So Season One went out with a bang, leaving all the poor lesbians watching in real time to bite their nails anxiously re: the future of Tibette and the general state of the crew. Oh cruel television seasons, how we suffered under thee before the arrival of our lord Netflix.
But I digress. In honour of all the people who cuddled their cats and cried in 2004, this is an unspoiled prediction post for Season 2 of The L Word. And these ain't no vague predictions. They are SPECIFIC AS HELL. Please feel free to mock me in comments.
1. Dana will leave Terrible Tonya for Alice, realizing my lifelong dream (well, thirteen-week long dream, technically) of their coupledom.
2. But, they'll have a surprisingly tumultuous relationship and decide before the end of the season that they're better off as friends. (It pains me to type that.)
3. Shane will struggle with an addiction, possibly to alcohol, possibly to sex. It will leave her depressed and struggling to reach out to her friends, but she will bond with Tina.
4. Ivan will tell Kit he wants to transition, and it will make Kit uncomfortable. I love the cuteness they have as a couple and Ivan's gender-bending identity, but it is a little too low-drama for this show. Would also be awesome to see a trans guy in the series!
5. Speaking of which... we'll be introduced to a new character who is a trans girl! Come on, L Word. This is much more believable than Lisa the Lesbian Man.
Come on L Word. One little trans character?
6. Dana will adopt a cat and name it Mr. Piddles the Second. All will bow to Mr. Piddles the Second.
Where one kitten falls... another rises.
7. A sexy new recurring character will appear and she will be into BDSM. Probably as a domme.
Now even my gifs are judging me.
8. Jenny starts to self-identify as a mermaid and wish to be referred as mer and merself. (This is just a joke, Tumblr! Jenny would obviously be more comfortable as a manatee.) Gene Fineman will sadly float out of the picture early in season two. But on a brighter note, so will Marina! GOODBYE FOREVER MARINAAAAA.
9. And finally - Bette and Tina will start living apart, Bette with Candace and Tina with a young man.
A funeral turns into an engagement, the lesbian double standard emerges, and Shane does NOT sleep with a man’s entire nuclear family. It’s the L Word Virgin.
L Word: Flash Not-Very-Far Back edition! Bette and Candace meet in a parking garage, which is already bad news – nothing good ever happens in TV parking garages. They sit silently together until Bette says, “Take me somewhere.”
doot dat doot da doo dum da the L word. I really hope they don't change the opening next season.
El Garden Shed: Jenny and Robin are in bed together and looking very besotted indeed. Robin playfully admits her jealousy when Jenny mentions a date, but it doesn’t prevent them from having some MULTIPLE OVERLAY SEX to Portishead. Nipples are way less hot out of context.
Poor Tim (I know you are depressed, but please cut your hair, Tim) comes out to deliver Jenny’s paper while the Portishead is still playing and gets to see this through the gauzy garden-shed curtains.
A little blurry, but you get the picture.
He sadly drops the paper outside and wanders off.
Super-Pretty Casa Del Adultery: Candace pays for the room not because she’s beholden to patriarchal customs about butch and femme dynamics, but because she doesn’t want it to show up on Bette’s credit card. Ouch.
The Portishead continues upstairs. Here is a photo of some Portishead.
Candace pins Bette down at the wrists - she wants to let Bette know she can’t always be in control. Damn, Candace.
Beautiful smash cut to Oscar and Tina (mostly Tina) attempting to fix a sink. It appears to be beyond them.
Tina: We need a plumber.
Oscar: We’re gonna need a carpenter too if we’re going to make this place presentable.
Tina: I know one!
SHANE (the salon – and the person): Sucker Steve is on the outs with Shane… for making a pass at his daughter. Oh Steve. If only you knew.
Shane bee-lines it to a huge LA house to try to talk to Cherie but Clea hops in her truck instead and continues her ‘love me Shane’ pestering campaign. Getting the feel Clea has taken some liberties describing Shane’s behaviour to her parents, because Cherie is none too pleased to see her either.
But as Shane is calming Cherie down, Clea pops her head around the door to see her crush embracing her mom and storms off shrieking. This is pure soap opera nonsense, and I am having all of it because I can’t take it seriously and it’s kind of funny. Sorry Shane, I like you but this is absurd.
Cozy Garden Shed: Tim, probably still a little uncomfortable from the Portishead earlier, knocks timidly. Jenny is polite and casual (and looks super-cute in her hipster librarian getup and ponytail), but Tim gets down to business. He’s found a divorce lawyer and wants Jenny to come with him. This scene is nicely underplayed, especially in contrast with Shane’s Oedipal Family Circus.
How I know real lesbians didn’t write this show: Dana’s cat has died and it is played for comedy. This is the lesbian stereotype that is truest and strongest in my day-to-day life. I know a couple of softball players and an oversharer or two, but I have never met a lesbian who did not care deeply and emotionally about her cat(s).
(If you are a lesbian who doesn’t care deeply and emotionally about cats, please write in so I can balance my anecdotal data.)
At any rate, poor Dana is obviously heartbroken over the loss of Mr. Piddles, and Alice comforts her and makes funeral plans while Terrible Tonya slips outside like a mangy gold-digging wildebeest.
We will now have an internet moment of silence for both Mr. Piddles and Dana’s usually excellent taste in women.
Back at the gallery, the gang is crewing up to attend and defend the CAC show. Kit shows up with Ivan in tow and… oh. Tina pulls Candace into a corner to talk to her. Are we gonna do this right now?
Nope. She just wants carpentry help. Candace, clearly taken aback, rallies and agrees cheerfully.
Meanwhile Bette is absolutely going to town on Kit for ‘leading Ivan on’. She’s emphatic about Ivan being a woman and ‘just knows’ that (s)he is in love with Kit.
Bette: Kit, believe me. You might not be able to read the signals, but they’re there. I saw the way she looks at you; she is fully courting you, old school, and you’re letting her.
Shut up, Bette. You don’t get to police anybody’s relationship right now. Glass houses, stones, etc.
Oh no, we’re back at the manateequarium. This looks like a scene out of 500 Days Of Summer, it’s so painfully twee. Pretty, though.
They flirt and Fineman goes in for a kiss. I always feel weird watching straight kisses on this show. But as he tells her more about the seals and their mating rituals, she undoes his belt and goes for the kill. I have a bad feeling about this.
Sure enough, they start fucking against the seal tank with no respect whatsoever for the seals’ personal space. RUDE. Maybe Jenny has a crisis of conscience re: seal fuckery, because she starts to cry once Gene is inside her. Being a decent guy, instead of freaking out or harassing her he just holds her and strokes her hair.
Four for you, Gene Fineman. You go, Gene Fineman.
The Saddest Cat Funeral In The World: Okay, this is kind of funny – the cat is laid out in a little mahogany and silk casket, and Dana and Alice are standing over it looking solemn. I loved my cat a lot, but we buried him in the backyard underneath the sandbox. He loved the sandbox.
Shane is out of commission, presumably pestering Cherie the same way Clea pestered her. Kit arrives with Ivan and gives Dana a hug and some very sweet and somehow completely serious condolences re: Mr. P. When Ivan tries to do the same for Tonya, she gives him this look:
Go suck a fork, Tonya. Bette is there too, with a big beautiful portrait of the kitty as a present. Alice asks if Tonya and Dana are merging. They do look suspiciously similar.
Anyways, Dana gets up and makes a really nice speech about how much she loves her friends and how they’ve helped her get through the tough times, and then she swallows a live garden snake,
I’m kidding, she announces her engagement to Tonya, which is basically the same thing as far as I’m concerned. I know people do strange things in grief, but seriously. That is some Jenny-level bad decision making. Hilariously, Shane and Alice’s expressions at this moment are identical to mine.
(I know there are a lot of screencaps in this review, but people made a lot of good faces!)
Tibette: Tina may not know what’s going on, but she can clearly feel something’s amiss, because they’re fighting. About Candace. Bette is using her connection to the CAC to claim Tina was out of line hiring her and wah wah Bette, shut up you have no ground to stand on. Seriously, I think Bette’s moral compass might have fallen out while Candace was fingering her.
In the morning, couchbound Bette wakes up to Tina stomping out the door. She stops her and apologizes, and you can just feel the guilt coming out of Jennifer Beals’s pores in this scene. Tina reaches back a little but clearly still has a wall up.
Casa Oedipus: Shane is napping in her car like a stalker when a friendly policeman approaches and asks her to move along. When she tries to explain, he reveals that in the eyes of C+C, she is not just like a stalker but is one, and they’ve filed a restraining order. Yeouch.
Garden Shed: Gene and Jenny are also sleeping apart, though in the same bed. Blessedly, Jenny explained her complex sexual history to him off-screen, and he’s okay with it. He asks if he’s the first guy he’s been with since Tim, and wonders if she’s secretly a gold-star lesbian, but Jenny seems confident in her cock appreciation. She offers to butt out, but Gene still seems interested. Good luck, Fineman. And godspeed.
Planet Xena: Ivan and Kit are out for breakfast, and an awkward conversation is barreling their way like the proverbial tunnel-train (or lack-of-train, in this instance). Before Ivan puts it all on the table, Kit tries to let her down gently, saying she doesn’t have anything to ‘offer’ in return.
Kit: Please listen to me. I’m a straight woman. A two months from fifty year lifetime heterosexual woman. If you were a man, you would be the perfect man. And I know that there are people who could be better for you and give you what you’re looking for.
Ivan:Do you know what you’re looking for, Kit?
Kit: No.
Ivan: Then how do you know I can’t give it to you?
The more pertinent question would seem to be, does Kit know what Ivan’s looking for? Maybe he doesn’t want a sexual relationship, or maybe it’s more complex than that. They don’t seem to have discussed it.
Garden shed: Jenny and Fineman say goodbye: cue Tim bursting through the door. Oh crap. Crap.
Tim: We were engaged! You swore that if you were ever going to be with a man again, I was the man you were going to be with!
A note on Only Man syndrome: I’m surprised and pleased to see this come up in a bisexual storyline, because it seems pretty common in real life. Men who are have been with bi women can accept that part of their sexuality. They can soothe a breakup by telling themselves that it’s not them, it’s their dick, but if she sees another guy it takes the reason for the breakup from something uncontrollable (like their gender) to something controllable (their personality/inadequacy/collection of Puella Magica dolls). I’ve seen friends who used to date get along fine as long as the ex was with a woman, but when another guy came into the picture the whole fragile structure collapsed almost instantly.
Dudes. What can you do.
Anyways. At the gallery, Bette un-subtly tells her assistant that she needs forty-five minutes alone in her office. I wonder if she scheduled sex blocks with Tina too? But I don’t have time to wonder anything else because Portishead’s cousin is starting up and man. just. man. They’re… not quiet.
Garden shed: Jenny practices her kinetic typography, with an identity poem this time. It remains hilarious and ineffective as a narrative tool. Fortunately, Fineman walks through the words to pick Jenny up for the Provocations gala. I feel like we’ve been leading up to this all season!
Tibette: Bette both melts and melts down in the shower. She looks genuinely ill when Tina wraps her in a towel – like the guilt is literally eating away at her. Tina generously attributes it to stress, cradling her. Bette has never looked so vulnerable.
She tells Tina she wants to try for another baby, but Tina says she needs time.
Ivan is at Kit’s house to pick her up – in full drag! I hope those two crazy kids can work it out. I’m pulling for them.
DINNER AND THE SHOW
The Provocations art is just as ugly as I remember it, but that’s not illegal as far as I’m aware. Journalists harass Bette, who seems to have receded into Super-Professional mode.
The gang’s all here! Jenny and Gene run into Tim and Trish (I feel like I’m recapping a Golden Book with these names) and Tim suplexes all the sympathy I’d built up for him by rudely 'outing' Jenny to Gene. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU TIM, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU. Fortunately, Fineman continues to class up the joint once Tim leaves.
Gene: Well you told me that you were in love with that woman and… now you’re sleeping with another woman. But you didn’t tell me you were a dyke.
Bless.
Shane, Tina and Alice run into the Bobbsey Twins, one of whom is masquerading as my former favourite lady Dana. It’s sad and scary and I think Dana might be suffering post-traumatic cat disorder. Alice is onto something when she suggests Tonya killed Mr. P so she could be next in line to inherit. I like the way you think. Tensions run high across the board.
Ooh, Cherie and Steve are both in attendance. Steve gives Shane a Liam Neeson Taken speech and walks away. You’re better off without her, Shane babe. Without both of them.
In a very beautifully shot scene, Shane enters a mirrored room/art piece boxed in with neon where Cherie is waiting for her. Shane smacks her down with all the righteous anger of a fifteen year old pouring out heartbreak in a diary. Cherie is cold as ice. It’s very sad, but also very predictable.
Whoa, the gang is ALL here. Jenny introduces Robyn to Gene and it’s a little awkward, but nothing compared to when Marina pops up behind Jenny to shake his hand.
I’m going to need to resurrect the Chart just to keep track of this room! This is ridiculous. I guess this is the drama equivalent of season finale bomb disarmament.
Oh shit, this is it.
This is it.
It’s happening.
As Tina says goodbye to Kit and Ivan, she spots Bette standing in a closed-off corner of the gallery, playing with Candace’s necklace. They don’t kiss, but it couldn’t be any clearer that they want to, and as Bette walks away Candace holds her hand. Tina looks devastated.
As if to soothe my heart (which hurts. ouch), the next scene redeems parking garages for me considerably. Kit still seems a little nervous about where her relationship with Ivan is going. He anticipates her anxiety, and turns on his car stereo to play Leonard Cohen’s wonderful I’m Your Man. Maybe I’m a little biased because I adore that song, but the sweetness of them dancing together really got to me. Thanks for redeeming the parking garage, guys!
It would be so rad if Ivan were a non-binary character. I don't know if I was just uninformed in 2004 or if there really was less recognition of gender fluidity ten years ago, but I can't think of a single NB character on television even now (unless you count BMO from Adventure Time, who is not technically a person). I truly hope they follow up with this.
The Shed: Jenny brings Fineman home only to find Robyn standing there with a daisy in hand. She apologizes for being tricked by Marina but is obviously uncomfortable with Gene’s presence. Unfortunately, Marina has chosen this moment to leave a message on Jenny’s machine saying that she still loves her and wants another chance.
Gene and Robyn both offer to go because they’re deeply decent. Maybe they should just date each other instead of getting back on the Jenny Schecter Coaster Of Love. Jenny has an alternate plan: everybody stays. Sexy?
Casa Tibette: Tina is waiting on the couch.
Bette goes to her and tries to hug her, but Tina pushes her away and slaps her full in the face.
I feel a little uncomfortable recapping the scene that follows. Tina swears and spits at Bette, who seems desperate to get as close to her as possible. She tears Tina's shirt in half and kisses her, but the whole time Tina is fighting her viciously, and I couldn't help but think that if someone showed me this scene with no context, I would clearly label it as a sexual assault. Within the story arc, I understand the dynamic a little more but... I was glad to see that at the end of the night, Tina ends up on Alice's couch instead of in bed with her wife.
Speaking of Alice... she's outside Dana's door at four in the morning with (apparently) very little idea of what she's doing there. Dana appears looking adorably bedheaded, and Alice utters that classic film protest.
Alice: You can't marry Tonya.
Dana: Why?
Alice kisses her, once, gently. Then Dana kisses back and it is ON.
People, let us celebrate.
I didn't think this would happen! Well, at least not so soon. MY OTP IS MEANT TO BEEEEE.
Mood whiplash time! Alice gets home from her amazingly steamy kiss with Dana to find Tina sitting quietly on the sofa. She stands up and walks to Alice’s Chart, sitting in pride of place on her living room wall, and tries to add a line to Bette’s name. She only manages to get CA out before Alice stops her and holds her as she cries.
And that is the end of The L Word (Virgin) Season One.
Jenny fetishizes manatees, Robin deserves better than she's getting and Bette has sex with a wall. It's the L Word Virgin.
This week on L Word: Flashback Edition – Discovery Channel! In a refreshing change of pace from the last few episodes’ Skinimax-y openers, we get an upbeat montage of dolphins and belugas playfully sexing it up set to Frances and Her Friends, Frances Faye’s wonderfully jazzy ode to swingers. It’s a funny and sweet opener, and I cannot help but compare the dolphins’ joyful lack of sexual restraint to the show’s own hormonally driven ladies. Maybe if they didn’t angst so much about all the bad sex they’re having, they could swim in the ocean and be free too!
But back to reality (whoops, there goes gravity). At Planet Xena, Shane is dropping some truth bombs on Clea regarding her Number in order to scare her off.
Clea: Like hundreds? Thousands? What?
Shane: Somewhere between 950 and 1200 since I was fourteen.
I stopped here to do some math. Assuming Shane is, say, 27, she’s looking at a hundred partners a year, which even from Shane is hard to believe… until she further reveals that she worked as a street hooker blowing men who thought she was a twinky guy. Whoa.
Unfortunately, Shane forgot she’s talking to a nineteen year old who thinks survival prostitution is ‘like, really cool when you think about it’.
Shane, just tell her you’re in love with her mom! That’d be a hell of a turn off for any reasonable angry teen.
Kit is helping a pouting Marina by assuring her that her happiness in Francesca’s absence is just as important as anyone else’s. Kit, baby, I love you but I am going to have to respectfully disagree.
A short list of people whose happiness is more important to me than Marina’s
- Dana
- Alice
- Bette
- Tina
- That cute dolphin from the opening
- Kit
- George McGovern
But bless you for trying, Kitten.
Chez Tim: Jenny dumps four heart attacks’ worth of salt on her carrots and tries to have a semi-normal conversation with Tim. To be honest, the weirder and more awkward Jenny gets (and the more willing the show is to poke a little fun at her), the more favourably I am disposed to her. She asks Tim whether Trish the Swim Girl cried when he broke up with her with scientific gusto, then describes the following short story:
Jenny: It’s about a woman that’s been mute from birth, and then she discovers that she’s able to speak the language of manatees.
Tim: [drinks to suppress laughter]
You may win me yet, Jenny Schecter. Except oh Sexy Jesus she is asking Tim if she can bring Robin back to her garden for some lady time. Fortunately, Wednesday is Man Night and Tim is very gracious about Jenny’s desire to make salad with some random chick. Kinky, Tim!
Planet Xena: Oh hi, Matthew McConaughey circa Magic Mike! Good to see you’re getting some of that time-travel work.
I love the idea that lesbians would go to see a drag king show in the same way that straight girls show up on the reg for the burlesque shows at our local cabaret (shout out, Kitty Nights!) and the crew seems to agree. Kit introduces Ivan A. Cock, which is a really boring drag name and he looks like a weaslier James Dean, which I just can’t get behind.
But the music in this episode is really solid so far.
Marina scopes out her Jenny competition and doesn’t seem too nervous. Don’t underestimate Robin, Marina – she appears to haven an actual human heart, which I hear is an asset in these sorts of deals.
Ivan is hitting on Kit, who seems to be enjoying it so I’ll allow it. You do you, baby. Turns out they’re both dry and ‘in the program’, which is promising. I was wondering why Kit didn’t have a proper sponsor, as I understand it’s a pretty integral part of the AA system. He (she? I am still unclear on what general pronoun to use when drag queens/kings are in drag RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE YOU HAVE CONFUSED ME DEEPLY) offers his number in case she wants to talk – for any reason. Meow.
Northern Tibette: Tina is clicking out of the house in her most professional black blouse and skirt (it’s okay Tina, not everyone can master the Bette Porter pantsuit) on her way to court with Oscar. She’s also starting an organic food co-op for high school kids, hooking herself up with a high-powered lawyer and generally moving on with her life like a boss.
Bette: That’s great!
Bette, honey, this is not your most convincing ‘that’s great’ face.
Thus far the show’s posited Tina as dangerously codependent, but I think Bette’s the one who really relies on the relationship to tell her who she is and how she should be. If Tina doesn’t need help to hold herself together, what is Bette’s role in the relationship? And for that matter, in life? Her moral foundation is already askew thanks to Carpenter Candace, and without the high ground she’s used to I think Bette is floundering.
Chez Fairbanks: Sports weaboo Tonya is lying in Dana’s bed and she has so much less of a right to be there than the majestic Mr. Piddles. Seriously, look at this fabulous beast.
I love you, Mr. Piddles.
Apparently Tonya is responsible for Mr. Piddles over the weekend, and Dana is giving detailed verbal instructions regarding his thyroid medication (I usually leave an exhaustive typed set of instructions with my cat sitters, but I also usually do not sleep with them.) Dana talks to her cat like a baby and he purrs. It’s still incredibly endearing.
Data has the right idea.
Tonya kicks Mr. Piddles off the bed, which is how you can tell she’s not a real lesbian, and calls her buddy to gloat about banging the glorious Dana. Tonya, I hate your guts, but if I were sleeping with Dana I would want everyone to know too.
The CAC: More protestors.
Or possibly a meeting of the fifth annual Tautology convention?
Candace can French braid her own hair, which I admire. She can also rock a pair of overalls, which from experience I know is deeply difficult. The protestors give her crap, which she fully does not take because she is on her way inside to rub shoulders suggestively with Bette while discussing Shoji screens.
Bette can’t handle it and says ‘fuck’ under her breath in a way that is so sexy that I wish I could do aural screencaps as well as visual ones.
Bette: What happened the other night cannot happen again. You understand?
Has anyone in the history of media ever said that and not gone in for a kiss immediately afterwards? At this point it’s basically code for ‘I acknowledge this is a bad idea, so let’s get our mack on.’ The mack in this instance is interrupted by Bette’s sideburn-y assistant with questions about the protestors.
Candace thinks a human shield is a good idea. Quick Bette, shield Candace! No, don’t do that. I’m very conflicted about this relationship. The assistant gets on the bullhorn to rally for the gallery. Viva la Sexy Jesus! On the front lines, the crew (notably minus Tina) is here to help with the shield. My shriveled heart is warmed.
Planet Xena: Marina is hitting on Robin with the same tactics she used on Jenny, down to literally referencing the same author. Your game is stale and ill, Marina. Kit pops by to propose a fundraiser for the Planet, but when Marina asks her to partner up (No Kit! Never partner anything with Marina) Kit confesses that she hasn’t received any royalties from the Artist Formerly Known as Snoop Daddy Lion, which is sad but predictable.
Behind them, a tall blonde woman waves to Kit – it’s Ivan, out of drag! She totally looks like a cowboy.
The CAC: The protestors are being genuinely obnoxious and threatening, which I guess isn’t different from what they’ve been doing all along but it appears to be ramping up. A big guy shoves Bette and Candace breaks the wall to push him away – ART RIOT! The police jump out and start grabbing people as Ivan and Kit arrive.
My fierce Kitten wants to jump right in, but Ivan reminds her that she has a DUI (how did she know that? Guess Kit didn’t waste time getting to that phone call) and should probably avoid risking another arrest. Good thinking, Ivan.
Damn, it looks like they actually arrested everyone. I guess I should have expected that from the title, but this looks more serious than your average drunk tank. Someone throws Bette into the wagon and she lands unconvincingly on Candace’s lap.
Guys, don’t have eye-sex in public! Didn’t you see the signs? That’s INDECENT.
Alice takes the opportunity to tease one of the female protestors (clad in a prim baby-pink turtleneck and cross) by wolf-whistling and snapping her teeth like a tiny blonde shark. I love you, Alice.
The Clink: Another solid music cue with some very emotional harmonica as the girls are processed.
Officer: I’m going to need you to remove your shoes, any hard objects including combs, hairpins, all watches and… cell phones.
Alice: (who has been a sass bucket all episode) Oh no. That’s like taking our life support away. You can’t do that.
I guess some things haven’t changed much in a decade.
Aquarium
Oh my god this is beauteous and full of hilarity. Jenny is writing at the aquarium (probably the Vancouver Aquarium! I used to go there all the time as a kid to see the octopus) and I kid you not, her words are appearing against the tank in a font last seen on an eighteen year old’s So It Goes ankle tattoo.
As soon as I stopped attempting to take them seriously, Jenny’s writing scenes went from tedious to delightful – they remind me of a Saturday Night Live skit. Also, belugas are cute and shaped like flubber. You may continue writing your terrible, terrible stories, Jenny. You have received the Benediction Of The Beluga.
The Hoosegow: All the girls are calling their respective ladies and/or exes to bail them out. Candace calls Yolanda, Bette is nasty to Tina (no, Bette!), Shane pushes back a date with Cherie, Alice just checks her messages, and Dana calls Terrible Tonya – to see how Mr. Piddles is doing. Ha! Dana is a treasure.
Candace and Bette are in a separate cell designed to stimulate sexual tension – for this reason, they have also been outfitted in the rarely seen Sexy Prison Long Johns. Seriously, they’re like clinging white v-necks with buttons, it’s hilarious. Bette tells Candace that she literally cannot sit near her, at which time Candace gamely suggests the alphabet game.
You’re cute, Candace. I hope you don’t make me slay you.
Aquarium Of Terrible Writing: A young, somewhat effete Severus Snape sits down next to Jenny and starts chatting her up. Maybe he was drawn in by the floating words. He introduces himself as Gene Fineburg, and I would make a fine joke but he’s not my type. He describes the mating rituals of manatees (which are genuinely kind of creepy, but so is a lot of the animal kingdom and that is not very sexy small talk Mr. Fineman), and tells her that he is the Assistant Curator of Fish. Ha. Maybe Jenny should call herself the Assistant Curator of Papayas.
He calls her a ‘nice Jewish girl’ and implies that this is mutually exclusive with working at a grocery store. Hey, watch it buddy, my sister and I both worked at grocery stores all through high school. She gives Fineman her number and he exits awkwardly. Colour me mildly interested.
Planet Xena: Marina continues to hit on Robin by talking obnoxiously about books. I get the feeling ‘Anne Carson’ isn’t a much better writer than Jenny. Fight the power, Robin! Fight the Catherine Zeta-Jones.
The Joint: Ivan knows what Kit wants, and what Kit wants is Reese’s Peanut-Butter Cups. You know my soul, Kit. And apparently so does Ivan. At any rate, Bette’s noxious boss shows up to bail her out.
Jail Cell Of Unbearable Sexual Tension: They’re actually playing an alphabet game! Bless. Unfortunately, there are only 26 letters, and what do you do after that?
Bette: [panicked] There are no X, Ys or Z’s.
I include this shot because it clearly illustrates the Sexy Prison Long Johns, and for no other reason.
Bette: Let’s do math.
The harmonica returns and bodes no good. Kudos to everyone involved in this scene… it really does seem like they desperately want to bone. Then they have in-person phone sex. Really. Bette presses herself against the wall and Candace lays down and they try to physically restrain themselves from touching one another while Bette talks Candace off.
God bless this weird, weird show.
Full disclosure – I know this sounds absurd, and I am sure Jennifer Beals and Co. were a little unsure when they got this script, but somehow this scene is hot. I promise.
The Shed: Jenny and Robin sit catty-corner on her floor (note: the salad is only marginally in evidence). I like Robin. She’s a sweetheart. She also gets her belated coming-out story, which takes place at the circus. Jenny asks if she feel in love with the bearded lady.
Jenny also talks about her own less-than-spectacular first time, and it feels like something that might have actually happened. This is another good scene – it has the right energy for an early date with someone you dig, that mix of rolling out yourself and hearing someone else open up that’s so intoxicating.
Which is great for Jenny, because she’s about to do it all again with Fineman! Whoops. Fortunately, Robin is also dating, which makes the whole thing marginally less icky. Tim is home with his douchebro buddies, who hoot and holler when Jenny attacks Robin with her mouth outside. Gross.
Afterwards, Tim plops down next to Jenny and apologizes for his dbag friends. He’s a good guy, but his insecurities get the better of him and he asks if he’s the reason Jenny’s less-than-straight. Eric Maebius is good here too – of course it’s a stupid thing to think, but it’s also an understandable one and he plays it well.
Today, you get your very own screencap, Tim.
I Ran Out Of Words That Mean Jail: Tina approacheth! Bette’s boss has gotten her out, but he didn’t set anything up for the rest of the crew so Oscar leaps into action. In the cell, post-orgasm, Bette and Candace are pillow-talking from opposite sides of the room. Alice and co. are out too – I have to say I am disappointed we did not get to see them enjoy prison, but I am sure hijinks abounded. Tina hugs Alice and Shane goes straight for Kit.
Tina and Candace meet over the little swingy-gate at the front of the station, and Bette introduces Candace as her ‘uh, cell-mate’. Is this the new euphemism? Kit introduces Ivan to Bette as ‘he’, and Bette is also a bit confused – thank you for making me feel better about my confusion, Bette you angel – but Ivan seems pronoun-chill, so do what you will.
The crew pile into cars for their respective homes after narrowly avoiding a Tibette/Candace road trip, except for Shane who opts to wait for Cherie.
Four hours later, she’s still there. Oh honey.
This might have been the first time I enjoyed Jenny’s subplot the most in an episode. You’re growing on me, Jenny. Like a waifish fungus.
Next Week: We hit the end of season one! It feels so soon.
Still not over the end of the last episode: it’s the L Word Virgin.
I looked up miscarriage percentages once I stopped sniffling (my mum had one, and I always thought it was a pretty unusual occurrence), and the figures I came up with were as high as twenty percent. Twenty percent! That’s a fifth of women who know they’re pregnant who’ll miscarry. And yet no one talks about it.
I blame the patriarchy.
Anyways! That was last episode, this is this episode.
L Word: Flashback Edition! Two twenty-eight year old schoolgirls make out unconvincingly under a truly terrible fluorescent light. Cue the porno director, and kudos to Show here – this really looks like porn acting. I particularly liked when the ‘principal’ entered and one actress covered her breasts, embarrassed – then started squeezing them as if she couldn’t help herself.
Bam! El present. Tina lethargically whisks an egg. Ouch. If I were Bette, I would have systematically removed all ovum from the house. Speaking of which, enter Bette, who is clearly on the way to work but takes time to comfort her (rightly) grieving lady. Later, Tina is folding baby clothes and putting away books and this is so damn sad I can’t even appreciate Kit standing there.
The CDC (Center for Dyke Control) is back on Bette’s case, where she has been predictably hoisted by her own petard for her sharpness with Nancy Reagan outside the gallery. As much as the art might not be to my taste – oh Sexy Jesus, what hast thou wrought – I feel for her here.
Garden shed: Oh, it’s Trish The Swim Girl. I wouldn’t think she’d be Tim’s type if he dated Jenny, though it was clearly foreshadowed. She looks like she climbs some mountains. I know I haven’t given Jenny much love in these reviews, but Mia Kirschner is genuinely funny here, mumbling awkwardly about toast. Trish The Swim Girl does what sane people do to rambling waifish hoboes and completely ignores her.
Francesca and Marina fight. I am so done with these nasty, unpleasant, indecisive privileged people. It’s just impossible to care about them and their cattiness and their vacation house in Nedra. (Nigra? I don’t even know if that’s a real place. Forgive my ignorance.) Anyway, Fran reminds Marina that she has to work because Marina’s in debt, then tries to make it up to her by telling her she can mess around with Jenny while Fran is gone.
2004 moment: They’re fighting because Fran is about to land a huge score in Virginia as the fashion director… for Drew Barrymore. Aww.
Shopped! Whither the wolverine?
SALON
Shane proves that she is the Bad Idea Hair-y by threatening Dana with a mullet. NO SHANE NO! Alice is somehow still sleeping with Lisa the Lesbian Man, and talking about dick in front of her capital-L lesbian friends, which I know from experience is a dyke faux pas. She mentions being late, and that means it’s time for my first Wild Mass Guessing L Word Prediction:
1. Alice will become pregnant by Lisa the Lesbian Man (ugh). Bette and Tina raise the baby because they deserve it. The baby somehow does not turn into a gay-male identified woman because please Sexy Jesus no.
I grossed myself out. Alice, you deserve so much better! And whoomp, there it is only a scene later. Thanks for not beating around the bush, L Word. So to speak. Side note: Shane. Still hot with glasses, in case you were wondering. Also the voice of reason, as she brings up giving the baby to Tibette and raising it as OBHLF. D’aww.
Apparently Dana (now sporting a slightly shaggier version of The Rachel) is in the throes of a full on lesbian makeover courtesy of Shane and Alice.
Shane: We gotta take her to Fred Segel.
Dana: (re. her totally inoffensive pink tank top) But I got this at Fred Segel.
You can wear whatever you want with me, Dana. But before we can get a Cage Aux Folles shopping montage, Cherie calls and summons – there’s really no other word for it – Shane away to her Mazerati. I apologize if it’s not a Mazerati, I’m not one of those car lesbians.
Maybe it is a Kinkajou. Cars are named after animals, right?
This whole Cherie thing seems weird to me. Doesn’t it seem like Shane would want to be in the driver’s seat of whatever relationship she was in? The power dynamic is all wrong. Also Cherie pronounces the word modern ‘mo-der-ne’. That said, we do get to see Shane’s lower-back violin tattoo so I can’t complain too much.
GROUP
I’m really glad the group therapy is a recurring thing for Tibette and not just a one-episode plot point. Not everyone makes sense, but it feels like a more realistic portrait of group than others I’ve seen on television. People want to make their opinions heard, even if their opinions come from a very dark or damaged place.
The group is highly sympathetic to Tina’s overt display of grief and as usual come down a bit on Bette for her ‘hard’ exterior. The walls come back up when the shrink gently pushes her and Bette responds stolidly that she doesn’t need to cry. I can respect that.
DA CLUB
At Kit’s show, Bette runs into Yolanda, and outside of the suppressive, political atmosphere of the safety circle they have a weird, almost immediate chemistry. I get the sense that Bette misses having another ‘strong’ personality in the group, even if it’s just to draw attention away from her own stoicism. She introduces Bette to her stunning ex Candace and leads them both over to The Artist Formerly Known As Snoop Slim Daddy Lion Dog, looking very smooth in a white fedora.
Kit looks stunning.
Exhibit A.
And she gives Bette a shout out, and it’s very sweet. The Artist Formerly Known As Snoop Daddy Lion Dog resumes grossing Bette out, but then Kit sings and…
I know it’s just lip synching, but this soft jazzy lounge stuff combined with the halo over Pam Grier’s head is just doing it for me. And obviously Bette and Candace are into it too, because there is some serious eye flirting happening during the number.
The Artist Formery Known As… you get the gist asks if they’d like to go out, but Bette declines. He’s clearly shipping it, though. I bet he goes home and writes some steamy Bette/Candace fan fic in his Dogg house. Bette invites Candace to drop by the museum sometime and Candace practically licks her lips as Bette walks away.
Not that I blame her. Everyone looked damn good in that scene.
Planet Xena: Francesca is smarming all over Marina in front of Shane and Alice. Still not interested. Dana comes in with her new look and a little bit of eye makeup, and she does look very pretty, though I preferred her more natural style.
Alice: Wow! If I didn’t know it was you, I would have thought someone hot just walked in!
Don’t tease me Alice. You have no idea how much better Dana would be for you than Lisa the Lesbian Man. If you really need to get fucked, I would send the two of you a wonderful double-ended dildo. Sadly you are fictional and this episode aired ten years ago.
Marina and Fran are not interested in my OTP, though, and scare off the girls so they can fight more. I was pretty much tuning it out, until Fran said this:
Francesca: Do you want someone to come to your rescue?
Marina: Maybe…
Francesca: Who, Marina? I already rescued you, remember?
So Marina is Francesca’s Jenny, which was hinted at but not explicitly stated up til now. I wonder if this implies some sort of cyclic lesbian relationship abuse?
Speaking of cyclic lesbians… actually, that segue could work for pretty much any scene of this show. In this case, though, it’s Shane’s new business partner Steve, who wants her to babysit his rebellious twenty-something daughter Clea. Whoa. This is weird. Am I getting my wires crossed, or is this Shane’s current squeeze’s kid?
The Headquarters For Social Justice
No joke, that’s what it says on the door. Do they run Tumblr too? (It’s just a joke, I love you Tumblr.) Until disproven, I am assuming all global social justice projects are funneled through this small LA office. Heroes to us all, truly.
Anyways, Tina’s excited to start working with at-risk kids, which I think she’d be really good at, actually! But one of Oscar’s coworkers mentions a televangelist and Tina pounces on a Nancy Reagan lead. At the CAC, Bette is being quizzed on her upcoming debate with said Nancy Reagan when Tina calls with a scoop – or what she thinks is a scoop. Bette chides Oscar for crossing the plot streams instead of letting Tina just run an arts and crafts camp or something, but someone hands him a VHS tape with what looks like 1970s lesbian erotica on the cover and suddenly the shoe is on the other foot.
Turns out the tape is that masterpiece from the opening credits, Here Cums The Principal, starring none other than Nancy’s daughter, Cora Buckley. She ran away from home after years of torment by her abusive father and passive mother (oh hi, Mrs. Reagan!). Poor kid.
Oscar urges Bette and Tina to make the information public.
Oscar: We take the high road, we end up in the ditch. We have to get into their closets.
This is an interesting scene, especially given the number of sex and violence scandals that have come out with Republican legislators in the past decade. This is only tangentially relevant, but I would like to point you to the wonderful www.gayhomophobe.com, a website devoted solely to tracking how long it has been since a homophobic leader was caught in a gay sex scandal. Delightful.
Mini Golf
Shane wins Clea over. Obvs. She is a magical lady-whisperer. Dark, ‘edgy’ Shane in her CRIMINAL sweatshirt and wolverine hair out in the midday sun surrounded by kids makes for a fun contrast. They chat a little and then Shane just has to do some hands-on teaching because there is no way to instruct a student without tenderly placing your hands on her hips.
This is Oedipal and weird, Shane. Are you secretly in Cruel Intentions?
Watching Shane suck Clea in is like watching iron filings cling desperately to a magnet. When Clea finally goes for the kiss, it feels less like a move and more like someone slowly tipping into a pit and letting gravity do the rest. Shane’s weird-o-meter, thus far dormant, finally kicks in and she stops the train (whoops, there are a lot of mixed similes in this paragraph), Pull a Graduate, Shane! At the very least, you’ll get an awkward bus ride out of it.
Homeless hipsters, a surprisingly nuanced look at non-traditional parenting, and Alice shoving cake in her mouth while wearing pearls. It's the L Word Virgin.
Today on LESBIAN: Flashback Edition - Crimson and Clover and horses! I always knew the Saddle Club books would have made for great lesbian erotica. Two girls of indeterminate age are making out in a horse stable under a conveniently-placed ray of sunlight, but it’s 1968, so their training-bra love can never be. Mm, jodhpurs.
Meanwhile in the future, Tibette are snarking outside of a… support group of some kind? Oh, it’s like group couples therapy for folks who are about to have kids. The chopped-up interviews here are actually very touching - the participants mention anxieties about raising a child alone, biological vs. adoptive ties, and the fear that parenthood will strain relationships already showing fault-lines.
Speaking of which, hi Bette! She refuses to participate in a really nasty tone, and I feel for poor Tina when she’s next in the chair. She pulls something out of her ass about Bette’s father which I don’t think was meant as a dig, but Bette certainly takes it that way. Rough waters ahead for these two.
Off to the Races! During floor-sharing-circle-hour Yolanda (the other black woman in the group) calls Bette out for hiding behind her white-passing skin, insinuates that she’s uncomfortable with her race, and tells her that until she comes to terms with her background she isn’t fit to parent.
Oh Jenny
Chez Swim Team, home and garden edition. Hilariously, Tim appears to have kept his promise and Jenny is actually living in his garden shed. Being a human puppy, she has been adopted again, this time by an old rocker friend with an early-Meg Ryan haircut who greets her with an enthusiastic ‘Hi Thin Girl’!
They get drunk because college friends amirite and decide to break into Tim’s house, ostensibly to retrieve a corkscrew but really to mess with his stuff and drink wine on his couch. Jenny’s behaviour has been so erratic all season that it seems odd to call her character inconsistent now, but her wild swings from remorseful snot-ball to callous wild-girl just make hard to either believe or relate to.
Jenny bares all to College Friend, who is duly impressed. I think she wants to jump her bones.
Man, the music in this episode is awesome.
Dana Fairbanks, Professional Lesbian
Hurray! I was starting to think she wouldn’t be in this episode. Dana and co. are at Planet Xena, checking out her magazine ad. (Shane offhandedly mentions that they should all go to someplace called Twat, which…)
WHY WOULD YOU NAME A NIGHTCLUB THAT.
The girls seem more excited than Dana, who is getting cold feet at the thought of her sexuality front and center, for some reason... And whoops! She’s not out to her folks. 2004 called, it wants its late-twenties successful white lesbian fearing reprisal from her parents back. Although to be fair, we don’t have much info about Dana’s background. Before we continue, shall we play Guess Why An LGBT Television Character’s Parents Are Bigots (Coming Out Edition)?
Dana: I can’t do it today, Al. My mother’s getting that award from her women’s group or whatever.
Marina: Your mother belongs to a women’s group? That’s good.
Alice: Nu-uh. Orange County Republican Women’s Coalition.
Alice bounds after a distressed Dana, and Dana rips my lesbian heart to pieces by reminding Alice that she was a dick to adorable chef Lara. But Alice promises to come to the Orange County Republican Women’s Coalition for moral support and my heart pieces recover a little. (If you can’t tell I am a little confused about my Dana shipping.)
Back in TiBette, there is still a bonnet-bee about Black Yolanda.
2004 Alert: Tina, in her cute pajamas: “She’s a writer. Yolanda Watkins. I Googled her.” We know, sweetheart. That is what one does in the 21st century.
Anyways, Black Yolanda seems to have seriously rocked Bette’s boat, but no time for that! Back to Tim’s house, where Jenny and College Friend are still squatting and discussing Jenny’s return to Catville.
ALERT ALERT SOMEONE SELF-IDENTIFIED AS BISEXUAL ON A TV SHOW HOW ARE WE GOING TO MESS IT UP THIS TIIIME.
Jenny: I think I’m bisexual.
College Friend: Oh brother. (eyeroll)
But honestly, I have high hopes for Jenny here. Bi characters on mainstream TV are rare as all get out, and often treated abysmally by their storylines. The L Word has an opportunity to take a more thoughtful approach, especially since it has so many other queer characters that they don’t have to worry about lesbian representation in the same was as say, Glee did (NO DO NOT SPEAK THE NAME IT BURNS US.) Jenny outlines what a dillweed Marina is, and College Friend sticks her nose in business that is patently not hers and convinces Jenny to creep out Marina and Francesca’s place. She’s like the Bad Idea Bear of tousled rocker chicks.
At the Planet: well, outside it, College Friend (who has now graduated to Annette, her character’s name, because this actress is doing a lot of things right and she has enormous bambi eyes) is scoping out Marina. And Francesca. Oops. Marina sees Jenny lurking outside and proceeds to make out with F’s face.
Yes Jenny, you’re very pretty when you’re distressed.
A lot of this episode is shot through windows and doors, and it’s very effective and striking. Props to the director here.
Later, in Jenny's car, she and Annette are creepily staking out Marina and Francesca's sun-drenched date. Jenny is clearly on the fence, but Annette the Bad Idea Bear has a new plan: go to Twat and make Marina jealous. I maintain that Twat is a terrible name for a lesbian night, though. Would gay guys call a club night Dick?
...that's a really bad example, gay guys would totally do that.
A Wild Kit Appears!
I have to say, I like Kit as a character, but the show is really struggling to integrate her storylines with the rest of the show, so it often feels jarring and abrupt when she shows up. She’s negotiating a sampling contract with naïve enthusiasm when Bette sweeps in and tries to Business the promoter, not realizing how desperate Kit is for the exposure.
And to add insult to injury, some butthurt Christians are up in Bette’s grill at work about the Provocations exhibit at the museum. She can’t catch a break this week, but her pantsuits remain amazing. Hang in there, Bette. Let Tina help you.
The Orange County Republican Women’s Coalition, Closet Department
Alice and Dana are Ocean’s 11-ening the plan to each other in their Subaru. Alice/Dana BUDDY COP HEIST MOVIE NOW PLEASE. Despite her assurance that she can ‘look Republican’, Alice is a deeply unconvincing femme parody, complete with pearl necklace.
Creepily, Dana’s mom Sharon bears more than a passing resemblance to Alice. Oedipal. Dana’s noxious little brother Howie has a copy of the Subaru ad and starts tormenting her with it. Screw you, bratty brother. I hope Dana shows Mom where you hide all your lingerie catalogues.
Dana: Mom, Dad… I’m a fruit!
But just as Dana is about to come out f’realz, a blonde harbinger of doom in a cardigan approaches them and asks Dana to sign a copy of the Subaru ad for her son. (It’s in a copy of the Advocate! Very nice, L Word.) Fortunately/unfortunately, Dana’s folks should be hanging with Alicia Silverstone circa 1995 because they are Clueless.
Dana’s Mom: Get out and stay out! …I’m not really sure what that means.
Dana: It’s for women who are like me. Who are... out.
Dana: ...doorsy. Outside a lot. Playing tennis!
Alice and Dana retire for a bathroom pep-talk where Alice makes little hand puppets to represent Howie and Sharon and she is too cute I could die. Also you can tell it's 2004 because a sympathetic character (Dana) describes being dumb as 'retarded', which would definitely not be kosher now.
Back in Republican Land, Sharon is giving a talk about how grateful she is when the camera does a runner and swoops in on an old photo behind her - it's Saddle Club girl from the opening! Ah, so she's one of those Rejected By My Teen Crush homophobes. A lot of them around these days.
Out on the deck, Horrible Howie offers Dana and Alice a joint and reveals himself to be marginally less horrible than advertised, telling her he supports her. Toke up, everyone!
Oh damn. That happened so fast I almost missed it. Very nice, L Word. Dana has come out to her folks essentially off-screen and Mom's not taking it well. Must be Post-Traumatic Stable Disorder. After being so supportive, Alice wusses out and says she has a boyfriend, which - come on Alice. You're better than that (both lying and having a boyfriend).
DanaMom is labouring under the illusion that all girls want to tongue-kiss their lady friends and just repress the urge which... if that were true I would have had much more fun in high school.
Back at the race course, Bette and Yolanda are throwing down. They're touching on very heavy stuff about black identity and to what extent minorities have a responsibility to 'represent' for their respective categories, which culminates in Bette calling Yolanda out on the fact that although she is drumming for representation, she didn't come out as a lesbian to the group. Yolanda comes back to paint Bette as a victim of the white patriarchy, but Bette's having none of it.
Bette: You don't know how I've gone through the world. You have no idea.
I really hope they keep exploring this, because I have no idea how Bette's gone through the world either.
Twat (The Night)
Outside the club, Shane gives money and drugs to her junkie klepto roommate. This will end well.
Everyone has glowsticks and it's cute and very 2004. Alice and Dana recount the afternoon to Shane, who has her usual impeccable gaydar and pins Sharon for one of them horse lesbians, but they shoot her down. Always listen to Shane's gaydar, even if her taste in roomies is crummy.
Jenny and Annette are at the bar, still creeping on Marina and Francesca. Annette is a terrible actor, but has drawn the attention of the table merely for being an unfamiliar woman. Annette is trying to pump Jenny up jealousy-style, which of course prompts Fran (never calling her Francesca again, it gives her too much dignity) to come over and aggressively invite Jenny and Annette to dinner. I'm not sure if it's the performance or the writing, but it comes across as weirdly confrontational.
Sharing Circle
Back in therapy, a nice soft camera overlay opens the thoughts of all the participants. They're not nearly as vulnerable or sweet as the things they said in the beginning, trending towards the petty and uncomfortable. It's a nice bookend to the episode, and when Tina tries to tie a bow on the experience while Bette wonders if she's falling out of love, it really hurts.
Flotsam
During Dana’s coming-out scene, there is an enormous fruit buffet at the table, but Alice has somehow found a piece of chocolate mousse cake. Atta girl, Alice.
Maybe Anette and Tim should hook up. She's way more fun than Jenny.
Season 1, Episode 7: I'm On A Boat (Now Get Me Off)
Boats, baths and pre-natal helicopter parents. It's the L Word Virgin.
A Gift of the Magi episode! Oh clever, clever show. We got combs, watches – the whole nine yards. And also an Italian fashionista feeling up her model, which is presented as super hottt (the extra ts are to indicate relative hotness), but makes me uncomfortable, as did the opening scene in episode three. Pro-tip: unless your model is doing this
it's probably not a good idea to hit on them.
Back in LA, things are FINALLY coming to a head with Jenny and DfUB – who from now on will be known by his character’s name, as he has finally done something that gives him some character – testing Jenny’s liar reflexes by confronting her about her affair with Marina. She fails the test because Jenny Schecter is a self-serving snotwipe, and Tim, obviously prepared for this eventuality, throws her pre-packaged clothes out on the lawn. (Hilariously, he also throws out an double-armful of her toiletries. WOMEN AMIRITE.)
Shane is bragging about having an appointment to cut Madonna’s hair. NO MADONNA DON’T LET SHANE CUT YOUR HAIR SHE USES A LIVE WOLVERINE. Then the TiBette train arrives and things get gross astonishingly fast.
The L Word: bringing you the look on all friends’ faces when they listen to someone talk about the intimate details of pregnancy since 2004. Tina wants the girls to attend some bizarre prenatal yoga ceremony.
Bette: The Sikhs believe that the soul enters the fetus’s body at thirteen weeks.
And republicans believe it happens at the point of conception. I wonder if they had a ceremony for that?
There is some amazing face-acting in this scene by Katherine Moennig. Never enough taking the piss out of pregnant people, I say.
Bette and Tina are a force of procreation that must be stopped, and thus: vagintervention! Dana, Shane and Alice sit the happy couple down for some real talk: being pregnant is making them boring (well, more boring). You can tell it’s serious because Alice has her 2004 hipster glasses on. Charges against TiBette include vaginal oversharing, wearing fuzzy slippers, and not liking cats enough.
Dana: Slander against cats, write that down.
L Word Rule 362: Cats.
In all honesty, this scene and the entire TiBette subplot tonight were delightful. The girls are having so much fun playing armchair psychologists. (But what do they have against fuzzy wuzzy slippers? I used to have a pair of orange one with Tigger heads on them and let me tell you they were very stylish.)
Meanwhile at Planet Xena, Jenny is waiting for Marina to stop swanning around behind the coffee machine and come pick her up. She’s tiny and dirty, and looks kind of like the last kid to get picked up from summer camp at the end of the week.
Marina: What do you need, Jenny?
Jenny: I need a bath.
Which is maybe the most self-aware thing Jenny’s ever said on this show. Marina shows Jenny the result of her encounter with Tim, and wow, Marina must bruise like a peach. Those are some perfect fingerprints. Jenny’s response to all this is to hop into Marina’s bathtub and reenact The Ring.
Locker room shenanigans: Dana’s handler may actually be Satan. He bullies her into staying closeted, insults her and hits on her all in a single sentence. I hate his guts.
To the boat!
Never let it be said that the L Word will not make a cheap cum joke if they have the opportunity. But I ask again – were there no butch lesbians in Los Angeles in 2004? Or did this boat cruise just have a minimum hair length and maximum BMI requirement?
Pre-boat trip, Dana has an awkward public fight with Lara because Satan told her to hetero it up for Subaru. Epiphany: doesn’t Lara look and sound like a young Drew Barrymore? She’s so cute. And she might also be telepathic, because she sniffs out Satan’s influence in a snap. Dana can’t handle it, though, and books it to behave badly on a boat.
I am continuing to ignore the Lisa the Lesbi-Man subplot because it has remained incredibly stupid. Alice sleeps with him, he panics and leaves. You deserve better, Alice! You’ve deserved better than everyone you’ve slept with on this show!
In a rather disturbing cut, we go from Jenny, Marina, Shane et al making out to Dana ralphing furiously over the side of the Seaman. Poor kid. I feel for her, but wouldn’t it have been easier to just tell Lara the truth?
In the morning, Alice and Dana are sharing a fuzzy blue blanket on the boat deck (my shipper heart lives!) and Shane decides the ultimate in un-boring is to jump up onto the ship’s railing and catwalk across the ocean.
Back home, Dana is in the world’s most adorable pyjamas when Satan enters and smarms all over her. Kick his ass, Dana!
Aww, Kit opens up to Bette about her son! We get more of the weird family dynamic that feels uncomfortable, but real. Kit asks Bette to come with her to see David and Bette agrees, which warms my tiny frozen heart.
Jenny is U-Hauling hard. She wants to bring her journals over to Marina’s house, but you know in a couple of weeks her collection of Indonesian army relics is going to be there too. Marina would just love her to do that, but casually drops that ‘Francesca’ is coming home, so it’s impossible. (Remember Molesty McFashion Designer from the Gift of the Magi opening?) Jenny is shocked, but I’m not. Marina is European, after all.
Jenny: Who are you?
Marina: Um, the kind of person who would aggressively hit on a woman in front of her boyfriend? And then shamelessly carry on an affair directly under his nose? I’m not sure what you were expecting here.
Dana’s bouncing away on the court when Lara sweeps by and her beautiful red hair is illuminated by the afternoon light and she doesn’t look over and it’s sad. But! After the shoot, a cute ad exec from Subaru pitches Dana the campaign, which is full-on gaytastic, and Satan tries to come around to save face. Then Dana fires him.
Kit is at the bar and the bartender makes her a drink – just seltzer, but he puts it in a deceptive martini glass because he has a side gig RUINING LIVES. David rounds the corner just in time to see her drinking and he walks away and it’s sad. But why did he decide to meet her in a bar? Maybe David didn’t inherit the Bette Porter smarts.
Hobo Jenny crawls back to Tim with her tail almost literally between her legs. There’s a music cue that makes me think we’re supposed to feel sorry for her, but I’m not buying it. He literally won’t let her in the house. Tiny abandoned Jenny-dog! That’s what you get for peeing on Tim’s slippers.
Credit Gag of the Episode:
I am happy to tell you that Heterosexual Woman Diana Pavloska has gone on to a fabulous career in Canadian-shot American television, notably Fringe, Supernatural and Final Destination 5. Congratulations for rising above your heterosexuality, Diana! We should all be so lucky.
TiBette are cute even about artificial insemination, Alice Jeff Goldblums about vaginal connection, and Dana scores with a chef and with Subaru. It’s the L Word Virgin.
How To Spot A Lesbian
Jenny takes a backseat to the Twat Pack this episode, to the show’s benefit. After a test-run at Planet Xena, Alice, Dana and Shane use every possible lesbian stereotype to determine whether Dana’s super-cute chef crush is interested. This includes judging fashion choices, which none of the women in this show are equipped to do because they all live in California circa 2004. They even send Shane in to test the waters, to my horror. I had a real ‘yell at the movie’ moment with my TV.
L WORD RULE 27: Do not let Shane go near your crush! Are you crazy?
Fortunately (perhaps a magical repulsion charm?) cute-chef-crush is immune to Shane. Unfortunately, the following line: “I was wondering if you had any of those, you know… sweet little figs.”
was not immediately followed by:
“Well how about a date, then?”
which makes me fear for the future of television writing.
But honestly, I feel for Dana. My gaydar is awful. I spend a lot of time on the bus looking for pink triangles stitched to backpacks – and I’m not even sure that’s a thing lesbians do any more. For Dana it doesn’t matter, because in the communal chef/athlete change room, cute-chef-crush (whose actual name is Lara) takes an alternate route to finding out whether Dana is interested: she kisses her, very sweetly, and books it. It’s cute.
The Chart and Vaginal Rejuvenation
In any other universe, Alice would be a slightly unhinged gossip-mongering jerk. Here, she is the only voice of sanity, since everyone actually is sleeping with everyone else. (Speaking of which, do you think Dana and Alice ever hooked up? They seem like the kind of friends that would want to hook up.)
Her natural nosiness and interest in who’s screwed who culminate in a truly great moment: an interactive (2004-fancy!) web of names showing the six degrees of lesbian vaginal separation. My friends and I made one of these in high school and it wasn’t nearly that polished. I especially like the swoopy zoom-in effect on Shane’s name. Ladies and gentlemen, CENTRE OF THE LESBIAN UNIVERSE, SHANE.
Alice’s main connection on the chart is apparently with her toxic ex, Gabby. And surprise! She’s working at the vaginal rejuvenation clinic Alice is researching for a story. (I was going to Google ‘vaginal rejuvenation’ to get the details, but then I decided I don’t love you guys that much yet.)
Inadvertent hilarity: I definitely thought this brochure read ‘A Tighter, More Thoughtful Vagina’. So many days, I worry about the mindfulness of my genitals.
Alice clearly has some Unresolved Issues with her ex – I think we’ve all had a relationship where the pull of another person is so strong it outweighs the overwhelming evidence that they’re Bad News. Alice buckles under Gabby’s stare pretty quickly, and we get another first kiss of sorts to cap off the episode.
Jenny Schecter and the Problem Of Artists On TV
Representing prodigious writing talent in a film or TV character is hard. Like, guys, it’s really hard. Presenting a context-less snippet of writing is chancy even when the text is genuinely good, especially in a visual medium. And often, it’s not that good. There are two methods of dealing with this. First: tell don’t show. Have people react to her stories, show your tortured artist scribbling away in her garret (or refurbished garden-house, in Jenny’s case) with tears running down her face, and above all, don’t give us the product.
The L Word has gone for option two: READ THAT BEAST OUT LOUD. While the result is more purple prose than literary gold, it is also extremely funny, and the choice to shoot Jenny’s florid funeral scene with cinematic high-drama is a good one. I’m just not sure how seriously we’re supposed to take her as a writer now.
Side note: Marina? Hot in drag.
Jenny and Daniel-from-Ugly-Betty are engaged f’reals, and DfUB continues to be generally sweet and supportive, to the tune of innocently inviting Marina to a dinner party at their house. Some really bad acting ensues.
But – pleasant surprise! Bette is wise to Marina’s scandalous European ways, and tries to steer her in a less… adulterous direction. While it might have made more sense to talk to Jenny directly, Bette’s talk with Marina is a nice mirror to the girls’ warnings to Alice re: sexy Gabby. These people are going to do each other no good at all – and it doesn’t matter. Because sexy.
At night’s end, Former American Idol Host Randy Jackson off-handedly remarks on Marina’s universal sex appeal, and everyone catcalls along with him except Jenny, who feigns disinterest.
Hey Jenny?
Soup Chef: The Rest
» Tina’s turnaround on having a black donor seemed kind of un-motivated, but we’ll chalk that up to pilot/first episode dissonance. Her scenes with Bette were very sweet this week.
» Having a turkey baster full of sperm squirted on you: the ultimate lesbian nightmare.
» Shane’s appeal evidently does have limits: my male SBF (straight best friend), who watched this episode with me, refers to her as the ‘scary shark lesbian’.
» I wish answering machines were still a thing so I could leave messages that consisted solely of the phrase, “I was thinking of you”, followed by an extremely un-sexy BEEP. Total mood-killer.
» Kit’s storyline is killing me already. Anyone who knows an AA participant has probably had a painful, awkward litany of mistakes and transgressions reeled off to them as part of the program. It’s cathartic but difficult for both parties, and I thought the show handled it very well.
Watching the pilot of a new series is kind of like walking into school on your first day. There’s a bunch of people and you don’t know anyone, except everyone else hung out all summer at the pool and they already have drama and little allegiances and grudges going on. Your best option is just to hang back for a while and observe so you don’t stick your foot in your mouth.
Fortunately this is a television show, so it’s also our only option. Let us begin!
Premise
Los Angeles, California (with a locations boost from Vancouver, doing a surprisingly good job of mimicking somewhere with actual sun). Aspiring writer and hipster faerie Jenny is ready to move into her boyfriend’s remodeled garage, write the Great Sapphic Novel and find herself. Little does she know that every lesbian in the tri-state area lives within in ten miles of her house, and they are - to a man - circling her like wolves.
Or puppies. PUPPIES!
This pilot could give Game of Thrones a run for its money character volume-wise (not death wise. No one has died… yet), so let’s try and get our main players on the board.
Bette and Tina
Bette and Tina are our resident stable couple, and the episode does a good job of showing what works and what doesn’t in their relationship. The good: they seem to genuinely like and respect each other. I mean, going down on your lady whilst she is literally in stirrups indicates a very intense willingness to risk humiliation and/or a serious sit down about hospital hygiene. It’s also cool to see a woman (Bette) in the busy, disaffected ‘husband’ role that pops up so much on TV, even if it’s likely to stir up trouble for them down the road.
2004 Alert: Bette’s tech-savvy with a shiny flip phone and matching black iPod earpiece. Adorable.
Their struggles to find a donor veer towards the ridiculous, but the legal up-and-down of sperm donation and artificial insemination is rich subject matter for a show like this. However –
LADIES, YOUR COMMUNICATION NEEDS WORK. Seriously, are they just walking up to men on the street without explaining how they’re hoping it will go? It happened twice in the pilot alone. But story-wise, Bette and Tina promise mushy stuff as well as a look into the difficulties a lesbian couple might face wanting a biological child. I’m looking forward to it.
Jenny, Marina, and Daniel from Ugly Betty
Precursor: I’m familiar with Eric Maebius as Daniel Meade from Ugly Betty, a show I loved very much when it was on air. Until Tim (his character here) reveals himself to be more than an emotional punching-block, he will be referred to as such
This storyline is already frustrating. Jenny’s infidelity happens so fast that I was almost waiting for a rug-pull, like ‘her relationship with Tim is open and he’s cool with it!’, or ‘she is literally mentally unstable!’. But it would appear that they were just trying to establish the… adultery dynamic? Hopefully it’s just the crowded nature of pilot writing and Jenny will become less of a hormonal jellyfish in future.
On the bright side, I can tell that Marina and Jenny’s exploits are going to provide great GIF illustrations for my Catherine Zeta-Jones/Zooey Deschanel slash-fiction.
Hilarious-In-Context Exchange Of The Episode:
(they're talking about a dinner party)
Jenny: I committed!
Daniel-from-Ugly-Betty: So un-commit! What’s the big deal?
Glad to see they share values.
The Rest
Planet Xena, Marina’s garden of young Sapphites, seems likely to be The L Word’s Central Perk, a spot where the show’s younger characters can congregate, commiserate and swap dirt. Alice (a neurotic writer), Dana (a bi, closeted(?) tennis player) and Shane (sweet goddamn… but also she looks like she combs her hair with a live wolverine) all brought some intriguing tidbits to the pilot, but I’m waiting on more information before diving into their stories.
I'm getting vibes from Alice and Dana though. Best friends hookup within the next few episodes, y/y?
I don’t need to wait on more information about Bette’s sister Kit, though, because M-FING PAM GRIER YESSSS.
She’s set up as a neat foil to Bette, and I’m always curious about how shows handle characters with alcohol problems because it seems to vary from really smart and tasteful to oh no the horror. Also in that first scene with Kit I wasn't sure whether she was being racially profiled or just parked illegally.
All in all, the supporting cast looks promising.
Tidbits + Questions
At the end of the episode, Leanne Adachi is credited as ‘Gay Girl’. This literally describes the entire cast. I raise a glass to you, Gay Girl of the L Word!
I wonder if the show is going to introduce any trans characters?
I like the idea that there’s a gay night at Planet Xena. It appears to be on all nights ending with Y.
The clothes on this show are goddamn crazy. I don't know what else to say about it.
A lot has changed in the media landscape since 2004. Single-camera sitcoms have supplanted laugh-track living rooms. Television production values are higher than ever. Netflix… exists. And there are gays on the TV.
It’s not that television was completely straight ten years ago. Queer as Folk had been running four years by then, Will and Grace six. But now with shows like Modern Family, Orange is the New Black and yes, Glee swishing through airwaves, queer characters can exist, if not without comment, then at least with less comment. Could you imagine Friends - which went off the air in 2004 - being pitched today without at least one of the main players batting for the other team? (I’d put money on Phoebe.) Shows like The L Word were certainly targeted at an LGBT audience, but they also showed producers and broadcasters that straight people were willing and excited to see those communities represented in their media.
And now we have all these great gay characters!
That it is, you beautiful bald-headed man.
Of course, if you don’t have a television, all of this is sort of a moot point.
The year The L Word started airing, I was a closeted high school freshman. We didn’t have TV at home and even if we had, I doubt I would have had the balls to watch something so overtly sexy under my parents’ roof. But since coming out, it seems like every other les-identified woman I meet grew up on The L Word, connected with this or that character, crushed on Shane. One girl even credited the show with helping her come out.
I didn't know Shane was a woman until a week ago.
So when OUTtv decided to air The L Word from the beginning, I saw an opportunity to rectify a significant hole in my knowledge of lesbian culture. (No significant hole jokes in comments, please.) I will be watching the episodes as they air and responding accordingly. That means new reviews will go up Wednesday evenings after airtime. Before we begin:
1. Be excellent to each other. We’re here to watch lesbians make out and break up (probably), not to sling hash.
2. If you’re spoiling this ten-year old television show, please let me know so I can avoid your comment. Y’know, cause that’s kind of the premise of this project. Not knowing stuff.
With that said, LET'S DO THIS. The first episode (a two-parter!) airs this Wednesday at 10PM on OUTtv.
