Why am I still here?

This is what I survived for...?

[madmagickzer0]

I actually moved around and got some stuff done today. Proud of myself.

[madmagickzer0]

It's finally happening. Being this physically disabled is really starting to piss me the fuck off.

[madmagickzer0]

I was finally able to get a Doctor's Appointment!

All the way on July 17. 🤦‍♂️

[madmagickzer0]

[madmagickzer0]

I swear this last month has been total hell. Rather extreme neuropathy pain. Intense foot swelling. And a Doctor that has been on extended family emergency leave for over a month now. Can hardly move anymore, even in emergency situations. Trying to find a new more local doctor, but they want me to jump through all kinds of loops. I can hardly move at this point, but I have to fill out an application for an appointment, in office before they schedule me. The bloody fuck?? This is the kind of pain that makes you doubt your will, ffs. Still searching for an end to this suffering. Praying soon. We'll see...

[madmagickzer0]

If paying child support is the only way my ex will allow me to love my children - You bet that check is going to be paid. I just pray she uses it appropriately on them and not on stupid shit like she did with money, when we were together.

[madmagickzer0]

No, I don't feel well tonight.

I just don't say anything because what's anyone going to do about it?

[madmagickzer0]

We were inseparable. Always together.

[madmagickzer0]

It's been 146 days since my ex-wife started alienating me from my children. It's outrageous that many men go through this for their children's entire childhoods. Sick...

[madmagickzer0]

Sometimes you can just feel yourself giving up coming.

[madmagickzer0]

I have a really bad problem with heartburn and thus try to avoid foods that agitate it. So guess what the only types of groceries we got this month turn out to be. 😕

[madmagickzer0]

Pain after stroke | Stroke Association

https://www.stroke.org.uk/stroke/effects/physical/pain

To better explain...

[madmagickzer0]

Ooh Donuts! 🍩

The Good News: They're glazed.

The Bad News: That Little Bitch Debby. Ugh! 🤢

[madmagickzer0]

My beloved bought me a gift today. Very thoughtful. I Love it. ❤️

#coffee

[madmagickzer0]

::Day 688

Everyday,

I sit in this apartment, in this room, on this bed, in this spot. I move when I have to, always for a reason - Be it leaving for a Doctor's appointment or using the restroom. I have the three basics - Laptop, tablet and cellphone. Besides that, what can be considered entertainment? I'm just sitting here. But why? In many ways, I haven't truly felt comfortable and at peace since the Nursing Home. Don't believe any progress has been made with my recovery either. Just intense stiffness, swelling and pain. Without these, I'd be exercising like I should be. But without my AOF fitting into my new shoes, I'm terrified of falling and breaking my leg again, causing more disability which quite honestly, I just can't.

Anyway, it's been like a two month long fall into this depression and really - I just want to land. I've fought for a long time and I just want to stop now.

This is not what I survived for.

[madmagickzer0]

Been getting really sick to my stomach this past week - A little too badly to be comfortable with. Jesus, I hope this ends soon...

[madmagickzer0]