Magdalaane

A way to better understand myself and heal.

[magdalenn-a]

i dont know what the feeling i have is; jealousy, disappointment, frustration? im having a hard time identifying it.

but i am aware that i am some form of upset or hurt over a situation.

a friend and i had spoken before about going on trips together. we had talked about going to one city for the first time together - to the point of planning the trip and looking into events. we had talked about how our first trip there was gonna be with each other because we both wanted to go. but we didnt go on any trips together that we planned. some of the reasons we didnt go being connected to their partner.

"id rather [partner] was with us if we go camping" "[partner] would be mad if we did that without them" "i cant leave [partner] alone for that long"

so we havent gone on any trips.

forward to now and both this friend and their partner are on a trip. on a trip in the exact city that friend and i had planned on going together...

and friend brings up how they and i need to plan a trip together to go on. but we had a plan - or so i thought - and they took their partner instead.

and i dont think it would be a problem, if this friend didnt have a habit of not wanting to do things over again. i hear enough of "oh [partner] and i went there before; it wasnt that great" in our own town... hearing that in a city i was really, really looking forward to exploring for the first time...

im not sure what exactly this feeling is though...

i want them to have a good time on their trip but im upset that i thought we had a promise to go together and clearly that wasnt the case.

[magdalenn-a]

i was going through some old apps that stored videos and photos where parts of me clearly enjoyed communicating and advocating for ourselves in. some videos i didnt even know existed.

it feels surreal finding a video of [my] face and seeing someone else for a moment.

most of the videos were encouraging ourselves. others were of someone accidentally hitting record when they meant to take a photo. but overall so harmless and clearly never meant to be watched by anyone.

but im glad that they didnt get deleted because i feel like it connects me with the parts of myself i have yet to embrace fully...

[autism-adhd-information-blog-de]

I’m sure many of you can relate to this.

Life in an Autism World

Autism Awareness Month

[magdalenn-a]

as a mind thats fragmented i know how it can be hurtful for someone to express they miss a part that has integrated

but i also very much miss the conversations and atmosphere that i had with a part from another system who had integrated.

[autism-adhd-information-blog-de]

Guide for Autistic Meltdowns

Spot the signs:

Bolting/running

Throwing items

Lashing out

Losing control

Crying/yelling

Self injury

Loss of spoken communication

Freezing or shutting down

Contributing Factors:

Masking traits

Intense stress

Sudden/lots of changes

Change in routine

Cognitive overload

Sensory overload

Emotional distress

Lots of demands

Tools & Tips:

Don’t get angry

Reduce sensory input

Identify triggers & early warning signs

Make a meltdown plan

Allow space to express the emotions

Reduce demands

Have an exit strategy

Hold compassion

Sensory space/tools

Unfortunately the original post seems to be deleted. But I’ll include it here anyway.

I just wanted to share this because I think it’ll help many people.

Autism

Meltdowns

[magdalenn-a]

ive been having a lot of super troubling thoughts lately that i am scared of.

mostly revovling around death and dying. i am absolutely horrified of the concept of slowly dying all alone... that i will be all alone up until my last breath.

its gotten so bad that i am having nightly panic attacks over this. which is funny [its not] because im also actively struggling with suicidal thoughts on top of it.

add to that; my derealisation and dissociation has been. i completely forgot who i was as a physical person. i put on a mask to work, socialise, and carry out my lifes "chores" but the moment i dont have anything to do i become completely detached from my physical self.

i let myself fall back into self soothing with a delusional unreal life in my head thinking it would help keep me from spiraling. but it no longer soothes and it just further pushes me into an intense fear of being all alone.

and i thought maybe this was all fallout from recently moving out of a place i shared with my ex. and the breakup. and how im only now starting to allow myself to process all of the emotional pain related to that.

but im not sure this is a loneliness or issue any other person can solve. that scares me so much. i feel like there is something incredibly wrong with me but i dont have the proper words...

i know i need to start seeing a professional again but with how ive been feeling and what ive been going through... im scared theyll just put me on medication and brush me off. [because they have every time]

[raccooninapartyhat]

baby me, sorting m&ms by color and then into a gradient: now this is how you have fun!

[loremipsumflotsamandjetsam]

[roach-works]

baby me, observing other children eating fistfulls of randomly colored gummy bears all at once: when do i get to go back to my home planet

[fuddlyduddly]

[autism-adhd-information-blog-de]

Sometimes when I’m around people I feel almost disconnected from them. We can laugh for a while but then I just feel not apart of it..? I’m not to sure how else to explain it. I’ll just randomly feel so far away from the laughter and everyone else. I was thinking that it might be me dissociating. But idk why that would be happening. Thoughts?¿ Also idk if this means anything for this but I’m self diagnosed with autism soooo yea. Thanksss

Hi there,

I think you’re experiencing what is called Alexithymia. Here’s an excerpt of the article:

Around a half of autistic people have difficulties understanding and describing their own emotions. This is known as Alexithymia. Alexithymia can make anxiety feel worse for autistic people.

The article will be below so you can read it. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ❤️

Alexithymia | Autistica

We are the UK’s leading autism research charity. Our vision to create breakthroughts that enable all autistic people to live happier, health

[koala2055]

Hey anon, I get that too but usually when I'm just burnt out (be that after a long day, a long week, or even a long month. Being burnt out can last for ridiculously long amounts of time when you don't realise that's what's happening).

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure alexithymia is more of an all the time thing? I don't know much about the condition though don't take my word on that

[koala2055]

@autistic-af hope you don't mind the tag but I know you have alexithymia so

[autistic-af]

This sounds more like either burnout, sensory overload or a form of disassociation. I have alexithymia and it's all emotions, all the time (although there's easier days and harder days just like anything else).

Alexithymia is the inability to understand or describe their emotions. But there is still bodily sensations... They just have no meaning to me. It does not affect my enjoyment or ability to feel connected.

I hope this helps anon!

[autism-adhd-information-blog-de]

I appreciate the correction @autistic-af

[magdalenn-a]

pardon my addition to this post but based off the statement that anon says "i'll just randomly feel so far away from the laughter and everyone else" it certainly sounds dissociative.

i can only speak on my own experience, but dissociation to me often feels like a total separation of my physical self. you might often feel as if your head simply... drifted away. everything that is you is now separate from your concious. it also makes it very hard to focus on anything that those around you are saying - instead you might hear the world as if it were underwater. dissociation can also easily shift into this sense of nothing being real or that everything around you is real but you are not, and therefore dont fit in.

burnout can also feel that way if youre not aware thst youve hit your limit. which is understandable as dissociation is a tool some autists turn to when they hit burnout. i, personally, struggle to notice burnout because dissociation is so natural to me when im faced with big emotions or problems that i just dont have the energy for.

[magdalenn-a]

does anyone else struggle with the sudden overwhelming sense of emotion from a person or a persons aura that colors your own emotional system? but its also amplified once it hits you?

for example. i had a moment in the middle of work where i was doing my usual "are you finding everything okay?" rounds to make sure everyone who wanted help had been helped.

one of those customers was an older gentleman who had just sat down on a bench seat. he had this air around him though that felt very blue. he asked me a really simple question in a small voice with sad eyes.

i answered him, but as i was, i was fighting this sudden urge to just cry. it was clearly coming from this man and i was viscerally and physically feeling these hurt, shamed, and defeated feelings off him.

his question was pretty standard from most customers. but the feeling from him was so overwhelmingly strong that i couldnt shake it the whole day.

i feel like it jumpstarts my whole emotional system into chaos. because i might not have been feeling any emotion close to that, but once ive been colored it pulls up all the reasons i should keep feeling whatever feeling i am experiencing and is incredibly difficult to regulate myself down. my brain often ruminates it. over and over and over until i dissociate that emotion away

[magdalenn-a]

i struggle very much with verbal communication but i never know the right words to explain why it’s a struggle. often i just can’t verbally keep up with my own thoughts enough to be concise or clear. 

but it’s not just that, i also struggle to monitor myself and what i say or how i say something when i have to speak verbally. people don’t often give you enough time to process your own thoughts and words in verbal communication. or are quick to find fault in your initial presentation of what you say.

sometimes the only way i can word the experience is if my brain spoke in a whole different language at times and i have to translate it - but i don’t always get the translation accurate the first time around.

it’s especially difficult when it’s not just the one thought firing off in my head. i have a constant monologue of ideals, questions, facts, interests, and multiple viewpoints happening at once to filter through.

of course there are days i’m better at verbal communication than others. but all that does is make people assume that i should be good at verbal communication all the time - so when i choose to go silent because i can’t keep up or my head is too noisy; it’s a problem.

[magdalenn-a]

This blog will be a culmination of personal posts sharing my own personal experiences in dealing with my mental health, as well as a place to gather others' shared experiences that I strongly relate to. This is all in the hopes of furthering my own journey in healing and getting the proper diagnosis for all my struggles.

I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, socially anxious, with cPTSD and with Dissociative Identity Disorder in therapy. And while I am thankful for the chance to have that confirmed I feel there are things that still need to be named to properly approach to properly heal.

[magdalenn-a]

Taglist:

*Will be updated when new tags are used.

personal-experience

relatable-experience

warning: substance use

warning: SA

warning: self harm

warning: sui