What Can I do to make this up to you? What is so hard about staying when things get tough? Why should my wanting to end it all make you mad? shouldn't you try to help me, rather then just ditch me when i really need you? didn't you promise not to leave? No matter what? Why did you lie? Just answer those questions, and i'll leave you alone.
((There is nothing that you can say or do to make it up to me. And don’t you dare talk to me about leaving when things “get tough”, Mr. I-want-to-go-kill-myself. I don’t condone suicide. I don’t encourage anyone to take that route. I don’t sit behind a screen and tell people they should off themselves because they’re “not worth it”.
I have tried to help you with it–or rather, Mac did. Most of every fucking time you brought it up. Was it harsh? Yes. Was it comforting? Not every time, no. But did she try? Yes. It didn’t do a damned bit of good, and my own emotions can only take so much of “I want to kill myself”–considering I’ve had too much fucking death these past two years. So don’t you fucking dare try to call me out on that shit.
As for the promise of “not leaving”, while we did say that, it was under the assumption that we could handle you. Turns out we were wrong, and while I tried to stick around, things both in my life and with you plummeted pretty damned fast. Really, it got to the point where the only reason I stayed was to keep your mind away from the blog and the studio–lot of good that did, by the way.
Even when it didn’t work, and your constant–I don’t even know what to call it anymore, to be fairly honest–crap, be it about being where you were, or about the blog, or about being lonely or sad or yadda-yadda-yadda, I still fucking tried to stay around, with warning that my own fucking health couldn’t take much more of the shit. While there was no specific wording that I would leave, I would have at least hoped you would have gotten the hint to lay off a bit.
But apparently not. Even when you said you’d “stop linking”, there was than fine line of guilting like “oh, okay I’ll just make you worry about me more so you have to ask and listen to me.” And I’m sorry, not sorry, but I don’t run with that shit. I came back to try and fix things and help you, but it didn’t do a damned bit of good.
So back to the question of “why I lied”. I didn’t necessarily “lie”. I held out as long as I fucking could, despite my thoughts on leaving long before I did. I’d been, and have been to the doctor more than fifteen times for health problems I shouldn’t even fucking be having at twenty years old, and I’m on more meds now than I had ten fucking years ago. Sorry to say, but you on top of what I already have going on isn’t worth my damned health.
In the end, I decided to leave. You weren’t going to change, and I wasn’t in any condition to keep going as I was. My fucking psychiatrist wanted my doctor to put me on a god-damned heart monitor for my stress levels and blood pressure. Now, I don’t know about you, Undying, but I don’t want to have a fucking heart attack before I’m forty. You want to claim anxiety? Boy, you only know the half of it.
But anyways, all in all that’s that. Now leave me and my system the fuck alone.))
snowghoul
jbbartram-illu
gummygunk
jacobvanloon
germansingergirl
janainaart
areudirty
dededos
