Mad World

The art of dying

[madmilez]

There is a house, on cemetery rd, that I can only find at night. I suppose I should also point out that, its not really called cemetery road, it is simply referred to as cemetery road by basically everyone who knows it exists. Its legal name is Nobel wray.

The reason its called cemetery road is because, you guessed it, there's a cemetery on it. Who would a thought?

So, the first time I noticed the place, I was coming home, at night, and I spotted it in the middle of a field set among some trees. All around this small area was open field. The house looked creepy as I could really only see the silhouette and, incase you were unaware, creepy old houses is my thing.

This place stood out to me as a place I wanted to explore. It was clearly abamdoned and probably held untold treasures.

I didn't see the place again for awhile. I suppose I'd forgotten about it until, one night I was out on the tractor with my buddy. We were going to check out a different house and happened across the house( the first house) on the way there.

I saw it better that night and told my buddy we would have to stop there on the way back. Well, we never made it back.

So now I've got this place on my mind for awhile. I have, a this point, made a few attempts at finding the place in the day time. Couldn't find it. So, I decided to ride my bike all the way down cemetery road thinking that I couldn't miss the place going that slow.

So here's the thing. The place isn't there in the daylight. Its just not. After the third trip down cemetery road, I finally conceded to this point.

I was able to find it several times when driving by at night. It seemed that my intention could not be to find the place or even at night I had trouble.

So, I ended up looking up and down cemetery rd on Google maps. After a painfully long time, I figured out where it was. On the map it showed what looked like a fallen down metal building and what appeared to be the remnants of house long gone. Yet the house I saw was still standing.

I looked back at old photos of the property and they were all the same, no house, until I reached the oldest photo Google had taken. It was from 15 years prior and showed the house exactly the way I remember seeing it!

The strangest part about this photo was that the sun seemed to be only 50 yards or so away from the house and its rays shined out ward and went on forever....

I can't explain these occurrences, all I can do is tell you what I've been able to record with my senses.

[madmilez]

SCAMS AND SCHEMES

To kick off the release of my new book scams and schemes, I would like to share this scam attempt with you as an after thought of the book. This occurred not long ago and is only one of the many attempts to scam me that I have taken advantage of in order to entertain myself at the expense of the scammer. I just like to screw with them. To be clear, I don't actually provide classes lol. Hope yall get a kick out of this as well.

The book will be available on Amazon soon and I'm working on the sequel, cons and crimes.

[madmilez]

"Yes sir, I definitely do understand in fact, my shop was broken into last night as well."

Even in plain clothes, a cop looks and sounds like a cop. His shed had been broken into and items were missing. He spoke to me about it, unable to hide his underlining suspicion that I had something to do with it. I was able to point out the broken padlock on the ground in front of my shop fairly easily given the position we were in. This seemed to satisfy him that I too was a victim and not the guilty party. Somehow, with this Revelation in his mind, we had become Kindred Spirits, Brothers victimized and healing together. I did not share the sentiment. I was already having a bad day, I mean week, no I was having a bad life and I was in no mood to play along to save face.

" Well I guess we better call in a report" he stated matter of factly.

Too many people namely americans, have this pre-programmed notion that if something goes wrong it's best to call someone else to deal with it. In many cases it's the police, likely the least qualified to adequately handle the majority of the situations they are asked to deal with. They operate based on a protocol like a robot. If this happens, you do this or if that happens, you say this. In personal, automatic sheep hearding. The end result of an encounter with these individuals is for someone to be put in a box. Cha ching paid. Got to reach that quota. would go as far as to say a large majority of them enjoy that power they have over other people.

" You go on ahead, I think I'll pass on any report making. "

"Well if you don't report it you won't be able to collect insurance!"

Somehow it never occurred to this guy that I don't have insurance!

"Honestly sir, not to try and sound rude, but it's not really about the insurance it's about how a person is dealt with inside the justice system." I paused briefly. "They are guilty until proven innocent, held inside of a concrete box with extremely limited access to loved ones. The Indigent get none. They are crammed into the tightest legal space possible with a random assortment of criminals, mentally ill, and violent. They are subject to injury exposed to constant frustrations and given the least amount of food legally allowed. They're not afforded respect and are often abused verbally and sometimes physically by officers and inmates alike. In the end they end up leaving worse off than they were when they arrived. It is a system designed to make money and that is its only intended function. I, for one, have made mistakes in my life and I can remember how wanting forgiveness feels when you've been given condemnation instead.

" hands are for shaking not tying, no not tying." -alice in chains-

[madmilez]

My heartbeat quickens

The plot thickens

A countdown begins

Revisit old sins

A fork in the road

I know the way to go

Colors will be shown

Thoughts are on home

That place in my mind

Changes locations

Yet I keep my eye

Fixed on them

I know what I want but

How do I get it

Work is all I do

I strive yet I lose

I can't seem to get ahead

What the fuck should I do?!?!

I know the issue

What they say is true

I've got this problem

I'm the one who caused this

God damn I've fucked up

Everything is gone

And I swear I don't want

To live without her

In my arms

Without my little boys

I've done what I can

To try and take

Another chance

From unwilling hands

My enemy plans

To end it all right here

Toss me into a cage

Take from me everything

But I can't let go

I cannot stop now

Surely things can only get

Better from here

I've made a plan

Mapped it out

It's in effect right now

I know at any moment

Everything could

Go to shit

But would you not try?

For the sake of love

Freedom and what

You know to be right?

Little eyes need to see

Everyday they wait for me

Please, whatever

Powers there be

Help me save my family

[madmilez]

Check out The Black Door

Start reading https://getinkspired.com/story/370805/the-black-door/?ref=mobile

The Black Door

A collection of thoughts, ideas, fears and Lamentations. Accounts of my struggle with addiction and my search for truth.

[madmilez]

https://youtu.be/MWksNMbMA-0?si=eh37UjWQwmj_-YrK

[madmilez]

If you died, right now, what category would your life into. Would your soul shine onward toward the source, victorious and proud? Or would it linger, confused and overwhelmed by the weight of what you left unfinished?

How many things had you intended to accomplish but have not? How many promises have you made that still linger, unsure where they're place of rest be? Have all your children grown? Or do you leave behind young ones? Parents? Is the home where your family lives paid for? Will they now struggle without you?

What is the last thing you said to the one you love? To your children? Do you even remember?

When you think about where you are, how would you describe it? Are you on the right path? Have you made progress toward your goals? Have you prioritized the elements of your life correctly?

Now that you ate at the end, knowing that none of what you worked tirelessly for, day after day, for so many years, goes with you. Not a dime. You do not keep any of it and the things that mattered to you here, mean little to anyone else. College football trophies are now trash. Degrees, diplomas, academic achievements are lost, buried with the only soul with a reason to remember.

Your camero you had all your life, the one you restored and spent so much time after work everyday to complete instead of with your family is not sold, cheap to someone who will never appreciate it like you by your wife who, if your were not aware, hated that car. It took you from her even more than you already were.

What I'll feelings will you leave behind? Are you aware of them all? Who will be at your funeral? Who will shed tears? Will anyone hurt over your loss and if so, for how long? Will those who mourn you come to learn that life is now improved with you gone? What is your legacy?

It is easy to get caught up in the flow of life, to simply play the role so many play. To be 'normal' because this is what we are all taught. Society expects things from you, from us all. The picture of what a life should be is laid out in front of you from day one. Anyone who deviates from the norm is shunned.

Go to school. Learn what they teach you and allow your mind to be developed and mounded into what they want, what they need you to be. Grow into the pawn you were born to be. Work, work, work everyday. Start a family and make the workers of tomorrow. Teach your kids to be the same as you. Work until your tired and near death. Then die. If you cannot work, make room for those who can.

This is life?

Some say that I am a vagrant. I am a lowlife, an outlaw, some say I'm evil. None trust me. No, not one. No amount of good deeds, no amount of being trustworthy will ever afford me trust. I'm a drug addict, a felon. I'll never amount to anything. There are many people who have a hard time even looking me in the eye.

I want trust, because I am trustworthy. I want to be seen as a person, because I am. This life I've chosen isn't exactly what I'd hoped for, I'll admit, but at least I am not just another sheep in the heard. Not just another number. I am me. I will never bow. I will never submit no matter what it costs me. I am one of the few, a true 5%er!

I care nothing for what they care for...... money. Power. Immortality. While the world is caught up chasing these, I am busy with thoughts of those I love, contemplating reality and seeking the truth. Seeking answers that could potentially save us all. Looking for God. Fighting to maintain within me the love I have for humanity in spite of humanities best efforts to take it from me.

The truth is simple once you see it. They try to hide it because they know. The truth, will set you free. That is just something they cannot allow.

While I cannot simply tell you what the truth of it all. You could not receive it. You must seek it, then slowly, over time, you will begin to open your eyes.

This is what I offer you now, the question I put forth when we began. Where do you stand? Think on this day and night. What matters most to you? Not what you think matters to you, not what you are expected to say to that question. No. What matters to you is the thing you put your time into, your energy, what you think of most. The evidence is in your actions. You don't have to conform, it does not matter what people tell you. Find your purpose and do not neglect it. Live for it, fight for it and even if you lose that fight, there will be no shame in the defeat. And in the end, no regret.

In closing, consider this; for you, and concerning your individual life with all its hopes and dreams, in the end, none of it matters one bit. Why? Because you die. The only hope you have for any purpose, even if it's only for a moment, is to find love while you can and hold on to it for as long as you can!

Good luck, much ❤️

[madmilez]

What fate can't touch

I think I've always noticed

Yet I've only recently acknowledged

I tend to be quite skeptical

To the point it's almost comical

If only it weren't experience

That's led me to exist like this

But alas, paranoia is ingrained

Expect the worst it's easier to take

The constant pain and

Disappointment every day

Anyway,

What I'm trying to say is,

It was a welcome change

No, it surely was, what am I saying?

If truth be told, and it will be

You came in from nowhere and s a v e d me

Don't think this is lost on me

I am aware of the severity

Before your love my life was a b l u r

And I know I have what I don't deserve

I want to be so much more than this

I want you to get more than you give

I'll never know what made you pick me

You found me at a point in time

I'd done so much damage to my life

I do not think it could ever be undone

Now I must live with constant anxiety

Like a shadow always hanging over me

Each precious moment that we share

A noxious poison fills the air

Looming over my head to remind me

That this could be the last time I see

The one aspect of my life unbroken

The only drive that keeps me going

I hear a clock ticking away our time

Not knowing is warping my damaged mind

The sweetest moments made for savoring

Tainted by their prospective ending

Surely a solution exists somewhere

Yet if it did, could we dare

To think it be a thing attainable

My weakness binds us, our future unstable

If I ever were to pray a prayer

One desperate lament to the air

I would speak but a pair of lines

A request, a plea the only desire of mine

Heal me that I might become better

Erase my past so we can be together

I'll be completely candid here

I'd settle for even a couple years

A fraction of what I had hoped for

Yet likely more than I deserve

Just a tiny fragment of time

My hand in yours, yours in mine

No dark cloud over head

Past ghosts all laid to rest

Just a little piece of this life

I'd give you every second of time

I dont know what fate has planned for us

But whatever it does

Wherever we end up

Just know, you will always be my one true love

[madmilez]

Lonely nights

Dark days

Cheeks damp

Eyes caked

Red and swollen

Lips cracking

Hands sore

Back even more

No sunlight

For days and days

Order out

Don't eat

My phone on

No breaks

How do 

You get through

An unresolved 

Issue

Like an open

Wound

Full of dirt

Infected 

And still hurts

Positive thinking

Won't kick start 

Despondent

The healing

Won't dress the wound

And bandage it too

Yet neither will 

Wallowing

In depression 

Maybe if I get out of bed

It'll be refreshing

Perhaps the sun will

Get me going

Or the breeze 

Give me a good feeling

Like I've been needing

Under the covers

Reminiscing

On these possibilities

But that's all 

I ever manage

A thought of what

Could be

Maybe

But isnt

[madmilez]

Two flames

She is it

At least for now

My love for her undying

But I speak only for myself.

I came to see her worth

But not at first

There was a time before her

Another in her place

I can repeat my words

But this was not the same

I suppose my definition

Of love has evolved

Where once I craved

A raging flame

Now I know it cannot

Be maintained.

It's true there is a

Massive rush

When your sustenance

Is her love

Every dark desire slated

Never was there

Time we waisted

Like a drug with

Limitless supply

Every dose must be doubled

To reach the same high

Dark magic cannot be sustained

Raging unchecked passion

Cannot be maintained

Here was my

Unhappily ever after

The come down was something

I was not prepared for

We both were in shock

Blaming each other

Blaming God

On Monday we were in

A fairy tale

On Friday I knew

That hell was real

Through pure ecstasy

Misery was made manifest

And we both knew

We could never go back

They always said

Love was easy

It could happen

At first sight

Once you found this

Priceless treasure

Against all odds love

Would go on forever

This the essence

Of fairy tales

To this day the pain

Is something I still feel

She was the one

I knew it the first time

I saw her

And she was

The one to teach me

To prepare me

For what was to come

And now

I have found

The one.

There is no raging flame

But its still fire

There's no loss of

Self control

As willing as she is

I feel no disappointment

Nothing's diminished

I never would have known before

That this is what love is

No it's never easy

But she sets my mind at ease

She don't know it

But what she gives me

Is everything I need

Our passion is not like

The rabid dog

With blood shot eyes

Driven by passion

That never dies

Instead our love is constant

Yet almost subtle

Like a wild lion

Asleep in it's lair

Our hunger does not rule us

We let it slowly rise

We may smell the meat

But wait to hunt at night

Love is dedication

A decision to be stubborn

It's a taxing process

You'll work on for life

Love brings joy and it

Brings pain

There's no way to explain it

And it never stays the same

As soon as you believe

You've tamed it

It blows your mind again

But theres nothing much

Worth having

That's easy to attain

[madmilez]

[madmilez]

Guard your memory

Within my dark reserve

A memory preserved

An irrevocable allocation

A guarded containment

The world cannot corrupt

This image cannot be touched

Safe forever in my mind

Like a picture of a better time

Here you shall live on

And stay forever young

Before our souls were vitiated

And our hearts were tainted

When your smile was sincere

Unabated from all these years

You will live on within me

So in rest, may you find peace

Know that I will not remember

What the world made you into

I will only ever reminisce 

On who you were back when

Like a stasis you’ll be in

I will evoke you memory fondly

               Until my end. 

[madmilez]

The void breeds life

Most of the time it storms

Other times it's bad weather

I should be taking shelter

Instead I'm looking for black leather

Damming the red river

I can hear it simmer

A tiny whisp and a stifled choke

Into oblivion, I've no hope

Crossing the atrocious gardens vine

Tonight its with the devil I shall dine

The heart of a swine

Washed down with red wine

I've tempted fate til fate lost interest

Ive cursed at god hearing crickets

Beneath the bowels of the eternal pit

I've made my bed and l fucked in it

I've seared my flesh with blasphemy

I've rebelled against a fantasy

In all these suicidal endeavors

One thing I have looked over

I was reading, gripping the spine

But wasn't reading between the lines

And I've missed a bit

I've been taken aback by it

I wouldn't call them subtleties

They've been known to me

And in the moment I realized

I saw a light with my own eyes

I'd knew what had occurred

There could be no doubt, I was sure

Out of the depths of the abyss

The sheer void of hopes non-existence

The laws of nature come to call

They can never be broken at all

So out of hopes nothingness

Arose a need for hope to exist

Then there it was, a miniscule fragment

Like a needles point, a light......

But it was d i s t a n t

[madmilez]

Someday

I am no longer human

My souls been taken

My minds been twisted

And I've lost my will to live

I no longer feel shit

I sit and stare at nothing

Sometimes for hours

I won't recall doing

Certain things I do

Or going places

For whatever reasons

My memory is convoluted

My reasoning is distorted

Sometimes I get injured

But how I won't remember

I've got a chair I always sit in

It's in some woods I don't own

I've a milk crate beside it

That Ill set my drink on

Mosquitos always bite me

Sometimes Ill go crazy

Arms flailing all around

Yelling incoherent sounds

Cursing god for my misfortune

I need someone to blame it on

When it gets dark its hard to see

So I sometimes sleep

It does not matter where

Sometimes right there in my chair

Other times it's elsewhere

I never really care

I don't sleep on purpose

I feel like it is worthless

Yet at times I am so drained

But someday,

All this is gunna change

[madmilez]

If only

If somehow after all this time

I'd managed to hold on

If only I'd have known

Before they all had gone

If I would have listened

Or recognized the signs

Maybe I'd have someone

Who cared still in my life

If I coulda had the chance

To let them know I listened

When they tried to give me

Loving words of wisdom

They watched me fall

And heard my lines

They picked me up

A thousand times

I wanted to do good

If only for their sake

Let them know that I

Did appreciate

After all these years

And so many trials

Walked through hell

I've seen the fire

Yet I'm just a moth

To the eternal flame

Getting closer and closer

Every fucking day

All I could hope for

All I would ever ask

Is freedom from these chains

Before I breathe my last

[madmilez]

Missing her

She used to say she loved me

And I knew it was true

It's not always what you say

Sometimes its what you do

Anytime of night or day

She would come pick me up

It didn't even matter

How far away I was

And if I'm being honest

At times I was pretty far gone

With patience she spoke

With kindness shed lift me up

Ask me if Id learned a lesson

Id say yes even though I didn't

I never could have imagined

Life without her in it

But now I'm living

Without her

And god, I miss my mother....

[madmilez]

So, since the term 'throwback' has kinda gotten old, I don't suppose calling throwback a throwback would vibe well with anyone, or is that just me?

🤔🤔

And, wait ✋️, hold up.... so, if throwback has become a throwback, would it not have inadvertently brought itself back from being a throwback simply by becoming a throwback??

🤯

#throwbackisback