[magshaw]

My Personal Remedies for Depression:

1. Working out/running

2. Being outside

3. Eating a banana 

4. Eating peanut butter

5. Sleep, but not too much

6. MUSIC

7. Writing

8. Talking to a friend

9. Meditation/Prayer

10. Showering/baths

11. Wearing something nice

12. Making a To-Do list and marking things off, even very little and simple things to remind myself of movement

13. Comedy

14. Doing a random act of kindness

15. Drinking a lot of water

16. Wearing bright colors

17. Reading

18. Looking at my reflection and seeing myself through God's eyes

I'm grateful that my list of remedies is growing, because I always have something to lean on, even when I feel like I don't. 

[magshaw]

God is REEEEEALLLLLLLY Testing Me Right Now

I clearly struggle with having faith, and control issues, and God is really testing me right now. Registration opened yesterday afternoon and ends tonight at 11:45, and I have NO classes. I can't even get myself on the wait-list. Needless to say this is extremely nerve wracking, and I'm doing all I can. Also, I have barely any money, and tomorrow is pay day, but I have been losing hours and only get paid every 2 weeks. I'm also missing someone something fierce, and haven't heard a word from in days. I don't know how he is, or if he'll ever come back to me. I don't know what is going on.

I don't know anything about ANYTHING with my life right now! 

I've always been that person who feels they have to know everything about everything, but I guess that's not faith, and God is giving me a serious lesson......

and it hurts! 

[magshaw]

I love you, I love you, I love you

I'm currently watching one of Robin Williams' films, What Dreams May Come. Although I never knew him on a personal level, seeing so many of his films, it's hard not to feel a connection. Life really is short, and we never know what someone is struggling with. I'm just contemplating the love I have for those in my life, and my heart is swelling. This movie makes me want to text him 'I love you', but even those words can't convey what my heart feels. He really has no idea.... I love you, I love you, I love you.

[magshaw]

Identifying Emotional Patterns and Shifting

After watching one of Tony Robbins' videos, I'm already experiencing a difference in my emotional patterns. He's awesome, and really hits the nail on the head! I have learned to identify my "emotional home" as he calls it, and learning to shift on a conscious level to an opposite positive emotion. I am learning to make a quicker shift from apathy and indifference to passion and enthusiasm; fear and doubt to confidence and faith! I seriously feel like I had a free life coaching session over the internet, and it is gradually helping me become "unstuck".

[magshaw]

I just need to accept it

Sometimes people don't want you in their life, and sometimes they have no reason. Sometimes, it happens out of nowhere. And I need to accept, that it is what it is. Sometimes they tell you why they've decided to leave, and sometimes they come back.. Sometimes.

[magshaw]

Broken Illusion

She broke it, shattered it completely. The friendship was all but fractured-- She broke it; ruined the illusion that there ever was one.

[magshaw]

You're a brat; no one has ever made me shift from a rage to happy. Only with you.

[magshaw]

Words Won't Do Justice

Memories are stored, with the feelings they evoke, 

deep into a room at the core of my essence,

and only I can enter this place.

Maybe it's my selfishness, 

but I fear forming words for these feelings

would simply cheapen them. 

He hits me with an instant, euphoric high

by the smile on his face, 

and the way he says "sweetheart".

He's more than a feeling; 

he's more than a memory--

Words won't do justice. 

[cosmopolitanmagazine]

[magshaw]

I've been feeling very quiet and private lately.

  Lately, I have so much on my mind, and yet nothing all at the same time. I feel nothing, and everything. It's like I'm watching memories, but never fully attached to any of them. I think this is a good thing, though. I guess I just like to be reminded of how far I've come. I lost two friends as of late, one of them being my boyfriend of almost a year, and the other being someone I had been friends with for a few years. Both were my decision, and both were premeditated. I have no ill feelings toward either. Both are phenomenal people who will always have a place in my heart.

  My lessons continue: I have learned sometimes you have to give someone space for them to find and be themselves; I have learned calling someone a friend doesn't make them one; if someone doesn't want to understand, they don't need to; if someone isn't willing to listen to what isn't being said, words are useless; only when you know your worth will others value you. 

[magshaw]

I can't keep chasing...

I have this horrible tendency to chase people, especially those who couldn't care less about being in my life. It's like I try and force them into it, only hurting myself more. Clearly, I'm a masochist. I know the cycle well. You start getting close to someone, and then you're so ready for that moment for them to walk out, that you've become emotionally distant, so much so that you push others away. Looking back, I'd have to be honest with myself in that I was probably just as responsible for pushing others as they were for walking away. With that mentality and behavior, I can't entirely blame anyone who would walk away from that, when they're getting signs to stay and go all at the same time. I understand the behavior well, and yet, I continue to pursue people who really just don't care... Or they're pushing me so hard that I don't even feel welcome being in their life. I'm a masochist.

[magshaw]

I need to find out what I want

I want a life of passion. Passion sums what I want out of life, because with it, there is love and adventure. However, something I've noticed about myself is that I have a tendency to make others' needs MY needs, thus also sacrificing my values. Clearly, I'm not 100% over my codependency. I still don't know what it's like to receive without giving, and if I receive anything, I feel obligated to give. Also, when I give, it's not even a thought. I just do it, but often times, to the point where I have nothing left to give. I feel like Maggie Carpenter from 'Runaway Bride'. Not only is her name Maggie in the movie, she's a runner, and has commitment/intimacy issues. I always remember that part in the movie where she claims to like everything, because she adopted everyone else's wants and them her own, and then learned what she really likes and dislikes on her own. Although I'm very self-aware, I think I need to take a little time for myself and remember what I like and need in my life without anyone around to influence me. Here is my list of things I want/need/like (very general) : -Passion -Adventure -God--spirituality -Freedom -Communication -Relationships -Integrity -Physical activity (especially running) -Massages -Sleep -Someone to listen to me without interrupting or criticizing -Flowers -Solitude -Laughter

[psych-facts]

You don’t need another human being to make your life complete, but let’s be honest. Having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn’t see them as disasters in your soul but cracks to put their love into is the most calming thing in this world.

Unknown (via felicefawn)

[magshaw]

Distrust

I’m not gonna lie, I’m a bit hurt right now, and for a few reasons. This break up isn’t easy for me, I’m losing the person who was my best friend for a year! And then on top of that, someone who I thought was a friend is already showing me similar behavior patterns from people in my past who walked out. That’s why it always makes me cringe when people say ‘I’ll always be here’. STOP! Don’t tell me that, just BE! Words mean nothing. Just like it may be nice to hear the words ‘you’re beautiful’, but again, it means nothing if said person doesn’t treat you with value.

I’m a writer, and words mean nothing. I know how words can be manipulated, although sounding nice. It’s not words that I want. It’s sincerity and action that I want.

[magshaw]

I'm single now.

Well, like the post is titled, I'm single now. And I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel a wide range of emotions all at the same time. I feel sad; I feel relieved; I feel insecure; I feel doubtful; I feel confident; I feel free; I feel lonely; I feel loved. They're a weird range of emotions, even a bit contradictory, but all real and valid. I just lost who has become my best friend for the past year. Although it's something I have pondered for a while now, letting go is never easy, regardless of what anyone says. And it's certainly not any easier listening to more criticism by the person who claimed to love you. 

Do he ever truly love me?

Am I really all those horrible things he said?

Are my standards too high? 

Are my standards not high enough?

Am I a "nothing" who also achieves nothing? 

I refuse to "settle", and I know to my core that I'm a good person, even if that's hard for me to believe sometimes because I believe all the lies, and I deserve GREAT things.

One day someone is going to sweep me off my feet.

One day I'm going to forget all the pain I had to defeat. 

One day someone will brush my hair back and kiss my cheek.

One day someone will makes my knees weak. 

One day I'm going to remember why I held on for so long. 

One day I'm going to know what it means to feel weak and yet strong. 

[magshaw]

sdfgwergw4

When people complain about having no friends, because no one is there for them, but it's someone who I thought was a friend saying this to me, I feel like they're telling me that I'm not a friend. Wouldn't anyone? I mean, when someone hears that, they won't want to communicate, or hang out, because now they feel like the other person thinks less of them. I think all you can do is all you can do, and some people will only consider me a friend when no one else is around to hang out with. I'm learning to not be offended by that, because it's part of the human condition, but it is frustrating when someone whom I thought was a friend of mine will tell me they have no friends... This seems random, but I just saw something for the first time, and it reminded me of all of this. 

It's like....

Am I invisible? 

Am I chopped liver?! 

Geez. ....and of course, that lessens my desire to hang out with said person. 

...That aside, I have really awesome friends, like people who genuinely care about me, and even contact me just because, or to hang out. I am incredibly blessed! Woo-doggy! 

[magshaw]

Friendship

I’ve learned as I grow older that friends are not necessarily those I ‘hang out with’, but rather those who make a point to be in my life in the midst of life’s chaos, and as paths continue to move in every direction. These people certainly are few and far between, but I am beyond grateful for those I can call a friend.

I don’t have many friends, especially those I can hang out with because of my extremely busy life, but when I reflect on those I know genuinely care and are there for me, it’s more than I could ask for. I’ve really begun to disregard anyone who isn’t serving me and my purpose. I still get disappointed about things, but life is too short to not be happy and spend the time I have wondering if people I thought are/were friends really are. It’s just not worth the time and energy anymore.