A Curious Ottercat

Renata / A conscious arrangement of particles Genderfluid Enby ( she / her )

[mageofthought]

seems the more I think about it, the more it pisses me off.

why am i still here.

why the fuck am I still here.

nobody exists on purpose et cetera, it doesn’t fucking matter, it doesn’t matter. there’s no universe clean-up crew to take care of loose ends they just don’t fucking MATTER.

as if months of stabbing abdominal pain and palpitations weren’t enough.

even with the creepy black stool the one fucking thing we were holding onto was that it wasn’t fresh red

BUT NO

even that gets taken from us. what the fuck.

will the GI even be able to see us anytime soon? will they make us wait until may 31st anyway? who FUCKING KNOWS.

why is our life in someone else’s hands, all the fucking time. why can’t we just exist. why can’t we go a fucking week without the body or somefuckingone else actively fucking us over.

why do i still exist..

why do any of us still exist when the body’s trying so fucking hard to kill us and certain FUCKING people won’t stop doing the same old shit that fucks us over. why the fuck.. what is even the point.

THERE IS NO FUCKING POINT, nobody belongs anywhere, nobody exists on purpose, everybody’s gonna DIE.

come watch tv.

guess that’s one of the only things we hae left at this point, haha, fucking tv and tumblr and whatever other fucking distractions we can scrounge togeher because what the fuck ELSE is the point of this existence but to just fucking weather it and wait for the next shoe to drop?

watch it be fucking cancer or someshit. just like the lady in the video. that’s what we get for daring to try treadmilling for fifteen fucking minutes, huh, can’t even do that bare minimum of shit to keep the body slightly-active without fucking bloody shit.

the doctor who did her colonoscopy and found the polyp/s said it probably wasn’t cancer but the doctor who actually analyzed it confirmed it was. they ripped the rug right out from under that lady. she went running and shat blood and it was cancer and now fucking look, look at how similar this is becoming..

colorectal cancer. if i bet on it and i’m right what do i fucking win? chemo? not even two years since we started actually liking and knowing how to handle the body’s hair, ha, how’s that for a fuck you from the universe. you’d think we’d be used to this by now.

why am i even here..

because there’s no universal clean-up crew, nobody to sweep away the worthless pieces..

why does it have to be so hard to just stop fucking existing jesus fucking christ..

you’d think internal fucking bleeding would merit more concern than a straight month of delay before doing anything about it, but, haha. you would be wrong. will the pictures show the blood well enough? will it not be enough blood for anyone to give a shit yet? do we have to get drastically worse before anyone will even fucking take it seriously? who fucking knows. seems like until we shit pure straight-up blood or have a 103 fever, who fucking gives a shit, send the autistic “girl” away and tell “her” to come back in a month..

fuck everything. all this and we can’t even have one fucking solid relationship to trust in and draw comfort from. you can’t act like we matter and then blithely ignore the things that are vitally important to our continued survival, you just fucking can’t, it doesn’t work that way, that’s called “mattering only to the extent that someone can get what they want from you and not beyond that,” not actually mattering, if our shit was gonna matter it would have fucking mattered already..

but nothing fucking matters, does it, nobody belongs anywhere, nobody exists on purpose, everybody’s gonna die.. et fucking cetera..

nothing matters, no one matters, so why should we.. people only matter as much as they’re granted importance by others, otherwise they’re fucking invisible or rejected.. why the fuck should we have ~needs~ when they don’t fucking matter anyway and trying to act like they should is just a recipe for continued fucking misery and disappointment..

the fuck am i even talking about anymore.. who fucking cares.

this is probably the highest ratio of “fuck”s and variations thereupon that i’ve dropped in a single entry.

why keep existing when existing is pain. physical fucking pain, emotional fucking pain, et fucking cetera.. what is the fucking point. 

but there’s no perma-dying in a DID system. energy doesn’t die, it just changes form, redistributes, et cetera.. the brain split us up to do its bidding so it could stay alive, it won’t let us go now.. even if we did manage to go under again, CJ made contact with us again in 2012 after we thought we were dead for good in 2006, nobody ever really perma-dies without the ability to be reached out to again someodd years in the future when someone gets cocky and thinks they can handle trying for ~recovery~ with us again..

sy already tried to off herself again recently, these forms are even more death-resistant.. what the fuck does it even matter. maybe the best we can hope for is sleep, sleeping forever or as close to it as we can get before someone gets cocky or optimistic, and just letting sienna and CJ do whatever the fuck they’re gonna do.

which seems to be where things might be heading. and yet, here i fucking am.

guess i can see how sy’s apparently burned herself out into rampant bitterness. what the fuck else is there to do when death won’t stick as long as the brain needs us to be its pawns and do its bidding, brain don’t give a fuuck, brain does what it thinks is necessary to survive, regardless of what happens to we poor replaceable fucks..

apparently quackie became one with the fire or someshit. dunno if she still is but hey, good for her, probably beats feeling certain other things. she always was good at not letting others get close enough to hurt her. how the fuck do some of us keep making that mistake. you’d think we’d fucking learn.

such is our behavioral reinforcement history though. heh. desperately holding onto any possibility that things could be better, even when the evidence isn’t there, just the chance of a possibility is enough for the brain to cling to, just to keep surviving day to day.. how fucking sad.

so pathetic. the brain spent so long being trained by our shitty environment to look for any hint of a silver lining, any whisper of possible change for the better.. such wishful thinking. even when someone else’s reinforcement history programmed them to be looking out for number one. and who the fuck am i to argue that, really, that’s just how some trauma shit plays out.no point acting like we and our bullshit can change that.

fucking chest hurts in a new way, great. because why the fuck not. thanks, universe, definitely needed the cherry on top of the shit sundae, haha oh WAIT, universe don’t fucking care! this shit just happens to people. doesn’t fucking matter what we do, our literal life is in the hands of medical personnel who are so frequently racist / sexist / homophobic / ableist / all of the fucking above and more. doesn’t fucking matter, that’s just the way the dice landed.

why the fuck am i still bothering. none of this matters. pissing about it won’t change anything, or make our insides less broken, or make medical folk give more of a shit. we just get to wait, wait and see, whether or not we become a statistic. “x people die every year from y.” at this rate, that could very well be us, if nobody gives a shit until we’ve gotten so much worse that it’s beyond fixing. that shit happens to people every day, there doesn’t need to be a reason, people can be honest and loyal and still get fucked over because the universe’s roulette didn’t favor them one day. it could happen to anyone, nothing’s stopping it from potentially happening to us. and what can we do about it? fuckall.

it’s been about a year now, since the descent into chronic illness hell, not counting the lpr because that shit sucks but it’s got nothing on stabbing pains and bloody stool.

a year. and scarcely any more answers now than we had then. typical.

why am i bothering.

maybe the body will fall asleep for an hour or so, before we have to see what the GI says, assuming they even fucking pick up their phone when they’re supposed to be open. fuckers put on their after-hours voicemail a full twenty minutes before they were supposed to close yesterday, so. who fucking knows. once again we’re at the mercy of the whims of those around us.

fuck. whatever. back to circling the drain and half-heartedly wishing for oblivion, i guess.

[niknak79]

[natevansart]

Lapis Lazuli yaaaaaaaaaaaaaas <3 Done with gouache brushes on photoshop )o)  This and much more is on my deviantart: saaally.deviantart.com :) 

(HI NEW FOLLOWERS THANK YOU SO MUCH OMG)

[time-lord-swag-deactivated20140]

A strawBEARy

[busket]

a friend

[mrs-navaja-deactivated20170218]

yay

[jadechanstumbler]

Peridot Isn't a Bad Guy

Since she got stuck on Earth Peridot has been the ongoing antagonist of the Crystal Gems, but after watching the newest episode Catch and Release I realized something. Peridot is not the villain. 

With her drawn out monologs in battle, her maniacal laughter and her ‘I’ll get you next time Crystal Gems’ she seams like you stereotypical cartoon baddy. But from Peridot’s point of view she has done nothing wrong, and to her the Gems are the villains. 

I noticed this when Peridot first reforms.

“You insufferable, half formed, traitor mega clods!” 

She calls the Gems traitors, because they are, the turned against home world and fought a war for Earth. Now to us they were the freedom fighters protecting our planet and human kind from extinction and preserving our way of life. But all  Peridot has ever known is Home World, to her the Gems are traitor who turned against their own kind and even killed them.  

“Oh my stars. Your going to harvest me?!”

When she sees all the other bubbled gems she assumes they’re being used for experiments, after all the Crystal Gems fought and distorted their own kind, why would they care to show respect to their gems?

“Look over there! Another planet to betray!”

When someone is branded a traitor to their people, their country or their planet, it comes with very negative connotation of being underhanded, deceitful and two faced. Being a traitor is one of the worst things a person can be branded as. 

“As if I’d negotiate with you! Filthy war machine!”

We’ve already seen in Keeping it Together that Home World has a very low opinion of fusion and gems who fuse. This mindset is part of Peridot’s hostility toward Garnet as well as why she isn’t bothered by the fusion experiments. The gems used were no doubt fallen rebel gems from the rebellion and it was seen that, even though they were traitors, they could be of use in this way. 

“What a great souvenir of the other time you assaulted me.”

All Peridot has been doing this entire time was her job, what Home World sent her to do. To her she’s merely been trying to be a loyal, hardworking gem when these traitors to her home attacked her, stranded her on an unfamiliar world and then proceeded to hunt her down. Finally resulting in her getting poofed and then reforming defenseless in enemy territory. 

Peridot is not just a villain being mean to our heroes because their good and good is lame. She is a trained technician, serving her leader and fighting against those who betrayed her home. I’ve seen some say that this episode was the start of the “Peridot redemption arc” but that doesn’t seem quite right to me, Peridot is not an evil doer who needs to be “redeemed”. I think whats going to happen will be more of a “Peridot understanding the gems, Earth and Steven arc” because there is no villain here. Just two opposing sides doing what they feel they need to do based on what they believe in. 

[mageofthought]

So, I took the CharacTour thing, and I figure it might be handy to keep this list for future entertainment purposes. This is just some of those within my top ten percent, from 79.5% to 69.5%, who I thought were or might be interesting.

Haven’t Seen

79.5% - Jack Harkness (Doctor Who)

79.3% - Ray Gillette (Archer)

78.7% - Hazel Lancaster (The Fault in Our Stars)

78.5% - Lars Lindstrom (Lars and the Real Girl)

78.1% - Peter Bishop (Fringe)

77.8% - Carl Gallagher (Shameless)

77.5% - Thomas Shelby (Peaky Blinders)

77.4% - Agatha Heterodyne

77.4% - Sayid Jarrah (Lost)

77.4% - Jenna Hamilton (Awkward.)

76.9% - Nick Burkhardt (Grimm)

76.8% - Marv (Sin City)

76.5% - Mason (Boyhood)

76.4% - Marjane Satrapi (Persepolis)

76.1% - Suzy Bishop (Moonrise Kingdom)

75.4% - Hank Lawson (Royal Pains)

75.3% - Carl Grimes (The Walking Dead)

75.2% - James T. “Joker” Davis (Full Metal Jacket)

75.1% - Peggy Olson (Mad Men)

75.0% - Jemima Walker (In the Flesh)

74.9% - Maggie Greene (The Walking Dead)

74.8% - John Mitchell (Being Human)

74.3% - Malory Archer (Archer)

74.2% - Louise Sawyer (Thelma & Louise)

73.2% - Veronica Mars (Veronica Mars)

73.2% - Temperance Brennan (Bones)

71.4% - Dwight McCarthy (Sin City)

71.4% - Stephen Hawking (The Theory of Everything)

69.5% - Joan Harris (Mad Men)

Seen

79.1% - Daria Morgendorffer (Daria)

79.0% - April Ludgate (Parks and Rec)

78.7% - Vada Sultenfuss (My Girl)

78.5% - Bertram Gilfoyle (Silicon Valley)

78.4% - Remus Lupin (Harry Potter)

77.9% - Harold Lee (Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle)

77.7% - Ford Prefect (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

77.6% - Galina (Red) Reznikov (Orange is the New Black)

77.4% - Bob Belcher (Bob’s Burgers)

77.3% - Dana Scully (The X-Files)

77.3% - Bruce Banner (The Incredible Hulk)

77.2% - Rya Stone (Gravity)

77.2% - Carl Fredricksen (Up)

76.8% - Abigail Hobbs (Hannibal)

76.8% - Donnie Darko (Donnie Darko)

76.5% - Twilight Sparkle (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)

76.5% - Howl (Howl’s Moving Castle)

76.4% - Haymitch Abernathy (The Hunger Games)

76.2% - Alana Bloom (Hannibal)

75.9% - Janis Ian (Mean Girls)

75.8% - Princess Fiona (Shrek)

75.8% - Rocket Raccoon (Guardians of the Galaxy)

75.8% - Sherlock Holmes (Sherlock)

75.7% - Carla Espinosa (Scrubs)

75.6% - Dan Dreiberg (Watchmen)

75.5% - Egon Spengler (Ghostbusters)

75.5% - Buttercup (The Princess Bride)

75.5% - Shawn Spencer (Psych)

75.5% - Will Hunting (Good Will Hunting)

75.3% - Sirius Black (Harry Potter)

75.1% - Shane Botwin (Weeds)

74.8% - Spencer Reid (Criminal Minds)

74.7% - Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)

74.6% - Shrek (Shrek)

74.6% - Elliot Stabler (Law & Order: SVU)

74.4% - Mako (The Legend of Korra)

74.4% - Hiro (Big Hero 6)

74.3% - Emma Kurtzman (No Strings Attached)

74.3% - Phil Connors (Groundhog Day)

74.1% - Olive Penderghast (Easy A)

74.1% - Evan Treborn (The Butterfly Effect)

74.0% - Penelope Garcia (Criminal Minds)

73.8% - Dave Strider (Homestuck)

73.7% - Mako Mori (Pacific Rim)

73.4% - Sophia Burset (Orange is the New Black)

73.1% - Yvaine (Stardust)

72.8% - Flynn Rider (Tangled)

72.6% - Allison Reynolds (The Breakfast Club)

72.4% - Suzanne Warren (Orange is the New Black)

72.2% - Will Graham (Hannibal)

72.1% - Turanga Leela (Futurama)

72.1% - Steven Hyde (That ‘70s Show)

71.9% - Dom Cobb (Inception)

71.9% - Alastar Moody (Harry Potter)

71.6% - Gregory House (House MD)

71.4% - Teddy Daniels (Shutter Island)

71.4% - Slartibartfast (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

71.2% - Jack Frost (Rise of the Guardians)

71.1% - Hellboy (Hellboy)

70.7% - Alex Dunphy (Modern Family)

70.7% - Perry Cox (Scrubs)

70.6% - Veronica Corningstone (Anchorman)

70.2% - Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)

70.2% - Rick Sanchez (Rick and Morty)

69.7% - Batman / Bruce Wayne (The Dark Knight)

69.6% - Elsa (Frozen)

69.6% - Susanna Kaysen (Girl, Interrupted)

69.5% - Silk Spectre II (Watchmen)

69.5% - Sokka (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

[lisatrimtrimm]

I’m filled with so much joy

[lockscreens-homescreens]

please like/reblog if you save or use it

[it-a]

my characters and my stories are my heart..

[merengewebo]

[nwaq]

Wear what makes you feel you.

[howtofailtherapy]

How I feel when I give people advice.

[catboyfriends-archive]

yellow horse for my girlfriend

[talksick]

just heard my roommate yell ‘you USED me!!!’ from the living room n im sitting here like ??? 2 seconds later my rat comes running into my room holding a french fry in his lil baby mouth

[yalum]

The best selfie in the world. 

[fuckyeahfluiddynamics]

Non-Newtonian fluids are capable of all kinds of counter-intuitive behaviors. The animations above demonstrate one of them: the tubeless or open siphon. Once the effect is triggered by removing some of the liquid, the fluid quickly pours itself out of the beaker. This is possible thanks to the polymers in the liquid. The falling liquid pulls on the fluid left behind in the beaker, which stretches the polymers in the fluid. When stretched, the polymers provide internal tension that opposes the extensional force being applied. This keeps the fluid in the beaker from simply detaching from the falling liquid. Instead, it flows up and over the side against the force of gravity, behaving rather more like a chain than a fluid!  (Image credit: Ewoldt Research Group, source)

[lizard-water]

Emolga’s having some fun