lama's bakwaas

Aspiring Journalist. Podcaster. Pilates & Barre

[malaysian-rants]

In Conversation: Being A Veteran Sex Worker & Dealing with Sexual Assault

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In this chat, I spoke to Mia. She worked in the industry for up to 10 years dabbling in different forms of sex work - stripping, topless waitressing. Let’s jump straight into it. 

How did you start Mia?

Mia: I was 19. I’d never been to a club before and I asked a group of my male friends, “Have you been there? Can you take me?” So we went to a club and it was just such a cool vibe. I really enjoyed the night. One of the girls, she was probably joking, but she said, “You should work here”. I was working full time at an office at that point, just doing admin stuff and I was like “yeah okay”. I was actually stupidly shy. So I have no idea what pushed me to do it but I just decided I wanted to do it. So I talked to the owner that night and I started two days later.

Wow, good on you. I think it takes a lot of courage and confidence. How did you think your personality kind of evolved in the time that you worked?

Mia: I was so shy that even amongst my own friends, I barely looked at people when I spoke to them. You know the club environment, you literally have to approach large groups of men and sell yourself. So it definitely made me come out of my shell, I got a lot more confidence in myself, my ability to talk to people all that sort of thing changed me hugely. 

That’s amazing. What was the industry like? Because you’ve been in it for quite a long time. 10 years is a long time. What was the industry like back then and how did the club operate? The one you were at because I know there are a lot of different ways different clubs operate across the country as well. What was it like for you having to work every night?

Mia: So back then, it was a pretty cool environment where I guess the market wasn't as flooded as it is now. And it was, I would say, easy. I'm never gonna say it's easy work. But it was easier to make money. It was pretty cool when I started, and I got kind of worse over the years, but the fees weren't that bad back then. So to give context, you have to pay a fee to work at the club and then they also take like a percentage of your tipping money. At the point where I started the dance money was cash only so they didn't take any of that. That was cool. The rules in WA is no touching. So I know, in Queensland, I think Queensland is the only place where it's like touching is allowed. Yes, it was like strictly no touching. You do your stage stage shows like several times throughout the night, and then you go and try and get dances essentially. Yeah. Is there anything so specific about because I could like drone on!

No, it’s fine! You can drone on. It’s just for me to understand what your experience is like for the people that will read and listen to understand because I feel like it’s so easy for people to see sex work and dancing as this big monolith and they have a specific idea of what it’s like but it’s quite different depending where you are, what your management is like, what your club is like, and the time/place that’s you’re working in. So feel free to drone on

Mia: I’ll be careful how I say this - management were the kind of people who were really lovely and everything was like an overall family but you don't want to do something wrong. I'll leave it at that. It was genuinely, for the most part, at the start it was quite a good environment. Um, but then so I guess my experience is split into areas. The main area that I eventually got into was private waitressing, which is a big thing in WA. I think it's growing in other states. So you essentially get a booking to go to usually a bachelor party, but there's also like card nights, or footy days, or something like that. So you essentially go to like, a backyard, somebody's backyard, or maybe on a boat, or a football club, and you're serving drinks, either topless or nude. There are hourly rates for those. Basically, you just talk shit and make sure people are having a good time, and serve drinks. I guess it can be a bit more risky, because you don't have the security of a club environment but the benefit that I found in that was that in WA particularly, there's an independent network where the girls were also posting jobs for each other. So you’re not paying fees to some random third party who's not even doing it.  The hourly rates are pretty great so you don't have to, like walk around selling yourself the whole time, because you've already been paid up front which is pretty cool. Those parties often do involve shows as well, you could do shows if that's what they wanted. I found that a bit more uncomfortable at a party rather than a club just because I feel like they can get a bit more weird, and cross more boundaries during shows I felt. So yeah, I didn't do them that often at those events.

In what ways did the clients cross boundaries? How did you put your foot down, especially if you were alone or with someone else?

Mia: I think I've only done a couple of jobs alone and at first, I found it quite hard to put those boundaries down. I do want to disclaim that by saying - so there's a big thing so I might go on a tangent here. There's a big thing in….. I know in stripping and in WA particularly where they're like very much like, “we're not sex workers. We're dancers” and I'm like, you know, why are you drawing this arbitrary line? Your boundaries are your own but acting like all shocked and like disgusted that somebody would view you as a sex workers like it's shit and I hate that exists. Yeah so, I want to disclaim by saying me having my boundaries of those parties and stuff was only my personal choice and it's nothing against sex work, like full service sex work. Also the industry kind of punishes you for it. That's how I felt anyway, because they view full service sex work that way (so) if you're seen to be doing it, they don't want you in the network sort of thing. 

So yes sorry, boundaries. Guys would just try to do sneaky things like grab at your nipples or slap your ass. So the whole point of you being there or one of the biggest points of you being there is to serve drinks, you often like bending over into an esky and they’ll do the whole thing like, “oh bend over further”. You're like, yeah, cool - haven't heard that before. But then, while you're doing it, you'll get the occasional person trying to put their hands between your legs or whatever. So that can be quite confronting, and I think you just get this guard about you. Being very wary of where everybody is at all times.

I feel like that whorephobic mindset does happen within the industry as well. Dancers will say “oh you know but I’m not having sex with them” but you all still fall under the umbrella of sex work. It’s a double edged sword for everyone so there’s no point trying to pit themselves against each other. That’s a great point, as you said. 

Did you have many regular clients over the years? Did you build that clientele for yourself and what were those relationships like?

Mia: At the club, I definitely had a couple of regulars and they were kind of a mix. There was a couple who just regularly came in and danced, but there was no real depth to the relationship. But then there were two in particular who I developed a pretty good relationship with. One, I'll just call him Bob. We got to a point in trust where we’d swap numbers, so on quiet nights, I just text him and say, “hey, come have a drink with me.” So he'd come in, we'd have a drink, have a chat. He’d take me for a couple of dances. It was this kind of security in knowing that even if you had a quiet night, you wouldn't be paying out of pocket for the night in your house fees because you had at least one person coming in. So yeah, that was usually pretty cool and he was a genuinely lovely person. He'd never pushed the boundaries. Never tried to get more out of you - even to the point where he took my license to merits points once for me, because if I took the points, I would have lost my license and wouldn’t have been able to work so he took them for me. I had surgery as well so I couldn’t work for a while. So he said, “I'll take you out to dinner. Nothing funny. I won't try anything but I'll pay you for your time.” So yeah, that was really cool. He was a really nice guy and we should have really good chats and laughs - just a genuine, genuine human being.

There was another one who would come in and he had a couple of us that he really liked. He had a thing about getting four or five girls in to dance with him at once. I think he just liked being seen as a guy that could do that, but he was pretty nice - it sounds a bit wanky but he’s actually a really nice guy. I actually ran into him with my husband, I'm married now, and I ran into him with my husband at a bar a year ago and we all had a drink together. He’s so chill.

That’s nice! What moved you to dabble in full service sex work. I know you did it once or twice from our previous conversations. 

Mia: Essentially, it happened when I was in the US. I was trying to dance over there just while I was on a three month holiday and the rules are kind of weird, or in California anyway. Basically if there was nudity involved, there's no drinking. So you have a club where people are only dancing in bikinis and there is alcohol or if you're naked, there's people sitting around sipping coffee and tea, and it’s fucking weird haha! I was trying it out and I was staying with this guy I've known for years online, which is a whole other story but basically, he had a friend that was also working the clubs. She was like, “Oh, it's kind of hard to make money here but I'm going to Arizona to meet up with this millionaire that I go see every couple of months. Do you want to come with?” and I was like, Oh, this sounds like a human trafficking situation but sure, I'll come with. I think that now but back then I don’t think I thought anything of it. I just went with her. So yes, he paid for us to go over there and stay in this awesome spa hotel thing. She was like, “Look, you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with but if you want to do stuff with me, while he watches sort of thing, we can start out like that.” I said yeah sure. It just evolved from there. I didn't feel like I had to do anything, but I just got into it and wanted to. So that was one time.

About how it differs - I think I'm just very much like in the dancing space or the waitressing space, because there's these expectations that you're going to follow a particular set of rules, you're very much on your guard all the time and when people do cross the line and grope you or slap your butt or something….. for me, the anger comes from the client knowing this wasn't okay but they've done it anyway. Whereas when I was open to being touched and doing more, I wasn't getting upset because that was the way we all understood it to be so it was fine and I didn't have that guard up and I didn't get upset or anything. Putting it simply, the difference is consent.

Wow yes, that’s a very simple and clear way to put it. It’s understanding those different boundaries and consenting to being touched in a certain way. Did you date while you worked? Assuming you did, what was that experience like?

Mia: Yes, I always have. I’ll come back to this but I’ll mention briefly now that I actually met my husband while I was doing a job. I did date throughout it. While I was doing it, my first boyfriend was one of the guys that took me to the club originally that I'd asked to take me. We dated for a while and he was always really cool about it. Some nights he’d ask if I wanted him to come in and say hi and say yeah! He'd come in and the other girls really liked him because he was a nice guy and he'd be like, “Oh this girl keeps asking me if I can go for a dance with her. Do you mind? Should I say no…?” I’d say “No! Take three of ‘em! Your money, do what you want and I want the girls to make money.” He was super chill about everything. I've had others that pretended to be okay, but then occasionally they throw it back in your face. I had one guy just before I met my husband who one minute it would be like, “Oh, you're so brave. You're so interesting. This is amazing what you do” and then say, “No, I don't really want to be with you anymore. You're a piece of shit. You swim with human filth.” hah!

It’s really funny. Sometimes in general conversation people ask me, “oh how would you feel if your husband or your boyfriend or whoever went to a strip club?”. I say “Go! Just pay them properly please. Just pay them. Don’t sit there and do nothing. You better be taking out that cash, okay. Go have fun”

Mia: Go spend a lot and be respectful

Absolutely. That’s so sweet that you met your husband while working.

Mia: Basically, it was one of the waitressing jobs and it was one of his supervisor’s bachelor party. So there were about 20 girls throughout the night, it was a huge party. I had a rule for myself that I wouldn’t date anyone I met at work but the more I talked to him, the more I really liked him. So just before my shift, I asked if he was single and he said, yeah he was. So “okay I’m gonna give you my number now” and it went from there.

You gotta shoot your shot. Did you feel the industry evolved with the rise of social media?

Mia: It’s tricky for me to answer because I kept a super low profile on social media. I know a lot of people when it (social media) started getting bigger, made a Facebook page or an Insta page. So I never did that and I never had business cards, which is another big marketing especially in the freelance industry and private waitressing. I was quite paranoid about having my face out there so I just never did any of that and I've never really used social media in that way, personally, but I did notice that it helped a lot of people have that control of marketing their work themselves. For the freelance network as well over in WA, I think it really helped in creating it, because suddenly you didn't have to rely on agencies sending you to jobs and taking a cut of your money. It was this social network with the actual workers themselves sharing work with each other online, and sourcing, marketing themselves and everything.I think it made a huge difference to the industry overall. You definitely see that with only fans now as well. They have so much control over their own content and all that sort of thing.

Yeah, it’s definitely great that it brings a better sense of autonomy but then if you’re out there and your face is out there then it sacrifices your anonymity. Did your family know the work that you were doing or was that something you decided to openly talk to them about it?

Mia: They know but they found out and to this day, I really don’t know how. I’m pretty sure my step-brother came into the club and probably saw me and walked out again - I just got a phone call from my dad one day and then it went from there. So they did know because I knew I had two goals to do later on in my career after studying and I knew that I had to be careful with things that could come back and bite me.

I suppose this question ties into what you said earlier about how it got a lot more difficult to make money as the industry started becoming more saturated but did you operate from a mindset of scarcity or a mindset of abundance? I feel like that would change depending on the club you’re at and the people you work with. What was your experience?

Mia: Both at different times. If you put in the hours and the work, it wasn't as competitive to make money if you're working like four nights a week or whatever. My club back then was only open four nights a week. So you're able to put a bit away and then not really have that fear of,  “I can't make rent if I get sick.” So it wasn't really stressful back then and I didn't really worry about it too much, but you’ve always got that competitive vibe from some people. They’d walk into the change room and say, “I only made x tonight”. And you'd be like, cool - that's double what I made, and I don't want to talk about it haha! I never really did talk about it and I really did not like to compare either. There was a point where my mental health was pretty crap. So I knew that if there was a time where I couldn't afford to work for a couple of weeks, that was quite stressful. If I didn't have a little bit of savings behind me, then I felt like I had to go in no matter what, which then can impact your mental health even worse, and it’s a vicious cycle. So during those periods I operated from a mindset of, “I got to go to work and can't turn it down.” In the private waitressing work, I felt a bit more secure money wise, because I was just better at dealing with building rapport with customers rather than going out and selling myself with dances like you would at a club. Even though I didn't have business cards and stuff, I’d just give them my number and I’d tend to get more regular bookings through groups. It (private waitressing) was also just a bit more relaxing, you didn't have to go out and constantly harass people for money on it because we had an upfront booking and if they wanted to, extend your time, then they could.

Because you were studying while working, did you experience any difficulty transitioning out of dancing into corporate work or whatever it is you do?

Mia: I feel like I only got out because I moved overseas for a while. I found it hard to turn down the money - the shorter hours for the higher award is hard to turn down when you're trying to study and do other things. Moving overseas really helped that for me, just having a clean break. When I got back, and I was studying again, I did take a few more jobs because if you've got nothing on a Saturday night, and somebody is messaging you, “Do you want to come work for two hours and you can get a decent amount out of it?” You're like, “Yeah, why the hell wouldn’t I?” As I was getting older, and especially because the industry that I was studying to get into is quite conservative, I did start worrying about it lot more, about running into people. So I think that's mainly what got me to stop doing it.

I always like asking this question but do you have favourite moments that you look back on in a positive way?

Mia: Yeah! I made some pretty cool friends out of it which I still have. That’s always really nice

Were there any nights that were really shit? To put it simply, were there any nights that were really shit and how did you get out of that funk and get back into working?

Mia:  Okay, this is a funny story but it was also shit. I was in the club one night and somebody slapped my ass or l grabbed it really hard. Anyway it really hurt. He was this random guy and he was up against the bar and I turned around (and you shouldn't do this. I know, it's really stupid) but it was reflex. I grabbed his neck and had him up against the bar. Then I kind of realized what I was doing and that I was half this guy's size and I just let go and ran. Legged it to the change rooms. I was trying to chill myself out while feeling a bit shaken and shitty about it. The owner of the club and our boss comes in and he's like, “I'm here to find out who grabbed my mate” and then named the gang that this guy was a part of and continued, “I've been instructed to come out here and fire the girl that did that.” I started to cry and explained what had happened. He just laughed and said, “Look, you can't go around doing that shit. I'm not gonna fire you, obviously. But just be careful.” After that, I had to pull myself together and just go on with the night. I think what helped was the fact that he was just kind of laughing about it at that point. Um, yeah, he's kind of a scary guy.

Did you feel safe with the management that you were with?

Mia: When I began, the management was pretty good. and I had a friend come in one day and say “Oh, you work for x person.” And I replied, Yeah, he's like, “Do you know who they are?” He said to go home and Google them and I didn't feel that great about it after that. They were always really nice to me. I think I came across as a little bit naive, like “a good girl”. I know that there were girls that got involved in sharing drugs and what not and I was given very good advice to not get in a position where you feel like you owe them something. So I took that advice and kind of stayed quite aloof and away from that side of things. So most of the time, I did feel safe - they did really try and look out for you and it was definitely an environment where I know that some clubs if you complain about something a customer's doing, security doesn't really care that much and would rather the customer stays in there to spend the money than to help you out. The second you said anybody was even being mildly rude to you, that would get them out instantly. So I do feel very safe in that way and management was quite supportive in a lot of ways. 

Did you try to build a persona when you started working? Did you build a character for yourself or was it dependent on the client/situation you were dealing with?

Mia: I was quite myself a lot to point, just an amplified version of myself and definitely adapting somewhat depending on the room. With both the club work and waitressing, you learn to a room or group really quickly and adapt to what you think they’ll engage with best.

I guess it’s just a nuanced approach to whatever situation you’re in at that time. If there was something you could tell yourself when you were a baby stripper just starting out in the industry versus compared to what you know being a veteran; what advice would you give yourself?

Mia: Be better with your money. Save it - so you have something to show at the end of it. There were times that I was doing it because I literally couldn’t function in another job. Sometimes it was living week to week, sometimes you had quite a lot and I just wasn’t smart with it when I did have a lot. So I’d say definitely save and probably not get caught up in the image and beauty standards because it definitely shaped how I perceive myself a lot. I don’t think you can be in the industry for that long and not have it affect you somehow in the way you see yourself.

Can you tell me more about that? In what ways did it affect your sense of self and your body image?

Mia: Because everybody’s uber focused on every part of how they look - the normal beauty standards that women deal with amplify because now every part of your body is scrutinized. It made me quite self-conscious about different parts of my body that I never would have ever thought about before especially in the more recent years. There’s a big focus on getting injectables and surgeries - full disclosure, I did have a boob job, quite late in my stripping career. No regrets, love them! Overall, it definitely made me see myself as always having to be this performative version of looking perfect or looking sexy. To the extent where if I’m having sex I would worry about whether my angles are right… is my back arched..? The person you’re having sex with doesn’t give a shit about that and they don’t see what you think they’re worried about.

 Do you have anything specific to your experience that you’d like to talk about?

Mia: I’d like to touch on sexuall assault within the industry. I do want to talk about it but I’m also hesitant sometime sin putting too much focus on it because I know a lot of anti-sex wrok people love focusing on. “Oh you must be so traumatised! This industry is so traumatising. You’re putting yourself in this position where these things can happen to you.” The way they approach this conversation just seems so gross to me

It’s never really in a helpful way to protect sex workers

Mia:  I’d preface this by saying - the problem is not that the industry is inherently dangerous. It's that the way people perceive people IN the industry makes it dangerous because we feel like we won't be taken seriously. For a start, it makes men feel more entitled to commit sexual assault, because they know that it's not gonna be taken as seriously. So there's that. Then when you do try and report, or a lot of people just don't report, because they know they'll be basically laughed at or dismissed. I would hear stories time and time again of people having things happen to them and just not reporting it, and accepting it as “it just goes with the job”. No judgment on them not reporting, I completely understand why they wouldn't want to. It just sucks that that's how people feel. 

So there was a situation where a guy penetrated me, essentially. I didn't actually consider it as an option to report until my housemate was like, I was in the shower, and she was sitting outside the bathroom talking to me through the door, and she asked whether I wanted to go to the police. I said, “huh…. I guess that is a thing that people do.” So I did. I don't know why I felt like I couldn't. 

I got incredibly lucky and I know, I was incredibly lucky that I was taken seriously. I was able to ID the person because they gave me their business card like an idiot - I actually got a conviction over a year later, which is almost unheard of, especially in that context. 

Wow

Mia: I'd like to encourage people to report. When they do tell me these things happen at work and I say, “Look if you feel like, you can trash it” because it fucking sucks going through talking about it over and over and having people doubt you and say, “oh, what did you expect? You're standing naked in front of the person.” but you can get police that take it seriously. I think they are being trained now to be a little bit better about it, at least.

Absolutely. I remember having a conversation with someone and I was talking about the violence that happens within the industry and they said, “really? You can’t be raped as a sex worker”. I just found it so ridiculous. It just really shows the respectability politics that some people have and the misogyny that a lot of women in the industry, especially face. Hearing that you, first of all, had the courage to report it and then get a conviction, that’s such a huge win. I bet personally as well.

Mia: Yeah, it was definitely a positive outcome. It's funny you say that about, well it's not funny at all, how people say that, “what do you mean, you can get assaulted or raped as a sex worker?” The conversation actually came up at work of all things the other day, in my corporate life. There was a conversation about dances. This person overheard a dancer to tell somebody, “fuck off! Don't speak to me that way!” and they said, “Why do they think they can say that when they're putting themselves out there? Don't they expect this to happen?” and I really had to bite my tongue. It was thankfully a young man who actually said, “well, that's ridiculous. The person's consented to being looked at and not anything else. You can't say just because they're consenting to having somebody look at them in their lingerie that they're also consenting to everything under the sun. That's absolutely ridiculous.” It was really nice hearing that from a guy.

How do you think people can be having more productive conversations about people that are in the sex work industry and how they can be better allies to them?

Mia: Honestly, it depends on the people you’re talking to and the people you are trying to reach. There are some situations I’m happy to be quite open and ask people questions to try get them to think about why they have these assumptions. In other situations, there’s no point because it’s talking to a brick wall. Even in very intersectional spaces, there will still be some people that are dismissive or plain gross about the sex work industry. It’s an ingrained thing that will take time for people to unlearn. 

Coming back to what you said about your assault. If you feel comfortable, what was the process like when it came to reporting it to getting the conviction?

Mia: So basically immediately after it happened, I texted a colleague who booked the job for me and I texted my housemate who is also my best friend. Usually you can’t use texts, in WA law, as a form of evidence in many situations but in this case, you could. Because it was also immediately after, it was allowed. That helped a lot. When my housemate suggested we go to the police, I was there for about 5 hours. By the end of it, you’re just exhausted. I’m also super particular - they’d give me the statement they had written which is supposed to be my words and I'd read it and find things I didn’t say written down, described incorrectly so it took quite a while to get it right. The two male detectives were genuinely very lovely to begin with. Starting from the beginning, they were very reassuring, reminding me that I did the right thing. They also did some swabs and medical exams but I had showered so I didn’t feel there was a huge point to me. On that night, I also had to ID him from a bunch of photos in a grid - I’m guessing they got this from licenses etc. There was a follow up a week or two later when it was assigned to the Sexual Assault Unit and they did a pre-text call. Most times you can’t record a phone conversation without permission, it’s inadmissible, but in this situation, there was a loophole. We had to be very careful about how we did it, the police aren’t allowed to coach you on what to say. So I called him and asked whether he remembered me from the night and whether he remembered what happened. He said that he was very drunk and I replied that I remembered and was upset about it and wanted to talk about it. I went through what he did and he continued saying he didn’t remember doing it and was sorry if he did it. I didn’t think it would be good enough but apparently, it was. I think that conversation together with the text messages was pretty good evidence apparently. It was over a year later when it finally went to court. He wanted to plead down and say he just touched me but didn’t actually penetrate me because it would be a vastly different charge if he said he did. So it dragged out to court. It’s hard because after all that time, you feel like you’ve finally moved on but no, now we have to prep you for court and being cross-examined. The defense attorney who was defending him was tis smug asshole who tried to trip me up on really dumb stuff but I didn’t let him. If they ask you a yes or no question, I’d say well actually…. and answer however I wanted to. So I was able to communicate exactly how I wanted. I guess I got the message across and got lucky with a good jury too but hey, I got a good outcome. 

I’m glad that you were able to get that conviction, really.

Mia: There’s something that always gets to be so I also wanted to bring it up here. When people talk about sex work as being empowering… I get mildly annoyed by it because why do we have to talk about it in that way for it to be respected or valid? It’s just a fucking job. Are you empowered sitting in your office tapping away on your computer? No, most people hate their jobs. We can have shit parts of our jobs and it’s still okay to be doing that job.

Yup, 100%. In my previous interview, I spoke to a dancer named Aria and mentioned that at the start, you are trying to convince yourself and convince the people you’re telling in your life that YEAH! This is empowering and great or whatever but after a while you understand that it’s just another job. There’s no need for it to be this gradieur empowering thing for people to take you seriously and for you to feel like you need to have rights, be protected, and feel safe in the work you do. You don’t have to enjoy it 24/7. Even in the work that anyone else does, there are going to be times where you’re going to complain about it and it’s going to feel like shit. Some nights are great and some nights are not. That’s a great point to bring up.

Mia: I definitely felt like that. I remember a friend saying how she tried to make everything into this big feminist statement syaing this work is empowering and it’s a feminist stance but it really didn’t need to be. It just is work and that’s fine.

Fin.

[malaysian-rants]

In Conversation: Malaysian Strippers in Melbourne

In Malaysia, most sex workers are still referred to as “prostitutes” - women that sell sex for payment, a derogatory slur. The definition perpetuates a very narrow vision of sex work for our population. That, combined with the religious underpinnings of many of our laws, criminalizes most forms of sex work and in turn endangers the livelihood of sex workers throughout the country. Many conflate sex work with sex trade/human trafficking but whilst many people that are trafficked are wrongfully subjected to rape and sexual abuse, it is important to not mix a sex worker that has agency versus someone that is being trafficked. Strip clubs/Gentlemen’s clubs are popular destinations across Australia and are not illegal as opposed to Malaysia. I had the pleasure to chat with Kenji and Aria, both Malaysian born and raised, who are or were strippers in the Melbourne industry. 

Disclaimer: To protect their identities, the dancers are referred by their aliases and also the reason why this interview was transcribed into a piece of writing instead of a voice recording!

Thank you so much for joining me today, ladies. Let’s dive straight in. How did you both come into the industry and why?

Aria: I love telling this story because it clearly encapsulates how naive I was! I was an international student pursuing my undergraduate degree in Melbourne - it’s a privilege to be able to study abroad but it also comes with a lot of financial strain if you don’t come from the RICH rich section of Malaysian society. I wanted to do more than just the typical go-to-class, study, and done regime.  But applying for a job in Australia when you’re fresh out of college and don’t have any credentials, is so difficult. It’s already difficult enough to get a job when you’re qualified so you can imagine the struggle with not much. A friend recommended trying a search for nightclubs that needed podium go-go dancers. I thought, “hell yeah! I love dancing and I think I’m pretty good at it so might as well get paid!”. I went through different job sites and found something on Gumtree, that should’ve been my first indication of dodginess but hey, I didn’t know better. So I scored an interview with what I thought was a night club which turned out to be a gentlemen’s club - a guy friend pointed it out to me when I told him about the interview and where it was! I tossed about whether to go or not but ended up doing it. I wanted to be able to save money and invest in myself so this was a way for me to do just that. 

Kenji: I was studying too. I had a slight idea of what the industry was like having met a dancer through one of my friends beforehand. For me, it was kind of like curiosity killed the cat. I’ve always been attracted to the strip club scene but never had the balls because of how taboo it was or is. On my birthday, I did my first audition. I was fortunate enough that I knew someone that was familiar with the industry - so he pointed me towards the more reputable clubs in the city. I did my thing and there were a few other dancers auditioning - they felt pretty stern and unfriendly but having been in the industry myself now, I understand why they weren’t too warm to new dancers because the more dancers there are the more competitive it becomes, on a broader scale. My audition happened during club hours - didn’t get the part because at the time they were looking for girls that could do pole tricks BUT I got tipped which was a nice birthday gift. King street was notorious for being the hub for strip clubs so unknowingly, my best friend and I stumbled across another club. We got in for free at this other club because we were girls. We went straight to the manager and asked about jobs there so we were kind of scouting and wanted to get a dance from one of the girls there to get a better grasp of what it was like. She to this day is still the BEST hustler and dancer in my eyes. She approached us and worked her magic - experiencing this and getting to work with her later on I will always be in awe of how she hustled us. Many that approached us were standoff-ish after they found out we wanted to be dancers but she wasn’t. I ended up applying to that club a few months later and started working. One of my parents fell sick and filed for bankruptcy a few months after I started working so it worked in my favour because I had this as a source of income to support myself while at uni.

What was it like for both of you starting out? Did you have a friend to hold your hands through the initial few months or did you have to hit the ground running and how did it evolve?

Kenji: I’ve definitely got a broader network of sex workers; dancers, escorts, and even pornstars and it’s completely different from when I started out. Like I said before, I had a friend who was familiar with the industry so he was able to answer any queries I had. I remember him telling me, “oh you’ve really come out of your shell” and to an extent, I had, but in saying that, when I’m stripping I’ve got a whole persona going for me. I’ve noticed that with a lot of girls, they have a facade almost. The more full-time you do it, the more you embody that persona. Then the less you do it, especially now with COVID, so many girls in the sex industry speak out about how they feel like they’ve lost their sense of their identity.

Aria: You know I definitely think the loss of identity also spreads across the board of people that have lost their jobs due to redundancies. The sex work industry definitely suffers more because we don’t have a lot of spaces to openly talk about it. I’m no longer a stripper but I feel for my sex workers across the board. But to answer your question, I started in the industry not knowing anyone - it can be quite isolating. I quickly made friends with girls that auditioned the same time I did. We had a rule in the club that newbies had to work every Tuesday night for the 1st 3 months - it was poker night, also very dead but great to practice getting comfortable with the pole and patrons. I think becoming a sex worker really dispelled a lot of the internalized myths, especially when people say that it was/is easy. It’s something that gets signaled through language, through media when you’re growing up that sex workers choose this line of work because it’s easy but if they only knew the sheer amount of work it takes to be a successful one! You need to act, it’s a business, and it’s also a lot of rapport building whether that’s with clients or your fellow strippers. Sex work also opened another door into the hospitality industry for me and it served as a wonderful stepping stone into different work that probably fit better with my schedule.

Kenji: Yes! Dancers can come off as standoff-ish sometimes but I know it’s just a wall to protect themselves from all the bullshit they go through day in day out. 

I know the clubs have different touching and no-touching policies. Can you both tell me about how you navigated those boundaries with different patrons?

Aria: Those boundaries were definitely something I learnt about the stripper world, I guess. There are rules and like any workplace, some people think it fit to bend those rules and blur the lines. It’s frustrating because it skews shit for other dancers because then you get the clients that say, “oh but X did this for me and it was fine” Well I’m not them!

Kenji: Exactly! Every strip club has its politics like every other workplace. Stripping can be seen as teasing. “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you go for dinner”. It’s built for these corporate men who have wives at home. I was working at one of the two non-touching clubs in Victoria. I can’t speak for the whole of Australia but it seems like most clubs have a waist and above policy. It would be annoying whenever we’d get clients that kept insisting for more. You’re probably at the wrong club if that’s what you’re after. You came in, there’s a certain set of rules, we don’t want to be touched, none of the girls want that but too often we’re faced with a rebuttal insinuating that another dancer in the club would allow it. When asked who it is, so we can do justice and tell management, often it’s a sham or they’d be ridden with fear. I have seen it happen once or twice but the girls never seem to last many shifts. Some clubs are stricter than others; though it’s difficult to police and check even with all the security cameras because it’s dark and the weekends get pretty busy.

So no touching meaning they can’t touch you at all or are there some exceptions?

Kenji: We call it control touching. So you can sit on them, you can’t grind on their privates. They can have their hands on your waist but not too low. 

How did you make the distinction on who to disclose your sex work to? Do you wish you could have been more open about it?

Kenji: It’s something that I’m proud of but secretly proud of. There’s that conflict in my head because it’s not something that’s widely accepted but it’s a great way to filter out those whose values don’t align. People’s views on sex work are a huge prerequisite to whether I can hold space for them in my life or not. I’ve told a few people from home, and there are a few people I regret telling because it’s so easy to slip and that can have a ripple effect. I’ve got a handful of people from home that share this secret, my sister included. It’s a lot easier telling the people I meet in Melbourne being foreign. Dating is a lot easier when you lay out the facts from the get-go - if you can’t take the heat you gotta leave the kitchen!

Aria: It’s so important to be upfront about it. When I started, I told a few friends who I knew wouldn’t react badly to it, all they cared about was my safety. The men I dated in Melbourne were mostly so lovely. Their responses were like “Yas, get that bread!!” It was nice and unexpected. Funnily enough, it was the opposite when I went back to KL and dated during the holidays. I wasn’t dancing anymore at that time but for me, my partner’s views on sex work were important for me to understand their own whorephobia. So I had a great date with this guy and the next day I told him about my previous sex work - he flipped. He said, “how can you be someone that wants to practice feminist values, someone that wants to empower women, and then you do this?!?!”. Sometimes, you have to protect your peace and walk away but I was feeling up to the emotional labour that day. Sometimes, you just have to respond with a little empathy because he grew up with a lot of conservative/puritanical values. So I explained everything to him and unpacked his skewed perceptions and biases; it took him a day to process but hey, now we’ve been dating for almost 4 years. Being a sex worker is part of me and will always be. It’s nice to see people capable of changing their mindset when they get the chance to and when they matter enough to you for you to put in the effort.

Safety is one of the most common things people have concerns about. How did you personally manage your own safety? Whether that's you know, maintaining your anonymity, maintaining safety from clients outside the club, and working late hours?

Kenji: Kenji is my alter ego. Keeping your identity separate definitely helps. With regulars, some have my number but it’s a lot easier to give out your strippergram if you have one. It’s a great way to stay anonymous considering I don’t have my face on there. With physical safety, we’re not allowed to leave with any clients and we’ve got backdoors if we wanna leave unseen. The guards are lovely enough to escort you to your car or uber if they’re not busy breaking a fight or tossing someone out of the club!

Aria: Sometimes, you also just leave with friends and you grab a bite after. Those are some of my best memories after work. It’s 5 am and you go for a quick Maccas run or burger run with the girls.

Kenji: Yes! The guards are your best friends when it comes to safety. They’re big teddy bears to us but vicious to patrons and those who disrespect us. All I have to do is tell a guard someone’s harassing me in order for them to send them out. The night I found out my dad fell sick, I still had to go to work after bawling my eyes out. I went to work at 9 pm and the shift lasted till 7 am. My phone died whilst I was trying to book an Uber so I asked the Head of Security to help hail me a cab. He asked how far away I lived, and it was barely a 5-minute drive so he took his own car and drove me home mid-shift. It’s comforting to know that we’re being looked after.

Aria: I did a lot of half an hour walks back home in the wee hours of the morning. Not the safest, I know but I honestly was at the point where booking an Uber was an expense I didn’t need. I would dress up in baggy clothes and have a large hoodie to protect my safety and you couldn’t tell I was a woman.

Kenji before we started the interview, you briefly mentioned grappling with your sense of identity. Can you delve a little further into this?

Kenji: This club has been my home club for over three years now and that overlaps with the years that I’ve spent in this foreign city. I had a little more of an ambiguous accent back then and it was fun at first but the question “where you from?” grew old. I’d mix it up, play around with my accent, or make them guess and pretend they’d get it right on the first go. These guesses are usually telling of what they want you to be. Further, into my Melbourne journey, it was a lot easier to speak in an Australian accent to cut the story short. This was sometimes confusing to my peers and whoever was close to me. The versatility I have coming from a multiracial country is usually an advantage because of the ability to mirror whoever I speak to but that too can be hard on me especially when I’ve been away from home for a while and it’s difficult to distinguish what home is. That and the persona you adopt in the club because I can be quite the introvert outside of work. I’ve always been an openly sexual person so being in Malaysia definitely hindered me from being my authentic self. It’s suppressing being there in the way I dress, speak, and carry myself. As Aria said, it’s been a part of your life and it will always be there and I completely agree. The best piece of advice I got was that this is a transition, not a destination and I always felt that. You can definitely become a successful full-time stripper and retire with stripper savings but I am studying and I believe that this experience will only supplement what I choose to do in the future!

Aria: That’s definitely relatable. When you’re a dancer, you have to come up with your dancer name and like Kenji said it becomes your persona or alter ego. You have to create a whole character with that and it feeds into how you dress, what your stage performances are like - I feel like my time dancing was a time for me to explore parts of myself I didn't get to, back home in Malaysia. At home, it was always "that's too much" "that's too revealing"....... through stripping, I became so comfortable in my body. The club I worked at had mirrors surrounding the stage and when you turned on the pole, you could see every nook & cranny of your body. If you didn't like what you saw, then you really couldn't expect your clients to buy into your persona - at least I couldn't. So it was almost like I had to fall in love with myself and the character I portrayed. One day I remember thinking "wow, I'm everything.” When you feel that way then people that see you feel similarly when they see you too.

That’s fascinating - so much internal growth. How did you both come up with your names?

Kenji: I always wanted the name KAYA but another girl at the club beat me to it and had it spelled differently. I wanted KAYA because being Malaysian it meant, you know, something sweet, a coconut buttery spread, good ol' Malaysian; it also means rich, and that's exactly what I want to be as a dancer - but of course no one else would know what it meant. Funny thing though, after that I ended up looking up Asian baby girl names because I wanted to market my Asian-ness. "FETISHIZE ME! As long as I'm profiting from it, but don't fetishize me outside of work, that'll piss me off”. The more exotic I was to them, the better. It’s honestly not ideal and I wouldn’t accept it outside of the strip club. Patrons would come up to me and say something like, “My friend likes Asians, do you want to talk to him? I’ll buy him a dance” and I’ll say of course, but in real life, if I were to experience that in a nightclub or a bar setting, fuck no. I will not stand for it.

Aria: Yeah, how do you balance that? I chose Aria randomly actually. With the name though, I realised quickly it was also really racially ambiguous which really mimicked my world outside of work. My name wasn’t a typical Indian name so I’d always get the “Are you Chindian?” or “Are you Eurasian” growing up. And again, you can’t really tell Aria is a brown person’s name, it almost plays into the mystery. Growing up I never felt Indian enough and at the same time didn’t feel Malaysian enough - now I realise that’s absolutely bullshit but we conflate nationality, ethnicity, and culture too often. Outside of dancing, I don’t enjoy it when people fetishize South Asian women and reduce us to just qualities instead of a whole person. 

Kenji: I feel that. The more a guy fetishizes me at work, the more of an incentive it is to milk him for it! 

Aria: Its powerplay. Who has the power in that moment? It’s up to us to make sure the men believe they do. In the moment though, I am, in fact, profiting from his desires.

Kenji: This is true. One guy pulled the slanted eye gesture and I was quick to walk away from that client. I told the guards about him and this man was apparently being a nuisance to other girls too so it didn’t take long before he was chucked out of the club. Always feels so liberating when that happens. During my baby stripper days, I was naive and genuinely thought I was only selling dances but got to learn that the whole marketing scheme was pivoted around a man’s libido. I understand that now and it’s important to find those boundaries and not let it consume me inside and outside of work.

What are some of the biggest misconceptions of what it’s like to be a stripper?

Kenji: That all strippers are loaded. We all have bills to pay so it’s not like we can dance for free and it’s actually ludicrous the number of times we get asked to do a free dance for whatever reason as if we’re partying with them and not working laborious hours in 6-8 inch heels.

Aria: Another one is that we’re all very sexual just because we’re sex workers.

Kenji: Yes!! We’re sexually open but I think that makes us more protective of whose energies we allow into our personal space.

Aria: When I was dating, I had to weed out the men that only saw me as a sex object. Sex work is my work. Outside of that, I’m not always trying to have sex! I’m a whole person with other interests too. Just like you.

Do you have any favourite clients or stories about them?

Kenji: I love foot fetish guys! They don’t make you dance or anything, they just want to admire your feet. It’s an absolute blessing to have a break in the night where you can put your feet up, literally, and have your feet rubbed and not to mention get paid for it!

Aria: Oh who doesn’t love the simpler clients! My favourite client definitely had to be someone that booked me for 3 hours to just sit and talk. So a regular of one of my good friends at work, let’s call her Lila, walks into the club. He already booked Lila out for the remainder of the night but also had a friend with him and asked her to find a girl to keep his friend company. So she pulled me to the side to see if I was free. That’s where, you know, it’s so important to build good rapport amongst other workers because they can also bring clients and good business to you. It was the best because all this guy wanted to do with me was talk! Lila was fully naked enjoying her time with her person and in my head, I was down to do the same for mine but he turned to me and said, “could you just maybe keep your clothes on and we just talk instead?” so hell yeah! We made great conversation and went on the most interesting tangents - anxiety, his addiction to cocaine and how it fuelled his anxiety which he tried to subside through masturbating to pornography, his struggle dating because most milked him for his wealth.

Kenji: Yes! Completely forgot about those kinds of clients as they’re a lot rarer these days. Some men, typically older and more established tend to just want a chat and have a good time. These men are the best because you can drop your guard and essentially have a break from your usual stripper act. International clients with experience in foreign clubs often come in and you can observe the differences in stripper culture, typically American or European club etiquette... So you have to learn to be assertive of your boundaries and the rules at your club because they come in with their own preconceived rules; especially if you’re in a non-touching club vs a touching club. Clubs have their own set of rules, some have table bookings, some have tipping dollars, some make it compulsory to tip if you’re seated around the stage.

Final thoughts and final words for the people?

Kenji: To anyone that wants to join the sex industry, do your research. It’s so important. It will definitely have an impact on your life. I’ve definitely grown to love my naked body more from this experience. You can say I’m vagina positive - I’m a huge advocate for vagina lovin’, no pun intended. I’ve come a long way from being ashamed of it to be able to recognize that there are so many different types of vaginas and that they’re all beautiful; whatever shape, size, or colour.  Anyway, it’s good to know what you’re going up against. For both myself and Aria, it seems like we dove head in. I think it’s done more positive than it has negative for us personally. But many girls do lose themselves in the process, some really hurt themselves because it’s a tough job. Know how to protect yourself while you’re in the industry. Some girls get stuck and don’t know which way is out and it’s difficult when there’s a huge gap in your resume. I feel similarly but I know it’s a means to support myself whilst studying and it’s important to keep a goal in mind and stick to it.

Aria: Sex workers are all different and multi-dimensional, like any other workplace and community. We’re such a diverse background of people. There’s the perception that there’s just one type of person that goes into dancing or goes into sex work, but in reality, people come from various backgrounds. Whether it’s a lifestyle, whether it’s survival work, whether it’s a side hustle; we all deserve respect. To decriminalise sex work and reach a point of respectability, it’s not just us who need to speak out. Clients and patrons need to also try to be unashamed about buying sex or seeing sex workers. People that date sex workers need to call out whorephobia within their circles and address it. Pay for your porn when you have the means to, don’t ask for discounts from sex workers. Respect the work.

It was so lovely to listen to both of their stories. Both Aria and Kenji both talked about how being sex workers pushed them to come out of their shells. Kenji had friends that complimented her newfound assertiveness and Aria personally became a lot more comfortable with her skin suit/ her body. I hope if you’ve made it this far into this piece of writing and conversation that you learnt a new perspective. This isn’t just a story about two sex workers, it’s also a story of two women of colour who are students in a foreign country.

[malaysian-rants]

so what do we REALLY think of Sex Work?

If there’s one thing quarantine in Melbourne’s lockdown has brought me, it is the endless curiosity to understand our thoughts and unpack them. So at least once a week, I do a poll on my Instagram page feed into my nosiness and see what thoughts people around me have on different topics - exploring our stances on our mortality to orgasms to parenthood. Last week, I decided to understand where people placed themselves in regards to sex work and BOY, did the whorephobia jump out!!!!

“ Whorephobia can be defined as the fear or the hate of sex workers. Sex workers like me would argue that it also embraces paternalistic attitudes that deem us a public nuisance, spreaders of disease, offenders against decency or unskilled victims who don't know what is good for them and who need to be rescued.” - Thierry Schaffauser

Let’s rewind a little bit though. The people that responded to the poll were mostly friends from Malaysia and Australia. Malaysia being where I grew up and Australia where I’ve spent some of the most telling years of my young adulthood. Growing up, we have stignamised ideas of sex work, a very narrow-minded understanding of the various FORMS of sex work, and an even more warped perception of WHY people choose Sex Work (SW). The word of the day is choice - the agency to choose sex work. All the choices are worthy of our respect. In Malaysia, most view sex work in a very derogatory sense. We, unforunately, perceive sex workers as dirty, unsafe, in need of rescuing - saviour complexes, or an easy getaway card out of “real” work. It’s funny the amount of times teenage/young adult women will say, “should we just drop out and become strippers? hahahah” as if the sex work industry doesn’t involve immense skill and tact that is not necessarily a natural skill; it has to be learnt - like many of the skills a lot of us use in our jobs. Coming to Australia, the perception shifts. Some forms of sex work are decriminalised which create safer working conditions for SWs. It’s not perfect though, there still lies a lot of racism within the sex work industry especially against Indigenous SWs and there is still stigma in presenting as a sex worker in public situations.

SO LET’S SKIP AHEAD TO MY QUESTIONS AND DEBUNK SOME OF PEOPLE’S PERCEPTIONS ABOUT SEX WORK!

Question #1 Are Strippers Considered Sex Workers?

46% answered YES and 54% answered NO. *drumroll please* The answer is YES! Strippers/Dancers do fall under the umbrella of sex work. 

Let’s take a brief dive into this. SEX WORK actually an umbrella term coined by SW activist Carol Leigh to create an alliance between the marginalised groups of work & to counter the whorephobic second-wave feminism's derogatory terms.This term also helps to combat "lateral whorephobia" - another useful term to remember. SEX WORK as a term helps to unite a diverse range of workers. It combats strippers/dancers from saying "well at least I'm not a whore", cam girls from saying "at least we don't f*ck our clients", pornstars from calling escorts dirty - because ALL ARE SEX WORKERS. It takes away the stigma that people WITHIN the industry put onto different types of work - whorearchy as SWs call it! There are so many types of work that fall under the umbrella of sex work, a few to name being - strippers, dancers, cam girls, phone sex operators, pornstars, sugarbabies, people that work in brothels, pro-DOMMES, pro-SUBs, escorts, online workers, street workers, and the list goes on.....

(to flag: the next few stats may be inaccurate as more than half of the people that did this DID NOT PERCEIVE STRIPPERS AS SEX WORKERS - which may/may not change the future questions’ answers)

Question #2 Do You Know A Sex Worker Personally?

43% answered YES and 57% answered NO

Question #3 Should We Decriminalise Sex Work?

Around 75% answered YES and 25% answered NO. The real answer is YES! We 100% need to be decriminalising sex work and working towards unlearning our biases surrounding SW and sex workers.

Question #4 What Are Our Ideas of What Sex Work Involves?

“prostitution, escort services, massage services with happy endings, bartering”

“stripping, escorting, phone sex operating, sexting services, online entertainment”

“paid services for cash” 

“using your body as entertainment for another’s pleasure/enjoyment”

“people that sell any form of body pics (eg nudes) to escorts”

“exchanging sexual activites for something eg. cash, benefits”

“anything that involves direct touching from both parties” “lap dances”

“consensual services provided by adults”

Now.... there were HEAPS of people that replied with prostitution. Now that’s the first word to DELETE from your vocabulary. Sex workers don’t appreciate when people call them this. Below are more helpful ways to refer to SWs

Question #5 What Are Your Opinions of Sex Work?

“if you’re that comfortable in your body and feel safe at work then all the power to you”

“it needs to be acknowledged as an actual industry” “it’s work and should be protected and provided benefits as all jobs receive”

“I’m here for all women getting their coin! why it’s a taboo, I will never understand”

Sex work is Work. 100%, scream it from the rooftops! Here’s a response that I think is quite commonly held across the board.

“It depends on why they’re (sex workers) doing it. If they want to then YAS if they have to/no other options then :(” At the end of the day, whatever reason people go into sex work - we must give them ALL THE RESPECT and continue to advocate for safer working conditions to prevent exploitation,abuse and assault. There are a multitude of reasons why people go into sex work:

It’s a side job to earn more income

It's survival work

Sex workers also play a HUGE role in disability support. Having access to sex work services can assist with building self-esteem and give people with disability a greater degree of autonomy in being able to fulfil their desires independently.

Our work structures (because of capitalism) are INHERENTLY ABLEIST - people with chronic illnesses and disabilities that need FLEX work seek out SW as an option 

Question #6 Would You Date Someone That is Currently A Sex Workers?

It was a clean 50/50 split and THIS is truly where the internalised whorephobia jumped out because look at the next answers

Question #7 Would You Date Someone That Was Previously A Sex Worker?

82% answered YES whilst 18% answered NO. Here are some of the reasons why people answered NO for either of the questions and let’s debunk some of these!

MYTH #1 - “Cause I believe in monogamy” You can still be monogamous and date a sex worker. Way back when, monogamy was described as one person for LIFE and nowadays it’s evolved to one person at a time. This where the distinction that sex work is WORK becomes important. Sex workers are working when they interact with their clients/members in whatever form. 

MYTH #2 - “I’m a selfish boyfriend” This isn’t really a myth per say but it’s a popular line of thought. It interesting that we internally perceive our partners as ours/our property/someone we have onus over. I loved the honesty in this answer because like they say, it’s selfish. So yeah some people see dating a sew workers as “sharing” - as if SWs were engaging in the same capacity to their partners as they were to their clients. Well fam, I’m here to tell you that sex workers can make that distinction and if anything, are BETTER at establishing boundaries than the most of us. 

MYTH #3 - “I just think I wouldn’t feel safe having sex with them” This rhetoric only continues the damaging narratives that are projected onto sex workers which perpetuated the stigmatisation and discrimination sex-workers receive on the daily. Take a step back and unpack why you feel this way. What about sex workers do you perceive as dirty? In regions where sex work is decriminalised and destigmatised, workers have safe access to medical check-ups which means they’re probably getting tested more often than your average joe!

MYTH #4 - “I would feel less experienced (sexually) which would make me less comfortable” this.... well, is pretty common and stems from our own personal insecurities. some of us have felt this way REGARDLESS of whether our partner is a sex worker. It’s important to note that not all SWs work in the same way - some forms of sex work don’t require you to be physically present with another human, some just require a lot of imagination, creative and emotional intelligence ie phone sex operators.

So that’s all the questions! 

I’ve decided to start a #SexWorkSeptember series to talk about sex work across the globe to probe more open conversations!

Here a some phrases that are WHOREPHOBIC and we’ll unpack them in the coming weeks!

“I respect them and power to them but personally.... I couldn’t cause I have principles and morals ya know”

“I just couldn’t date someone that’s a sex worker :/”

“It’s alright if my friends and peers do it but oh no my mother/sister/niece/aunt could never! no that’s not okay!”

A final thing to remember is that sex work IS NOT easy nor the easy way out! Sex work can be difficult. Sex work requires marketing skills, assertiveness, confidence and a sales-like hustle. It’s as easy and difficult as your own jobs!

Over and out,

Lama :)

[malaysian-rants]

when he first touched me, I was 6 - pt.1

this was a story submission to me.

trigger warning: child sexual abuse

“it was your average night. our family was very communal so other than my immediate family, my mother’s brother (my uncle & his family) stayed with us too. his two daughters and I used to share a room. one weekend, I decided to sleep in the living room because we had visitors. I slept on my stomach generally so my head faced downwards towards my pillow. For a long time, I kept thinking it was a dream in denial of what happened. As I was trying to sleep, I felt someone move my blanket away from my back and lift up my loose shirt. I felt too paralyzed to move and kept my eyes closed. Just imagine the mouth and cheek of a stubbly man grazing along your back; that’s what it was. I flinched in hopes it would stop there, it did stop. I remember shutting my eyes so hard and praying and praying to go to sleep straight away; that probably tired me out so I must have fallen asleep soon after it stopped and I heard footsteps fade. There was only one person in the house that constantly had facial hair.

when he first touched me, I was 6. It happened again when I was 15. 

this time just like before, he probably thought I was asleep. I felt fingers brush aside my shorts and stuck up me. I was terrified, paralyzed again. It stung, and the trauma from the pain.... I held with me for years after that. I moved my leg in attempts to ‘pretend switching sleeping positions’ and he immediately withdrew his fingers then left the room. This time I was older and I knew what had happened was abuse and a violation. I did end up telling my parents because the week after it happened it felt like my insides were eating me inside out. I had to tell someone. My mother had a breakdown when she found out, I think my dad hit my uncle. There was a period of silence at home for about a week but somehow we migrated back to a sense of normalcy. 

Now my uncle still lives with us. We all act like nothing happened.”

[malaysian-rants]

Blackface, Watsons and Colourism.

Selamat pagi dan Salam sejahtera. I am back from the dead because there seems to be a positive correlation between me starting to write again and how stressed I am about exams.

So as most of us know, Watsons posted their Raya ad on the 7th of June depicting the legend of Dayang Senandong, the story of a prince who fell in love with a girl for her inner beauty and her melodious voice. The 1965 film depicts the story of a princess who was born with black skin and would only be “restored” of her white skin if she were to abandon all ties of being royal. okay la okay la, sounds fine...... nope

The issue lies in black being seen as the outer beauty that was flawed in Dayang Senandong. It lies in saying “cursed with black skin”.and how the idea of “beauty” is tied to whiteness. It mostly lies in the fact that racism and colourism are old problems that some people think don’t exist anymore and thus should not bother us or think we’re snowflakes for believing that it is still well and truly alive. 

The comments following the post of the video were both of anger and nonchalance. Anger from those who were able to understand how it is harmful. Nonchalance from those who lack empathy and sensitivity and callously dismiss the implications of the video for humour.

THAT SHIT AIN’T FUNNY THO.

Tell me what dark skinned/brown girls would think of themselves when they watch that? Tell me why we still sell skin whitening and skin bleaching products? Tell me why fair is lovely? Why are countless of the skin product ads in Malaysia about becoming fairer? It is because we put the power of beauty to the ones with lighter skin.

So whilst Watsons’ apology statement is appreciated, they have chosen to glaze over the blackface (Kat Blaque does a great explanation of this and it’s implications) Like every other apology from a big company, they never actually point out the details of their actual mistake. Talk about the racism and colourism of the old legend. Talk about the blackface. Legends and folklore may offer timeless and universal themes; they may give us insight into other times and places; They mostly help us to see how much humankind had and has in common. and right now, I am reminded how the strength of racism and colourism still have not wavered. Just because something is tradition does not make it right. Just because something has been this way for a long time does not mean we should allow ourselves to continue to perpetuate harmful stigmas by sitting back in ignorance to it.

I have nothing more to say other than I am glad people spoke up about this. 

Let our voices be heard. Let us make a point to not let messages of discrimination slide under our noses. For my sisters of colour, I love you.

Till next time. 

With lots of love and wine,

Lama.

[sodhya-deactivated20181218]

South Asian women against colorsim South Asian women for transgender rights South Asian women against domestic violence South Asian women at the Women’s March South Asian women against violence South Asian Women against rape South Asian women for #BlackLivesMatter South Asian women against Social Injustice South Asian women for LGBTQ rights

Happy #InternationalWomensDay !

[malaysian-rants]

Let Us Not Forget

I am absolutely heart-broken and devastated by the news of the Orlando shooting. Society politicises everything the LGBT community do but at the very least the media does not acknowledge that this act of domestic terrorism was very much political. They refuse to acknowledge that this was an act that stemmed from homophobia because then they'd have to face that they share something in common with a mass murderer. The same homophobia and transphobia that is continuously spewed by the state and ghastly politicians. They refuse to acknowledge that even till this day and age, gay people gathering to celebrate themselves, their freedom, and their love is a courageous political act in itself.

Let us not forget that this occurred on a gay Latinx night at Pulse. Let us not erase their identities saying that their sexuality did not define who they were because that only dismisses the problem at hand. I want change. I am tired of fake solidarity from political leaders; where is your actual legal and systemic change? Prime Minister Modi will send his thoughts and prayers to the families affected by the shooting but maybe an actual step that proves his solidarity would be to decriminalise homosexuality in India. Maybe blood banks should lift their bans on gay donors. Maybe a ban on guns in America would stop the gun violence (I assumed after the 200+ shootings just this year something would finally click, I guess not) yes, prayers and thoughts are comforting for some but I'm not having that from individuals that have the power to change laws.

There is so much more I want to say but cannot articulate. I am sick of the hatred and I will continue to fight for that change

[malaysian-rants]

a little about Body Positivity and Colourism in the Desi Community

You know what breaks my heart? Having my little cousins tell me

“Didi, I wish my skin was lighter like yours”

because every time I look at them I am enthralled by their beauty and the way their melanin constantly glows but it’s been so engraved into their minds that being dark-skinned is ugly.

When I think about the colourism that’s so prevalent within the Desi community, I think about my little cousins and little-me. I think about the ‘little-me’ that used to slab Fair and Lovely cream onto her face in hopes that she’d become fairer when she didn’t want to compromise her love for sports and the outdoors but was constantly reminded that becoming darker meant losing her beauty. I wish ‘little-me’ knew how radiant her feisty self was and the colour of her skin could not dictate that. 

With being body positive comes being accepting of body hair. Not your damn westerncentric coloured armpit hair, I mean DESI women with big sideburns and or little staches that start growing back a day after a threading/waxing session. Being body positive, it means loving hairy desi men, loving unibrows, not finding dark leg/arm hair on desi women disgusting. It’s loving the facial hair on desi women and not seeing them as revolting. The desi community can be so anti-black that even when dark women have dark armpits which is completely natural, there are people making fun of her. It’s completely okay to have a preference to wax or thread but that gives you no right to ridicule people who choose otherwise. People of colour are born and wake up everyday with our non-eurocentric features (that we should be proud of you and LOVE DEEPLY) but instead are continuously told by the media and our fellow PoC with their internalised racism that those features are ugly or desirable. It used to hurt when people would make fun of my larger nose and my grandmother would pinch it when I was younger in hope that it would shape itself to be sharper. It took a long period of unlearning and deprogramming myself to see my south asian features as beautiful. 

Now, I could not be prouder of my features. I could not be more in love with my thick brows and my sideburns. I could not be more in love with my tanned skin after I spend hours at the beach or my weirdly shaped hips and skinny calves. I could not be more in love with my beauty but there isn’t a day where I don’t try to expand that love. If that sounds so wrong to some people then I’m not sorry though. Becoming an unbothered brown girl was the best thing that has happened within me in the past year.

love your darker skin. love your melanin. love your big noses. ladies, love your sideburns. love yourself in your purest form.

[malaysian-rants]

Men: Most of Them Don't Actually Like Women

What I’ve realised is that a lot of men don’t actually LIKE women. They enjoy the idea of us. They like the packaged polished versions of women.

It’s the same as when men think fat women are playin or cheating them if their selfies are beautiful. It comes from the idea that thin is beautiful and being big is not so they automatically assume beautiful face=thin woman. They see women as products and objects for consumption and when they don’t receive what they thought they would, they flip their shit lol. These men don’t actually LIKE our bodies. They like our “plastered, waxed, perfumed, painted version” but not us in our most natural form. If they did, maybe they wouldn’t be so grossed out if one of us walks out in a dress with unwaxed or unshaven legs. These men think women are there to cater to their needs and as soon as they realise a lot of us don’t need them to validate our beauty, they flip their shit again. It’s hilarious but it’s also terrifying. Terrifying because this need for a man’s approval is what some women, with their internalized misogyny, instill into their daughters who instill into their friends/nieces/children and the cycle continues.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to look nice for a man. That's cool, for you, that's your choice. But it shouldn't be something you force onto another person. (update: if you’re not a man like this, great. amazing. thanks for being a decent person. now, move on. correct other men from perpetuating misogyny. leave women to battle with their own internalized misogyny alone)

[malaysian-rants]

Short Memo on Abortions: Please Don’t Police My Vagina.

I think A LOT of people need to realise that pro-choice isn't 'pro-abortion'. 

Pro-Choice is saying "hey you are your own person and as a woman, you should have the right to choose what is best for you. I shouldn't dictate you.". Just because you may not get an abortion if you were having an unplanned pregnancy doesn't mean another woman has to do the same. It doesn't mean you are at liberty to try take away that right from her. You can be pro-choice and still not want to get an abortion if faced with the choice.

No uterus, no damn opinion. you irrelevant. you ain't that woman, so you will never be able to fully understand her situation.

Empathy and compassion goes a long way in being pro-choice.

Women don't choose the route of an abortion as an easy escape from unwanted pregnancies. Anti-choice individuals use this argument to shame people who have vaginas for having a lot of sex.

Being pro-choice is learning not to police a vagina. Learning not to police a woman’s sexuality and allowing her the reproductive rights she should have. It's not your place, not your vagina. It's about being unconditional with the reasons. It's not saying "you're only allowed an abortion if you're raped or it's medically needed or when it is harming the life of the mother" because where are you going to draw that line of what is potential danger to the mother and what isn't? 

Being anti-choice totally ignores the experiences of those in poverty and especially PoC experiences. If you really cared for the baby’s life, you’d understand that the mother that chooses the abortion doesn’t want her child to grow up in an impoverished home. 

Adoption? I’m sure the woman that chose to have an abortion didn’t want to add to the thousands of orphans in homes on a waiting list to be adopted.

If you want abortions to be banned, do you really care about a person’s life? because banning abortions also increases the chances of backyard/unsafe abortions from occuring which puts the lives of women at risk. Banning abortions will only increase maternal death. Try to understand where your ‘pro-life’ agenda stems from.

[malaysian-rants]

Slut-Shaming 101

What is a slut?

So let’s do a little internal assessment right now.

Have you ever seen a girl walk by who’s dressing suggestively and consciously or unconsciously go “omg what a slut, what the heck is she asking for”

Were you ever getting ready for a night out with your girlfriends and always ask them “guys do i look like a slut in this?” and always needing their assurance saying that you don’t. Why do we have the need to constantly disassociate ourselves with the term slut or whore.

So I asked some of you what is a slut to you and here’s a few snippets of what I got:

A woman who spends time with a lots of guys

A woman who flirts with guys

A woman who dresses provocatively and hence has no self-respect

A person who is able to talk about sex openly

A woman who has a very developed body immediately making certain people assume she is sexually advanced

A woman that has too much sex including (quality/variety of sex)

Hmmmmm y’all slut-shamers are petty as hell.

I don’t care what gender you are but Why why WHY would you slut-shame? Do you feel insecure or threatened by the freedom of sexuality or confidence that this women radiates? Do you feel threatened by them that they might steal your partner? Do you feel more superior when you call someone a ‘slut’ and spread false rumours about them?

get yourself together, my friend.

My favorite thing to see is when certain people equate women doing what they want to being a slut? Does it make you feel better about yourself? Really? Why do you shame other women when we live in a world that shames and oppresses a lot of women for embracing an inch of the liberation they deserve they deserve.

When someone or you decide to call someone a slut, just think about this for a second okay? What constitutes as too much sex anyway. it’s not your place to judge someone which I know a lot of you kepochi people are famous for. What does a slut mean to you anyway? What proof, beyond rumors do you have of this person’s sexual behaviour..? and why would you want to shame them for being comfortable in their bodies. unless it’s a term you use in a sex-positive way then I suggest you throw it out of your vocabulary and deprogram using the word slut or whore in a way that is derogatory. There is NOTHING wrong with someone exploring their own sexuality provided they are being safe and consensual. So why do you have to harass them for it? Also, would you call a guy a slut if he was doing the same things as what a woman was doing when you called her a slut? hmmm I dont think so. Yes I’ve heard of the term man-whore but really.. i’m a bit iffy on this term because personally, it doesn’t carry the same stigma as it does for women who are called sluts. (but let’s just not with this term. the hypermasculinity that society has ingrained so deeply into a lot of us causes men to be sometimes seen as prude or less macho is they don’t want to have sex, when really it’s perfectly okay! guys you shouldn’t feel insecure or ashamed about your sexuality, WE ALL SHOULDN’T TO BE HONEST)

Another thing, ladies when you call another woman a slut as a derogatory term then you inherently give men permission to call you a slut and treat you disrespectfully. And… it also makes you look misogynistic. ooh not a good thing. We’re in a world that women are told that their sex appeal is the most important quality they should possess and so please don’t put more coal into that fire and try to tear each other own to seem more superior than there because you are “cleaner” or “purer” which means that she is “tainted” or “dirty” which makes no sense to me because I see zero correlation between a woman’s sexual behavior and her respectability.

I totally understand that certain people may not be into casual sex or having multiple partners and practice waiting for the right person or abstinence due to personal or religious reasons and that’s okay! but should you be labelling someone negatively because they don’t do everything that is in line with your views? Your set of values isn’t something everyone needs to follow and shouldn’t be an excuse for you to be intolerant. If you’re going to degrade someone based on their sexual morals then I suggest checking your own moral compass before. Check it. Don’t be an asshole.

I know that a lot of people are starting to take the term slut/hoe and use it in a sex-positive way which is amazing but until you can understand that sex can be fun and healthy while being cautious and understanding the emotional aspects of it or that a person has full responsibility over their own body and you have no place in dictating their choices then don't use the word slut as an insult. Slut-shaming also fuels a society of victim-blaming but I’ll discuss that in another post.

So let’s all just strive to be more accepting and spread sex-positivity. This is a very complex conversation so one step at a time. (p.s. I had a few people telling me their definition of a slut was a woman who cheats on her partner and doesn’t know how to respect her significant other… and that’s not a slut. That kind of person is just a nasty cheater)

[malaysian-rants]

Because They Are Shaming Kepochis

 Nothing makes me feel more at home in Malaysia’s back-updated culture than when I’m at a wedding and an aunty reminds me “don’t have boyfriend now okay, too early” but then moves on to another girl who has just finished her degree and goes “eh when you getting married la! so long already, waiting for what? you’re not going to stay this pretty forever! and your oven isn’t going to stay warm forever”

*rolls eyes so far back into my body that I see my unfertilized eggs*

don’t you just LOVE when older relatives press you, especially as a women in this ever-changing world, to excel academically claiming that that is how you attain wealth/success but will water down my worth for a husband in two seconds depending on whether or not I won the ‘genetic lottery’ (not to mention the blatant colourism that always pops up) or my ability to bare children. Does it make me any less of a woman because maybe I don’t plan on having children and experiencing motherhood? Do I become less desirable to partners as I age? Does it make an infertile woman less worthy of love and respect from a partner? because that is what this perspective of perpetuating shame unconsciously instills in us.

Anyway.......

I was scrolling through my facebook timeline to find a long list of comments regarding this video of two Indian teenagers in secondary school and see phrases like this. (actual quotes)

“Bodoh perempuan ini, mencemear kan name kluarga dan bangsa,jee...”

“Nowadays all make love in school n lose virgin there.. superb.. nalo pogum.”

“Nowadays people never think before act..ddnt respect their own family n no morality..omg..age kolaru..padike anupuna...hmmm...nasama pochu...”

“can love but cnt public city like this... we are Indian’s.. Love is not problm... but publicity is over... N make shame to our indians.....”

“Don’t spoilt Indian community name. School is the place get education not for entertainment. Do something really make proud to parents. Embrassing at this age.”

Point taken, it’s a school and there are rules regarding PDA (public display of affection) but does this really show anything other than that these two individuals really like each other? For all we know they could be excelling academically or be amazing sportspersons but it doesn’t matter because they displayed affection and are tarnishing the name of us ‘Indians’ right? wrong. It’s 2015 and people have the audacity to dip their toes into someone else’s pond and either blame or pity the parents because you definitely can confirm that these parents are ashamed of their children. 

Is THIS issue really worth bringing up to the Ministry of Education to investigate? No, it is most definitely not. The people that are commenting that this is what our national education has come to..... how about you actually do a proper reading into the actual state of our national education curriculum and how it turns our students into word-vomit robots for exams or how the level of english being tested is preposterous or how the youth have no proper sex education and then maybe we can have a conversation about it.  

I absolutely despise this culture that strives to shame teenagers for having totally natural feelings. (note: I don’t believe in throwing your whole life away and falling tragically in love with someone so much so that you neglect your personal growth and fulfillment) but you know what I believe in? I believe that individuals at that age CAN have endearing relationships. Relationships that have strong foundation built on respect, trust and ever-growing love. I believe that you can still build a career, earns an honours degree while maintaining a healthy loving relationship. I believe that you can be independent while supporting. It may work for some and it may not for others. 

Some malaysians are amazing really. They have the need to constantly poke their heads into everyone’s personal business because they can be nosy assholes ready to judge a person at a blink care for the person’s future and well-being right? They think two people hugging and kissing each other on the cheek is definitely so ridiculously shameful because a person’s capability to feel attraction is such a sin in our culture isn’t it? They care about belittling two teenagers because they’re afraid that they might have sex but don’t bother to have conversations about how to practice safe consensual great sex or maintaining healthy nurturing relationships. I don’t know about you but I’m really tired of a culture that is so sex-negative that think as soon as two teenagers kiss on the cheek their going to spawn babies like rabbits. You think it’s okay to shame teenagers for experiencing attraction then you teach them to lie to you. When they lie to you, there is zero trust. When you punish a child for their honesty, they will resort to lying. You want teenagers to be mature and responsible for their actions but you reduce them to reckless children that have no control over their choices.

*sigh* here’s to a more progressive community.

[malaysian-rants]

How to be a Woman: According to Malaysian Media

I remember watching Ombak Rindu as a young teenager and thinking, “well that’s a little fishy, did she just get married to the man that violated her?”.... but I continued to tear-up anyway because the rest of my friends found the movie romantic and adorable which convinced me that it was totally normal. IT, however, IS NOT. Can you imagine a 14 year old being able to unconsciously normalize and validate rape because well... it’s okay in the end he said he loved you so that’s disgusting romantic. sigh, naive ignorant little lama.  

Stumbled upon this article by Alea Nasihin today and it is ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. So definitely read it. The media has so much power over how it can inherently influence as child’s perspective and this is how many parts of Malaysian media chooses to do it, by countlessly continuing to sexualize women, enforce gender roles and negate consent in so many contexts. 

A woman’s worth is watered down to “how well she can cook” because if she can’t then she’s not lovable or worth having as a life partner right? Rape is okay and is forgivable as long as you marry the man because marital rape does not exist right? It’s our fault, as women, for “luring” men by wearing clothes that fit well and “letting” them look at us with lusty eyes right? Because even though a woman made our country proud she deserved to be criticized for wearing the proper attire because it showcased what a female body looks like right? and God forbid we mention the word *whispers* vagina because the female anatomy and female sexuality is more of a sin to talk about than anything else right?

WRONG. Malaysian media, your misogynistic rape-culture promoting bullshit needs to stop.

[malaysian-rants]

Tackling the Conservative Nation

So I was scrolling through the news today and BAM, this article pops up.

hmmmm. It is frustrating to see these numbers increase and increase but yet still have higher powers enforce "do not have sex until marriage". That won't solve the problem and it never will. Boys and Girls need to be educated, awareness needs to be spread. Malaysia NEEDS sex education. It’s great that the ‘Generasiku Sayang’ programme is helping pregnant teenagers cope and keep them on track but that’s not enough. The root of the problem is our lack of sex education.

To say that we’ve had sex education incorporated into our education through the sciences is WRONG. Sex education is not just explaining to children what genitals encompass off and how we get pregnant then proceed to “scare” them off. You know what sex education will do though? Sex education will bring down unplanned pregnancy rates, sex education will lower abortion rates, sex education will LOWER THE AMOUNT OF BABY-DUMPING CASES because why? The youth will learn how to practice safe sex if they don’t choose abstinence.

What our supposed sex education covers?

- what a vagina and the female reproductive system is - what a penis and the male reproductive system is - how to use a condom (you’re lucky if you get this properly demonstrated to you i suppose) - how pregnancy happens

What our sex education should ALSO cover adding on to those above? - what to do after you have been raped - what rape is. - TYPES of rape that can occur - healthy vagina upkeep - understanding that people can be infertile - STD PREVENTION and the types of STDs and how they can be contracted - period maintenance - how to put on a tampon (pads are pretty straightforward) - how to practice safe sex - what abusive relationships are - what to do if you are the victim in an abusive relationship - birth control options - masturbation exists (dun dun dunnnn) - how abortion works + abortion options - the beautiful spectrum of sexuality - C O N S E N T C O N S E N T C O N S E N T

(so much more to add to this list, trust me)

Sex education should be a safe space for the youth, to understand their bodies and understand that the attraction that they feel is normal. To be able to ask questions but not feel like their educators are going to shut them down saying "you're too young to know this". because they are not. Children and Teenagers are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.