head, pressing him further into his seat as you begin to shift your hips. sinking further down against him, jason guides you there.
he doesn’t thrust up into you when you take him completely. instead, he parts from your lips, letting you breathe with a line of spit between you from how desperately you both needed eachother. jason groans lowly as you continue to shift your hips, dropping his head against the seat as praises escape from your lips.
“so good jay,” whining as you bounce against him. “you’re so perfect baby.”
jason returns the whine and bites his lip. this only excites you further, knowing how it pushes his buttons and turns him on. you know your man. grinding against him harder, you moan as he kneads your ass in his palms. little moans and words of affirmation as the signs of him losing himself made you want it more.
“i love you,” he moans helplessly, saying your name over and over. “god, i love you so much.”
“i love you too baby.” you whisper against his lips. “you’re so good. fuck, you’re so big.”
he makes another whimpering sound, his hips stuttering against yours as your movements only grew wilder.
“shit baby, don’t say that. i’m gonna lose it.” groaning as he throws his head back again, entirely lost in the feeling of you.
the peak was creeping over on you too. you could feel yourself there, sensitive enough to let go, but not enough to get him there first. hips moving in tandem with yours as he bucked up into you.
“good,” you sighed dreamily, smiling down at jason who’s just barely keeping it together. “i want you to let go.”
“oh fuck,” he moans.
he bites his lip so hard you think he’s gonna make it bleed. fingers digging into your thighs like an anchor. another whimpering sound that grew into a moan as he dropped his head to your chest. lazily grinding against you as he held you tight against him.
“please jay,” knowing exactly what you were doing. voice breathy and seductive. “i wanna feel it inside me.”
the response is immediately as he sputter and loses all semblance of himself. his hips buck up, once, twice, and he hold it deep inside you. letting go and painting you inside as he made swallow thrusts.
the feeling crashes over you too as soon as you feel it, crying out as he held you through it, guiding your hips still. he makes sure to rock you through your peak, lazily grinding as you gasped for air.
coming down while he kept you close, collapsed against his chest. melting into him while he caught his breath. jason sucks in a sharp breath and sighs. his spent leaking onto his lap and he didn’t care.
“i meant it.” he admits while you’re still reeling.
you hum quietly to tell him to continue.
“that i love you. that i’m never leaving you.” already kissing your dampened hair as he remained seated inside you.
“i meant it too,” you croaked, entirely spent. “i love you jason todd.”
the smile on his face could be felt through your hair, and he laughed as he tightened his hold around you. almost crushing but you couldn’t care less if you tried.
“so,” his voice still sounded unsure like he was gauging your opinion and didn’t want to overstep. “does this mean i can call you my girlfriend now?”
putting a hand to his chest to lift yourself, you look him in the eyes. squinting as you smack his chest lightly.
“i’ll kill you if you don’t.”
a slow smile creeps over his handsome face. the expression only makes you want to jump his bones again like he wasn’t hardening inside of you all over again. jason cups your cheek and pulls you in for another sloppy, wet kiss. slipping his tongue past your lips and biting your lip as he parts.
“good. cause i’m gotham u offers a good criminology masters program and i’m thinking of accepting it.” pressing his lips to your nose and to your forehead as you giggle.
then his word click and you gasp. “gotham u?”
he nods dreamily with his eyes half lidded, watching you. “well if my girlfriend is still going there then—”
“yes!” you shove him further into his seat, taking the turn to kiss all over his face. “a million times yes. don’t you dare,” speaking between kisses, “change your mind.”
he pinches your side so you stop and leans his forehead against yours again. either hand on the sea of your face like he was trying to memorize how you felt and brand it to his skin. jason stared lovingly into your eyes and you felt it, deeply.
for the first time in months, you felt love unconditionally and unapologetically reciprocated.
“i wouldn’t dream of it princess.” eyes twinkling as he stared at you.
looking into his eyes, the future didn’t feel so scary anymore.
i’d like to apologize for how long you had to wait for this. i am currently battered and bruised but i feel super accomplished now that this is done too. nerdystoner!jason i love you!
hiii babe!! i’ve been absolutely binging your jason content recently and was wondering when the next chapter of safety net will drop?!?! i’m going INSANE FERAL for nerd stoner j 🙂↕️🙂↕️
though one of the sexiest things about him is his mind. how much he knew, like random facts that would win you a grand prize in a game show about books or historical events. or even about you and what makes you tick. where you liked to eat and how you’d crack your knuckles. he always knew.
his attention to detail was unmatched because he is an amazing observer.
he knew you so deeply that it was like he studied you in the same way he searched for information. kept your image close to his heart and burned it to memory like a brand.
but you hadn’t yet gotten further with jason other than making out hard and panting even harder, you knew he was the type to prioritize your pleasure over his. when you started touching more intimately, he saw how much you liked him and felt more confident in how heavily he felt for you. he’d hold those moments with the same tenderness he held your hand with on your first date, devotion leaking from his pores.
jason wasn’t prepared to see how he could completely ruin you when it translated to bed. he didn’t even know he was capable of it, though once he got a taste, he knew he was unconditionally yours. mapping out roads around your body and marking the spot that made you make the most noises. memorizing the map that led to what he really wanted.
the first time was after a week that was horribly cold and you clung to jason like a second skin. overtime, his warm hands fell to between your thighs and when you didn’t stop him, he continued. shakily, more afraid of hurting you than anything else. though entirely skilled, he knew exactly what makes you tick. every single button he pressed made the experience all the more memorable. every touch and every praise, jason made it comfortable and safe like it was his priority because it is.
now its getting hot and heavy. he’s got you pinned under him hand running up your side while he just barely restrained himself. taking your panties off of you so slowly, unwrapping you like a gift he is oh so grateful to receive.
as though he’s afraid of hurting you somehow.
dragging his heavy, weeping tip through your folds. letting the weight rest against you after prepping for what felt like eternity. the resistance is hardly there at this point, but even now, jason’s bigger than anyone could gauge. what you’d imagined in your mind was ten times fold with him and the girth he harboured was a little daunting.
“i got you princess.” he breathes. “will you let me in?”
eyes staring into his as heart shapes form in the thin air, you nod breathlessly.
you’re not one to back down from a challenge, right?
then he presses forward and kisses you at the same time, swallowing down the gasp that took your breath. only an inch inside and he’s the one shaking already, cupping your face with one hand and fisting the bedsheet by your head with the other.
the stretch is incredible. the sheer size of him both unwarranted and ridiculously impressive. but when you consider his soft spoken voice and the gentle rasp that shook you to your core, it only made your arousal greater.
he drops his head to your cheek and kisses your face gently. then he lets his lips trail down your jaw, licking down then he could tuck his head in your neck and breathe you in. rocking into you slow like he was afraid to fully seat himself inside.
jason whimpers your name softly when you tense. “ease up ma.” before letting a hand circle your clit.
“i’m sorry,” breath shakily as you wrap your ankles around his back. “you’re really big.”
something in his perfect face melts and his lips upturn. he stops his hips from moving any further. “don’t apologize to me, i should be doing that. god, please don’t tell me i’m hurting you.”
but the wait was eating you up. the feeling of him there and not giving you it all was building and the ache was defeaning.
you needed all of him.
you shake your head and try to buck into him further, but jason’s hand shifts to your hip and holds you firm. still holding himself back for some reason unknown to you. a whine slips from your lips when you try to get closer and he groans like the action was ruining him.
this time, you decide to plead. “i want it all jay”
blinking down at you, he shifts his gaze from eye to eye. needing the reassurance as though he truly believed you were saving his feelings.
“are you sure?”
you nod and part your lips, biting your lip softly as the pressure rests there. “please.”
then jason leans down and you think he’s going to kiss you. plump lips pink and swollen with tension as he washes his eyes over your face. resting his forehead on yours before closing his eyes and still not moving his hips yet. just letting the weight of what would fill you stay just in reach but out of touch.
like a threat that’s more like a promise.
“i love you so much.” he admits before pressing his lips to yours, muffling any response you could’ve had.
you moan into his mouth then, half surprise and pleasure. the feeling was unreal. the stretch around him stole the air from your lungs even though he was moving so slowly.
he pressed forward and despite the pleasureful pain it caused, letting your ankles dig into his back and pull him deeper until he was fully seated inside you. a tear slips down your face just as he parts from you to breathe and a cry escapes past your lips.
the sound is enough to startle jason and halt any movement. he pulls back as your tear strikes fear echoes across on his face, thinking you were in pain from him doing.
“shit—did i hurt you?”
taking a moment to compose yourself, you shake your head warily. “no,” the sound another muffled cry as he stayed impossibly still, unsure what to do.
“sweetheart, you’re crying,” leaning back trying to pull his weight off of you.
though you don’t let him move far, tightening your hold on him and locking your ankles.
“stay,” gripping him close for dear life.
his eyes stay unwavering and his hips stay still. he reaches up for your face again and brushes his thumb over your cheek before he nods at your determination.
“okay,” shakily he says. “but if it hurts—”
“it doesn’t.” you quickly interrupt. “i promise, it feels good.”
a slow smile creeps up his face. “yeah? you feel good?”
you nod again and stare straight at his lips, urging him on. slowly his resolve crumbles and he lands closer to your face to kiss you once again. pressing his perfect lips to yours like a seal and a lock.
just then he adjusts his hips, shifting them forward and rocking into you. he watches as your breath hitches and your fingernails dig into your palms. head drawing back to drown into the pillow beneath it. he groans at the slight resistance created in the friction but eases up until you let him in so easily. hands on your hips tight but not hurting, just enough to remind you where he was.
he takes your hands and pries your fingers up, interlocking them with his to distract you from the sensation. slowly inching his way inside until the tears in your eyes were accompanied by gentle moans.
then you drag him closer once again and he lets you interlock your ankles behind him.
“let me do the work,” panting by your ear. “let me show you how i love you.”
wiping your tears, his teeth shine brightly as he smiles and soothingly strokes your face. impossible gentleness from his calloused hands. when the words die, he converses with his eyes you could drown inside of.
finally he bottoms out with a soft sputter on his tongue, completely unable to mask his weight behind his heavy hips, touching your cervix from this angle. nailing dig into his hand, needing to be grounded and feel him completely, jason pants heavily. he brings your hands up higher until they rested just above your head. the loving frame he posed you in was so evident you could cry. instead, you paint him in the same light.
the ministrations resume and he moves with less restraint than you’d started with. watching how your expressions changed and the sounds escaped your lips quicker with every movement.
his deep thrusts could’ve knocked the air from your lungs but he was doing it so slowly as he inched himself further, it melted away. pleasureful bliss blooms across your skin as he kisses your neck. leaving open mouthed smooches up to your face and worked back down, surely leaving marks in their wake.
“please jay,” moaning out as though he wasn’t already fucking you. “more.”
jason fucks you like he was about to lose you then, when he looks up and sees your eyes rolling and the tear streaks on your face. letting go of your arms to lift you up and over him. he rolls onto his back and seats you in his lap, never pulling completely out, just enough that you feel what you’d need to retake.
“okay princess,” he coos. “i’ll help, yeah?”
already exhausted but willingly to please him, you grip his shoulders and start to grind down into him. he cups your ass and lifts you up, letting your weight back onto him over and over. the mix of your arousal making it easier to fuck up into you as he holds you effortlessly. shifting your hips against him weakly, jason decides to take up the task entirely but not until he really sees you struggle to fit him inside you.
a couple more whines escape you as you attempt to move, taking an inch deeper just to grind against his pelvis. minutes go by like this, when he tries to tell you it’s okay and he can do it, you shake your head like you’re already gone. then you tell him you can handle it.
both of you know you can’t.
another roll of your hips against his where a broken moan pulls him out his head causes jason’s brain to flip. he doesn’t just hold you anymore, no, he starts to get meaner. not like he wants to hurt you, but he wanted to give you what he’s wanted all night—to fuck you full.
thrusting up again and again while he watches your face contort, slowly melting onto his chest while he sits up further. moving you up and down onto him, biting his lips to control his moans when you whimper his name. then he can’t even hide that. groans and moans, gasps and sighs—they fill your ears like sinful symphony as he works himself up further. he listens to the praises you say in his ear while he does the work you should’ve, fucking up into you as though on a mission. his pace picks up as he feels you moving back into him, matching his thrusts with your own.
the peak sneaks up on you when he tangles his hand in your hair to get a look at your face. pulling just enough to see your expression and gasp when he continues his ministrations.
“i wanna watch you let go for me.” nearly whining when he admits. “you gonna let me come inside you? please?” his breathy voice coaxing you.
vigorously you nod as his pace begins to falter and his thrusts only become deeper as though he wanted to get closer.
it’s enough to spur you on. enough to push you right over the edge as you see his pink, bitten lips and the flush on his cheeks. the ruffle in his hair that proved how long this had been going on for. he looked so incredibly hot, you could die a happy woman tonight just from his good he’s fucked you.
through the peak, he carries you over, not stopping and not pausing his filthy promises. you’re clamping down around him when he sputters your name, groaning harshly and prolonging the feeling. you can feel him reaching his climax, bucking into you and movements stuttering. when he comes, you feel the pulses as he fills you. rope after rope painting you white from within. the waves of intense pleasure as his veins drag and he starts overstimulates himself. then he reaches between you to circle your sensitive bud, thrusting sloppily as you’re limp against him and throwing you into another orgasm.
practically screaming his name as you muffle a cry into his shoulder, barring your teeth and taking a bite of his supple skin. shaking as he fucks you through another climax and pushes his seed deeper inside. hand slipping off his shoulder as he slows his movements. groaning softly by your ear as he makes shallow bucks as though he didn’t want this to end.
but fucked out in his arms is his lover, drenched in sweat and slick that he didn’t know had even reached those places. and still, he was buried inside you with no indication of wanting to move.
minutes go by like this, both of you entirely spent and trying to catch your breath. he’s first to look at you and ensure that he hadn’t harmed you. eyes closed and lips parted, panting hard like you’d run a marathon as jason looks the same. leaning back further just to see the look on your face, jason kisses your forehead then.
“was that okay?” he twists at your heartstrings. “did i hurt you?”
still he was questioning himself and you were just coherent enough to shake your head and speak in a slur. “you’re perfect. my perfect boy.”
the breathy words only made him smile. his grin wide and toothy as he kisses the top of your head over and over. ignoring how your hair stuck to your head, hoping you’d do the same to him.
“sweet baby.” murmuring between his rough kisses that felt like cuteness aggression towards you. “i love you so, so much.”
you hum as you nuzzle into his chest. “mmhmf, i love you too.”
still cheesing, he holds you tight against him. part of him felt like he was dreaming with how much he loved you. his body shaking with restraint as he twitched inside you but he knew you were too exhausted to go again. leaning himself back onto the mattress to tuck you against him further, holding you there like something sacred. as though you would run or get taken away if he faltered his hold at all.
the hold on you only grounding as though you were floating over your body still, ghosting like he’d fucked you into the afterlife. sleep eases its way through your body and jason absorbs it.
only minutes later you’re completely asleep, snoring peacefully as jason drools on your head.
and there’s no place you’d rather be.
forgive me for this filth. i’m never a normal person when i’m ovulating…
toji fucking you for so long that your poor pussy is a fucking mess. folds puffy, clit swollen, a combination of your juices and his sliding down between your thighs and onto the towel he has under you. you can’t even bring yourself to hold onto him anymore because all of your limbs are numb.
your head’s a fucking mess too; your five senses have been dulled down to nothing but the feel of his fat cock sliding in and out of you with wet, sloppy plaps.
you’d think that he’d at least have the decency to try and orient you or hold your hands, but he’s a mess too. pussydrunk. he’s watching the way your pussy swallows him up with each thrust, your folds wrapping around his length and sucking him in deeper. little sprays of fluid come out of you when he drives inside too fast, and if he goes too slow, your pussy flutters around him so pretty. he can’t decide which he likes better.
“you like that dick?” he grunts thoughtlessly, moving one hand off your thigh in between your legs instead so he can rub harsh circles onto your clit. “you like that dick baby? i think she likes it.”
“mngh…w-who?” you babble, bucking your hips into his hand while also fucking yourself onto him, chasing your fast approaching orgasm.
“your pussy. fuck, she loves it. look how well she’s taking me.”
you cry out and hook your legs around his waist, knowing that you’re almost there and that you want him to empty his load into you. nowhere else is satisfactory. “to-jiiiii” you slur, eyes rolling back into your head when he curves his body inward to drive impossibly deeper inside you, angling his cock to hit that sweet spot on your frontal wall. “ ‘m cumming!”
toji’s face scrunches up. he resorts to that fast pace that he was stuck on earlier, and pounds into you hard and fast, his curved length battering your soft insides with each wet thrust. he slams his hips into yours one more time, pushing his thumb against your bundle of nerves while your pussy hugs his cock, milking the cum straight out of him while you squirt on his dick.
the two of you let out the most vulgar of moans as he cums with you, emptying his heavy, thick load deep into your womb. his body collapses on top of yours while he keeps rocking his cock into you, making sure no part of your pretty pussy goes untouched by his cum.
Finding pictures that match everything in color is hard because I don't want to edit beyond their size, because I'm not good at it. Though, maybe it's an excuse to just stare at his pretty face little too long...
My appreciation to my favourite writers on here who dont use ai and are really nice:
@vianawaits ana is the first writer who ive ever talked to on here and i just love her since she always makes my ideas come true pieces of work.
@dontyouworrydaddy the smaus oh god,just love,love,love,love.
@jtoddsbaby my literal baby. she does literally anything and aces in everything.
@lushberrys the queen herself has children and still makes some of the best fics once in a while.
@starl1ghtgr4yson i have like 5 screenshots of her best works in my opinion and are all beautiful.
@starr-jazz shes probably the most accurate fanfic writer when we are talking about jason x reader fics.the way she writes jason omfg.
@fancy-possum MY GIRL BEA OMFG.all of her works are insane and she writes hurt/comfort SO WELL.shes one of the nicest people youll find in this platform.she also posts once in a while but when she does its like the world collapses.
@jellyfishsthings her works are so well writen it makes you think that you are reading some sort of classic novel.
@honeysucklewatr our cicle is connected in such way that i think oh id love to read some smut and half an hour later she posts the most fylthiest fanfic ever written.
@llovelygood i remember that once she had written a fic about reader with a chronic illness and it one of my roman empires.
@brinawing had to delete her account 2 times and still posts her old works that are probably the first thing ive read when i entered tumblr and made me addicted.
@bat1nsignia i dont even like bruce Wayne x reader but she writes them soooo well.
@strawberry-nugget it doesnt let me tag her idk why but i LOVE her wonder girl!reader x jason todd series.another one of my roman empires.
@bloomcissa post once in a while but she write beautifully.
Idk if i forgot someone but these are the writers who i interact the most with and i love them with all my heart.
though one of the sexiest things about him is his mind. how much he knew, like random facts that would win you a grand prize in a game show about books or historical events. or even about you and what makes you tick. where you liked to eat and how you’d crack your knuckles. he always knew.
his attention to detail was unmatched because he is an amazing observer.
he knew you so deeply that it was like he studied you in the same way he searched for information. kept your image close to his heart and burned it to memory like a brand.
but you hadn’t yet gotten further with jason other than making out hard and panting even harder, you knew he was the type to prioritize your pleasure over his. when you started touching more intimately, he saw how much you liked him and felt more confident in how heavily he felt for you. he’d hold those moments with the same tenderness he held your hand with on your first date, devotion leaking from his pores.
but jason wasn’t prepared to see how he could completely ruin you when it translated to bed. he didn’t even know he was capable of it, though once he got a taste, he knew he was unconditionally yours. mapping out roads around your body and marking the spot that made you make the most noises. memorizing the map that led to what he really wanted.
the first time was after a week that was horribly cold and you clung to jason like a second skin. overtime, his warm hands fell to between your thighs and when you didn’t stop him, he continued. shakily, more afraid of hurting you than anything else. though entirely skilled, he knew exactly what makes you tick. every single button he pressed made the experience all the more memorable. every touch and every praise, jason made it comfortable and safe like it was his priority because it is.
now its getting hot and heavy. he’s got you pinned under him hand running up your side while he just barely restrained himself. taking your panties off of you so slowly, unwrapping you like a gift he is oh so grateful to receive.
as though he’s afraid of hurting you somehow.
dragging his heavy, weeping tip through your folds. letting the weight rest against you after prepping for what felt like eternity. the resistance is hardly there at this point, but even now, jason’s bigger than anyone could gauge. what you’d imagined in your mind was ten times fold with him and the girth he harboured was a little daunting.
“i got you princess.” he breathes. “will you let me in?”
eyes staring into his as heart shapes form in the thin air, you nod breathlessly.
you’re not one to back down from a challenge, right?
then he presses forward and kisses you at the same time, swallowing down the gasp that took your breath. only an inch inside and he’s the one shaking already, cupping your face with one hand and fisting the bedsheet by your head with the other.
the stretch is incredible. the sheer size of him both unwarranted and ridiculously impressive. but when you consider his soft spoken voice and the gentle rasp that shook you to your core, it only made your arousal greater.
he drops his head to your cheek and kisses your face gently. then he lets his lips trail down your jaw, licking down then he could tuck his head in your neck and breathe you in. rocking into you slow like he was afraid to fully seat himself inside.
jason whimpers your name softly when you tense. “ease up ma.” before letting a hand circle your clit.
“i’m sorry,” breath shakily as you wrap your ankles around his back. “you’re really big.”
something in his perfect face melts and his lips upturn. he stops his hips from moving any further.“don’t apologize to me, i should be doing that. god, please don’t tell me i’m hurting you.”
but the wait was eating you up. the feeling of him there and not giving you it all was building and the ache was defeaning.
you needed all of him.
you shake your head and try to buck into him further, but jason’s hand shifts to your hip and holds you firm. still holding himself back for some reason unknown to you. a whine slips from your lips when you try to get closer and he groans like the action was ruining him.
this time, you decide to plead. “i want it all jay”
blinking down at you, he shifts his gaze from eye to eye. needing the reassurance as though he truly believed you were saving his feelings.
“are you sure?”
you nod and part your lips, biting your lip softly as the pressure rests there. “please.”
then jason leans down and you think he’s going to kiss you. plump lips pink and swollen with tension as he washes his eyes over your face. resting his forehead on yours before closing his eyes and still not moving his hips yet. just letting the weight of what would fill you stay just in reach but out of touch.
like a threat that’s more like a promise.
“i love you so much.” he admits before pressing his lips to yours, muffling any response you could’ve had.
you moan into his mouth then, half surprise and pleasure. the feeling was unreal. the stretch around him stole the air from your lungs even though he was moving so slowly.
he pressed forward and despite the pleasureful pain it caused, letting your ankles dig into his back and pull him deeper until he was fully seated inside you. a tear slips down your face just as he parts from you to breathe and a cry escapes past your lips.
the sound is enough to startle jason. he pulls back as the tear is enough to make him second guess himself. fear echoes across on his face.
“shit—did i hurt you?”
taking a moment to compose yourself, you shake your head warily. “no,” the sound another muffled cry as he stayed impossibly still, unsure what to do.
“sweetheart, you’re crying,” leaning back trying to pull his weight off of you.
though you don’t let him move far, tightening your hold on him and locking your ankles.
“stay,” gripping him close for dear life.
his eyes stay unwavering and his hips stay still. he reaches up for your face again and brushes his thumb over your cheek before he nods at your determination.
“okay,” shakily he says. “but if it hurts—”
“it doesn’t.” you quickly interrupt. “i promise, it feels good.”
a slow smile creeps up his face. “yeah? you feel good?”
you nod again and stare straight at his lips, urging him on. slowly his resolve crumbles and he lands closer to your face to kiss you once again. pressing his perfect lips to yours like a seal and a lock.
just then he adjusts his hips, shifting them forward and rocking into you. he watches as your breath hitches and your fingernails dig into your palms. head drawing back to drown into the pillow beneath it. he groans at the slight resistance created in the friction but eases up until you let him in so easily. hands on your hips tight but not hurting, just enough to remind you where he was.
he takes your hands and pries your fingers up, interlocking them with his to distract you from the sensation. slowly inching his way inside until the tears in your eyes were accompanied by gentle moans.
then you drag him closer once again and he lets you interlock your ankles behind him.
“let me do the work,” panting by your ear. “let me show you how i love you.”
wiping your tears, his teeth shine brightly as he smiles and soothingly strokes your face. impossible gentleness from his calloused hands. when the words die, he converses with his eyes you could drown inside of.
finally he bottoms out with a soft sputter on his tongue, completely unable to mask his weight behind his heavy hips, touching your cervix from this angle. nailing dig into his hand, needing to be grounded and feel him completely, jason pants heavily. he brings your hands up higher until they rested just above your head. the loving frame he posed you in was so evident you could cry. instead, you paint him in the same light.
the ministrations resume and he moves with less restraint than you’d started with. watching how your expressions changed and the sounds escaped your lips quicker with every movement.
his deep thrusts could’ve knocked the air from your lungs but he was doing it so slowly as he inched himself further, it melted away. pleasureful bliss blooms across your skin as he kisses your neck. leaving open mouthed smooches up to your face and worked back down, surely leaving marks in their wake.
“please jay,” moaning out as though he wasn’t already fucking you. “more.”
jason fucks you like he was about to lose you then, when he looks up and sees your eyes rolling and the tear streaks on your face. letting go of your arms to lift you up and over him. he rolls onto his back and seats you in his lap, never pulling completely out, just enough that you feel what you’d need to retake.
“okay princess,” he coos. “i’ll help, yeah?”
already exhausted but willingly to please him, you grip his shoulders and start to grind down into him. he cups your ass and lifts you up, letting your weight back onto him over and over. the mix of your arousal making it easier to fuck up into you as he holds you effortlessly. shifting your hips against him weakly, jason decides to take up the task entirely but not until he really sees you struggle to fit him inside you.
a couple more whines escape you as you attempt to move, taking an inch deeper just to grind against his pelvis. minutes go by like this, when he tries to tell you it’s okay and he can do it, you shake your head like you’re already gone. then you tell him you can handle it.
both of you know you can’t.
another roll of your hips against his where a broken moan pulls him out his head causes jason’s brain to flip. he doesn’t just hold you anymore, no, he starts to get meaner. not like he wants to hurt you, but he wanted to give you what he’s wanted all night—to fuck you full.
thrusting up again and again while he watches your face contort, slowly melting onto his chest while he sits up further. moving you up and down onto him, biting his lips to control his moans when you whimper his name. then he can’t even hide that. groans and moans, gasps and sighs—they fill your ears like sinful symphony as he works himself up further. he listens to the praises you say in his ear while he does the work you should’ve, fucking up into you as though on a mission. his pace picks up as he feels you moving back into him, matching his thrusts with your own.
the peak sneaks up on you when he tangles his hand in your hair to get a look at your face. pulling just enough to see your expression and gasp when he continues his ministrations.
“i wanna watch you let go for me.” nearly whining when he admits. “you gonna let me come inside you? please?” his breathy voice coaxing you.
vigorously you nod as his pace begins to falter and his thrusts only become deeper as though he wanted to get closer.
it’s enough to spur you on. enough to push you right over the edge as you see his pink, bitten lips and the flush on his cheeks. the ruffle in his hair that proved how long this had been going on for. he looked so incredibly hot, you could die a happy woman tonight just from his good he’s fucked you.
through the peak, he carries you over, not stopping and not pausing his filthy promises. you’re clamping down around him when he sputters your name, groaning harshly and prolonging the feeling. you can feel him reaching his climax, bucking into you and movements stuttering. when he comes, you feel the pulses as he fills you. rope after rope painting you white from within. the waves of intense pleasure as his veins drag and he starts overstimulates himself. then he reaches between you to circle your sensitive bud, thrusting sloppily as you’re limp against him and throwing you into another orgasm.
practically screaming his name as you muffle a cry into his shoulder, barring your teeth and taking a bite of his supple skin. shaking as he fucks you through another climax and pushes his seed deeper inside. hand slipping off his shoulder as he slows his movements. groaning softly by your ear as he makes shallow bucks as though he didn’t want this to end.
but fucked out in his arms is his lover, drenched in sweat and slick that he didn’t know had even reached those places. and still, he was buried inside you with no indication of wanting to move.
minutes go by like this, both of you entirely spent and trying to catch your breath. he’s first to look at you and ensure that he hadn’t harmed you. eyes closed and lips parted, panting hard like you’d run a marathon as jason looks the same. leaning back further just to see the look on your face, jason kisses your forehead then.
“was that okay?” he twists at your heartstrings. “did i hurt you?”
still he was questioning himself and you were just coherent enough to shake your head and speak in a slur. “you’re perfect. my perfect boy.”
the breathy words only made him smile. his grin wide and toothy as he kisses the top of your head over and over. ignoring how your hair stuck to your head, hoping you’d do the same to him.
“sweet baby.” murmuring between his rough kisses that felt like cuteness aggression towards you. “i love you so, so much.”
you hum as you nuzzle into his chest. “mmhmf, i love you too.”
still cheesing, he holds you tight against him. part of him felt like he was dreaming with how much he loved you. his body shaking with restraint as he twitched inside you but he knew you were too exhausted to go again. leaning himself back onto the mattress to tuck you against him further, holding you there like something sacred. as though you would run or get taken away if he faltered his hold at all.
the hold on you only grounding as though you were floating over your body still, ghosting like he’d fucked you into the afterlife. sleep eases its way through your body and jason absorbs it.
only minutes later you’re completely asleep, snoring peacefully as jason drools on your head.
and there’s no place you’d rather be.
forgive me for this filth. i’m never a normal person when i’m ovulating…
