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A Holiday Related Anxiety Rant.

Trying to push away all the negative emotions and memories I have embedded in my brain from past holidays and past lives.

I couldn’t even tell you who I was back then.

I was certainly a different person with a different soul.

Maybe that’s it’s.

No, that’s definitely it.

I was a different person with a different soul.

I was a child with a pure soul—one that hadn’t been smashed to bits just yet.

Do not get me wrong, Lol. I did a lot of damage to myself. I got myself in some shady ass, shit-show situations and just accepted it, Lol.

That’s how you learn and grow, I tell myself.

Or am I just making more excuses for myself? Is it truly that bad to defend yourself? I have literally so many questions...

I ranted off topic, oops.

Anyway...

Another thing I’m gonna bitch about is the fact that even though I don’t really consider myself religious, I try to decorate for the Holidays every year at home just to have a good, steady stream of homey, sweet vibes bouncing around.

Well this year that didn’t happen as planned.

I had some financial issues meaning I lost my most important bank card. Looked for it and retraced my steps for almost a week (Locked card on app so I knew my all money was safe) before I finally broke down and called to report it lost.

And with MY WONDERFUL STREAK OF PURE LUCK, I find my “lost” card not 24 hours later.

And this is why I think I’m like psychic or some shit because I get certain random pictures in my mind but it’s just like a flash from a camera and if I don’t remember what I saw quickly, I forget about it. But it’s been happening a lot lately, which I recently invested in a little box of crystals but that’s besides the point.

I saw a flash or dream in my mind of the corner of the room I found my card in. Weird.

I could go on forever about this but let’s get back on topic.

So for most of December I have been locked out of access to my funds.

Now I finally have access to my funds after a random surprise trip to the ATM with my new card. So Christmas is gonna be a late thing for us this year and that’s fine by me.

We all celebrate differently and this is just how I’m doing it this year. Either way that whole concept isn’t what’s truly important, what’s truly important is that I’m gonna be able to go home and spend the holidays with my family and friends who I haven’t seen in a long time now and that will help my mental health greatly I think.

I have a decent job this time and can actually not worry about everything for once during a trip. I’m excited.

I don’t know where all of this went to but yeah. I think I’m done.

[[I smoked a fat mini blunt earlier and it’s got me a little lifty Lol.]]

If anyone actually like reads any of this bullshit vomit spewed from my mind then Happy Holidays or whatever you celebrate!

If you get down around this time of year, just know you are not alone. And if you need to reach out and ask questions or get some advice just talk to someone, that includes myself, just shoot a message or ask whatever you like, I will respond I promise.

Or if you’d rather talk to someone else try Better Help!

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas!

Happy Hanukkah!

Happy Kwanza!

Happy New Year!

Happy whatever you celebrate! 🎅🏻🎄☃️❄️🎁🎊

I love you, always.

-J.♥️

michellepsychologist

The “Mental Illness Recovery Series” book has 100 inspirational stories that explores the exhausting, but noble journey of recovery.

📍🗺 Where to buy it :) = http://awakesociety.com/mental-illness-recovery-book/ 🗺📍

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🧠Anxiety disorders

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🧠Dissociative disorders

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anxietyproblem

Holidaze Depression

Another Holiday to add to the books.

I can remember when I was younger thinking Thanksgiving wasn’t such a big deal. Actually, I dreaded it at one point because of the waiting on the food, the family that would stop by once or twice a year just to never been seen or heard of again, and being stuck at home with nothing to do or no where to go.

Just waiting. Waiting for everything. Or waiting for it to all be over.

But I’m here to tell you now that thinking that way will guarantee you regret later in your life. And a lot of it.

Here I am, my 25th Thanksgiving to add to my collection throughout the years. I haven’t had an actual-my immediate family only-normal-Thanksgiving since I was at least 16.

When I think about Thanksgiving, I associate it with the memory of my parents divorce. Because I broke the news to Mom that Dad was a cheating bastard the day before Thanksgiving 2010. I found out 2 weeks prior when he bought me a new phone, all of which was because he got himself a new phone as well. When that phone went off one night while he was sleeping on the couch, I snuck in to see who could be texting him so much. And I’m sure you can paint the rest of the picture yourself.

When I think of Thanksgiving now, I remember all the other families I spent it with because after that one in 2010 I no longer had a family to share it with.

All of the ex boyfriends & their moms/dads & grandparents & aunts & uncles & cousins. & how empty I still felt. & alone.

A stray.

Sure, one could make the argument that maybe it’s better this way because Dad has someone new and so does Mom and they both have their own homes and lives and hearts and souls and loves.

I’m glad they’re happy. That’s all I really want.

But how dare they say they weren’t happy together. How fucking dare you?

What no one realizes is the children are the witnesses to their parents lives. We see everything and eventually we figure it out all on our own. I sure had to.

And I seen happiness. Hell, I felt it.

When I was a kid and we went to the amusement park every summer. I’m sure it was stressful as fuck but we have home videos that we would watch all the time. I don’t know of any details going on in the relationship or anything like that but I vividly remember both of themvsmiling. All the time. And laughing their asses off. Where do you think I learned how to be so down to earth and have an amazing sense of humor?

I watched them build our house from the ground up (trailer to house). My entire life revolves around that house. It’s always been there. It’s saved me from being homeless on a few occasions. We all built that with our bare hands. (Mostly Dad but we totally helped tho lol) My point being that house held so much happiness and love.

And here I am at 25 on my 25th Thanksgiving. Dreading the hostile depression the holidays will bring my way as it has every year since. Working for the holiday pay so something good will come out of it. Trying to prepare myself and remember all the good Thanksgivings I had with both my parents as a whole, as a family.

And I draw a blank.

Because I never appreciated it while it was happening. Or maybe the trama is keeping me from those memories, I don’t know. I can remember small snippets and details but not an actual single year or date.

I’m lucky to have any memories, I’m aware of that. And I feel for those that were never able to have that and I apologize if this comes off the wrong way. I’m just trying to vent and mourn the end of an era, my old family.

Even if it was 7 years ago.