25
I'm here again, I'm back tumblr. I miss this, i miss blogging, i miss me, miss my old self. Andami nang nangyari sa buhay ko. I've been through ups and downs sa real world/adulting. Even reblog I can't even do na for the past 5 years, I don't know what happened to me, to my old self na may personality. Well may personality naman ako pero like I'm struggling to do what I really want in life and that's making me doubt my personality. Speaking of life, maybe that's it, life happened. Sa past 5 years na hindi ko pag gawa sa mga bagay na talagang nagpapasaya sakin, nagbago na ako. I changed.
Family: Same old, same old. Wala pa rin tatay ko sa tabi namin ng nanay ko, di ko lang siya gets kasi kami lagi pinag aadjust nya, para bumisita, para mangamusta, para mag effort. Eh siya naman tong sumira sa buhay namin, bakit parang ang laki ng utang na loob namin sakanya??? Hindi ba dapat siya yun, kasi after all this time, napatawad siya ng nanay ko sa mga gulong siya rin nag cause. Di ko gets, nahirapan pamilya namin dahil sakanya tas ineexpect niya na ganon ganon lang sakin yun?? Wth. I've seen how mama struggled dahil sa problem na ginawa niya. Naranasan kong mahirapan sa buhay ng di ko ineexpect which is both a blessing and a curse. Despite everything I'm still thankful na I've been through a lot and the lessons I got from the experiences but not to him. Hindi sa tatay ko. Tbh, I'm so so tired na rin for being cold sakanya kasi I know naman I have a soft heart but I just can't. Di ko pa kayang makisama sakanya. Di ko siya kilala, di niya ako kilala, and that's it. We're strangers. Mama? I don't know what happened rin sa relationship namin. She's changed, after all, ang dami niya na ring pinagdaanan dahil sa tatay ko. She's easily irritated, madaling magalit sakin, but most of all, hindi nako yung pinipili niya. Ang dali lang sakanya na i-neglect ako kasi "matanda" naman na ako eh. Kaya ko na lahat 'to on my own. I'm working, I'm in my twenties and lahat nang 'to for her, easy lang sakin. But I want more, I want more from her, from them but I became cold hearted because of them. Gusto ko lang malutuan ng food na hindi nagagalit si mama, gusto ko lang ipaalam nila sakin na kaya ko to pero pag nagfall ako, I have their back or siguro kahit si mama na lang but no. I'm alone, bahala akong magfigure out lahat pero with mama's restrictions or should i say restriction galing sa tatay ko. I'm so tired of them, i'm so tired of life.
Friends: I got Ceazar, yes. I'm thankful for him, always. But... I miss my girlfriends. I miss Cha, Jani, Kyle, and Kim(Jean), I miss my college besties Cha, Alisa, and Kezia. I miss kuya Airo. I miss Aina, Jason, Junjun and Daniel. I miss ate Pat, ate Sands, ate Jewel, ate Aeriel. I still wish for their success in life kahit most of them wala akong communication. I want them to be genuinely happy. Life happened to me, di ko alam bakit ko hinayaang mawala yung connection ko sakanila, siguro hindi kaya ng pera, hindi kaya na gumastos para imeet sila kasi kailangan ilaan ko para sa pamilya, para samin. Life is so unfair rin, sana may chances na hindi need ng pera to meet all this people in my life, sana nagkaroon ng chance na hindi ko sila pinutol sa buhay ko, sana I kept on updating them about my life, sana I consistently asked them about their lives too and cared enough. Sana we talked all through our problems or misunderstandings. I just hope they remember me, my birthday today (december 3rd). I guess it's okay rin, kung hindi. :)
Boyfriend: Yes! I do have a boyfriend now, my first boyfriend and I love him so much. I love him! I just love him. I'm just so thankful na dumating siya sa buhay ko. I can't believe na there's one person na magugustuhan ako despite my flaws (physically and ugali). I do get angry and masungit sakanya but I think that's just part of our relationship. I love how we manage to love each other deeper everytime we fight or at least have misunderstandings. I like na even after all this time, he is so patient with me and to my family (or at least trying). But... I think its time for me to avoid being masungit sakanya. I dont wanna be this toxic girlfriend na magsisisi na lang in the end because she treated her boyfriend wrong. I dont wanna be that girl. I want what's best for him because deserve niya yun. He deserve so much in life, sa dami ng pag intindi niya sa mga tao. Sa paghelp niya sa family and especially sakin. He deserve more and I hope he knows na all I want for him is for his best too. [thank you beb, for being here with me today sa birthday ko, thank you for reminding me na I have art in me, thank you for always reminding me na I can still go back to the things I used to like. i love you beyond everything.]
Self: This is me now, I'm 25. I feel empty and lost... I guess, happy birthday to me.
