i write letters to a friend here

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@lykanthropik
i write letters to a friend here
#4
S,
i should really fix my posture. the human body is designed for failure and its uncomfortable to be in. things would be much better if i was a small floating orb. i think id want to be a white orb, its a simple color, and id glow too. or maybe one similar to a fire fly. i know what color orb you’d be… a black one with a reddish purple glow. reminds me of a black berry.
#3
S,
im sure you already know what im going to say…
i couldnt focus on anything since my back was still hurting, so i spent most of the day pacing around my room while listening to music. luckily, it helped my back pain go away but now my feet hurt. i want to shower but im worried ill injure my back again moving around too much. im just going to lay down and put a pillow under my feet. i’ll have to sleep all my feelings away again.
#2
S,
im sorry i didnt write to you yesterday, so im writing it today. i want to try to write to you everyday even if i dont have much to say.
yesterday was uneventful as usual. i tried watching a movie but only got halfway through until my back pain became unbearable, so i slept early, which is why i didnt get to write to you. the movie was lord of the rings, its a very fantastical movie with wizards and elves and such. i might try finishing it today. its just that nothing occupies my mind anymore. everything feels so distant. and my back still kinda hurts.
#1
S,
i wonder how much longer i can go. i want this weekend to be my last, but i know i wont go through with it. in those last days, or so i think they will be my last days in that moment, i feel both refreshed and nauseated thinking of how i cant back out. but because i always back out in the end, i fall into such extreme depressive episodes after and its like my soul becomes comatose until it comes back to life the next weekend in which i plan my attempt again. my planning never reaches actual action, except sometimes. im not scared of dying, what im scared of is surviving and having to continue living in humiliation or disability, or both. if i had a way to know that i would die for sure, then itd be worth the pain. i want this cycle to end already. my life has halted and i see nothing left in my future. i feel like ive already died, everyone around me ignores me and sometimes forgets i exist. if i died, theyd cry and feed off the pity around them, then itd be like nothing happened. im already dead in their minds, i was already mourned when i was alive.
im sorry im starting off with this, i dont have anyone to talk to. at least you will listen.