Silakbo

the other side of a cold brick wall

[mallow-burst]

Like ducks flying above, hunted by men with guns.

Life as a funny way of shooting us down, doesnt it?

Perhaps it is safer to swim in calm waters.

[mallow-burst]

I remember it like it was yesterday.

One morning

When the summer heat had drawn sweat down my side od my face after I run through the hallway to the auditorium for a joint class with the other block.

You handed me a hashbrown wrapped in wax paper with the iconic M, as you bit on one yourself.

A sweet gesture.

I reached out reluctantly and ask, is this a bribe?

In context we had fought the day before, it has slipped my mind what about but I remember how it felt. I remember being bothered by it the night before. Troubled by the turbulence in the undefined space between us that kept shrinking and expanding like paper bag placed over someone having a panic attack.

You then got mad and didn't speak to me for the rest of the day. It felt like a reverse Uno card was played on me. I have never met someone so genuine that I took an act of innocent kindness as one with dubious intent.

It was the opposite of what I expected of others.

You were just being nice and wanted me to be happy, even just a little bit.

I was humbled by this moment. Yet, looking back this, to me, was a special moment.

The beginning of realizing that you are different.

You have received so much love growing in a warm home but instead of being spoiled by it and seeking more. You open your heart and give it back to the world.

This struck me with fear. To find someone so special but also so fragile.

It made me question, should I pursue someone I don't deserve?

What is my worth? I had a hyper self inflated perspective of myself but you made me feel small, again, I was humbled.

To this day, I feel fortunate to have found someone who has seen the worst of me, brought out the best in me and has genuinely loved me just the same in the highest of highs, lowest of lows and everything in between.

[mallow-burst]

I am in a period of my life where I feel lost in spite of having direction. It is like walking down the street, knowing where to go but getting no where.

Perhaps it is a matter of patience. Maybe I am not patient enough to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. How can I appreciate the journey if I don't like to wait? How can I live in the present if I can't just stand still? How can I be here today when I am always looking ahead?

Maybe I can't. Maybe as I age and move further from college the more long term goals no longer mean in the next 4 years. Now they are like the next 15 years. Maybe it is a lack of control. How in college you could literally do better to ascertain your future but outside of school everything doesn't depend solely on your own efforts.

Thus far to be honest it feels like it depends more on luck than effort. How an unqualified newly licensed foreigner was given a shot. How we gave each other a chance the first time we decided to start a home. How you gave me a second chance when I burnt it all down.

You chose me when I couldn't even choose myself. How can you forgive yourself if you never had anything else to truly regret. Scrap that. Let me retract my projection. How can I?

How can I accept the unbelievable luck I've had to be truly loved and the undeniable truth that I have hurt you?

That time you moved across the country away from me it felt like you were unreachable, in a different life, in a different dimension or planet. I longed for you and I still do everyday.

How fortunate am I to have found true love that chooses me in spite of the destruction I've done?

How fortunate am I to love and be loved?

[mallow-burst]

Chillin with the kitty.

[mallow-burst]

I don't get it.

I cannot fathom the negative emotions that plague me from within.

Feelings that's what they are

Are they meant to be understood? Or just felt?

Do they have to have a cause? If they aren't rational then why would they?

It feels so out of character to feel this way.

Every tug and pull, push and thrust

A chaotic swirl of molten plastic

Frustration.

That's the word I am looking for.

[mallow-burst]

Tired. Its weird to feel tired after being unproductive all day.

It feels that my emotional satisfaction is tethered to a need to make something but then be dragged by the sadness of simply not having a plan to have adhered to.

My mind needs to chill a bit.

[mallow-burst]

Looks like its going to be a rough 30.

[mallow-burst]

Manipulation

Evil has a funny way of succeeding. How lies repeated again and again become a truth. How in specific circumstances, justice is denied again and again.

Life is unfair.

A saying so cliche but couldnt be any closer from the truth.

The world has always and will always have bad people on it but the contrary is also true. However, what do you do when evil has more power in it's clutches? Do you stand up and fight? Are angels meant to bare arms? How are untrained honest people to face the expert manipulation of lying evil?

It seems like a war that has set the victor before it has even begun. Knives against guns. Words against bombs. The truth against lies.

That's the thing about about a truth it only has so much power in its size with no capability of growth.

But lies, lies have the ability to grow, to layer, to repair itself. Patch itself up, piece by piece. Covering one whole after the other.

Yet beneath all these layers, is a frail foundation. Layed by master manipulation. Solidified by repeatition.

While the truth?

The truth remains there, buried under all the lies. Crushed by so much pressure it has crystalized into diamond.

For the truth, like a diamond, is rare. And the more lies re piled upon it, the more valuable it becomes.

Breathe.

What you have is has far more worth than what the broken system has clinged onto.

[mallow-burst]

Life is what we make it

Some born with wealth

Love, warmth, a home

Others born with despair

Tragedy, loneliness, misfortune

But life

Life is what we make it

Do not fold in the face of fear

Do not fray in worry

Do not take it for granted

Since life

Life is what we make it

Take whatever comes

Embrace it or let go

Just make it your own

Hence life

Life must be worth living.

[mallow-burst]

Say hello to chip. And I had to change since I was cooking.

[mallow-burst]

you water our love with hope, kindness, passion let it bloom let the flowers face the sun in the warmest of days grow in the harshest of rains persevere in the coldest winters our love will be the single flower in the snow

for our love knows no boundaries

[mallow-burst]

Sometimes I'm just a mess.

[mallow-burst]

Sometimes it just feels like I need to disappear

[mallow-burst]

I'm breaking

I don't know why.

It's this irrational feeling

Called anxiety

But i can't pin point what it is in worried about.

Maybe it's just uncertainty?

I don't know.

[mallow-burst]

I can feel my heart pounding

Depression anxiety, my sister called it

Labored breathing

The asphyxiation of the world crumbling in on me

You are everything I have ever hoped for

But I have gravely wronged you

There is no excuse, no buts and no twisted perspective

I have hurt you

And as much as I want to self destruct

To cease to exist

To be absent in the universe where you are not with me

I must stay

For I can not add my death to your list of traumas

I have already cause enough damage

You don't deserve to wander this earth with that burden.

If anything, I deserve to be in pain

To suffer

To wake up and reach out to the empty space next to me

Return to a home that you had once brought life into

And realize, everything here is you.

I can say I bought the house

But

Every color of the wall

Door knob, floor, sofa, bed, every fixture was your decision.

Every memory

Ordering the curtains online

Than returning them the next day, realizing this wasn't really what we were going for.

Going from one hardware to the other, collecting color palettes and samples

Just to get the perfect white for the house

The perfect shade of brown for a relaxing bedroom to sleep in.

You are the builder of this home.

You are the warmth that gave me comfort.

Through ups of getting a job, our firsts together, first out of state trip, first time at Wee Thai Food, first concert together, first meal you made for me, first piece of furniture, first investment.

Through the downs of our first fight together, first loss, first cold war, first cool down, first cry and many more.

Each time, I try to comfort you. Say it will be okay, I love you.

[mallow-burst]

You know, you work in mysterious ways big bro. Thank you for helping me.

[mallow-burst]

Let yourself be subject to your own scrutiny, life will not always flow toward the direction of your liking. But keeps on going. And every drop that pushes through is subject to your own outlook.

Be patient and trust the process.