Be kind

I needed a place to be my true self, a place where I can vent and share my interests, so I created this blog. Lately my hypothesis that I may be on the Spectrum is becoming more and more burdening. It's been six years (or even more) since my first "Am I autistic"online test. I feel like I'm exploding. Here I want to be free, to share and post things related to Autism Spectrum Disorder, to ask for advice, to talk about things that make me happy, so please, be kind. 🏳️‍🌈 Asexual, Pansexual 🏳️‍⚧️ Transgender, Non binary, Agender, Genderfluid

[undiagnosed-autistic]

Welcome! This is how my blog is organised:

Autism related posts: #autism, #fidget toys, #special interest #sensory issues

My current interests: #plushie, #animals pens with animals

Random interests: #interests

Personal posts: #me

[undiagnosed-autistic]

I just want to have a friend so bad

[undiagnosed-autistic]

I feel so lonely. It's one of those days (actually weeks) in which I hate being autistic, I hate the fact that it doesn't matter how much I try to make friends, I simply can't.

And it's been so long since I last had a friend.

And it's been three days and I'm still crying over another problem caused by my inability to communicate properly.

I know that it's in the diagnostic criteria of autism having social difficulties and communication difficulties, but why do I have to have such enormous difficulties?

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I feel so bad. Other autistic people are able to make friends, are able to talk properly with the doctor, aren't a failure as myself.

[undiagnosed-autistic]

Appointment with the new psychiatrist: he tells me he is a little autistic too.

I think I'm gonna cry.

[saxifraga-x-urbium]

Pick a human trait you can receive

Can see without corrective lenses

Can hear without hearing aid & actually understand conversation even

Can walk for like 4-8 hours without having to spend the next day lying down

Can enter a social situation without feeling like you're being hunted by dogs

Socks cease to feel evil / Shoes don't hurt

The Itching Finally Stops

Can eat all human foods without dietary repercussions

No longer allergic to it

Can sleep, for 8 uninterrupted hours, and feel refreshed, on command

Ability to focus on task, until task is complete, at the time of your choosing

Voting ended onApr 7

[undiagnosed-autistic]

The Puma x Pokémon collab dropping on Autism awareness day, smart move.

[undiagnosed-autistic]

I hate April. I hate the second of April. Lately I hate everything that reminds me of my "autism". I just wanna cry forever.

[undiagnosed-autistic]

Is anyone else obsessed with Legami Milano or Mr Wonderful pens? I’m looking for someone to share my love for them with

[undiagnosed-autistic]

On the bright side I got the new Legami pens ( I love the new ink colours!)

[undiagnosed-autistic]

Had the terrible idea to ask online if other people got the same experience as me (in the autism assessment process). Turns out that I'm the only one (okay, they didn't go to the same hospital as myself, but yeah I wanna cry, how is it fair that some people got to do the whole assessment process, and had all the answers within six months, while I waited for a year and a half, did the screening test, got a positive result and then nothing, because in my hospital they let you do the real assessment only if they think you might be bipolar too, or something else? How is that fair?)

[undiagnosed-autistic]

It's been more than a week and I'm still crying over it. Thinking again and again about what happened, what I should have said, what they might have meant with what they said, questions I should have asked.

[undiagnosed-autistic]

It's been two weeks. When I go to sleep I replay the conversation in my head, tell what I should have told, ask what I should have asked. When I sleep I dream about it. When I wake up, you guessed, that's my first thought. During the day it comes to my mind five or six times a day. I read and read again what they wrote about me.

It's been two weeks. I still feel like crying.

[undiagnosed-autistic]

The only things that keep me sane at work are my pencil case and my pens.

[undiagnosed-autistic]

I have the feeling that it's all my fault. Maybe they wanted to help, maybe when they told that there were a group of autistic people meeting to do I didn't understand what or where, they were asking me to join them, but I got scared and told the psychiatrist that it was too far away and if there was something closer to were I live, but no there wasn't anything. I should have told them that I would think about it, but I didn't understand, and I still don't know if they were asking me to join that group, and now I have no information what's so ever on this and no mean to acquire this information. Were they simply listing what was aviable or asking me to join? Why didn't they tell me something " if you change idea, you can write us an email or call etc". I don't understand 😭😭 why am I so bad at understanding people?

I don't know. And when they talked about adhd they said there was a drug you could take, and I stayed silent and well they didn't say anything so why were they telling it to me? Explaining to me what's aviable in the future???? If I somewhat got severally mentally ill and finally met the requirements to have a proper autism assessment not only a bunch of screening tests (that were positive)???

[undiagnosed-autistic]

It's been more than a week and I'm still crying over it. Thinking again and again about what happened, what I should have said, what they might have meant with what they said, questions I should have asked.

[undiagnosed-autistic]

The thing is years ago I suffered a lot, my life was hell, probably at that time they would have surly given me a diagnosis of some mood or anxiety disorder. But i didn't talk to anybody about how I was feeling and what was happening to me, the people around me thought I was physically sick or just a bit stressed. And now I'm thinking how much help I would have needed and they could have given me, my whole life maybe would have been different. And now I feel better simply because I don't do the things that make me sick anymore. I don't take the bus or the train, I don't have to talk to professors anymore or do exams, I don't need to talk to people, I don't go to the cinema, I don't drive, I don't do the things that made me suffer anymore, but it's not simply because that part of my life ended it's because I'm not even trying anymore, I simply don't do the things I want to do. That's it.

[undiagnosed-autistic]

Shaking shaking shaking

[undiagnosed-autistic]

I don't know why I feel so devasted. Perhaps because I wanted someone to actually see that i don't feel well? That I'm deeply sad and I have a lot of different anxieties? I know it's my fault because I lied when I answered some of the questions (five months ago when I did the written test) but I thought I was supposed to lie at questions like do you ever think of hurting yourself and so on, I didn't know that was a situation I was required to tell the truth. I hate myself.