Merlin learnt Young never to cry in front of people.
That didn’t mean he never cried. No. In a life such as his, the tears came whether you wanted them to or not.
But he learnt, as Hunith had learnt before him- before he had so much as even opened his eyes- to Never let a person See.
His tears weren’t a thing he could hide with magic. He didn’t know whether that was because they were themselves magical, or whether it was because he’d never been very good at concealing himself. All he knew was that, whenever the tears came, they came as droplets coloured the purest Gold.
His tears were how Hunith discovered that Will Knew. She found them one day, in bouts of helpless laughter over their latest ridiculous prank, and decided in that instant that the two of them together would Surely result in eventual Discovery. Not through any malicious act on Will’s part, but through sheer reckless lack of care.
He didn’t cry on the way to The Lake- couldn’t allow himself to let them fall as he walked, because to do so would be to admit that he had lost all hope- but, when Freya sailed to her final Rest, she did so with Gold staining the shoulder of her ill-gotten gown, and golden flecks scattered among the leaves and petals which framed her too-cold form.
He almost revealed himself after Balinor. Almost failed to keep them from spilling out, even while he stood in the same room as Uther, Arthur, and a whole crowd of Uther’s knights. He couldn’t bring himself to Burn the jacket he’d worn when it happened, though- even though the shimmering streaks from where he’d hastily scrubbed away his initial grief remained a symbol of stark condemnation which wouldn’t wash out. Instead, he folded it carefully and tucked it away under the floorboard, next to an unassuming square of cloth stained with gold and hemlock intertwined. A memento to his own personal loss, yes, but a reminder also of all the pain his actions had brought upon the city itself over all the days prior.
Besides Gaius, the only person in Camelot to ever See was Lancelot. And even then only once. Maybe it would have been more, but then Lancelot was Gone, too, and a gold-tinged pillowcase bearing the release of the Failure after Failure he had built up over the years was hidden, too, so that not even Gaius saw what this latest loss had wrought.
The first time Merlin ever wept openly was the day the law changed.
And the golden flagstone upon which he knelt remains to this day.
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