A Life Lost To Lyme

[lymeandanxiety]

ah yes, back to this tumblr which I made with the sole purpose to just whine. Just whine about how miserable my life is, woe is me. I literally don’t want anyone to see this, which is why I made this account. Its not even connected to my main account.  I’m back to wanting to die. I want to hurt myself and I would appreciate it if I could just die.  I’m a little nervous to put any details on here in case the person who this is about comes across it (not that he’d be caught dead on tumblr) but anyway... Turns out my brother has been holding a lot of anger toward me for a while now. He felt like it was best to handle me with kid gloves and just placate me. Yesterday he told me I “have a lot of growing up to do” and said that I was blaming everything on him. I’m not. The one thing I do blame him for is putting that block up. The one where I ended up feeling like an other, like an outsider in my own family. But clearly I’m the problem, and you know what? Maybe he’s right. I’m worthless. I’m never gonna get any better. And I just need to die. This whole conversation with him started because I hated how our dynamic worked, because he always seemed so angry with me, and was incredibly condescending. I told my parents that I wanted a relationship with my brother, I wanted us to essentially be friends. They pushed me to have this conversation and they think its a great “first step”. Except for the fact that that conversation literally made all of it my fault. It hit on every single one of my insecurities and now I want to die, because my fear of how people see me has been true the whole time. I’m sure he’s not the only one who thinks this. It also made me realize, I don’t want a relationship with my brother. I want a relationship with a brother I don’t have. One that I think he probably was back in high school, but he hasn’t been that one in a long long time. I want to die. I can’t be around my family anymore.

[lymeandanxiety]

I just want to die

I’m so tired of all of this. I know no one reads these, I know no one on tumblr cares, I can’t expect them to. But this anxiety I’ve been feeling, I just can’t do it anymore. I need to die. I NEED to. I’ve never been able to get my life started, and I know it never will. Please just let me die... Please...

[lymeandanxiety]

I thought I was doing so well...

I feel like I’m back to how I was last year, when a medication was literally causing me to go crazy. My anxiety is back to that point. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to die. I’m so tired of all of this. I want to die before my dog does, so I don’t have to deal with that pain I’m so angry at friends, I’m so angry at myself, I feel like I’ve lost so much time to this goddamn illness, and I have. Not to mention finding a job/career now is difficult for everyone, specifically my generation, and I also have the added bonus of being disabled enough to struggle to hold down a job, but not disabled enough to feel justified in not working. I’m done. I’m tired of all of this. I just want to die. To think, two years ago I was at a point where I hadn’t had suicidal ideation in over a year, and I was off of all of my psychiatric medications. I know I’ll never get back to that point. I should just give up. I should just die. I’ll never have a life worth living.

[lymeandanxiety]

I said when I made this blog that I’d stop posting when I stopped wanting to die. And while I don’t want to, I’m low enough that I’m back. I never wanted to come back to this account

My social anxiety is THROUGH THE ROOF. Like, I’m usually worried I said something dumb around people but this is paralyzing.

All I want is to go into remission from Lyme. I can’t do this anymore...

[lymeandanxiety]

I haven’t posted here in a while because I was doing better, but today I just crashed. I am dying inside. I’m just so angry at myself

It started with absolutely nothing. I thought I messed up while baking bread. So I stopped the machine and started it over, only to realize I hadn’t messed it up in the first place. But by starting the machine over I DEFINITELY messed it up so I had to start from the beginning. I started yelling at myself and anyone who got in my line of fire, which scared my dogs.

I’m now laying in bed and I reached out to my fiancé, hoping to distract myself, but he’s not having a good day, and when i tried to help, he told me he was gonna shut down his phone so he could rest. Understandable, but my anxiety spiked, and it was already high.

Then I realized I don’t have anyone else I can go to. My best friend is the closest thing, but she just had surgery, so I don’t wanna bother her. It’s not good that I have no one else I feel like I can go to. That puts way too much of a burden on my fiancé.

I said that I wanted to die today for the first time in a couple months. I’m angry at myself for that. I know this is caused by Bartonella for sure, but all that means is I have to ride it out.

No one deserves to deal with me. I should be better by now, but I’m not. Just let me die...

[shubbabang]

yet another adhd comic

Patreon | Webtoon

[angst-dealer-deactivated2023012]

The longer it’s been from the date the better it becomes

[doc-cochran-deactivated20210609]

[vo-kopen]

Big mood.

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

The best part is how you can see he’s trying SO HARD not to laugh here

[fullofowls]

Tim Curry: I’m escaping to the ONE place that hasn’t been corrupted by capitalism! [shaky breaths while trying not to smile] sssPACE

[delta-altair]

The funniest thing about this is that it implies this was the best possible take

[ifightformyfriends]

Did you watch? It absolutely was.

[whitepeopletwitter]

[ndiecity-deactivated20241101]

no he won’t

[frottinq]

really cool of his social media manager to post this ♥️ I wonder what joe biden thinks about gay people though

[fandomsandfeminism]

https://joebiden.com/lgbtq-policy/ 

I mean, you can argue that politicians can SAY whatever they want on their official campaign policy page, but Biden’s shift on LGBT policy is pretty well documented. 

[lymmea]

Ah, yes, let’s shit on Biden for MAYBE not supporting or liking queer people as much as he claims to, a claim absolutely no one can prove because it’s based on nothing Because the alternative to Biden is SO much better for queer people, obviously, and has both gone on record supporting queer people and ALSO put his money where his mouth is in a way Biden hasn’t had the chance to yet - …oh wait, you say the alternative is DEMONSTRABLY TOXIC to queer people? Huh. I wonder why people would shit on the alternative to actual queer poison based on pure bitter speculation then OH WAIT NO I DON’T WONDER AT ALL

[thedarkitalian]

You know what queer people need? Healthcare. Soemthing Biden isn’t particularly keen on getting us.

You know black queer people need? To not be locked up for marijuana, which good ole joe has helped to donin record numbers. Joe is a pos

[fandomsandfeminism]

Plan to Protect and Build on Obamacare | Joe Biden

Joe Biden will protect and build on Obamacare by giving Americans more choice, reducing health care costs, and making the system less comple

Kamala Harris Said Biden Administration Would Decriminalize Marijuana

Both Biden and Harris have changed stances on marijuana policy during their career.

Look, Biden’s stance on both these issues isn’t IDEAL, but they are in the right direction. He could and should do more, but those positions are better than what we have now.

[ironwoman359]

Less than ideal policies vs. Actual Fucking Facist police state with concentration camps, your choice people.

[enberlight]

Anyone else notice that there are a LOT of people being negative towards Biden saying the Exact Opposite of his actual platform?

He’s planning to raise the minimum wage to $15.

He’s indicated they would decriminalize marijuana and remove conviction records and release people incarcerated for it.

He’s. Part of the administration. That made Obamacare? Hello?

He’s been moving further left and can be brought further.

Again, ask yourself.

Why are people dissing on Biden, who checks off quite a few things we want, and can be convinced to help even more?

When the opponent is the exact opposite and a literal fascist with Life Dictator aspirations?

The people complaining are either misinformed or actively fomenting trouble to harm you by your inaction in this election.

[tehriz]

Literally please read the platform and policy goals before going off “word of mouth” from anonymous accounts. That’s how we got 2016.

[lymeandanxiety]

The start of the Obama Administration getting the Supreme Court to give LGBT folks the right to marry was Joe Biden having a “gaff” on Meet The Press where he supported gay marriage, which prompted Obama to comment on it.

I had a theory back during the 2008 election that Obama DID support marriage equality, but couldn’t say it during the election because he never would have won. Apparently, I was right

His campaign manager later spoke of how every time Obama got off the stage during the campaign he would say he felt disgusting for saying that marriage had to be between a man and a woman, and that campaign manager responded that this was the only way to get elected

Joe wants to follow in Obama’s footsteps. Harris was for Medicare for all, but has since backtracked while on the Biden ticket. I have a feeling they are planning the same thing Obama/Biden did. They are campaigning toward the middle, but will do something about it once they are in office

[lymeandanxiety]

I have always known I would die of suicide.

I don’t know when it will happen

But I’m sure it will

It’s very common for someone dealing with what I am

It’s the leading cause of death in people with the Lyme disease umbrella

Not only because of the pain, not just the brain fog.

Try the impossible psychiatric symptoms of Bartonella. Try dealing with brain inflammation that makes you go insane

Try knowing you’ll never be able to hold down a job that will actually pay you a decent wage

Then, try dealing with social bullshit and tell me it’s not too much.

[drumcorpshero]

Spoopy Season Safety

[lymeandanxiety]

For those of us taking antibiotics - this applies for us too! I take charcoal to bind the toxins from the dead bacteria so they won’t make me feel miserable

BUT, I have to take it THREE HOURS BEFORE OR AFTER I take my antibiotics, or it just binds to the antibiotics.

I always thought it wouldn’t affect antibiotics, just stuff that was psychiatric or hormonal medications. But NOPE

[fujo]

SenshiStock’s gallery consists of millions of pictures that are free to use as reference.

General Drawing Poses Sit and Kneel Dramatic and Reaching Drawing Poses Magic and Hogwarts Drawing Poses Staff Weapon Pose Reference Hammer, Axe and Bat Pose Reference Sword Weapon Drawing Reference Small Bladed Weapon Pose Reference Gun Weapon Pose Reference Bow and Arrow Archery Stock Foreshortening and Perspective Poses Dynamic Flying Falling Action Poses Deafeated or Laying Drawing Poses Magic Crystal Magical Girl Wand Weapon Transformations and Dance Cards Back Pose Reference Pin Up Inspired Poses for Drawing Performances Poses Life in General Poses Fights and Fighting Pose Reference Leaning Poses Classic Sailor Senshi Poses Wings Sailor Moon Villains Pairs Romance or Couples Pose Reference All the Male Stock Hanging Stock Drawing Reference Three or More Groups Instruments Mirrors Whip  Technobabble  

[fucktonofanatomyreferences]

A glorious fuck-ton of human pose references.

[dharmagun]

reblogging because i feel like maybe i can draw again. sometime maybe soon.

[jam-juice]

This is amazingly useful. Yasss been needing a post like this for a while!

[rosexknight]

REBLOGGING FOR REFERENCE

[catcrumb]

[lymeandanxiety]

PROUD OF YOU

[lymeandanxiety]

Okay here’s your chance to vent

Note: Always tag this post with “abuse” for the trigger warnings, please, and any others you feel are appropriate Here is your chance. Vent about every person in your life you feel has fucked you up. Use real names or fake ones, its up to you.

[owlmylove]

anyone else still feel like u won the lottery when a friend you’ve had for ages agrees to Do Something with You

[owlmylove]

friend i’ve known for literally 4 years: yeah we should hang out!

me: Success! I Have Cunningly Tricked Them in to Accompanying Me (:

[lymeandanxiety]

Wait, other people feel this too? My friend who I have known for uh.... *does math* 14 years talks with me every day. But I still feel like I’ve won the lottery when she agrees to hang out with me. I was fucking FLOORED when she agreed to being my Maid of Honor.

[lymeandanxiety]

Another upset post, sorry

Why can’t people just talk to each other? Like seriously. A friend of mine was just blocked by a friend on facebook for seemingly no reason. His girlfriend and mom are both on this person’s friend list, and his girlfriend only met this guy once because of my friend. I don’t understand people.

[lymeandanxiety]

I’m sorry I’m back on my bullshit. I know this is a bartonella flare, based on all my other symptoms, so at least I know the cause of this crippling anxiety. I miss feeling like I have friends I can reach out to I miss feeling safe. I never should have let myself think becoming a part of a community was a good idea. Just stick to friends. Trying to be a part of a community just ends up being like high school all over again. Fuck it.

[tastefullyoffensive]

[prismatic-bell]

HERE’S THE THING THOUGH

I used to work for a call center and I was doing a political survey and I called this number that was randomly generated for me and the way our system worked was voice-activated so when the other person said hello you’d get connected to them, so I just launch right into my “Harvard University and NPR blah blah blah” thing and then there’s this long pause and I think the person’s hung up even though I didn’t hear a click

And then I hear “you shouldn’t be able to call this number.”

So I apologize and go into the preset spiel about because we aren’t selling anything, etc. etc. and the answer I get is

“No, I know that. What I mean is that it should be impossible for you to call this number, and I need to know how you got it.”

I explain that it’s randomly generated and I’m very sorry for bothering him, and go to hang up. And before I can click terminate, I hear:

“Ma’am, this is a matter of national security.”

I accidentally called the director of the FBI.

My job got investigated because a computer randomly spit out a number to the Pentagon.

[kuroba101]

This is my new favourite story.

[therobotmonster]

When I was in college I got a job working for a company that manages major air-travel data. It was a temp gig working their out of date system while they moved over to a new one, since my knowing MS Dos apparently made me qualified.

There was no MS Dos involved. Instead, there was a proprietary type-based OS and an actually-uses-transistors refrigerator-sized computer with switches I had to trip at certain times during the night as I watched the data flow from six pm to six AM on Fridays and weekends. If things got stuck, I reset the server. 

The company handled everything from low-end data (hotel and car reservations) to flight plans and tower information. I was weighed every time I came in to make sure it was me. Areas of the building had retina scanners on doors. 

During training. they took us through all the procedures. Including the procedures for the red phone. There was, literally, a red phone on the shelf above my desk. “This is a holdover from the cold war.” They said. “It isn’t going to come up, but here’s the deal. In case of nuclear war or other nation-wide disaster, the phone will ring. Pick up the phone, state your name and station, and await instructions. Do whatever you are told.”

So my third night there, it’s around 2am and there’s a ringing sound. 

I look up, slowly. The Red phone is ringing.

So I reach out, I pick up the phone. I give my name and station number. And I hear every station head in the building do the exact same. One after another, voices giving names and numbers. Then silence for the space of two breaths. Silence broken by…

“Uh… Is Shantavia there?”

It turns out that every toll free, 1-900 or priority number has a corresponding local number that it routs to at its actual destination. Some poor teenage girl was trying to dial a friend of hers, mixed up the numbers, and got the atomic attack alert line for a major air-travel corporation’s command center in the mid-west United States.

There’s another pause, and the guys over in the main data room are cracking up. The overnight site head is saying “I think you have the wrong number, ma’am.” and I’m standing there having faced the specter of nuclear annihilation before I was old enough to legally drink.

The red phone never rang again while I was there, so the people doing my training were only slightly wrong in their estimation of how often the doomsday phone would ring. 

[arctic-hands]

Every time I try to find this story, I end up having to search google with a variety of terms that I’m sure have gotten me flagged by some watchlist, so I’m reblogging it again where I swear I’ve reblogged it before.

[voroxpete]

But none of these stories even come close to the best one of them all; a wrong number is how the NORAD Santa Tracker got started.

Seriously, this is legit.

In December 1955, Sears decided to run a Santa hotline.  Here’s the ad they posted.

Only problem is, they misprinted the number.  And the number they printed?  It went straight through to fucking NORAD.  This was in the middle of the Cold War, when early warning radar was the only thing keeping nuclear annihilation at bay.  NORAD was the front line.

And it wasn’t just any number at NORAD.  Oh no no no.

Terri remembers her dad had two phones on his desk, including a red one. “Only a four-star general at the Pentagon and my dad had the number,” she says.

“This was the ‘50s, this was the Cold War, and he would have been the first one to know if there was an attack on the United States,” Rick says.

The red phone rang one day in December 1955, and Shoup answered it, Pam says. “And then there was a small voice that just asked, ‘Is this Santa Claus?’ ”

His children remember Shoup as straight-laced and disciplined, and he was annoyed and upset by the call and thought it was a joke — but then, Terri says, the little voice started crying.

“And Dad realized that it wasn’t a joke,” her sister says. “So he talked to him, ho-ho-ho’d and asked if he had been a good boy and, ‘May I talk to your mother?’ And the mother got on and said, ‘You haven’t seen the paper yet? There’s a phone number to call Santa. It’s in the Sears ad.’ Dad looked it up, and there it was, his red phone number. And they had children calling one after another, so he put a couple of airmen on the phones to act like Santa Claus.”

“It got to be a big joke at the command center. You know, ‘The old man’s really flipped his lid this time. We’re answering Santa calls,’ ” Terri says.

And then, it got better.

“The airmen had this big glass board with the United States on it and Canada, and when airplanes would come in they would track them,” Pam says.

“And Christmas Eve of 1955, when Dad walked in, there was a drawing of a sleigh with eight reindeer coming over the North Pole,” Rick says.

“Dad said, ‘What is that?’ They say, ‘Colonel, we’re sorry. We were just making a joke. Do you want us to take that down?’ Dad looked at it for a while, and next thing you know, Dad had called the radio station and had said, ‘This is the commander at the Combat Alert Center, and we have an unidentified flying object. Why, it looks like a sleigh.’ Well, the radio stations would call him like every hour and say, ‘Where’s Santa now?’ ” Terri says.

For real.

“And later in life he got letters from all over the world, people saying, ‘Thank you, Colonel,’ for having, you know, this sense of humor. And in his 90s, he would carry those letters around with him in a briefcase that had a lock on it like it was top-secret information,” she says. “You know, he was an important guy, but this is the thing he’s known for.”

“Yeah,” Rick [his son] says, “it’s probably the thing he was proudest of, too.”

So yeah.  I think that might be the best wrong number of all time.

Source:  http://www.npr.org/2014/12/19/371647099/norads-santa-tracker-began-with-a-typo-and-a-good-sport

[amy-vic]

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS.

I’ve seen the first post a bunch of times, but never the story of How The Santa Tracker Started.