i should really fix my posture. the human body is designed for failure and its uncomfortable to be in. things would be much better if i was a small floating orb. i think id want to be a white orb, its a simple color, and id glow too. or maybe one similar to a fire fly. i know what color orb you’d be… a black one with a reddish purple glow. reminds me of a black berry.
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today i thought about you to such an extent that i didnt notice my sadness all that much. i thought fondly of you, of course, so it was soothing to my heart. its those days where all the love locked away inside me becomes overwhelming and spills out, into nothing. or sometimes it feels like i’ll explode.
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um… something happened, and half of what i put in this letter disappeared. i said so many things too. i kinda want to cry, but its okay. im going to try to remember what i said.
well, i talked about how winter makes me feel so nostalgic now because i no longer have friends i can speak to. last christmas was the first christmas i spent all alone, in an empty house, speaking to no one at all. i didnt even receive any gifts. honestly, i hope i dont make it til christmas this year.
then i wrote about how i wish i could spend this christmas with you instead, in a cabin floating in space and the stars are snowflakes. and if im still alive, i’ll try to get you a gift. you dont have to worry about getting me anything though, your existence is enough.
and… i cant remember much else. its late so my brain is more foggy than usual. im sorry, i shouldve been more careful.
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i do remember i said i’ll miss you. and how i wish i could write you a thousand more letters, but this feeling cant be expressed through them, so i hope you can sense it through your heart instead.
im very sad now. part of me feels like this is some higher being trying to punish me for being less sad today. oh well.
this is a song i listened to a lot today. its very pretty and fills me with longing.
i couldnt focus on anything since my back was still hurting, so i spent most of the day pacing around my room while listening to music. luckily, it helped my back pain go away but now my feet hurt. i want to shower but im worried ill injure my back again moving around too much. im just going to lay down and put a pillow under my feet. i’ll have to sleep all my feelings away again.
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this weekend theyre all going camping, without me. i like forests and stuff but its way too hot and uncomfortable, so its not like id say yes if they asked me to go. still… the fact that i dont exist to them anymore still hurts. at least that means they dont bother me anymore, even if they still find ways to be annoying without interacting with me.
or im just an irritable person.
anyways, itd be so nice to do that with you instead. i exist to you (right?) and you dont irritate me at all. we’d have to sleep in cabins instead though. i dont want bugs crawling into my face holes, and cabins are much more cozier. that reminds me, i have a place in my mind thats a nice cabin-like house in a rural area, and it snows and the chimney is lit and something is baking in the oven and cartoons are playing on the tv. id love to share that place with you.
if only…
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i want to draw tonight but im not sure how i’ll manage with this sickly and sore feeling. i might just watch something on youtube to numb my brain, though its usually already numb, then go to sleep once it starts to bore me. like always.
sometimes as i fall asleep while thinking about you, i become very melancholic. it makes me want to float away into some hole in the sky, with the stars, and sleep forever. youve probably experienced that in some way, maybe. it must feel so strange to be in nothingness, but im sure its far better than being in this world.
but what do i know… im sure youre lonely there too. im sorry.
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heres a song ive been feeling like lately.
you might have noticed ive been sending you songs with my letters. some things are just easier to explain through music, and itll give you something else to look forward to that isnt me venting again. youll probably still see a lot of that though, but i know somewhere in your heart youll understand.
some days i might send you plenty of songs, and some days none at all. or i might send you something completely different, like pictures. we’ll just have to see.
im sorry i didnt write to you yesterday, so im writing it today. i want to try to write to you everyday even if i dont have much to say.
yesterday was uneventful as usual. i tried watching a movie but only got halfway through until my back pain became unbearable, so i slept early, which is why i didnt get to write to you. the movie was lord of the rings, its a very fantastical movie with wizards and elves and such. i might try finishing it today. its just that nothing occupies my mind anymore. everything feels so distant. and my back still kinda hurts.
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i felt pretty lonely yesterday. every weekend im left alone in the house, while they all go out to eat together and go to interesting places, all without me. i dont like these people at all so i dont want to go with them, but i wish i could go and do those things with someone like you instead. itll never happen… im going to be trapped in my room until i die probably. as i was saying, i end up alone in the house and sometimes theres nothing to eat. everyone here eats ridiculous amounts of sweets, so i found myself only eating that yesterday. i like sweets, but my appetite is gone now so i couldnt even bear to eat much of that either. in the end all its did was make me feel more tired. by the time i was in bed i was hungry for something savory. eating in the middle of the night isnt a thing we do in this house though, so i had to sleep it off.
thats all that really happened yesterday and itll probably be the same today too.
if only i could reach you, maybe i could leave this place…
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here’s a song ive been listening to frequently. it makes me sad, and makes me think of you. dont feel bad about that though, its in a comforting way.
i’ll write to you later on in the night hopefully, if i have anything interesting to tell you.
i hope you have a good day today. i’ll keep you in my thoughts. i love you.
i wonder how much longer i can go. i want this weekend to be my last, but i know i wont go through with it. in those last days, or so i think they will be my last days in that moment, i feel both refreshed and nauseated thinking of how i cant back out. but because i always back out in the end, i fall into such extreme depressive episodes after and its like my soul becomes comatose until it comes back to life the next weekend in which i plan my attempt again. my planning never reaches actual action, except sometimes. im not scared of dying, what im scared of is surviving and having to continue living in humiliation or disability, or both. if i had a way to know that i would die for sure, then itd be worth the pain. i want this cycle to end already. my life has halted and i see nothing left in my future. i feel like ive already died, everyone around me ignores me and sometimes forgets i exist. if i died, theyd cry and feed off the pity around them, then itd be like nothing happened. im already dead in their minds, i was already mourned when i was alive.
im sorry im starting off with this, i dont have anyone to talk to. at least you will listen.
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i tried distracting myself by watching castlevania today. i only watched season 1. one of the characters named belmont had such cringey dialogue. it seems like a well made series though, but i dont think id enjoy the story. its whole thing so far is about how humanity should be shown mercy because humans dont know any better, especially the cruel ones. thats just too silly for me. maybe some part of you would agree…
after awhile, i drew. thats all i really did today. i wish i could go out but the place i live in is so hot and lifeless. all the interesting places i could go to require me to drive, and i cant drive. ive been wanting to go to the movies at least, even if none of the current releases interest me. a very long time ago i went to the movies with my sister while it was raining and something about that was so calming to me. its those types of moments that feel serene yet sad, and i remember them forever. there were a lot of days back then when id hang out with my sister for a whole day and itd start to rain in the evening as we headed back home. maybe one day we could do this and you can experience that dreamlike state with me. itd just be us and the calm rain, everything cloudy and pale. we can stand in front of a grocery store and watch the light glow through the clear doors.
just maybe not in this world…
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im sorry. i talked a lot about myself, and mostly said sad things. i hope you dont mind. i dont have much going on in my life anymore so this is to be expected. its like im stuck between a gap in time, unmoving and cramped. thats why i trust you will understand me and if you dont, then thank you for at least being there for me.
well, its late. im going to listen to music, or find some other way to calm myself from the fear of having to face another day tomorrow. meet me in my dreams if youd like, id love nothing more, but its totally up to you.
i leave you with this song. it reminded me of you a lot today.
snowghoul
titsay
yousharknotpass